Well, she moved out and is getting a divorce

[misspalmy]

Well then, guess ill just have to start picking off her friends!

 

 

join at dating site, you dont need her. lots of nice girls out there,

[goodyblue]

I was OW. I am married to my guy and we are happy. The problem is, nobody can tell you what is going on with your girlfriend, you will just have to be open with her and see how it goes.

Edited July 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somanymistakes]

They had dinner together less than a week ago and she's going through major upheaval right now, how does this turn into "she's obviously moved on and is banging someone else"? It seems a little bit paranoid.

[elaine567]

Im struggling hard to not just check in at some point next week. But Im told thats not a strong move.

 

YOU know her best.

Why do you think she has disappeared? Is she the type to sit at home and wait for you to make the first move and will crawl into her shell if she thinks you do not care, or is she someone who hates being "smothered" and will come around in her own time or something in between?

 

Anyone can give you generic advice to give her loads of space, make her jealous, or bombard her with flowers and love tokens etc. all MAY work, but you need to work out what you think will work best FOR HER.

[OMSich]

YOU know her best.

Why do you think she has disappeared? Is she the type to sit at home and wait for you to make the first move and will crawl into her shell if she thinks you do not care, or is she someone who hates being "smothered" and will come around in her own time or something in between?

 

Anyone can give you generic advice to give her loads of space, make her jealous, or bombard her with flowers and love tokens etc. all MAY work, but you need to work out what you think will work best FOR HER.

 

Ive known her for almost 10 years now, yet Im drawing a bit of a blank here. Rather im going through a thousand scenarios which is part of my problem. She is going through so much and this situation is unique to us. She mentioned last week the fear of change and everything new that she faces is keeping her up at night a bit which is obviously understandable. Maybe we were hanging out too much right after she decided to move out and she felt a little smothered so soon. Also, her soon to be divorced husband has been very very overly nice through it all amd maybe she is feeling major guilt. Maybe something I said at dinner last week upset her as the sake was flowing for all of us.

 

We could go around in circles and I have been in my head doing just that. Which is why, to the advice of a friend I am going to start meditating to get my thoughts under control. Im a thinker. I always overthink. Its a weakness of mine. And I am probably doing so now.

 

Its not like she is just going to poof out of my life just like this. I think somanmistakes is right. In reality its only been days since we last spoke. Think about that. I think what we/she really needs is to just talk at some point. Let her talk. And talk some more. Not me convincing, or selling. But getting there is the problem now and my impatience and facing an unknown is my own problem. Im hoping this meditation (headspace app) will bring some peace and clarity in handling my own **** properly.

[elaine567]

Maybe something I said at dinner last week upset her as the sake was flowing for all of us.

 

OK, depending on what it was, I think that is probably more likely than anything else, OR her husband is making his pitch and she is not allowed to talk to you any more...

[OMSich]

OK, depending on what it was, I think that is probably more likely than anything else, OR her husband is making his pitch and she is not allowed to talk to you any more...

 

Thank you. I do remember whispering something sexual in her ear that perhaps was not appropriate. However, we are freaks n the sheets when things are hot n heavy, so the content may have been ok but the delivery/timing off. She was grabbing and holding my hand under the table at times so I let it fly lol. I did notice when I called the next morning she was raving about the dinner experience of the restaurant stating she was telling one of her friends at the gym but also didnt have that sweet voice,, etc and I could tell was annoyed with something. Again, the movers were arriving and has so much going on so who knows. But she answered, we spoke. Talk to you later, etc.. then when I called on Wed a day later before I had to leave town no answer. And thats been it. Perhaps I overthinking this? I try to put myself in her shoes. It must be tough to transition like this. Dealing with him AND me.

 

If its the husband, wouldnt it make sense if shes still going to work for my best friend (ill find out this week if thats the case) then communicating her needs of not being able to talk in respect for her husband is warranted?

[Art_Critic]

you think the husband isn't going to make a pitch for her, yes he is...

[pheonixrisen]

They had dinner together less than a week ago and she's going through major upheaval right now, how does this turn into "she's obviously moved on and is banging someone else"? It seems a little bit paranoid.

 

In that case ...why would she not communicate the above ?

 

Like I said this is an endless cycle she has a very poor way of handling situations

Not working out with dh have an affair

 

Going through major upheavals ...dissappear with out letting your AP know where you are at .still immature .still need to get her self right .

 

It's almost a week ...i think 2 adult people in a relationship should communicate what's going on with the other .

 

OP ...here is another food for thought for you .

 

So things are not working out in her marriage ...instead of communicating with her st and sorting it out she reaches out to her ex and starts an affair.

