It IS finally over. But now what?

[Kjrrg]

Her H isn't going to do anything to me. Mostly because I still plan on not contacting her.

 

The skype acct in question is a second one she only made to tell me we couldn't talk anymore. She doesn't use it, so I just want to know how/why I was re-added. She hasn't messaged me and hasn't been online since I got the request and like I said if she does message me, things need to have changed. I'm willing to hear her out but staying with her H = we can't talk and that's it. I am really trying to be pragmatic this time around.

 

Honestly I just think the request was an old one from that day, I don't know if it's possible but it seems too coincidental that I get a new phone and fresh Skype install and there it is. I didn't have a phone for about an hour, I highly doubt that is when she chose to request me.

[SummerDreams]

Do you realize that this story is finished and you need to move on? What she did or didn't do, say or not say, imply or not imply, it's over, done, finito. You need to wake up and see your life as it is, you are a young person with dreams and a future ahead of you. In 6 months all this will be a bad dream and you will be thanking God for saving you from such a miserable life you would have with this old lady, her H and her kids. Wake up. Your life is waiting for you. Forget about skype and LIVE.

[bluefeather]

I just want to know how/why I was re-added.

 

F*ck that. Stop wanting to know anything about her.

[freengreen]

Lets say she is ready to take you for a ride again... that is why she added you ( that is what you want to hear?)

 

The more important question: Are you ready for a re ride?

[Kjrrg]

Deleted her from Skype. Moving on and pretending that didn't happen. You are all correct.

[Kjrrg]

I started to read my thread from the beginning again. Got to page four before tapping out, for now. Forced myself to read the things I said as well, because I was really trying not to. Most of my posts make me cringe, some I can still relate to.

 

What is it now, almost 30 days NC? Still no Facebook peaks. Still no messages. The Skype thing from the other day never happened.

 

I am starting a new, 3rd shift job tonight. I have so much to rebuild in my life that sometimes it is overwhelming. Often times I still miss xmw as terribly as I did on day one, like I do today for instance. But I don't cry very often anymore. I even tried to, I listened to a few of our songs or songs that I had been listening to at the time of our A to take me back. I wanted to purge basically, but really I didn't. I couldn't. Teary eyed but not full on bawling. Cool, I guess.

 

I have been trying to step out of my comfort zone as well. I went to the bar alone a couple of times, something I would NEVER do before as I have horrible social anxiety. Or I did. I am trying to get over that and honestly xmw helped hugely with my self esteem, at the time of the A anyway, so I am trying to carry that over and I can thank her for that. I didn't talk to anybody when I went but I have a good feeling that I'll get there once I am comfortable at my new job and once I get my finances back in order. Consider these ventures test runs, I need to get a life.

 

Do I still have hope that I will know her again? I'm not sure. Once in a while yes. Once in a while I tell myself that I'll try to contact her on her birthday in a few months to see how that goes. But sometimes I tell myself that I am not going to do that, **** her, I am moving on. And then back again. You know how it goes.

 

Things are weird right now. My emotions are very up and down. But I suppose I should be grateful that there are actual up times now. Two months ago there were none. These days I can actually see a light at the end. Sometimes the darkness bleeds over but still, it isn't as bad as it used to be.

 

I think I am always going to miss her no matter what. Her smile, her laugh, her personality, our conversations. She is truly beautiful on the outside and in, despite her also being a lying cheating ******* (people can be good and bad okay) that ripped the heart out of my chest but regardless of what happens I hope she ends up being happy someday, if she isn't already.

 

I am always going to carry intense guilt over what I did to my ex gf for xmw as well, even though we get along great as friends now and she is moving on. I will not interfere with that despite being incredibly lonely and regretful about what I did. Because I DID have the love I was seeking with xmw, but it was with my ex gf and I took it for granted. And now it's over. I am truly alone after having taken a match to my life and turning it into a burning pile of ****. I don't know how successful I will be in rebuilding, but all I can do is try. Can't change the past, can't go back to how things were. All I can do is either lay down and die or move forward. Might as well give the second option a real shot.

 

I am sorry for bumping and rambling but I don't know how many more times I will be back here to do so because there isn't much more that any of you can tell me, I suppose. Everyone that has replied to my massive thread, that has tried to help me stop being an idiot and see the truth, thank you so much. You may or may not know how much you and your responses mean to me. Just the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

[BreakingWave]

I am so happy for you, Kjrrg. You have been through hell and seem to be coming out of it all so much healthier. You're an inspiration.

[Kjrrg]

Thank you BW, but I don't feel like an inspiration. Maybe for what NOT to do with your life.

[Kjrrg]

Just as my thread finally dropped to the second page, I have an update.

 

For the past few days I have had an intense urge to contact xMW. But I didn't. I swore I wouldn't. I told my therapist, and I asked her, "This is crazy, right? I should not do this". But she encouraged the idea. Then she said, "This is bad advice, I know". So...not sure what to think about her at the moment but that only strengthened the idea in my head that I should try. Because I am a flawed human being and no matter how good I have felt at times, I have still made mistakes in the recovery phase.

