Recent break up - Can I still get her back?

[act00]

I think someone needs to pull the plug on this, and since it won't be her, it will have to be you. She sounds like she's done, even though she doesn't really realize it or want to admit it. She still wants you or the version of you (and her) that you had in the beginning, but you're not suited for each other. This isn't a conscious act on her part. She probably does think that "taking a break" will fix everything. It won't. You can drop off her things at any time. I think you're ready to move on, but you're still hanging onto the "just in case." I think it might be a bit of a slap if you just randomly drop her things off while she's away with no warning, and it would be kind to arrange a time, even if that time is to drop her things while she's away, whether at work, errands, or NC if someone is able to collect them or there's a safe place to leave them.

 

When you said "talking to other girls," is this just talking and she gets wildly crazy and jealous, or is this flirting and romantic interest type of talking to other girls? If you're actively flirting and encouraging women as if you're available, you messed up. You're not ready for a commitment if you're seeking other women.

 

You already broke up once before. Round two isn't going to magically fix things. Yes, I think you should let go.

[elaine567]

 

If all you were doing was talking to other women, that was no reason for her to get so upset, assuming you weren't flirting or asking for sex.

 

That was NOT the scenario.

 

I began being shady and started texting other girls and she has caught me numerous times flirting and hitting on girls from facebook and text. She gave me 4 chances to come back to her and move on and to no do it ever again. Idk what is wrong with me but I continued and now she left me for good this time. #1 - 22nd May 2017

[d0nnivain]

The post by Elaine567 is all the more reason you & this woman need to stay apart.

 

You claim to love her, yet chase other women. Who are you lying to -- us, yourself or her? Either way, let this relationship be over & go chase anyone you like

[elaine567]

. She still wants you or the version of you (and her) that you had in the beginning...

Yes, she wants the one who isn't "manipulative, controlling and aggressive" the one who isn't continually hitting on other women, the one who doesn't upset her, but that is just fantasy and even if you do "change" which is probably impossible, she still has all the memories of how you hurt her and that will never go away...

Second chances happen in movies or when there is little actually wrong with a relationship. There is a whole bunch of issues here.

Let her go.

She is very young, do not ruin any more of her life.

[dsprimal]

I agree with everyone. I feel like it is time to just be done with it. But this whole meeting up thing makes me feel like I should hold my tongue and don't act out. After yesterdays "accidental" phone call I ended up calling her last night to finalize it. To just tell her I am content with giving her time to go through whatever she is going through but if she is "testing the waters" then she needs to cut me out 100% with no contact from her end because it is not right for her to still poke in every now and then. I was rattled yesterday and wanted to tell her that. But when she picked up she said she was at her friends house and she said what was wrong. I didn't tell her because it wasn't a good time to lay that on her. So I told her I would tell her later and then she continued to try getting it out of me. She said "just tell me what its about at least". I told her no and that we'll talk later and to have a good night.

 

Now I feel like an idiot a little bit. So I was thinking of reaching out again today to ask her if we are 100% definite for next weekend. That could be my final straw and if she pushes it back AGAIN then I will know without a doubt she is keeping me on the side and wont let me go fully for her own selfish ego.

 

Will that be worth it? To wait out another week speculating? I don't want to pull the trigger this weekend and drop her stuff off when i'm caught up in my moods that could jeopardize something good if we ended up meeting in person?

[d0nnivain]

What would you be waiting for? To get back into a relationship you don't care about that isn't working? Why?

 

You make the decision to be done. Box up her stuff. Drop it off. Remove her contact info from all your devices & your social media. Then get on with your life.

[dsprimal]

I do miss her and what we had. The good times we had we're amazing and thinking back to those memories and wanting them back. The photos we took together makes me sad because the times and places we have gone filled our lives with happiness. I am going to miss the puppy love phase we had, the cuddling, endless nights talking, etc. Last time we spoke she said she missed my apartment and how she spent the past 8 months of her life here it's something that she cherishes and I guess it makes it feel like it was her 2nd home. She is in just as much pain when thinking of us hence her saying she cries when she see's my things that I left at her place.

 

But now if I drop her stuff off that will be it. It makes me sick to my stomach even more that all these pictures and memories on my phone will have to be removed including the social media.

 

Would leaving a final letter in the box with her stuff be ok? or will that continue to leave things open ended and make me play this game with myself with false hopes.

