She is seeing someone else

September 30, 2017

That's gonna happen. They're going to move on and find someone else. They're going to live the rest of their lives. Right now, you aren't living. This person who doesn't even have the ability to live you robbed you of it. This isn't someone who died. It's someone who decided you were not right for each other. And if they can't appreciate you and all the awesomeness you are, they are right. If someone doesn't love you and leaves you behind they are NOT right for you. You shouldn't want someone like that.

But emotions overtake reason a lot of the time. The emotions are too strong now. Time and new experiences are really the best healer for this situation. It wil fade the emotions and give you more perspective. Do everything you can to stop googling sht. Stop stalking, looking at pics, etc. you're prolonging your suffering that way.

September 30, 2017

It's normal to feel this way, but I can almost guarantee that your desire to be friends is subconsciously just you wanting a romantic relationship with her.

Once you are able to boost your self-esteem and figure out why you accepted such poor treatment from her, it's likely you won't have any desire to be in her life, romantically or as a friend.

September 30, 2017

Once you are able to boost your self-esteem and figure out why you accepted such poor treatment from her, it's likely you won't have any desire to be in her life, romantically or as a friend.

Perhaps I just deserved it. Maybe she was the 'normal' one and I messed everything up, who knows. The venom with which she tells me she never wants to speak to me again is usually, I thought, reserved for those people who've cheated on someone or done something particularly nasty. Not people who just don't want to be broken up with.

I'm in NC but I don't feel any better. I've tried going online to chat to other women and for the most part it's OK. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the effort-making and start crying because I don't have my ex anymore. Have to make all this effort to appear interesting, fun, sexy - I hate this. And I feel like it's pointless talking to these women. Will THEY dump me, too?

September 30, 2017

You don't feel any better because you're still somehow convinced that you deserved the mistreatment. It's a classic, vicious pattern for the emotionally abused.

September 30, 2017

Perhaps I just deserved it. Maybe she was the 'normal' one and I messed everything up, who knows. The venom with which she tells me she never wants to speak to me again is usually, I thought, reserved for those people who've cheated on someone or done something particularly nasty. Not people who just don't want to be broken up with.

I'm in NC but I don't feel any better. I've tried going online to chat to other women and for the most part it's OK. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the effort-making and start crying because I don't have my ex anymore. Have to make all this effort to appear interesting, fun, sexy - I hate this. And I feel like it's pointless talking to these women. Will THEY dump me, too?

Yo! Clist! I'm about to drop some mad reality check with you and you need to watch this video

. You better prepare yourself for this knowledge bomb. Listen to his words carefully

October 1, 2017

That video was really good. Worth the watch! Cheers

October 1, 2017

awesome vid

October 1, 2017

Yo! Clist! I'm about to drop some mad reality check with you and you need to watch this video
. You better prepare yourself for this knowledge bomb. Listen to his words carefully

Thank you. I really enjoyed listening to him talk and he makes a lot of sense.

October 6, 2017

Having a really tough time with a few things/people in my life and feeling like reaching out to my ex as she'd always offer advice, etc. Really want to just hear her voice or even see her.

(We're both female, no BE ALPHA comments here please)

October 6, 2017

Honestly, it really does just take time and NC to get over someone. For me, the emotional devastation caused by my ex-wife's infidelity and divorce threw me for a loop and the depression over the situation was what drove me to thinking about her. So I wasn't necessarily missing her; I had tunnel-vision and thought that talking to her would help pull me out of the funk caused by the situation.

My first step in moving forward was when I realized this fact and took action. That is when I went COMPLETELY NC; I blocked her on social media and her phone number. I kept in touch with her about various divorce issues over email and that was it.

And, I started keeping myself busier than I ever had before; I took on extra responsibilities at work, I joined a competitive billiards league, and I spent as much time away from the house as possible. I'm pretty introverted so this was hard for me to do but the alone time I used to treasure was driving me insane as I had too much time to think.

I know this is all easier said than done but it is possible.

October 6, 2017

It's been 5 months since we split, and it's been 4 months without any messages and 1 month full NC with social media and what not blocked.

In 5 months I have been to the gym and dieting, and that has lead me to loose a stone in weight and go down a trouser size, so it's been lovely working on me, and seeing women pay attention to me more. Also rather than having bad days, I now have bad weeks instead.

