It IS finally over. But now what?

[Kjrrg]

The hope comes from after D Day, when we were in contact again for a couple of days. Said how she missed me, how she was only staying for the kids. I know her feelings for me haven't changed and mine haven't either which is why it is so mind ****ingly frustrating. How do I just give up when the person I feel so strongly for feels the same way? Seriously how.

 

He has information on all her accounts, he deleted her Twitter account, he monitors her...she makes me feel like she is just going to wait and smooth it over and after that we can restart. She said specifically that we can't see each other "right now". He is the one that was blocking me on Twitter before finally deactivating it. I asked point blank yesterday if she is done with me and if so I will leave her alone for good. No reply about our future this time except for "I can't talk. I am sorry. I'm sorry" What am I supposed to think other than waiting is the correct play...?

Edited May 12, 2017 by Kjrrg

[Kjrrg]

I will paste in most of what was said yesterday. This is after I sent her a note, telling her to check her forgotten about facebook. I deleted the facebook account and messages I sent her later that night after not getting a reply and reserving to move on. This is the morning after. Sorry for weird formatting. It indicates when one of us sent another message after the first. You can all finally see how pathetic I am when talking to her.

 

Her: Did you delete the FB acct and messages? I am not the only one that has access to all of my accounts.

 

*** MW has shared contact details with OM. ***

 

Me: I did. I felt bad about continuing to push and didn't want to get you in any more trouble if he did have access. I wasn't sure if it was him or you blocking me all over the place

 

Her: He has been going on my twitter acct and finally deactivated it

 

Me: **** I am really sorry for keeping after you and him seeing it.

I just didn't know how much access he had.

 

Her: He has access to everything pretty much. It's fine. I just didn't know if you deleted FB or he did. I don't go on FB much anymore I was waiting for him to question me about fb if it was "BS" that deleted it.

 

Me: So he just takes your phone whenever too? Or logs in elsewhere? Is he going to see this? I am very sorry

 

Her: He takes my phone, checks from his phone, computer.

 

Then more apologies about what happened at work when they told me to stay away from where she works, how it was her co-workers not her that said something to my boss.

 

Me: So. Yeah. I wanna keep talking to you but. I have no idea if you want to, when you can. Sorry for my lame note.

 

Her: Not lame. Getting it made me feel like high school. So that made me smile. But I cannot talk I am sorry. I'm sorry.

 

Me: I told him (the person I had deliver) it was high school haha. It's okay...maybe in time? Or is this it. If it is I can move on and leave you be. Don't wanna but. Don't want you in trouble

 

Me: I just wanted some sort of answer cuz it didn't feel finished

 

Her: Got to see your handwriting.

 

Me: I was trying so hard to keep it neat...

Also I did not want us to end on that ****ty last conversation we had where I was being emotional.

 

Her: I get it. I deserve it.

 

Me: Nah. Not entirely.

Just disappearing sucks but I did not think clearly enough about your sitch

Selfish of me

 

Her: I do. I told you that I would not bother you and that I would now become a ghost.

 

Me: Don't become a ghost. Please.

I understand if you can't talk for a loooong time but. I will be here!

 

Her: No. In your shoes I would be upset myself.

 

Then she made some jokes about how she's going to die and become an actual ghost.

 

Me: So are you gonna delete this chat when we are done? I don't know when you might have to stop. I don't want to keep messaging when you do and possibly get you in troubs

 

Her: Yes I will.

 

Me: I'll always be here waiting MW. Maybe in time when things cool down I can see your face again...maybe I'm just nuts. But talk to me when you can, even if you can't for days at a time...I'll be here!

 

And that was it. Other than accidentally calling her Skype with my fat finger, but she was offline at the time. I apologized, she said "no worries" and that was it. This morning when I got up I was removed from Skype once again.

 

So. This is the last conversation I have to go on with her. No straight answer. No leave me alone forever so we can both move on. How ****ing sad is the above convo by the way? Posting it in here I can see it, but at the same time don't feel like I can give up.

Edited May 12, 2017 by Kjrrg

[BTDT2012]

Stop wasting your time. She wants her marriage.

[anika99]

I know it's over the top Anika. But I can't stop how I feel. Isn't it possible that she will come back to me if I give it time? Am I truly insane over infatuation? We were together numerous times I figured infatuation would pass at that point...

 

Overtaxed I would love to but I just can't see it.

