We love each other, but are not compatible

[GunslingerRoland]

It's interesting because I've often heard of the opposite conflict, where the man wants a stay at home wife, and the woman wants to work.

 

But either way it sounds like a significant difference in perspective. Just keep in mind that you've already limited your dating pool to only men that can support a whole family on their own, which as others have pointed out, is a minority these days.

[smackie9]

This is more than him wanting an extra income, he wants a strong, financially independent, stand on her own two feet woman....his equal partner, that is career driven as he is. Unfortunately he is in the infatuation stage and hasn't taken the rose coloured glasses off yet to see he isn't getting what he wants.

 

His vision...you both in your business attire, kissing the kids goodbye, and leaving them with the nanny.

[JuneL]

OP: Did you have the luxury of staying at home to take care of your kids before you were divorced? Do you tend to date guys who are very financially secure and being a stay-at-home mom should not pose any issue financially? I notice that there are women who tend to attract financially well-off men, but those tend to look very high maintenance.

[Usename12]

A lot of people stay in relationships too long because it's comfortable and breaking up, which is essentially ripping apart a lifestyle you've been used to and removing your best friend from your life, is hard no matter what. But if you both feel strongly about this and won't budge, then it's better to part ways now when you are still relatively early than later when you are both embedded more deeply into each other's lives emotionally and practically.

[diddilybop]

yeah, these two opposing values are just too much. plus, you both seem very adamant about what you both want and don't want to compromise. i think it's time to part before you two get even more emotionally invested and committed to each other. know that at this day and age, it's VERY difficult for one partner to be the sole financial supporter in the relationship and even more so in a family. whatever you decide, good luck to you both.

[Popsicle]

I vote do not compromise. It was both hard and rewarding staying home with my kids. I'm so greatful that I got to.

[Popsicle]

 

I find that in areas where there is a more traditional mindset and SAHMs, the divorced wives tend to be behind the ball in terms of education, professional opportunity/potential. Just saying....it behooves ladies to continue remaining relevant both in terms of education and marketability in the event things do not work out in the long term.

 

Ahem. I live in an area where there a lot of SAHM's too and even though I did I am educated and on the ball financially. TYVM. I find it hard to find a guy who is single and on the ball financially (no debt, has savings/retirement)

[RecentChange]

Yeah... I am in the SF Bay area. Not exactly a "traditional" area, nor is the cost of living low.

 

But like I mentioned earlier, a number of the mothers I know are SAHMs.

 

How did I meet these ladies? Many I went to college with (they have either BS, or advanced degrees), a few I have met through my boarding stable (I ride horses with them).

 

And yes, their husbands earn well north of six figures, and as a family, despite the education and skills of the mother, have choose to devote more time to the raising of their children than the promotion of their careers. They feel it's more important and I can't say I disagree.

 

I understand that many do not have the means to choose the same path, but personally I think there is a lot of merit to deciding to prioritize things that way.

 

Personally I am a "career woman" and couldn't imagine trying to fit a child into my life.

[diddilybop]

I vote do not compromise. It was both hard and rewarding staying home with my kids. I'm so greatful that I got to.

 

THIS. my mom was a very busy career-woman, always in the office til super late or traveling for business and made well over six figures, i definitely wished she was a SAHM or worked a lot less. while it was her choice to work and i can respect it, growing up as a kid, it would've been really nice to have her around.

[BaileyB]

See, and I vote that it should be a discussion and a compromise between the two people in a relationship. Would I love to stay home - sure! But, I would not walk away from a relationship with a man that I love because I could not stay home with my kids... I would like to think that we could have the discussion of what we could afford and make the decision - together.

[thefooloftheyear]

I enjoy debating this topic....And being a guy that "walked the walk", I perhaps can offer a perspective....

 

Firstly. I don't judge anyone, so please don't defend what you do...That's fine..I just didn't like the idea of going to work( I have enormous stress as it is at times) and not knowing if the one that decided to "watch" my tiny little angel that day decided to get stoned and forgot to pay attention when she was choking...or some other nonsense...No one EVER watched that kid except her family...Period... I knew it was going to be hard, but we planned for it...I knew the costs going in...I see people handing over infants to daycare and both gone from 7AM-7PM....Then they are exhausted to hell once the weekend comes...Heck . I don't think Id want my dog to endure that, let alone my kid...

 

Also realize this...

 

What this guy is saying now pretty much means shyt...And here is why...Once that guy holds that little person....that his DNA created...Well...most of the pragmatism that men are so good at goes out the window...Every guy I knew changed when they had kids...Every single one...Including myself..Most of us turn into big softies....He may well completely 180 on this...in fact, if hes as solid of a guy as the OP is making him out to be, then I can almost guarantee it...So don't be surprised if all of a sudden he's not keen on the daycare and her working FT scenario..He may think that now...Not once its HIS kid...

