A last chance to salvage respect..

[1fish2fish]

It's just a breadcrumb, and it sucks.

 

She's lonely. That's all. Nothing good will come out of you responding to her text or reaching out in general.

 

You have finally found your self respect. You've worked so hard to find it, please don't lose it now.

 

These feelings of longing will pass eventually.

 

Hang in there!

 

*Edited to add: I'm in a similar boat as you. My ex sent me an email 2 weeks ago saying that he REALLY wants to be friends with me. REALLY, REALLY BAD! Because apparently I "singlehandedly changed his life." He also wanted to meet later that week.

 

I didn't respond. It made me sad reading it, but I had already told him good bye and never to contact me again.

 

There was no acknowledgement of the pain he put me through with his alcohol fueled rages...and his cowardly way of blame shifting and dumping me.

 

He's just lonely. And words mean sh*t.

Edited September 13, 2017 by 1fish2fish
Adding more

[Growing_Changing]

Thank you 1fish2fish, I read this days ago, sorry for no reply but I certainly took your advice and i've been quiet..You really helped by telling me to hang in. I am pushing through it. Hearing your story helps too, are you doing well with no contact? Breadcrumbs really mess with me.. I have an update as of last night again..

She sent me

"Hi."

three minutes later she said,

"**** sorry sorry sorry."

 

I wish she would actually send something of meaning.. Does anyone have insight on why she chooses these short ,"Hi" messages. She played it off as a mistake. Every time I get a text and I don't reply I feel sad for while but I'm trying to focus on my goal of getting over everything before I speak with her.. I do feel better, right now, not so much..

 

I found her sunglasses.. Sometimes I think about sending a picture of them to her when i'm feeling stable and asking how I could get them back to her.. Try and make it light hearted and funny.. I dunno. Thanks again..

Edited September 18, 2017 by Growing_Changing

[1fish2fish]

She's trying to alleviate her guilt. If you were to respond to her, you'd be giving her all your power again - the power to hurt you.

 

By responding to her, you are opening the door to communication again which will tell her that you're okay with how she treated you and how she handled the break up.

[Growing_Changing]

She's trying to alleviate her guilt. If you were to respond to her, you'd be giving her all your power again - the power to hurt you.

 

By responding to her, you are opening the door to communication again which will tell her that you're okay with how she treated you and how she handled the break up.

 

You're right!! I have to remember that.. It may feel good for a second but that would pass right after she responds... No telling what she might say but I'm willing to bet its just fishing for me to crack.. I almost did. Thank you 1fish2fish, seriously!

[CamelBoy]

The fact you were able to not reply..and then say its been over a month since she had messaged just seems incredible to me. Good job.

 

I'm 24 hours into NC myself. Was not replying to any breadcrumbs a decision you made from the start, or something you started to think about after X amount of time?

 

Thats proof that time does help things I suppose

[Growing_Changing]

The fact you were able to not reply..and then say its been over a month since she had messaged just seems incredible to me. Good job.

 

I'm 24 hours into NC myself. Was not replying to any breadcrumbs a decision you made from the start, or something you started to think about after X amount of time?

 

Thats proof that time does help things I suppose

 

Hey CamelBoy, No contact was the last thing I had friend, the decision was made after talking to all the amazing people on this thread. If you go back you'll see it was a struggle.. Luckily I had these people to push me forward. I'm here if it ever gets hard, and it will. It's important to remember no matter what is said, only time can help build your self respect back. The person that you're not with now loved that aspect about you anyways.. Its a win win, its just really hard when you have bad days..

This last one she sent me has been one of the worst.. Yesterday I had seen pictures of her on my computer and I stomached the pain to see if I could bare seeing her face after months... Then she texted me that night.. Super hard. Treat No contact like quitting a drug.

[1fish2fish]

The fact you were able to not reply..and then say its been over a month since she had messaged just seems incredible to me. Good job.

 

I'm 24 hours into NC myself. Was not replying to any breadcrumbs a decision you made from the start, or something you started to think about after X amount of time?

 

Thats proof that time does help things I suppose

 

 

All you need to do is to take some time and read through some of the threads here where dumpees responded to breadcrumbs and find just 1 example where it helped the dumpee move on quicker.

[CamelBoy]

Hey CamelBoy, No contact was the last thing I had friend, the decision was made after talking to all the amazing people on this thread. If you go back you'll see it was a struggle.. Luckily I had these people to push me forward. I'm here if it ever gets hard, and it will. It's important to remember no matter what is said, only time can help build your self respect back. The person that you're not with now loved that aspect about you anyways.. Its a win win, its just really hard when you have bad days..

