New here and devastated...

[William]

Having just finished the second clean up since the OP's last post we will close this one up.

 

Mincrafter, if you wish to update please use the ALERT US function on this post to make a request to moderation ~T

Edited January 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Robert]

thread re-opened as the thread starter requested

Edited January 15, 2019 by Robert

[GorillaTheater]

Just read through your thread, Mincrafter. Please let us know how things are going when you have the chance. I hope that whatever has happened, that you're in a better place than you were back in 2017.

[The Dude Abides]

Hello Mincrafter

 

I hope you’re still out there and reading this thread. I just went through it and there have been a lot of good comments and much support and understanding for you and your situation. I hope you have been taking care of yourself and your kids.

 

THe biggest disagreement I have is with one comment that suggested you sihould fight for your marriage and not let the other man win. I would agree , maybe, if there was something left to fight for or if the woman you had married was still the same woman you had married. From what I have read from your story, I don’t think you still have the same person you married. She destroyed what you once had and there is absolutely nothing to salvage.

 

I could follow along with everyone else here and comment on various things you have written, but essentially I would be saying the same things you have already heard.

 

My suggestion is that you proceed to therapy immediately (if you haven’t already done so - and I hope you have). Keep trying therapists until you find a good one. My advice is to tell the therapist all of the things that you have written here and let him/her guide you through the process of debunking those self-destructive statements that you are making (example: you wondered if your “wrong words” drove her away). A good therapist will help you to realize that even if had been saying things that were off-putting to your wife, her responsibility would have been to address that with you and it would NEVER be an acceptable remedy or reaction to carry on with another man for 4+ years . There is NFW that your wife can justify anything that she had been doing.

 

From my own experience, I implore you to get professional help if you haven’t already started. You need it and your kids need you to be there for them.

 

I hope you are doing better now that some time has passed.

[mincrafter]

Hi everyone,

 

I never replied to this thread although I asked it to be re-opened. The first time I posted here, I was put off in further posting by one specific comment - comment#63 by AHurtgurl. I won't quote it here but her assertion was clear in that I had neglected my wife by not giving her love, attention and care and was financially irresponsible. Her point was that it was me that needed to work on winning my wife back and not the other way round so that my wife can deem me worthy of loyalty.

 

That post was so disgusting to me that my only response was to hurl abuse at that poster. I mean how dare she? What does she know about me that she can pass such blind judgements? I loved and completely trusted my wife, I am devoted husband and an adoring father to my children. My every thought and actions revolved around care and protection of my family. I am hardworking man and after work, my family was my only priority. I shared equally in the household tasks and was always there when my wife needed me. Again how dare she?

 

I am glad I didn't last out at that time because that would have only gotten me banned for a person who is most probably an internet troll and doesn't know that actual pain of being betrayed. So I stopped reading here completely so as not to feed myself the negativity on top of all the negativity I was feeling. I am glad I controlled myself

[mincrafter]

So coming to now, I posted back in January about my current situation in another thread. The replies there were hard to read and very eye opening. Yet something clicked. If I wasn't ready to read the tough comments, then something needed to changed. Although if you read the update on my other thread, you might say nothing has changed.

 

Coming to my marriage, I feel like my wife has really turned a corner in the last 4 or 5 months. There was a lot of trickle truthing in the beginning - the details were awful. Yet with each details when I was seething with anger and pain and talking and thinking of visiting a lawyer's office, something made me stay - my kids. She had no empathy at the time and held on to the view that the affair was a symptom of our broken marriage, I had taken her for granted for so long, I didn't communicate, she didn't feel I loved her anymore, etc etc. You all know how they blame the BS for their own screw-ups. And for a time I believed it. I think that 1 or 2 months of me trying to do everything for my wife was my period of pick me dancing. It was at the end of this period that my OW reached out to me and most crazily I didn't give a f*** anymore about pleasing my wife. And she noticed. The first 3 or 4 months of my own A was me withdrawing more and more and putting my focus and attention to where I was wanted and woo'ed - the other woman. So while my A started within a month I asked for a divorce because I felt like nothing I did was good enough for her so whats stopping her on cheating on me again? I met a lawyer and she came to know about this (I should have gone ahead and really ended it there otherwise I wouldn't be in the current mess - read my other thread). You should know that till then I haven't had any sex with my wife since the discovery of her A. She didn't initiate it and damn me if I was going to. But after hearing about the lawyer, my wife begged to do a reset on the marriage. I laid my conditions down - full truth, cut off anyone who knew about their A, IC for her, MC for us, full transparency and taking full responsibility of the A

 

And my wife has came through on this points - she has been a model wayward. Although I still don't think she has given me the full truth of the horrible things she has done but its the full truth of the acceptable version that I believe (and now I don't care for the full truth - remember I am in an affair too?), she has continued her IC, hasn't once blamed me in MC, fully transparent with her devices and locations, texts me all day when we both are at work and apologizes to me constantly. She knows my trigger points and is very mindful about them and how to assure me of her committment to out marriage. Our sex life has improved dramatically. She is open to discussing about the affair anytime I want and recently has started initiating A talks. She has read numerous books on A.

