Possible infidelity with my best friend.

[whichwayisup]

Just throwing this out into the universe to get some differing opinions.

 

Married for 15 years. I'm a Brit and moved abroad to be with my wife. During the courtship she would visit me and as I was working I asked my friend to show her around and just hang which he did and they get on well. It became a running joke that he had a thing for her and then some time passed.

 

Years later I found out from FB that my best friend had got married. He'd been my best man so obviously I was shocked to find this out and although we didn't talk for a few years after when I later confronted him he told me it was because they didn't want my wife to be there. When asked why it was supposedly about an email argument that they'd had and let me tell you I saw the emails and it was NOTHING and certainly nothing reacting this way. It made me think that something bigger had gone on that I don't know about for not to invite me or my parents (with whom he was great friends) over such a trivial thing didn't sit right.

 

Move forward to present day. We're having a fight and she says that during the times she and my BF were hanging out he spent the entire time warning her about me and how I would be just using her and then she dropped a bombshell of sorts. Now she has a cruel tongue and has a habit of saying things just to get a reaction but this just hit me and has been on my mind ever since. Basically she said that HE would have been the better choice to marry. We have a child so I didn't get into any further as he was still in the house and I intend to continue the conversation but what do you, Internet stranger, make of all this?

 

Apologies for the wall of text and relaxed grammar.

 

There's more to this, listen to your gut. Your wife cheated on you with your so called best friend.

[deadsoul]

Some days I think if someone came in here and posted that his wife looked at a cheese sandwich funny people would insist that she'd had an affair with it.

 

That must've been one hot cheese sandwich... ;-)

P.S. You win the Internet today... this just made me LOL.

[QuietDan]

I'm thinking there is more to this. Something else has you looking online and posting on the infidelity topic thread. If your gut is telling you something is wrong.... So there are a bunch of incidental things that all by themselves doesn't mean anything, but when added up together is causing you to question what is really going on? Has something changed in your relationship over the last few years? What else is going on?

[Bobdobalina]

more to this than has been let on including the disgraceful quote of he would of made a better partner ,that would hurt like hell

maybe contact him and skirt around the edges of you know what went on and just want a bit of clarity

good luck

[Trtroles]

Your wife is cruel. Telling you he was better choice for her to marry is big.

She settled for you as a Plan B.

We can talk all day and night what happened between them but one thing is for sure,your wife lied to you for years,your whole marriage.

[lolablue17]

If my wife would have told me that onother man is was a better choice for her, I wouldn't have cared if she had cheated or not... I would have dumped her.

[elaine567]

Yes, it sounds cruel, but it all depends on the context of the argument and why she felt it necessary to lob that particular bomb into the arena or whether she actually meant it or not.

 

There is a world of a difference between being totally exasperated and saying "OMG if i had married him I wouldn't have to listen to all of this nonsense from you" and

"thisismyusername1, I need to tell you that HE was my first choice and that I only married you out of pity..."

[harrybrown]

Do you have to pay "cheese" support payments?

 

How much is that?

[harrybrown]

Some days I think if someone came in here and posted that his wife looked at a cheese sandwich funny people would insist that she'd had an affair with it.

 

My son's ex-wife told him she had a work party.

 

So he goes to check on the work party.

 

She and one male co-worker were the only ones there. She was sitting on her co-worker's lap. it was a public place, so they could not do much more.

 

But there were children and families around. She would only admit to what he saw. She "was trying to make him jealous". I helped him with his D. He ended up with her debts and she got my car. It has taken him years to try to recover. He is in his early thirties now. Still single. will he ever find happiness? She has remarried and has at least one kid.

 

Hope her new H is okay with her "dating" and ******* while she is married.

 

At least the b**** did not get pregnant and have him for child support, which she was hoping to do.

 

When they do this sh*t to your kids, it makes the anger more dangerous.

 

There is not the loss of self confidence that comes when your spouse does this to you.

