A MM's story - really resonated with me

[wmacbride]

Grammie - your post hit me hard. I know he chooses her and chose her (got married, has had another baby with her...on that he very recently said to be (after I said he has all he wants) "I have a wife, but I never said to you that's what I wanted. I said I wanted kids. I wanted a wife before we started". I don't know what he means but it is crazy talk as no-one forced him to marry).

 

I have no doubt he tells her how much he loves her - he's told me "I love her, I love you, I don't deny it".

 

In my rational mind is see him for what he is, the selfish (yet brutally honest with me at least - he tells me he loves us both the same, and also tells me how hard it is being with me) user of me and her. It's hard to admit he's not conflicted or confused but just fundamentally selfish. I'm seeing it more and more. He's happy because he's doing what he wants, getting all he wants. He's got a new baby (what he wants), a family/wife (what he wants), me (what he wants)...but he doesn't want to be a full-time husband because that doesn't make him happy so that's why he's not focussed fully on his family (when he has a newborn and a wife recovering from a c-section and a toddler).

 

He must justify it to himself because he says "i know I'm a bad husband but I am a great father because I'm there for my kids, providing, giving them what they need". He actually called me few days ago, on loudspeaker, with his older child in the back of the car. He'd just told me how the older child now has just started recounting things that have happened when out with him back to his mother who's at home. He was talking to me and was talking about us, in front of his son. Who apparently reports back to his mother. As soon as I realised the child could hear and possibly understand I said it wasn't appropriate and ended the call - but it was like it hadn't dawned on him, the risk.

 

For any WSs reading, when your As ended did it make you work on your marriage and did you become better spouses as a result or were just unhappily married? I wonder if I wasn't around in his life he'd be forced to be a better, full-time husband and father because he wouldn't have anywhere else to go.

 

 

I know we both deserve better (W and me) but she's in a state of blissful ignorance. At least I have choices. Maybe that's better (for her to be in the dark) but I do sometimes think "I wish she would find out somehow" so she could make informed choices about her life and so he's exposed for who he really is. As I'm already a cuckoo in her nest it seems like a new level of cruel to shatter her illusions but I do sometimes think it would be better long-term if somehow it all came to light.

 

He has a small baby and a wife who had a cesarian ( major surgery) less than a week ago and he is still trying to see you?

 

I had a cesarian, and was told that after the surgery, women need someone around the house to help out, if at all possible. That should be his first priority.

 

Look, I'm going to be blunt here.

 

You admit yourself that he isn't treating her well, and you also give the impression she doesn't deserve it.

 

If this was any other guy treating his wife that way, how would you feel? Would it be okay? If it's not okay if they do it, then the fact that you have a thing for her husband doesn't make it okay when he does it to his wife either.

 

Add to that the fact that you are helping him to hurt her.

[wmacbride]

Yes, I do. Of course I do. I'm not without conscience.

 

I appreciate the honesty but I am also looking for support and not judgment. I don't know his W and my primary concern is my daughter and myself - doing what I need to do to not spiral and feel out of control and that's writing on here so I keep focussed on how the A is damaging primarily for me and my loved ones. I know I'm not a victim, I chose to have poor boundaries but although she's innocent she also doesn't know so all feels OK and normal in her world. Whereas in mine, whether I am the architect of my own pain or not, everything is not good and I am struggling with the sense of disappointment and rejection. Justified or not, I am where I am.

 

I am not meeting up with him and I am not giving him what he wants (to be back together). I am engaging with him but I'm not giving into him.

 

I would add from my own personal experience that having a newborn baby isn't the best days of your life. That's a romanticised view of it in my opinion. They're incredibly hard and I found it a very difficult and painful (physically) time. I was just trying to get through it to be honest. But hopefully that's not everyones experience.

 

I'm sorry, but he more you try and defend this guy, the worse you make him sound.

 

He has a newborn and a wife who just had a c-section, and he is trying to get in touch with you and meet with you?

 

dear god woman, take of those damned rose coloured glasses. You say yourself that the time when your child was a newborn was a tough one, and if she had a cesarian, hers was likely equally difficult. he can't even get his cr@p together for one measly week to care for his wife and child?

