Not ready to quit

[Jersey born raised]

He could say the same to her. Perhaps he should explaining he views the loss as a reason to bond even closer over the shared joy of the two sons they have.

 

Does she destroy her two sons lives due to the loss of the third?

[Superchicken]

not to defend her because what she's done is very wrong BUT saying that he's a constant reminder of pain and sad times is not the same as saying it was his fault the child died.

 

She used it as an excuse/reasoning why she cheated.

Cheats always deflect the blame to the betrayed. Ergo, what she said was CRAP !.

Why not blame the cost of fuel too, as to why she cheated.

 

 

Ted.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My daughter lost a child...and i can tell you first hand that it changes people...and we all react differently.

 

I think many of this wife's behavor issues certainly can stem from unprocessed loss and grief. I realize that both parents lost their baby...but we all process differently.

 

I am NOT using this as an excuse...because there simply is NO excuse for cheating...it is WRONG period....But I wonder if she is on a self destructive mission.

 

PTSD is real....and it can affect people years later...and it can be self destructive.

 

So OP....I make no excuse for your wife...but I whole heartedly think she needs help. Her lashing out at you certainly does indicate some unprocessed blame issues...but mostly i think she is lashing out at herself.

 

Just food for thought.

[wmacbride]

I feel bad for both you and your wife. Losing a child can be so difficult.

 

This being said, it doesn't excuse her cheating, but it may well explain it. It sounds like she hasn't really coped well with your child's death, and she needs some help with this.

 

Right now, it doesn't sound like she is good relationship material, and the way she thinks she can just trow a switch and everything will go back to normal shows she really isn't thinking clearly, and could well cheat again as a form of "self medication".

 

Until she faces her grief and learns better ways of coping, you won't be able to trust her.

[Just a Guy]

Hi 3strikes, guess it is a sad situation to be in. I wanted to ask you how your relationship with your wife has been overall and then after the sad passing of your second son? Has your wife distanced herself emotionally from you since that traumatic event? Are you two intimate with each other on a regular basis or has that too, dropped of and is now an infrequent occurrence. I have noted that there is a twelve year age gap between you two and your wife is at the peak of her sexual development. You, on the other hand are definitely on the downswing of your sexual capabilities. Apart from that the big age difference could also result in a bit of a generational gap between the two of you. Your choices and likes and dislikes may be at variance with hers. Couple that with the difference in sexual desire and things may be a bit out of kilter for a smooth ride in your relationship. I accept that I may be completely wrong in my assessment and things may just be hunky dory on both the fronts that I have mentioned. You are the best judge of that. The other possibility is that your wife may be having one of those so called mid life crisis. I do not really understand this term having come across it only on this forum but from all that I have read about it here it seems to be a very real and painful problem.

 

Cheating is never right and if your wife was unhappy she should have talked it over with you and if things were not resolved she should have put divorce on the table. You are caught between the Devil and the Deep blue sea with this situation considering that you have two young boys whose lives are about to be disrupted. Your wife had acted selfishly by cheating for jeopardizing the future of her sons in this horrific manner. However, now that the die is cast you have to ne resolute in your decisions and the actions that stem from them. Only if your wife fully commits to the marriage, shows true remorse and does the so called heavy lifting to help save and heal the marriage and also help you heal can you think of reconciling with her. Any effort on her part which falls short of this will render any attempted reconciliation to be still born. You and only you can decide if she is putting in the requisite effort and she cannot dictate anything to you in thisatter. You have a difficult road ahead of you so tread carefully. Warm wishes.

[hammyy2k]

I feel bad for both you and your wife. Losing a child can be so difficult.

 

This being said, it doesn't excuse her cheating, but it may well explain it. It sounds like she hasn't really coped well with your child's death, and she needs some help with this.

 

Right now, it doesn't sound like she is good relationship material, and the way she thinks she can just trow a switch and everything will go back to normal shows she really isn't thinking clearly, and could well cheat again as a form of "self medication".

 

Until she faces her grief and learns better ways of coping, you won't be able to trust her.

 

i dont think it explains

 

excuse my language, one would be a very low life, , to cheat after one has lost a child.

[sandylee1]

I agree that she's trying to use your child's death as an excuse.

With that manipulative move... You can't change who you are, or that your son passed and I don't see how that view of hers will change.

 

I interpret her words as, she doesn't have the memory of your son when she looks at the OM.

 

She likes the excitement from the affair... That's simple. Anything else is an attempt to justify her behaviour.