 

The marriage that is happening right now is any BH's best scenario in mind. Yet I can't seem to let go of the resentment and anger (and I have lashed out at her mercilessly) that I have for the 4.5 years of deceit and betrayal. I take her sex but can't offer her emotional support anymore. I have a don't care attitude. My primary focus is not her anymore - its the OW. I am fully blame on her mode although my current anger and disgust for her is reflected anger from my own A. Yet I feel that there is no way in hell I am ever gonna come clean to her.

 

I know I have to end this some way or the other - end the A and focus on the marriage or divorce. Yet I am not yet ready for either.

[pepperbird]

You don't think a man can manipulate a woman? You obviously don't have a degree in psychology. You also have no experience with victims of sexual assualt. Did you know that there are many cases where the victim falls in love with the perpetrator? .

 

 

At some point, people have to stop using their past as an excuse for hurting others. If his (hopefully now ex wife) has an issue like this, she can take steps to work on herself.

 

 

 

Everything isn't always someone elses fault

[Clay]

I hope you divorced her. I just don't understand how people can treat people like this and get away with it. I really don't see how this is not right next to domestic violence and not treated as criminal behavior. I am sorry you really didn't find the support you needed on this site. There are other sites. Survivinginfedity.com is a good site. They really clamp down on post where people are not supportive.

 

Keep one thing in mind. What your wife did to you is not a reflection on you at all. Its her horrible way of dealing with her own problems. She could have simply left if she wasn't happy.

 

Please update us to your status.

 

C

[pepperbird]

op,

given what you say, I would gently suggest to you that you divorce. Sometimes, too much damage is done,and not only that, you've now pulled another person into your situation, which is so unfair to her.

 

 

I know there is often an incredibly strong pull to stay if there's kids, but it really doesn't sound like you and your wife are modeling a happy relationship. In fact, it almost sounds as if you are staying because it's what you think you "should" do, not because it's what you think is right.

 

 

I know it's incredibly unfair, but in reconciliation, the BS often ends up having to do some really heavy lifting, forgive the affair and find some way of moving forward that doesn't cause further damage. Looking at your situation, can you say you've done that?

[S2B]

Divorce her.

 

There needs to be consequences for her bad behavior... and yours.

 

Sometimes too much history makes trust impossible.

 

And your actions confirm there isn’t good reason to stay with her.

 

Make it an amicable divorce and be done with the toxic marriage.

 

Try to be a better person moving forward.

[mincrafter]

Pepperbird,

 

No I haven't. I am not sure I can ever forgive her for the long betrayal and horrible actions. I had given everything for this family. I did not deserve the things she has done to me.

 

Yet I am not ready to leave my marriage and you just can't dictate me to do that.

 

SSB...who is a better man? I can't see what I did wrong to deserve such betrayal.

[Clay]

This is exactly why at the very least you should divorce her. You can stay with her and tell her this is part of her having to earn her right to be your wife again. This way if she pulls something again then she is not entitled to anything. I am a firm believer in consequences. See right now just the threat of divorce is what you say woke her up but truthfully in time that wont be enough. You need to let her know she has to really earn that spot back. If you don't set firm consequences it will happen again. The only difference from this is you will be taken to the cleaners in the process and she will run of with her new man leaving you broke and devastated again.

[pepperbird]

op,

no one is trying to "dictate" anything to you. You posted on a public, online forum, and people answer. No one is trying to force you to do anything you don't want to do.

 

As it stands right now, if you stay, you are looking at the rest of your life. Your first post was over a a year ago. You're now having an affair, you and your wife are still at the "on eggshells" phase and really, you are not much further ahead than where you were when you first posted.

 

 

In my honest opinion, it almost sounds to me as if you are staying for spite or because it's what you think you "should" do... but think on this. Kids don't usually care if mom or dad are "happy", but they do re if the tension in the house is so thick you can cut it with a knife.

[elaine567]

I know you are angry and disgusted but this is no way for either of you to live.

Not to mention your poor OW, who no doubt is also in hell, as you are still at home.

I guess your kids will have sussed out the terrible atmosphere too, as such strong emotions are difficult to hide.

 

For God's sake get a divorce and put all out of their misery.

[preraph]

It can never go back to the way it was.

[Wallysbears]

So are you two just going to take turns cheating on and hurting one another for the duration of your marriage?

[S2B]

Why did you ask for advice if you are gonna get angry that people suggest divorcing her?

 

You deserve better - a woman that honors her vows. Your wife isn’t that gal.

 

She cheats and lies to you. You have no marriage because there is no trust or respect.

 

Just divorce her - you’ll be better off in the long run.

[Turning point]

I kinda feel like you do now about shrugging my shoulders, but not so sure that's necessarily a good thing. I mean, I have come to a place where "trust" to me means trusting myself that I can get through anything, so I do know I'd be fine, but I also wonder if it keeps me from true intimacy.