 

You /Your family support her through the process ..making her believe it's okay to cheat it's okay to do this .you do this out of love I understand .

 

But where is her accountability? When you don't have one instead have people supporting and cheering you on .you never know you handled a situation badly .

 

Then it repeats .because there has been no consequences right. It's not been showed to her her situation handling is wrong ? How does one learn ? Or grow up ? How does one do better the next time .

[OMSich]

you think the husband isn't going to make a pitch for her, yes he is...

 

Oh I know 100 he is.

[OMSich]

In that case ...why would she not communicate the above ?

 

Like I said this is an endless cycle she has a very poor way of handling situations

Not working out with dh have an affair

 

Going through major upheavals ...dissappear with out letting your AP know where you are at .still immature .still need to get her self right .

 

It's almost a week ...i think 2 adult people in a relationship should communicate what's going on with the other .

 

OP ...here is another food for thought for you .

 

So things are not working out in her marriage ...instead of communicating with her st and sorting it out she reaches out to her ex and starts an affair.

 

You /Your family support her through the process ..making her believe it's okay to cheat it's okay to do this .you do this out of love I understand .

 

But where is her accountability? When you don't have one instead have people supporting and cheering you on .you never know you handled a situation badly .

 

Then it repeats .because there has been no consequences right. It's not been showed to her her situation handling is wrong ? How does one learn ? Or grow up ? How does one do better the next time .

 

All things I think about. Love is hard here no doubt and thats no excuse but easier said than done. I agree communicating where she is at and I am at (we are at)seems so normal to me, but she is weak in this regard no doubt and its an issue I have with us.

 

These are all things we will have to sort one way or another. Im ok with having her communicate her needs better and me adjusting from there. Which is why im struggling being in the dark right now. But also telling myself she is going through so much...

 

At some point she will have to face us again, there is too much history.

 

I will reach out one more time this week let her know where i will be and if she wants to meet up, and then its all up to her. Maybe she picks up and then we move along or maybe she stays distant and i will just have to go on until she reaches out again.

[OMSich]

I must say I know I havent been the best in this relationshio the past few months. It all took a toll on me. I feel i have pushed her away at times frustrated as one might naturally find themselves being the OM. Jealousy is a killer. Nothing serious but little things here and there. I am also very hard on myself.

 

Perhaps Ive created some reservations.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I must say I know I havent been the best in this relationshio the past few months. It all took a toll on me. I feel i have pushed her away at times frustrated as one might naturally find themselves being the OM. Jealousy is a killer. Nothing serious but little things here and there. I am also very hard on myself.

 

Perhaps Ive created some reservations.

 

I think you may have contributed to this more than you think. you have been playing mind games/jealousy games. very immature. a woman going through a difficult time wants a man who she can count on to be there for her. you're still playing games by not calling her for fear of looking weak. do you really want to let things go and never know the deal? be a man and step up and take the chance that she may reject you, but maybe not.

 

i'm just speaking from my own bit of experience. i am a MW. had an affair with a MM who was very jealous of my husband. he was stubborn and walked away from me and played it off like he was fine. i didn't try to contact him after that because he had said he was better this way. i was miserable and depressed but kept no contact. 8 months later he breaks down and contacts me and we talk. turned out he was miserable the whole time. crying about me every day. but too stubborn and scared to face me. meanwhile, i had accepted that he was done and worked on my marriage, which is ok for now. he has been kicking himself ever since. can't get over the fact that his acting cool drove me back to my husband. we actually resumed our affair for a couple more months and he still could not take the jealousy he felt and walked away from me again. there will be no more chances.

 

get in touch with her. put your cards out on the table. risk the rejection. don't be like my MM.

[norudder]

I think you may have contributed to this more than you think. you have been playing mind games/jealousy games. very immature. a woman going through a difficult time wants a man who she can count on to be there for her. you're still playing games by not calling her for fear of looking weak. do you really want to let things go and never know the deal? be a man and step up and take the chance that she may reject you, but maybe not.

 

i'm just speaking from my own bit of experience. i am a MW. had an affair with a MM who was very jealous of my husband. he was stubborn and walked away from me and played it off like he was fine. i didn't try to contact him after that because he had said he was better this way. i was miserable and depressed but kept no contact. 8 months later he breaks down and contacts me and we talk. turned out he was miserable the whole time. crying about me every day. but too stubborn and scared to face me. meanwhile, i had accepted that he was done and worked on my marriage, which is ok for now. he has been kicking himself ever since. can't get over the fact that his acting cool drove me back to my husband. we actually resumed our affair for a couple more months and he still could not take the jealousy he felt and walked away from me again. there will be no more chances.

