Author Rko28 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 Yeah that is something that would confuse me too... I'm the dumpee in my current breakup (4yr relationship, breakup 2 mos ago). But if we step into the dumpers shoes think about what they are saying. They are saying they don't feel anything for us anymore but wish they felt differently because it sucks making someone else suffer. My ex said something similar they day he broke up with me. He said "Man...this sucks.." As in the situation sucks because it does and he can't change the way he feels about me anymore no matter how much I pleaded. I am the one who messed up in our relationship so the guilt is for me to bear. I pushed his love away for me. Just keep going NC and talk to us here if you have to. Read all the breakup forums. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Don't look at her pics anymore. Don't check social media. Don't do anything that will let you find out about how she is doing. It doesn't help. NC is doing miracles for me. Two weeks ago I would wake up with chest pain every morning and finally yesterday and today I didn't experience that. Give yourself time and forgive yourself. Thanks for that, I have deleted off all social media, I still have her number on my phone, don't know why but I have. You read my mind with chest pains, I get them a few minutes after waking up when it starts sinking in about her and she's not in bed with me cuddling and waking me up with her kisses. She has said I've done nothing wrong for the breakup so it's hard for me to see what I've done wrong for forgiving myself. The only thing was I loved her too much and still do. In work at the minute and just feel like breaking down to cry about her. This isn't me Link to post Share on other sites
Funny bunny Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Cry it out if you have to. i still his phone number too. Listen, something scary I did to move on was to ask him in person one last time: is there hope for us to try and work things out? He said no. Once he said "no" and hugged me goodbye and said "I wish you the best" it was a huge relief because I want having false hope anymore. it was like you know what? He doesn't love me enough to stay and that in itself is enough for me to rebuild my strength and Do my best to move on. I just grieve now. I Cry when I have to cry. Eat when I have to eat -'s talk to everyone on here to know I'm not alone. Take pride in the NC. NO communication is for us to recover. Talk to everyone around you at work or at school etc and ask them "what was your hardest breakup?" You will learn so much. People around will gather to support you. You are very special and God has created us all with special gifts. Give yourself lots of time and everything you are going through is normal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 We did meet for one last time, that's when she told me that she wouldn't come back and actually said she didn't want to give me any false hope. There was nothing there to rebuild really, she just wasn't feeling it anymore, the only thing I did wrong was not involve her in my side of the family, I said I would from now on but it wasn't enough. It's just that line "if I could change my feelings I would, but I know it's not the right thing to get back together" I want her to change them so bad, I can't imagine myself with anyone but her, and if I did get with someone else and she asked for me back I know what would happen. I'm feeling mentally weak and can't get her out of my mind even though I'm keeping busy and talking about it all Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I didn't post this but we met up tuesday night and had a mature conversation about the break up. Reasons were: Thinks I love her more than she loves me and that's why we are different (not personality wise) Went on holiday and realised she wasn't missing me unlike the rest of her friends missing their bfs Not 1 reason why it ended but lots of little reasons 6 months in and she hasn't met my family or been to my house (I live at home with my mum and little brother in a council house, her dad is a millionaire in a big posh house, I was embarrassed to bring her home and my mum was too. Thinks I agreed with too many of her opinions Maybe a bit too nice at times Moved too quick Couldn't see/imagine me in her future with a house,marriage etc Deserve someone that loves me as much as I love them Going travelling for 4 months (I knew this and was going to meet her for a bit) Been single 3 years before me and until me wasn't interested in boys/relationships, thinks she's got used to being single. Wanted to end it now incase we got longer down line and it would hurt more. A very civil meet, very mature, god I love the girl so much, we said our goodbyes and again she said please don't be childish and delete her off everything, I said it was my perogative and I only want to hear off her if she has had a change of mind, absolutely sure and begs me, even then I may have moved on. She said she wouldn't be coming back and no false hope. ^^^ This is not a girl who is just going to change her mind. She has thought this through and decided you are not the man for her. The honeymoon phase just wore off and what she was left with wasn't enough for her. How old is she? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 ^^^ This is not a girl who is just going to change her mind. She has thought this through and decided you are not the man for her. The honeymoon phase just wore off and what she was left with wasn't enough for her. How old is she? I know you are right. She was 26, coming up to 27, does this make a difference do you think? X Link to post Share on other sites