 

Did she not feel ashamed when you told people about the affair? Who did you tell?

[ahmed8xm]

She is a cake eater.

 

Everybody has problems

 

No one is 100 percent happy in their marriage

 

It doesn't mean they can cheat.

 

If she cannot remain faithful in bad times then

She doesn't deserve a marriage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

i dont think it explains

 

excuse my language, one would be a very low life, , to cheat after one has lost a child.

 

I happen to know a couple of women who DID cheat after losing a child....not because they are LOW...but becasue they frankly dont give a rats arse anymore...

 

When your world has come crashing down around you sometimes you act out in very bad ways...drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever.....

 

I dont pretend to know the mindset of this woman..or how she dealt with her childs death...but i am saying sometimes we need to give folks the benefit of the doubt instead of judging them.

 

her behavior is wrong....regardless of the "whys" involved...so let's get her some help instead of burning her at the stake. I would advise serious therapy...immediately.

[wmacbride]

i dont think it explains

 

excuse my language, one would be a very low life, , to cheat after one has lost a child.

 

It's crappy behavior.but extremely common,and the same holds true for parents of special needs kids and kids who are facing a health crisis.

 

it doesn't make it okay and it doesn't lessen the harm it can do.

[harrybrown]

Do not waste any money on IC or MC, because she is still in contact with her boy toy.

 

File for D and give her the papers.

 

She might wake up.

 

But tell her after the D, she can try to get you back, but she will have to compete for you.

 

And you know that she is a cheater. She has a big disadvantage.

 

No excuse for cheating.

 

She is not the same person you think that she is or was.

 

She is cheating on her kids also.

 

Tell her she can go live with her boy toy and his mommy and daddy.

 

Just leave you and the kids alone. She has lost the right to choose.

 

So now you get to choose. She is addicted.

 

You can not deal rationally with an addict and her drug of choice, her boy toy.

 

Her thoughts are all about him and not her family.

[wmacbride]

I happen to know a couple of women who DID cheat after losing a child....not because they are LOW...but becasue they frankly dont give a rats arse anymore...

 

When your world has come crashing down around you sometimes you act out in very bad ways...drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever.....

 

I dont pretend to know the mindset of this woman..or how she dealt with her childs death...but i am saying sometimes we need to give folks the benefit of the doubt instead of judging them.

 

her behavior is wrong....regardless of the "whys" involved...so let's get her some help instead of burning her at the stake. I would advise serious therapy...immediately.

 

Many parents lose themselves, and turn to drugs, alcohol or other behavior to numb the pain.

 

Some also do it to punish themselves for what happened to their child. Grief can do odd things to people.

 

All this being said, it doesn't sound like marriage is the right place for her right now. If her child's death is contributing to her behavior, that won't change until she faces what she's done and why she dd it.

 

For many parents who have lost a child, that's just too painful.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mrs. Adams, what you say may be correct but the same conditions apply to the husband. The other thing is that her cheating did not happen in the immediate aftermath of the sad passing on of her son. It happened seven years after the event and coincided with her rejoining the workforce. It seems to me that even if nothing tragic like the loss of a child had occurred she would probably have cheated anyway because at the workplace she was suddenly exposed to new and possibly more interesting people than her husband who was the same old guy she had been with for so many years. Of course the baggage of the marriage including the tragic loss of her son would have played a part.

 

My own thinking is that the large age difference between the two of them including the fact that she is at the prime of her sexual drive whereas her husband's sexual drive is probably on the wane is the more likely driver for her noxious behaviour. I can understand if the couple had an only child who was taken away from them. The devastation would have been unbearable whereas, with two other children who also need the love, care and attention of their parents one would imagine that both parents would display the fortitude to be there for them at all times. By cheating on her husband their mother has also cheated on them by putting their future in jeopardy. By all means she should undergo therapy but then so do so many other cheating spouses. No doubt there is something broken in her but it does not necessarily have to relate solely to the sad loss of her child. There could be many other things wrong with her. In any case I think 3strikes needs the support of everyone here to help him through this traumatic phase of his life. Warm wishes.

[notbroken]

When someone says:

 

"...she told me that she love both of us and that she is confused and needs space..."

 

you should immediately respond that you understand and are going to eliminate her confusion by not playing along and being 'plan B'. You are NOT an option until she notifies her AP they are finished and to never contact her again, quits her job if it was a work partner, you have notified the AP's spouse, and she gives you access to ALL her accounts/phone. Playing 'pick me' is suicide for your relationship and self esteem. Don't play it - even for a minute.

