Blindsided by Dumper

[Taticake]

I was dumped about a month ago after a 4 year relationship. Today I decided to go NC. I felt completely blindsided. He cheated on me with his coworker, and while he was with me, he and his coworker developed feelings for each other. Yes ofcourse right after he dumps me, he continues seeing her. He said he lost all of feelings for me and has feelings for this new one. It was all shocking to me. Apparently he said while I was grieving the loss of my dad, I neglected him.. Wtf.

 

Anyways. 1 month later I actually resent him and wish him well in his new rebound relationship and went NC for my own good... Not for him. Today is day 0 only because he texted me today saying he still wants to be friends... I never replied, but no I wont be his friend.

 

I can say 1 month after this weird turnaround of events I'm actually looking forward to moving on. 2 weeks ago I was a mess. Now I look back and im thinking wow.. No one should ever put anyone through that. If he ever comes back during NC, well either he would need a brain transplant or make a complete 180 degree changes in his life (impossible). People never change. He had the nerve to tell me that if his relationship(s) dont work out then we can reconsider each other in the future.. I will never take him back. Hes so arrogant enough to think I'll be waiting around for him like his back up plan. Anyways apologies for the rant.. I'm glad it took me a few days short of a month to become intrigued by other people out there.

 

Also word of advice for people. Use NC to move on, take those few wks after a break up to cry and have a support system but never ever be a back up plan.

 

Also i think its hilarious that he thinks I will wait around for him. I never answered him when he texted me... So for all he knows I'll be waiting for him. The future might surprise him when he sees that Ive moved on.

 

My ex pretty much said the same thing to me. 13 days after I started NC, he contacted me with breadcrumbs saying how he misses me and thought about me everyday, saying that he wants us to get back together in the future. What the actual f....I'm worth way more than just a rebound. I am not getting back with you in the future just because your relationship with your new girl didn't work. You did a great job and we as dumpers ALWAYS need to have some dignities for ourselves

[110Girl]

I go to sleep angry and I wake up angry. I have only feelings of hatred 9 days into NC.

I wish nothing but bad.

I feel like it would give me peace just to know he is going through distress. But I would never know bc NC.

Im angry..sooo angry right now.

 

I hate him so much.. For how much hurt he has put me through. I hate to see my mom cry when she sees her daughter hurting.

 

Youre probably right. Maybe im projecting my feelings of hurt onto myself, and thinking hes perfectly fine.

 

Right before I started NC he showed me his phone. Him and the rebound text pages and pages and pages and novels a day to each other. Pictures of what theyre eating as meals. Work things, Flirty things, all the way into the AM even on work nights. He told me how funny she is and how he enjoys talking to her. Thats why i feel hes doing just fine. While I have to endure hell.

 

Maybe he said that to make me feel bad. Maybe thats how he truly feels during the honeymoon phase. They already spend 8 hrs a day at work and probably the whole day and night together too. Im just so disturbed by it all. It just looks like its going to actually work between them. Before I started NC, He even showed me a text where she said "i know you have a gf but you've been giving me mixed signals and i dont know what to make of it". And his response was "the relationship between me and my gf has effectively fizzled out and i do think youre fun and attractive but i need to deal with unresolved matters". 2 days later he broke up with me.

[frigginlost]

I go to sleep angry and I wake up angry. I have only feelings of hatred 9 days into NC.

I wish nothing but bad.

I feel like it would give me peace just to know he is going through distress. But I would never know bc NC.

Im angry..sooo angry right now.

 

I hate him so much.. For how much hurt he has put me through. I hate to see my mom cry when she sees her daughter hurting.

 

Youre probably right. Maybe im projecting my feelings of hurt onto myself, and thinking hes perfectly fine.

 

Right before I started NC he showed me his phone. Him and the rebound text pages and pages and pages and novels a day to each other. Pictures of what theyre eating as meals. Work things, Flirty things, all the way into the AM even on work nights. He told me how funny she is and how he enjoys talking to her. Thats why i feel hes doing just fine. While I have to endure hell.

