Insecure sexually after wife's affair

[sandylee1]

Gavin,

 

This isn't a good situation for you.

 

Your wife married you as a safe and secure bet. She sees you as a good provider, a good father and a good husband. You are nice and reliable.

 

I find it awful that she would tell you she climaxed through penetrative sex every time with him. That's highly unlikely.

 

I think somewhere along the way, she had the affair knowing you wouldn't leave if you found out.

 

Why is that?

Does she see herself as better than you in terms of attraction?

 

What I get from your posts, is she's not going to leave you because of better sex with anyone, but I'm doubtful about her ability to be faithful long term.

 

I done think she ever felt she had anything to loose.

[harrybrown]

Has she gone NC with the OM?

 

Did she used protection? for a year? how many times?

 

She admitted to orgasms with him, but not with you?

 

How did you find out?

 

hope she was tested for stds.

 

you will never get over this. File for D.

 

Is the OM married? has she called his wife with you on the phone to tell her all about her A?

 

Or is she still protecting her OM over you?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Recent Change, good to see you chip in and post on this thread. In fact in my previous post I was wanting to ask the OP to look to you for advice on how to handle his situation because of the seeming resemblance between his wife's attitude toward sex and yours. However, although it may seem on the surface that your attitudes converge, I think in reality there is an ocean of difference between you two. In your case, in spite of your having cheated on your partner, you are deeply committed to him and were truly remorseful when he found out. Also you are committed to your relationship with your whole being. Your affair was an aberration precisely because you have the ability to seperate sex from emotion and you let yourself slip for a once in a lifetime error of judgement.

 

The same thing cannot be said of OP's wife. Her affair was a one year long sojourn and had she not been caught she would have happily continued for the next ten years. In your case you are financially independent of your partner and in fact you earn more than him and you have job security as compared to your partner, who though capable and qualified has been erratic in his employment profile. The OP's wife, from the way he has presented her, seems to be happy to have him as the safe bet at home, the guy who she can come back to after all her shenanigans knowing that he will take her back. She has made sure she has emasculated him so that he 'knows' his place and will agree to any sexual adventures she wants to have in the future. She is not really remorseful and only offers enough pacifiers to him to keep him going. For all we know she may still be having her affair, having taken it underground deep enough for him not to be able to unearth anything. He, of course is a wreck and not in a position to help himself.

 

My point in addressing you was to see whether you could offer the OP pertinent advice considering that his wife claims her affair was only about sex and was not emotional. Maybe you can give him pointers as to what to look for, if his wife were actually what she claims to be. If what you advise him to look for gels with him then maybe there is a glimmer of hope for him. If nothing that you have to say about how his wife should be behaving or or conveying to him then that should be his warning that he is barking up the wrong tree. Hope I made some sense. Warm wishes.

Edited July 30, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Marc878]

Thanks for all the advice and feedback. Its all helpful.

I'll try to provide some more information. <snip>

She has also been clear that while sex has been important to her its no where near as important to her as all the other factors in our marriage and family. She reminds me of this even time we have this 'talk', which is weekly now.

 

 

Cheaters lie, hide and deny.

 

She threw you, kids, family and future away for sex with her other man.

 

It was more important to her at the time.

 

I'm assuming you jumped right into R without giving it any thought?

 

Sex is important to a marriage so I'd bet if you can't step up your game this will face you again at some point.

 

I hope you wake up to where you are.

Edited August 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and clean up extraneous content

[Superchicken]

If she tells you that she had great physical orgasmic sex for a year with her lover but did not have any feelings for him then I have a bridge to sell you. You would have to be delusional to believe this.

 

Why are you attempting to reconcile? If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting, forgiving after allowing herself to have been so totally humiliated and disrespected as you have been?

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

 

 

Sorry, but "Too much water" under YOUR bridge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gavin, take a break away from her.

Go for a trip, like Europe, anywhere.. Just get away for a month.

 

 

I think your trying to hard too fast, and not allowing yourself to get over her cheating.

The fact your feeling some sort of comparison, or performance issues with the OM, is a reason to move away from that scene all together.

 

 

However, can I give you one piece of advice..

All of us guys have different attributes, abilities, and lastly ego's.

No two guys are the same. Why you bother comparing ?.

 

 

You are you, and your wife, although, manure reincarnated, did love you, and picked you to marry her.

So, from the countless other guys out there, you were chosen by her.

NOT SETLLED FOR, BY HER, so also remember that.

 

 

The strength of a man (Women too) in my view, is one's ability, to know there's a problem, fix it, put it to rest, and make the rest of ones life count.