You can't compete with a fantasy. Don't even try. Doing so makes you seem weak/undesireable and will lead to both your relationship's and your own downfall.

[Bufo]

Some years ago here there was a post by Bugz Bunny titled "if you love them let them go". I think you can find it on Google by that title plus Loveshack Forums.

 

Read it carefully. It explains why you should tell WW to go to OM where WW is I remorseful or simply cake eating. The logic of to save your marriage you must be prepared to lose it becomes clear.

 

One more point. If WW gets argumentative learn these words. I'm Sorry You Feel That Way.

You never loved me. Answer is in sorry you feel that way

You weren't there for me. Answer is sorry you feel that way

You are not a good lover. Answer is sorry you feel that way.

 

See how using this frustrates her attempts to draw you into a fight? Y

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi Mrs. Adams, what you say may be correct but the same conditions apply to the husband. The other thing is that her cheating did not happen in the immediate aftermath of the sad passing on of her son. It happened seven years after the event and coincided with her rejoining the workforce. It seems to me that even if nothing tragic like the loss of a child had occurred she would probably have cheated anyway because at the workplace she was suddenly exposed to new and possibly more interesting people than her husband who was the same old guy she had been with for so many years. Of course the baggage of the marriage including the tragic loss of her son would have played a part.

 

My own thinking is that the large age difference between the two of them including the fact that she is at the prime of her sexual drive whereas her husband's sexual drive is probably on the wane is the more likely driver for her noxious behaviour. I can understand if the couple had an only child who was taken away from them. The devastation would have been unbearable whereas, with two other children who also need the love, care and attention of their parents one would imagine that both parents would display the fortitude to be there for them at all times. By cheating on her husband their mother has also cheated on them by putting their future in jeopardy. By all means she should undergo therapy but then so do so many other cheating spouses. No doubt there is something broken in her but it does not necessarily have to relate solely to the sad loss of her child. There could be many other things wrong with her. In any case I think 3strikes needs the support of everyone here to help him through this traumatic phase of his life. Warm wishes.

 

We all handle and process things differently.. and it's can show itself many years later.

 

And she could just be a terrible person... but I think before I kicked her to the curb I would pursue help... and if it turns out she's a selfish cheat.. then he can kick her out.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mrs. Adams, thank you for your response. Actually, I wouldn't advocate 'Throwing her to the curb'. I agree that any such case must be dealt with compassionately and in any case I think the OP is not prepared to cast her aside just yet.

 

That said, his wife has to start with the bare minimum of starting to display remorse for her cheating if she is at all interested in saving her marriage. I am not sure that OP would be willing to invest time and money in having her attend therapy if she is not remorseful in the least for the betrayal that she has perpetrated. Currently she is undecided as to who she loves more. Her affair is not yet over and she has not committed fully to her husband. In such circumstances she is leaving very little leeway for her husband to heal and forgive her and move forward with reconciliation, therapy and a happy and fruitful life. Warm wishes.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She certainly is not going to be remorseful as long as she is absorbed in her own pain...

 

Remorse may never happen or it could take years

 

I would agree right now she is not even showing regret

 

But it could be for multiple reasons and I think it is worth pursuing the demons chasing her.

 

It's like I said... this is his call... and they have both endured so much heartache...

 

This story is truly breaking my heart... losing a child is the worst thing you can endure... and watching your child lose a child is horrible...

 

I would certainly call on her parents for help if I was the op...for support.. for advice... maybe they can reach her.

[3strikes1]

Ok... update...Sunday morning I got home from work, hugged the boys, walked the dogs. She gave me a quick hello... just said hi and it was off to bed. Had planned a trip to the beach... so it was a two hour nap. Hadn't even been asleep for 30 min before she was by my side wanting to talk... just ignored her and went back to sleep.. was set on putting 180 to work! The ride to the beach was quiet... slept and stared out the window... no starting conversations... got to the beach and just relaxed...played with the boys in the surf and before inknee it she was in with us... very unusual... almost lost my focus on 180... but didn't...got home and she fixed dinner. nect year my 50th... dreading it! It came up in conversation so I said I was going to plan a party with all my old college friends so it didn't hurt as bad... she blurts out that she was going to throw me a surprise party???.... left it alone because the boys were there... passed out after dinner....exhausted from no sleep...