This last one she sent me has been one of the worst.. Yesterday I had seen pictures of her on my computer and I stomached the pain to see if I could bare seeing her face after months... Then she texted me that night.. Super hard. Treat No contact like quitting a drug.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

My one is only someone I dated 2 months, so not as tough as yours. However, I finished a 4 year relationship earlier in the year and found that quite a breeze.. we both did. Maybe that shows a lot about how the circumstances can be what bring us down?

 

Anyway I just wanted to say that I really do admire what you've done... just making it to 2 days seems like I've already done enough 'No contact'.. and so to see what you have done is quite inspiring. So if you even feel a weak moment, just know theres people in the earlier stages of this process admiring exactly what you have done and how it would be a shame to un-do all that effort and pain you have been through.

[Growing_Changing]

I'm Freaking out randomly

I'm suddenly extremely tore up over her, Please help..I sound like a broken record.. It hurts so much that I wont be talking to her again.. I just wish she'd change her mind.

 

I just moved into a new home, i've made my presence on my social medias alive again, I workout all the time and I constantly remind myself of what I learned from everything thats happened.. But what happens when I slip a little? I didn't workout for two days due to poor planning and the house move and now everything caught up to me.. I feel so lonely and sad since last night.

 

When I went to pick up my things I never opened some of the bags she had left out until I moved in two days ago.. In the bottom of one she had put the picture frames and pictures I got her for christmas.. She discarded me so hard and all I can think about is "how the hell did this happen, we loved each other so much, what the hell can I do?!" She did this before I went no contact and after she told me over the phone she no longer loved me.

 

I'm venting on here because I have no one else to vent.. I feel so empty, I miss her so much.. damn it people, healing really isn't linear.

[1fish2fish]

(((hugs!))) I am so sorry you're in so much pain.

 

I'm sure that was a pathetic attempt on her part to garner a reaction out of you since you didn't respond to her breadcrumbs. It's really sad that she chose such a hurtful way to do that.

 

I have no advice for an easy fix to your pain - only know that you're not alone.

 

Keep doing what you're doing to distract yourself but also let yourself feel the pain. The only way out is through. You've been here before and survived, and you can do it again.

 

I wish time would hurry up. Hang in there, my friend.

[amazonrambo]

Wow, I really like that. Thank you for your advice.

 

Last night I got a text from her friend, reiterating "She has some of your things" things I need to pick up. I blocked the friend.

I will not be going back to get one cord or a couple paint brushes.. It seems so petty, she knows i'm not responding for a reason, one cord and some paint brushes are the last thing I care about..

 

My ex paid me back £250 for my part of the flight for the holiday we was supposed to go on next month. She knew too well that it was £275, but I'm not chasing £25.

 

In your situation you can just rebuy that cord and paint brushes very cheaply. You can't rebuy that respect you're getting from her again though, so make your choice wisely.

[Growing_Changing]

(((hugs!))) I am so sorry you're in so much pain.

 

I'm sure that was a pathetic attempt on her part to garner a reaction out of you since you didn't respond to her breadcrumbs. It's really sad that she chose such a hurtful way to do that.

 

I have no advice for an easy fix to your pain - only know that you're not alone.

 

Keep doing what you're doing to distract yourself but also let yourself feel the pain. The only way out is through. You've been here before and survived, and you can do it again.

 

I wish time would hurry up. Hang in there, my friend.

 

Thank you 1fish2fish, seriously thank you for responding.. She doesn't love me and sometimes that fact just demolishes me if i'm not completely on my grind..

 

Will she ever miss me again months from now? Will there be a moment where she sees me in that light again? Am I a catch? I don't feel it right now.. Does no contact even work that way?

 

I have these questions that i'm worried will never be answered.. Like you said.. I'm not alone. I just wish something romantic would happen and all this would come full circle.. All not worth it.

How are you holding up with your situation? Thank you so much.. I'm ready to see the light and know it was for the better..

[1fish2fish]

That's been my mantra recently - "He doesn't love me." He misses me, yes. He misses the benefits of being with me (and there were many! I did soooo much for him because I wanted to), he misses someone to hang with, but...he doesn't love me. At least, not in the way I need to be loved.

 

Nothing will ever change unless he gets sober. At 47 yo, the odds are against it especially since he's proud of the fact that he's a high functioning alcoholic.

 

3 weeks after I ran into him while cycling, he emailed me again. This time, a picture of him and a couple of friends from his Navy days. No text, just a picture. I know he's trying to get some sort of response from me which will open the door to communication (in his mind). I deleted it.