melpa64 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Great time to invest in yourself. I'm going through the same and it's ****. Go to the gym, invest more time in your hobbies. Go out more. The more time you sit alone or have to time to think is when it gets bad, especially evening time. Just stay occupied, it really helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 I am really active got lots of hobbies and always on the go but it's ALWAYS there, for instance tonight I'm going out for food wth friends and it's already reminding me of going out for meals with her Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I know you are right. She was 26, coming up to 27, does this make a difference do you think? X I guess at that age, and going travelling, she is not really looking to settle down asap, and she will most likely know her own mind too and what she is really looking for. If she has decided you are not marriage material, (she will also have an eye on the future), then you need to believe her. Link to post Share on other sites
Funny bunny Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 How are you doing today Rko28? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 How are you doing today Rko28? It's wake up time here in uk, just woken to that usual beating chest feeling and body shaking feeling so I guess it's going to be another one of them days. Dreamt about her again last night. Wish my brain would just give me a break Link to post Share on other sites
mike.c Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 It's wake up time here in uk, just woken to that usual beating chest feeling and body shaking feeling so I guess it's going to be another one of them days. Dreamt about her again last night. Wish my brain would just give me a break I have the same post break-up symptoms. I wake up at 5, sometimes 4am and immediately the thoughts kick in. The break-up in my case was my fault, so that adds that extra dose of pain that I can't cope with. Throughout the day I go between 'it's over man let it go, let it go' and 'but what if I did this or that, would that change her mind?'. Then in the evening I sometimes manage to find some peace, it starts to sink in it really is over. Worst part is I then dream about her, usually with the other guy and it starts all over again. This was the only girl I ever let the walls down for and I feel them coming back up stronger than ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Funny bunny Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Have you had the absolute no from her? Did you say anything along the lines of "I am willing to work through our problems because I love you. Are you?" If she has given you the absolute no just remember, no matter what you've done they don't love us enough to work through it together so that is more than enough to be like d**** it, it ain't worth it. The bottom line is if there were love there it would be worth t but it's not. I had a good cry tonight but talking to you guys helps. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 Yes I've had the absolute no. There was no problems to work out which is why she said it's harder, sure there were a couple of minor things, such as me not involving her more in my side of life that could be fixed but she said it wouldn't have made a difference. She's not "feeling it" like she once did. I don't know, maybe you can work on that, I told her I'd do anything to get back with her but you can't make someone feel love for you I guess. I've cut her off completely now to try and forget about her and I know it's not what NC is about but I'm hoping she might start to miss me and realise what she's done. Silly I know. I just need acceptance. Simple as that Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 It is a very common emotion. "Maybe she/he will miss me and realise what he/she has done and he/she will be sorry they hurt me and let me go and they will want me back." BUT that doesn't happen very often in real life. In real life one person decides it is over and they don't want to try any more, they have decided the other is not the one for them and they want to go off and meet other people. It may be packaged in all different ways but the bottom line is that they usually just want to date other people. They are not one bit sorry they split up, they may be actually relieved, they want to move on. If the other wants to be friends then great, but if not who really cares... they may feel a bit of guilt over hurting someone else but it is often short lived, they have a new life to get on with... The dumpee tends to think the heart ache is split right down the middle with both grieving - a love story has ended, it is a tragedy. The dumper however often doesn't think of it that way. The love story for them ended before they split, and they are often usually very happy to move on to someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 Nail on the head Elaine, I think you summed it all up rather well. I'm looking forward to getting to the point where I can think like that and actually mean it, as I said earlier, at the minute I'm mentally weak at this moment in time. My friend asked me last night if I would get back with her if she asked, honestly knowing that she feels like this it would take a lot of grovelling on her part so I'm not sure I would. I'm just worried about the long term damage this will do to me, how can I trust someone now that's planning a holiday, kissing me passionately good night and saying I love you so much the night before breaking up? Link to post Share on other sites
Funny bunny Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 I messed up so bad in my relationship. I was always asking him if he was with other women called it my "infamous line" I was so stupid I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to trust him when he was the most loyal man I've ever met. I wish I would have recognized this sooner but instead I pushed my loved one away. I'm just so sad today. I wish he would have loved me enough to work things it as bad as they were. I know I wasn't that horrible but I actually had this man at one point but now he is gone forever and I'll never see him again. Link to post Share on other sites
