Sexless marriage.. Thinking about cheating..

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Hi Blues, re your post above. You say you are a high sex and high affection guy and need plenty of both from your woman who should be, like you, high sex and high affection. Yet for twenty six years you stuck it out with a woman who was neither and did not meet your needs in these two departments. In fact you are in the process of divorcing her now only because she cheated on you, had an addiction problem which she his from you and lastly but most importantly, did not love you and never had. I find it difficult to reconcile your two positions on this matter but I'm sure you have a very valid reason for them. Warm wishes.

 

 

We all have reasons to stay or not stay in a marriage. BUT its not nice for you to shoot arrows and then say "Warm Wishes" as if to cloak your arrows with niceness. Completely uncalled for!

[knabe]

Hi Blues, re your post above. You say you are a high sex and high affection guy and need plenty of both from your woman who should be, like you, high sex and high affection. Yet for twenty six years you stuck it out with a woman who was neither and did not meet your needs in these two departments. In fact you are in the process of divorcing her now only because she cheated on you, had an addiction problem which she his from you and lastly but most importantly, did not love you and never had. I find it difficult to reconcile your two positions on this matter but I'm sure you have a very valid reason for them. Warm wishes.

 

 

I'll answer because I suspect my answer would be similar to blues.

 

First, yes, it is valid. And it would be valid whether it convinced anyone else or not.

 

When you see your own long term soul death from trying to keep a marriage together that was empty and starving you....once you get out of THAT marriage, you are darn sure you will NEVER go back to that kind of life again. Kind of like when a lifetime smoker almost dies from lung cancer, they frequently vow NEVER to smoke again. There's nothing to "reconcile." It's obvious. We learned the hard way and we aren't going to repeat it.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

I still don't find these things to be "needs." It is still just desires. Doesn't prevent living. Doesn't stop the ability to make a living to support well, living. It IS an important part of a relationship. Maybe I am just arguing semantics, but when we convince ourselves that we HAVE to have something, it seems some are willing to throw it all away to get it.

 

In the case of OP, sounds like it is possible his illnesses are making it hard from him to give these "desires". Do the vows we make mean nothing? Intimacy and sex is important to me.... however, of my husband were to get hit by a bus tomorrow and was unable to give me this, I won't be going outside of my marriage to "live."

 

 

Semantics aside, you have to look at what differentiates marriage and any other relationship. You remove the romantic/sexual/emotional connection and the marriage is just another relationship....A man can get a maid, a cook, take the clothes to the cleaners, get a driver to run errands, a nanny, etc....and hire and fire at will and no sin, no affair commences, but the second, one becomes emotionally connected, vulnerable to someone else or has a physical contact and suddenly there is break in vows, sin and heartbreak...

 

While the emotions, affection and sex may rank differently in the importance and frequency priority among couples, it is the distinctive difference between friends/partners/associates.

 

Yes, my friend of the stars, it IS a need. Without it, you might as well be their buddy at work.

Edited August 10, 2017 by Ray1201

[BluesPower]

Hi Blues, re your post above. You say you are a high sex and high affection guy and need plenty of both from your woman who should be, like you, high sex and high affection. Yet for twenty six years you stuck it out with a woman who was neither and did not meet your needs in these two departments. In fact you are in the process of divorcing her now only because she cheated on you, had an addiction problem which she his from you and lastly but most importantly, did not love you and never had. I find it difficult to reconcile your two positions on this matter but I'm sure you have a very valid reason for them. Warm wishes.

 

The only thing that my Ex and I did well... was have sex and have babies.

 

That was the only reason that we were able to say together and of course my deep love for her that she squandered.

 

And to clear up some of that, her affairs hurt but I was to young at the time and to stupid to divorce her then.

 

I believed all the Crap about honor, you don't get divorced, you take care of your wife and family no matter what. And I did just that. I was the sole bread winner, took care of her, raised 3 kids alone except for any days that she was sober.

 

Since her drug addiction was hidden, believe it or not, until about 3 years ago when I was able to figure out what was actually going on. Until that point, I just thought she had mental and emotional issues, which she did, but there was more going on.

