What am I doing wrong? [OLD]

[Bastile]

I am afraid. Every dating experience I have ends up a disaster.

 

Then you likely have some funny stories. That's part of a life well lived.

 

When I see friends, it's the bad stories which are most enjoyable to share.

 

I am so awkward. Guys don't like me.

 

Everybody is awkward.

 

"This entire thing we're involved with called the world is an opportunity to exhibit how exciting alienation can be" - Timothy Levitch.

 

Maybe I shouldn't even be on here. I am not having luck. Writing a good profile did help, no doubt, and I have received a few more messages and far better quality. Beyond that it seems a lot of the guys are struggling with conversation. Or maybe it is the guys I pick to chat with? I am not talking to the guys I actually like because I am so nervous I am going to screw up again.

 

I've never understood not going for the people that you want. Growth happens outside of our comfort zones.

 

I don't know how you do it, No_Go. Maybe it is your age group? What age group are the guys you are talking to because I mostly get messaged by guys around mid late 20s to early-mid 30s. I list a bunch of interests on there including astronomy/cosmology/philosophy and they usually message me asking what video games I like .............

 

That's obviously something just to filter out lol

[bene]

I'm confused, do you really even want to date? It almost looks like you feel that you should and it becomes a chore but deep down you don't even want to. In some other thread you said that you are relieved when you finish the conversations and are "off the hook". You are beautiful and articulate yet refuse to fill in a few sentences in your profile to let it shine through. You want a connection but don't want to share information to base the connection on and when someone you like makes contact, you run the other way.

 

I know the feeling that the whole dating game and disappointments etc can be exhausting but there is really no other way to meet people than actually meeting them. I don't like the early phases of dating and I'd rather curl up in a blanket with a book than go on another coffee date but even I put on my dating pants and went on dates until I found my partner.

 

Interestingly you give sound advice to others in other threads, so you should be able to figure out what you want for yourself and act accordingly.

[CptInsano]

I am afraid. Every dating experience I have ends up a disaster. I am so awkward. Guys don't like me. Maybe I shouldn't even be on here. I am not having luck. [/Quote]

 

I don't think it's luck. It's because you are afraid. It is really hard to connect with somebody who is afraid.

 

I list a bunch of interests on there including astronomy/cosmology/philosophy and they usually message me asking what video games I like .............

 

But you realize that people with a science background are often into games, not only video games but games in general, right? A game is nothing else but another modeling exercise. I'm not sure what your background is, but as a physicist I dread people who want to discuss cosmology with me, unless I'm talking to an astrophysicist.

[No_Go]

Don't be scared Cookies. Dating disasters are part of life and they shouldn't stop you from trying again. Same way that you'd not quit working because you have had a crappy boss once or twice, right?

 

You asked for age group - I'm 32, I'm usually setting my range 30-39, although 2-3 years younger or older is ok as well. All the (interesting) guys that messaged me this time around were 34-37.

 

M main advise will be to ignore the messages that are not targeted to something in your profile. The guys that asked about video games probably copy/paste the same message to 100 women at a time. Look for the ones that comment something specific for your pictures, profile etc.

 

I

I don't know how you do it, No_Go. Maybe it is your age group? What age group are the guys you are talking to because I mostly get messaged by guys around mid late 20s to early-mid 30s. I list a bunch of interests on there including astronomy/cosmology/philosophy and they usually message me asking what video games I like .............

[Cookiesandough]

TY bene, bastille, Cpt, no_go

 

I know dating isn't easy for everyone and some of us have to push through it. It's encouraging to hear that you were able to find a partner, Bene.

 

I have video games listed as one of my interests lol, sorry I was unclear, but the issue is most cherry pick the topics which to small talk. You're probably right, cpt, most people find discussing doxastic voluntarism a bit exhausting for online dating, but you No_Go said she has deep philosophical conversations. They ask about my pet bunny, etc.

 

I think I have just been too chicken. Going to just bite the bullet and talk to people. What have I got to lose. Thanks so much for encouragement.

[No_Go]

Cookies as any social skill dating comes with experience. It is like going on an interview - after a few you can predict the questions no matter of the company and the position.

 

The fact guys pick topics, even small talk topics, from your profile is GOOD. Hang on that. I don't see anything wrong in discussing pets and games if that's within your interests (heck my current favorite guy that I can't stop raving about also had a good convo with me about our cats For cat lovers this topic is endearing, for anyone else it would have been annoying, that's why I can emphasize enough how important is to represent yourself in your profile correctly).

 

If you don't want to discuss a certain topic - avoid mentioning it in your profile and skip profiles that discuss it (e.g. I'm not into group sports - I skip guys that present themselves as big sport fans).