 

Maybe he said that to make me feel bad. Maybe thats how he truly feels during the honeymoon phase. They already spend 8 hrs a day at work and probably the whole day and night together too. Im just so disturbed by it all. It just looks like its going to actually work between them. Before I started NC, He even showed me a text where she said "i know you have a gf but you've been giving me mixed signals and i dont know what to make of it". And his response was "the relationship between me and my gf has effectively fizzled out and i do think youre fun and attractive but i need to deal with unresolved matters". 2 days later he broke up with me.

 

Who was he trying to convince that he is so in love, you or him?

 

Ya see, he's acting like a child. He would not have pulled that cr*p if he was an adult or at least mature.

 

He's a textbook cheater. Will his land of rainbows and unicorns last? I doubt it. Lack of character is not something that can be glossed over forever. The first sign of any crack in the armor regarding his new relationship will probably push a fishing line to be dropped in your pond.

 

The ex who cheated on me, pulled the same crap. I was angry for months, and the feelings would alter between pain and anger a ton. It was absolutely brutal. But as the weeks wore on and I continued to ride the anger and hurt roller coaster, a clarity began to creep in. Right about that time, the world of make believe she was living in, began to crumble. Real life set in with her new dude and she found that looking over the fence at the neighbors green yard still required yard work to keep the lawn green. There was no such thing as a forever honeymoon period. It was then she dropped a line back in my pond, and it was then that I grabbed the pole, broke it in half, and handed it back to her. You'll get there.

[110Girl]

Yeah it seemed as if he was convincing himself of the break up everytime he talked crap about me and talked so highly of her. It was painful to listen to. When I saw the texts it was like SHE actually egged him on to break up with me. Starting off friendly then seduced him. While she left a LTR for him too.

 

It was such a weird surreal painful experience listening to him talk about her. Like he was intoxicated. It was almost like an alien was inhabiting his body. I didnt even recognize him anymore. Thats not the person I fell in love with.

 

I hate him right now. But yes to get a breadcrumb would be amazing so i can see the insecurity coming through. I want that fishing line to drop just so i can watch from a distance as he falls apart, hoping and wishing for a bite. I hope he eventually feels what im going through right now. To ignore a 4 to 5 yr relationship over a double rebound situation and act totally fine seems unreal. It has to hit him hard eventually. I cant wait for that to happen. I may never know but I hope I know. For now Im NCing so hard he wont know if Im dead or alive (doesnt even seems like he cares though tbh).

[110Girl]

ugh this is becoming unbearable. I had a few days where I didnt care followed by how Im feeling now. I cant even function.. Quit my job. Close to being in malnutrition. This is bad. I cant do this anymore..too hard, too difficult.

 

Day 9 of NC...does it get better??? God it seems like the only peace I get is sleep and thats IF i dont dream of him. Otherwise i wake up and im in even more pain.

 

I hope karma is real. This is not good at all. Honestly worried about myself.

[110Girl]

Omfg i need to stay away from my phone.

 

I almost broke NC today with angry texts.

 

I typed it all out but then i remembered im doing so well. Almost made it to day 10. Also my angry texts arent going to achieve ANYTHING.

 

The only motivation I had was to not feel worse than I already do.

 

OMG so close... God today is difficult.

[110Girl]

Day 10 of NC

 

Wow I cant believe I almost texted him angry things and broke NC. Took me a lot not to do it.

 

1 week ago I would considered taking him back if he came back apologetically. But now I know I wont. Im still angry though.

 

Hes a cheater and he hid things from me. He probably will do that in all of his relationships, and thats if his rebounds dont do it first. If hes apologetic it just means his rebound didnt work out and hes having a hard time finding another girl. It also means I would be a rebound from a rebound... No thank you. Plus if He really and truly was apologetic, the amount of changes he would have to make would be IMPOSSIBLE and he wouldnt agree to any of it. I would never forgive him for cheating on me and it just would never work out. The trust is gone. So yes, hope for reconciliation is starting to look bleak on my end as well.

 

Im not sure why he wants to be my friend after he requested "space". Friendship is based on trust too. Clearly he wants me on a back burner in case his flings dont work out.

[110Girl]

Once again even after I said that^ I found myself googling "do dumpers ever come back" and all of its variations of rebounds and stuff. I guess thats still better than sending angry texts and breaking NC. Man I cant wait until I start feeling an upwards trend. This is definitely rock bottom for me.

 

My mind is a mess. Its like Im trying to convince myself that I dont want him but I still want stupid validation.

