She is seeing someone else

[clist8511]

@simpleNfit

 

Very unhealthy. She was emotionally abusive in some ways and my mental health really took a turn for the worse. Of course, there were things I must have done that hurt her, too. I am codependent also, so that was my unhealthy contribution to it all. Add to that the fact that we were very incompatible… when I’m writing it down I have to almost laugh, I seem so desperate to get back to something I know isn’t nice. But I know that those feelings are coming from issues I have with myself.

 

You’re right. Idealising and romanticising is so dangerous, and you really have to keep reminding yourself of the REALITY of everything. That’s so accurate. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through pain too, I really do wish you the best and that things improve.

 

You saying “let go” - that’s really kind of shaken me up slightly. Like no one has said that to me yet. I feel like I’ve really been holding on (didn’t help that she would often break up with me/get back together, even after two months on one occasion) but… I do need to let go, don’t I. It’s over.

[BC1980]

Today, I feel really very frustrated with this situation. I feel almost angry; in fact I do feel angry. I feel angry that I even have to do this whole ‘No Contact’ thing with someone I just want to talk to. I feel angry that this is the only way out of the situation, and I almost feel like breaking NC out of anger – a kind of breaking the ‘rules’, if you will.

 

Neither of us have each other’s number – the only way I can message her is to create an Instagram account and then DM her. Of course, from my side that seems quite rational, and the last time I did it she responded relatively OK. But from her side, if I did it again I’m sure she’d get annoyed – to be fair, so would I. If someone I broke up with kept making IG accounts and messaging me to ‘talk’, it would be stopping me from moving on, and yeah, I think while I’d try to be understanding, it would be slightly irritating. Who really wants an ex popping up when you’re trying to move on?

 

I feel annoyed that this is the situation I’m in. There is literally nothing I can do. I have one person IRL to talk to about this, and it’s difficult when I’m starting to feel paranoid about talking about this again and again.

 

I am in NC but I am not feeling any relief, my mind is still very much on my ex. I just want to be out, to be free of this. And while my ex said that she is in fact single and healing from this, of course she will move on at some point. And the thought of that is so upsetting.

 

I am doing everything I can (bar the contact after 10 weeks NC) to move on from this and I still feel very much fixated on her. It’s been I think… wait, well I last spoke to her in October, then at the end of December so what, three months? I feel like I have gone mad. She broke up with me in July and I was fine and dealing with things well until September when we slept together. Then that awful month of contact we had until I went NC in October. It’s such a mess. I just want to feel better.

 

10 weeks isn't very long. I remember being pretty depressed for about 3 months. The first year was pretty hard too. A lot of people seem to be tempted into breaking NC in the first 3 months or so. The curiosity seems to peak about this time on both sides. It's gets worse before if gets better.

 

Another note. She'll be more than irritated if you make another social media account to contact her. She might see it as borderline stalking. I know you don't see it that way, and I don't think you intend it that way. I think you are feeling the way a lot of people do after breakups, and you aren't thinking clearly. But see it from her perspective. At a point, it goes beyond feeling sorry for an ex, and it gets weird for a dumper. She doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't want you in her life anymore. Think about that any time you feel an urge to contact her.

 

Final note. What are you doing to move forward and start a new life? Just staying in NC with no personal growth or goals will not help you move on. It will just pass the time.

[Gr8fuln2020]

@simpleNfit

 

Very unhealthy. She was emotionally abusive in some ways and my mental health really took a turn for the worse. Of course, there were things I must have done that hurt her, too. I am codependent also, so that was my unhealthy contribution to it all. Add to that the fact that we were very incompatible… when I’m writing it down I have to almost laugh, I seem so desperate to get back to something I know isn’t nice. But I know that those feelings are coming from issues I have with myself.

 

You’re right. Idealising and romanticising is so dangerous, and you really have to keep reminding yourself of the REALITY of everything. That’s so accurate. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through pain too, I really do wish you the best and that things improve.

 

You saying “let go” - that’s really kind of shaken me up slightly. Like no one has said that to me yet. I feel like I’ve really been holding on (didn’t help that she would often break up with me/get back together, even after two months on one occasion) but… I do need to let go, don’t I. It’s over.

 

The reality is that any reconciliation is not going to be met with a healthy foundation. Nothing has changed. Like I said, my ex has a history of holding on too long and that has been destructive. Let go. You are not only letting go of her, but also the pain, the tumultuous nature and source of your unhappiness. She represents, the past relationship represents what is WRONG, not right. Romantic endings happen when both people are healthy, not emotionally fragile. Let go, to let you go heal. Her to heal. It doesn't mean you didn't love her.