 

You say this guy loves you?

 

Madam, this man doesn't know the meaning of the word. If you need further proof, think on this.

 

A week ago, he sat with his wife, probably with tears on his face, while they admired and cooed over their new baby. He probably held her hand, told her he loved her, told her that she was amazing and that he was so happy with her.

 

meanwhile, he's got you and telling you he loves you, etc.

 

What a load of crap. If you love someone, you don't knowingly hurt them He's is doing that to both you and his wife, all the while probably smugly assuring himself that he is entitled to it all, because in his mind, the fact that he even exists indicates he deserves to be happy, no matter the cost to anyone else.

[wmacbride]

Yes, the analogy is a particular low point. It drove me further from him. But, at least he was honest. I can't ask him for honesty and then be upset when he gives it to me. I know I should listen to him and realise I'm not special enough to him to have eclipsed his W in his affections. He said his feelings for me grow and they've exacerbated his marital problems. I think I deserve to be not one of two but just the one. He says it's not that binary...because there are children involved. If there weren't he might not be with her and to quote "there'd be a real chance we'd be together". A chance, not a definite. As someone else said he's told me he'd be able to sever ties with his W (if not kids) but he'd still fancy her...so even if I was his partner sounds like he'd be still sleeping with his W.

 

A while ago, I was fed up with what I perceived as his fence sitting (I love you both equally) and I said to him but what if you had to save just one of us and you could only save one...he said that he would choose himself because he couldn't pick between us. He wanted my takeaway to be 'so he must love us the same' but it wasn't, I thought, how characteristic of him...he'd choose himself. He always does. He even said to me if we were just friends still he'd warn me off guys like him because they're bad partners. He has some introspection.

 

So he would rather be with you, but for his children, e would be.

 

Then he gets his wife, who he has been married to for less than a year pregnant?

 

That makes no sense, except from the perspective that he is just where he wants to be.

[norudder]

When your value as a human being is reduced to an ice cream flavour.

 

So long as you perceive yourself to wallow in weakness and compare yourself in analogy to an ice cream flavour while your life drifts by, fair play.

 

My exMM compared me to a concert t-shirt. Tucked in a drawer to remember the good times. Ugh. Objectification, possession, depersonification. And he sees it as flattering. Like a robber saying thank you as they haul off with your things.

 

OP, you might appreciate this article https://lastsummerweekend.com/2016/02/12/misogynists-dont-necessarily-hate-women-they-use-them/

 

I dont agree with all of the bloggers views, but this helped me see how exmm and my views of love were different.

 

I disagree he loves you the same, he loves the ways in which you and his w each provide your respective service to him.

 

If he really loved both of you and was truly a polyamorous person, there would be the respect of letting his w know and the respect of not keeping you a secret. If he loved you the same, wouldnt he want to include you in important parts of his life? Whatever his "feelings" are, where are the corresponding actions? Holidays family gatherings doctor appointments plus one events, etc. He values her enough to reproduce with her, share living expenses with her etc and values you for...... what? emotional connection? which he also has with her at least to some degree.

 

What do YOU want to be valued for? The compartment he puts you in or who you ARE as a person? Even if he did find a backbone and want to live an authentic integrated life, is a poly situation really what you want or are you making exceptions for him? And if you are making exceptions, then you are dishonoring yourself by doing so.

 

This isnt a little thing like whether someone squeezes the toothpaste from the middle or not. This is a dealbreaker situation. Be intentional.

 

You really need to think about the end state of what you want and work backwards from there. Only make choices that will move you closer to that, not further.

 

It is really no benefit to speculate how he will be, or how their M will be without you. I know its hard. But it is really just another type of avoidance on your part IMO by spending mental energy directed externally on them instead of focusing on your reality and making the changes you want/need. FWIW my exmm and his w did have a dday. He admitted his affair to her and guess what, she admitted her affairs to him. You would think if he really loved me he would say ok great that's the perfect cue to exit. Nope. They did not reconcile but didnt divorce either. Last I knew they were still swirling in dysfunction, living together but free to do what each wanted.

