I cheated and now he wants a 'HallPass'

[Bastile]

Why are you bringing a child into this?

 

Why did you make the relationship open, if that's not what you wanted?

 

Why are you creating a life with a man who isn't fulfilling your needs?

 

Seems like all your problems are of your own making.

[wmacbride]

The only relevance your husband's behavior his would be whether or not you choose to stay or leave him.

 

Tying to blame him for your actions helps no one.

[oldlion]

You are not in a girl/boy relationship. You are in a parent/child relationship and you are the parent. As far as the hall pass, he has seen an opportunity is using your guilt to hook up with another woman. A good relationship happens when the woman puts in 60% and takes out 40% and the man puts in 60% and takes out 40%. That way the relationship bucket is always full. It appears your man is putting in about 20% and taking out 80% but is still wanting you to put in a lot more than your 60%. You may love him with all your heart but unless he does some drastic changing, in the future, you are going to have a miserable life and if children are involved it will make it even more miserable. You and he should part ways. Don't ruin your life with someone who doesn't care about anyone more than himself. The mistake you made was engaging in sex with someone else before you cut ties with him. Not a good move and yes it's cheating. There are a lot better men out there. Go find one of them. I do wish you well.

[harrybrown]

Do you still work with your BJ co-worker?

 

if you do, you are still in the A.

 

He will never get over the BJ, or forget it.

 

Did you get tested for stds?

 

Hope you figure things out before the baby gets here.

 

If he does not work, have him leave. But he should help with child support, and get a real job.

 

good luck to you and your baby.

 

The hall pass will only make things worse.

 

Is your co-worker married? If he is, get a new job.

[Grumpybutfun]

You were with this person since 16. You never really grew into who each of you were. Yes, you acted immaturely, but you also came clean. The deal is this...if you were happy and this relationship wasn't a trial run meant to teach you something, you wouldn't have cheated and your bf wouldn't have made you feel irrelevant.

Move on,

G

[mikeylo]

The BJ was the trade off, to get the attention she craved.

Women often feel pressurised to reward men with sexual favours, by giving the BJ, she was trying to keep the attention coming her way.

 

I should have known !

 

OP, I don't think there is any coming back from this for your fiancé. You are feeling disgusted for your behavior and him by you. Your loss of confidence and happiness is normal. We all feel good and confident when we do honorable deeds. I wouldn't blame him for your bad choices though.

 

Break up. You aren't married. It makes moving on easier. Get some therapy asap

[Just a Guy]

I guess the OP has not liked the advice she has been getting and has therefore abandoned her thread. I should think she has a lot of sadness and disappointment lined up for her if she continues to ignore what is obvious. I guess all Pune can do is wish her well. Warm wishes.

[bigman1]

You all have been together since you both were 16, according to my math. He's had 3 "women" before or during your time together?

 

Just stop. Stop it all. End whatever it is that you are doing. So much is wrong. There is no way for this to be right. Take a 6 month break. Then rethink things.

[dichotomy]

 

I love my fiance to death, but i feel like he doesnt pay me too much attention. I cook him dinner most nights, I clean the house, I work. And the only time we spend is eating the food i cook every night and he goes back to the computer to read forums and play games. He never likes going out, he doesnt like celebrating holidays, or birthdays....

 

 

So before he found out the horrible act I did he started talking to other girls, which drove me crazy because hes going out and doing things with them that i just wanted him to do with me.

 

Lets skip the BJ/Cheating for a moment.

 

So - Before you confessed about your Cheating - YOU were doing all the work - he never liked going out with you - BUT he does like to go out with other girls - leaving you at home?

 

Honestly that kind of sounds like abandonment or a form of cheating. Even if he is not having sex - he is going out with other girls leaving you at home to cook and clean ???? How is that going to feel with a baby in your hands ?

 

Before you mentioned a child on the way -and are in the middle of school - I was going to 100% recommended you break off the marriage.

 

You own (mortgage) a home together? How is this owned if your both not married - is it in someones name only (yours or his ?)

 

Look - its highly unlikely he is not going to change or get better when you get married or have a baby. My suggestion is for now - keep the current arrangements - postpone marriage - have the baby and finish your degree. Decide on marriage or separation after your degree is complete. Its easier to do so now with your current arrangements unless you have parents or family you can go live with. Leaving when a baby is two would be easier than newborn - assuming he can help a little in the baby's care - which is doubtful given you do all the work.

 

I am sorry.

[Truley33]

Thank you everyone for your input. I haven't abandoned just been busy. I'm trying to wrap my head around all this.

