BaileyB Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 In other news...I went out to a fundraiser last night, got chatting to a man, and he's asked if he can take me for dinner. So, small steps. Felt good to meet someone fresh and new, without all this baggage. I'm trying to keep moving forward. Good for you! Just sending encouragement your way... Have fun! And my vote, don't tell your MM. What he thinks is of no consequence anymore... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 (edited) Good for you! Just sending encouragement your way... Have fun! And my vote, don't tell your MM. What he thinks is of no consequence anymore... Have a lovely time on your date serendipity. I know you won't be ready for anything serious yet, but a pleasant evening with a nice man could be just what you need to get you moving in the right direction, and let's face it, is always nice to know that someone finds you attractive! I wouldn't tell MM. It could be seen as playing games and would almost certainly cause a reaction from him. If you can, go complete and permanent NC now. It's the only proven path to recovery. And yes, the "how are you?" type comments are usually due to guilt and wanting to ease ones conscience. I very nearly sent some of these to my xOW because I was feeling bad and guilty (and I was genuinely concerned), but I resisted (and was talked off the ledge by lots of great friends on here). If I'd sent those kind of messages, it would have been a huge insult to the OW and not at all the type of message she wanted to receive (just as you didn't). As a reconciling husband, even more than this, it would have been a huge insult to my wife too and if she'd found out, that would have been that. It took a long time for the urge to contact to die down, but it's passed now. I'm glad I resisted. We got ourselves in a terrible mess, but the only way to get through it was to leave each other alone. I truly hope she's doing well, and I wish the same for you S. x Edited August 2, 2017 by jenkins95 Link to post Share on other sites
Onlywhenitrains Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 He messaged me...I'm happy to report I didn't reach out. He just said "are you ok?" In other news...I went out to a fundraiser last night, got chatting to a man, and he's asked if he can take me for dinner. So, small steps. Felt good to meet someone fresh and new, without all this baggage. I'm trying to keep moving forward. I haven't told MM. No need to tell your MM about your date. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself love, kindness and authentic life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 Thanks for advice everyone. I haven't told him. I did tell him how I was struggling with prospect of meeting his W at this party and I had hoped he wouldn't put is both in that position. He said that he was owning up to his actions, if it came out or if she picked up on what has been going on, he would have to accept it as a consequence of his actions. Seems an incredibly cavalier attitude to have? I would have thought he'd literally do anything to avoid discovery. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 I would have thought he'd literally do anything to avoid discovery. Believe me, that is exactly what he will do. He is trying to suck you in again, by making it seem like he would be fine if she found out. "It is all down to fate if we are meant to be together..." That again gives you an inkling of hope, but nothing has really changed, nor will it. He knows you are not going to act shady to arouse suspicion, nor is he going to take any real risks at the party, so why would she get suspicious? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 Elaine - this was I what suspected. But how does he know I won't tell her when faced with her or at least arouse suspicion? He doesn't. He's just banking on me not. But it is a risk. I might lose control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 Not taking risks would be simple for him - just don't come to the party. It's really straightforward. Don't put us both in such a horrible and humiliating situation. I don't know why he's being so stubborn. I mean, Jenkins, would you have wanted your W and OW to be in same room at the same time...my MM has told he is on medication to deal with the stress this whole thing causes him. So why would he willingly and choose to put himself in situation that could blow up in his face? I too don't believe his "if it blows up and my life is changed it's a consequence of what I've done". Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 Not taking risks would be simple for him - just don't come to the party. It's really straightforward. Don't put us both in such a horrible and humiliating situation. I don't know why he's being so stubborn. I mean, Jenkins, would you have wanted your W and OW to be in same room at the same time...my MM has told he is on medication to deal with the stress this whole thing causes him. So why would he willingly and choose to put himself in situation that could blow up in his face? I too don't believe his "if it blows up and my life is changed it's a consequence of what I've done". My guess is that it's a huge ego boost for him. How could it not be? he'd have two women there, both of whom love him, and neither really knowing the full story of his life. He gets to sit there like mr. smooth while his ego grows to be as big as all outdoors. He doesn't really care about your happiness or your feelings, and ( I am sorry if this is blunt) if you can't tell that from his party plans, then you need to get a crowbar to pry those rose tinted glasses off. I say that because, if he really loved you, he would put your feelings first. that means he would never, ever ask you to put yourself in a position where there is a risk you'd be hurt. It would hurt him to think of you in any sort of emotional pain. Notice how that isn't happening. He's more interested in how it's going to make him feel. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 Thanks for advice everyone. I haven't told him. I did tell him how I was struggling with prospect of meeting his W at this party and I had hoped he wouldn't put is both in that position. He said that he was owning up to his actions, if it came out or if she picked up on what has been going on, he would have to accept it as a consequence of his actions. Seems an incredibly cavalier attitude to have? I would have thought he'd literally do anything to avoid discovery. He doesn't know that you won't do or say anything to arouse suspicion. You have your hand on the "red button" as Jenkins said and you could push it anytime... Perhaps it's part of the thrill for him? Maybe it's the easy way out... He may want to get caught and it would be way easier to be discovered than to have to accept responsibility and fess up? Who knows and who cares anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 Not taking risks would be simple for him - just don't come to the party. It's really straightforward. Don't put us both in such a horrible and humiliating situation. I don't know why he's being so stubborn. I guess he will either get a kick out of it - an adrenaline buzz - or he wants YOU to back down so that he and his wife can be at the party but you have to stay at home so you don't cause any trouble. You may even find that if you do back down and you do not go, then they may not even show up. He may have had no intention of going at all but has thus exerted his power over you. Of course his wife being innocent of all these shenanigans behind her back may just want to go to the party and he feels he has no other option but to accompany her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 His W doesn't know the person who's party it is - never met her. So there's no need for him to come and introduce her into this group of people. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 (edited) His W doesn't know the person who's party it is - never met her. So there's no need for him to come and introduce her into this group of people. That makes me think he's doing it for kicks - just because he can... He is not a nice guy... I feel badly for his wife. Why would a husband ever want to put his wife and the woman he "loves" in such a position - without her knowledge. What a jerk! Can you imagine serendipity, the day that you are finally "together" and you wear his ring on your finger.... He takes you to a party and introduces you to a group of people - and you are wondering which of these women he is sleeping with... Because that is what he did to you and that is the kind of man he has proven himself to be... That would be terrible. Who needs that in their lives... Edited August 3, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 His W doesn't know the person who's party it is - never met her. So there's no need for him to come and introduce her into this group of people. Are you kidding me? You don't strike me as a cruel person, and in fact, you seem distressed over what he is doing to his wife. Ho do you feel about this? His only reason for wanting her to go seems to be so he can sit back and delight himself in how he's deceiving her. It will give him sot sort of a thrill seeing her there, maybe telling others about their life. meanwhile, he'll be there , probably with a big, stupid grin plastered over his face while trying to catch your attention. How do you feel about being part of her having to endure that? Like I said above, you sound like you are a kind person who doesn't want to hurt anyone. How are you going to feel, seeing her there and knowing what he's doing? He's just going to keep on treating you badly, and you absolutely do not deserve that in any way, shape or form. It could be time ( or maybe when her new baby is a bit older) , even if for your own peace of mind, to spill the beans. Let his wife know what's been going on, before she ends up pregnant with another one of his children and is stuck even further than she is right now. So it for yourself and your daughter, as the wight lifted off your shoulders will be so wonderful. You'll feel so free! As for him, let him either sort his stuff out or he can keep on paying his baby games and never grow up. You have absolute control here. Do you really want to be on here five years down the road still asking the same questions you are now? Take your power back. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 Elaine - this was I what suspected. But how does he know I won't tell her when faced with her or at least arouse suspicion? He doesn't. He's just banking on me not. But it is a risk. I might lose control. I would advise you to make sure you don't lose control at the party. There is no scenario where you would not be made the scapegoat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 Hi BW...I'm thinking it's more out of guilt or more likely wanting to keep us hooked. They've proven, after all, to be selfish and interested only in their own feelings and how we make them feel as opposed to reflecting on how they make us feel. For example, I did reply. Felt petty ignoring a direct question. I said "I'm OK...Still angry?"...and he's completely ignored that and just asked me generic / everyday questions about me, my daughter, the weather. Weird. . It's not weird. It's classic push pull behavior. He did not care if you were okay. It was a hook and you bit. He only asked that as he felt his control slipping. He knew you would respond and then he would have the upper hand again. Once he knew he was in control, he did not respond to your question and went back to everyday questions. This left you confused and feeling like you lost something, but you can't place exactly what. You lost your upper hand. Because you doubted yourself and felt petty ignoring him. But then he ignored your question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 Yes, it seems his desire to go this party after I've asked him not and pointed out how humiliating it will be for his W has grown stronger. He is convinced that the friend I am taking is romantic. He said this "I am a very jealous person. If you were with someone to get a reaction from me or or told me you were to get a reaction I would be unreasonably jealous and Id walk away and never speak to you again". He said "now I know you're taking your new love interest I might take my W. I'll let you know". He's now changed his profile picture on the messaging service he uses. He's never, in all 6 years of knowing him, ever put a picture of his wife as his picture (it's normally his kids or him with them) but guess what it is now...his wife and new baby. Maybe just a coincidence?? Or an attempt to even scores in his mind? Not that I'm even taking a 'love interest' to this party!