 

Your mm isnt likely to initiate action. Especially as he's telling you he loves her. You're right that even if she kicked him out that wouldnt change. My exmm claimed to love two women. Then I was the only one he loved. Then he would always love his w. Then he hated her. It was ridiculous. I want a monogamous relationship with someone who is available physically and emotionally enough to make our relationship a priority or can state that as a goal and demonstrates it. That excludes living with a lover (former or current, I wont date men "living together separated" even if I CAN meet the other person), that excludes poly and open marriage situations, that excludes still having heartbroken or spiteful emotional attachment, that excludes still being the ex's go-to handyman or call for anything best friend, excludes single playboys just wanting hookups, excludes men with intimacy/anger/maturity issues, excludes 90 hour workweek schedules, etc. You see my point? It narrows the field significantly, but I'm not trying to force a square peg into a round hole wasting my time or risking my heart. It increases my chances of having room for the right fit with someone and I can rest at night at peace with my soul by living in my own integrity.

 

Heart and mind need to be in balance. Dont let him or your feelings for him skew who you are.

[Southern Sun]

Yes, the analogy is a particular low point. It drove me further from him. But, at least he was honest. I can't ask him for honesty and then be upset when he gives it to me. I know I should listen to him and realise I'm not special enough to him to have eclipsed his W in his affections. He said his feelings for me grow and they've exacerbated his marital problems. I think I deserve to be not one of two but just the one. He says it's not that binary...because there are children involved. If there weren't he might not be with her and to quote "there'd be a real chance we'd be together". A chance, not a definite. As someone else said he's told me he'd be able to sever ties with his W (if not kids) but he'd still fancy her...so even if I was his partner sounds like he'd be still sleeping with his W.

 

A while ago, I was fed up with what I perceived as his fence sitting (I love you both equally) and I said to him but what if you had to save just one of us and you could only save one...he said that he would choose himself because he couldn't pick between us. He wanted my takeaway to be 'so he must love us the same' but it wasn't, I thought, how characteristic of him...he'd choose himself. He always does. He even said to me if we were just friends still he'd warn me off guys like him because they're bad partners. He has some introspection.

 

Oh goodness. You sound like I did at one point...giving your MM "points" for "introspection" and honesty. Blech. I question that when still nothing fruitful comes of it. Beware.

 

His words sound confusing to you because they make NO SENSE. When someone contradicts themselves in the same sentence, it is naturally confusing. "I love you, but I also love my wife." "If it weren't for my children, I would be with you...but then again, I do have a connection with my wife." And did I read that he only recently got married? Are you the one who had an R with him before he got married? I can't recall, I get these stories mixed up sometimes. Because I am hearing that these are NEW children or at least very young. Why didn't he just have them with YOU? Then all of his problems would be solved. Well, except that he loves his wife too. So I guess not...right?

 

He is talking you around because he thinks he needs to say WHATEVER he can to keep you. He wants you both! He wants it all. It is not really about his kids. He wants what he has at home, and he wants you too. Period. Using "children" just makes things sound more noble, less painful, less about a comparison between the two women.

 

I am dumbfounded at his stupid answer to your question, but I'm not sure how much stock I would put into it. If someone put me in such an uncomfortable situation by asking me that, it would anger me and I might answer sarcastically just out of frustration (though probably not with that ridiculous response). It does make me question his level of EQ.

 

You asked earlier what happens to people after their affairs end, do they put more effort into their Ms. It all depends on the person, of course. Were they uncomfortable in the affair in the first place? Is it a relief to get out of it? Then yes, they might re-engage in their M. If they loved every bit of it and are returning to a lifeless, loveless M, then no, they will probably just go on to find another A. It is not perfectly black and white either. A person can care for their AP, even feel 'in love', and yet not feel like him/herself in the A. He/she can carry out the affair and yet all along feel at odds with herself or himself. And so, even if it appeared that there was lots of love and feeling, he/she can be quite relieved for it to be over...while at the same time requiring strong will to stay out of it. Crazy stuff indeed.