As much as I would love to go back on the dating scene, just to meet people and enjoy some female company (I'm not looking or ready for a relationship yet), I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want my ex seeing me back on Tinder or POF (she went back on there after 3 odd months), because I don't want to upset her, I think.

I dunno man, that sounds so F'd up, but it's true. The fact I dumped her because of her behaviour, and even now I think about her talking to me, and not wanting to hurt her, maybe I'm having a hard time of admitting to myself that it's over and it's time to move on and find new happiness. Last week I was on fire, happy being a single man and loving myself, this week, its been a downer.

I'm hoping for a better week, next week I have a faint twinge of wanting to message her and talk, but I know it won't cure anything, and just ruin both of our moving forward and healing. I do miss her.

Edited October 6, 2017 by MarvelFan1

October 8, 2017

@OatsAndHall - I think that’s really impressive, doing all of those things as an introvert. I’m a bit like that too… I’ve started university but when I’m with people I just feel overwhelmed and have nothing to say, really. I can’t do small talk, and something that doesn’t help is I get a bit flustered talking to people so I say the wrong thing and they get confused so I just don’t say anything. It all just makes things so much harder.

NC is horrible. The longer I don’t speak to her the more likely it is that she’ll forget about me and end up moving on with someone else. I don’t see NC as something that’s helping me, at all. I just see it as giving her space to move on. This is the worst thing in the world.

October 8, 2017

I'm still in NC. I don't have access to any of her social media and I don't look, anyway. I'm finding this to be the hardest thing in the world, to be honest. I'm finding it a difficult concept to understand. I'm finding it scary, too. The longer I don't contact her is the longer I'm out of the way so she can forget about me.

I tried going on a date last week and I really liked the woman but she said after the date she just wanted to be friends - that really stung more than it should have and I just ended up feeling sad about my ex. Sad because I knew that I didn't have to impress my ex on a date, I already know her.

I really miss my ex. I wish none of this was happening. I don't feel like NC is helping but everything I read says it gets better although I don't feel like that. I feel empty and I miss her and just want to see her. I really hate this. I'm very tempted to just message her or call her even though I know what kind of response I'm likely to get.

October 8, 2017

I find myself really thinking about what I'd say if I contacted her, and Googling really crazy things like "text to make your ex want to see you again" - I know it all sounds obsessive, but I'm really freaking out. I have no idea why I want to speak to her but I'm feeling really tense and I have non one to talk to about any of this.

What's annoying is that my therapist keeps taking breaks - I'm not seeing her for about two weeks now - I don't get how it can be helpful when it's not consistent. There doesn't seem to be a point, I can't even remember the last time I saw her.

I mean, I feel like just saying "f*** it, I'll just send her one message" - I really can't envision this getting any easier.

Another thing that doesn't help is that sometimes she DOES agree to seeing me (as she did last time when we saw each other) it feels like sometimes she calms down and agrees to talking or meeting up. She never seems to disappear entirely. Even when she's said everything like it's over, etc etc. She comes back.

Edited October 8, 2017 by clist8511

October 8, 2017

Nc is about you. In healing and moving on. You were in a toxic relationship, why on earth would you want to be with her again? So the same pattern can happen again and again. So you went on a date, and it didn't go as plan. Great. Look at it as a learning experience. Look ast it as what you want and need in a relationship. My relationship was similar to yours. As I said in my coping post I contacted my dumper to let him know of the game he was playing. He denied it, still put the blame on me and still called me a cun#. This is 5 mths of nc. But I am ok with it. Because I know finally he wasn't for me. I know that I don't want someone to call me names, and make me feel like I have to walk on egg shells. Your relationship is like mine. So ask yourself again why on earth would you wan to be with her? You saw her, you slept with her and she left you. When are you going to stop torturing yourself and start thinking with your head and not your heart? If my ex were to call me today and say sorry blah blah blah I think I'd laugh an Hang up. Why? Because I deserve better and so do you. It hasn't been easy for me. Like a lot of folks here. But at the end of the day again by reading posts here and taking people's advice I'm getting to know my value. And that is I deserve someone awesome, because I'm awesome and so are you.

October 8, 2017

@OatsAndHall - I think that’s really impressive, doing all of those things as an introvert. I’m a bit like that too… I’ve started university but when I’m with people I just feel overwhelmed and have nothing to say, really. I can’t do small talk, and something that doesn’t help is I get a bit flustered talking to people so I say the wrong thing and they get confused so I just don’t say anything. It all just makes things so much harder.