 

get in touch with her. put your cards out on the table. risk the rejection. don't be like my MM.

 

a person going through hard times should use a healthy support network. if that hard time is a divorce doubly so. man or woman, they should be strong enough to make that decision independent of having an insta-rebound or soft landing. its very unfair for you to blame the om for you going back to your m. that says more about you than him. op can be strong and have her respect by setting his own boundaries. you aren't abandoning her. or changing your feelings just by giving her space to get settled and get her grounding before looking at what comes next if anything

[Southern Sun]

She literally told her husband a week or so ago that she wanted a divorce.

 

In just DAYS she is talking about leaving her husband and changing her entire life to move on with you.

 

Even for a short marriage (with no kids?), it is a big deal.

 

In fact, if you are considering a future with this woman, I hope for your sake that this isn't easy for her.

 

I would assume she is struggling with confusion, ambivalence, guilt, fear. I would think she and her husband are talking and he may be trying to get her to change her mind. Maybe she really wants to leave but feels bad. Why did it take him catching the two of you for her to leave? Why have you known her for 10 years, but she only married him two years ago? Why didn't she marry you instead?

 

Reach out to her. Tell her you are concerned. What do you have to lose? Don't be in her face but certainly don't play games. She needs to know exactly where you stand.

 

And remember - this happened LAST WEEK. I am surprised that you are surprised at her behavior. This is only the beginning.

[Midlifecrisis1]

a person going through hard times should use a healthy support network. if that hard time is a divorce doubly so. man or woman, they should be strong enough to make that decision independent of having an insta-rebound or soft landing. its very unfair for you to blame the om for you going back to your m. that says more about you than him. op can be strong and have her respect by setting his own boundaries. you aren't abandoning her. or changing your feelings just by giving her space to get settled and get her grounding before looking at what comes next if anything

 

 

If you read through, you will see that it sounds like he has been playing head games with her for a while, trying to get her jealous and feel less secure. That is not what she needs.

[OMSich]

I think you may have contributed to this more than you think. you have been playing mind games/jealousy games. very immature. a woman going through a difficult time wants a man who she can count on to be there for her. you're still playing games by not calling her for fear of looking weak. do you really want to let things go and never know the deal? be a man and step up and take the chance that she may reject you, but maybe not.

 

i'm just speaking from my own bit of experience. i am a MW. had an affair with a MM who was very jealous of my husband. he was stubborn and walked away from me and played it off like he was fine. i didn't try to contact him after that because he had said he was better this way. i was miserable and depressed but kept no contact. 8 months later he breaks down and contacts me and we talk. turned out he was miserable the whole time. crying about me every day. but too stubborn and scared to face me. meanwhile, i had accepted that he was done and worked on my marriage, which is ok for now. he has been kicking himself ever since. can't get over the fact that his acting cool drove me back to my husband. we actually resumed our affair for a couple more months and he still could not take the jealousy he felt and walked away from me again. there will be no more chances.

 

get in touch with her. put your cards out on the table. risk the rejection. don't be like my MM.

 

But I did call her. In fact ive initiated almost every time since the event last week and only the last time i called did i not get a call back. I dont want to be pushy. I dont want her to feel smothered. Will I call her once again this week, I will. Because I care about her. Am I being pushy doing that, I dont know.

 

Was I guilty of being vague about other women in the past. Yes. Did I lie? No. Did the vagueness bother her? Yes. Was I a bit jealous of her sleeping in another mans bed? How can i lie? Who wouldnt be while in love?

[OMSich]

She literally told her husband a week or so ago that she wanted a divorce.

 

In just DAYS she is talking about leaving her husband and changing her entire life to move on with you.

 

Even for a short marriage (with no kids?), it is a big deal.

 

In fact, if you are considering a future with this woman, I hope for your sake that this isn't easy for her.

 

I would assume she is struggling with confusion, ambivalence, guilt, fear. I would think she and her husband are talking and he may be trying to get her to change her mind. Maybe she really wants to leave but feels bad. Why did it take him catching the two of you for her to leave? Why have you known her for 10 years, but she only married him two years ago? Why didn't she marry you instead?

 

Reach out to her. Tell her you are concerned. What do you have to lose? Don't be in her face but certainly don't play games. She needs to know exactly where you stand.

 

And remember - this happened LAST WEEK. I am surprised that you are surprised at her behavior. This is only the beginning.

 

Ive told her that im worried about her. That im here to support anyway she needs me. Thank you for the advice. I dont want any games. No more games.

