Pregnant and might be from affair- could use support

[paradoxx]

I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I'm also 40, married with kids and involved with a MM. I also got pregnant (pretty sure it's not BH's) but I was not brave enough to come clean with the truth. I chose to terminate the pregnancy and deal with it myself and this decision (a week ago) has been difficult to deal with on my own. Whatever you choose to do, the fact that you have been honest about it with your husband is a step further than me. It seems difficult to get support here sometimes unless you are fully committed to leaving your AP. I am not here much because I'm still struggling to leave. I wish you well and hope things work out for the best.

 

paradoxx

[S2B]

You realize your MM is cheating and telling you his wife has had affairs? Did you ask her? This info could easily be untrue! MM lie all the time to have their OW believe what they want them to.

 

Don't believe a word he says unless it's verified by his wife.

 

It's also possible she's not an addict.

 

See the info above.

 

Stop believing him.

 

Decide what's best for you long term. For the baby long term.

 

If needed, sort it out with a professional.

[Louanne6307]

You realize your MM is cheating and telling you his wife has had affairs? Did you ask her? This info could easily be untrue! MM lie all the time to have their OW believe what they want them to.

 

Don't believe a word he says unless it's verified by his wife.

 

It's also possible she's not an addict.

 

See the info above.

 

Stop believing him.

 

Decide what's best for you long term. For the baby long term.

 

If needed, sort it out with a professional.

 

Her addiction issues were very easy to verify with a simple public records search due to legal problems. I have never spoken to her and don't plan to but I have been with him when she has called him. We were only friends at the time but the way she yells at him is not something I'd wish on anyone. She yelled cruel things comparing him to her lover. MM has many faults but I think I know who he is. I hope he finds a way out of his marriage for his sake but that has nothing to do with me.

 

I do need to decide what's best for me and don't have much time. Thank you.

[hestheone66]

I have nothing practical to suggest regarding the child.

 

However if MMs wife really is addict and cheat it is not safe to assume that you haven't also shared any STI that she may have.

 

Please you and hubby get tested and remember to ask separately for herpes screening..(where I live I never realized it wasn't part of standard screening and I had it ?)

[misspalmy]

best to get a dna test, your baby needs to know the turth

 

i just had a dna turn out to be ex mm

[It Is What It Is]

Does the OM know that he got you pregnant?

 

Did you have sex with others besides you OM

and your BH?

 

If the answer is no then you do not need the

OM to do a paternity test. The test when done

will just show that your BH is the father or he

is not the father.

 

Then by process of elimination you and your

BH will know that the OM is the father.

 

Well, duh.

 

Now onto telling the OM. When a WW and a BH

are trying to recover their marriage there must

be NC with the OM. So it is best to not even

let the OM know that you are pregnant.

 

Are you freaking KIDDING?

 

He is half of that child. Not even let him know she is pregnant?

 

Sorry that the marriage was affected, but at this point it's not just about saving it. SHE got pregnant (possibly) by another man. HE is (possibly) that child's father. And you are saying not to TELL him, just to save a marriage that has already been completely eviscerated?

 

Just freaking OMG.

[road]

best to get a dna test, your baby needs to know the turth

 

i just had a dna turn out to be ex mm

 

What have you done. told, with this information?

[road]

Well, duh.

 

 

 

Are you freaking KIDDING?

 

He is half of that child. Not even let him know she is pregnant?

 

Sorry that the marriage was affected, but at this point it's not just about saving it. SHE got pregnant (possibly) by another man. HE is (possibly) that child's father. And you are saying not to TELL him, just to save a marriage that has already been completely eviscerated?

 

Just freaking OMG.

 

If the WW's goal is to divorce or recover her

marriage that controls what needs to be done.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

People - children - have a right to know the truth of their life ... the most important truth being who their biological parents are. It's not about the Messed up adults who would lie and cheat to cover their own arse. It's just the right thing to do. It's not fair for your husband to pass if a baby that isn't his, the same way it wouldn't be right for you to try and make someone accountable for a child that isn't theirs...

