We love each other, but are not compatible

[5x5]

Any thoughts?

 

Yep,... don't marry him.

 

In longer form compromising on compatibility is a great way to achieve a miserable relationship.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

By the way, I want to congratulate you on thinking about these things BEFORE marriage.

 

I agree! This shows a lot of maturity.

[Robratory]

He says he loves me and has never felt a connection like this before. He has asked me to be his girlfriend and says it will be hard, but we can make it work.

 

I am uncertain. Our values and needs do not align. I love him, but I feel we are not compatible. Has anyone ever experienced this before? Any thoughts?

 

No, it really can't work except in the very short run. It's not just the SAHM vs working mom. It's all the other attitudes that go along with it.

 

Now, actually, you're in a better position than the other way around. If you were, like, I want to have a career, and he was saying that in his family, all the wimmen stay home and clean, then we'd all be shouting, "Run, divegrl, run!"

 

So at least there's that. However, if he doesn't act like a traditional man, and he probably won't, you'll be disappointed. You'll want that gentle paternalism found in the nicer expressions of traditional masculinity, and he'll be treating you like a 50/50 partner.

[preraph]

He may just be wanting you to be the one to do all the kids stuff and all the house stuff. I mean, in real life, I haven't seen that many altruistic men offering to "let" the woman stay at home for anyone's benefit but his. So with that in mind, you might ask about it and see if he has any comments. And then you might remind him, If we were both working, we could afford a maid and some childcare.

[bachdude]

OP, if you can get creative, you may be able to think of a job that allows you to work from home. What are your skills?

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP, if you can get creative, you may be able to think of a job that allows you to work from home. What are your skills?

 

Absolutely doable. Great idea and option!

[Blanco]

OP, if you can get creative, you may be able to think of a job that allows you to work from home. What are your skills?

 

No! This is how my Facebook feed gets cluttered with spam about LuLaRoe, Pampered Chef, and cleanses.

[bachdude]

No! This is how my Facebook feed gets cluttered with spam about LuLaRoe, Pampered Chef, and cleanses.

 

Those are not creative solutions.

 

Creativity, OP, creativity!

[divegrl]

Hi!!

 

Thank you for all the replies!

 

I agree, I think there are core values that partners need to have similar viewpoints on. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum, which I don't think is viable for a long term loving relationship.

 

Just to further clarify, its more than just me being a stay at home mom. I want him to be the leader and decision maker for our family. I would love, respect and encourage him. Of course I would work if finances were tight, but my main priorities are being a homemaker and mom.

 

He is very successful in business. He would like me to be just as successful with my career or business. We would both be equal decision makers in our family. I think its a mindset, I'm more traditional whereas he is more modern.

 

Again, I value and respect all views on this.

 

It's hard because I do love him, but how much am I willing to sacrifice my core values, priorities and needs. (I spent much time in counseling to set my boundaries!) I think continuing this will just lead to further pain and heartbreak.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I agree, I think there are core values that partners need to have similar viewpoints on. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum, which I don't think is viable for a long term loving relationship.

 

 

It is NOT viable. If you are on opposite ends of the spectrum, no way is this going to work. Someone will compromise and eventually resentment will kick in.

 

I am not suggesting that you end this. That's up to you. I was in a relationship with a woman, on paper, was near perfect. As soon as she crossed the line and undermined one of the core values I find non-negotiable, I ended it. Life is too short and too much to offer to voluntarily stay in a relationship with someone who is bound to make it less so.

[Gaeta]

Just to further clarify, its more than just me being a stay at home mom. I want him to be the leader and decision maker for our family.

 

Are those core values given to you by religion? If so, you may want to search in your religious community.

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

No. I am not a religious person. I am very spiritual.....

 

To answer your earlier question... yes, we both want to have kids. I would not be asking him to support the kids I already have.

[stillafool]

Do you plan to work once the kids go off to school?

[kendahke]

 

He is very successful in business. He would like me to be just as successful with my career or business. We would both be equal decision makers in our family. I think its a mindset, I'm more traditional whereas he is more modern.

 

how much am I willing to sacrifice my core values, priorities and needs. (I spent much time in counseling to set my boundaries!) I think continuing this will just lead to further pain and heartbreak.

 

Yes--he doesn't want an adult dependent; he wants an adult contributor; an equal whose ambition in the workplace matches his. Chances are, these are the types of women he's more intellectually attracted to.

