sandylee1 Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I would destroy the wedding albums along with throwing the bed out. The bed has gone. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 Goodness me? STD? I didn't think about that. It was completely out of my mind. ....... I can't even inform there without humiliating myself. I would be viewed as the cuckold and ridiculed. ..... Can you guys understand how helpless and weak this makes me feel? My wife is doing "charity" on me by suggesting that she will never again be in the presence of the group when he is there. And if necessary she will inform her close friends for she can't be in his presence. I was nearly about to hit her for this. How dare she? She makes a mockery of me for 4 years with another man and now she wants to humiliate in public? EXACTLY! And, omg, m.c., you're far from helpless and weak. If anything, it's the other way around. The violence and outrage you feel (and very sanely express) are very healthy, important responses that will get you your dignity back. Well, maybe not the violence. I don't think you'd be ridiculed but I do understand that shame all too well. It's a humiliation you'd rather avoid than anything in the world. You have every right to resent them wholly and individually because someone for sure knew and left you to find out for yourself. But about the stds - oh yeah, don't discount it. When I looked back and remembered that I actually chewed out a nurse and a doctor, who told me that the organism they'd identified was sexually transmitted. It's the pithiest of bottoms. Oh, and there was someone on here who burned his bed in the backyard after his WS rendered it untouchable. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 Thank you so much. I so much want it to be better. This pain is unbearable. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I almost feel a pain in my chest. I am having a lump in my throat all the time. I am in no position to make any decision right now. Its too much. All of this. But even in all of this the best thing I have done is not sleep on that bed anymore. And after getting the advise to throw it out, I just did it and came to inform about it here. Many a BH has had a barn fire in their backyard to burn the mattress. Some burn every furniture the OM touched, clothes the WW wore with the OM, WW gifts from the OM. Burn baby burn. Though after all that burning you will find that the house will never feel clean. So time to sell the house now and move far away from there and start over. You will not be able to recover there. Too many triggers, too many opportunities for WW to break NC and you to run into the OM. Not to mention that your social circle just has been eliminated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I was a WW in my first marriage. I met OMs through gatherings here and there. People knew and people talk. You said you fear public exposure of the affair because you'd feel humiliated if others knew. She's had a four year affair with the friend of her friends husband. I can damn near guarantee the friend, her husband, and some of that social group already know either because they were told, have seen inappropriate behavior, or just picked up on it. If you want my advice, tell your wife the friend AND that whole group have to go. Trust me, they knew and aren't friends of yours or your marriage. NC with the whole lot if you want to reconcile. So true. Also exposure is a consequence of having an affair. Having a WW avoid her consequences only makes it more likely that she cheat again. The affair was not about you. Exposing is making the affair about her faults. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 Oh, and there was someone on here who burned his bed in the backyard after his WS rendered it untouchable. That was SmokeRat......haven't seen him on here in along time. Thankfully, I did not have that to deal with. But I did throw out some clothing, underwear, etc. I knew what she wore to meet up with him....and I just could not stand to even see the stuff in closet or drawers. Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 And, maybe I missed it, but do you know the guy, did you know him before? Do you have a way to verify No Contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 mincrafter, You will find your way. It is so very hard. Some suggestions to get you through the next months are these: 1. Try to get some sleep with OTC sleep aids. I used them for a while and eventually, I was able to sleep without them. I could not function or think well on 2 hours of sleep. Not everyone will agree with me on this, but it is just a suggestion. I never felt I would be addicted to them and I wasn't. 2. Exercise a lot. I walked and walked. My dogs loved it. 3. Talk to someone - family or friend - who will be supportive to you and let you talk. Dichotomy talked to his dad. My nephew also talked to his dad (my brother) daily and it was an immense help. I talked to my sister-in-law (my brother's wife and best friend) and the same brother from above. It is important to be able to express your pain. 4. Do not sleep in the same bed as her. Very bad idea. 5. Do give yourself time before you make any decision. It is life altering. 6. Find a support group. This really helped me and it was in a couple of ways. I needed the support and I discovered there were people whose stories made me grateful for the things I did have - a great son, enough money to support myself, great friends, great family - despite all that I lost (and it was a lot). 