 

I hope some day, Serendipity, that you can take this man off the pedestal he currently resides on in your heart. It does not sound like he deserves it.

[jah526]

Mine had just had his second child too when things became physical between us. I think there is something about the second child that makes men go crazy. Do they feel like it's the final nail in their coffin? That they're chained down for life now or something? Seems to me like having an A at this point is a desperate grab for an escape from real life.

[Serendipity55]

He's been with his W for 12 years. They got married a year ago. His children are 2.5 and 7 days old.

 

Before he got married, he said "I feel I should be with her...she's the love of my life". A few days ago, after the birth of his second child, he said "I think it's possible to have different loves of your life at different times. The man I am now feels that way about you and sometimes about her but recently we've not got on much at all and I question whether we'd be together if we didn't have the children now".

 

So I think when he got married he was fully into that life choice. The second child - I was always wanted a family, more than one child and I want my children to have siblings. It was always the plan i.e. so basically my presence and his growing feelings didn't budge him off that trajectory. Now I think he's feeling the strain having two young children and a tired wife puts on a relationship and looking for the lack of emotional connection with me.

 

He's cheated on his W before so I think, perhaps, he thinks he can get away with whatever. Further illustrated by his talking to me about our A in front of his child and also wanting me to be part of his main life by wanting me to spend time with him and his wife at their house, at parties, etc.

 

Even if I "got the spoils" I am aware they're very damaged and unattractive. I am in no doubt he'd treat me in the same way as his W (she has 12 years with him and 2 kids and he still cheats, I would be the old OW not the mother of his kids) if not worse. I need to work towards the future I always wanted. A family of my own with a man who has integrity. I know he's not that man. I just need to write here to sort out my very unruly mind.

 

Thanks for your patience and support - it's helping me.

[BreakingWave]

 

...wanting me to be part of his main life by wanting me to spend time with him and his wife at their house, at parties, etc.

 

 

I can't caution you enough against this. To a large degree I was already part of my x-MW's "main life" before the A started because we had been friends for years. But after the A started it was very difficult for me to be around family parties, join on vacation etc. because I constantly saw that yep, that's her REAL life, and I'm the secret. It messes even further with your already damaged sense of self-worth to incalculable degrees. Even now, she invites me over for dinner and wants me to hang out with her family just like nothing ever happened. Trust me, it's the worst feeling.

[Serendipity55]

Right now, I feel rising waves of anxiety, like I'm almost about to burst out of my skin. It feels like a loss of control. It's strange because there's been no d-day, he's not ended it (thus causing a sense of loss of control)...nothing has changed. So I don't know why I'm reacting this way.

 

 

We have a mutual friend. Her son is having his first birthday party in a few weeks. We're both invited. I think he's thinking about taking his W (as is his right) and I'm taking a friend (for support really). I am worried about the impact this will have on my already fragile self. I can't not go because my friend wouldn't understand - she'd think I was being flaky and I said i would go months ago. It's a big deal for her and to not show up for no apparent reason would hurt her. Equally, I don't feel it's 'fair' he gets to go and I don't - he looks like the good friend and I look a bit rubbish.

 

Maybe in a few weeks I will feel stronger. I'm not sure. Difficult to think calmly and rationally right now. Or to guess how I'll be then.

[BaileyB]

I know I should listen to him and realise I'm not special enough to him to have eclipsed his W in his affections. I think I deserve to be not one of two but just the one. He said If there weren't he might not be with her and to quote "there'd be a real chance we'd be together". A chance, not a definite.

 

A while ago, I said to him but what if you had to save just one of us and you could only save one...he said that he would choose himself because he couldn't pick between us. He wanted my takeaway to be 'so he must love us the same' but it wasn't, I thought, how characteristic of him...he'd choose himself. He always does.

 

He even said to me if we were just friends still he'd warn me off guys like him because they're bad partners.

 

That is his disclaimer - he's warned you and if you chose to stay with him, what happens is not his fault and he has no reason be feel guilty. What a good guy

 

Dear girl, you are special. And you deserve to be special to someone - you deserve to be the chosen one, not one of two...