 

It's been 5 months, and I still think about him daily. There's no emotion attached now to thinking about him, but I still hate that he's taking up headspace. I'm doing my best to keep busy and hang out with girlfriends, but I've been sick and stuck at home alone for nearly 2 weeks so the self pity is strong. lol

 

I've been thinking a lot about validation, and why I needed it so badly from someone as emotionally unavailable as my ex was. I have a lot to work on in myself, and now that I'm in my 50's, it's kinda now or never time.

 

Anyway, remind yourself of how little respect she had for you and how if you DID respond and reach out, it would only validate HER and give her power to hurt you...again. You are worth so much more.

[Growing_Changing]

That's been my mantra recently - "He doesn't love me." He misses me, yes. He misses the benefits of being with me (and there were many! I did soooo much for him because I wanted to), he misses someone to hang with, but...he doesn't love me. At least, not in the way I need to be loved.

 

Nothing will ever change unless he gets sober. At 47 yo, the odds are against it especially since he's proud of the fact that he's a high functioning alcoholic.

 

3 weeks after I ran into him while cycling, he emailed me again. This time, a picture of him and a couple of friends from his Navy days. No text, just a picture. I know he's trying to get some sort of response from me which will open the door to communication (in his mind). I deleted it.

 

It's been 5 months, and I still think about him daily. There's no emotion attached now to thinking about him, but I still hate that he's taking up headspace. I'm doing my best to keep busy and hang out with girlfriends, but I've been sick and stuck at home alone for nearly 2 weeks so the self pity is strong. lol

 

I've been thinking a lot about validation, and why I needed it so badly from someone as emotionally unavailable as my ex was. I have a lot to work on in myself, and now that I'm in my 50's, it's kinda now or never time.

 

Anyway, remind yourself of how little respect she had for you and how if you DID respond and reach out, it would only validate HER and give her power to hurt you...again. You are worth so much more.

 

 

Wow, Thats really tough. Being sick can really affect your psyche when trying to keep your mind off of something. Its good to reflect though right? From your responses and your discipline to keep him away for now, You deserve a strong connection with equal parts respect and love. Its probably a good call in deleting it. I bet with another 5 months it'll be dust in the wind.. Sometimes that part hurts just as bad though, I don't want each other to forget the love and close the door completely.. Even if it happens naturally. By the way its not now or never for you, you're only as old as you perceive yourself to be. Think about not being sick! I read an amazing quote that i'm not sure where I saw it but I'll leave it here,"Rest in the knowledge that while you're learning love's lessons in preparation for your future mate, he is being prepared for you too."

 

 

You really have helped me so much, thank you for the kind words and mentioning I'm worth more.. It brings it full circle for me. Whatever happens, I have to move on with my life and she can't be in the picture right now. If anything is to happen in the future, long from now, I will have to be over it and happy with myself anyways. I miss her though, I wish she'd change her mind.

[Growing_Changing]

I made so many mistakes..I'm not sure if anyone will see this but so much has happened, long story short.. I was seeing her again for a while, I called it off, as soon as she realized she had me again, she lost all interest.. I made plans with her one night as she was going out to the bars, she told me around 10 that she was going to uber to me and we flirted a little. She completely disappeared and didn't reply back to me until 3am, the night was the worst, I woke up the next morning and called her, I was mad. I told her my interest level had gone back to zero because she ditched me, I wished her the best and told her to never speak to me again...This time I didn't cry or anything, the conversation lasted less than 4 minutes. Her reaction was cold as if she didn't care..She only said, "okay".

I want to believe she cared and misses me now but I haven't heard from her.. (even though I was the one to tell her to go away).. Its been a month since then and today, I regret saying 'ever', I miss her... I hate that I'm not wanting to move on and I wish I didn't care about seeing a text from her.

If anyone sees this, any advice on getting through this would help, or just someone tell me to not text her... I feel weak and its my fault.

Edited January 3, 2018 by Growing_Changing

[dumbass2]

Just read back through this thread and all the advice that you were given. It will be the same.

[Zahara]

I want to believe she cared and misses me now but I haven't heard from her.. (even though I was the one to tell her to go away).. Its been a month since then and today, I regret saying 'ever', I miss her... I hate that I'm not wanting to move on and I wish I didn't care about seeing a text from her.

If anyone sees this, any advice on getting through this would help, or just someone tell me to not text her... I feel weak and its my fault.

 

Yes, she may have cared at some point during your relationship but she's been very clear that she really does not anymore. The latter is something you need to embrace and accept because her behavior was consistent in showing you that she does not value you or the relationship anymore.