NC is horrible. The longer I don’t speak to her the more likely it is that she’ll forget about me and end up moving on with someone else. I don’t see NC as something that’s helping me, at all. I just see it as giving her space to move on. This is the worst thing in the world.

I came very close to reconciling with my ex-wife on several occasions. I initially thought it was because I missed her but it was because I missed our life together. But, I had to wake up and realize that our life together was never going to be the same. I was never going to trust her and I was always going to question where she was and what she was doing when we weren't together. I was always tense and on-edge in the last few months of our relationship because she had done things to make me question her fidelity. And, I got chewed out and gaslighted every time I approached her about it.

And, I had to remind myself that our relationship had rarely been in a good place to begin with. My ex-wife was and still is an unstable and angry woman (it sounds like your ex is the same way) so I just needed to let go and move on. This wasn't a realization that I came to quickly either; it took months of separation for me to truly figure things out.

So, my long winded point is this; the NC may seem awful at the moment but it is truly necessary if you want to move on. Right now, it sounds like you need to make the decision to move on and let go. Trust me, I know this isn't easy, but it's just something that you'll need to do if you want to get back to the right frame of mind.

One of my best friends have me an excellent piece of advice when I first split with my ex-wife. His ex-wife had also had an affair and he had taken her back, just to have her pull the same crap. He said "'I'm not going to tell you whether or not to get a divorce but I am going to tell you that you can't let this become cyclical."

It certainly sounds like getting back together with your ex would be a cyclical situation.

October 8, 2017

Nc is about you. In healing and moving on. You were in a toxic relationship, why on earth would you want to be with her again? So the same pattern can happen again and again. So you went on a date, and it didn't go as plan. Great. Look at it as a learning experience. Look ast it as what you want and need in a relationship. My relationship was similar to yours. As I said in my coping post I contacted my dumper to let him know of the game he was playing. He denied it, still put the blame on me and still called me a cun#. This is 5 mths of nc. But I am ok with it. Because I know finally he wasn't for me. I know that I don't want someone to call me names, and make me feel like I have to walk on egg shells. Your relationship is like mine. So ask yourself again why on earth would you wan to be with her? You saw her, you slept with her and she left you. When are you going to stop torturing yourself and start thinking with your head and not your heart? If my ex were to call me today and say sorry blah blah blah I think I'd laugh an Hang up. Why? Because I deserve better and so do you. It hasn't been easy for me. Like a lot of folks here. But at the end of the day again by reading posts here and taking people's advice I'm getting to know my value. And that is I deserve someone awesome, because I'm awesome and so are you.

I don't know why I want to be with someone that treats me badly. From what I understand it's probably because I have low standards, weak boundaries and low self-esteem. I mean, the last time we spoke and I was kind of stalling saying 'goodbye' because I didn't want to go - she just said "this is dragging out, now". She doesn't really seem to act with a lot of compassion, sometimes. (That contact wasn't recent, btw).

Yet, I still find myself attached to her. I don't know why and I wish this wasn't the case.

I can't imagine being at 5 months NC like you. No contact at all??

October 8, 2017

I came very close to reconciling with my ex-wife on several occasions. I initially thought it was because I missed her but it was because I missed our life together. But, I had to wake up and realize that our life together was never going to be the same. I was never going to trust her and I was always going to question where she was and what she was doing when we weren't together. I was always tense and on-edge in the last few months of our relationship because she had done things to make me question her fidelity. And, I got chewed out and gaslighted every time I approached her about it.

And, I had to remind myself that our relationship had rarely been in a good place to begin with. My ex-wife was and still is an unstable and angry woman (it sounds like your ex is the same way) so I just needed to let go and move on. This wasn't a realization that I came to quickly either; it took months of separation for me to truly figure things out.

So, my long winded point is this; the NC may seem awful at the moment but it is truly necessary if you want to move on. Right now, it sounds like you need to make the decision to move on and let go. Trust me, I know this isn't easy, but it's just something that you'll need to do if you want to get back to the right frame of mind.

One of my best friends have me an excellent piece of advice when I first split with my ex-wife. His ex-wife had also had an affair and he had taken her back, just to have her pull the same crap. He said "'I'm not going to tell you whether or not to get a divorce but I am going to tell you that you can't let this become cyclical."