 

 

I'm sure a prescription of Viagra may help here, as well as some "Electronic" devices to help with your wife.

Use them together, and don't over think it.

When you feel the need to "Release", think of Rosanne Bar...

That should fix you up for the next hour..

 

 

 

 

By the way, so what if you came too early.

Give your self a few minutes, and ramp up again.

Don't think about it, as that's when you get issues, and learn new moves man...

Watch some movies, together even, and maybe have a little fun trying the new positions while watching with your wife. Sex, can also be funny good as well.

Hopefully over time, your ego will get a boost.

 

 

Here's your first boost.. She's still with you and loves you..

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Superchicken

[Cephalopod]

BuhBye Gavin. Good luck.

[Rose.1977]

I am sorry I have some self esteem problems and it is damaging my marriage

[drifter777]

OP seems to be gone but, since others may read this, it's worth pointing out that as a BH he should simply accept that this is his new marriage. He's a bottom and that's where he'll stay.

 

Anytime a BH posts something like this:

 

"am definitely committed to staying in the marriage"

 

he might as well just hand her a stick and bend over. She's already proven she will cheat so crossing that line again is like falling off a log. She wants what she wants in bed and there is absolutely nothing to discourage her from getting it outside of the marriage when you don't deliver.

 

No consequences simply reinforces her rationalization for cheating.

[GavinM]

Thanks again everyone who took the time to respond.

 

The range of views appears to be varied but some consistent themes definitely appear. I know I could have a dominant personality and be more of an ‘alpha’. My personality has never been this way. Im a much more passive and laid back person. This is what Im comfortable with. I know I need to try to change this. Ive spoken to my wife about this and she’s acknowledged that this part of my personality is endearing, a key part of me and some of what she loves. She also acknowledges that what she desires in day to day life isn’t necessarily what excites her inside the bedroom (not very helpful).

 

I’ll provide some additional background. Our two children are young (3&4). We didn’t date for long before we were married but we knew each other and were acquittances and then friends for a number of years. Neither of us where very experienced in terms of partners. I had had three partners (all in relationships) previously and truthfully was still fairly limited in my sexual experiences even within these relationships. One relationship was very short and in the other two the women were both very uptight, religious etc. My wife had only two prior partners but both these relationships seemed to be active and healthy. It was in these relationships (esp one) that I found out that she could sometimes reach climax.

 

She had always assumed that, while our sex life was poor to start, it was on account of my inexperience and that we would ‘figure it out over time’. She said she never had any doubt that she would eventually be able to climax with our sex as well. She explained that her affair sex was different for a number of reasons but a lot of it had to do with the fact that he was very experienced sexually, that he was a very large man physically and that he was very controlling, dominating and creative in the bedroom. These were all new things for her and she has recognized now that some of these factors were very important in her having the ability to reach orgasm so easily with him. Things that hadn’t occurred to her to be important she now knows are.

 

I realize that many posters online would love that all cheating spouses get kicked to the curb and that in any reconciliation process strict ultimatums are given (as well as other forms of punishment). I get that me saying that “Im totally committed to the marriage” might appear weak. But its how I feel. My wife feels the same way. I also get that we have real problems in the bedroom, that are obviously much more serious then I realized. We both recognize this. We know the problem still exists and it wont just ‘go away’. But I also think that if you are in love you need to take risks. No marriage is easy, and no relationship is riskless. We continue to work on our marriage and now also recognize the need to seek professional assistance. We haven’t found a counsellor yet but are actively seeking one.

Edited August 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[drifter777]

You can write off all of us - I don't care. You are very passive person and your wife has made it very clear, both verbally and by her actions, that she wants a strong, take-charge man. She's going to find one, mark my words.

 

I hate to see a BH who is so committed to repairing the damage that SHE did he is willing to accept anything in order to get things "back to normal". Experience has shown that these BH's will either begin to hate themselves for being too wimpy or begin to hate their WW for what she did. Usually both. Maybe you will be different, but I would be shocked if this isn't how this will turn out. I guess I left out the other possibility - she keeps on cheating. I think this is the most likely path your story will take.

 

As for your dedication to repair your marriage, you still haven't began counseling. The litany of reasons you will give for why you haven't started seeing a professional should show you just how little she cares about it and how afraid you are to open this can of worms.

Edited August 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[GoldenR]

But I also think that if you are in love you need to take risks.

 

Your wife (supposedly) was in love with you. And she took a risk. And it paid off as now she knows she can do it and suffer no consequences. D-day 2 will arrive eventually.