 

It took me having a stroke and laying in the hospital bed until I had enough clarity to finally put 2 and 2 together. So then I had to deal with the fact that she had been lying to me and our children for 20 years of our 26 year marriage. And that was also like finding out about a 20 year "Affair" because it is the same behavior, the same lies, the same insane drama only you had no idea what was going on.

 

You are welcome to PM if you want more info...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Starswillshine, while the example you have given seems logical in it's own right the point is that there is a term used in connection with marriages known as 'conjugal rights'. People have gone to divorce court with the plea of 'Denial of conjugal rights' and have been granted a divorce on those grounds. Even Churches have recognized this as a reason to grant an annulment or divorce as the case may be. The fact is that denial of sex has been construed as a form of abuse and anyone who consciously or unwittingly denies sex to their partner is guilty of abuse.

 

I agree that one can live without sex but would anyone be happy with a half life? Sex is a very powerful drive, although people have varying degrees of it. That is why a person with high sex drive who is married to someone with a low sex drive is constantly dissatisfied. Sexual compatibility is important just as temperamental compatibility or compatibility of interests et al. If one is incapable of meeting the sexual needs of one's partner I think it would be incumbent on him/her to free their partner and let them find someone else who could meet those needs along with being compatible in other areas of their life. Marriage is not a punishment but a choice. The low sex/ asexual person if he/she so desires, should find a partner who is compatible with them in this department and marry them to lead a happy and contented life. If you ask a guy like Overtaxed I think he would agree with this point of view. Warm wishes.

[Starswillshine]

I think people are missing my point. We are potentially talking about someone who may be unable to have sex. We are not discussing someone who is just with holding. At least this so where I am coming from.

 

For you guys on here, if you became impotent, should your wife divorce you over it?

 

On the other hand, if sex is very painful for your wife due some illness or pregnancy, should you divorce her over it? Or worse cheat?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Blues, thanks for your response and clarifications. I guess I was wrong on the sex part. If she was able to give you enough of that I think she successfully duped you into sticking around. Warm wishes.

[nospam99]

I don't understand WHY someone who doesn't value physical intimacy would even GET married.

 

So while you are entitled to think sex is frivolous, you don't speak for everyone.

Not me, but I've known a LOT of people in this life. While I think most of those I know value physical intimacy .... however

 

Good old wikipedia notes: "Individuals may marry for several reasons, including legal, social, libidinal, emotional, financial, spiritual, and religious purposes." Unless my vocabulary is failing, the only "hit" on physical intimacy in that list is libidinal. One out of seven. And I'm still curious about the difference between sex and intimacy which the OP implied.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Stars, I did get your point of view. My counter to that was that if someone is not able to meet his/her partner's sexual needs because of illness or because of being incapacitated then he/she should free their partner rather than keep them locked up in a sexless marriage. I think that if one does not free the healthy partner then one is being selfish and creating grounds for the other to cheat. If you browse the experience project you will see any number of complaints by folks living in sexless marriages. It just shows how frustrated people get when their sexual needs are not being met. Sex is explosive and it needs to be addressed accordingly.

 

The other point here is that the OP has not been married very long. She is young and apparently within a year of her marriage the sex in her marriage dropped off. Her husband likely had all his medical problems at the time she was dating him. He camouflaged them so that a year into the marriage she was blindsided by her sexless status. I think there is every justification for her to divorce her husband especially if he has not been upfront with her at the time of their marriage. Warm wishes.

[wmacbride]

Hi Stars, I did get your point of view. My counter to that was that if someone is not able to meet his/her partner's sexual needs because of illness or because of being incapacitated then he/she should free their partner rather than keep them locked up in a sexless marriage. I think that if one does not free the healthy partner then one is being selfish and creating grounds for the other to cheat. If you browse the experience project you will see any number of complaints by folks living in sexless marriages. It just shows how frustrated people get when their sexual needs are not being met. Sex is explosive and it needs to be addressed accordingly.