[Steve51]

Sounds like he found a way to have his cake and eat it too. He makes you feel guilty so he can do what you did guilt free. Tit for tat is never ever a good idea. He may be shopping around for a new girlfriend but keeping you until then. My ex fiance cheated as you did and I broke it off never to see her again. Good thing too as he went on to cheat on the guy she married and is now married to a woman.

 

My advice is to move on as he will never forget what you did. Although trust can be regained over a long time, it will never be the same as it once was. He will accuse you of cheating every time you did something suspicious like working late, going to the Mall, going out with the girls or anything that sets off his alarm. You will either accept the fact that he is going to bring it up for years or move on and start fresh.

 

BTW, how did he find out? Did you tell him? That is a mistake in my book since the only one who feels better afterwards is the one who dumped their guilt on their partner and destroyed their happy world. You are not yet married do get out when you can without having to go through the life changing process of divorce which will all but bankrupt the both of you. He is doing what every professional says is the wrong way to reconcile. Go find someone else and just resolve not to cheat on him.

[Truley33]

It is difficult to edit posts on my iPad. I wish to stress the cheating is your issue to deal with AND only yours. The question you face is how you become a person strong enough that no matter what, you will not cheat.

 

The relationship issues are for both of you. If the cheating issue is not mostly settled and growth seen by the betrayed the issues in the relationship will be seen as an excuse and justification.

 

Some other books include "love busters" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". Note: the one thing all these books have in common is they show what a healthy marriage includes but how to get there. I suggest if you had read and internalized them you would not be in the situation you are currently in.

 

 

 

Okay, I will check them out, Thank you! And no I will never cheat on anyone ever in my life. I will end the relationship before that will ever happen. This is not something I ever want to go through again.

[wmacbride]

The BJ was the trade off, to get the attention she craved.

Women often feel pressurised to reward men with sexual favours, by giving the BJ, she was trying to keep the attention coming her way.

 

OP - leave you fiancé immediately. DO NOT say you love him as there is very little love here. He is just using you, he doesn't deserve your love..

One sided "love" affairs do not work, as you are finding out, it hurts all the time... YOU cannot make people love you, care for you, treat you the way you want to be treated, and want what is best for you.

 

1) he is not giving you any thing back, you give he just takes and takes and takes and now he knows he can blackmail you to accept even more of this master/slave arrangement.

2) you will always feel beholden to him, he is already using your cheating to gain a Hall Pass, a "Hall Pass" I guess he used long before he found out you were cheating... He is not going out and talking to other girls to discuss the weather is he?

He is moving on and as soon as he finds another "slave" he will dump you all together.

 

YOU can't "fix" this.

 

Run far away and do not look back.

DO NOT marry him.

 

Sorry, but I don't feel one iota of sympathy for the op. That's not to say I think she's a bad person, but she is incredibly immature and no better than her husband int hat regard.

 

btw, why are you are trying to blame him by running him down? Would you still be so forgiving if it was a guy who was saying the sorts of things about his wife/girlfriend?

 

Don;t forget we are only hearing her side of the story here. Not his.

[wmacbride]

Sounds like he found a way to have his cake and eat it too. He makes you feel guilty so he can do what you did guilt free. Tit for tat is never ever a good idea. He may be shopping around for a new girlfriend but keeping you until then. My ex fiance cheated as you did and I broke it off never to see her again. Good thing too as he went on to cheat on the guy she married and is now married to a woman.

 

My advice is to move on as he will never forget what you did. Although trust can be regained over a long time, it will never be the same as it once was. He will accuse you of cheating every time you did something suspicious like working late, going to the Mall, going out with the girls or anything that sets off his alarm. You will either accept the fact that he is going to bring it up for years or move on and start fresh.

 

BTW, how did he find out? Did you tell him? That is a mistake in my book since the only one who feels better afterwards is the one who dumped their guilt on their partner and destroyed their happy world. You are not yet married do get out when you can without having to go through the life changing process of divorce which will all but bankrupt the both of you. He is doing what every professional says is the wrong way to reconcile. Go find someone else and just resolve not to cheat on him.

 

How about the op actually be encouraged to take some responsibility for her actions?

 

What will it be the next time she decides she's not getting enough attention at home and has an affair? Who will she blame then?

 

Op, I'm not trying to run you down at all, just pointing out the obvious. You already know that this is all on you. You weren't happy, and you chose to have oral sex. as you put it:

 

"Anyway, another guy at work started showing me attention and i fell into it. I hate myself now because my life is in shambles. But i nonstop texted the guy until one night I gave him a BJ. Ugh. I feel so sick saying it."

 

You pursued him with great fervor, and ended up giving hm oral sex, this shows planning, as any time during the texting, you could have stopped, yet you made the choice not to. That is not your boyfriend's fault, anymore than I can say his behavior is your fault. It really sounds like you both have to grow up a lot, which is to be expected from someone who is your age. You've been with this guy a long time and from a young age. How well do you really know who "you" are? I would suggest that you end your relationship and spend some time on your own. Learn who you are, what you need in a relationship and what makes you happy.

