Sexless marriage.. Thinking about cheating..

[ladydesigner]

Because our private parts are more important...

[somanymistakes]

People do need love and affection - humans honestly get ill without it! Have you seen what happens to babies raised in orphanages without love and affectionate touch?

 

So yes. There are needs. However, that doesn't mean you can't go about seeking those needs honestly.

[OneLov]

I think when people talk about "needs," they are referring things they personally require in order to feel satisfaction in their relationship. Just like I do not need compensation to perform my job; however, I do need compensation to maintain the desire to continue sacrificing my time.

[wmacbride]

People do need love and affection - humans honestly get ill without it! Have you seen what happens to babies raised in orphanages without love and affectionate touch?

 

So yes. There are needs. However, that doesn't mean you can't go about seeking those needs honestly.

 

 

And that, right there is the sticking point.

 

After readi9ng dozens ( and dozens and dozens) of stories on here,the one thing that sticks out about many ws is that they are almost afraid of the hard work of either fixing their marriage or ending it, and they are also afraid of the unknown.

 

I can understand how that can happen, especially f the ws was married very young and has never really had time on his or her own to find out who they really are.

 

As it stands, so long as they are plenty of ways in engaging in this exploration without cheating.

[stillafool]

 

Our marriage is great despite this great need not being met.. It's not just sex it's the feeling of being wanted and desired

 

Your marriage isn't great if your needs are being met and you are making out with some guy from the office. It isn't that that guy cares so much for you but was covering his own arse by asking you if you were sure you wanted to make out with him. He wasn't prepared to go any further. I don't think he is preying on you but you two are preying on each other.

[stillafool]

People do need love and affection - humans honestly get ill without it! Have you seen what happens to babies raised in orphanages without love and affectionate touch?

 

So yes. There are needs. However, that doesn't mean you can't go about seeking those needs honestly.

 

Yes I can understand babies getting ill with it. But what about the millions of people who are single and have no one to give them love and affection in a romantic way. They seem to get along just fine.

[Rose.1977]

you can't be thinking about cheating....you are already cheating.

 

Please be gentle? You are cheating!!!

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

I think when people talk about "needs," they are referring things they personally require in order to feel satisfaction in their relationship. Just like I do not need compensation to perform my job; however, I do need compensation to maintain the desire to continue sacrificing my time.

 

 

Love IS Meeting NEEDS. Period. In no way am I condoning going outside the marriage to have those needs met, but if the person is not meeting your needs and you are meeting theirs, then something is wrong. If neither is meeting one another's needs then...well...really not much a of a marriage imo.

 

Not stirring up a war over semantics, but when you love someone, when they hurt, you hurt and you want to make it better for them. And visa versa. This is meeting needs...if someone does not feel satisfied in the M one has to look at needs. Give and it shall be given back if there is love....if not, someone is using someone.

 

Without that emotional tie and connection that comes from meeting needs, the marriage is a business partnership in family in the corporate sense.

[hammyy2k]

Love IS Meeting NEEDS. Period. In no way am I condoning going outside the marriage to have those needs met, but if the person is not meeting your needs and you are meeting theirs, then something is wrong. If neither is meeting one another's needs then...well...really not much a of a marriage imo.

 

Not stirring up a war over semantics, but when you love someone, when they hurt, you hurt and you want to make it better for them. And visa versa. This is meeting needs...if someone does not feel satisfied in the M one has to look at needs. Give and it shall be given back if there is love....if not, someone is using someone.

 

Without that emotional tie and connection that comes from meeting needs, the marriage is a business partnership in family in the corporate sense.

 

i would relate your post with thread by saying, if you marry just to cheat one day, you should have not married or deserve marriage

 

marriage is not meeting needs but commitment, it is a very big responsibility, if one woman or man is deciding to share his/her life with you than its a very big decision. A normal guy wont even share few good stuff with the best of his/ her friends let alone decide to share their lives.

 

i understand if one's needs are not met they may wander outside

 

but the marriage and commitment is made in order to keep things within the bond of marriage

 

if you want to cheat why not divorce the guy since you think he is not meeting your needs?

 

obviously marriage is not about meeting needs but something much bigger

 

cheating destroys people's lives, put a very bad stain and they have to live with consequences for the rest of their lives

 

cheating not only effects and destroys cheater but two families, not even the victim spouce

 

that is why one should think a lot before jumping to commit their lives by marrying.

 

if you are thinking about cheating, it clearly means, you were not ready for marriage or commitment.