 

The fact that he tells you "there is a good chance we will be together" if he was not with his wife should say a lot... He is truly only looking out for his own self interest and although I'm sure he cares for you, he is not committed to you. You deserve someone who wants you above all else. I hope you are able to leave this man in your past and find that someday...

[Serendipity55]

Yes and he says that too, "you deserve more, and you're right to want more" - when I said I wouldn't wait for him.

 

I'm taking a friend to this party...as mentioned. He's very jealous despite fact I've told him this a platonic friend. Means nothing that he's reacted that way I know. I'm not reading into that other than to think it's a loss of control/power he's worried about perhaps. Or maybe it's less sinister and it's just a concern I am moving on (which I do want to). So I am reading into it (sorry) but not in a rose-tinted way.

[BaileyB]

He has no right to be jealous when you bring a friend to the party. And, with all due respect, if he really felt like you deserved more he wouldn't be waiting at your door to exploit your loneliness and vulnerability. If he really loved you and wanted the best for you, he would let you go so that you could find true love and happiness.

 

Forgive me, if I'm not remembering well... but, if you haven't seen a counsellor, I would really encourage you to find someone you trust. I think many of your difficulties stem from grief. You may not agree, but grief can really mess with your mind and affect the choices you make for your life. Wishing healing for you.

[carhill]

Yeah, agree on the professional therapy suggestion. I know it really helped me, especially in the area of finishing business and concluding forensics. Since none of us are mind-readers, the what-ifs can live on for decades unless one accepts the real and puts the what-ifs to rest. If one wants to live the life of an affair partner, that's a choice. If to live alone, that's a choice. If in a parallel or concurrent relationship, that's a choice. If in a completely separate and discrete relationship, that's a choice. Make a choice, accept it, embrace it and move on.

 

Once made, if xMM is not part of that choice, then he's departed your life and is zero. Gone, ended, done, over. One of billions you'll never care about nor have contact with. With therapy, it's hard to even remember MW's names, much less anything that occurred or any emotion attached to those memories. It's like reaching for something that's not there. Zero.

[wmacbride]

He's been with his W for 12 years. They got married a year ago. His children are 2.5 and 7 days old.

 

Before he got married, he said "I feel I should be with her...she's the love of my life". A few days ago, after the birth of his second child, he said "I think it's possible to have different loves of your life at different times. The man I am now feels that way about you and sometimes about her but recently we've not got on much at all and I question whether we'd be together if we didn't have the children now".

 

So I think when he got married he was fully into that life choice. The second child - I was always wanted a family, more than one child and I want my children to have siblings. It was always the plan i.e. so basically my presence and his growing feelings didn't budge him off that trajectory. Now I think he's feeling the strain having two young children and a tired wife puts on a relationship and looking for the lack of emotional connection with me.

 

He's cheated on his W before so I think, perhaps, he thinks he can get away with whatever. Further illustrated by his talking to me about our A in front of his child and also wanting me to be part of his main life by wanting me to spend time with him and his wife at their house, at parties, etc.

 

Even if I "got the spoils" I am aware they're very damaged and unattractive. I am in no doubt he'd treat me in the same way as his W (she has 12 years with him and 2 kids and he still cheats, I would be the old OW not the mother of his kids) if not worse. I need to work towards the future I always wanted. A family of my own with a man who has integrity. I know he's not that man. I just need to write here to sort out my very unruly mind.

 

Thanks for your patience and support - it's helping me.

 

Madam,

I want to grab you and shake you ( after I'm done strangling him:laugh:).

 

He talks to your about your affair i front of his children?

 

What an idiot.

 

Look, I don't know you, and the only data I have is your own words. It sounds like both your brain and heart are screaming at you to walk away. You sound like a lady with a big heart and who is tying your mind up like a pretzel to make this all okay, when you know it's wrong, not just for his wife and children, but for you, and your child as well.

 

How much of your daily life is spent trying to sort through all of this in your mind? how much emotional energy are you wasting?

 

Why not take even half the love you are showing this guy and use it on yourself. Aren't you worth far more than all of this heartache?