 

With 3 apparent adults in this relationship, you think at least ONE of them would have the sense and decency to do the right thing by a child...

 

I won't hold my breath though

[wmacbride]

People - children - have a right to know the truth of their life ... the most important truth being who their biological parents are. It's not about the Messed up adults who would lie and cheat to cover their own arse. It's just the right thing to do. It's not fair for your husband to pass if a baby that isn't his, the same way it wouldn't be right for you to try and make someone accountable for a child that isn't theirs...

 

With 3 apparent adults in this relationship, you think at least ONE of them would have the sense and decency to do the right thing by a child...

 

I won't hold my breath though

 

The child has to come first. the adults can sort out their crap on their own.

[RecentChange]

If the WW's goal is to divorce or recover her

marriage that controls what needs to be done.

 

If this pregnancy is going to be carried to term, the goal needs to be whatever is in the BEST interest of the child.

 

That means knowing who it's father is, and engaging him.

 

Selfishness caused this mess, and isn't what is going to fix it.

[road]

A young child is not going to know about

paternity, DNA, affairs, infidelity, cheating,

bio dad VS mom's BH.

 

A child needs a stable home with TWO parents

to raise her.

 

As children age an learn about concepts facts

can be revealed. Such as child comes home

and tells about the kid she met that was adopted.

 

Yes child some kids can are not able to be raised

by a parent or both parents. Your dad my husband/BH

is raising you because your first dad could not raise

you.

 

Aren't you lucky to have BH be your dad. End of story.

 

Eventually after 2 years the child will ask why OM/bio dad

is not raising me. Well mom can't have two husbands.

Mom already had a husband and a family. Change subject

end of story.

 

Child is now 16, mom if you had a husband how is OM/bio dad

my father and or why is BH/dad not my "real" dad.

Well mom made a bad decision and dated the OM/bio dad

while still married to BH/dad. Change subject end of story.

 

OC is now 17 mom did you cheat on BH/dad. Yes that was the

big mistake that I made. Mom who is my bio dad. He is John

Doe. Mom I want to see my bio dad/OM. Well at this time

I do not know how to contact him. I will try to find out how.

Though it may take a year or more.

 

Shortly after their 18th birthday you give the OC the OM/bio dad's

info and let her do what she wants with the provision that

you must have NC with the OM and why there must be NC

for you and the OM.

 

There is no need for a 4 year old to know they are an OC.

Though by peeling away the layers of facts in a careful

manner the child will learn details as they are capable to

handle.

[misspalmy]

What have you done. told, with this information?

 

yip his wife knows, but she took him back so its not like i ruin anything,

 

just wanting on him to pay child surport now

[RecentChange]

When my husband was 13 - he discovered that "dad" was not his dad.

 

Apparently some dude from a party was.

 

They kept that from him for way too long. Discovering that everything you believed to be true about your family isn't.... Really caused a lot of lingering damage.

 

It's a sore spot for me. When people have children, they need to be sure they are putting that child's needs first. Part of that is to stop the freaking dishonestly.

[MidnightBlue1980]

A young child is not going to know about

paternity, DNA, affairs, infidelity, cheating,

bio dad VS mom's BH.

 

A child needs a stable home with TWO parents

to raise her.

 

As children age an learn about concepts facts

can be revealed. Such as child comes home

and tells about the kid she met that was adopted.

 

Yes child some kids can are not able to be raised

by a parent or both parents. Your dad my husband/BH

is raising you because your first dad could not raise

you.

 

Aren't you lucky to have BH be your dad. End of story.

 

Eventually after 2 years the child will ask why OM/bio dad

is not raising me. Well mom can't have two husbands.

Mom already had a husband and a family. Change subject

end of story.

 

Child is now 16, mom if you had a husband how is OM/bio dad

my father and or why is BH/dad not my "real" dad.