[GunslingerRoland]

I get the feeling you are just sitting in the water waiting for the biggest and best fish to jump into your boat?

 

I get it, you are a beautiful woman, and you've probably been conditioned by a lifetime of the men chasing you.

 

But by the sounds of it, you are putting the absolute bare minimum amount of effort into trying to meet men on OLD and then getting mad that you aren't getting quality guys. If it was working, more power to you, but it's not so why continue with the definition of insanity, and start putting in the same effort you expect of men. Get better pictures, fill in your profile, sending a half meaningful first message.

[CptInsano]

[...]

I have video games listed as one of my interests lol, sorry I was unclear, but the issue is most cherry pick the topics which to small talk. You're probably right, cpt, most people find discussing doxastic voluntarism a bit exhausting for online dating, but you No_Go said she has deep philosophical conversations. They ask about my pet bunny, etc.

 

Of course they pick specific interests from your profile. It is near impossible that somebody will match them exactly, and I suspect they pick the least confrontational ones to start with. I would consider that a reasonable approach.

 

Yes, you can have deeply philosophical discussions, but that is unlikely to occur immediately. (There are exceptions, I got to know a rather attractive woman through a discussion about the privatization of public infrastructure. That doesn't happen often, though.)

 

But keep in mind, you are ultimately looking for an emotional response, not an intellectual one. You are not searching for a friend nor somebody to debate.

[d0nnivain]

I am afraid. Every dating experience I have ends up a disaster. I am so awkward. Guys don't like me. Maybe I shouldn't even be on here. I am not having luck. Writing a good profile did help, no doubt, and I have received a few more messages and far better quality. Beyond that it seems a lot of the guys are struggling with conversation. Or maybe it is the guys I pick to chat with? I am not talking to the guys I actually like because I am so nervous I am going to screw up again.

 

A guy I was talking to but I blocked/deleted on my phone looked at my profile tonight and I panicked. I felt guilty like maybe he tried messaging me. Probably not, but I blocked to be safe

 

 

There is nothing to be afraid of.

 

 

Dating is simply talking to people. It's not any more complicated then that. Stop over thinking it.

 

 

Go on the date. Be prepared to talk about yourself a little, like getting to know a new friend. You don't have to disclose every hope & dream or deep dark secret but maybe discuss your favorite movie, favorite food, how you came to be in your profession etc. It's small talk but small talk is important to break the ice.

 

 

From the first date all you are trying to do is find out if you want to have a second date. You are not obligated to decide whether you want to marry & have kids. It's a conversation. That's all. Just two people getting to know each other.

 

 

Sometimes from that initial meeting you can tell OMG there's no way I can spend 1 more second with this person let alone have a relationship, but those strong reactions are not the norm.

 

 

Everybody thinks they are awkward. Everybody. You are not unique in being worried that you will make a bad impression. Even if you do something embarrassing, if you can laugh at yourself, it should be fine. Most people will think, there but by the grace of God go I.

 

 

These hot guys already decided you are somebody they would like to take some of their precious time to meet. You have to have something going for you. Even if you don't believe that, they do, so go with their opinions.

 

 

By prematurely prejudging these guys who have already reached out to you & not getting back to them, you are hurting them by rejecting them. Be the kinder person. Hear what they have to say.

 

 

If you can't do that, perhaps you should not be dating. You may need therapy to ascertain why you are so shy you're frozen. Because you being on a dating site, but refusing to even message back is you playing games & that is not fair to the men who took the time to message you.

[JuneL]

You are a pretty young woman with lots of initial attention from guys, but the following suggestion (which I usually give to an inexperienced, socially awkward guy) might be useful for your particular situation: just take each date as a practice; this way, you won't take even a small hint of a negative outcome so personally.

[rushed]

This guy is just out of my league/too good looking for me, IMO. Passing him over.

 

Hahaha! I love reading your posts because they remind me so much of the stuff I was thinking and doing when I was on OLD. Just say hello back to guy. You never know where it may go.

[staggerlee71]

I'm online dating. In fact, I'm trying to get something going this very second on Bumble.

 

We are texting back and forth and I'm trying to find a something funny I can say based on where I am directing the conversation. so Heres the thing, I can only start with what she puts in her profile or pics. Then, I can only build momentum based on her replies. If she is short, it will die on the vine because I will tire of trying and also think she is not interested or she has zero personality for me. her responses are getting better...giving me something I can work with to get to know her.

 

if you don't take a risk, youll get nothing. but your getting that anyway so just throw something out there.

 

if you do what you always do, you will get what you always get!!