 

I do hear that this is an "escape" from reality. And the WS thinks about the OM/OW while at home. Then the WS thinks about the OM/OW while with the affair partner.

 

If they do think about their spouse, they concentrate on the spouse's faults so that they can get relief from their guilt.

 

I read about this today in a study. Can't quote it, because I could be in violation of the rules.

 

I just hope that someday any unremorseful WS will have someone do this to them, so they can finally get a taste of their own medicene.

[Rose.1977]

I have no idea what happened, but with friends like this - who needs enemies....

 

Exactly.. what a friend..

[jenkins95]

Some days I think if someone came in here and posted that his wife looked at a cheese sandwich funny people would insist that she'd had an affair with it.

 

You've got me thinking here - my wife had a cheese sandwich yesterday and she said it was the best she's ever had. Time to install a VAR at my local deli.

 

 

..... sorry guys

[Try]

Some days I think if someone came in here and posted that his wife looked at a cheese sandwich funny people would insist that she'd had an affair with it.

Naysayer will always get a number of people to agree with them, right up until when they are proven wrong.

 

People do not come here unless their gut tells them that something more happened, and if they dig deeper are usually proven right. Most of the regular posters have noticed this, and post to encourage the OP to overcome their fear and to trust their gut. Provided that the OP does not stop posting (they often do this when they learn bad things), and tell us the outcome, I will say that should the OP investigate further, he will learn that his wife cheated on him either emotionally, physically, or both. If I am right, will you post to this thread to apologize to the posters that you just disparaged?

[Jersey born raised]

Did I mis-read that both BF and his wife jointly made the decision not to invite either you or your parents? I would be curious if his wife knew the reason(s) or just went along with his decision.

 

I question the character of BF wife. How well do you know her? Physical and emotional abuser always strive to isolate their spouse's from his/her friends and family.

[Try]

It became a running joke that he had a thing for her

I later confronted him he told me it was because they didn't want my wife to be there.

We're having a fight and she says that during the times she and my BF were hanging out he spent the entire time warning her about me and how I would be just using her

she said that HE would have been the better choice to marry.

Her not tell you that he was bad mouthing you as he tried to openly win her from you, is what is called a lie by omission, as they both worked to keep the true nature of their relationship a secret from you. Her saying that "HE would have been the better choice to marry" shows that she in fact had such a choice, which is not something she would have had if they had a strictly platonic relationship. The fact the "they" and not just "he" did not want her to be at their wedding shows that the other man's wife also did not your wife to come, which indicates that it was not due to an email argument between just your wife and the other man.

 

The above quotes all show that they were more than "just friends", and had at least an emotional affair (EA), which make your wife his ex. This better explains the real reason that they didn't want her to be at their wedding. An EA is cheating.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Try

[BTDT2012]

Or she was inappropriate with him, and he didn't know how to tell you.

[road]

Or she was inappropriate with him, and he didn't know how to tell you.

 

I don't read it that way. She stated I should married the OM, this

language which implies she had the opportunity.

 

As in his friend was after her and made his offer.

 

If it was inappropriate only on his WW's part then she

could not of made her statement that I should of married her OM.

[somanymistakes]

Naysayer will always get a number of people to agree with them, right up until when they are proven wrong.

 

People do not come here unless their gut tells them that something more happened, and if they dig deeper are usually proven right. Most of the regular posters have noticed this, and post to encourage the OP to overcome their fear and to trust their gut. Provided that the OP does not stop posting (they often do this when they learn bad things), and tell us the outcome, I will say that should the OP investigate further, he will learn that his wife cheated on him either emotionally, physically, or both. If I am right, will you post to this thread to apologize to the posters that you just disparaged?

 

No, because I haven't disparaged anyone IMO.

 

All I generally ask is that people not jump to conclusions too quickly, and actually look into it, rather than either sweeping it under the rug or immediately filing divorce papers. I tend to vote in favor of investigating.