Well mom made a bad decision and dated the OM/bio dad

while still married to BH/dad. Change subject end of story.

 

OC is now 17 mom did you cheat on BH/dad. Yes that was the

big mistake that I made. Mom who is my bio dad. He is John

Doe. Mom I want to see my bio dad/OM. Well at this time

I do not know how to contact him. I will try to find out how.

Though it may take a year or more.

 

Shortly after their 18th birthday you give the OC the OM/bio dad's

info and let her do what she wants with the provision that

you must have NC with the OM and why there must be NC

for you and the OM.

 

There is no need for a 4 year old to know they are an OC.

Though by peeling away the layers of facts in a careful

manner the child will learn details as they are capable to

handle.

 

I have kids so I see what you are saying but I'm not sure that is in the best interest of the child, more the best interest of the adults. If a child is born into a world where they have a daddy married to mommy and a daddy who they visit, it's different but they will be used to it and be able to know their real father.

 

I think it would be bad to find out at 18 that my father was not my father and I'd hate my parents for the deception. And before you say I'm wrong, I found about after my father's death that while he was my father that there were some really big lies in my past kept secret for 25 years, not for my benefit but the adults. I would rather have known the truth but the choice was taken from me.

 

Not to mention that everyone is forgetting that this mm has a wife. I'd want to know if my husband had a baby out there. And the NC stuff, that is out the window with a baby. You lost the privilege to isolate yourself to get over the affair, etc. with a baby from another man. It's just not about you anymore.

[road]

I have kids so I see what you are saying but I'm not sure that is in the best interest of the child, more the best interest of the adults. If a child is born into a world where they have a daddy married to mommy and a daddy who they visit, it's different but they will be used to it and be able to know their real father.

 

I think it would be bad to find out at 18 that my father was not my father and I'd hate my parents for the deception. And before you say I'm wrong, I found about after my father's death that while he was my father that there were some really big lies in my past kept secret for 25 years, not for my benefit but the adults. I would rather have known the truth but the choice was taken from me.

 

Not to mention that everyone is forgetting that this mm has a wife. I'd want to know if my husband had a baby out there. And the NC stuff, that is out the window with a baby. You lost the privilege to isolate yourself to get over the affair, etc. with a baby from another man. It's just not about you anymore.

 

The OMW deserves to know about an OC.

 

I did not say wait till eighteen. I laid out an example

of when an opportunity arises the parents reveal

a new layer of truth so the child only has to deal only

with what they can understand.

 

I did not lay out a procedure that is not to be changed.

 

Children as young a four will understand the concept

of marriage and dating.

 

That moms and dads do not have boyfriends/girlfriends

and go out on dates with them.

 

They do not know about sex and babies. Though do

know that mom/dad should of not been kissing and

hugging a BF/GF.

 

So as opportunity arise you tell them. And when the

kids put two and two together and have more

questions you answer them with the level of truth

they can handle.

 

Another example, Johnny, 4 years says his friend has two dads.

Mom how's that?

Many people can have two dads. John you have two dads.

 

Mom two dads?

Yes your dad(BH) and a bio dad.

Ok mom.

 

John is 6 years and asks mom where do babies

come from.

John people are mammals and they mate the way

other mammals do. The female mates with a male

and she becomes pregnant. This why you have two

dads. Dad(BH) and bio dad(OM). Mom mated with

bio dad.

 

This may settle John's curiosity for now and he may

ask who is, where is, can I see bio dad(OM).

 

John OM is _____, lives______, your dad and I

are not friends with the OM any more so we can not

see him.

 

Why are you and dad(BH) not friends with the bio dad(OM)

any more? OM hurt BH's feelings.

 

As the child gets older and hits 8 he is in a position

to understand that mom had an affair, what an affair is,

what sex is, how OM knocked up mom/WW. How

marriages can recover from an affair and why their

must be NC between all three adults. That it is natural

for all kids to want to see their bio parents whether

they are adopted or OC.

