A last chance to salvage respect..

[Growing_Changing]

Thanks you both, I'd rather not block her only because it feels so dramatic, I'd rather not have her block just in case of a true emergency.. In a way it makes me feel better, more importantly I think it shows my respect towards myself. I don't want to run from it, I just want to heal and know I did it without blocking or being mean. But thank you

 

Frigginlost, I feel that completely and thank you so much, you feel like a coach, i've been in a place where I need some sort of one and one advice.. I really hope with time she'll understand why I went quiet, once i'm over it all.. I have no idea how long that could take. Last thing, how long does no contact last? how will I know? Will it be up to me to say something months or years from now?

Edited August 14, 2017 by Growing_Changing

[1fish2fish]

No contact lasts until you have healed and are indifferent towards her. It could take months, years...or forever. It depends on your healing and YOU control that.

 

Okay, so what will happen should she reach out in an "emergency"? What kind of emergency would warrant her reaching out to you? Does she not have other friends and family to lean on? Wouldn't that throw you right back at square one again?

 

What's more dramatic is having your emotions fluctuate like a roller coaster every time she makes contact with you.

[Growing_Changing]

Hello, Frigginlost, Been, 1fish2fish and everyone that have helped so much recently,

I have to admit, the last couple days have been challenging mentally, going on a trip with some friends soon, to a city we both had memories in. I'm staying No contact no matter what, but sometimes it really does hit me that we wont talk again in the same way.. I know she wouldn't have anything to say that i'd particularly like to hear if I did break no contact, i'd just start over with more heart break..

 

I gained some respect but sometimes wonder what the chances are that she'll ever think twice about the decision she made.. Or if she'll ever realize maybe she does love me. I'm still upset she said she doesn't love me, she told me to hate her... I still feel like she loves me deep down. The text she sent me, because she felt guilty, I hope no contact works miracles everyone. I'm sick of feeling up and down. Just needed to vent, thanks.

[dumbass2]

I suggest blocking her for a while. Doesn't mean you have to forever, just until you're less emotional and in a better place to think logically and less with the heart. What's going to happen when you notice she is not texting you any more? You'll get anxious and may do something that will set you back. Take control now and block her contact for a few months. Just give it a little more time. It feels a lot better when you're in control.

[1fish2fish]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Even though you're going to a place where you guys have memories, going with friends will hopefully replace them with new ones. Be in the moment, and enjoy being with your friends.

 

Dwelling on what she's thinking and what she may or not feel about you isn't helping you heal. We all do it, and it does nothing but shift our focus from how WE feel and what WE think, which is really all that matters. So it's time for some mental discipline. That mind-body connection is true - what we think affects how we feel.

 

Whenever you find yourself thinking about her, force yourself to think about something else. Decide ahead of time what that something else is going to be so it can be automatic. There were days where I must have forced myself to do this hundreds of times in a 12 hour period. But just like anything else you exercise, you will get stronger and you'll be able to control your thoughts better and start to feel better.

 

You'll still have down days - healing isn't linear and emotions are like a roller coaster. But when you wake up depressed, remind yourself you've gotten through it before and it will pass.

 

Try and enjoy your trip!!

[preraph]

Just tell her, I don't hate you, but I need to move on and it will be easier if we don't communicate with each other.

[Growing_Changing]

Thank you dumbass2 (what a name, haha) 1fish2fish said thats the best idea right now. I think it may help, I just need to think about how capable I am at remaining silent.. I think i'm just lonely.

 

1fish2fish, That type of training is a really great tip, i'm going to try every time I think of her i'll drink a cup of water! Putting in my mind that I can stop thinking about her is a great start, I just need to believe it. I feel better from earlier, thank you.

[breadbin]

Great advice here lad. You know what you have to do but it's another thing to go against your own heart. I've been there. Family and friends are so important. Hang out with lads. You need to move on without her. It will be tough.

 

It actually feels good though to control yourself and not to be lead on by your emotions!

[breadbin]

A good sentence I found for this situation is.

 

I don't hate you for not loving me, I hate myself for loving you.

[Growing_Changing]

A good sentence I found for this situation is.

 

I don't hate you for not loving me, I hate myself for loving you.

 

Wow, I really like that. Thank you for your advice.

 

Last night I got a text from her friend, reiterating "She has some of your things" things I need to pick up. I blocked the friend.

I will not be going back to get one cord or a couple paint brushes.. It seems so petty, she knows i'm not responding for a reason, one cord and some paint brushes are the last thing I care about..

Edited August 18, 2017 by Growing_Changing

[1fish2fish]

Wow, I really like that. Thank you for your advice.

 

Last night I got a text from her friend, reiterating "She has some of your things" things I need to pick up. I blocked the friend.

I will not be going back to get one cord or a couple paint brushes.. It seems so petty, she knows i'm not responding for a reason, one cord and some paint brushes are the last thing I care about..

 

 

You are doing so well and have made a ton of progress. Good for you!

 

And I agree. It is petty. My ex reached out back in June asking if I was going to come get my stuff - hundreds of dollars of workout equipment. as much as I hate buying replacements, it wasn't worth it to engage with him.