7. Affirm the good things about you, even if it just to yourself. You were a faithful and trusting husband, not perfect, but faithful. Today, that is not as easy to find and is a wonderful quality. Her affair is on her. Despite any issues in a marriage, having an affair is a selfish, immature way to deal with them. A 4 year affair speaks volumes about her ability to be duplicitous and her character. Not so honorable or honest, right? 8. Find a good therapist to help you maneuver through this. Things will get better, eventually. It is so very difficult to even get up and go, but you have to. You have yourself and 2 children to consider. Cliche, but true - time heals. Not all wounds, but enough to help a lot. Best to you. Hugs. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I don't see why so many people want to kick a BS while they're down, by making up stories about how they will be laughed at everywhere and how they will never get over it so they must leave their homes in shame. I mean, aren't they in enough pain without you making up reasons for them to feel worse?? Things WILL get better. You CAN stay in your home if you choose to. It is totally up to you! You can decide that you will NOT let the past ruin you and take away from everything that you have. Or you can decide that you will not let the past chain you down, and move on. You have the power to take control of your own future, regardless of what your cheating spouse or anyone else says. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I don't see why so many people want to kick a BS while they're down, by making up stories about how they will be laughed at everywhere and how they will never get over it so they must leave their homes in shame. I mean, aren't they in enough pain without you making up reasons for them to feel worse?? Things WILL get better. You CAN stay in your home if you choose to. It is totally up to you! You can decide that you will NOT let the past ruin you and take away from everything that you have. Or you can decide that you will not let the past chain you down, and move on. You have the power to take control of your own future, regardless of what your cheating spouse or anyone else says. When a BS... especially a man in this situation first find out, they completely freak out. They make a bunch of early mistakes and sometimes they do damage to themselves. So in this OP's case, his marriage is done. A 4 year affair is almost always fatal. In this case she was having wild monkey sex with the neighborhood stud for 4 years in his bed. She is giving he a total line of crap to "Keep" her marriage. More than likely she is still screwing him. So with this OP, He needs to quit being a weak man and pick himself up and file for divorce. Dump his social circle because they all knew. Further he needs to get away from his wife who disrespected him in such a horrible way that no self-respecting man would take her back. Does that help you, SMM??? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 (edited) When a BS... especially a man in this situation first find out, they completely freak out. They make a bunch of early mistakes and sometimes they do damage to themselves. So in this OP's case, his marriage is done. A 4 year affair is almost always fatal. In this case she was having wild monkey sex with the neighborhood stud for 4 years in his bed. She is giving he a total line of crap to "Keep" her marriage. More than likely she is still screwing him. So with this OP, He needs to quit being a weak man and pick himself up and file for divorce. Dump his social circle because they all knew. Further he needs to get away from his wife who disrespected him in such a horrible way that no self-respecting man would take her back. Does that help you, SMM??? As I said in a previous post, I am a big advocate of reconciliation where I see hope. I was, after all, a cheater who was given a second chance. But 4 years...jeez that's tough, and I tend to agree with Blues. It is difficult to see hope in this one. How is she behaving now mincrafter? What is she saying about OM? Is she in any way defending him...or herself? If she doesn't get on her knees and start begging very soon, then it is pretty much dead in the water I'm afraid. Did you honestly have no clue at all over the 4 years? She deserves an Oscar if she managed to act normal for all that time. But she doesn't deserve you. Edited August 22, 2017 by jenkins95 2 Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I was a WW in my first marriage. I met OMs through gatherings here and there. People knew and people talk. You said you fear public exposure of the affair because you'd feel humiliated if others knew. She's had a four year affair with the friend of her friends husband. I can damn near guarantee the friend, her husband, and some of that social group already know either because they were told, have seen inappropriate behavior, or just picked up on it. If you want my advice, tell your wife the friend AND that whole group have to go. Trust me, they knew and aren't friends of yours or your marriage. NC with the whole lot if you want to reconcile. 51 months is a lot of deceit and lying. It is a second secret life. I cannot imagine how any man would ever want to R given that degree of deceit. No woman has a 51 month affair and loves their spouse. Also, tell her family so they know why you are breaking this off. This is not your fault that she decided to go that route with another man. The OP is still in shock but the person he 'loves' does not exist. She is another man's for all intent and purposes. I just wonder how she could look at you in the eye for 51 months and not have her conscience kill her. That is cold. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 When a BS... especially a man in this situation first find out, they completely freak out. They make a bunch of early mistakes and sometimes they do damage to themselves. So in this OP's case, his marriage is done. A 4 year affair is almost always fatal. In this case she was having wild monkey sex with the neighborhood stud for 4 years in his bed. She is giving he a total line of crap to "Keep" her marriage. More than likely she is still screwing him. So with this OP, He needs to quit being a weak man and pick himself up and file for divorce. Dump his social circle because they all knew. Further he needs to get away from his wife who disrespected him in such a horrible way that no self-respecting man would take her back. Does that help you, SMM??? oh he definitely should divorce her and getting rid of the bed made sense, i just feel like rubbing it in is harsh. mostly i just want to say to the op that YOU are not a failure. SHE is the failure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 People have decade long affairs and still manage to reconcile. Long recovery road but if she has decided to stay with you, that says that she still loves you. Many women leave at the start of an affair for the othe man. She obviously stayed. Focus on that. Something is missing in your marriage that she felt she needed to turn to someone else. Have you given her the time, attention, and affection she needed? The financial security she needs to feel safe and provided for? If not, work on providing these for her and her love for you will grow and she will never cheat on you again. You need to become her everything and be the person she needs you to be before you can expect her to be faithful. Work on you... the rest will follow. Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 Also, do not take her affair personally. It wasn't about you. The other man may have manipulated her if she is a more submissive personality type and yes, men can manipulate women for many years. It happened to me. It was never about my husband. So many men are out to mess with a married woman and don't understand the pain they have caused. If anything, blame the other man. You know your wife. She has stayed because of you. Fight for your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 People have decade long affairs and still manage to reconcile. Long recovery road but if she has decided to stay with you, that says that she still loves you. Many women leave at the start of an affair for the othe man. She obviously stayed. Focus on that. Something is missing in your marriage that she felt she needed to turn to someone else. Have you given her the time, attention, and affection she needed? The financial security she needs to feel safe and provided for? If not, work on providing these for her and her love for you will grow and she will never cheat on you again. You need to become her everything and be the person she needs you to be before you can expect her to be faithful. Work on you... the rest will follow. AHG...It really does not work that way. OP's wife knew it was an exit affair. Or he is the weakest man in the history of men. No way she cares about him in any way after a 4 year affair. She may not want to lose her lifestyle, she may not want to have her kids 50% of the time, she may not want to be shamed publicly, but she does not love him in any way. Not after 4 years. No way. He would be a fool to stay with her... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 You need to decide what you can handle. You are not weak to forgive her. It takes a very strong person to forgive. If you have kids, she will always be in your life. The other man in my situation, which also lasted over four years, reconciled with his wife. They fought to save their marriage. He manipulated me and hurt me more than any human should ever have to suffer. His wife decided to stay in her marriage and fight for him. Proof that even long term affairs don't have to destroy a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 4 years is a long time ...yes And the only reason they are not together is because he does not want more than what they had.....otherwise she would have left a long time ago . Op things will get okay someday but it takes a lot of time mind movies are a norm after Dday..it stayed with me after a year . 4 years affair with I love you exchanged don't stop over night .invest in a VAR if you don't plan on throwing her out now ... Please do not provide her comfort there is really nothing to love about her currently she betrayed you /lies to you for 4 years every day .She bought the man in the house . She does not respect you or your marriage or your family ....she did not think about you.her grown children ...as long as her desire were being fulfilled to bring this home right to your doorstep this woman is as selfish as they come . She is crying because she can manipulate you this way .don't provide comfort...you are making a mistake...she knows she has you wrapped up . I am all for reconciliation ..byt this woman has no remorse and you are setting your self up for more ddays .. put her out of your home for now .this woman has shifted her loyalty to the om she will not protect neither you neither her children . I understand right now it's overwhelming but one day acceptance will set in .it takes time but we all got there .you did not know you could not control what you did not know .and soon you will realise you still cannot control thier actions .only yours Your action to stay or go /your action right now will influence the outcome of your situation . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 AHG...It really does not work that way. OP's wife knew it was an exit affair. Or he is the weakest man in the history of men. No way she cares about him in any way after a 4 year affair. She may not want to lose her lifestyle, she may not want to have her kids 50% of the time, she may not want to be shamed publicly, but she does not love him in any way. Not after 4 years. No way. He would be a fool to stay with her... BluesPower... He would be a fool to not try and reconcile. Biggest mistake on his part both for any kids involved and financially would be to not fight for his marriage. That would be letting the other man win. Should he really let another man, one who slept with his wife, destroy his marriage too? I'd be fighting like never before to not only save my marriage but also to prove to the other man that he meant nothing to my wife. Show the other man that he was never good enough for his wife. The other man might have raged a battle but he's going to win the war and have an even better marriage than before the OM came into the picture. Let him chose to either allow another man to destroy his marriage or fight to save it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 Why give the OM an ego boost by letting him destroy your marriage. Fighting for your marriage will make her affair partner look like an idiot. He should have known better than to sleep with a married woman! He's the one who is weak and a coward. As a husband, you are the one who needs to fight for your wife. Prove to the other man that you will not let him win! Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 Hands down, there are way more married men looking to sleep with another man's wife. It gives them some sort of messed up ego boost. Husbands need to start putting these type of men in their place. By saving the marriage, it sends a clear message to other men to stay away from the wife. It would be a double standard for women to stay with husbands that cheat but men to not stay with a wife that cheats. Again, men who prey on married women do not deserve to win!!! Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 (edited) BluesPower... He would be a fool to not try and reconcile. Biggest mistake on his part both for any kids involved and financially would be to not fight for his marriage. That would be letting the other man win. Should he really let another man, one who slept with his wife, destroy his marriage too? I'd be fighting like never before to not only save my marriage but also to prove to the other man that he meant nothing to my wife. Show the other man that he was never good enough for his wife. The other man might have raged a battle but he's going to win the war and have an even better marriage than before the OM came into the picture. Let him chose to either allow another man to destroy his marriage or fight to save it. A reconciliation is possible only if the wife is remorseful ...you cannot force that .your wife is not .do not fight for the marriage. She is boastful she is not a prize to win or to have . You and your children are . Edited August 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude~T 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 You don't think a man can manipulate a woman? You obviously don't have a degree in psychology. You also have no experience with victims of sexual assualt. Did you know that there are many cases where the victim falls in love with the perpetrator? Don't be naive to think manipulation did not play a part in her affair. She sounds like she is hurting also, which is proof she was manipulated. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 The only way reconciliation is possible is if his wife has ended the affair, gone into therapy and is remorseful. If it is anything other than these things I would separate pronto! Link to post Share on other sites
Whitenblack Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I cannot imagine the devastation you are in OP, but I highly recommend seeing a therapist to help yourself recover. If I were in your shoes, I would never be able to trust her again, and divorce would be inevitable. Of course, I don't know what kind of financial situation you are in, or if you have kids and such. As hard as it may be, I would suggest removing this person from your life, and start a new chapter with your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hammyy2k Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 (edited) leak her all vile things online, expose her true face to her colleagues and coworkers, relatives, parents and close circles. expose her boyfriend as well to his own circle and to her friend as well and destroy her reputation, serve her divorce papers and hire a good lawyer to get as much leverage from the divorce as possible dont let her stay for one more moment now. dunno which kinda society you belong but in my society the cheater is disgusted upon not the one who got cheated or betrayed and well life must have taught to to never trust anybody except your blood relatives/ parents. it was foolish of you to trust such a woman to be honest, must be really vile to cheat and go on in her life as normal you must be very poor judge of one's character, people do show from their character what they are made up of. Edited August 23, 2017 by hammyy2k 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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