 

simple as that

[knabe]

There are frigid or emotionally unavailable people who denigrate the need for intimacy or affection within a romantic relationship. They usually do so because of their own guilt and unhealthiness.

 

Regardless, when your spouse is choosing to withhold the things that are vital to you in a romantic relationship, the answer is NOT to cheat. The answer is to seek to fix that problem. And if it won't be fixed, then you either stay and learn to bear it or you leave.

 

To suggest that there is no need for sex or affection in a relationship is ludicrous. To cheat when it is absent is wrong, and is only compounding one choice of selfishness with another.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, relationships/ marriages have to have a foundation of trust. Without trust one spouse or the other will constantly be looking over his/her shoulder to ensure that their other half is sticking to the straight and narrow. However, in such a case the relationship/marriage is as good as dead. Trust is a two way street. If I trust you then you have to live up to that trust. Also, you must live up to it whether I am looking at you or not. When my back is turned I must be completely reassured that you are upholding your end of the bargain. Having said this I also have to add that trust is the foundation on which a marriage will flourish and in it's absence it will flounder.

 

When it comes to 'needs' there may be different interpretations of this word. There may be some needs which are superficial. If a wife 'needs' a Jaguar or a top end Mercedes to drive her self around when she could just as well make do with a Ford or Chevvy sedan then that is a superficial need. However, if she has an old second hand car which breaks down every so often and she is not able to commute then of course she needs a new car which can transport her safely and reliably to work, the shopping mall or wherever she has to go. This is a genuine need. Sex within marriage is a genuine need both for men and women. Sex is a drive which Nature has programmed into all living beings and humans are no exception. It is an appetite that needs to be satisfied periodically just as one's appetite for food. Just as much as a husband or wife cannot justifiably starve their spouse for food so also they cannot starve them of sex.

 

Having established the need for trust in a marriage as also for sex, if one spouse consciously or unconsciously denies the other sex then the aggrieved spouse should not cheat but explore all other alternatives including divorce to address the problem. I think that is a fair expectation for anyone affected. Warm wishes.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Hi Folks, relationships/ marriages have to have a foundation of trust. Without trust one spouse or the other will constantly be looking over his/her shoulder to ensure that their other half is sticking to the straight and narrow. However, in such a case the relationship/marriage is as good as dead. Trust is a two way street. If I trust you then you have to live up to that trust. Also, you must live up to it whether I am looking at you or not. When my back is turned I must be completely reassured that you are upholding your end of the bargain. Having said this I also have to add that trust is the foundation on which a marriage will flourish and in it's absence it will flounder.

 

When it comes to 'needs' there may be different interpretations of this word. There may be some needs which are superficial. If a wife 'needs' a Jaguar or a top end Mercedes to drive her self around when she could just as well make do with a Ford or Chevvy sedan then that is a superficial need. However, if she has an old second hand car which breaks down every so often and she is not able to commute then of course she needs a new car which can transport her safely and reliably to work, the shopping mall or wherever she has to go. This is a genuine need. Sex within marriage is a genuine need both for men and women. Sex is a drive which Nature has programmed into all living beings and humans are no exception. It is an appetite that needs to be satisfied periodically just as one's appetite for food. Just as much as a husband or wife cannot justifiably starve their spouse for food so also they cannot starve them of sex.

 

Having established the need for trust in a marriage as also for sex, if one spouse consciously or unconsciously denies the other sex then the aggrieved spouse should not cheat but explore all other alternatives including divorce to address the problem. I think that is a fair expectation for anyone affected. Warm wishes.

 

 

Well put. To say certain needs are not needed is foolish.

[S2B]

If you intend to go any further with this OM then divorce your husband now.

 

Cheating never fixes the marriage...and yes you are cheating.

 

Telling another man all about your marriage and your husband is a betrayal.

 

Just divorce since you are focused on being intimate with the OM - that's the only way to save your husband from more pain and suffering.

[knabe]

It is interesting to note that the OP is a woman who is starving for sex, something lots of men tend to complain about, yet she isn't getting much sympathy for her sex starvation. And predicatably she was basically asked if she was fat.

 

I also know of a person online who is female who doesn't want every touch to HAVE TO lead to sex....but she isn't getting much sympathy either.

 

From the male posters. And, of course, the typical "I don't like sex" women.