 

I did the same thing. I created this fantasy despite the red flags. I WANTED her to be something else. That was not fair. I wanted what I once had in an earlier relationship so bad that I allowed this fantasy to supplant the reality. I loved her! She loved me. But it was not enough. As soon as the veneer of the fantasy started to crack, it didn't take long for things to crash. In a cosmic sense, we never should have been together. We forced the fates to bend to our desires, but at the expense of both of us. Let go. Let her find her real world and you, yours.

 

Again, all of this does not mean that the love you felt. She felt was not real. It was. Let the ones you love you go.

Edited January 8, 2018 by simpleNfit

[Highndry]

I think it's time for you to start dating other women. You are fixated on the past, and it's doing nothing for you. Move forward.

[clist8511]

I think it's time for you to start dating other women. You are fixated on the past, and it's doing nothing for you. Move forward.

 

I really do appreciate this reply and the time you've taken out to do so.

 

However, I don't believe the answer to this situation is to start dating other women. I've had two failed relationships within the past four years; the last thing I want to do is become involved with anyone else. I want time on my own, to work through my own issues. There are other ways to move forward, life is not all about relationships and dating.

 

I tried to 'date', actually - it didn't work. I was rejected by the woman I was seeing and it caused a lot more pain than I think it should have; so no, I am not ready to do that.

 

I may be fixated, yes - That's the reason I am posting here and seeking advice and trying to move on by doing other things like improving myself. Also, it is only 10, 11 or 12 weeks out of an almost three year, emotionally taxing and unhealthy relationship that affected my mental health significantly; I doubt it would help me to put those issues onto another woman, or to get unhealthily attached to another woman while I am still dealing with residual issues caused by the last relationship.

 

It's very very easy to just say "move forward" but if it was that simple and easy, I would have done it months ago. I can't help the way I am feeling about a person, and I'm not going to force myself to date others just so I can get over it. That's a recipe for disaster. No thanks.

Edited January 9, 2018 by clist8511

[clist8511]

10 weeks isn't very long. I remember being pretty depressed for about 3 months. The first year was pretty hard too. A lot of people seem to be tempted into breaking NC in the first 3 months or so. The curiosity seems to peak about this time on both sides. It's gets worse before if gets better.

 

Another note. She'll be more than irritated if you make another social media account to contact her. She might see it as borderline stalking. I know you don't see it that way, and I don't think you intend it that way. I think you are feeling the way a lot of people do after breakups, and you aren't thinking clearly. But see it from her perspective. At a point, it goes beyond feeling sorry for an ex, and it gets weird for a dumper. She doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't want you in her life anymore. Think about that any time you feel an urge to contact her.

 

Final note. What are you doing to move forward and start a new life? Just staying in NC with no personal growth or goals will not help you move on. It will just pass the time.

 

Of course. While the situation is difficult, previously I wouldn't have even considered it from her side. I totally agree with you; it would just look like I was stalking her and she would lose sympathy. While what you've written was really actually very hard to read and to realise, it's true. I guess that's where dignity on my side comes in; it would be embarrassing for me to break NC again and.. I don't really have any concrete reason to do so, other than missing her.

 

I suppose 10 weeks isn't that long, no. I've felt a lot of pressure to be 'over' it at this stage, and while some people may work like that I do think I'm just a bit slower in terms of processing things and moving on. When you have things like codependency and attachment issues, it's not that easy to just 'move on!', despite wishing it was.

 

What am I doing? Well, I WANT to do lots of things. I want to start running again and I also want to learn the piano (I've bought a keyboard) - I'm also returning to university next week so that in itself is a big distraction.

 

I haven't been running or working out or learning the instrument because I have been so depressed that it was hard for me to even leave my bedroom. I do recognise that I need to try a bit harder in that respect.

[BC1980]

What am I doing? Well, I WANT to do lots of things. I want to start running again and I also want to learn the piano (I've bought a keyboard) - I'm also returning to university next week so that in itself is a big distraction.

 

I haven't been running or working out or learning the instrument because I have been so depressed that it was hard for me to even leave my bedroom. I do recognise that I need to try a bit harder in that respect.

 

Those are really good goals. It gives you something positive to do, and it's not related to your relationship. Some of the best advice I got was to begin to make new memories. Anytime you want to cling to the past, create a new memory. It begins to work over time because you start to develop and identity outside of the relationship.