 

The other point here is that the OP has not been married very long. She is young and apparently within a year of her marriage the sex in her marriage dropped off. Her husband likely had all his medical problems at the time she was dating him. He camouflaged them so that a year into the marriage she was blindsided by her sexless status. I think there is every justification for her to divorce her husband especially if he has not been upfront with her at the time of their marriage. Warm wishes.

 

Just a guy,

99 percent ( or more..you are an awesome poster:)) your advice is spot on, but this time, I don't agree as much.

 

It's not his responsibility to "set her free" if she is unhappy, it's hers to decide that and then to take steps to change it.

 

Why doe she have to be "set free"?

 

I am also really unhappy with the view that's being presented of AS on here. It's a severe form of rheumatoid arthritis ( to a point that, if medication doesn't help, people with it often end up in a wheelchair) that can also cause heart problems and in some cases, blindness, breathing problems ( it can fuse your spine, ribs, etc.)

 

I'm also wondering about the list of conditions he suddenly developed after they got married. He suddenly developed tourettes symdorne? how the heck is that even possible? You either have it or you don't. How could she not be aware of that when they got married, unless she barely knew him at all?

 

My guess is that there were signs of this well before they got married but they were young, in love and hoped that would carry them through, not the best choice, but it's really easy to see how it happened.

 

Now, nine years later, she's realizing love wasn't enough. If she wants to leave, fair enough, and she shouldn't feel bad about that. the thing is that as an adult, she should take control over her own happiness If she isn't happy, she should own that and divorce him. It doesn't make her a bad person, and if she stays out of guilt, she may well end up cheating and hurt him far worse than divorce ever could.

 

btw, what does the op mean by "intimacy" anyway? Sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy or both?

[wmacbride]

I think people are missing my point. We are potentially talking about someone who may be unable to have sex. We are not discussing someone who is just with holding. At least this so where I am coming from.

 

For you guys on here, if you became impotent, should your wife divorce you over it?

 

On the other hand, if sex is very painful for your wife due some illness or pregnancy, should you divorce her over it? Or worse cheat?

 

Actually, it could be far worse than that.

 

If his AS doesn't respond to treatment, and some doesn't, he may well end up finding walking very difficult, if not impossible.he may even lose his vision, have trouble breathing and have heart problems. If he is incredibly unlucky, he may lose a lot of the function in his hands.

 

I know that sounds like I am trying to scare the o, but it's the reality of the situation. It's not a choice on his part, and he may well feel really crappy about himself because of that.

 

OP,

giving the difficult spot you are in, do you feel you have it in you to make it work? It sounds very much like it's "make it or break it " time for you here. Please, talk to your husband. Sit him down and tell him not to talk until you are finished. If you can't do t that, write it all out. All of it Let him know how you have been feeling, because he needs to know. You matter, and you have every right to let him know that he is not meeting your needs,a and you have reached your breaking point.

 

If he is responsive, perhaps you two can find way to work through all of this. If he chooses to to respond, then you have a very serious decision to make. I know it might feel horrible to say " I can't cope with all his issues", but in the end, if you stay with hm and cheat, you will hurt him far more than divorce will. You may also end up feeling far worse about yourself, and that's not good for you either.

[Starswillshine]

I guess I see vows differently.

[wmacbride]

I guess I see vows differently.

 

being a spouse who is also a caregiver can be really tough. While I 100 percent agree with you about the importance of vows, if the spouses are this unhappy, resentment can really build and leave two people miserable.

 

One of the saddest parts oft he op's situation is that it's not something either one of them asked for or wanted, and it's not because either one of the did anything wrong. He doesn't want to be ill, and she would probably give her eye teeth to see him feel better again.

 

I really think she does love him, but she's feeling lost and needs care too.

[BluesPower]

being a spouse who is also a caregiver can be really tough. While I 100 percent agree with you about the importance of vows, if the spouses are this unhappy, resentment can really build and leave two people miserable.

