Pregnant and might be from affair- could use support

[Louanne6307]

I just have to say...

 

Of course the child has the right to know who the dad is, everyone should know. The child's needs and welfare are by far the most important consideration in all of this.

 

But can we talk about the overall situation please? And OP, I am not trying to put you down but there are a bunch of things to consider in addition the child's interests.

 

1) I don't think that your husband is a saint. I think he is a weak beta boy and I don't understand how you can have any respect for this man. I don't understand how he can respect himself, if he does.

 

2) How is a long term affair in anyway equal to a ONS in any way. And you were using it to justify your affair, even though there is no justification for either.

 

If you had a ONS and used a condom (40 YO come on!!!) then so be it, your husband would just have to deal with the fact that it happened. But a long term affair with unprotected sex???? Were you on an anti-biotic or some other med that interfered with your BC pill? You are old enough to understand that stuff as well.

 

3) For me, the day you can clean about your affair and pregnancy is the day that the you would have left the house, or I would have.

 

4) You and everyone else are really overlooking what you have done because you are pregnant. Your husband, no matter how weak, will start to look at this as well. At some point he will be completely pissed off. And you are just in happy baby land.

 

5) You have no concept how many other women your OM has slept with no matter what he tells you.

 

Those are just a few of the things that it appears you are not really thinking about.

 

It would have been different if you just declared an open marriage or something so hubby could play as well.

 

But the way that you went about this is just insidious...

 

We actually did agree on an open marriage. We have since 2011. This is the first time I have acted on it and I don't believe my husband has or intends to. He's not weak at all. I love him and respect him deeply. He may become more angry in time. I really don't know. You, of course, don't know him. His best friend of 30 years is not at all surprised by his reaction. I don't expect people who don't know us to get it l, but this is not the worst thing we've been through.

 

I did not miss any pills. Did not take other meds. Just part of the 1% or whatever failure rate. I don't think MM is sleeping with anyone else but not really sure what that would affect at this point. I've been screened for everything and I'm clean. He told me that would be a total waste of time and money but it needed to be done.

[Louanne6307]

So the debate about honestly with the child confuses me. We will be honest with the child. I think I will let my husband decide the timing of the DNA paternity test. The legal advice he had gotten is to wait 4 years. That seems plenty of time since my other kids had no understanding of sperm and such until much older. If MM had any intent/interest in seeing the child, that is something I would consider as to timing. I don't think he does so I don't see the need to do this at this time against my husband's wishes.

 

I was conceived through a process that mixed my dad's sperm with another mans and I was told this when I was old enough to understand. I chose not to do a DNA test because I already know who my dad is. Some people feel that DNA is more important than others. Adoption is also common in my family. Maybe this affects my perception. There was never an intent to lie to child for his/her life just that timing would not be right this second.

 

Legalities have been addressed. Husband is legal dad and current law allows only him to challenge this. It can't be challenged once child is 4. Husband is an attorney and we both have our own. STD screening also done. I love my husband very much and we are very honest with each other. He hates it when I call this an affair because he says we both agreed to not promise monogomy.

 

I'm not really sure what else I'm missing. I don't think anyone who knows either of us or our children would doubt our intimacy or our friendship. I'm not really sure where people got that. I've 100% made mistakes but I'm focusing on all my kids right now and have limited time/energy to defend myself on the internet. I assume people who think I'm selfish or a bad mom/wife are going to think that no matter what I say here.

[somanymistakes]

A lot of posters have difficulty envisioning non-traditional relationships, so they try to fit them into the patterns they DO understand. Don't take it personally. When a response's understanding of your situation is clearly not fitting your actual situation, just set it aside. Appreciate that they are trying to help but are not actually helpful.

 

What is it that you are actually looking for?

 

If you're looking for people in complicated situations to commiserate with who will just nod and offer comfort WITHOUT a bunch of scolding, this is probably not the best place to find that.

 

Knowing the biological father can be helpful for medical reasons, but unless a crisis comes up, in many cases "I'm not sure" will do just fine. I mean, when doctors ask me about medical history on my father's side my answer is usually "I'm not sure" because I am not very close to my father.