 

So I sent xMW a small message. Because I am weak. Nothing from her, but later on I heard from her H, again.

 

He proceeded to tell me all of the things that she said about me. It was a lot but the gist of it was insulting my physical appearance, that I wasn't attractive and that she was just lonely and I wore her down. That she knew there was nothing there, no future. She wanted him, not me, but thought he didn't love her anymore. That I couldn't "get it up". That I was rude to people at work and terrible at my job. She didn't love me, she loved the attention. She would never be with someone like me. That I am a creep and was obsessed with her. And on and on, there is more but you get the idea.

 

She came on to me in the first place. She literally said the words "I am obsessed with you" on more than one occasion. EVERYTHING she told him is a lie. Whether she actually IS disgusted by the thought of me now or not, who knows. But I know she only said these things to him to save her ass. Regardless, the complete assassination of my character by this woman who I thought was so sweet and perfect finally caused something to snap in my brain.

 

I don't believe in fate, that things happen for a reason etc. But this time I really do believe that my urge to contact her became so strong was so that this could finally happen. Because I finally, 100% no longer give a **** about her. In trying to hurt me, her H actually gave me the gift of freedom.

 

I could go and tell him all of the things that she said, and everything that we did, and even show him too. But I won't. Because he has a right to be furious. Because I AM a piece of **** for participating in this whole mess. And because despite all of this, I still do not hate her or wish her any harm. I understand why she said and did what she did.

 

But it truly is over now. The pining, wishing, hoping...it's all gone and I never thought it would be! It's such a relief I can't describe it.

 

I'm still going to be struggling with what happened to me over the past few months for a long time. I'm going to be alone and I'm going to be so careful in the future, possibly to a fault. This A really has been a life-changing experience. But I'm done with it now. It is over.

 

I know I'm probably going to be chided for contacting again, going back and forth and continually bumping this thread. But I wanted to be honest about what happened to me and the things that I did. If anything, it might help someone in the future to realize that engaging in an affair is THE WORST THING THAT YOU CAN EVER DO. DO NOT IGNORE THE RED FLAGS. PULL OVER AND STOP AT THEM AND THEN TURN AROUND AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

[SeenNotHeard]

Sounds like you had a swift reality check. You know she threw you completely under the bus with her BH. I hope it has provided you with the strength to move on now and you can find some much needed peace in your life OP.

 

Be on guard though, after 18 months mine came back 2 days ago apologizing and saying all the "right things" in his message. Quite a shock considering how we parted. My point is hopefully when or if she attempts contact with you, you will find your strength like I did not to engage. Best to you.

[Kjrrg]

Thanks, I will stay vigilant. If I had been told all of the things she said straight away this thread probably wouldn't exist.

[BreakingWave]

Kjrrg -

 

Thanks for the update. I am sorry that your feeling of closure had to come like this, but very glad to see you taking some power back. I am pulling for you.

 

That feeling of "was it ever real, or did she know what was going to happen all along?" is one we'll probably always carry. But you seem to be taking the first important steps toward the answer truly not mattering to you anymore, and I think that's positive.

 

BW

[whichwayisup]

EVERYTHING she told him is a lie

 

Just like everything she told you about her husband was a lie. She is where she wants to be.

 

Seems she wasn't as invested in the A was you were which is why she's able to detach and freeze you out so quickly. She's chosen her husband and you need to respect that and let her go.

 

Your therapist gave you REALLY BAD ADVICE, shame on him/her to encourage you to reach out.

 

Please focus on letting go and really grieving the loss. Let her go. I hope for your sake NC sticks this time. Right now you're feeling powerful and in control but what happens in a month or so when you start to miss her and get the urge to reach out? Really think about that.... If that urge comes on, post on here. Don't contact her again.

Edited July 15, 2017 by whichwayisup

[Kjrrg]

Thank you BW. I will be asking myself that question for a long time. I guess it is part of the next phase of my "recovery".

 

I won't reach out again, which way. Not after this. I have said it before in this thread that I'M DONE WITH THIS IT'S OVER NO MORE CONTACT but I always failed. This time I am 100% done. I can't pine over somebody who talks about me like that, trying to save her own ass or not.

 

I still miss what we had when it was GOOD (as good as an A can get) and I will continue to dwell on my own mistakes and just about everything else having to do with this situation, but I have no desire for any future contact. I am turned OFF and no longer seek to be with her. And that is what I wanted in the first place, a way to stop hoping, but couldn't find a way since I still thought that she "loved" me and that there was a chance. **** all of that. I am done!

[whichwayisup]

Thank you BW. I will be asking myself that question for a long time. I guess it is part of the next phase of my "recovery".

 

I won't reach out again, which way. Not after this. I have said it before in this thread that I'M DONE WITH THIS IT'S OVER NO MORE CONTACT but I always failed. This time I am 100% done. I can't pine over somebody who talks about me like that, trying to save her own ass or not.