 

Hell, I don't even know you and I think you are worth way more than all of this.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I know I should listen to him and realise I'm not special enough to him to have eclipsed his W in his affections.

 

You are looking at it from a female perspective which is totally different skewed from how men view these things. His leaving or not leaving his marriage has absolutely nothing to do with you and his feelings for you. You could be the most special person on the earth to him and it would not make a difference. This thinking is what is causing you the most pain because you keep thinking that there must be something you could do, say or be which would get you what you want. And the thing is, there isn't.

 

I went through this myself and I didn't understand it till reading all the posts on this board and the other board, plus a few men in my real life who went through very painful divorces they did not want. Men don't leave a marriage for a feeling for a different woman, no matter the feeling. They generally do not make big decisions based on fleeting emotions. They leave a marriage because it does not suit their needs anymore and it is generally a very painful existence - and even then, a lot still won't leave, they hold on even though they are miserable.

 

Why do they do this? They like being married, they do love their wife or at least it is familiar and comfortable, they tend not to have the social circle women do so it's either this or being alone, they put a lot of value on material wealth and the concept of starting over is horrible to them. They have spent the bulk of their life planning for retirement and they know that to divorce means a huge financial rip in their lives. The men I know in real life, they live with their parents, they are broke, or they live in some total crappy apartment. They are miserable and constantly bemoan the big house they had and hate their wife for how everything ended up. I don't know one woman who is focused on retirement like men do. Don't underestimate how big this is for them. My xmm was okay staying in his sexless marriage with his wife who he did not respect or like because he was not giving her half his money and living in some sh*thole apartment this close to retirement (he was 46 at the time).

 

And that is because in all cases in my life, the wife filed for divorce. She did not view the starting over part as a negative thing but as an opportunity for growth. I know because I also had a divorce in my early 30s , started over from nothing, not even a car and I was happy. My ex took 8 years in therapy to move on. We didn't even have any kids. I only know one guy who filed and he did not want to, but he was so miserable and went to years of counseling but his wife would not leave her ex alone. So he finally filed, but he is not happy.

 

So my point is, women tend to follow their heart and make big decisions for "love" whereas men don't. That does not mean we are doing the right thing either. The truth is somewhere in the middle.

 

My advice to you is to end it. And not because I'm judging you, I'm not. But I know what comes next, she finds out and he drops you. Hard.

 

Then you will know real pain. Earth shattering pain like you have never known before.

 

Get out know while you still have the upper hard. Don't go to the party. Cut all contact and don't look back. Trust me that how he treats his wife, he will treat you, but you are right in that it will be worse. That is because she is innocent and you are not. Innocent wife always trumps other woman. You will be blamed for it all. We all are. If you can avoid all that, you will be a lot better off.

 

And yes, I have made blanket statements. I'm sure some men make decisions out of crazy love and some women don't. This just has been my experience from everything I have read and seen.

[wmacbride]

Yes and he says that too, "you deserve more, and you're right to want more" - when I said I wouldn't wait for him.

 

I'm taking a friend to this party...as mentioned. He's very jealous despite fact I've told him this a platonic friend. Means nothing that he's reacted that way I know. I'm not reading into that other than to think it's a loss of control/power he's worried about perhaps. Or maybe it's less sinister and it's just a concern I am moving on (which I do want to). So I am reading into it (sorry) but not in a rose-tinted way.

 

You have a whole board of people on here, ow/om, ws and bs alike who are all telling you that you are worth far better treatment than what he is giving you.

 

I hope you are in a place where you can take to heart what you're hearing on here.

[Serendipity55]

Thank you Midnight - that's very insightful and I'm glad for the benefit of your experience. I had a quick think and most of the divorces I am aware of were instigated by women. My friend is a divorce lawyer so I'll have to ask him what his experience is. I definitely think with my heart and head but I guess I'm guided by emotions - he's a head man...although I did say to him once whether he also stays for financial reasons and he said that wasn't as important in the grand scheme of things - it was his children, "it's all about the kids now" he said. But also probably doesn't want to move out of his house as he always tells me how it's value has doubled in a short space of time. Show off. But I take the point - he will operate on a more pragmatic level than me and also a fundamentally selfish one.