 

My ex's ex wife was of your mindset... being the housewife who stayed home and took care of the children (2 girls). She could work, did work when she was single, but she no longer wanted to once she got married. He made decent money at the time, but it was no where near being enough to live where she wanted to live and live how she wanted to live: which was like a wealthy woman who came from money.

 

Their marriage, obviously, devolved into a hate-fest and their home was a battleground by the time they divorced. Thing is: who he met and wanted to build a life with wasn't who she actually was---she fronted as a career woman in order to get the title "Mrs.", and once her game plan was sprung, he lost intellectual interest in her--long before losing emotional interest in her--which exacerbated the losing of the emotional interest and respect for her. At least you're ahead of this curve by you bringing up what it is you need now instead of after marrying him.

 

Now, there are traditional men who want to do all the directing and leading and are quite fine with you going along with their plan. That would be a far better fit for you than man who expects you to contribute, do 50% of the leading and being a force in the business environment. That type of man wouldn't necessitate you sacrificing your core values, priorities and needs. This man would, and to that end, you would be far better served by breaking up with him and stop wasting another minute of your youth with someone whose ultimate partnership goals are in a completely different universe than your goals. No matter how much you think you love him, love isn't a bridge long enough or strong enough to span this gulf.

[kendahke]

to add to my #39 post:

 

I would not have suggested what I did had he not said to you:

 

asked him if he would be able to compromise on this, and he said, "no".

"we can make it work".

 

As I said earlier, that translates to "you'll do it my way".

 

If he was open from the jump to compromise, then there would be no doubt in your mind that something could be worked out and this thread wouldn't be here.

 

Don't waste your most precious commodities: youth, time and viable ova. They are not replenishable sources.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hi!!

 

Thank you for all the replies!

 

I agree, I think there are core values that partners need to have similar viewpoints on. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum, which I don't think is viable for a long term loving relationship.

 

Just to further clarify, its more than just me being a stay at home mom. I want him to be the leader and decision maker for our family. I would love, respect and encourage him. Of course I would work if finances were tight, but my main priorities are being a homemaker and mom.

 

He is very successful in business. He would like me to be just as successful with my career or business. We would both be equal decision makers in our family. I think its a mindset, I'm more traditional whereas he is more modern.

 

Again, I value and respect all views on this.

 

It's hard because I do love him, but how much am I willing to sacrifice my core values, priorities and needs. (I spent much time in counseling to set my boundaries!) I think continuing this will just lead to further pain and heartbreak.

 

In a way, though, he isn't demonstrating the mindset he purports to believe in since he isn't allowing you to be independent (equal in decision making) in your decision as to whether or not you'll work. To me, his stance is archaic, not modern; as seems to me he's trying to control what you'll do with your life. If he were so modern seems to me he'd give you the freedom to independently choose what you'll do with your future.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Seriously, OP, your immediate option is to layout your "compromise" plan to him and see where it goes.

 

He may have responded 'no' upon your initial request, but that could have been a macho reflect response w/o any down time to analyze or consider the possibilities. Ask him about working from home....ask him about part-time. If still no, you are clearly not compatible.

[Gaeta]

In a way, though, he isn't demonstrating the mindset he purports to believe in since he isn't allowing you to be independent (equal in decision making) in your decision as to whether or not you'll work. To me, his stance is archaic, not modern; as seems to me he's trying to control what you'll do with your life. If he were so modern seems to me he'd give you the freedom to independently choose what you'll do with your future.

 

huh? her freedom to stay home will fall on him to financially support her and the children and everything coming their way. She has the right to stay home alright but he has the right to say he won't pay for it.

[Versacehottie]

Hi!!

 

Thank you for all the replies!

 

I agree, I think there are core values that partners need to have similar viewpoints on. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum, which I don't think is viable for a long term loving relationship.

 

Just to further clarify, its more than just me being a stay at home mom. I want him to be the leader and decision maker for our family. I would love, respect and encourage him. Of course I would work if finances were tight, but my main priorities are being a homemaker and mom.

 

He is very successful in business. He would like me to be just as successful with my career or business. We would both be equal decision makers in our family. I think its a mindset, I'm more traditional whereas he is more modern.

 

Again, I value and respect all views on this.

 

It's hard because I do love him, but how much am I willing to sacrifice my core values, priorities and needs. (I spent much time in counseling to set my boundaries!) I think continuing this will just lead to further pain and heartbreak.