[frigginlost]

Wow, I really like that. Thank you for your advice.

 

Last night I got a text from her friend, reiterating "She has some of your things" things I need to pick up. I blocked the friend.

I will not be going back to get one cord or a couple paint brushes.. It seems so petty, she knows i'm not responding for a reason, one cord and some paint brushes are the last thing I care about..

 

Indeed she does. Your strength within you has absolutely demolished the vision of "weak and meek" she had of you. You have put forth a man of strong character in full control of himself. This is not something she has seen from you.

 

Ironically, you have become more attractive because of your ability to shove the BS right back down her throat. All by remaining quiet.

 

Stellar, stellar work my friend. Great job!

 

You will still have big bouts of loneliness and pain which is all normal. When you do re-read this thread. You are not the same person that started it. You're growing...

 

Well done!

[Growing_Changing]

I don't know what I would do without you all, at a loss of words, such genuine people to take time everytime I post to write me. i've come to really respect myself again after all the advice. Most importantly I want to be happy again, for myself. I'm so thankful for you all and I really wish I could be actual real life friends haha-

 

1fish2fish, You think so? thank you, I'm leaving all of this in the past.. I hope you got new, BETTER workout equipment. I would really appreciate her giving my heart back! hahaaa..

 

Frigginlost, I have to say, your words really help me roll my shoulders back and realize I'm in my own skin. Not only did I appear weak to her, I was weak on the inside.. Going the route you said originally by dropping contact immediately has brought me some serious peace on the inside. I'll keep you updated and I hope this story starts to fizzle out, I hope I see the end of self pity and replace it with self confidence. She damaged my hull but I'll mend it all with a stronger metal this time. Thank you.

[1fish2fish]

So how was your weekend?

 

And what are your plans for this upcoming weekend?

 

I hope you've been letting yourself heal and have focused on yourself and not your ex.

[Lphan301]

I was exactly in your shoe last week. But unfortunately, I'm the girl who did the begging, crying, and non stop texting. I finally decided to do NC for 4 days now. We shared a home together that we are moving out. He said he will put my stuff in storage until I get on my feet again. Which will create an opportunity for us to crossed path again. Because the breakup is so fresh, I still want him back. We been together for 1.5 years and left me when I finally got my health condition diagnosed. But we were fighting a lot prior and he said he fell out of love with me. So if I go NC, will it work the same way if the girl was doing the begging?

[Growing_Changing]

I have an Update..

Its been about a month of my re-established No contact, she messaged a few times but I thought she was done after her text about the small cords I had left.

 

Two days ago suddenly She texted me she "Hey"

.. an hour later she sent,

"I miss you, Sorry I know I wont hear back but I do miss you"

It was closer to 1am on a Saturday, I think it may have been alcohol related.. I immediately felt a flood of emotion, Its been two days and I'm trying to calm myself down and rationalize whats going on. As soon as I read it I knew how hard it would be to maintain the no contact so I practiced as much discipline as I could, I tried to warn myself, "in a few days you're going to wish you replied" I'm glad I didn't, but I am certainly juggling those thoughts .. The no contact is helping me but it certainly got me thinking about her again. I remind myself that she told me she no longer loved me and that she said "If you need to hate me to move on, thats what you should do" ..if I hadn't of gone no contact she would have been fine. And now I feel angry in a way again.. Thats all she would send? She doesn't want me back, why would she send this to me.. Any help, friggin lost, or 1fish2fish would be greatly appreciated. I just need to make sense of my emotion to rationalize why I feel this way.. Telling someone you miss them is so deep and It felt good to read.. Cant help but feel it was just a ploy for a reply.. I just want to make sure i'm doing the right thing. I hope this will make things better in the long run, maybe even mend things in the far future? Thanks.

 

Before the last two days I had been doing great, the wedding weekend was amazing 1fish2fish and I kept a clean attitude, life was speeding again, still is friends.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Growing_Changing

[1fish2fish]

I know that was really tough not responding to that breadcrumb.

 

So...does she miss YOU? Or does she miss the benefits of being with you? Big difference.

 

Missing someone doesn't change anything. Nothing in the relationship has changed or will change. My ex said the same thing to me last month - that he missed me. He didn't own his sh*t in our toxic relationship because he has zero self awareness (and is an alcoholic)...but he's lonely. Oh, boo f*cking hoo.

 

My bet it's the same with your ex. She's lonely, she was probably drinking, and her doormat of an ex bf is no longer a doormat and now refuses to be her emotional tampon because he's found his self respect.

 

"I miss you" means nothing.

 

(And this is why I've said all along to block her on your phone. Are you ready now? Stay strong! This is but a speedbump, and you are doing great!!)

[Growing_Changing]

I know that was really tough not responding to that breadcrumb.

 

So...does she miss YOU? Or does she miss the benefits of being with you? Big difference.

 

Missing someone doesn't change anything. Nothing in the relationship has changed or will change. My ex said the same thing to me last month - that he missed me. He didn't own his sh*t in our toxic relationship because he has zero self awareness (and is an alcoholic)...but he's lonely. Oh, boo f*cking hoo.