 

Good to know he'll never ever leave and it's also good to know that it's not that I'm not good enough or even enough - he just values his life as it is above all. Lucky him getting to enjoy it without even a pang of conscience or consequence. I know I sound bitter but that does feel awfully unfair. Did anyone else feel that sense of injustice? He's getting away with it and he's got all he wants.

 

Thanks everyone else too - I know you're all offering me a huge amount of support and I'm a stranger essentially. I will use your words and I will hold onto them when I'm feeling weak.

[BaileyB]

Let's be honest here - if it is really about his kids, he wouldn't be out chasing another woman when he had a young child at home. He certainly wouldn't be contacting you when he has a week old baby and his wife is recovering from a c-section and caring for a newborn and a small child. He definitely wouldn't be taking time and energy that could be spent with his family - to spend it with you.

 

I'm sorry, but the reality check is that good fathers, those who are devoted to their children and their families, just don't do this kind of thing... They invest in the well being of their marriage and their family, they don't invest in selfish relationships outside the marriage that put the emotional and financial health and well being of their family at risk.

 

You have to quit believing his lies... He may think that he is devoted to his children - but his actions tell you otherwise.

 

And I most definitely agree with Midnights post... Women think with their emotions "if he loves me, he will want to be with me..." Men are much more pragmatic. They value the security and comforts of their family, even if the relationship is not good. And, they take a significant financial hit when they get divorced. Why suffer financially when you can maintain stability and comfort... and have a little fun on the side.

 

Whether he chooses to leave his wife or not, it has absolutely nothing to do with whether you are good enough or whether he loves you enough. The truth is, he has told you that he will not leave his family and the statistics show that it's unlikely that he will leave his wife for you. Your heart just wanted to believe otherwise (and still does, it would seem).

 

And, don't fool yourself that it is only men who do this... Women also do this, although their reasons for having an affair may or may not be different (the most common reason being that their emotional needs are not being met at home, someone comes along to show them some attention and make them feel special/wanted and boom!).

 

And if I may, the fact that he would talk about your affair in front of his child and/or want you to attend social gatherings with his wife and children is twisted. This guy has no conscience and absolutely no remorse for his behavior. It's really shameful.

 

I can appreciate that you are struggling to come to terms with the situation, but I too want to shake you! You seem like a nice person, who has suffered a traumatic loss and needs to find a new path in life. You have trusted the wrong person and given away your heart unwisely. You simply must gain perspective and make better decisions - for yourself and your daughter. I too hope that you will hear the support and encouragement of a bunch of stranger on the Internet and get yourself some counselling - so that you can create a better future for yourself and your daughter.

Edited July 30, 2017 by BaileyB

[gettingstronger]

Lots of people have happy, fulfilling relationships with their children in a joint custody situation- this is no secret and the MM probably sees that on a daily basis in his life- why he continues to use this excuse is a question you need to answer for yourself.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Did anyone else feel that sense of injustice? He's getting away with it and he's got all he wants.

 

 

Yes. That has been a very common theme here. Many of us have felt that feeling, that injustice, that these guys don't feel any sense of wrongdoing and face no consequence for their actions. Sometimes there is a D Day, like in my situation, so I got a little karmic relief, but yes, I occasionally think about how easy it was for him to use me, drop me and go on with this life, as I am sure he is doing right now. I'm long forgotten.

 

I could give you a big post about how he will get his, end up alone, and all that - but the reality is that there is a good chance that nothing will happen to them. They will never realize how they made another person suffer.

 

So what can you do then? You can realize that it doesn't always all work out in the end, life isn't a movie, and the best you can do right now is look out for yourself and your own needs. And some guy cheating on his wife is not in line with your own needs. You just put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

 

You realize the 5 most powerful words in the English language are: I Am Not A Victim. You are choosing this and you can un-choose it. You have control over your actions, maybe not your feelings, but change your thoughts, change your actions and your feelings will follow behind.