[d0nnivain]

Would leaving a final letter in the box with her stuff be ok? or will that continue to leave things open ended and make me play this game with myself with false hopes.

 

 

What is the point of this letter?

 

 

If you want to write it so purge yourself, by all means put pen to paper. Write to your heart's content. Get it all out. It will be cathartic. Do not send it or give it to her. Put it in a drawer. Wait at least one week; a month would be better. Take it back out & re-read it. If you still feel the same, put the letter back in the drawer & continue to wait. When you read it & cringe, in a safe controlled environment, burn it. Carefully watch the flames consume the paper, follow the smoke as it drifts upward. Let the universe cleanse you. But never ever show it to her (or anyone else).

 

 

If you hope to get her back with the letter, it won't work so don't bother. She either won't read it or she'll read it & laugh. Either way it won't bring her back & it certainly won't fix all the dysfunction in your relationship.

 

 

You don't need the letter for closure. The act of returning her stuff says it all.

[Boymomma]

This sounds like how my marriage was. Run. Fast. Don't look back. Trust me, it will save you so much future heartbreak.

[dsprimal]

UPDATE:

 

I texted her last night telling her to call me when she got the message. She calls me later that night and asks me what I wanted to tell her the other night (my feelings etc.) but I refused and told her that I just wanted to see what time tomorrow would work for her to drop off her stuff. She continued to ask me what I was going to tell her and to be honest with her for once and tell her how I feel....even though I have done that many times before.

 

She then asks what I was doing tomorrow and I said i'm going to the beach. She then asks who i'm going with and I told her "what use is it to you?" she said "because i deserve to know" and i told her "this is ridiculous. what does it matter who I am going with" and she said "because i'm petty and I want to know....just tell me. did you move on that fast???"

 

So I just told her "ok i'm dropping your stuff off at 5pm and thats it." and I told her goodbye and hung up. she spam called me like 10 times and then wrote out 4 huge paragraphs worth of text saying how bad of an individual I am and anything you can think imagineable to try HURTING me or getting a REACTION out of me. She even went to the extent of removing me on all social media and blocked my phone number. I simply replied to her text via facebook messenger and said "YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.....WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?????"

 

So this morning we spoke on the phone (she unblocked me of course without me doing anything) and she tells me she still loves me and still has a bit of hope in her that she will be willing to give me another chance. But her reason for calling is to once again bring up everything I did in the past to hurt her and how she has been nothing but a loyal dog for me and treated me like a god (in her own words) and how I didn't know how to appreciate it. So she wants me to tell her EVERYTHING I did to her that she already doesnt know. Her goal she said was to make me truly feel her pain that she had gone through and me acting like a cool cucumber right now she is enraged further.

 

I told her this is useless information at this point because she broke up with me....whats the use of talking about it? She told me she needs to know so she can get over me faster. I told her sorry I can't be the one to get dumped and then be the one to give you closure as well. I kept sticking to the fact that she broke up with me and all of this hate and anger shes fuming with is getting us no where.

 

I ended the call and said shes getting her stuff back and thats it. She then decided to text me right after and said "have fun with your DOWNGRADE. you look so stupid blaming your issues on me.

 

So now i'm at the point where idk wtf to do again. She clearly wants me to admit to all my "lies" and wants me to feel like crap for it. But then what? Should I tell her we should try to make it work? She said she still loves me and wants to be with me but the hurt is too much and when I dont give her the answers she wants or show that I am fighting for her then she blows up on me and says the meanest things.

 

I DO WANT HER BACK.....but not while she is in this mental state. I want to let her know I want her in my life too and that I love her but she needs to FORGIVE AND FORGET.

 

what should I do or say? Drop her things off and then be done? or text her one last thing to make peace with her so that in the future we can maybe get back together.....to end things on good terms in other words.

[dsprimal]

Also - I feel like I have the upper hand now and I don't want to get hurt and be on the other side again. So idk if she is trying to make me beg her back and then once she feels that power again she will then ruin me over again.

 

Her ego and pride is obviously hurt and she wants fulfillment but do I give it to her in hopes that she is truthful and will consider trying again? I just dont want to get hurt again.

[d0nnivain]

If you want her back you probably should not have been going to the beach with another woman & then refused to tell her about it.

 

Most of your problems seem to stem from your untrustworthy behavior. I don't see how you continuing to play games with her helps you.