[BaileyB]

So the debate about honestly with the child confuses me. We will be honest with the child. I think I will let my husband decide the timing of the DNA paternity test. The legal advice he had gotten is to wait 4 years. That seems plenty of time since my other kids had no understanding of sperm and such until much older. If MM had any intent/interest in seeing the child, that is something I would consider as to timing. I don't think he does so I don't see the need to do this at this time against my husband's wishes.

 

I was conceived through a process that mixed my dad's sperm with another mans and I was told this when I was old enough to understand. I chose not to do a DNA test because I already know who my dad is. Some people feel that DNA is more important than others. Adoption is also common in my family. Maybe this affects my perception. There was never an intent to lie to child for his/her life just that timing would not be right this second.

 

Legalities have been addressed. Husband is legal dad and current law allows only him to challenge this. It can't be challenged once child is 4. Husband is an attorney and we both have our own. STD screening also done. I love my husband very much and we are very honest with each other. He hates it when I call this an affair because he says we both agreed to not promise monogomy.

 

I'm not really sure what else I'm missing. I don't think anyone who knows either of us or our children would doubt our intimacy or our friendship. I'm not really sure where people got that. I've 100% made mistakes but I'm focusing on all my kids right now and have limited time/energy to defend myself on the internet. I assume people who think I'm selfish or a bad mom/wife are going to think that no matter what I say here.

 

It sounds like you've got it all sorted. All well and good.

[wmacbride]

A lot of posters have difficulty envisioning non-traditional relationships, so they try to fit them into the patterns they DO understand. Don't take it personally. When a response's understanding of your situation is clearly not fitting your actual situation, just set it aside. Appreciate that they are trying to help but are not actually helpful.

 

What is it that you are actually looking for?

 

If you're looking for people in complicated situations to commiserate with who will just nod and offer comfort WITHOUT a bunch of scolding, this is probably not the best place to find that.

 

Knowing the biological father can be helpful for medical reasons, but unless a crisis comes up, in many cases "I'm not sure" will do just fine. I mean, when doctors ask me about medical history on my father's side my answer is usually "I'm not sure" because I am not very close to my father.

 

 

Um. in most cases, no it's not "just fine".

 

As someone who doesn't know her genetic background and has had ten years of issues because of that, no, it's not okay to hide from child who their genetic father or mother may be.

 

There are many medical conditions, ranging from cancer to autism that are believed to have a genetic component. How is it going to feel for a child ( or an adult) to find out that way? Better to be honest right from he start.

 

Keep in mind that just because someone donated a bit of genetic material, that doesn't make them "dad". There are lots of men out there who are stepdads or full dad to kids who they know aren't "theirs", and they are doing a wonderful job.

[somanymistakes]

Sorry, I didn't mean for that sentence to cover the social aspect of it because I can't speak to that. I have my own personal opinions on whether and when a child should know, but I have no actual personal experience on the subject.

 

I meant that medically, most of the time, it isn't critical. Lots and lots of things have a genetic component but many people have no idea whether their parents have a gene for those diseases anyway. Knowing who your genetic parent is doesn't necessarily mean knowing that much about your genetic predispositions.

 

So from a pure medical perspective, not being sure whether the child is fathered by your husband or your lover is probably not going to be a disaster in their first four years of life. If something goes wrong, if you end up needing to look for tissue matches or the like, then suddenly it becomes a much bigger issue.

[BluesPower]

We actually did agree on an open marriage. We have since 2011. This is the first time I have acted on it and I don't believe my husband has or intends to.

 

You may have wanted to lead with this point... so are you saying that you were just exercising your open relationship?

 

And he does not want to act on it himself? Yeah, sorry hun, that is weak.

 

I am all good with being open, I have done that as well, just not in marriage.

 

So were you having an affair or not? I am guessing that if you did not tell him about your new relationship then it was an affair?

 

Otherwise it should be all good, and yes at a point he will get pissed off...

[It Is What It Is]

OP, your story now is not the same at all as what you said in your original post. Now you are saying you BOTH agreed to an open marriage in 2011? What you said in your original post is that he had and affair and that YOU made it clear to him that you would not promise him monogamy (that is not the same thing as an open marriage) and then you called your relationship an affair. It's not an affair if it truly is an open marriage.

[It Is What It Is]

So you are 40 years old (very reduced fertility at that age), AND he used a condom, AND you were on the pill, AND you did not miss a single pill or take any medications that would reduce the pill's effectiveness?