 

Yes, you told her to go away. The fact is, she was more than happy to be away from you except use you when she needed.

 

It's normal to feel weak but that does not justify reaching out to what hurts you. You have to find better ways to manage rather than give in to those difficult emotions. Start writing down all the negatives. Express your pain on paper when she treated you badly. When you start feeling weak, read your words. It will be a reminder as to what your reality is and what pain contact will entail and will help you stop reacting from being driven by your emotions.

[frigginlost]

I made so many mistakes..I'm not sure if anyone will see this but so much has happened, long story short.. I was seeing her again for a while, I called it off, as soon as she realized she had me again, she lost all interest.. I made plans with her one night as she was going out to the bars, she told me around 10 that she was going to uber to me and we flirted a little. She completely disappeared and didn't reply back to me until 3am, the night was the worst, I woke up the next morning and called her, I was mad. I told her my interest level had gone back to zero because she ditched me, I wished her the best and told her to never speak to me again...This time I didn't cry or anything, the conversation lasted less than 4 minutes. Her reaction was cold as if she didn't care..She only said, "okay".

I want to believe she cared and misses me now but I haven't heard from her.. (even though I was the one to tell her to go away).. Its been a month since then and today, I regret saying 'ever', I miss her... I hate that I'm not wanting to move on and I wish I didn't care about seeing a text from her.

If anyone sees this, any advice on getting through this would help, or just someone tell me to not text her... I feel weak and its my fault.

 

1st -- I'm not gonna say anything to even remotely tell you that what you did was wrong. Buddy, every single one of us has done it. Welcome!

 

2nd -- You got a big ol' plate of reality of how some people can be, served up to you. Sucks right? Hurts right?

 

3rd -- What are you going to do about it?

 

You're going to go back to page 1 and re-read this thread and you're going to start shoving her BS right back down her throat. How? By remaining silent.

 

And then, when she comes sniffing around again (and she will) you're gonna take her nose and rub it into the pile of sh*t she made of your relationship. How? By remaining silent.

 

She's then going to test you. Hard.

 

And you will have learned by then that she is dead within you, and your new gal is everything to you.

 

Ride the waves my friend...

Edited January 3, 2018 by frigginlost

[MoonPetals]

Growing Changes, i made this profile just to be able to reply to you (long time lurker on the platform).

Think about what you want from this former relationship.

You wanted to be happy, but it wasn't possible- first off, because she said she doesn't love you anymore, etc.

Secondly, because throughout your struggles, you realized she is flaky and not to be taken seriously.

Third, even through your no contact period- when she was the one who basically wanted you guys to stop seeing each other, she wanted you not to talk to her but "hate her" if it made you "feel better", she STILL threw little crumbs at you, basically poking you into replying and thus validating her sens of self-importance.

She most likely is a flaky, immature person to whom you are "the ex" who she thinks she can always "go back to" for validation, when lonely etc.

This isn't love, this is definitely not caring about someone, and it truly is highly disrespectful to you on various levels- as a person, as a man, as a former lover.

It isn't ok that you agreed to see her again, that you caved in and decided to give it another try. But we all make mistakes and have setbacks. It is ok, as long as you recognize it and understand that this type of behavior is unacceptable.

Now, it seems like her fun and bar hopping or partying mean more to her than keeping plans and her word to someone she shared so much with. She isn't someone you will ever be happy with (unless she "changes", but she won't, and you really don't want to be in the business of changing someone), therefore i think you already have the answer.

The fact that you can now see that she will never be the person for you to be happy with can work as your stepping stone in this sense. Just relieve yourself of her.

You don't have to measure and quantify your emotional vectors now- how much you miss her, what's the possibility that this or that will happen.

Just cut this person from your life, as she is obviously not a good influence for you and the two of you are on different pages when it comes to what you are looking for in a relationship.

Sorry if I'm being blunt or too harsh but this girl doesn't respect you. Maybe in a bit she will come up with a half arsed excuse to explain her behavior- she drank, her friend met someone who was celebrating their birthday etc. Don't pick up the phone,don't read the messages.

Block her number and her social media profiles. This is someone who thinks she can thrifle with your emotions at her own convenience and this is a really non-negotiable problem in my view.

Stop thinking about her as this wonderful person who made you happy. Yes you had good times but deep down she has shown selfishness and downright cruelty towards you. You dont need to drink a whole gallon of bitterness for the elusive promise of a teaspoon of honey....just don't. There are many other beehives out there.

It is hard and difficult but don't beat yourself up too much. Things happen, we all make mistakes.