 

Feelings and thoughts usually go hand in hand. What you tell yourself has an impact on what you feel. If you tell yourself things like, I'll never get over this, I'll never want another woman, I'll never love again; then you are creating you're own miserable feelings. Most of us feel like we'll never find another when we can't be with the one we want, but are mature enough to know that romantic heartbreak is temporary.

 

Again real lasting love takes way longer than 2 months to create. Real lasting love comes from knowing everything there is to know about somebody, knowing all of their faults, seeing them at their very worst, dealing with their flaws and problems, some days not even liking them and yet choosing to them anyways. It's not just hot sex and long talks although those things are certainly part of the whole relationship.

 

So mostly I don't think you love her simply because you haven't spent enough time with her or know her well enough to call it love. I also don't think you love her because you show such an obvious lack of awareness of her situation. You never addresses where her kids fit into your imagined lives together. I guess in your fantasy they just cease to exist.

 

Her husband isn't doing anything she isn't choosing to let him do. He isn't running the show, she is. She is making a choice and you need to respect that.

[FoundMyStrength]

Nothing in the chat you pasted here makes me think she is ever planning to leave her husband for you. It does sound like she's hooked, may wait for things to die down, and may then resume. But let's be clear. She'll be resuming the affair. This is not a relationship. You are not dating. If she gets caught again, this pain you're feeling? That will be on repeat each and every time. And one day, when she's had enough of the affair and you and her husband's monitoring, she'll ghost you and never look back.

 

This DDay? This was her chance to leave. She didn't. She chose her husband. Don't expect that to change. As other have said, this is not some storybook romance. She will always be someone elses wife, and you will always be second.

[freengreen]

The hope comes from after D Day, when we were in contact again for a couple of days. Said how she missed me, how she was only staying for the kids. I know her feelings for me haven't changed and mine haven't either which is why it is so mind ****ingly frustrating. How do I just give up when the person I feel so strongly for feels the same way? Seriously how.

He has information on all her accounts, he deleted her Twitter account, he monitors her...she makes me feel like she is just going to wait and smooth it over and after that we can restart. She said specifically that we can't see each other "right now". He is the one that was blocking me on Twitter before finally deactivating it. I asked point blank yesterday if she is done with me and if so I will leave her alone for good. No reply about our future this time except for "I can't talk. I am sorry. I'm sorry" What am I supposed to think other than waiting is the correct play...?

Look, I also contacted MM after d day for 5-6 times in a span of 2 weeks however, I explained him why nothing is fair on what we were doing, asked him to live his life and we just part. Well, I thought he would have a weaning time, because he said 'beautiful' things to me too but.... wait for it......

......

.......

 

He seemed to moved on ages before I did, just like that.

 

I am sad to say that people sometimes say anything and everything. Crudely put, they lie. What she said wont matter a mustard seed until words match actions. She is waving a flag in front of your face that she chose marriage. Good for her. Wont you please make things good for you too?. Dont keep saying 'I cant' so many times, you willend up that way. Make that first heaviest step and put one foot before other... you can but ONLY if you are on your side.

 

Takecare .

Edited May 12, 2017 by freengreen

[Kjrrg]

I let her become my whole world after two months. I changed my life so much just so I could spend more time with her. I ignored every red flag. Now I am stuck impossibly on her. I am weak, pathetic, delusional. This I know. But I still want her back.

[FoundMyStrength]

Look, my affair with xMM also was brief and intense. In two months I was hooked on him, and had let key areas of my life lapse. I was so hooked I believed him when he said he loved me, when he future faked about what it would be like to live with each other, when he told me his uncertainties about his wife.

 

The intense nature of affairs does that. But IT'S NOT REAL. It's a fantasy. Free of daily obligations and annoyances like kids and cleaning, affairs are this magical little bubble where you can imagine you've met your soul mate. To the point where it seems like you can't live without them because the world just seems so gray.

 

Listen to us former OW/OMs. If you can pull yourself out and stay there, the bubble bursts. You can see it for what it is. A mess of an affair that hurt a ton of people. Yourself included. And you start seeing the MM/MW more clearly. They're not a perfect soul mate, they're just one more unhappy, selfish, avoidant person foolishly looking outside their marriage for happiness instead of actually working on their marriage like an adult.

 

You also realize that you as the OW/OM are being incredibly selfish too, prioritizing your own happiness above the incredible pain you are causing the spouse. The reason her husband is monitoring her us because he is hurt, destroyed, angry, and betrayed, and trying desperately to hold onto his wife and marriage.