 

You are not in the 1 percent "failure rate". That 1 percent actually includes people who screw up either one or more of the above. If all you said is true, then your chances of getting pregnant with all of that were next to nil. WAY less than 1 percent. Astronomically low.

[Louanne6307]

We actually did agree on an open marriage. We have since 2011. This is the first time I have acted on it and I don't believe my husband has or intends to. He's not weak at all. I love him and respect him deeply. He may become more angry in time. I really don't know. You, of course, don't know him. His best friend of 30 years is not at all surprised by his reaction. I don't expect people who don't know us to get it l, but this is not the worst thing we've been through.

 

I did not miss any pills. Did not take other meds. Just part of the 1% or whatever failure rate. I don't think MM is sleeping with anyone else but not really sure what that would affect at this point. I've been screened for everything and I'm clean. He told me that would be a total waste of time and money but it needed to be done.

 

So you are 40 years old (very reduced fertility at that age), AND he used a condom, AND you were on the pill, AND you did not miss a single pill or take any medications that would reduce the pill's effectiveness?

 

You are not in the 1 percent "failure rate". That 1 percent actually includes people who screw up either one or more of the above. If all you said is true, then your chances of getting pregnant with all of that were next to nil. WAY less than 1 percent. Astronomically low.

 

I did not say we used condoms and we did not consistently. It is still astronomically unlikely that I got pregnant. Extremely low odds. Absolutely agree with that.

[Louanne6307]

OP, your story now is not the same at all as what you said in your original post. Now you are saying you BOTH agreed to an open marriage in 2011? What you said in your original post is that he had and affair and that YOU made it clear to him that you would not promise him monogamy (that is not the same thing as an open marriage) and then you called your relationship an affair. It's not an affair if it truly is an open marriage.

 

In counseling after his ONS, we talked about a lot of options and it is true I stated I would not offer him monogomy again. We then agreed on an open marriage. I still feel a lot of guilt and that we didn't establish clear rules or whatever. My husband hates when I call it affair. He doesn't see it that way. I think my guilt comes more from the emotional involvement. Could also be general depression but I also think there are a lot of things I could have handled better.

[road]

In counseling after his ONS, we talked about a lot of options and it is true I stated I would not offer him monogomy again. We then agreed on an open marriage. I still feel a lot of guilt and that we didn't establish clear rules or whatever. My husband hates when I call it affair. He doesn't see it that way. I think my guilt comes more from the emotional involvement. Could also be general depression but I also think there are a lot of things I could have handled better.

 

Not promising to offer monogamy is just another

way to say I am keeping my options open to have

a revenge affair.

 

Did you tell your BH that you were going to date

your OM?

 

Did you tell your BH that you and OM were going

go at it?

 

No you just did it behind BH's back. That is an affair.

Your BH, Mr Beta cannot stand/face to be cheated on that

he will not allow you to call what you did cheating.

[somanymistakes]

Not promising to offer monogamy is just another

way to say I am keeping my options open to have

a revenge affair.

 

Did you tell your BH that you were going to date

your OM?

 

Did you tell your BH that you and OM were going

go at it?

 

No you just did it behind BH's back. That is an affair.

Your BH, Mr Beta cannot stand/face to be cheated on that

he will not allow you to call what you did cheating.

 

You weren't there. Why are you trying to tell her what she did and didn't say?

[road]

You weren't there. Why are you trying to tell her what she did and didn't say?

 

I have seen too many affairs so I know that

they are not special or unique.

 

We know what she said from her posts.

You saying the OP is lying?

 

Based on what the OP said it's dollars to

doughnuts what I said about the BH's wife

is true.

 

She did not ask for a Hall Pass, she just

took it.

[sandylee1]

OP, your story now is not the same at all as what you said in your original post. Now you are saying you BOTH agreed to an open marriage in 2011? What you said in your original post is that he had and affair and that YOU made it clear to him that you would not promise him monogamy (that is not the same thing as an open marriage) and then you called your relationship an affair. It's not an affair if it truly is an open marriage.

 

I agree. Your story changing. If it's an open marriage you should have said so and just posted this under 'marriage and life partnerships'.

 

He's not your OM/AP if it's an open marriage .

 

ETA

 

Just saw your response, but by very nature of the secrecy...it's an affair.

Edited September 3, 2017 by sandylee1
ETA