Just cut her off completely and think of her as someone who is utterly undeserving, in any possible way.

Stay strong, we are here to support you.

[lolablue17]

I wish I've read this thread long ago, so I could explain her motives. Most of us are influenced by minor things, the same as the majors. Timing is one of them.

 

She broke up with you \ she didn't want you \ didn't care \ didn't love you anymore - All these went great for her because she had 100% control of the situation. She had you soft and weak, wrapped around her finger, boosting her ego with your begging.

 

You underestimate the moment you took your thing without notifying her. This is the moment she lost full control. She had a plan - you're coming with red tearing eyes, she's smiling, wishing you the best, hugging you for goodbye and by that proving herself how great and compassion she is, AND BOOM!! You didn't play your role in this scenario that was written for her sake.

 

You dared to disobey. You just took your things. The minute she lost control, she wanted to get back the control she had, and later on she became obssessed with it. She didn't want you a t all. She wanted control. By showing her that you do not cooperate, your value had increased by 1000%.

 

When you got back together, her mission was completed. She got control, so she had no longer any use of you. You became Meaningless, useless.

 

When a girl has an unfinished business with you, this hole inside her, this need to get back in control is so strong, so it can last years and years, until she dies.

 

You wanted her to miss you, and to regret the breakup. By keeping NC, You had it all. She missed you and regreted the breakup (because of the wrong reason, buy what would you care). You had it all and now you lost it.

 

Don't take it too seriously. You had control and you were robbed. It hurts. In this battle of control she is the winner because she had more patient. But remember - It's not love or a relationship that you lost. It's only the "winner" title. It's gossip. It's a stupid game you didn't know you're participating in.

 

She's a player. She may not be the best player in town. A better player would have defeated an amateur like you in 2-3 days. a virtuoso could beat you in 2 hours.

 

It took you too long to dodge it, but you have dodged a bullet, my friend. This kind of a player could have made your life miserable for years. Now she will be another guy's problem. He takes the misery, you are free to meet a real girl, not a player. Use what you've learned to better distinguish between players, and good girls.

 

Good luck.

Edited January 4, 2018 by lolablue17

[Growing_Changing]

I don't even know where to start in thanking you all for the replies.. I mean.. you guys wrapped it up for me.. The fact you all read my story and took the time to write me. I never felt so much love, thank you all.

 

Zahara, I will write down the negative, I will right when i'm done typing this reply. Thats a great idea and i'll keep the document on my desktop so I can look at it when I feel weak, thank you.

 

Frigginlost, you have seriously brought me so much strength to drop this and never look back and you're still giving me quality advice on how to handle the problems I threw myself into. Thank you. You saying that she will eventually call gives me relief for a terrible reason... I will take my chance next time to keep my respect and truly never reply. I will block the number and high tail it for the hills. You have my word and its time I listen and ACT 100% accordingly to getting over her... Not waiting for a time to reply.

 

MoonPetals, the fact you made a profile to reply to me means so much... I mean.. Thats beautiful and your words will resonate in my actions from now. Really amazing advice, I truly think you're right about the entire scope of our respect. Thank you so much for the support.. She doesn't deserve the love I wanted to bring to the table and your words really helped. Thank you for being honest and not holding back. She's not going to change, and I want to feel at peace with that. Its time.

 

Lastly, Lolablue17, you really broke it down for me and it stings so damn bad.. I hurts, the truth hurts and I feel like i've been trying to find ways to justify with myself that I still can "win"... I dont want to win, she can have it, I never got in the relationship from the beginning to be fighting for respect.. I wanted something fluid, and naturally flowing. Your break down really helps me understand the thin ice I decided to walk on over and over. Thank you for the positive ending, I should look forward to the future guys.

 

I owe you all so much, I wont forget this, Love you guys and I'm going to walk into the future with this new information. It's time to see the light. THANK YOU.

[Growing_Changing]

Hey everyone,

I need advice, been a little tough regarding her lately but I know its because i'm not thrilled with myself. her birthday was two days ago, still with no contact. Anyways, she contacted my friend over Instagram claiming to have pretty important tax stuff, she mentioned how I asked her to not contact her to my friend. She said I had "blocked her off of everything", which is 100% not true. I just need advice... I have my W2, what else could it be? Should I ask my friend to tell her to mail it to me? I'm sad I left it off so blunt the last time we talked but I'm scared to break No contact because I'm obviously not ready to... It really feels as if shes completely over me, quite painful. I'm pretty wild in my headspace, Thanks to anyone that has a moment to reply-