[knabe]

As you have realized, OP, once cheating is on the table, none of your marital complaints hold water. Besides the moral wrongness of cheating, that's one of the side effects - any unhappiness you may have had, all his laziness and entitlement...none of it is relevant anymore.

 

That is why the best thing to do when your SO if being selfish and lazy and neglectful is to just leave. Because if you cheat, he immediately becomes the better person.

[Starlightsfall]

I just joined so, please don't let my 1 post fool you.. I've been cheated on for 2 years out of 4 years in commitment and it has never left me ever since. It hurts to know someone you love is doing something unfaithful in any way. This guy sounds like my ex, who ate my food, never spoke to me and treated our relationship as a Mother/son connection, WHILE I payed rent, food and took care of their dog. I was never pregnant by him, but given you are this makes things more complicated. He is using you for an easy life, maid service and is going out with other girls, while you are at home asking him to give you the attention, that he is giving other woman. You're never going to get him to take you out and if this is expressed to the point where he does, it won't be GENUINE. Did you do something horrible? Yes..that is pretty bad.. That does NOT = a hall pass and if you allow him to do this, it will be seriously..incredibly painful. It doesn't seem like he has much pain, when the next thought is "Where am I going to get my piece of ass?" IF he hasn't already! It is hard to end a relationship when you have both feet in the water and I know it is incredibly difficult to abandon everything you built. (Years of it) You've got to remove yourself from this because the relationship is already over, once one of you becomes unfaithful. The thought will never leave and he is going to repeat images in his head of you giving another a blowjob. Its to make you feel the pain that he (MIGHT) be feeling, which I doubt. Take the plunge and LEAVE! Everyone has given you advice and its easy to mute everything around you when wanting things to work..its not going to..

Edited July 31, 2017 by Starlightsfall

[drifter777]

An engagement period is a test to see just how compatible you guys are when the chips are down. You both failed. You want to live the single life for a while and have sexual relationships with whoever you want whenever you want. He seems very immature. These are exceptionally good reasons to break off the engagement and start your adult life over. Getting stuck married to someone just because it's convenient is a recipe for more pain & agony than you can imagine. You are going to want other men and he's going to remain immature - these are the facts.

[GunslingerRoland]

You guys have been together since you were kids, and you haven't really known anything else. Are you sure it's the right relationship for either of you, or is it just comfortable? Because it doesn't sound like you guys have the same life in mind at all. And you are clearly both keeping an eye on other people.

 

You either need to figure out a way to enjoy life together, or think about going your separate ways. Just because you've been together for 8 years already, doesn't mean that at 24 you should be resigning yourself to a life with someone you don't really enjoy your time with.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My husband and I have been together since we were 16 and 18. We were kids.

Lots of folks are kids when they get together. But they grow up... learn to be responsible and accountable for their own actions.. and learn how to compromise and forgive.

 

Everyone makes mistakes and everyone makes bad decisions. The growth and maturity come when you learn from those mistakes and decisions.... not when we use those mistakes and decisions as excuses to make more mistakes and bad decisions.

 

Part of growing up is owning what we have done .. being accountable not only to ourselves for what we have done but to others as well. It means not blaming others for those things but accept responsibility .. learning from it and becoming a better person.

 

Your fiancé has made many mistakes.. but those mistakes don't then give you an excuse to make even more mistakes and your mistakes don't give him an excuse to make even more mistakes. You see where this is going?

 

Somebody has to step up and stop the cycle of blaming the other one to validate more bad behavior. And if the relationship is too toxic to do that... it is better to get out of the relationship.

 

Knabe was right... your fiancé made bad decisions.. and you used those to make even worse decisions.. which make his pale in comparison.

 

Are the two of you together a good and responsible couple? Do you complement each other and bring out the best in each other? Do you work together as a team? Or do the two of you live in the same house... thinking only of yourselves with disregard to what being a couple really means?

[Doorstopper]

Somebody has to step up and stop the cycle of blaming the other one to validate more bad behavior.

 

 

I wish I could take some of your quotes and put them in a book. They provide an accurate commentary not just on cheating, but on life in general; A guide to obtain, and maintain happiness.

[whichwayisup]

I used to be so full of life and happy, and confident. Now, I literally wish a car would hit me at an intersection and end my life. Things werent great before but they werent bad. NOW they are worse. And I cannot see how my life can get better. What do I do? How do I ignore the thought of a Hall Pass? How do I stop letting him constantly on his phone torture me? How do I find my happiness again?