ignored hr leaving for work Monday... we gave my oldest hr phone since she has a new one... was deleting stuff off of it and found some junk on it.. couldn't help it so I called her on it...I stated dwelling on everything and decided I've had enough... sent her a text telling her that no matter what I did I was pushing hr away so I had decided to let her go... that I was done... she immediately died back questions but I ignored them... she got home and 180 was still in full effect..next thing I knew she was standing in front of me grabbed me and told me she asntvgoing anywhere... wasn't leaving me... that she wanted only me..I tried not to dive in but kissed her and said ok....went back to making dinner... she disappeared .... several weeks ago I took my wedding ring off and put it on her dresser... when she asked why I told her it didn't mean **** to me right now and that when she decided to stay with me she could give it back... turned into a fight so I just told her to throw it away....she came walking down stairs with my ring and asked me to marry her.... as stupid as I am I said ok and it was a decent night... actually slept in the American bed for the first time in 4 months.. just slept...today shevwas a little distant, but I attribute that to her being in pain from a physical problem... therapist advised to take it slow... knew that already... I don't trust it... she is going to have to prove to me that she is back. If I find anything from him then it will be all business... no 180.... strictly lawyer time...not going to hesitate or bother to talk about it... I will be done

[S2B]

Wow, it's nice to be her... a short sweet talking and you fold!

 

Why not leave the ring off and file for divorce? She hasn't really done anything yet to repair all that damage she's caused!

 

You folded when you were just getting started! Get back to your 180 and make her scared she's losing you. That's the ONLY way she seems to improve.

 

Leave divorce papers around. Start filling them out so she knows she's got to make progress in order to stay married.

 

What did the attorney say?

[Superchicken]

Good and upsetting news combined..

 

 

You need to go, what I call "Commando".

Always on your toes, never believe anything on face value, until full reckon is done.

Don't believe anything unless you see it yourself, question every move, phone call/text in your mind.

Sleep with one eye open at all times.

 

 

You get the jist of it..

 

 

Its all about YOU, not her.

Melodramatics will continue for sometime, but you will need to go at your own pace.

Don't let anyone else dictate when you should be OK with her. It may never happen, and for most it never does, and they split.

 

 

Yeah, I know you feel good that she's doing all this, and things are looking up.

But, on the other end of the balance scales, you have the crap she did, and with everything that went with it.

 

 

It may be some time before you put that endless video loop of her and the OM, but maybe not totally put it away, maybe hit "Pause".

Allow yourself enough time to see if you can move forward with her.

Don't make a harsh decision based on one feeling you got going through a phone. Think it a few times over first, over a couple of hours "Time out".

 

 

Keep going as you are, and maybe, she can show you the remorse, you so need right now.

 

 

Good luck dude..

Look forward to your updates, as I'm sure others are, who are in the same, or worse position..

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[3strikes1]

My first response is to tell you to kiss my@$$, but I know you are right... I did fold way to quickly.... didn't see it coming at all...definitely going to hit the 180 band wagon and stay on it for a while... she needs to prove to me that she is back and serious about us....I want to believe she is especially after all we have been through, but after what she has put me through there is no way in hell

[3strikes1]

Thanks Ted...it will be a long while before the trust is there.... I wish I could trust her, but that is a long ways off... this is the last straw .... if the other night was a ploy or if she is full of it then she is gone..I have reached my bs limit... I'm sure there will be ups and downs .... aren't there always but if her little boyfriend is still around I will be done... just clad she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed... got the new phone last week.. I knew the pass code to it the next day.... she said he had stopped communicating... from what I have seen it is true... she hasn't been deleting stuff because she isn't afraid I will see it

[S2B]

Start checking to see if she's got a new burner phone as well...that's why she wouldn't be afraid you'll find anything = it's all going to a phone you don't know about.

 

Put a nest camera in your home and video/record her - find out what she's doing and saying when you're not there.

 

Do not tell her you've installed surveillance - you can watch/hear her in real time from an app on your phone. This should help you to know more of what she's doing.

[3strikes1]

That's the beautiful thing about working mid nights.. most would think that was bad, but thanks to ADT it isn't ... I can set the alarm when I leave and I can monitor when it is turned on and off... sounds ignorant, but I know she wouldn't bring him around our sons...plus too many nosey neighbors.. several of them know this fool and would call me at work if they saw him or his vehicle....I'm so glad karma is alive and well... can't wait til this bastard gets his ... I know it isn't all his fault but he knows exactly what he is doing...