 

Problem is, you can't prove a negative. You can prove that someone is cheating. You can never prove that they aren't. And since there's no proof point, threads that never find anything tend to just dwindle off quietly and get forgotten about.

 

People have good reasons for being suspicious, but you shouldn't mix up being suspicious and being certain.

 

(road's post)

I don't read it that way. She stated I should married the OM, this

language which implies she had the opportunity.

 

As in his friend was after her and made his offer.

 

Yeah that's why it sounded to me like he made an offer and she shot him down, choosing the OP instead. But it's a lot of extrapolation off a small saying. More info needed.

[knabe]

Naysayer will always get a number of people to agree with them, right up until when they are proven wrong.

 

People do not come here unless their gut tells them that something more happened, and if they dig deeper are usually proven right. Most of the regular posters have noticed this, and post to encourage the OP to overcome their fear and to trust their gut. Provided that the OP does not stop posting (they often do this when they learn bad things), and tell us the outcome, I will say that should the OP investigate further, he will learn that his wife cheated on him either emotionally, physically, or both. If I am right, will you post to this thread to apologize to the posters that you just disparaged?

 

It's a forum where all opinions are welcome. There is nothing for which to apologize.

[DKT3]

No, because I haven't disparaged anyone IMO.

 

All I generally ask is that people not jump to conclusions too quickly, and actually look into it, rather than either sweeping it under the rug or immediately filing divorce papers. I tend to vote in favor of investigating.

 

Problem is, you can't prove a negative. You can prove that someone is cheating. You can never prove that they aren't. And since there's no proof point, threads that never find anything tend to just dwindle off quietly and get forgotten about.

 

People have good reasons for being suspicious, but you shouldn't mix up being suspicious and being certain.

 

(road's post)

 

 

Yeah that's why it sounded to me like he made an offer and she shot him down, choosing the OP instead. But it's a lot of extrapolation off a small saying. More info needed.

 

Once you've been involved with cheating you can see the signs. A lot of times it's clear as day, and I will be yet to read one thread were someone came with a feeling of being betrayed to be proven false. On this site or any of the others I've viewed over the years.

 

One day you pull into your driveway and some kids are out front playing baseball, you walk in a find a broken window and a baseball on your coffee table. There is millions of ways that it could have happened..,.but clearly one is very obvious, all the signs are there and it is in fact the most likely scenario. No point in focusing on other possibilities when the true one is smacking you in the face.

[knabe]

Once you've been involved with cheating you can see the signs. A lot of times it's clear as day, and I will be yet to read one thread were someone came with a feeling of being betrayed to be proven false. On this site or any of the others I've viewed over the years.

 

One day you pull into your driveway and some kids are out front playing baseball, you walk in a find a broken window and a baseball on your coffee table. There is millions of ways that it could have happened..,.but clearly one is very obvious, all the signs are there and it is in fact the most likely scenario. No point in focusing on other possibilities when the true one is smacking you in the face.

 

I agree this analogy is pretty obvious. But what if your window is broken, and you see a kid with a baseball glove three days later? Are you going to assume he broke the window then?

[understand50]

As usual, we have little information that is being used to build very large theories. thisismyusername1,

 

Your wife may have been unfaithful, what you have given to really too weak to jump to that opinion, but yes it is a possibility.

 

Your wife may have just not gotten along with your "buddy" or shot him down, or many other things. His new wife could not liked you and what he told you was a way to get out of saying that. She just could be down on all hos "old" friends.

 

In other words you just do not, and we here do not know.

 

I think in a lager sense, you have issues you need to work on in your marriage, and I hope that this does not "pin" you, so you can not work on them. For myself, I would keep my eyes and ears open, and work on the here and now, before I rush off and see the lawyers.

 

I wish you luck......

[Chi townD]

This one is a little hard because, apparently this happened some years ago. (or so it seems). Therefore, the technologies they had then are probably new a updated. Therefore, text records are probably gone.