 

This almost makes me want to give up on relationships/life in general... How can 1 person have this much impact on me. The last few days I have been thinking awfully friendly thoughts about wishing I was dead. Im not finding peace in my sleep either.. Im always waking up with a horrible feeling. I cant seem to handle this.

 

In 2 more days I have to go to a wedding!!!! Of all things. Can life get any more torturous. Sighhhh. Going to need all the xanax I can find.

[frigginlost]

Once again even after I said that^ I found myself googling "do dumpers ever come back" and all of its variations of rebounds and stuff. I guess thats still better than sending angry texts and breaking NC. Man I cant wait until I start feeling an upwards trend. This is definitely rock bottom for me.

 

My mind is a mess. Its like Im trying to convince myself that I dont want him but I still want stupid validation.

 

This almost makes me want to give up on relationships/life in general... How can 1 person have this much impact on me. The last few days I have been thinking awfully friendly thoughts about wishing I was dead. Im not finding peace in my sleep either.. Im always waking up with a horrible feeling. I cant seem to handle this.

 

In 2 more days I have to go to a wedding!!!! Of all things. Can life get any more torturous. Sighhhh. Going to need all the xanax I can find.

 

Normal. Completely normal.

 

The ride you're on is absolutely brutal. We've all been there, and we all wanted to find the easy route to get through it. We also found out, that there is no easy way. You've got to ride the waves. The plus side, is that even though it does not feel like it, you are actually healing. You're building scars to a part of your life that was painful. When the fog starts to lift, you will see everything clearly and it starts to get easier. Sadly, it's going to take a while to get there. Being cheated on destroys a person. It takes them down to a place they have never been. Trust, loyalty, happiness, it goes out the window. I'm a year and a half out of finding out, and I still have my rough days. But, I do have clarity and have started to trust again.

 

Just keep putting one step in front of the other, breathe, and know it does get better.

[110Girl]

Thanks. The pain seems to be getting worse but I noticed on Day 10 of NC. Im absolutely sure I never want to be with him. I cant see myself with a cheater. And it helps that i keep calling him a cheater. Whereas in the beginning I was begging and pleading him to come back to me. Gross. The girl hes with now is perfect for him, both being cheaters and rebounding together. Im shocked because i never expected this behavior from him. In my mind for years he was always one of the good ones. And now hes not.

[110Girl]

Normal. Completely normal.

 

The ride you're on is absolutely brutal. We've all been there, and we all wanted to find the easy route to get through it. We also found out, that there is no easy way. You've got to ride the waves. The plus side, is that even though it does not feel like it, you are actually healing. You're building scars to a part of your life that was painful. When the fog starts to lift, you will see everything clearly and it starts to get easier. Sadly, it's going to take a while to get there. Being cheated on destroys a person. It takes them down to a place they have never been. Trust, loyalty, happiness, it goes out the window. I'm a year and a half out of finding out, and I still have my rough days. But, I do have clarity and have started to trust again.

 

Just keep putting one step in front of the other, breathe, and know it does get better.

 

Thank you for that. Its very helpful to listen to...I hope the intense pain is healing. I cant wait until the fog lifts. Im hoping intense pain now means healing from now on... But yes some things are getting more clear day by day. Maybe that just means the pain is helping me. Thank you....

 

Im thankful i didnt receive breadcrumbs yet. Im still too confused and vulnerable and i feel like it would set me back. Thats why I keep updating this thread. People here are INCREDIBLY helpful and im so thankful for it.

Edited August 29, 2017 by 110Girl
Adding how im grateful for this forum and people here....

[110Girl]

Day 11 of NC

 

Even though the pain is still there, it has reduced a bit. Today I realized I started thinking a lot less about the good stuff about him because I just dont find him attractive anymore. I dont feel tormented right now maybe because my emotions have been all over the place and my brain is tired and taking a break. I didnt get an irrational urge to text him today (not sure why I almost did yesterday). Me being 11 days into NC is an accomplishment and I have no reason to break it.

 

Today I wrote down on paper all the bad things about him that I cant ever forgive and why I can never get back with him, and that was therapeutic. I realized besides him cheating, I am completely unable to forgive that he tried to make me feel guilty for grieving the loss of my dad and he was soo selfish that he blamed me for neglecting him. And the "neglect" was a result of him cheating.. BS. Complete BS. I read my list outloud to myself... Then I ripped it up and trashed it (also therapeutic).