[jenkins95]

How old are you?

 

I feel like I'm back in high school.

 

+1

 

I don't mean to be cruel kjrrg, but I can kind of see what aileD is saying.

 

I'm not trying to minimise your pain, I'm sure it's shattering. But it will pass, it really will. Come back here in 3 years (when you are probably hooked up with a great gf all of your own - I really hope so)... and you will cringe at every word you have written in utter disbelief.

 

Claim your life back. Even if you did get together, can you imagine how much destruction you will have caused and how complicated your life would be? Love doesn't always conquer all I'm afraid.

 

Keep posting, we are here for you. You deserve better than this!

[Kjrrg]

Apparently her H was texting with a couple of different women a few years ago. But he said this is different, he never told them he "loved them".

 

Still trying to make excuses I guess. I AM selfish. But she promised so much. And I fell for it all. I thought the fantasy was SO real. I still kinda do. Paaaa-thetic!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Always remember, people will find a way if they wish to have it. Look at yourself, you are trying every possible way to get her back. Look at her, she aint giving a shht. The one side of the see-saw wont come down unless you lift your arse up from the otherside. Its YOU who is bringing yourself down and lifting her up. Please will you stop doing that?.Like Overtaxed said, This is a game where winners are number one losers. You dont have to win or even play the game.

 

Great post! Excellent analogy! Two thumbs up.

Why am I trying so hard after someone who wont even give a damn about me- This was my epiphany ergo my panacea.

 

Great post! Excellent analogy! Two thumbs up.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

[quote=Kjrrg

She sucked me in and promised so many things. And now I am alone, and sobbing every day, and all I want to do is stop living. I mean, I don't have the guts to do anything to myself, but if I saw a car coming at me I don't think I would move out of the way.

 

This is the darkest timeline. I am a wreck and I will never recover.

 

I've been where you are. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Give in to the emotions and purge this $**t from your system. Every day is one day closer to recovery and getting back to feeling great again. Breath. Consider a counselor and/or support group to get you through the toughest days at the beginning. You can't see it now, but you WILL grow and become better and stronger from this experience. I learned a lot about myself, healed some trauma from childhood, and became wiser from my experience. It was tough, miserable, costly but invaluable. You will too. Hang in there. When you're going through hell, keep going! You can and will make it to sunny days again!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm going to say this in the most PC way possible. Your big head, absolutely, it's twisted and torn. The other one? Not so much. And actions really do have a way of changing thoughts, it happens all the time. I'm not saying this is the best, or only way to heal, I just know that sometimes a good romp with someone else will help take the sting out of your present situation much faster than ruminating on it. If you don't want to, I get that. But you can, I guarantee that, put an attractive woman in front of you, and you'll pretty quickly forget about "can't" and be right back in the game.

 

I was thinking about this recently. After much reflection, I've come up with the following. The reason why rebounds take away some of the sting is because they provide the validation the hurt person craves after the painful ending with someone they had on a pedestal. The rebounder feels cast off (invalidated) by the pedestal person, and is desperate to be validated. The desire for validation drives obsessions, and it's what makes chase breadcrumbs and hope we hear from the object of our desire. It's all about validation. Personally, I think it's healthier, but hella harder, to not rebound and dig deep on our inner issues about seeking validation from someone outside ourselves. I'm seriously working on the magic formula to 100% give myself validation regardless of people or situations. Hope this helps you OP. The validation piece was an eye opener in my own IC.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

The hope comes from after D Day, when we were in contact again for a couple of days. Said how she missed me, how she was only staying for the kids. I know her feelings for me haven't changed and mine haven't either which is why it is so mind ****ingly frustrating. How do I just give up when the person I feel so strongly for feels the same way? Seriously how.

 

He has information on all her accounts, he deleted her Twitter account, he monitors her...she makes me feel like she is just going to wait and smooth it over and after that we can restart. She said specifically that we can't see each other "right now". He is the one that was blocking me on Twitter before finally deactivating it. I asked point blank yesterday if she is done with me and if so I will leave her alone for good. No reply about our future this time except for "I can't talk. I am sorry. I'm sorry" What am I supposed to think other than waiting is the correct play...?