 

I've wondered that, about true intimacy going forward. I think knowing I can can get through anything also means I'm more aware of the separateness of two people, even in a relationship.

 

Rather than being "shattered" by other people's bad behavior I can keep the responsibility where it belongs - on them. It's not a problem I have to solve. Like bad produce in the market, I'm not responsible for the rotten tomatoes and I can leave them be.

 

OP, first and foremost look at this for what it is - a choice that she made. It's painful yes, but not because you are broken. What hurts is knowing that what we believed has been proven false. Your wife is not the caliber of person you thought she was. It's shocking because you have to rethink everything you previously imagined about her personality.

 

In addition, you have to rethink much of what you believed about yourself and your ability to judge people and your own reality. When a magician fools us we are entertained, when our spouse leads a double life we lose our self confidence and our very courage itself is tested.

 

You are still the same man albeit with a whole new set of choices that you are going to have to make.

Edited March 4, 2019 by Turning point

[Turning point]

I am not sure I can ever forgive her for the long betrayal and horrible actions.

 

Yet I am not ready to leave my marriage. ...who is a better man? I can't see what I did wrong to deserve such betrayal.

 

Well, to be honest - you've moved past your wife's betrayal and you are now betraying yourself, and your children.

 

My friend had a quip he would add to the end of my long diatribes about my own marital disaster. He would say: "It could be worse. She could be pregnant."

 

He was referring to another acquaintance of his who had done exactly what you are doing now - only his OW got pregnant.

 

Who are you going to blame when your OW gets pregnant? How will you leave your wife if she gets pregnant? What will your kids think about you in either case? What kind of OW would want to be a part of this mess? You can't blame your wife for what happens next - this will be on you.

 

Warning! This is harsh - but, you've gone from being broken to being stupid and it's not gonna work out well for you if you don't man up and decide just what kind of father you want to be for those children.

 

Divorce or don't divorce - but do decide, and stop playing games of tit-for-tat. Right now, your kids deserve better than either of you.

Edited March 4, 2019 by Turning point

[oldtruck]

There is no justification to have an affair.

There is no justification to lie to your wife.

 

Time to have a real talk with your wife, the full truth and then

decide what the both of you want to do together.

[BaileyB]

There is nothing to respect about either one of your behaviour.

 

The real losers in this situation are your children. They deserve better than two parents who are hellbent on cheating and hurting each other - yet staying together “for the sake of the children.” This is sad.

[mark clemson]

Mincrafter, being angry makes perfect sense, but do you really want anger to rule you? Do you really want to be the same cake-eater that you hate so much in your wife?

 

Think about two reasonably likely futures:

 

 

In future one, your wife is doing everything she can to keep you. You let her and keep your family together by giving up the OW. The resentment towards your WW very slowly but surely fades to a reasonable level (never completely gone, but quite livable). Your life is rebuilt, hopefully on a firmer foundation.

 

In future two you keep playing this vindictive game with WW and OW until the basically inevitable D-day 2 happens. When the **** hits the fan, you almost certainly lose both wife and OW, and WW now feels perfectly justified in screwing you over to the very best of her ability in divorce court. Your children eventually realize from overhearing the shouting behind closed doors that neither of their parents was capable of self-control, love, or ethical behavior. When it's over you come to your senses, look around at the wreckage, and wonder what the F you were thinking.

 

Which future looks better to you?

[whichwayisup]

There is no marriage to save. You've lost the full trust and love you once had for her.

 

laid my conditions down - full truth, cut off anyone who knew about their A, IC for her, MC for us, full transparency and taking full responsibility of the A

 

The only way your marriage even has a chance, you need to end YOUR affair and come clean and live up to guidelines and rules you set out for her and apply them to you as well. But I see no real point of trying to fix your marriage, to reconnect with your wife because you're not putting in the effort. Deep down it seems you really don't want to...And that's OK. The damage has been done and the hurt is so deep, most wouldn't get over it and give a second or third chance.

 

Hopefully sooner rather than later you will divorce and that way you can heal and move on with your life. What's the point of staying? Your kids will adjust to the changes with the help of love from you (and her) and family counseling. They know something ain't right at home, kids aren't stupid, they pick up on energy and vibes.

[whichwayisup]

Pepperbird,

 

No I haven't. I am not sure I can ever forgive her for the long betrayal and horrible actions. I had given everything for this family. I did not deserve the things she has done to me.

 

Yet I am not ready to leave my marriage and you just can't dictate me to do that.

 

SSB...who is a better man? I can't see what I did wrong to deserve such betrayal.

 

All advice is coming from a good place. Keep that in mind. No one here is dictating what you should do, we are giving our 2 cents since you posted.

[oldtruck]

All advice is coming from a good place. Keep that in mind. No one here is dictating what you should do, we are giving our 2 cents since you posted.

 

So it is ok for OP to being cheating on his wife?

 

Is this what he wants to teach his children how to healthy response

to being a BS?

 

Two wrongs never make a right. Though two lefts turns will change

your direction from east to west. The OP's life is not headed in the

correct direction.