 

Maybe you can try to get up and work out every day. Staying on a schedule helps a lot.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Of course. While the situation is difficult, previously I wouldn't have even considered it from her side. I totally agree with you; it would just look like I was stalking her and she would lose sympathy. While what you've written was really actually very hard to read and to realise, it's true. I guess that's where dignity on my side comes in; it would be embarrassing for me to break NC again and.. I don't really have any concrete reason to do so, other than missing her.

 

I suppose 10 weeks isn't that long, no. I've felt a lot of pressure to be 'over' it at this stage, and while some people may work like that I do think I'm just a bit slower in terms of processing things and moving on. When you have things like codependency and attachment issues, it's not that easy to just 'move on!', despite wishing it was.

 

What am I doing? Well, I WANT to do lots of things. I want to start running again and I also want to learn the piano (I've bought a keyboard) - I'm also returning to university next week so that in itself is a big distraction.

 

I haven't been running or working out or learning the instrument because I have been so depressed that it was hard for me to even leave my bedroom. I do recognise that I need to try a bit harder in that respect.

 

 

How long has it been since you have contacted her? Have you not tried to contact her in 10 weeks? I thought so, but then you said something about December?

 

 

You say that "it would just look like I was stalking her and she would lose sympathy". Why do you want her sympathy? I also have a VERY difficult time with break-ups. I am an over-thinker and I feel absolutely out of control when it comes to contacting my ex. I have stopped. I was ignored anyway. But, I NEVER wanted her sympathy. I wanted her love, her passion, her fire... but never sympathy. I NEVER wanted her to pity me. So, I found your statement here interesting. Why would you want to elicit that response in her?

 

 

 

I, also, found that keeping a schedule is of utmost importance for me. I know I have to work, take care of my house, dogs, and workout everyday. I feel if I can keep up with those things, then, hopefully, I will be able to broaden the scope when I feel up to it. Try to get a routine going and stick to it, no matter how you may feel that day.

 

 

May I ask your age?

 

 

10 weeks is a big deal. I know people may say it is not long. And it probably isn't in the grand scheme of life, but it certainly feels like it, when you are in the midst of it. You will either contact her or you won't. Either way, you will be ok. You will move on. You really don't have a choice, ya know? She is gone. You can't make her come back.

 

 

Good luck friend.

[clist8511]

@CantTakeMySmile

Well, we had our sort of ‘last’ contact in October sometime, or just at the end of September I can’t remember. It was 10 weeks from then that I went into strict NC, until the last time I contacted her which was just at the end of December. And I haven’t contacted her since that.

 

Sympathy? I’m not sure. For me, it feels as if her sympathy is tied in with her ‘caring’ about me. I understand we won’t get back together. I think I have accepted that part. Sympathy as in her feeling at least a small amount of care, enough to interact and engage with me and not rudely tell me to go away (as she has done many times since I’ve known her) - I think sympathy is just the last thing I can expect to get from her. That’s probably indicative of how low I am.

 

I’m 33. Perhaps I should just grow up and stop being stupid.

 

Thank you for your words of support. It sounds like you are/have made progress with your routine. I really want to get to that point. I do feel that day by day I am getting there. For example, I wasn’t cleaning the house or keeping up with personal hygiene… now I won’t go at least a day or two without making sure things are tidy/having a good hot bath. The progress feels slow. I wish I could force myself to do it faster, but then I feel overwhelmed.

[igotoverit]

Hi...

 

I've come to this forum as I don't know where else to turn. My now ex partner (two year long r'ship, both female, she only dated guys before me) broke up with me a mere matter of weeks ago. We'd broken up before so I didn't really TRULY take it seriously. Tonight, we were messaging... she said she couldn't really talk because she was getting ready to go out, and needed to wash her hair. I said OK, when you get in? She replied that she wouldn't be back home until the next morning.

 

I didn't really think anything of this, but a few hours later I was feeling like something was off, so I asked her if she was seeing someone else. She said yes. So basically, she's seeing someone else and they're already at the point of sleeping over at each other's houses.

 

This information ended up in me having a panic attack and darting out of the house into a cab to my friend's house two miles away. When I got there she was obviously asleep so I had to come home, and I spent the entire night (and still am) crying, and on the phone to various suicide/depression helplines.

 

The reason this has hurt me so much is because it's a repeat of a situation that happened in the relationship I was in before her - I was dumped for someone else.

 

There also seems to be no break between myself and whoever this person is, no cooling off period, nothing. All the false claims of wanting to focus on her career, no time for relationship.

 

I'm in so much shock that this has happened again, and also that it seems to have been taking place while we were still somewhat involved with each other. She won't tell me who it is or any of that, and I'm not sure I want to know. But I am really, really hurt. I can't sleep. I feel like being sick. She's turned her phone off, so they are obviously in bed together RIGHT NOW which is driving me mad. I can't even shut my eyes for a minute without picturing it all.