 

I think today I realized that i dont even want to see him again. It wont give me pleasure seeing him. I have not felt an ounce of relief since the break up but today, day 11 of NC, for the first time ever... I got a sense of relief that maybe, just maybe, I dodged a bullet. Maybe its good that I found this out now rather than later. I can definitely find someone MUCH better. He is afterall replaceable.

 

Him and the rebound... Double rebound. They are like birds of the same feather. People like that find people who are most similar to themselves. Maybe I should find it an honor, a blessing, and a favor that he left for someone equal to his own level.

Edited August 30, 2017 by 110Girl
Spelling

[fieldoflavender]

You should write to him, but don't send it to him. I did that for a month, but then somehow now I never have the urge to write to him anymore. He is not that important in my life anymore. Yes I am still angry, but I've come to terms that despite me wanting to say angry things to him, it's pointless when he doesn't play any more role in my life. So and if we say angry things, it's just a way to instigate conflict and get the other person to speak back too. So we can be the bigger person for US and just move on. Know never to put yourself in a position where you were with someone who did so many horrible things and made you so angry.

 

I'm 3 months out and I started out like that. Weddings are the evil. But you can do it if I can do it too.

[110Girl]

You should write to him, but don't send it to him. I did that for a month, but then somehow now I never have the urge to write to him anymore. He is not that important in my life anymore. Yes I am still angry, but I've come to terms that despite me wanting to say angry things to him, it's pointless when he doesn't play any more role in my life. So and if we say angry things, it's just a way to instigate conflict and get the other person to speak back too. So we can be the bigger person for US and just move on. Know never to put yourself in a position where you were with someone who did so many horrible things and made you so angry.

 

I'm 3 months out and I started out like that. Weddings are the evil. But you can do it if I can do it too.

 

You have been NC for 3 months? Nice. I really cant wait until i dont care and lose count of NC. I cant wait to reach true indifference.

 

It seems like writing and reading things are helping.

 

Thanks!

 

I learned a cool trick that if you keep telling yourself something with repetition your brain will ultimately believe it. Im trying to tell myself to be indifferent/apathetic/nonchalant about all of this that he doesnt matter to me and that i am worth so much more. Its helping....

[vickyp]

Mine didn't cheat, but he was a complete assH### so I feel your pain. I'm hitting 4 mths now. Being nc is very hard like others said, but once you get past that bump in the road you will be ok. I'm at the stage where yes it hurts, but I don't miss or feel the need to talk. So hang in there. It does get better.

[vickyp]

Btw he dump he via text. I thought we were adults and not in high school lol

[fieldoflavender]

I've been in NC for 2 months had to contact past beyond first week for practical things but he made it very difficult and hence makes this process easier. If he was nicer, I would feel sadder, but given he acted like an immature person who ran away from all his problems (one of the major reasons we broke up), then it just completely reinforced why we would never ever work out and I'm thankful I escaped now (although would have been more awesome if I had just never gotten involved with him).

 

I think the worse things they do, the easier it's for you to let go. And the day of break-up, I pleaded and begged, and now I"m at the stage where I am like

 

-WTF?!?! I should have ran faster than ever out of there. Now when I think about it, I just shudder. Yes the hurt is still there, the anger is, but it's just as nasty chapter of my life and terrible life lessons that I had to stumble down to learn important lessons. I'm not proud of that stage of my life, but at least I can improve for the future.

[110Girl]

I completely REGRET begging and pleading and crying in front of him. I actually read about NC only after I did what I wasn't supposed to do. Lol.

 

This is the longest ever I have gone without contacting him. I think maybe I am experiencing withdrawal. Im still secretly hoping for breadcrumbs even though i shouldnt be hoping for it.

 

Everytime i feel pain I made a note in my phone and I open up and read it. Sorry it might sound a little bad but its to give me a confidence boost.

 

"Who gives a f*** if he cheated. It shouldnt phase you anymore. Hes not important enough to care or waste energy on anymore. Use your energy on people that actually matter. You are attractive, hot, and young, use the weightloss to your advantage and start toning. All the guys will be lining up to meet you. While hes hanging around trying to impress sleezy scumbags just like himself. Apply NC like never before, dont respond to anything, let him think you're dead. Because honestly who even cares. Hes the lowest of the low and youre too good for him."