 

One of the saddest parts oft he op's situation is that it's not something either one of them asked for or wanted, and it's not because either one of the did anything wrong. He doesn't want to be ill, and she would probably give her eye teeth to see him feel better again.

 

I really think she does love him, but she's feeling lost and needs care too.

 

I think this is a great point...

 

But I have been a care taker and there is a point that no matter how much you love someone, you just cannot do it any more.

 

There were points that I literally thought that I was going crazy with the responsibilities that were on me.

 

And there is a point that it is self survival. When the stress of it all gets to be too much that you become sick which has happened to me before. I actually almost died. At that point I knew I could not do it anymore no matter what.

[Starswillshine]

And if it was your child you had to be a caregiver for? My husband falls under the same for me. I think this is why I say vows mean something different for me. Love is not selfish.

 

Maybe people need to really understand those vows before taking them. And understand what you are promising the other person.

[BluesPower]

And if it was your child you had to be a caregiver for? My husband falls under the same for me. I think this is why I say vows mean something different for me. Love is not selfish.

 

Maybe people need to really understand those vows before taking them. And understand what you are promising the other person.

 

I agree with you for the most part.

 

And I have done it as well. You are probably stronger than me. But when I was laying in the hospital bed from a stroke not knowing if I was going to be ok, I knew I was done. And knowing that there was NO ONE that was going to take care of me if I did not recover, just sealed the deal.

 

I just could not do it anymore...

[knabe]

I think this is why I say vows mean something different for me. Love is not selfish.

 

So everyone else is beneath you?

 

This person is starving for intimacy. Instead of telling her "it's not a need" so get over it, can we find a way to actually hep her?

[Starswillshine]

So everyone else is beneath you?

 

This person is starving for intimacy. Instead of telling her "it's not a need" so get over it, can we find a way to actually hep her?

 

Sure. That's exactly what I said.

[wmacbride]

I agree with you for the most part.

 

And I have done it as well. You are probably stronger than me. But when I was laying in the hospital bed from a stroke not knowing if I was going to be ok, I knew I was done. And knowing that there was NO ONE that was going to take care of me if I did not recover, just sealed the deal.

 

I just could not do it anymore...

 

There is no shame in that.

 

The same is true for the op. To me ( and I am really sorry OP if I am wrong in this) it sounds to me like when you mention cheating, you are really crying out for help.

 

I've been a caregiver ( of sorts) for my spouse, and also two of my kids who ave special needs, and it can be a hard and lonesome row to hoe. It sounds to me like the op is sad, lonely and in need of help, and considering an affair is an act of desperation. It's my belief that she shouldn't cheat, and there are options out there that can help her navigate through all of this in a way that causes the least amount of damage.

 

Op, if you don;t mind a word of advice. It's okay to be angry at the situation. It's okay if you need a break to recharge and its also okay to ask for help. Is there any sort of spousal support group in your area? Online support can be great, but face to face with someone who knows what you are gong through can be even better.

 

I'm not sure what country you live in, but if it has an arthritis society, it can be a huge source of support and information for you.

 

Also, he needs to know how bad things are for you, and that he needs to do some heavy lifting too. Chronic illness can sometimes make a person self centered, and he needs to see that you need support too, from him.

[ladydesigner]

The person starving in the marriage needs to either address the issues with their partner and work on it, go to therapy, or get a D. Cheating is nothing but selfish.

[usa1ah]

Funny how this thread is running so strong with no input from the OP sense the first day.

[jenkins95]

The person starving in the marriage needs to either address the issues with their partner and work on it, go to therapy, or get a D. Cheating is nothing but selfish.

 

Yes, this is the bottom line. The awful, heartbreaking damaging that cheating does is the very reason that almost every one of us signed up to LS - a club that we never really wanted to be a member of.

 

Please don't choose that option.

 

Funny how this thread is running so strong with no input from the OP sense the first day.

 

Yes. Not sure if the OP is still "listening". I do hope so.

[Robert]

Seems the thread starter was a hit and run poster, thread closed until they come back and request it to be opened, thanks to all who participated.