 

Do you know your friends wife?? Is this someone you can talk to for some clarity?

[IndigoNight]

I've been cheated on, a lot. My ex husband was a pro at it! I know the signs, and can usually spot them from a mile away. In this case all I can see clearly is a man hurt by his (supposed) friend, and having a fight with a wife with a forked tongue who intentionally hurt him. Cheating? Not so much. Lousy judge of character, maybe.

 

I think there are some hurt feelings regarding the OP and his, so called, friend. Understandably so, if he believed them to be close. Apparently, his friend thinks otherwise.

 

There are numerous reasons not to invite people to a wedding. There are just some people best left off the guest list, but no one wants to be rude and say "You are an embarrassment/unwelcome, and not invited!." Instead, the invitation just gets "lost in the mail" oops, so sorry. It was his friends wedding, and he could invite, or not invite, anyone of his choosing. He chose not to invite the OP. That was his right, whether it was hurtful or not.

 

People outgrow one another, and the OP even said they had not talked in years and he had no idea his friend had gotten married until after the fact. So, why ask OP to be the best man if they were not in contact at the time? Just because OP had his friend as his best man does not obligate his friend to have the OP as his.

 

As for any cheating: It is possible the wife and the OPs friend did questionable things when he was showing her around town. It is possible that the friend made a pass at her, and was rejected (or not). It is also possible that she wished he had made a pass, and didn't, so she still holds a grudge/or wishful fantasy after all these years (or not). Lots of things are possible, but finding out the truth 15 years later is not likely. Memories fade or change, and people will alter the truth to either save face, or cause pain, depending on what serves them best in the here and now.

 

What the OP does know is that his friend turned out to be a lousy friend, and his wife can say heartless things in a fight. So, should "did she cheat 15 years ago" be the main concern here? I think he would be better served to come to terms with what kind of friends he should keep in his life, and whether or not he is willing to tolerate the kind of verbal abuse his wife doles out in a fight.

 

JMO

[Maraud3r]

I agree this analogy is pretty obvious. But what if your window is broken, and you see a kid with a baseball glove three days later? Are you going to assume he broke the window then?

Depends, is there a baseball in my living room. Does the kid in question regularly play baseball close to my house on the side of the broken window. Did the kid stop playing there all of a sudden and now plays somewhere else entirely right after my window was broken. Did my window tell me the kid has a way better house than I and it should have been a window at his house instead?

 

Cheating is a bit like Schroedingers Cat. A spouse is both cheating and not cheating at the same time unless either is actually proven. However as evidence and small pieces fall into place and start mounting the entire situation tends to slowly tilt one way or another.

 

While we have people who assume a spouse is cheating, always. We also have just as many if not more people who will assume a spouse is not cheating till their partner catches them during the act i.e finding them balls deep/with their legs wrapped around the person they are cheating with. Which is just as ridiculous.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Thisismyusername, you have been given a variety of opinions and advice and if I was in your situation I guess I would have the same misgivings as you. You said you are British and you moved to be with your wife. Does that mean she is of a different nationality or was your move within Britain and therefore she, too, is British? The other point I had was that you hinted that your marriage is or in the pink of health and that your wife has a sharp tongue which she weaponizes when having arguments with her. You also mentioned that the last argument the two of you had where she dropped her latest bomb was while this so called friend was still in the house. Was he visiting you folks and if so, how so, after he had obviously ignored you for his wedding? I think Bailey got it right and put it beautifully in a few words. With friends like him you don't need enemies. With this background why are you still with your wife and not divorced? Some clarification on this would be helpful.

 

Also, I would suggest that if you are looking for answers as to whether your wife cheated all those many years ago try something out of the ordinary like using the services of a good, well established psychic. I know that for some people on here this will sound bizarre but people have used the services of psychics for various matters and this is one of them. Try a psychic like Sylvia Browne of the US. Hope this helps. Warm wishes.