 

I don't know if it's a man or a woman she's with, or where they met, how long etc. All I know is that I am devastated. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. The thought of them being intimate, her being all flirty and happy with someone else when I am here, hurting like this. She doesn't even care. She's turned her phone off to go and be with that person. I'm just a no one, now.

 

I've been hurt so many times that I just don't even have the energy to get involved with anyone ever again. Is there anyone who can suggest ways in which I can start to get over this, or something. I feel like I've been killed, I'm just sitting here staring into space.

 

 

 

This is the most common thing we face when are hearts chose somebody and they aren't with us. We torture ourselves over thoughts of who they are with. Reality is, that everyone on this planet wants to fall in love, if they aren't with you, then chances are they are eventually going to be with someone else. When you have no contact with someone, or even if you do, and your relationship is not romantic, the chances of them remaining single for the rest of their lives is slim. it's inevitable that they are going to eventually be with another person. They will infact find someone and be in the honey moon phase which is what we torture ourselves over.

 

 

Most cases, the situation is not exactly as we see it in our head, obsessive thoughts about this are hard to get out of but they are self distructive. There are easy steps to take to get out of this thinking but they are still very difficult.

 

 

A very popular way to get yourself out of the obsessive thinking of him or her with someone else is an elastic band. You have to want to do the work to get out of this very unhealthy and painful way of thinking. Everytime you picture your ex with another women then fling the elastic band around your wrist. After you do this, take a deep breath and think of something in your life you are thankful for. The process of getting over someone is getting back in with yourself and your own life. I hope I didn't cross any lines by giving you this advice. You have to want to get rid of the obsessive thinking.

Edited January 11, 2018 by igotoverit

[CantTakeMySmile]

@CantTakeMySmile

Well, we had our sort of ‘last’ contact in October sometime, or just at the end of September I can’t remember. It was 10 weeks from then that I went into strict NC, until the last time I contacted her which was just at the end of December. And I haven’t contacted her since that.

 

Sympathy? I’m not sure. For me, it feels as if her sympathy is tied in with her ‘caring’ about me. I understand we won’t get back together. I think I have accepted that part. Sympathy as in her feeling at least a small amount of care, enough to interact and engage with me and not rudely tell me to go away (as she has done many times since I’ve known her) - I think sympathy is just the last thing I can expect to get from her. That’s probably indicative of how low I am.

 

I’m 33. Perhaps I should just grow up and stop being stupid.

 

Thank you for your words of support. It sounds like you are/have made progress with your routine. I really want to get to that point. I do feel that day by day I am getting there. For example, I wasn’t cleaning the house or keeping up with personal hygiene… now I won’t go at least a day or two without making sure things are tidy/having a good hot bath. The progress feels slow. I wish I could force myself to do it faster, but then I feel overwhelmed.

 

 

What was the result when you tried to contact her last?

 

 

Ok, now I understand more about the sympathy. You want to reach out to her to see how she responds and to see if she will show caring behavior towards you.

 

 

 

It sounds like you are making progress. I have to keep telling myself everyday to ...just keep moving...I can't stay still. Not literally, but I have to "move" forward in some way each day. I set small goals for myself. Like, I will get the deck cleaned today. Or I will make all my weekly meals today. It doesn't matter what it is really. I have learned to build things out of wood. I read way more than I probably should...lol... So, then at night, instead of thinking of her, I think of what I have accomplished and what is on my to do list for the next day. '

 

 

Waking up without her in the middle of the night is the worse, so instead of running the movie through my mind of how much I miss her, I try to think of my list.

 

 

Probably silly, but anything that takes my focus off of her, it is what I do.

[clist8511]

I used to have a friend who would always commend me on my decision to remain single after a break up, stating that she was unable to cope with the subsequent pain of a break up, even though she knew that this was highly unhealthy. I am wondering if I am the same. I am also starting to wonder whether there is something wrong with me, for not getting over this sooner. I'm starting to feel paranoid for posting here so often, but I find this more helpful than counselling/talking to a friend.

 

@CantTakeMySmile : she was OK when we spoke last. She seemed to be OK with talking to me, but did not respond when I told her how I was feeling. We agreed to move on and take some time apart, and she stated "who knows what the future holds, but for now while emotions are running high we shouldn't try to be friends" - she also stated that she was "taking it one day at a time" so I take that to mean she may be finding it hard, too. Who knows.