 

There is no magic pill but you need to decide, today is the day. Because otherwise you will be right here 6 months from now. 6 years from now. It happens.

 

If you end it and don't look back, I promise you that one day, you won't really care that he didn't get his. It won't matter because you are too busy living your life. Doesn't that sound nice?

[BreakingWave]

 

Good to know he'll never ever leave and it's also good to know that it's not that I'm not good enough or even enough - he just values his life as it is above all. Lucky him getting to enjoy it without even a pang of conscience or consequence. I know I sound bitter but that does feel awfully unfair. Did anyone else feel that sense of injustice? He's getting away with it and he's got all he wants.

 

Yes, I feel every ounce of this. It occupies a ridiculous proportion of my waking energy and thoughts, honestly. We are the ones who make the sacrifices and bear the burdens and live with the consequences. They never felt what we did and likely have no idea what we've gone through. Either we've never flat-out told them, or perhaps we have but they still don't comprehend it because they weren't as invested as we were.

 

It's not fair, but... life isn't, always.

[jah526]

Did anyone else feel that sense of injustice? He's getting away with it and he's got all he wants.

 

No, I don't feel that because I was the one who ended it. I feel proud of myself for extricating myself from that situation. But I know he now has to do the hard work of either 1) finding and grooming a new victim, or 2) working on his marriage.

 

(fwiw, I'm betting on #1)

[Serendipity55]

I suppose, without me, he doesn't have everything he wants because he also wants me as the OW...I also know I won't care about the injustice of it all when I'm clear of it and have benefit of hindsight.

 

As someone posted on the MM's Story thread...the MM continues to live within the parameters of his M (which if he chooses to ignore the problems and truly does love his OW as well as his W will be unfulfilling on some level...maybe) whereas the OW has the opportunity to meet new people and move on, to become involved with a man with integrity and conscience.

 

He really lashed out when he found out I was bringing a friend to this party. He was peeved that (a) it is a man; and (b) he thought I'd told someone else about the A (I haven't but he knows I told a close gf). He didn't care at all that the reason for me bringing a plus one was for moral support in case he brings his W (he won't tell me if he is or isn't - maybe he doesn't know yet). He didn't even care when I said I need support as I'm not sure how I will feel/react. His reply was "react how you want to react...you have just told me what you do is 'none of my business'". Why do you speak to me like that?"...I admit I was angry so I did say "I don't need to run decisions past you, what I do is my concern". I know this sounds very petty and an embarrassing exchange between two adults but it illustrates, I think, his true colours. His lack of care...his anger is purely derived from self-interest, selfish concerns. Couldn't give a toss about my feelings or his W's or putting us both in a very invidious situation.

[OpenBook]

He really lashed out when he found out I was bringing a friend to this party. He was peeved that (a) it is a man; and (b) he thought I'd told someone else about the A (I haven't but he knows I told a close gf). He didn't care at all that the reason for me bringing a plus one was for moral support in case he brings his W (he won't tell me if he is or isn't - maybe he doesn't know yet). He didn't even care when I said I need support as I'm not sure how I will feel/react. His reply was "react how you want to react...you have just told me what you do is 'none of my business'". Why do you speak to me like that?"...I admit I was angry so I did say "I don't need to run decisions past you, what I do is my concern". I know this sounds very petty and an embarrassing exchange between two adults but it illustrates, I think, his true colours. His lack of care...his anger is purely derived from self-interest, selfish concerns. Couldn't give a toss about my feelings or his W's or putting us both in a very invidious situation.

 

I don't think it's petty at all. I think it's very significant. You're rebalancing the relationship which was previously skewed heavily in his favor; you're re-calibrating, and he doesn't like losing that advantage. Wasn't he the one who wanted to involve you more with his W and family? Well, here's his chance. If I were you I'd bring around dates & male friends at every opportunity. Let him stew in his own juices. What's good for the goose.

[BaileyB]

Absolutely, he doesn't like the fact that he is not the person holding all the cards any more... His anger , directed at you, is an attempt to intimidate you and regain control of the relationship. I say, bring that man along if that's what you need to get through the day. What is good for the goose...