 

However because of NC John you will have to wait till

you are old enough to go visit bio dad(OM) on your

own because the need for NC prevents WW, BH, and

the OM from ever seeing each other ever again.

 

So depending on how curious an OC is and how things

unfold there is no set rule on what age they will

learn the truth.

 

As the OC was capable he learned the full truth by

peeling away the layers. At 4 years he was told he

had two dads. So when he learned what a bio dad

at 5 it was no big deal. Then a 6 when he learned

about mating there were no surprises just that mom

was pregnant from the bio dad. At 7 it dawns on John

that how could mom mate with OM when she was

married to BH. So John learned that mom had an

affair. Essentially John learned what mom did with

the OM has a name, cheating.

 

So as the years pass the story is just continued

for John until he knows all he needs to know.

[road]

When my husband was 13 - he discovered that "dad" was not his dad.

 

Apparently some dude from a party was.

 

They kept that from him for way too long. Discovering that everything you believed to be true about your family isn't.... Really caused a lot of lingering damage.

 

It's a sore spot for me. When people have children, they need to be sure they are putting that child's needs first. Part of that is to stop the freaking dishonestly.

 

When your husband was told is just a small part.

What, when, where, who, why, and how he was told

also could of made learning the truth easier or

harder.

 

As a kid to find out at a party that your dad was not your

dad is about the worst way to learn things.

 

So can you share with us how your husband had

his D day when he was 13?

[wmacbride]

If this pregnancy is going to be carried to term, the goal needs to be whatever is in the BEST interest of the child.

 

That means knowing who it's father is, and engaging him.

 

Selfishness caused this mess, and isn't what is going to fix it.

 

We have had to get a bunch of genetic testing done for our children because I don;t know my genetic background, and in their case, it could be vital.

 

When I was singing the consent forms for the testing, the nurse took me aside and explained the drawbacks to the testing, including finding out child's father is not who they thought it was.

 

That's a crappy way to find out about infidelity...not that there is ever a good way.

[RecentChange]

When your husband was told is just a small part.

What, when, where, who, why, and how he was told

also could of made learning the truth easier or

harder.

 

As a kid to find out at a party that your dad was not your

dad is about the worst way to learn things.

 

So can you share with us how your husband had

his D day when he was 13?

 

He didn't find out at a party - years later it was disclosed dear ol' mom got knocked up at a party.

 

He wasn’t told that on D Day.

 

When he was 13 he was told that there was someone that wanted to meet him. And that, that someone was his father. That despite knowing his mom’s husband as “dad” all of these years, it was actually someone else.

 

All the times he was told how he looked like his dad was a lie.

All the times he visited family and people talked about him having traits like the rest of the clan wasn’t based in facts.

 

It messed him up in odd ways. The fact that the man he looked up to, and tried SO HARD to make proud - wasn't actually his father. That his father was some guy who never bothered to know him. That his dad was some stranger that everyone else thought it was better to protect their own interests, than to face the hard truth and let him know who he is.

 

Now he had this other assh*le sniffing around, who introduced himself as “dad”.

 

It enraged him. The deception. This other guy who now suddenly wanted to be a part of his life. His brother and sister where actually half siblings, the lies about his heritage, who he was etc. They even lied about his legal name – he hadn’t been given step dads name legally, but they used it any way. When he as 18 he was forced to start using his “real name” – to this day it causes confusion among old friends etc.

 

And when his STEP dad, who he had always considered dad…. Died. It was a real mess.

 

*IF* parties that be decided to LIE to this child, who will someday be an adult, please be sure to see an attorney and make sure that “fake dad” is legally going to be real dad.

[QuietDan]

So what sort of marriage do you have with your marraige? How is your husband coping with your affair? It sounds like the relationship between you and your husband is still really damaged and broken. Don't get much sense that you have regained any emotional intimacy reestablish for your husband. Was his ONS really a deal breaker for you? Do you want to stay married to your husband? Do you intend to have more affairs in the future? Where is your marraige heading? It doesn't sound like you really care about your husband all that much....