 

And c'mon ladies...I love you all..But being a SAHM doesn't kill your intellectual growth forever.!!..Most(or practically all) sahm's I know of find ways to "keep themselves sharp" during that time...Some take classes..Some find subcontractor work that they can do from home when the baby is sleeping....There are a myriad of possibilities that can be explored..Especially in this type of economy where its less dependent on the usual offices and board rooms...People are making lots of money in very creative ways now..

 

Where there is a will there is a way...Ive been dead broke, so even while I have good means now, I can live cheap with the best of them and know all the angles...Dump car payments and buy clean used cars, don't eat out that much, give up all vices, do cheaper vacations like car trips and off season stuff. raise deductibles on insurance policies, sell stuff you don't need or want..etc, etc..Like I said, rather than throw hands up, put pen to paper...You would probably be shocked how much you can save...and that its not as un doable as he/some think..

 

Anyway, OP, if its a good match, don't just give it up on this issue...Talk it out...Think about what I said...He very well may 180 on it when he sees its his flesh and blood....Regardless....Keep working on it..I'm sure you will probably find common ground..

 

Peace..

 

TFY

Edited August 11, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[TheFinalWord]

Hi!

 

I have known this guy for a year and we have been dating for a couple of months. Everything is going well. When we are together, he makes me feel loved and cared for. He is kind and giving.

 

We recently had a conversation about our priorities and values. It is a priority for me to be a stay at home mom and for him to be the leader/provider. He would like to have a dual income and for me to be more financially independent. I asked him if he would be able to compromise on this, and he said, "no".

 

***Please note, I respect his views and do not want to argue which is more valid. We have a different perspective on this, neither of us are wrong, just different. *****

 

He says he loves me and has never felt a connection like this before. He has asked me to be his girlfriend and says it will be hard, but we can make it work.

 

I am uncertain. Our values and needs do not align. I love him, but I feel we are not compatible. Has anyone ever experienced this before? Any thoughts?

 

Thank you!

 

Yes, I've experienced a similar scenario. One of the goals of dating is to find out if your romantic interest aligns with your vision for your life. If you want to be a homemaker and he is expecting a career-oriented wife, one of you will likely feel resentment at some point. If you start working, you will resent him once you have children. If you manage to pressure him and end up being able to stay at home, he will complain about bills and stress and will lay a guilt trip on you.

 

Maybe you two can compromise, maybe you can't. But I never recommend getting deep into a serious relationship with the expectation the other person is going to change.

[Versacehottie]

I enjoy debating this topic....And being a guy that "walked the walk", I perhaps can offer a perspective....

 

Firstly. I don't judge anyone, so please don't defend what you do...That's fine..I just didn't like the idea of going to work( I have enormous stress as it is at times) and not knowing if the one that decided to "watch" my tiny little angel that day decided to get stoned and forgot to pay attention when she was choking...or some other nonsense...No one EVER watched that kid except her family...Period... I knew it was going to be hard, but we planned for it...I knew the costs going in...I see people handing over infants to daycare and both gone from 7AM-7PM....Then they are exhausted to hell once the weekend comes...Heck . I don't think Id want my dog to endure that, let alone my kid...

 

Also realize this...

 

What this guy is saying now pretty much means shyt...And here is why...Once that guy holds that little person....that his DNA created...Well...most of the pragmatism that men are so good at goes out the window...Every guy I knew changed when they had kids...Every single one...Including myself..Most of us turn into big softies....He may well completely 180 on this...in fact, if hes as solid of a guy as the OP is making him out to be, then I can almost guarantee it...So don't be surprised if all of a sudden he's not keen on the daycare and her working FT scenario..He may think that now...Not once its HIS kid...

 

And c'mon ladies...I love you all..But being a SAHM doesn't kill your intellectual growth forever.!!..Most(or practically all) sahm's I know of find ways to "keep themselves sharp" during that time...Some take classes..Some find subcontractor work that they can do from home when the baby is sleeping....There are a myriad of possibilities that can be explored..Especially in this type of economy where its less dependent on the usual offices and board rooms...People are making lots of money in very creative ways now..

 

Where there is a will there is a way...Ive been dead broke, so even while I have good means now, I can live cheap with the best of them and know all the angles...Dump car payments and buy clean used cars, don't eat out that much, give up all vices, do cheaper vacations like car trips and off season stuff. raise deductibles on insurance policies, sell stuff you don't need or want..etc, etc..Like I said, rather than throw hands up, put pen to paper...You would probably be shocked how much you can save...and that its not as un doable as he/some think..