[Cookiesandough]

Normal person, anyone who online dates, can help plz? I hate to bump this but since there isn't a consolidated discussion, I have to ask here.

 

I'm still having extreme online dating problems. I am talking to someone I like but he still hasn't asked me out and I'm losing interest. I'd really prefer not to ask him out because although he'd probably will agree to it, actually asking me out is an strong indicator of the interest and personality I'm looking for.

 

Usually, I don't get in this deep or talk to men this verbose, but I chose to really engage on recommendation of posters here. We've only had 5 exchanges, but his messages are essay-length long and have been concluded with "sorry for breaking your inbox". Mine are pretty long too. So even though it's only been 5 messages between us (2 him, 2 me, 1 him) I'm already tired of texting him.

 

This usually about the time I just stop responding, but given how much effort he is putting into his responses and that I was pretty interested in him I don't know what to do.

 

 

His last reply is about 6 paragraphs long with lots of questions for me....This is the closing paragraph

 

"If you don't go over my writing with a red pen, I promise I won't do it to yours. While I appreciate correct spelling, punctuation, and the right their/there, the bar is so low now, I'm just happy we aren't communicating purely in emoji. Also, I know I'm going to screw up royally at some point and not notice, so I'm trying to soften that blow in advance and hopefully you won't take me for a complete moron when that day comes. (I'm not proofreading this. It was probably today.)"

 

So you can get an idea of how annoying this is but how difficult it is to just stop responding at this point. He's talking in future tense like he intends for there to be a lot of this writing. Can anyone help me ??? Am I too impatient? Do you think him not asking me out just means he's not interested enough? Is there a way to respond to cut in short without seeming impatient or is okay to just walk away and stop responding at this point? Also how tacky is it to have a little note in profile that you'd rather meet people relatively early no penpals??

Edited August 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

Oh also I'm having professional pics taken by a friend next Wednesday

[kazen]

Are you afraid of social interactions with strangers? Maybe you should get a part-time job as a waitress to help you develop social skills and you'll meet lots of guys as well.

[Cookiesandough]

Are you afraid of social interactions with strangers? Maybe you should get a part-time job as a waitress to help you develop social skills and you'll meet lots of guys as well.

 

I would actually like to meet this guy and chat with him in person. I have anxiety on DATES. but I'm actually very friendly. I just tired of so much writing. Is that wrong? Or is that part and parcel with OLD. Did you read the part where he wrote 6 paragraphs with a lot of questions? Shouldn't some be saved for date?

 

Thank you!!

Edited August 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[kazen]

I would actually like to meet this guy and chat with him in person. I have anxiety on DATES. but I'm actually very friendly. I just tired of so much writing. Is that wrong? Or is that part and parcel with OLD. Did you read the part where he wrote 6 paragraphs with a lot of questions? Shouldn't some be saved for date?

 

Thank you!!

 

I think he wrote all those paragraphs is to try to get to know you. Dating is about getting to know someone and maybe he is trying to save money by asking lots of questions before dating to see if you're his type. I hear lots of guys complain about going on dates and paying for it then realize their was no chemistry or they have nothing in common. It can get fairly expensive for guys if they go on lots of dates from OLD.

 

Yea, I know you have anxiety from dates. That's why I suggest getting a job as a waitress since it puts you in a simulated date situation because you'll meet men who will try and pick you up. Over time your anxiety might be less prevalent. I know when I used to be afraid of dating or speaking to people in general then I got a job working in retail and I had to help customers all day, at first I was scared and then overtime I got more comfortable and my anxiety went away. I now can be myself on dates. And I think that's the whole point of dating is to be yourself and find someone who likes you for who you are. I see people get nervous on dates when they try to act different so the other person will like them. Trying too hard can make dating stressful. Just relax and pretend you're hanging out with an old friend and want to know what they have been up to for all these years. That's pretty much my mindset when I go on dates.

[thefooloftheyear]

I would actually like to meet this guy and chat with him in person. I have anxiety on DATES. but I'm actually very friendly. I just tired of so much writing. Is that wrong? Or is that part and parcel with OLD. Did you read the part where he wrote 6 paragraphs with a lot of questions? Shouldn't some be saved for date?

 

Thank you!!

 

 

I'm probably the last one to know, I have no experience with this, but why don't you just be direct, but do it in a playful manner...

 

Tell him your Carpal Tunnel is flaring up, so perhaps you can give it a rest and save it for a meet up...

 

Or something along those lines...I dunno....Just as a guy talking here, and from the little I read, he sounds like a bit of a weeny...Almost sounds like a little kid at Christmas, trying to unwrap a present and not tear the paper...Just open it already.....