[dsprimal]

I told her I was going to the beach with my friends and she didnt believe me. She already has this crazy thought that i'm seeing someone new and that I should have fun with my "downgrade". I told her I was dropping my stuff off and if shes there and wants to talk about it then, then ok. but otherwise thats it. Wish me the best of luck love shack. you all have been a great help. especially you d0nnivain.

[dsprimal]

I got myself into a whirl wind.....when I dropped off her stuff she subtly aroused me by rubbing her lips and nose on my neck back and forth when we hugged for our goodbye. She then started rubbing my arms and shoulders and slid her hands into my shirt and rubbed my back. I of course got horny and I went in for a kiss and we kissed for a bit and I grabbed her butt.

 

Now I know she feels like she has all the power and I am totally screwed up again...totally fell off that confidence to just end things with her. I feel like reaching out due to this urge now.

[d0nnivain]

I told you that you were going to buy another ticket on this dysfunctional ride. Some day but not today you will finally make each other so sick it will end for good.

[dsprimal]

Hello Loveshack,

 

My ex and I have been broken up for 3 weeks now. The more time that passes the more real the feelings become that it is over. I did so much wrong to her and I am filled with pain and regret. She has endured the cheating I have done and the constant worry and trust issues she had with me for so long that she finally gave up for good...I think...I hope not because I love her. She has been the only girl I have dated that truly understood me and tried changing me for the better and I just cant imagine her to not be in my life.

 

She usually always comes back and I know she still loves me inside under all the hate and frustration she has towards me. I believe this to be true. During the 3 week break we have contacted each other from time to time. She kept telling me how hard she tried for me and how much she loved me and how much she put into our relationship and she never got anything in return. She also assumed I was already dating and to have fun with my "downgrade". She wanted validation for her decision to break up by asking me to tell her EVERYTHING else I did and even went to the extent of saying so she can get over me easier and decide if I deserve another chance in the future. She said she feels a part of her wanting to give me another chance.

 

I found out that she has been on a date with another guy that is like a much better physically attractive guy than myself....it's my own insecurities. They met at the gym and have gone hiking together and to the movies. But I know in my gut she is probably on cloud 9 with him because he is so attractive (once again speculating).

 

I know she still cares for me. I feel it in my heart that she still feels for me. I want her back. So far it has been 1 week of NC which has been the longest since the initial break up. I have been going out and looking into apartments to move into and hitting the gym harder and bettering myself.....but I just can't shake the thought of her with another guy.....I know what I did was wrong in our relationship and I just miss her so much.....I love her. Do you think the chances of her with this new guy will be a definite end to any memories she has of me? She took me off snapchat because she said she just doesn't like me anymore and can't stand seeing me have fun or doing things and continue worrying what I was doing. She would question where I was or who I was with even after she broke up with me. She was so good to me.

[basil67]

Her being on cloud nine with him wouldn't just be about his looks. He may also be a decent guy who treats her respectfully and is good company.

 

Odds on it won't last with him - she's very young and will probably date a number of guys before finding 'the one'. And this dating of different guys will involve her growing and learning. Her experience with you will form part of her learning and life experience. She will learn to run away from men who treat her badly and know that she can move on without regret.

 

Meanwhile, I can only hope that you can learn and move on. Have you started therapy to figure out why you behaved so appallingly?

[preraph]

A woman has to have an emotional bond to want to have sex with you and be with you. Once you break that bond and that trust, she can never love you the same again or want you once she knows you purposely did something to hurt her which could have been avoided.

[Vanity1]

If you loved her why'd you feel the need to cheat on her, and hurt her countless times???

I would love to know from a cheaters perspective.

 

 

I'd say leave her alone, I think your ego is just hurt.

Edited August 6, 2017 by Hurtx10

[bummer]

, I think your ego is just hurt.

 

Didn't think of this as I read, but I'd second the speculation that your pride is on the ropes with your self-professed insecurities.

 

Rebounds are rebounds. Cloud 9 bro is a rebound. BUT really, you should analyze their fling less and focus on you.

 

Why did you cheat? Why are you so insecure? Why are you jealous of someone you love being happy with someone who by all means could be a vast improvement on you for much more than his looks? If you love her, don't you want her happiness first instead of your selfish loneliness to be mitigated?

 

Why do you deserve her? How would you behave any differently if, as you say, she runs back to you? Do you love yourself?