 

OP, I'm sorry for blowing up your thread with so many posts but...you know what I decided about my xMM when he would give me the same evasive bullcrap? He was just too chicken$h1t to give me the truth, face me about how he really feels, be accountable for his choices and actions. That's what your xMW is doing IMO. That's what I believe you're supposed to think. You asked her a point blank question, which well deserved a point blank answer, and she still was squirrelly when answering. You know what sorry means here? It means, "I'm sorry to disappoint you and act like an Ahole, but I have my own arse to save, you aren't part of the equation, and I'm too pathetically cowardly to face you with the truth. I can't face my H with the truth so I cheat instead. If I can't face my H with the truth, I definitely can't face you with it. It's all about me, me, me." I know you don't see her this way now, but you will once the fog lifts. Cheating is seriously one of the most cowardly, weak acts a human can do. After some time, ask yourself if you really want such a weak person as your partner.

[FoundMyStrength]

Yes, yes, yes. HadMe captures the dynamic perfectly here. My xMM was too weak and cowardly to say the words, "Now that I've moved back to my hometown and wife, I've decides to make her my focus and we should stop having any contact." Instead I was fed line after line of bullsh*t to keep me hooked just in case his big reconciliation plan failed. I had to end it, and it literally took all the strength I could muster (thus my name).

 

They are weak and cowardly, and they use us as backups. Distractions from their marriage, and soft landings should their marriages fail.

 

As HadMe says, they are cowards in their marriage, and they are cowards in their dealings with us. The fact is, telling the truth is hard. It might hurt her husband, it might hurt you. So she plays games. She keeps you on the hook. Its up to you to decide you've had enough of her games.

[Kjrrg]

Hey, don't apologize for posting too much! You are all wonderful people and I cannot thank you enough for helping me through this. Even when I fail and make myself look like an idiot you don't get on me TOO hard, which would be deserved of course.

 

I just have to stop thinking that my situation is special, and different. She went back to her husband, she isn't talking to me now...if she wanted me she knows she could easily have me. **** the problems that would have come with it, I didn't care. Maybe that was short-sighted but I did not forget about her kids. I was ready to step up and do anything for her...but I always wanted her to leave. And she never did. Even after the out. All of you are so right and I am slowly realizing it in my brain AND my heart this time, though I think it's going to take a loooong time and probably more failed attempts before I can purge. But I am going to try. I gotta stop crying like a baby at SOME point. But maybe just not tonight.

[freengreen]

OP, I'm sorry for blowing up your thread with so many posts but...you know what I decided about my xMM when he would give me the same evasive bullcrap? He was just too chicken$h1t to give me the truth, face me about how he really feels, be accountable for his choices and actions. That's what your xMW is doing IMO. That's what I believe you're supposed to think. You asked her a point blank question, which well deserved a point blank answer, and she still was squirrelly when answering. You know what sorry means here? It means, "I'm sorry to disappoint you and act like an Ahole, but I have my own arse to save, you aren't part of the equation, and I'm too pathetically cowardly to face you with the truth. I can't face my H with the truth so I cheat instead. If I can't face my H with the truth, I definitely can't face you with it. It's all about me, me, me." I know you don't see her this way now, but you will once the fog lifts. Cheating is seriously one of the most cowardly, weak acts a human can do. After some time, ask yourself if you really want such a weak person as your partner.

Chicken is the word *claps*. They just dont want to get beater up because they know that they dragged you deep and they dont want you savage.

[Kjrrg]

If anything, telling me the complete truth and to F off if that's what she wants would be way easier on me. As it stands I still feel like I'm in limbo. But I am trying so hard today to move on. I am still a miserable wreck.

[FoundMyStrength]

I'm glad you're trying to move on. From my experience, it's a long road full of ups and downs. Step forward, two steps back. But you just keep going, and one day you realize you don't think of that person as often.

 

She'll never be honest with you, because cheaters aren't the type of people who face the hard, difficult truths in life. If they did, they would have already fixed the issues in their marriage or left their spouse by then. Most cheaters just avoid the tough conversations.

 

As an example, my xMM, as soon as he returned home to his wife began replacing "I love you" with "I miss you" in all of his emails. So in all the usual spots where you might say ILY, he just subbed in IMY, even when it was stilted and awkward and weird sounding. I bring this up bc to me this represented the ultimate in self deception and inability to just be honest. He could have said that he was feeling guilty, that he was ready to end things, that he didn't want contact, that he had forgotten how much he loved his wife and couldn't stomach what he was doing. Instead he subbed in the word 'miss', made me feel like a worthless POS, and told me to keep emailing because it made him happy.