[BluesPower]

Wow, what a bunch of convoluted questions and answers.

 

So as usual, allow me to cut through the BS for you.

 

OP, have you not read on any of the OM/OW forums her or other places?

 

I guess not.

 

You buddy are in love like any OW and OW is intentional here, no offense.

 

Man, you have been the side guy to fight the boredom and malaise that people in marriages get in to, both men and woman.

 

So without the decoration here is what is going on...

 

1) Odds are the whether she divorces or not you are toast. Why? If she divorces she gets to play the field and compared to richer and older and better looking guys, well frankly you are a bench warmer. Yeah, with out a doubt. If you had more money, more prospects, and on and on, she would have already left. You were supposed to be the exit affair and that is it.

 

2) If she says with her H who is pulling out all the stops to get her back and he has the history, you are also toast. She has the comfort the history and Kid? not sure on that one. You are the side guy who is good in the sack, and if necessary she can always get another one.

 

Basically, you are toast. It was going to be that way from the start.

 

So your only hope is to ghost her, while leaving away for her to contact you if she wants to see you.

 

Next, grow a pair and start dating like yesterday. How attractive is a puppy dog just waiting at his place pining away on the off chance that she might call?

 

Do not be available. Your next words to her need to be, "If you want to be with me let me know, because I am moving along". Then DO NOT CONTACT HER FOR ANY REASON, AT ALL!!!!!

 

Even if you can do the above, frankly your chances are pretty slim. Sorry to lay this out so bluntly, but this is what is happening...

[OneLov]

I would go with SouthernSun's advice. Don't torture yourself. If you are half as serious as you mentioned, I cannot see how trying to find out how she is holding up would be interpreted as being pushy. One telephone call one week apart is very passive communication.

 

That being said, IMO, this situation is troubling. To make sure I have the timeline correct: About two weeks ago you got caught; she told her husband she wants a divorce; you met up a few times and continued as before; the last time you spoke with she was moving out but has not actually moved out (as the movers "were there," according to her), then last Wednesday she fell off the face of the earth and she has not even looked at your snaps? It is one thing to not respond, it is another thing to not even look at your messages.

 

Be respectful and prepare yourself for the worst as you hope for the best. If it is in fact that situation, you should leave her life and do not look back. Do not hang around as you will surely get chewed up and spit out.

Edited July 31, 2017 by OneLov

[OMSich]

I would go with SouthernSun advice. Don't torture yourself. If you are half as serious as you mentioned, I cannot see how trying to find out how she is holding up would be interpreted as being pushy. One telephone call a week a part is very passive communication.

 

That being said, IMO, this situation is troubling. To make sure I have the timeline correct: Two weeks ago you got caught, she told her husband she wants a divorce and is moving out, you met up a few times and continued as before, then last Wednesday she fell off the face of the earth and will not even look at your snaps? It is one thing to not respond, it is another thing to not even look at your messages.

 

Be respectful and prepare yourself for the worst as you hope for the best. If it is in fact that situation, you should leave her life and do not look back. Do not hang around as you will surely get chewed up and spit out.

 

Thanks man. To be clear, she wasnt looking at my stories, i havent sent her any direct snaps or messages. To further confuse things she has been liking my nieces, sisters facebook posts, and liked a buddies post of the place we stayed in cabo knowing i was there.

 

She deleted her husband on facebook and all his friends and family, and is taking the job working for my best friend. Where we stand is we havent spoken in 6 days and ive called her twice over that span. Thats it.

 

Definitely troubling. We have such a long history and she went cold.

[OMSich]

Wow, what a bunch of convoluted questions and answers.

 

So as usual, allow me to cut through the BS for you.

 

OP, have you not read on any of the OM/OW forums her or other places?

 

I guess not.

 

You buddy are in love like any OW and OW is intentional here, no offense.

 

Man, you have been the side guy to fight the boredom and malaise that people in marriages get in to, both men and woman.

 

So without the decoration here is what is going on...

 

1) Odds are the whether she divorces or not you are toast. Why? If she divorces she gets to play the field and compared to richer and older and better looking guys, well frankly you are a bench warmer. Yeah, with out a doubt. If you had more money, more prospects, and on and on, she would have already left. You were supposed to be the exit affair and that is it.

 

2) If she says with her H who is pulling out all the stops to get her back and he has the history, you are also toast. She has the comfort the history and Kid? not sure on that one. You are the side guy who is good in the sack, and if necessary she can always get another one.

 

Basically, you are toast. It was going to be that way from the start.

 

So your only hope is to ghost her, while leaving away for her to contact you if she wants to see you.