[dsprimal]

She was the only girl that treated me right and now I feel as if I tainted her pure love for me or for any future man she dates.

 

I cheated because I was too comfortable and this girl was my first long term relationship so I was so used to the single life and from dating her I was slow at trying to cut off old habits of constantly talking to other girls. I am insecure because i'm asian and I feel that by default minorities are sought out less than caucasians. Day in and day out i've seen girls react so differently and openly to caucasian men. This is where my insecurity comes in which then adds to my fear of not finding someone like this girl that genuinely loved me and stuck out as long as she could even with my baggage. I fear I will be alone since i'm 30 and this has now been my first and longest relationship ive been in.

 

All I know is that I miss her and that she still does love me to inside but maybe not in the way she used to anymore. But I do know she cares for me still and is masking it because she knows i'm no good for her and is really trying to leave me in the past.

 

The false hope I have left is because she said things during one of the last times we spoke she said the reason why she is so hurt snd wants me to feel her pain and the reason why she still lingers is because she does still love me. To me this felt like mixed signals. She neither wanted to come back fully because shes either distracting heself with this new guy or she fears she will get hurt again. I told her she broke up with me and idk where she was getting at. She said she just wants to be MISSED and to make me realize what I have done to her.

 

She said she wanted to know everything I did so she can get over me faster but then also to see if i'm worth another chance she feels like she would give me. I ruined that conversation by constantly reminding her that she broke up wth me and i do not see her end game. What was she getting at etc. so i told her this convo is going no where so i ended the convo and she spam called me multiple times. Later that day i dropped off her stuff off she was high from smoking and looked really out of it. We hugged and kissed a bit and then I left more confused than ever.

 

I texted her the following day and she was totally cold again saying she hates me shes done with me she doesnt want to talk about this matter anymore said I shouldnt have kissed her like that althogh she was very touchy and lured me into wanting to give her a kiss. I told her im trying to be civil and she said she tried to be the other day but I was acting all mighty and tough that I was over her. So she said in turn now she is over it to and to have a good life.

 

I ended up texting her later that night with a peaceful text saying I respect her decision and sorry for all I have caused and I wished her the beet and to not let me be the one to taint how she loves people in the future. Her response was kind and gentle saying she didn't mean to call me all those mean things but instead I just need to work on it. She said she will work on everrything and try be better herself and that it will be tough at times but she will be ok. I then thanked her for getting me off this track of being a cheater and she said she was happy to have had that impact to change me.

 

Since then it has been silent. 7 days and counting. I miss her so much and i feel like we may have a chance again in the future.

 

Her birthday is next month and idk if I should say happy birthday to her because she did for me eventho it was literally a week after the breakup and prior to me returning her things. So idk if that warrants me to say happy birthday for hers now?

[preraph]

You did taint her pure love. That's exactly right, and I'm glad you get it. So now you've learned about that. But changing the behavior that has come naturally to you may be more difficult than simply knowing it's wrong, but I wish the best for both of you.

[dsprimal]

My ex is 20 and i'm 30. We dated for 8 months. She broke up with me once before and came back after a week. This time she broke up with me and it seemed permanent up until yesterday when she reached out (it has been a month). I cheated on her by talking dirty to other girls throughout our relationship. From these issues she had trust issues and insecurities with me and we ended up fighting more than having fun because she was overly paranoid and worried whenever she wasn't around me. We both genuinely love each other.

 

During this month break I know she has been out with a guy she met at the gym....idk if they hooked up but i'm assuming the worst. I believe she was able to hold out from contacting me like she usually does by being distracted with this guy and being back on Tinder so shortly after she broke up with me. She contacted me twice the 1st week after we broke up and seemed like she wanted to come back but didn't know what she wanted. She was torn. I asked her to meet up with me that weekend to talk but she refused and posted poned it because she had plans (assuming with this other guy. almost positive).

 

She blocked me on all social media when she broke up with me, said I was manipulative, passive aggressive and a cheater. During the month break she ended up unblocking me on social media and began to like the pictures I had of us and of her on my page. She also views all of my snapchat stories in which I have been showing i've been having a great time going places etc. I never reacted or reached out for this entire month. She finally caved in and texted me yesterday.