 

Good luck, kid

 

TFY

[Cookiesandough]

I think he wrote all those paragraphs is to try to get to know you. Dating is about getting to know someone and maybe he is trying to save money by asking lots of questions before dating to see if you're his type. I hear lots of guys complain about going on dates and paying for it then realize their was no chemistry or they have nothing in common. It can get fairly expensive for guys if they go on lots of dates from OLD.

 

Yea, I know you have anxiety from dates. That's why I suggest getting a job as a waitress since it puts you in a simulated date situation because you'll meet men who will try and pick you up. Over time your anxiety might be less prevalent. I know when I used to be afraid of dating or speaking to people in general then I got a job working in retail and I had to help customers all day, at first I was scared and then overtime I got more comfortable and my anxiety went away. I now can be myself on dates. And I think that's the whole point of dating is to be yourself and find someone who likes you for who you are. I see people get nervous on dates when they try to act different so the other person will like them. Trying too hard can make dating stressful. Just relax and pretend you're hanging out with an old friend and want to know what they have been up to for all these years. That's pretty much my mindset when I go on dates.

 

I was a waitress, a barista, and worked in two clothing stores throughout my life, it's not a date situation, what?!?! Kazen, are you flirting with your waitresses tsk. I am great with people IRL, very outgoing and friendly. No one believes I am shy(though I am) because I have lots of practice engaging with people...I just get nervous when it's a romantic interest and they ask very personal questions and sizing me up in a romantic manner. I guess you might be right he's looking for chemistry, but there's little way to know if you have actual chemistry until you guys are in the flesh. A person can be a very good texter/typer and totally awkward in person and vise versa. I don't even like texting my friends this much...I do need to work on not trying to hard on dates, though. Thank you !!

[Cookiesandough]

I'm probably the last one to know, I have no experience with this, but why don't you just be direct, but do it in a playful manner...

 

Tell him your Carpal Tunnel is flaring up, so perhaps you can give it a rest and save it for a meet up...

 

Or something along those lines...I dunno....Just as a guy talking here, and from the little I read, he sounds like a bit of a weeny...Almost sounds like a little kid at Christmas, trying to unwrap a present and not tear the paper...Just open it already.....

 

Good luck, kid

 

TFY

 

I think the carpal tunnel joke is actually a brilliant idea. I might work that in there. Thank you, TFY.

[kazen]

I was a waitress, a barista, and worked in two clothing stores throughout my life, it's not a date situation, what?!?! Kazen, are you flirting with your waitresses tsk. I am great with people IRL, very outgoing and friendly. No one believes I am shy(though I am) because I have lots of practice engaging with people...I just get nervous when it's a romantic interest and they ask very personal questions and sizing me up in a romantic manner. I guess you might be right he's looking for chemistry, but there's little way to know if you have actual chemistry until you guys are in the flesh. A person can be a very good texter/typer and totally awkward in person and vise versa. I don't even like texting my friends this much...I do need to work on not trying to hard on dates, though. Thank you !!

 

I don't flirt with waitresses, it's usually the other way around (they want bigger tips). I don't blame ya for having dating anxiety, it's common. Especially with today's dating scene with OLD, you are basically meeting a complete stranger and who knows what kind of person he really is. For guys, I guess we don't usually fear females as much as girls have to be more careful of the guys. Anyways, it sounds like if you met someone through a non date situation like from a classroom or workplace or maybe a social gathering with friends would be much easier for you to connect with someone. Anyways, I don't use OLD precisely because I prefer to date someone I already know well enough, like an acquaintance. My ideal girlfriend is a girl who is already my bestfriend. Good luck to you!

[Cookiesandough]

TY for the advice I think I am just not gonna respond. F my life.

[lovephule]

Also how tacky is it to have a little note in profile that you'd rather meet people relatively early no penpals??

 

Tacky or not I've had such a note. Did not work!

[Cookiesandough]

Tacky or not I've had such a note. Did not work!

 

figures. I always scoffed at the "NO HOOKUPS" caveat...now I understand. I just haven't been able to get that far yet

Edited August 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GunslingerRoland]

 

"If you don't go over my writing with a red pen, I promise I won't do it to yours. While I appreciate correct spelling, punctuation, and the right their/there, the bar is so low now, I'm just happy we aren't communicating purely in emoji. Also, I know I'm going to screw up royally at some point and not notice, so I'm trying to soften that blow in advance and hopefully you won't take me for a complete moron when that day comes. (I'm not proofreading this. It was probably today.)"

 

I get the sense from that last paragraph that he is very into you, but not very confident... I mean he's worried he's going to scare you away over a typo.