[JS84]

You do realize now that your wife has had a taste of what a fulfilling sex life feels like with the type of man she appears to find desirable (which sounds like the opposite of you), she's going to eventually be cheating again if she isn't still??

 

At the end of the day it's your choice but your approach is just asking for years of pain and misery for yourself. Your wife probably not so much since it appears she can get her jollies off with little to no consequences from you.

 

Good luck whatever you wind up doing.

[Steve51]

It is not uncommon for a couple to have different sexual needs. I am just going to throw this out there. My wife and I love each other and she reaches orgasm in under 3 minutes having multiple intense orgasms. Yet there was still something missing. I had no complaints about our sex life but missed the fetish I was in with my last fiance. Our solution was to play with others in various group sex activities until we both found what we needed in my wife's best friend. My wife asked her friend to have sex with me because her friend indicated that she was into my fetish. Nice of my wife. I returned the favor by inviting my wife to join us after her friend and I were done. She did and learned what she was looking for in her girlfriend's arms.

 

We moved our girlfriend into our home and bed for the next 30 years. She was into my kind of sex and provided my wife with the female companionship and love that she needed. As for our girlfriend, we became the family she never had. It was fantastic and never a problem, not even an argument due to our girlfriend.

 

What we did was to choose our marriage over all else, even monogamy or heterosexual sex. Not for everyone and in fact I never recommend it since it requires a lot of self confidence and no fear of loss; the two things that cause jealousy.

 

Read this as it has some answers even if you want to remain monogamous.

 

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

 

BTW, our girlfriend eventually got married but still maintained her relationship with us. Her husband could not give her what she needed, that we were able to provide. He lost his first wife due to that so he figured to give his new wife her sexual freedom. As a result they are married over 25 years. His wife never spoke ill of him, she loved him and thought he was a good husband. He just was not the alpha male she wanted nor the soft woman she desired. It worked out for all of us.

 

We also tried just about every fetish out there to keep things fresh. One thing you can do is both of you write down sexual acts and fantasies that you each would like to try. Then compare notes and see if you share any sexual fantasies. If not, find a few that you are willing to do for her pleasure and those that she would do to satisfy you.

[harrybrown]

how do you really know that she has stopped meeting him?

 

She can not get by without it, and so she has taken this relationship underground.

 

She will not be satisfied with her sex life with you.

 

So she will cheat again and again.

 

How many times do you want to go thru this pain?

 

Once is more than is ever acceptable.

 

So will she let you have an A, like she did?

[usa1ah]

Thanks again everyone who took the time to respond.

<snip>

I’ll provide some additional background. Our two children are young (3&4). We didn’t date for long before we were married but we knew each other and were acquittances and then friends for a number of years. Neither of us where very experienced in terms of partners. I had had three partners (all in relationships) previously and truthfully was still fairly limited in my sexual experiences even within these relationships. One relationship was very short and in the other two the women were both very uptight, religious etc. My wife had only two prior partners but both these relationships seemed to be active and healthy. It was in these relationships (esp one) that I found out that she could sometimes reach climax. She had always assumed that, while our sex life was poor to start, it was on account of my inexperience and that we would ‘figure it out over time’. She said she never had any doubt that she would eventually be able to climax with our sex as well. She explained that her affair sex was different for a number of reasons but a lot of it had to do with the fact that he was very experienced sexually, that he was a very large man physically and that he was very controlling, dominating and creative in the bedroom. These were all new things for her and she has recognized now that some of these factors were very important in her having the ability to reach orgasm so easily with him. Things that hadn’t occurred to her to be important she now knows are.

<snip>

 

I call BS.

 

She never knew any of this crap she is feeding you until she cheated.

 

Next thing she is going to do is get you to allow her to have sex with this other guy or others. Hope you are ok with that because it is coming.

Edited August 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Southern Sun]

Thanks again everyone who took the time to respond.<snip>

I realize that many posters online would love that all cheating spouses get kicked to the curb and that in any reconciliation process strict ultimatums are given (as well as other forms of punishment). I get that me saying that “Im totally committed to the marriage” might appear weak. But its how I feel. My wife feels the same way. I also get that we have real problems in the bedroom, that are obviously much more serious then I realized. We both recognize this. We know the problem still exists and it wont just ‘go away’. But I also think that if you are in love you need to take risks. No marriage is easy, and no relationship is riskless. We continue to work on our marriage and now also recognize the need to seek professional assistance. We haven’t found a counsellor yet but are actively seeking one.

 

Gavin,

 

You are very brave for giving your wife another chance.