 

I still miss what we had when it was GOOD (as good as an A can get) and I will continue to dwell on my own mistakes and just about everything else having to do with this situation, but I have no desire for any future contact. I am turned OFF and no longer seek to be with her. And that is what I wanted in the first place, a way to stop hoping, but couldn't find a way since I still thought that she "loved" me and that there was a chance. **** all of that. I am done!

 

Delete and block her on all social media and your phone. Make it impossible for her to ever contact you.

 

I'm holding your feet to the fire on this! I'll swat you with a rolled up magazine if you come back and post that you broke NC! :laugh:

[Kjrrg]

Haha please do. I only have one social media account. She doesn't have it, just fbook. I will never look at that page again.

[Kjrrg]

Hi. I'm sure some of you remember my previous thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/623380-finally-over

 

Editing this because I am embarrassed. Basically I am self-destructing still over a 2 month affair that has been over for 3 months. How the hell do you stop kicking yourself and move on? I just can't and it is ruining my life.

Edited August 5, 2017 by Kjrrg

[AriesDude]

Please don't go after married ladies again.

 

You see what kharma is doing to you right now. Imagine if she does come back to you, empty promises are made again and a year or so later you sit there again left behind for her kids and hubby or another man (yeah she will do to you what she did to her husband, trust me). Believe me the second time will kill you a lot more than what you are feeling right now.

How to move on? Don't know. There are awesome single women out there that are still wild in bed so don't give up hope. At least now you have a awesome date story when a girl asks you "where is the most daring place you had sex at?" lol

[FoundMyStrength]

Hi. I'm sure some of you remember my previous thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/623380-finally-over

 

Editing this because I am embarrassed. Basically I am self-destructing still over a 2 month affair that has been over for 3 months. How the hell do you stop kicking yourself and move on? I just can't and it is ruining my life.

 

Hi Kjrrg -- I did the same, as did many on this site, so don't beat yourself up too much about the long recovery from a brief affair. My take on it is that affairs are simply one of the most f*cked up things one can do to one's life. Even aside from the falling in love and becoming addicted to a completely unattainable person part, there's also:

 

-- waking up one day and realizing what a fool you were

-- having to wonder if the feelings you (or s/he) felt were real

-- confronting the moral failing of getting involved with a married person

-- needing to quit/switch jobs or not being able to return to the organization

-- letting down your family/friends, etc., once they find out what happened

-- even if they don't, the stress of keeping a secret for the rest of your life from your closest family/friends, etc.

-- the doubt/stress/anxiety of knowing there's someone that you care about deeply, but will never talk to again

-- knowing, deep down, that that person has likely already forgotten you because -- for them -- you were merely a distraction, not the main event

 

It's so much worse than a failed relationship or break-up. In my perspective, what happened to me was basically a life and identity crisis. And I just (a full year later) feel like I can say I'm healing from that. But it took me 6 months to feel stable, and another 6 to feel like I'm truly healing. And I've heard a lot of trajectories like that on here. Keep it up, be patient, and you'll get there too. And in the meantime, keep coming here. :-)

[freengreen]

8 month EA and after 11 months , I still have those days... its okay. There are so many people who took 1-2 yrs over a 5-6 month affairs. You dont rush recovery.

 

Although I sometimes think and feel what everything FMS mentioned, I know that if ( at all) he comes back, he wont be taken back. I feel better because now I have gained that strength.

 

Let the pain slide, dont put too much thinking or effort to encourage or stop it... do other things, eventually you will empty your pain pot and feel a deep content releif. Even after quite a healing,those episodes of pain are normal too.. let them come and go, roll your eyes and move on...

[SummerDreams]

You have to find someone or something to fill that void this MW left. I am afraid this void exists inside you though more than anywhere else. You seem like an insecure person and she was feeding you with false security in order for her to have fun. She was a monster and deep down you know it. She got advantage of your insecurities. You are not missing her, you are missing the person you were being with her. You need to work on yourself and get ready to put another person in your life who will see your flaws and love you regardless. This person is out there. Stop miserating and start looking.

[bluefeather]

Hope you're doing ok.

[Kjrrg]

I'm just doing. I have read all of your replies and you are right again. Yes this is karma, yes I was and am insecure. Don't know what to say anymore. I'm not even really living, just existing and sleeping way too much. I can't find the motivation to do much of anything. I am completely defeated.

[bluefeather]

I'm just doing. I have read all of your replies and you are right again. Yes this is karma, yes I was and am insecure. Don't know what to say anymore. I'm not even really living, just existing and sleeping way too much. I can't find the motivation to do much of anything. I am completely defeated.

 

Do you think you've learned something from this?

[Jemima1234]

I'm just doing. I have read all of your replies and you are right again. Yes this is karma, yes I was and am insecure. Don't know what to say anymore. I'm not even really living, just existing and sleeping way too much. I can't find the motivation to do much of anything. I am completely defeated.

 

Am so sorry for your pain. I feel for you. I have been there- seek help- counselling, meds whatever - then try and find joy in the little things in life. One day at a time