[110Girl]

Day 12 of NC

 

Okay this is weird. Now my brain is trying to see from the perspective of my ex.

 

Im basically trying to recall everything he was saying about why he wants to break up/why he cheated.

 

He thought I didnt like him anymore. I didnt spend time with him. I neglected him.

 

Because I was mourning the loss of my dad.

 

Nice try brain. Thats a great excuse for cheating - Only for selfish people...

 

Well the pain still is there but Im trying to rise above it. I keep reading my snarky notes I made in my phone and I cant help but smile because I made sure my notes were speckled with attitude.

 

Maybe one day I'll look back and laugh. I actually wish I can surgically remove the pain stuff so I can function normally.

[110Girl]

I have been getting random urges to text him today.

 

Ahhhh. Things like "im so thankful that you broke up with me" or "im really happy for you".

 

Why brain why. Dont worry I didnt text him.

 

Im almost at 2 wks of NC. I cant break it now!!

[110Girl]

I have a question:

 

Does anyone know why the rebound cheater/dumper ignores? Is he that obsessed with the rebound that he completely forgot about me?

 

I feel insulted that he has been ignoring me. Like am I not even worthy of breadcrumbs...???

 

Is he ever going to regret hurting me? Did he even mourn the 4 yr relationship after the break up or it was THAT easy to move on. I mean he cant be that much of a sociopath...can he???

 

Here I am falling apart and considering anti anxiety meds to function in life and hes just went from me to her.. Just like that? So hard to comprehend.

 

Nothing is adding up or making sense. This has to be a honeymoon period and there has to a point where the emotions he pushed aside come crashing down on him... Right??

 

[Ronaldwah]

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[110Girl]

Day 13 of NC

 

Everything seems to be getting worse. Im getting panic attacks and getting shaky. I am currently traveling... Getting so jealous looking at other couples doing things together. Sat next to someone who would not stop talking about her relationship. Also going to a wedding during this travel trip... Lol that definitely doesnt help.

 

1 day away from being at 2 weeks NC. Wow its like literally drug withdrawal. Ex rehabilitation is a painful process.

 

I miss him a lot. But him cheating ruined everything. Even though I want to be with him, I cant. I can never take back a cheater no matter what. Whether they regret it or not. But god it would just feel great if I knew he misses me or something.

 

I have accepted that i can never be with him. In my mind, he is dead to me. I have no room in my heart for someone who chose to walk away with the intention of it being forever.

 

That being said.... I still want breadcrumbs.

[highlands24]

Followed your story, similar with mine. My NC period is just longer. She dumped me by phone for someone, we were in a 4 year Ldr but saw each other very often, every 4,5 days.

I broke NC just once to wish her a happy birthday. I never received any breadcrumbs also, and I need them, just for validation.. of our relationship, of me, of everything.

I do understand you completely. She is either a sociopath, either so blinded by the new relationship, as she said she couldn't have the strength to talk to me.( when I said happy birthday).

Just hang in there, it will be better with time. I am better. And I was a complete mess...

My heart goes out to you, and I literally can feel your pain.. Be brave!

[110Girl]

Followed your story, similar with mine. My NC period is just longer. She dumped me by phone for someone, we were in a 4 year Ldr but saw each other very often, every 4,5 days.

I broke NC just once to wish her a happy birthday. I never received any breadcrumbs also, and I need them, just for validation.. of our relationship, of me, of everything.

I do understand you completely. She is either a sociopath, either so blinded by the new relationship, as she said she couldn't have the strength to talk to me.( when I said happy birthday).

Just hang in there, it will be better with time. I am better. And I was a complete mess...

My heart goes out to you, and I literally can feel your pain.. Be brave!

 

Yes its so weird. Its like I need the breadcrumbs for myself to feel better.

 

Isnt it crazy how after so long they just seem to have this fog descend on their minds. Its like they went blind toward us. I really wonder why and how it happens!!!

 

Its like hellooo did all of that mean ANYTHING to you???

 

I cant believe it. Everything can be great for YEARS and then the next day they throw it out the window for some other person!

 

I really hope someone does to him what he did to me.

Edited September 1, 2017 by 110Girl