 

I'm wondering if them being women is the issue? At any rate, the need for intimacy IS a legitimate need in marriage, and she needs to be completely honest with her husband about that and demand that he take steps to take care of it.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

It is interesting to note that the OP is a woman who is starving for sex, something lots of men tend to complain about, yet she isn't getting much sympathy for her sex starvation. And predicatably she was basically asked if she was fat.

 

I also know of a person online who is female who doesn't want every touch to HAVE TO lead to sex....but she isn't getting much sympathy either.

 

From the male posters. And, of course, the typical "I don't like sex" women.

 

I'm wondering if them being women is the issue? At any rate, the need for intimacy IS a legitimate need in marriage, and she needs to be completely honest with her husband about that and demand that he take steps to take care of it.

 

I can TOTALLY relate to the sex starvation. Trust me I DO, 1000%, but as I can truthfully attest, cheating does not solve the issue. I am also on the fence as to if that is a valid biblical reason to divorce. On one hand, I think it is, on the other hand, there may be valid reasons as to why the sexual drive is not there (and I don't mean if the spouse is overweight....).

 

Talking to the spouse and trying to get to the bottom of it or marriage counseling is the first step. If the spouse is unwilling to work on the marriage/sex/emotions....then a difficult decision must be made. I am not a proponent of open marriage or polygamy......after all the Chinese symbol for trouble is two women under one roof.....but if both parties approve and accepting it, then let them find out if that works...(personally I have never seen or known such arrangement work til death).

 

OP...talk to hubby!

[BluesPower]

Because we have a great relationship despite this important need not being met... I told him the other night that we needed to talk and he just said just come to bed and I'll cuddle with you.... yeah "half" cuddled :/

 

And This latest one from knabe...

 

It is interesting to note that the OP is a woman who is starving for sex, something lots of men tend to complain about, yet she isn't getting much sympathy for her sex starvation. And predicatably she was basically asked if she was fat.

 

I also know of a person online who is female who doesn't want every touch to HAVE TO lead to sex....but she isn't getting much sympathy either.

 

From the male posters. And, of course, the typical "I don't like sex" women.

 

I'm wondering if them being women is the issue? At any rate, the need for intimacy IS a legitimate need in marriage, and she needs to be completely honest with her husband about that and demand that he take steps to take care of it.

 

To knabe's point... If anyone is saying that she is not entitled to a satisfying sex life like anyone else, I would just have to say that is just wrong. Everyone has the right to expect their needs to be met especially in a marriage. Further, you could make the case that any man or woman that is not meeting their partners sexual needs almost deserves to be cheated on.

 

I am not saying that it would be right for someone to do that, I am just saying that the case can be made for it.

 

To OP: Sorry but you think you have a great relationship. But if sex is not happening and affection is not happening you really don't.

 

Women and Men all deserve to have their needs for sex and affection met.

 

But sorry, sleeping around is not the answer. You could talk to your husband and explain that he is not taking care of your needs and you want an open relationship, if you want to stay married. But other than that you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Unless you have been through it, you just cannot realize the havoc that an affair brings to your life.

 

Further, you really sound like are care giver and not a wife. I have been there and I know the difference.

 

Be honest with your husband and tell him that THIS, meaning sex and plenty of it, affection and plenty of it, is what you want or you will file for divorce.

 

If he does not get the picture then you have to file.

 

And OP I totally get where you are coming from. I am a high sex and a high affection guy. If a girl wants to be with me then she has to want the same things and if she does not, it's done.

 

See, you think that you can screw this new guy and H will not find out. I assure you that eventually he will and all hell will break loose.

 

I would venture to say that almost every man out there knows when his wife is sleeping with someone. He may not understand exactly what is going on, but he senses something. All but the most absolutely clueless men have a feeling and they know something is off.

 

I really hope that you are listening...

[wmacbride]

op,

if your husband has this type of rheumatoid arthritis, and if he is still on opiate painkillers that are not making much difference, he really needs to see his rheumatologist.

 

The same is true if they have him on methotrexate ( which is really hard to your immune system and red blood cell count it's the same drug they se to treat some cancers) sulfathalozine ( similar side effects). Is he taking an iron supplement?

 

He may be a candidate for some of the newer therapies like the biologics. They can really help, but they are hard on the immune system.

 

My spouse has a form of rheumatoid arthritis ( psoriatic arthritis) and of your spouse is anything like mine, the pain can be excruciating. Because it ramps up your immune system, it can also be incredibly tiring ( it's part of why my husband retired from a job he loved)If he can get access to medical cannabis with a high CBD level, it can help with the inflammation and joint destruction without making him "stoned".