It certainly sounds like getting back together with your ex would be a cyclical situation.

I'm really sorry to hear you went through that infidelity, that must have been a crushing time. But also really good and inspiring to hear that you made it through it and now seem to be a lot stronger for it.

It would just keep repeating, yes. She has broken up with me many times and come back after a few days - even once coming back to me after two months away. Two months! That's a long time. Then yeah, breaking up with me again at some point.

Even up until the last time I saw her - cuddling, acting like a couple then immediately going home and acting disinterested. It's a constant cycle. Someone told me about the cycle of abuse - honeymoon...tension building...event...reconciliation... and round again. It feels like that's what I was going through. I don't know, anymore. But it would definitely happen again if we even got back together. It's always happened.

October 8, 2017

Even up until the last time I saw her - cuddling, acting like a couple then immediately going home and acting disinterested. It's a constant cycle. Someone told me about the cycle of abuse - honeymoon...tension building...event...reconciliation... and round again. It feels like that's what I was going through. I don't know, anymore. But it would definitely happen again if we even got back together. It's always happened.

I have a feeling my ex was like this with her previous partner, and if I did try to get back with her, I’d suffer the same fate...Why do we like to self destruct for the wrong people, eh.

October 9, 2017

Still in NC... feeling a mixture of things today. I really do miss her, but I know that contacting her will not do anything because she'll just do that cold and dismissive act, again. Suppose I feel slightly upset that she doesn't appear to miss me (no contact from her) and that these dumpers never really do seem to be upset.

October 9, 2017

I feel like I've just got sit on this forum, now. I really feel like contacting her and asking her to come over (why the hell am I even thinking that way, bearing in mind what happened last time?) I wish I wasn't going through this. It makes it worse that uni seems to be moving very slowly and nothing's really going on, and my loan company haven't paid me my student finance yet so I don't even have any money to do things to distract myself with, I've just got to stay in all the damn time!!

October 9, 2017

I feel like I've just got sit on this forum, now. I really feel like contacting her and asking her to come over (why the hell am I even thinking that way, bearing in mind what happened last time?) I wish I wasn't going through this. It makes it worse that uni seems to be moving very slowly and nothing's really going on, and my loan company haven't paid me my student finance yet so I don't even have any money to do things to distract myself with, I've just got to stay in all the damn time!!

You need to refocus your energy on something else. Even if you are broke right now, you can go for a walk or invite a friend over for coffee. You are still letting her have power over you by making her the center of your world. She is an awful person and everytime you contact her, you're showing her that you are weak and she can treat you any way she likes and you'll accept it. She can't make your current situation better, she'll inevitably make you stressed and feel worse about yourself.

October 13, 2017

I'm really sorry to hear you went through that infidelity, that must have been a crushing time. But also really good and inspiring to hear that you made it through it and now seem to be a lot stronger for it.

It would just keep repeating, yes. She has broken up with me many times and come back after a few days - even once coming back to me after two months away. Two months! That's a long time. Then yeah, breaking up with me again at some point.

Even up until the last time I saw her - cuddling, acting like a couple then immediately going home and acting disinterested. It's a constant cycle. Someone told me about the cycle of abuse - honeymoon...tension building...event...reconciliation... and round again. It feels like that's what I was going through. I don't know, anymore. But it would definitely happen again if we even got back together. It's always happened.

To be honest, the infidelity was the easiest part for me to move past because I just kept telling myself "they can have each other". And, that was the blunt reality for me as I didn't just lose all trust in her but I lost all respect as well. It was the drastic change in my world and my life that took me time to move past.

And yes, it certainly sounds like you are in a cyclical situation and that happens more often in relationships than people realize...

October 13, 2017

This is without a doubt the most painful experience I have been through in a very long time.

thank you to everyone that's replied so far. I feel stupid for dragging this out on here. Maybe I should have moved on by now

October 13, 2017

There isn't a time limit to move on. You'll have good days and bad days.

It isn't an overnight process or a week long process. It takes time.

And people don't mind helping-thats what this site is.

And know that you aren't the only one who has gone thru what your going thru. Its called a mistake. And people make them all the time.

But learn from it and become stronger from it. Don't let it define who you will be or become.

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