 

Point being, they do what's convenient for them, what makes them happy at any given moment. It made her happy to have an affair, it makes her happy that her husband isn't leaving her cheating *ss, it makes her happy you're still chasing her.

 

What you need to do now is do what will make YOU happy in the long term. Because she sure as h*ll isn't paying attention to that.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

If anything, telling me the complete truth and to F off if that's what she wants would be way easier on me. As it stands I still feel like I'm in limbo. But I am trying so hard today to move on. I am still a miserable wreck.

 

OP, in my case after xMM took our A underground (email almost 100%), I spent months wondering why he even bothered, did he still care about me, wouldn't he want to spend time in person together if he did, if he doesn't want me why doesn't he just say so, and on and on. The point is...it's all just torture. She's already told you all she's going to. It's the WW way...keeps you guessing and keeps you on the string with minimal effort on their part. Here's what YOU do: YOU DECIDE THE FACTS based on her actions, not words (as most anyone here will tell you). She doesn't care enough to demonstrate she wants you. She shows no concern for your emotional state or well being. It's up to you to do ALL the heavy lifting here. She's passive aggressive and won't be taking an active role in helping you either way. If she weren't, she wouldn't have had an affair in the first place. You must empower yourself in every way.

[spiderowl]

If she said nice things about wanting you and promising so much (as you said), then I can understand why you are feeling emotionally stuck. Part of you believes her; part of you knows her behaviour does not exactly fit with what she said. It's the emotional part that desperately wants to believe her that you are battling with at the moment.

 

It's really hard when someone says those loving things. They get under your skin and it is really hard to throw them off. The worst thing is that the person who said them does not need to mean them; the fact that they were willing to say it is half-convincing because no decent person would lie would they? Well, some do and some say what is convenient to get them what they want at the time. It's a bitter pill to swallow, especially when your heart has accepted it unconditionally. Unfortunately, people are full of contradictions.

[FoundMyStrength]

Following up on the last poster's comments, you have to listen to their actions even if you believe their "I love yous" are real. I believe my xMM really did love me. Enough to leave the security and stability of his home life? Enough to diminish his reputation? Hell no. Thats true for most of the MM and MW. Love does not conquer all. And especially not in affairs.

[Overtaxed]

Following up on the last poster's comments, you have to listen to their actions even if you believe their "I love yous" are real. I believe my xMM really did love me. Enough to leave the security and stability of his home life? Enough to diminish his reputation? Hell no. Thats true for most of the MM and MW. Love does not conquer all. And especially not in affairs.

 

Exactly. He loves me, but he loves his wife MORE. He loves his life with her MORE. He loves the time with his children MORE. He loves the security/stability MORE.

 

Because, here's the thing, if he didn't love those things MORE than he loves his OW, he would give them up to be with her. It's really that simple. It's not that hard to get a D, it's not that hard to walk away from a marriage. It's expensive (so, he might love money MORE), it's emotionally exhausting (so he might love his emotional stability MORE), it's painful to both people (so he might love himself or his wife MORE), but, end of the day, it's 100% available in every first world country, and, if he really loved you more, he'd do it. Not in a week. Not in a month. He'd do it today. Because, that's what you do when you really love someone, you move heaven and earth to be with them. And, compared to some real love stories, getting a D is like a speedbump. It's just not that big a deal to be with the person you truly love. I'd argue that it's far easier than going through an R with a wayward; you file the paperwork, pull your lives apart and never have to see the person again. An R, you need to live with that, every day, for the rest of your life. But people do it all the time (reconcile), because, they really do love their spouses, and they are willing to do "whatever it takes" to fix things.

 

If your AP won't walk away, it's showing you, in no uncertain terms where you rank compared to the H/W. The words mean NOTHING, cheaters lie, they lie to their spouses and they lie to their APs. Actions matter.

[Kjrrg]

It's true. If she wanted to be here right now, she would be. But then why after D Day did she act like she didn't even care that she got caught, that she missed me and was just biding her time until we could restart our A? Maybe she was still "addicted" and is now getting over it because I have barely heard from her since. It really is truly awful when someone enters your life and then leaves it completely​. Man I was doing okay yesterday but today I feel like **** all over again.

Edited May 14, 2017 by Kjrrg

[bluefeather]

Your sadness may be replaced by anger soon. Just giving you a heads up so that you know that it's normal when it comes.