 

Rheumatoid arthritis ( AS is a form of this, ad if I remember correctly, it affects the joints in your lower back and hips, making them swell and eventually causing permanent damage) can be crippling, and is often co-morbid with depression. I would also suggest your husband speak with a psychologist who specializes in helping people with chronic illnesses, and if he can find a support group for people with chronic illnesses, it can be really helpful too.

 

As for you, please look after yourself too. It can be hard being with someone with a chronic illness, and you need support for yourself through all of this. It's okay to be angry at the situation, and at him too. It's not easy, and you need comfort and care just like he does. Sometimes, all the pain and frustration a person experiences when they have an illness like he does can turn that person into a real jerk, and while he's going through a difficult time, he shouldn't be taking that out on you.

 

Does he know just how hard all of this is for you? Do you feel the relationship, such as it is now, is one you want? I'm not saying you don't love him, more than sometime's love just isn't enough.

[ladydesigner]

Been thinking about this and I haven't read through the entire thread so I apologize if this question has already been asked... but to the OP do you think maybe your husband might be having an A of his own?

[nospam99]

we can go a MONTH or even longer without having sex or even being intimate

I thought "being intimate" was woman-speak for "having sex". What's the difference? Are women consistent about what they mean by being intimate?

[central]

marriage is not meeting needs but commitment, it is a very big responsibility

 

It is a commitment, and a big responsibility, but I would say that the commitment IS to meet each other's needs in the usual ways that marriage implies. Failing to do so negates the commitment.

[Starswillshine]

I still don't find these things to be "needs." It is still just desires. Doesn't prevent living. Doesn't stop the ability to make a living to support well, living. It IS an important part of a relationship. Maybe I am just arguing semantics, but when we convince ourselves that we HAVE to have something, it seems some are willing to throw it all away to get it.

 

In the case of OP, sounds like it is possible his illnesses are making it hard from him to give these "desires". Do the vows we make mean nothing? Intimacy and sex is important to me.... however, of my husband were to get hit by a bus tomorrow and was unable to give me this, I won't be going outside of my marriage to "live."

[ladydesigner]

It is a commitment, and a big responsibility, but I would say that the commitment IS to meet each other's needs in the usual ways that marriage implies. Failing to do so negates the commitment.

 

Cheating definitely will negate that commitment!

[road]

It is interesting to note that the OP is a woman who is starving for sex, something lots of men tend to complain about, yet she isn't getting much sympathy for her sex starvation. And predicatably she was basically asked if she was fat.

 

I also know of a person online who is female who doesn't want every touch to HAVE TO lead to sex....but she isn't getting much sympathy either.

 

From the male posters. And, of course, the typical "I don't like sex" women.

 

I'm wondering if them being women is the issue? At any rate, the need for intimacy IS a legitimate need in marriage, and she needs to be completely honest with her husband about that and demand that he take steps to take care of it.

 

 

Man or un-man does not matter if there is no sex. There is no

justification to have an affair.

 

Now if the OP is that unhappy then she needs to get a divorce.

[knabe]

I still don't find these things to be "needs." It is still just desires. Doesn't prevent living. Doesn't stop the ability to make a living to support well, living. It IS an important part of a relationship. Maybe I am just arguing semantics, but when we convince ourselves that we HAVE to have something, it seems some are willing to throw it all away to get it.

 

In the case of OP, sounds like it is possible his illnesses are making it hard from him to give these "desires". Do the vows we make mean nothing? Intimacy and sex is important to me.... however, of my husband were to get hit by a bus tomorrow and was unable to give me this, I won't be going outside of my marriage to "live."

 

I would bet you have some "needs" that I would think are trivial and not worth leaving a marriage for. However, since I know I am not the arbiter of what everyone gets to think, I would not denigrate your deep needs just because I don't have them.

 

Believe it or not, many people have a need for physical intimacy in marriage. In fact, I don't understand WHY someone who doesn't value physical intimacy would even GET married.

 

So while you are entitled to think sex is frivolous, you don't speak for everyone.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Blues, re your post above. You say you are a high sex and high affection guy and need plenty of both from your woman who should be, like you, high sex and high affection. Yet for twenty six years you stuck it out with a woman who was neither and did not meet your needs in these two departments. In fact you are in the process of divorcing her now only because she cheated on you, had an addiction problem which she his from you and lastly but most importantly, did not love you and never had. I find it difficult to reconcile your two positions on this matter but I'm sure you have a very valid reason for them. Warm wishes.