mike.c Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 As the dumper in my relationship I must say that it does come back. I don't know if it's the same for everyone, but after realising I've lost her for good I have come to the conclusion there is nothing I wouldn't give to get her back. Literally. My judgement at the time was clouded by medication, nervousness, emotional unavailability and the TGIG syndrome, as it was my first ever relationship. Looking back at it now with more experience with women I now know what I had. She doesn't want to see me, probably more because to be fair to her new boyfriend than hatred towards me, but I did text her many times after the realisation of what had happened. After trying everything to bring her back to no avail, I texted her she is the most wonderful and beautiful person I ever met and that I am sorry for everything and that I let myself and, more importantly, her down. I also messaged two of her close friends that I am ashamed and very sorry because of what I did, as they care about her very much and they let me into into their lives as her boyfriend. We are not all bad people, although I certainly do think the worst of myself right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 As the dumper in my relationship I must say that it does come back. I don't know if it's the same for everyone, but after realising I've lost her for good I have come to the conclusion there is nothing I wouldn't give to get her back. Literally. My judgement at the time was clouded by medication, nervousness, emotional unavailability and the TGIG syndrome, as it was my first ever relationship. Looking back at it now with more experience with women I now know what I had. She doesn't want to see me, probably more because to be fair to her new boyfriend than hatred towards me, but I did text her many times after the realisation of what had happened. After trying everything to bring her back to no avail, I texted her she is the most wonderful and beautiful person I ever met and that I am sorry for everything and that I let myself and, more importantly, her down. I also messaged two of her close friends that I am ashamed and very sorry because of what I did, as they care about her very much and they let me into into their lives as her boyfriend. We are not all bad people, although I certainly do think the worst of myself right now. Sorry to hear that. Maybe all that (bar medication) was a part of her reasoning, I don't know, maybe never will know. All I do know is right now she is thinking of me but that's not enough. Today waking up the pain didn't hit me as soon as it normally does and when it did hit the pain didn't seem as bad, if this is the start of recovery who knows, I'm crossing my fingers. My friends have decided we should all go on holiday this summer so I have something big to look forward to. Next weekend will be hard as it's her sisters wedding, we were both looking forward to that so much, my friends have come to my rescue though and we are spending the whole day together. I've just found out now her Aunty has got a job in my place, so that's 3 family members I'm going to have to see now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 1, 2017 Author Share Posted July 1, 2017 Woken up farvtoo early today, dreamt she text asking to meet me as she wanted to get back together. This has been the worst feeling waking up yet Link to post Share on other sites
JJNY Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 Woken up farvtoo early today, dreamt she text asking to meet me as she wanted to get back together. This has been the worst feeling waking up yet This pretty much describes my morning as well. I'm trying to tell myself to embrace the pain. Makes you feel alive in a way, you know you are capable of loving someone this much. When this subsides the right person will be ready for us. But yeah, right now, waking up is far and away the hardest part. I haven't slept through the night in weeks and morning panic attacks are right now a daily last of my life. I almost want to throw out my bed and get a new one because sleeping in it reminds me of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 Was out at a music festival with friends, obviously had a few drinks and ended up messaging her last night, a simple "I really miss you, can you please give us another chance" She read it straight away and didn't reply. I text this morning to apologise and I shouldn't be saying it. Read straight away and didn't reply. I sent a similar message last weekend and she admitted she missed me when replying. I know I was stupid doing this but it's so hard not to Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 The next time you take a drink give your phone to a trusted friend with instructions not to give it back until you are sober. Your EX recognizes these drunken texts for what they are. Pretty soon she will block you & you can send to your heart's content because there will be no one on the receiving end. You should consider deleting her contact info from all your devices so you can stop yourself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 (edited) You chase they move farther away. What you're doing is solidifying that she has more value than you. Which just lowers your status even more. Obviously you don't listen well but the needy, clingy, hanging on is extremely unnattractive as well as annoying. Hopefully you may learn over time but that's up to you. Edited July 2, 2017 by Marc878 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 Yes I have deleted it this morning, unfortunately it's an easy number to remember so I'll have to work hard not to. Is it rude of her to not even acknowledge any of the texts? Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 her ignoring is communicating that she doesn't like the texts. she wants you to stop doing it. she doesn't want to say the words to you so she ignores. if you continue, she will block you. this is a lose lose situation for you. you cant move on by doing it, and you look like an ass as you push her away. I don't recommend keeping hope alive for reconciliation, but, the first step in that direction is to leave her alone with her thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
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