 

**Sorry I feel like I'm all over the place with my story, etc, but im a mess.....

 

Do counseling. Your choices are a reflection of unhappiness and fact now your fiance wants to do as he pleases to make it equal isn't right (2 wrongs don't make a right!) and it will do more damage to your relationship. Put your wedding on hold and take time alone to think about if he is the 'one' for you. Something is broken inside of you and that needs to be fixed. Cheating and gaining attention from other men isn't a fix, it's false sense of security and patch. The problems you and your fiance have are deep and won't go away unless you two communicate and learn to listen to one another. He isn't meeting your needs, you give and he takes.

 

No man should be your only source of happiness.

[Sweetfish]

 

LIFE is about growing up, we are all, no matter the age, constantly growing and learning and run into our own catastrophes and disasters and this is mine. I am devastated. Whether, we both need to "grow up" or not is not the issue. The issue is the problem at hand while at the mentality at hand

 

I am sorry but this is childish thinking... You said your boyfriend is at home playing with stocks (question is at what level), on forums, and playing video games. You, work, clean, pregnant, and going to school.

 

so your 24 right? You fit perfectly in what I see very often. The 20 something year old in love with the guy who is not worth a dime and the decent women who chases them... bypassing all the good decent men at your prime age.

 

Being an adult is not about climbing out of catastrophic situations.. its about proper planning for ones self, future, and family. Yes, I agree relationship have low points and I commend you for sticking it thru... But I disagree with your direction. One thing you need to have is foresight and your worried about now.. This is just the beginning sweet heart.. Wait till your a nurse and working odd hours, your cooking and cleaning and feeding two mouths and changing diapers. That is when you will crack.

 

Any guy who jokes about you having a **** in your mouth and wanting a hall pass my bet he doesn't really care. When you bring another body in this world its unfair to bring he/she in such a childish environment and its your responsibility to find an individual that will support you and the family responsibly. Once the child is born their is no reverse and you life forever changes. You want to take the hard route that's up to you...but any responsible women would dump this guy.

[Bastile]

The major issue here is that you are bringing a child into this. That was completely irresponsible of you.

 

I'm of the mind that children should be raised in a traditional monogamous arrangement.

 

I'm also becoming of the mind that a type of polyamory makes sense in just about every other conceivable way.

 

You are bringing a child into a relationship that isn't even defined. Why are you doing that? Have you even given this stuff any sort of thought?

Edited August 13, 2017 by Bastile

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by Truley33

The issue is the problem at hand while at the mentality at hand

 

Your problem at hand is that you are in emotional bondage to your BF and you have done something (betrayal) that has made you feel less than human. Furthermore, you are weak.

 

Your first step is that you have to get strong enough to put this man completely out of your life. Do not let your emotions overrule the facts; this man is not going to help you get better. Love is not proven by words but by actions and his actions are opposite his words of love for you.

How do I ignore the thought of a Hall Pass?

By building up your self-esteem, emotions, and spirit. Then the “Hall Pass’ will not be a significant factor

 

How do I stop letting him constantly on his phone torture me?

By building up your self-esteem, emotions, and spirit.

 

How do I find my happiness again?

By building up your self-esteem, emotions, and spirit.

 

Get all the help that you can that also includes friends, family, faith, community services, counseling, etc.

 

You must take action even though you may feel like you are too weak. You are not too weak.

 

You only have two choices:

 

1 You can continue to not take the actions as you have been advised and continue to be a door mat.

 

2 You can force yourself to take actions, get all the help available, and NEVER give up. This will get you a LOT better in time.

 

You are a valuable person but you will have to get help and take actions so that someday you believe and realize that you are valuable. You can get better by the month but it will take many months before you are happy and contented with yourself.

 

Sorry my dear but the reality is that your actions, hard work, persistence, and getting help is the only way you are going to stop being tormented. Get going today and NO EXCUSES!

 

Millions of women have got a Lot better and so can you!

[MrVegas]

Plenty of good advice here already, what I want to add is that even with everything else aside, a hall pass is an exceptionally dumb idea.

 

Forgiveness is not about getting even. Saying said hall pass hasn't been used already several times (all evidence points to that being the case), he takes said pass and uses it and now what?

 

He forgives you? Or more likely he point's out that your betrayal was "worse" or some other justification to keep using said hall pass. Or maybe he goes to far with his hall pass and now you need your own mini hall pass to catch up.

 

If you felt bad that you backed the car into a post, you wouldn't entertain him backing the car into another post just to be even, because that fixes nothing.

 

Your relationship was designed for two pair of genitals, any more and you have a problem. So why would letting him add to the equation further fix anything. Begin the healing or begin the moving on.

 

MV