 

Be careful about seeking advice on the internet. You will get some good advice, of course; but much of it will hurt your very good intentions. It will cause you fear in what you really want to do. It will make you think you MUST kick your cheating wife to the curb in order to be a 'real man.' Just be careful. Seek wisdom, above all things.

 

I am a former WW. My husband is a kind and gentle person, much like you describe yourself. We both had other partners before we got married, but I didn't have many. My H suffered from PE most of our marriage. He chose not to address it for many years. This caused problems with intimacy in the bedroom. I felt very uncomfortable saying anything to him, out of fear of hurting his feelings and ego. It hurt ME that he chose not to do anything about it. We were unable to truly make love in any normal sense. I would say this very much hurt our connection, even though on every other level, we felt like good partners.

 

I found myself in an affair with a very dominant, assertive man. I DID like how "in control" he presented himself to be. It made me feel safe. I liked that he knew what he wanted. A "take-charge" attitude in a man is very attractive. I would say that most women in affairs are with a man who is nearly opposite their husband.

 

I am very gratefully OUT of that relationship and reconciling with my H. I am deeply ashamed of what I did and of how much I've hurt him. I can't say that I was consciously aware of a missing component in our M...but when the sexual side presented itself to me, I DID realize things that had been missing. I had never been able to enjoy sex in that way with my H. But I wanted to. I felt angry in a sense. He didn't address his issues. He avoided it for more than a decade. And then I went and did a horrible thing. I have extreme regret that we did not face each other in order to repair our sexual relationship.

 

HOWEVER - we are doing that now. He has seen a doctor about his PE and it is helping. Things were very awkward in the beginning, but over time, they have gotten better and better. He is making an effort to be present and "go for it" too. It's been a little over a year since my last D-Day (I had a couple). I know my A caused him great insecurity. But it is my responsibility to show him how much I want HIM and to right this wrong. I never REALLY deep-down wanted that relationship with MM...that isn't what I wanted. I put a scar on us permanently. But I do think we have a wonderful chance with both of us committed to R. It IS possible Gavin. If the two of you do the right things, it is. I am sorry for your pain.

Edited August 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[drifter777]

Gavin,

 

You are very brave for giving your wife another chance.

 

Be careful about seeking advice on the internet. You will get some good advice, of course; but much of it will hurt your very good intentions. It will cause you fear in what you really want to do. It will make you think you MUST kick your cheating wife to the curb in order to be a 'real man.' Just be careful. Seek wisdom, above all things.

 

Giving your WW another chance is not necessarily a sign of bravery, especially within the first year or so. It might simply be a sign that BH is willing to stay married to a cheater for the sake of his family. That's not brave or noble.

 

Yeah, there are plenty of angry, devastated BH's that will take the "dump her right freaking now" road, but not all of us. I am a firm believer in divorce for betrayed men but understand and respect that a BH must get to that place on their own. The classic example is when early on after d-day the BH goes into "I must get my life back to normal" mode and refuses to see the permanent damage this has done to his marriage. His bending over backwards to smooth things over by rugsweeping, his compartmentalization and complete denial of his pain are all temporary coping mechanisms. As I sense a BH beginning to come out of this phase of coping I encourage him to think about himself and his own healing before anything else. He needs IC or other support from knowledgeable people experienced with infidelity. The long-term affects of infidelity are different for men than for women. I saw it put this way by one psychologist: "For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offence against her dignity. For a betrayed man, it's an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity."

[usa1ah]

Giving your WW another chance is not necessarily a sign of bravery, especially within the first year or so. It might simply be a sign that BH is willing to stay married to a cheater for the sake of his family. That's not brave or noble.

 

Yeah, there are plenty of angry, devastated BH's that will take the "dump her right freaking now" road, but not all of us. I am a firm believer in divorce for betrayed men but understand and respect that a BH must get to that place on their own. The classic example is when early on after d-day the BH goes into "I must get my life back to normal" mode and refuses to see the permanent damage this has done to his marriage. His bending over backwards to smooth things over by rugsweeping, his compartmentalization and complete denial of his pain are all temporary coping mechanisms. As I sense a BH beginning to come out of this phase of coping I encourage him to think about himself and his own healing before anything else. He needs IC or other support from knowledgeable people experienced with infidelity. The long-term affects of infidelity are different for men than for women. I saw it put this way by one psychologist: "For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offence against her dignity. For a betrayed man, it's an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity."

 

This is so true!

[Cephalopod]

She's going to keep doing this to you Gavin, until you start making some fundamental changes in yourself and start valuing yourself. And when and if you do make those changes, you just may come to realize that you are too good for her and move on.