 

You sound like you have a really well defined set of what you are looking for. I think you will be at odds with this guy, wanting him to be something he is not and vice versa. It's not easy but you've clearly recognized. I also forget to say with his mindset, he may end up resenting you or feel belittled. I have seen guys who believe more in a two income thing or actually are fine with being the provider but then getting belittled because the wife is at home with all the other stay at home moms and desperately trying to keep up, possession-wise. Then he feels inadequate and there is a divide. I'm talking about super successful people but they also live and socialize with people also more successful as such communities are. It may not cause problems for some couples but I have seen it where it does (in the case of a few couples) where he believes in a two income family after a certain point & they are in an expensive community and she wants to keep up with her friends/keep up appearances. So it's not just a matter of if they can or cannot financially make it happen; there can be resentment that builds up because the values don't align.

 

It's good that you are sorting through your thoughts on this but I think you know your answer deep down and as much as it hurts you should let him go for both of your sakes. Money is the number one reason that couples split up so it's important to be on very similar pages about that. And as you smartly pointed out in the post above, it extends to how you see your household defined--with him as the leader. He just doesn't sound like that's what he wants, nor do you. Good luck

[Gr8fuln2020]

huh? her freedom to stay home will fall on him to financially support her and the children and everything coming their way. She has the right to stay home alright but he has the right to say he won't pay for it.

 

It simply comes down to priorities and values. I live in a part of the country where it is common to see SAHMs. It is cultural and frankly, it is very much a financial decision.

 

Just b/c the OP's bf will be making the bucks, head of the household, doesn't mean HE is willing to be the sole bread winner. I make good money and could support a SAHW, but have no desire to do so.

 

I find that in areas where there is a more traditional mindset and SAHMs, the divorced wives tend to be behind the ball in terms of education, professional opportunity/potential. Just saying....it behooves ladies to continue remaining relevant both in terms of education and marketability in the event things do not work out in the long term.

[clia]

Hi!

 

No. I am not a religious person. I am very spiritual.....

 

To answer your earlier question... yes, we both want to have kids. I would not be asking him to support the kids I already have.

 

If you plan to be a SAHM, then who will be supporting the kids you already have? I assume you have child support, but does your ex also support your desire to be a SAHM and is willing to pick up 100% of the expenses for your children?

[Gr8fuln2020]

If you plan to be a SAHM, then who will be supporting the kids you already have? I assume you have child support, but does your ex also support your desire to be a SAHM and is willing to pick up 100% of the expenses for your children?

 

Dang, somehow missed that she already had children. This definitely makes things complicated. No I am wondering why she wants to be a SAHM....values or is it something 'else?'

[LivingWaterPlease]

huh? her freedom to stay home will fall on him to financially support her and the children and everything coming their way. She has the right to stay home alright but he has the right to say he won't pay for it.

 

Yes, they both have rights. And you make a valid point from one perspective!

 

However, your post highlights the importance of perspective in this issue.

 

Many couples consider money brought into the home as belonging to both spouses. Thus, they make a joint decision on how their (not his money or her money) money's spent.

 

With that mindset it wouldn't be "his" money supporting her, it would be their money supporting the household.

 

This further demonstrates my earlier comment that the model of SAHM vs working mom involves an ideology that encompasses an umbrella including far more issues than merely who's working and who's not.

 

This is not to argue with your post because it seems to me it's quite valid given a certain perspective, but merely to point out that the issue the OP presents is far more complex than it seems at first glance and indeed warrants caution in continuing the relationship. Seems OP has figured that out but is an interesting discussion!

[noelle303]

Honestly, I think you already know the answer. If both of you are completely and definitely not willing to compromise on what kind of a lifestyle you want, then the relationship is not viable long term.

 

It's even surprising to me how you two got together considering you have such ideological differences. You think a man should be head of the household, he thinks partners should be equal. I'm guessing there are more things you disagree when it comes to fundamental beliefs.

 

For example, I can't imagine having even a second date with a person who tells me that a man should be making decisions in a marriage, I'd run so fast he'd only see a cloud of dust behind me.

 

Now, you could theoretically see where things go and whether you two could work out, but if you truly desire to get married one day again and have more children, you are risking wasting a lot of time with this man with whom there's a great chance that you're incompatible.

[Gaeta]

Someone asked a very pertinent question, sorry I cannot locate the post, but the member asked if you wish to stay home till the children are in school or you wish to stay at home till they reach adulthood?