I think I found the word I am looking for...

Indifference....

To me, at best, you sound ambivalent towards your husband.

[It Is What It Is]

If the WW's goal is to divorce or recover her

marriage that controls what needs to be done.

 

No. Her child now controls what needs to be done.

[It Is What It Is]

A child needs a stable home with TWO parents

to raise her.

 

That's the ideal, but you are wrong. My kids are more successful than almost anyone, and I raised them myself. All four of them.

 

OC is now 17 mom did you cheat on BH/dad. Yes that was the

big mistake that I made. Mom who is my bio dad. He is John

Doe. Mom I want to see my bio dad/OM. Well at this time

I do not know how to contact him. I will try to find out how.

Though it may take a year or more.

 

And how in the HELL is that even remotely acceptable? How would a child react to the knowledge that his/her dad disappeared out of their life? Didn't care enough to even get to know them? All because of some "disagreement" between the various parents?

 

Kids aren't stupid. Right there, that is proof that the parents are putting Saving Their Butts ahead of this child.

 

And the selfish coward parents want to just run into their corners and fake it and lie? And you CONDONE it, all based on saving a MARRIAGE that already was violated?

 

Once there is a child involved, your "no contact" goes to hell. Doesn't happen. Shouldn't happen. NOW there is a child, and that's the damn well FIRST priority. NOT saving a marriage. The adults in this situation need to suck it up and do the right thing. And all you are doing is to propose ways that they can continue to lie to the child that resulted. On and on, over all the years that she/he asks. A totally innocent child.

 

Disgusted.

[freengreen]

Well, you and your husband seem to know what you want and accordingly acting in this situation. The MM also seem to fit seamlessly ( his wife is the most unfit here)

 

Get the tests done and KNOW who exactly the father is.... it might be a ' consequence of the situation' for you but for the kid, it is going to be HIS / HER REALITY. You need to be fair towards the kid and let know of these big things which directly relate to their life.

 

Goodluck.

Edited September 1, 2017 by freengreen

[road]

That's the ideal, but you are wrong. My kids are more successful than almost anyone, and I raised them myself. All four of them.

 

 

 

 

Statistics.

 

Lairs use numbers to lie specially when they say

numbers do not lie.

 

Though too many numbers have been compiled to

show that odds are against single parent families

to ignore or refute them.

 

Odds being against does not mean that there will

never be success with single parent families.

 

Because your kids turned out good does not mean

that all or almost all do.

 

The level of self delusion I see never surprises me.

[BluesPower]

I just have to say...

 

Of course the child has the right to know who the dad is, everyone should know. The child's needs and welfare are by far the most important consideration in all of this.

 

But can we talk about the overall situation please? And OP, I am not trying to put you down but there are a bunch of things to consider in addition the child's interests.

 

1) I don't think that your husband is a saint. I think he is a weak beta boy and I don't understand how you can have any respect for this man. I don't understand how he can respect himself, if he does.

 

2) How is a long term affair in anyway equal to a ONS in any way. And you were using it to justify your affair, even though there is no justification for either.

 

If you had a ONS and used a condom (40 YO come on!!!) then so be it, your husband would just have to deal with the fact that it happened. But a long term affair with unprotected sex???? Were you on an anti-biotic or some other med that interfered with your BC pill? You are old enough to understand that stuff as well.

 

3) For me, the day you can clean about your affair and pregnancy is the day that the you would have left the house, or I would have.

 

4) You and everyone else are really overlooking what you have done because you are pregnant. Your husband, no matter how weak, will start to look at this as well. At some point he will be completely pissed off. And you are just in happy baby land.

 

5) You have no concept how many other women your OM has slept with no matter what he tells you.

 

Those are just a few of the things that it appears you are not really thinking about.

 

It would have been different if you just declared an open marriage or something so hubby could play as well.

 

But the way that you went about this is just insidious...