[Southern Sun]

Giving your WW another chance is not necessarily a sign of bravery, especially within the first year or so. It might simply be a sign that BH is willing to stay married to a cheater for the sake of his family. That's not brave or noble.

 

Yeah, there are plenty of angry, devastated BH's that will take the "dump her right freaking now" road, but not all of us. I am a firm believer in divorce for betrayed men but understand and respect that a BH must get to that place on their own. The classic example is when early on after d-day the BH goes into "I must get my life back to normal" mode and refuses to see the permanent damage this has done to his marriage. His bending over backwards to smooth things over by rugsweeping, his compartmentalization and complete denial of his pain are all temporary coping mechanisms. As I sense a BH beginning to come out of this phase of coping I encourage him to think about himself and his own healing before anything else. He needs IC or other support from knowledgeable people experienced with infidelity. The long-term affects of infidelity are different for men than for women. I saw it put this way by one psychologist: "For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offence against her dignity. For a betrayed man, it's an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity."

 

Perhaps it's not necessarily a sign of bravery; but I think it's wrong to indicate that it IS necessarily a sign of cowardice.

 

Giving another chance to someone who has hurt you DOES take courage, man or woman. I completely agree that one should only be given that chance if that person proves to deserve it.

[BetrayedH]

What sucks is that either Drifter or Southern Sun could be right in your scenario, or even both. There was most certainly an element of damage control on my end as a BH. Drifter explained it quite well and it's a horribly unhealthy place to be. At the same time, it's possible that the OP's wife is truly remorseful and that they "could" recover their marriage and sex life.

 

I don't blame a BH that makes the attempt but Drifter's post is a cautionary tale that shouldn't be taken lightly. As a BS, you really have to think on your boundaries and really enforce them or you can really lose yourself in the process. I lost myself and lost my fool mind. I don't recommend repeating what I did.

[Chi townD]

I realize that many posters online would love that all cheating spouses get kicked to the curb and that in any reconciliation process strict ultimatums are given (as well as other forms of punishment). I get that me saying that “Im totally committed to the marriage” might appear weak. But its how I feel. My wife feels the same way. I also get that we have real problems in the bedroom, that are obviously much more serious then I realized. We both recognize this. We know the problem still exists and it wont just ‘go away’. But I also think that if you are in love you need to take risks. No marriage is easy, and no relationship is riskless. We continue to work on our marriage and now also recognize the need to seek professional assistance. We haven’t found a counsellor yet but are actively seeking one.

 

 

No, I have a feeling that things in the bedroom were just fine. Maybe the sex was a little vanilla. But, nothing earth shattering.

 

But, I think she's telling you things sucked in the bedroom and THAT'S why she cheated. And in a way it was a good thing because she discovered what gets her off. I am sorry. But, cheating on your spouse is not the time to figure sh*t out. Dude, this is a form of blameshifting. And you're buying into it hook, line and sinker. Do you think she would be so understanding if you cheated on her. "But, hey! I found out what gets me off! I need more passion from a partner instead of a partner that's just looking for grinding sex organs together!" Dude, she would kick you to the curb in a New York minute.

 

Point I'm trying to make is bedroom problems can be solve quite easily. It's called talking to your partner. I'm starting to think that she is not remorseful at all for cheating on you. Sorry she got caught. yeah. But, not remorseful. And that spells a lot of future problems for you.

[AriesDude]

"My husband is not great in bed....so maybe I will go and dress up and go out and try to initiate a conversation with another man and talk to him to the point where he would wanna take my clothes off and be super comfortable around me......"

If that is not emotional cheating then please shoot me.

CHEATING IS CHEATING

Seriously man you deserve better.

 

"Ive spoken to my wife about this and she’s acknowledged that this part of my personality is endearing, a key part of me and some of what she loves. She also acknowledges that what she desires in day to day life isn’t necessarily what excites her inside the bedroom (not very helpful)"

.................you.............deserve...................better...........

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gavin, I had posed a question in my first post on your thread which was "Under what circumstances did your wife meet her OM. Was he a coworker or an outsider she met socially? You answered the other questions I had asked but not this one. Shall be obliged if you can kindly answer this one too. Thanks and warm wishes.

[GavinM]

She met her affair partner through work but they don't work at the same company. She has to travel for work as does he. Her career has really takne off since she went back to work full time after the children. She is in a funny role (sales/marketing/providing expert technical advice) in a male dominated industry. She loves her work, is great at and is very successful now financially. This financial contribution is now critical to our family.