 

Next, grow a pair and start dating like yesterday. How attractive is a puppy dog just waiting at his place pining away on the off chance that she might call?

 

Do not be available. Your next words to her need to be, "If you want to be with me let me know, because I am moving along". Then DO NOT CONTACT HER FOR ANY REASON, AT ALL!!!!!

 

Even if you can do the above, frankly your chances are pretty slim. Sorry to lay this out so bluntly, but this is what is happening...

 

Pretty harsh, but I mean I get your point. And thanks. As far as scenario 1, I have a great job, make plenty of money, I am attractive, funny, and I am indeed in demand. Not trying to toot my own horn but quite simply you don't know me.

 

However, my actions may not have been falling in line with where my confidence should be. Ive been a little bitch no doubt. And i think that is what she is worried about. Am I gonna crack. But being the OM did make me crack a bit. The horror I know.

 

Either way, moving forward I will be taking your advice. Shes knows how to find me. Ive tried twice to connect now. She will whens shes ready, or she wont.

 

But In no way am i going to be groping around the house like a puppy dog. I have a great life to live and will be working to improve myself in every aspect.

 

Started meditating. My biggest weakness is i overthink ****. Hoping this will help with that. Oh and dropping aderrall has helped with my edginess.

Edited July 31, 2017 by OMSich

[Deidre]

I'm going to say some things to you that you're not going to want to hear. If you don't want to read stuff that's going to hurt, skip right over this.

 

Very few relationships that start as an A go anywhere. The stats are out there, but, if you read them, starting from an A, getting to "happily married" and staying there (not divorcing) is exceptionally rare. Happens so rarely that you might as well not even consider it as a possibility (I know that's hard, but the stats are what they are) when you enter into one; think to yourself, this will not end in marriage.

 

Your AP ended her primary relationship. To you, it seems totally normal that you'd pick things up and keep going. To her, she just lost something very important to her (her husband) and everything he provided. Yeah, I know, she probably told you he was worthless/mean/etc. Fact is, he very likely wasn't, and he also very likely gave her a lot of things that she needed in a relationship. Just not all the things she needed (hence, you, and the affair). So now she sits, preparing to lose all the things her husband provided, and looking not for someone to ADD to her primary relationship, someone to REPLACE what her husband brought to the table. And that person, sadly, very well might not be you. Let me reverse the genders to not offend, it's a lot of fun for guys to carry on an A with a 20 year old college girl who's entire relationship experience comes down to drunken sex. It's another thing entirely for that same guy to marry that 20 year old because there's a whole lot his wife has that she doesn't. He's in the A with her to have more sex, more fun to be a different person. But, if his W finds out and leaves? Chance of him getting serious with that 20 year old? Almost 0. And this is nearly always the case (not always though, and others here have the other side of the story that I'm sure they will share).

 

If it were me, I'd move on. You might be able to negotiate a FWB situation with her, which, frankly, might be better for you anyway because this woman has already shown herself to be a cheater, and even if you do marry her, chances are very good you'll be the guy she has "no love for" sitting at home while she's having an A with a new guy.

 

If you really want to pursue her, stop what you're doing. Read some books on attraction and pick up. What you're doing is dead wrong; you don't wait around for her, go get busy living your life. If she wants to come back to you, let her, if not, too bad. Outcome independence is about the sexiest thing in the world to many women. And what you're doing is the female equivalent of not shaving your legs or brushing your teeth for a month. Your actions, no matter how she felt during the A will push her away.

 

This. All of it.

 

Plus, you'll never trust one another. That's what happens when two cheaters stop the cheating part, and try to make a relationship work. They realize that they don't trust each other.

 

I'd move on.

[OMSich]

Oh Im moving on. Shutting it down. Nothing left for me to do here. She will find me when she is ready. Shes clearly asking for space (in a selfish way) for whatever hundreds of reasons that have been brought up here, so I will respect that and continue to live my life.

 

Just ****ing funny that when she finally is going to be free, NOW is the time I am supposed to move on...

 

Aint life grand?

 

Thanks everyone, I will update if anything comes.

[elaine567]

What I can't understand is that you have known this woman for 10 years, been a LTR with her, been in an affair with her and when she leaves her husband and moves into an apartment, you are nowhere to be seen.

You call her briefly and then swan off to Cabo.

You say you love her yet this all seems to me fo be incredibly hands off.

Should you not have been right in there "helping"?

I am not suggesting that you needed to do the work of ten men lifting all the heavy stuff, but running errands, making cups of tea, ordering a take away etc. may have been very much appreciated by her, no?