[CantTakeMySmile]

@CantTakeMySmile : she was OK when we spoke last. She seemed to be OK with talking to me, but did not respond when I told her how I was feeling. We agreed to move on and take some time apart, and she stated "who knows what the future holds, but for now while emotions are running high we shouldn't try to be friends" - she also stated that she was "taking it one day at a time" so I take that to mean she may be finding it hard, too. Who knows.

 

 

When was that? So, it was kinda a mutual decision that you both agreed on? Are you able to move on with her comment of "who knows what the future holds"?

 

 

I might have missed this somewhere in the thread (or forgotten) but why can't you be with her now?

[clist8511]

When was that? So, it was kinda a mutual decision that you both agreed on? Are you able to move on with her comment of "who knows what the future holds"?

 

 

I might have missed this somewhere in the thread (or forgotten) but why can't you be with her now?

 

That was in December, the last contact I have mentioned.

 

The "who knows" comment was about possible friendship

 

I can't be with her because she doesn't want me or the relationship.

[BC1980]

That was in December, the last contact I have mentioned.

 

The "who knows" comment was about possible friendship

 

I can't be with her because she doesn't want me or the relationship.

 

Have you been in NC since December? If so, that's not nearly long enough to have moved on.

[clist8511]

Have you been in NC since December? If so, that's not nearly long enough to have moved on.

 

Yes, since December. No, I suppose it isn't a long time

[BC1980]

Yes, since December. No, I suppose it isn't a long time

 

It's not much time. You can't move on unless you are in NC, so I would count the time from that point. Otherwise, it's one step forward, two steps back, and you're just spinning your wheels.

[Jdoublenn]

You can't move on unless you are in NC

 

Actually, many people are able to move on from a relationship qutjut going NC.

 

NC helps a lot of people and is a great way to learn to cope with the absence but it is not the “only“ want to move on.

[donotmicrowave]

Actually, many people are able to move on from a relationship qutjut going NC.

 

NC helps a lot of people and is a great way to learn to cope with the absence but it is not the “only“ want to move on.

 

The difference is that one is straight up torture, the other a quick band aid!

[BC1980]

Actually, many people are able to move on from a relationship qutjut going NC.

 

NC helps a lot of people and is a great way to learn to cope with the absence but it is not the “only“ want to move on.

 

I would never advocate that a dumpee remain in contact with a dumper. People that remain in contact with exes are the ones who are still posting about their ex a year or more later and can't figure out why they can't move on. People try to bargain with it early on because they think they are strong enough to follow an ex on social media or send a happy birthday text. It's just a bad idea.

[clist8511]

As much as I want to stay in contact with my ex, I know that it would just cause me even more pain. I'm still analysing the things she said to me three weeks ago; to be in daily contact with her would send me insane. In fact, it was sending me insane when her and I were in contact for those few months; If I had gone NC when she dumped me, I would be way ahead of where I am now.

 

No, NC is the only way out.

[BC1980]

As much as I want to stay in contact with my ex, I know that it would just cause me even more pain. I'm still analysing the things she said to me three weeks ago; to be in daily contact with her would send me insane. In fact, it was sending me insane when her and I were in contact for those few months; If I had gone NC when she dumped me, I would be way ahead of where I am now.

 

No, NC is the only way out.

 

Accepting that NC is the way forward is a big step. I remember bargaining for months and convincing myself I could be friends with my ex. I see a lot of posters on LS doing the same thing.

[clist8511]

Accepting that NC is the way forward is a big step. I remember bargaining for months and convincing myself I could be friends with my ex. I see a lot of posters on LS doing the same thing.

 

I just don't see what other option there is. Tell her how I feel and be rejected. Say we can be friends and torture myself. Find out she's with someone else and get hurt.

 

I feel like just messaging her. I feel like this is stupid. I don't know. I'm just fed up. I miss her so much and there's nothing I can do.

 

NC appears to be the only way out. It's not what I want at all.

[vickyp]

I just don't see what other option there is. Tell her how I feel and be rejected. Say we can be friends and torture myself. Find out she's with someone else and get hurt.

 

I feel like just messaging her. I feel like this is stupid. I don't know. I'm just fed up. I miss her so much and there's nothing I can do.

 

NC appears to be the only way out. It's not what I want at all.

 

Did you forget how horrible she was to you? Even during your relationship? Why are you confused on this? Nc is the only way, to be free, to be happy with yourself, and find someone who loves and appreciates you.break free once and for all.

[Highndry]

For those who take a little longer to heal than the rest, it's best to be careful not to wait too long to start dating again. There is a certain therapeutic value to meeting new prospective partners. It's amazing how past pain can melt away when new hope abounds.