 

She began the text asking if I can do her a favor, which was for me to make her HATE ME....??? She said she can't stop thinking of me, and she see's what I've been up to through social media and she can't get to the point of hating me herself so she wants me to do it for her. She then eventually let it all out and said that she still loves me, she forgives me for the things I've done, she has gotten rid of the toxicity she felt towards me, she thinks about me all the time, she wonders what i'm doing everyday, she is happy that i'm doing well in my life without her, she said I was genuinely her FIRST LOVE and that I will always be her first love and that she will always love me.

 

What do I do? I fear if I take her back she would leave me eventually again because she is so young. Also I fear that she is doing this out of her own thirst for attention? or maybe i'm just being insecure and can't take her words seriously because I don't want to be vulnerable to being hurt again? I feel great right now, I've been stress free but I do miss her and would love to go back to the puppy love phase me and her had because we did have many great times together and traveled places together. She was the only girl I have been with that I truly felt like I can be 100% myself around and vice versa. We were so comfortable with each other it was crazy. But I feel like it is tainted now and her motives aren't clear as they were before I began cheating and messed up the whole relationship. I am torn......do I risk taking her back?

[PegNosePete]

I fear if I take her back she would leave me eventually again

Yes, it does seem likely. She's left you twice already. What are the chances that a 3rd attempt will have a happy ending? Quite low, I'd say.

 

You seem to profess how great your relationship and love for each other are, yet you were cheating throughout your relationship? How come?

[MarvelFan1]

My ex is 20 and i'm 30. We dated for 8 months. She broke up with me once before and came back after a week. This time she broke up with me and it seemed permanent up until yesterday when she reached out (it has been a month). I cheated on her by talking dirty to other girls throughout our relationship. From these issues she had trust issues and insecurities with me and we ended up fighting more than having fun because she was overly paranoid and worried whenever she wasn't around me. We both genuinely love each other.

 

During this month break I know she has been out with a guy she met at the gym....idk if they hooked up but i'm assuming the worst. I believe she was able to hold out from contacting me like she usually does by being distracted with this guy and being back on Tinder so shortly after she broke up with me. She contacted me twice the 1st week after we broke up and seemed like she wanted to come back but didn't know what she wanted. She was torn. I asked her to meet up with me that weekend to talk but she refused and posted poned it because she had plans (assuming with this other guy. almost positive).

 

She blocked me on all social media when she broke up with me, said I was manipulative, passive aggressive and a cheater. During the month break she ended up unblocking me on social media and began to like the pictures I had of us and of her on my page. She also views all of my snapchat stories in which I have been showing i've been having a great time going places etc. I never reacted or reached out for this entire month. She finally caved in and texted me yesterday.

 

She began the text asking if I can do her a favor, which was for me to make her HATE ME....??? She said she can't stop thinking of me, and she see's what I've been up to through social media and she can't get to the point of hating me herself so she wants me to do it for her. She then eventually let it all out and said that she still loves me, she forgives me for the things I've done, she has gotten rid of the toxicity she felt towards me, she thinks about me all the time, she wonders what i'm doing everyday, she is happy that i'm doing well in my life without her, she said I was genuinely her FIRST LOVE and that I will always be her first love and that she will always love me.

 

What do I do? I fear if I take her back she would leave me eventually again because she is so young. Also I fear that she is doing this out of her own thirst for attention? or maybe i'm just being insecure and can't take her words seriously because I don't want to be vulnerable to being hurt again? I feel great right now, I've been stress free but I do miss her and would love to go back to the puppy love phase me and her had because we did have many great times together and traveled places together. She was the only girl I have been with that I truly felt like I can be 100% myself around and vice versa. We were so comfortable with each other it was crazy. But I feel like it is tainted now and her motives aren't clear as they were before I began cheating and messed up the whole relationship. I am torn......do I risk taking her back?

How can you say you 'both' genuinely love each other, if your willing to cheat on her, by texting dirty messages to other women, and you haven't even been together for a year, so it's not like it's been a 10 year relationship and your bored... If anything I think it's her who genuinely loves you, I think you want to have your cake and eat it, being with her and messaging other women, sorry to be blunt.

 

Don't take her back, the damage has been done and by the sounds of it, this is a toxic relationship, built on push pulling and neediness after the cheating fiasco. You need to stop living on the good times and move on and find someone who you really want to be with. If you only really wanted her and was so in love, you would have been faithful, not caving in out the gates.

 

I know I sound like a douche, but you're living in a fantasy land, from my point of view, go no contact and move on with your life, for her sake and yours.