 

Anyway, OP, if its a good match, don't just give it up on this issue...Talk it out...Think about what I said...He very well may 180 on it when he sees its his flesh and blood....Regardless....Keep working on it..I'm sure you will probably find common ground..

 

Peace..

 

TFY

 

I agree with the majority of what you said and especially that it came from someone who has experienced this situation. The only thing I don't agree with (and think a lot of the women posting thinking similarly): is the part about the intellectual growth. Personally, that is so low on the list that it would not even be a concern really. The main concern I would have for the OP is that she wants and agrees to this setup with whichever guy thinking she is being protected and cared for and if the marriage fails at year 12, she is far behind in her earning potential and perhaps limited in which types of jobs she can now accept. So while in some ways you are "protected" if you get this arrangement, in other ways it is really risky. I also think that after a certain point, a decent amount of stay at home moms do not feel fulfilled personally and there are effects on the marriage because of this--which is why her inclination to seek out a guy with her mindset on provider/homemaker is 100% right.

 

All that said, I wouldn't necessarily want a nanny raising my kids while I worked an 80 hour a week job. It's a difficult decision to make I'm sure. OP, is not really conflicted on how and what she wants to happen for her though. And both she and her boyfriend have fundamentally differing views. It's great that you could provide some real world evidence of what it was like for you. I don't think that she should stick with this guy banking on the fact that he will change his mind once little Charlie shows up though. (i do agree that it does happen & said so in one of my posts). It would be akin to bait and switch if he wasn't suddenly entranced and did a 180 on his stance. And again risky for her. Better that she cut this one loose and find someone who agrees with her line of thinking on the subject--being that the debate for OP is not whether or not it can or would work but only if she should hang on with this guy. They are already at an impasse. Cut loose.

 

Good points though for the real world practicalities.

[Gaeta]

There is always a healthy middle somewhere. She could work 35 hours a week, she could even work 4 days a week and be home at 4 pm every day.

 

There is a healthy middle in how long you stay home. The 3 first year of a child are the most important. I did stay home till my daughter was 3 then I went to work and I was home for dinner every day. It did me good and it did her good.

 

Divegrl would you please answer people's questions.

 

* How long do you wish to stay home?

* Were you a stay at home mom with your ex?

[BaileyB]

There is always a healthy middle somewhere. She could work 35 hours a week, she could even work 4 days a week and be home at 4 pm every day.

 

There is a healthy middle in how long you stay home. The 3 first year of a child are the most important. I did stay home till my daughter was 3 then I went to work and I was home for dinner every day. It did me good and it did her good.

 

Divegrl would you please answer people's questions.

 

* How long do you wish to stay home?

* Were you a stay at home mom with your ex?

 

Absolutely. Many women find a way to work part time and still be home or work flexible hours for their children. "Working" doesn't have to mean "career woman" with long hours, travel, and lots of stress.

 

And as for child care, would I want to put my infant in childcare - no way. That's why many governments have a 1 or 2 year maternity leave. But, once they are 2 or 3 years old, there is definitely benefit to having your child attend a daycare or nursery program - for socialization and to prepare the child for the routine and structure of school. There are both good and bad child care providers. To assume that every child care provider is not going to love, teach, and care for your child is simply inaccurate. So again... there is a healthy middle ground...

Edited August 11, 2017 by BaileyB

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

Thank you again to everyone providing sincere and honest responses. I have read all of them and truly appreciate the varying perspectives and feedback.

 

I'm trying to explain this the best I can. I feel the question I should be asking is, "Does my partner place a high value/priority in me being a homemaker/mom?" Does he view a partner who is a homemaker as an asset? Do our priorities/goals align?

 

He is very pragmatic and a problem solver. Maybe he could change once we had a child, maybe not? From my experience, being a mom forever changed my priorities and perspectives. Would this be the same experience for him? I am not sure.........

[kendahke]

* How long do you wish to stay home?

* Were you a stay at home mom with your ex?

[divegrl]

To specifically answer your questions....

 

1. As long as possible

2. With my ex husband, I stayed at home for a couple of years. I also worked for a couple of years. So both.

[Gaeta]

To specifically answer your questions....

 

1. As long as possible

2. With my ex husband, I stayed at home for a couple of years. I also worked for a couple of years. So both.

 

What means 'as long as possible' ? It's very hard to get an clear answer out of you.

 

Do you mean till kindergarten or till college?

[divegrl]

My wish would be to stay at home permanently.

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

These are my values and priorities. It's something that is very important to me. Again, I do not wish to debate the merits of this view. I respect all perspectives.

 

Again, thank you to all who provided sincere responses. It has helped me immensely to determine if love is enough to sustain a life partnership with this man.

 

Wishing everyone a beautiful day!!!