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 The new picture, although it stings, it's also a huge indication of who he is as it seems awfully coincidental that he's put her in the picture (literally) after never having done so before. I'm sure it's a f**k you to me but maybe I'm being too self-absorbed and it has nothing to do with out conversations today? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 Oh and I should add he was also, just few hours ago, telling me how desperately in love with me he is and would come clean to his W if there were no kids to give us a chance of being together. Then he seemed to get jealous and convinced himself I'm taking a new man to the party. Then he changed his profile picture. That's roughly the chain of events. I can't believe how cruel and insensitive he's being. And I'm sorry I think it is unnecessarily cruel to change his picture to his W when he knows I'll see it straightaway and has never done it before (in 6 years). Is it intentional or is just insensitivity? (Yes, I know he has the right to put her in his profile picture but it seems insensitive). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 And i pleaded with him not to go to this party, explained the pain it would cause me. I really tried to impress how sad it would make me feel. He's not only said "I'll let you know" but now done this picture thing. It's like he's goading me almost. I don't know what I've done to deserve this and I don't know whether to say something or try to ignore it/him. I feel doormatty. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 Oh, it's intentional. He's trying to hurt you. He is not happy that you have the audacity to take another man to the party. You are not behaving and he is not happy that things are not going his way anymore... His wife is a pawn, or perhaps collateral damage, in this this little game he is playing... His jealousy and sense of entitlement is yet another reason why you must get away from this man. He's attempting to get you back in line by intimidating and threatening you - telling you that he is a jealous man... Argh! I hate this guy and I don't even know him... Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 My advice is don't go to the party. For months people were repeating the same thing to me - "stay away from him". That only finally sank in a couple of months ago. I mean, really sank in. If I know he's in a room, I don't go in there. I've altered my work schedule. I take a different route to my office. And I don't text or email. I finally get it - stay away from him means just that. If you want this to get better, you should let those words sink in too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 My advice is don't go to the party. For months people were repeating the same thing to me - "stay away from him". That only finally sank in a couple of months ago. I mean, really sank in. If I know he's in a room, I don't go in there. I've altered my work schedule. I take a different route to my office. And I don't text or email. I finally get it - stay away from him means just that. If you want this to get better, you should let those words sink in too. You MUST go no contact. Don't look at his pictures, don't text him, and don't talk to him at the party. If you must go, take a friend and ignore him. Take the high road and don't engage with him anymore... Don't give him the satisfaction of giving him your attention or letting him know that what he does bothers you. Like a child trying to get your attention, refuse to engage. It's not the dormatty thing - going no contact and refusing to engage with him takes courage and strength and... It is the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
BreakingWave Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Serendipity55, again the paraallels are amazing. My xMW periodically changes her profile picture. Oddly it only shows her with her H during the times she's being distant/ignoring me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 Surprisingly he's changed it again, just his new baby now. Oh and he told how I have no respect for him or our relationship, we're incompatible (because only he loves me, I don't love him he says), he doesn't feel he can trust me and that I obviously don't have the feelings I thought I did for him otherwise I wouldn't be able to 'open myself up to someone else'. He did have a modicum of self-awareness when he said 'I am a hypocrite'. He's also justifying his belligerence re party by telling me it's because I'm taking a 'love interest' -I am not. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Surprisingly he's changed it again, just his new baby now. Oh and he told how I have no respect for him or our relationship, we're incompatible (because only he loves me, I don't love him he says), he doesn't feel he can trust me and that I obviously don't have the feelings I thought I did for him otherwise I wouldn't be able to 'open myself up to someone else'. He did have a modicum of self-awareness when he said 'I am a hypocrite'. He's also justifying his belligerence re party by telling me it's because I'm taking a 'love interest' -I am not. Stop trying to justify yourself to him. YOU know the guy you are taking to the party is just a friend so who cares what he thinks. This is all about manipulation and an attempt to push you back into the OW box, where you always pander to him and do what he says he wants you to do all the time. He cannot afford to have an OW who is a loose cannon, so he has to keep you weak. If that involves making you miserable and feeling down trodden sometimes, then so much the better, as miserable people tend to be weak and he needs to make sure you are weak. Downtrodden people are also so so grateful for any "nice" attention and that plays into his hands too. He makes you feel awful then he swoops in to "save" you..., He is offering you nothing here, you are supposed to be his plaything waiting on the wings forever on a "maybe", whilst he just carries on with his married life as normal. YOU don't rock the boat and all is hunky dory. Rock the boat and you incur his wrath... He tosses you a few crumbs every now and again to keep you sweet, but you are mostly in agony the rest of the time... wanting what you cannot have. The "prize" seemingly so close, but yet so far... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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