 

My bet it's the same with your ex. She's lonely, she was probably drinking, and her doormat of an ex bf is no longer a doormat and now refuses to be her emotional tampon because he's found his self respect.

 

"I miss you" means nothing.

 

(And this is why I've said all along to block her on your phone. Are you ready now? Stay strong! This is but a speedbump, and you are doing great!!)

 

 

Thank you for this, I needed to read that. You're right, thanks for the insight and i'm going to push forward into no contact. I hope she'll see one day that she lost someone that truly cared for her.. I hope she sees the change I'm making for myself. She's was a great influence on me and I still have one grain of hope that one day, far far from now we'll see eye to eye again. batten down the hatches, here we go!

[bummer]

... and I still have one grain of hope that one day, far far from now we'll see eye to eye again. batten down the hatches, here we go!

 

Be careful. That grain of hope is a powerful virus of self-deception which can leave you locked in a perpetual limbo where you never let your heart open fully to someone new.

[Growing_Changing]

Be careful. That grain of hope is a powerful virus of self-deception which can leave you locked in a perpetual limbo where you never let your heart open fully to someone new.

 

Woah, you're right, I have to drive away and mean it, thats an unhealthy thought that should be adjacent with my actions.

[vickyp]

Leave this girl alone. Let her experience dating. You have no respect for her. Grow up.

[mikejensen3355]

No contact WILL work miracles. I was in a really, really terrible spot about 4 years ago after a hellacious breakup and yeah, I did the same thing with incredibly cringe-worthy things I said and the way I basically begged for her to come back. I won't even read the posts I made here 4 years ago because I'd probably want to punch myself in the face.

 

I thought even if the relationship was over, I would never be able to live my life without at least somehow finding a way to become friends.

 

No contact, even though it will be hard, is really everything it's cracked up to be. I read the posts here about how the pain becomes less severe, and the constant ruminating starts to fade, and I didn't believe it for a second because I was in a state of constant anxiety, depression, and rumination.

 

It's not going to go away tomorrow. Or the day after. Or probably in the next month. It's different for everyone, but for me, the process truly didn't start until 100% pure no-contact. And then it took a month or so to feel even a little better, and it incrementally started to change.

 

I honestly don't even remember a clear timeline on when I stopped ruminating or when things really started to feel great. It's not like it happens in the movies where one day someone just wakes up or meets someone else and it's all over. Some days are better than others.

 

There's a very small part, that even today, still hurts just a little bit. But it's way different. It's more of a quick fleeting pain that I'm able to just feel and then it's gone and I'm off and running with whatever else I'm doing.

 

Last summer, after almost 3 years of no contact, she texted me. The guy she left me for had physically and probably emotionally abused her, and she asked for my help. I put her in contact with organizations like Tubman that could help her out and listened to whatever she needed to get off her chest. This included apologies about how she was so sorry she had left me and it was a terrible decision.

 

And about that last part...I felt absolutely, 100%, nothing. Not even one small part of me wanted her back. But even more than that...I didn't even feel at all vindicated by it. I simply just didn't care about that stuff anymore. I helped her out the way I would help anyone out that's getting abused and hope that stops and she breaks up with him and moves on with her life. But that's all.

 

And I could have never imagined that the summer we broke up. It felt like my life was over. It wasn't, all the best was still yet to come. I just had to put in the time and will to move forward.

 

You're going to be OK if you do what's hard right now. You will move further past this than you can imagine or that you think is fathomable right now. It's actually possibly not even something you'll look back on and think it was something bad that happened to you. I'm more grateful for every day and the people in my life and everything I have than I had ever been before going through that.

 

Stay strong. Even if you're a pathetic, mopey piece of **** today the way I was at the time and don't want to do it for yourself now...do it for your future self. You will appreciate it one day when things start to get better.

Edited August 31, 2017 by mikejensen3355

[Growing_Changing]

Mike, that really helped, thank you.. I'm staying strong at no contact, It helps but it also comes with these waves of uncertainty. I appreciate you amping me up to stay strong, I will for that reason. Sometimes it hits me after a bad dream or after not being productive enough, I wont be in her future. It hurts, i'm sure many of you know this feeling. I hate it.

Today has been so hard, I just miss her. I had some weird hope that at one point she'd tell me she does love me.. It's a bad thought and i'm glad i'm realizing now.. She wont be telling me that ever. How do I stop these thoughts?

[Growing_Changing]

I don't know who will see this but I've been having some really rough days randomly.. Been having these bad thoughts on contacting her.. I know I can't but knowing she sent

"I miss you, I know you wont be responding but I do miss you."

Its been about a month since she sent that..

I sometimes wish I had said something.. or asked her on a dinner date.. I dunno I just want someone to talk some sense into me... Feeling lonely with my story.

[cope ascetic]

Coming out of a relationship is a huge adjustment chemicall. your brain has to get used to not having oxytocin or something. think of it like detoxing from a drug.