Red Flags....

[JamesHa]

James,

 

I commend you for acting...however that is only a small part of it. Sticking to you guns is going to be difficult in the next few days.

 

Now the goal is to get her out of your life. You should have told her to pack her bags and get out last night, since you own the house, but I'm sure you were dealing with the stuff. We all don't think in cold calculating terms when these things happen.

 

Incidentally, I sure didn't when it happened to me. Far from it.

 

The thing to watch out for today is that she may give you either a long flowing tear filled "I didn't do anything wrong" speech, but unless it's a mascara running, blubbering, short of breath, rolling around on the ground presentation, I'd not even countenance listening to it.

 

You must understand that she is probably in damage control now. Anything she says to you about him is probably a lie, and it is to protect him and his life. She would not want you trying to find this guy's wife. I am pretty sure, given the regularity of the meetups on the same day, that he is in fact, either married or in a serious relationship.

 

But that is for another day. Steel yourself for today. She may blame resentment over finances, the length of time you've been together, or the fact she started seeing you so young...but the fact remains that none of that is ample justification for dating others when you are in a committed relationship

What happened last night and going forward is a result of her choices.

 

Thank You!

 

Last night she locked herself in the guest room. Stayed in there til 1 today til I smoked her out.

 

I said "if there's nothing wrong we can always check your phone records"

 

She finally came out. She didn't want to face it.

 

I had to do a bit of digging to get it out of her.

 

She says there was no physical

first: "we talked about our problems"

Then opened up even more after calling her out on BS and said they've flirted and said sexual things about each other's body's etc. She gave me a timeline of all that happened.

 

She did open up and tell me he was the one who dropped her off at the coffee shop at the meeting, they were in the car and had a long talk.

 

She owned up to destroying our relationship and felt horrible.

 

She has told me she doesn't want to be with him and wants to be with me. I've always felt that and never saw this dude as some amazing male model with this glamorous future. I never felt threatened or jealous of him.

 

I believe her that she ultimately wants to be w/ me and is using this dude as an escape to check out of reality.

 

She said she was really taking on OT and I believe that. I do believe shes busting her ass to help out with our financial situation.

 

The thing she is escaping is the financial ****storm we've been through.

She didn't blame me.

She owned that she really ****ed up.

 

I felt both guilty and pissed off. I still have a right to not trust her.

 

Shes been robbing the relationship emotionally

I've been robbing it financially.

 

And I pointed out that while she didn't cause the financial turmoil how in the hell can I pick myself up if our relationship is being drained.

 

I do feel solid in this being an emotional affair. Which is still absolutely horrible.

 

shes going to find a place to stay and we're going to separate until I figure out what i want to do with this. I cant have her driving my car and living like "ok we just had a talk now we're good"

 

I do think our relationship is repairable.

 

but definitely not now.

definitely not with her doing a **** ton to earn trust back .

 

 

And I need to be in a space where I want to deal with all that... and I simply don't right now.

 

My future is uncertain .. its rocky. But Its best for me to get her out so I can have a solid mind. (there's been times I've been solid, confident and on my game and I'd get thrown off by her being in fear or the energy being off)

 

Its best for both of us.. for her not to feel like shes not in financial turmoil. For me to stop having her help me and feeling guilty and less than a man about it.

 

I asked her what he had that I didn't...

 

her first answer was "A Clean Slate"

 

I said "that doesn't make sense because I'm working to create a clean slate"

 

She said mainly the emotional connection, the fun and being able to check out of financial worries.

 

She also said he's single and none of his relationships work out, her and co-workers been trying to hook him up with somebody. This seems accurate because I remember her mentioning this guy 1 or 2 years ago before any of this went down.

[JamesHa]

the biggest thing that pisses me off is that she had me feeling like I was insane, insecure and really cutting my confidence by the knees. Even before today's talk I told her if something's going on don't drag me along.

 

So I'm mad she knew I was suffering and she kept on with it.

[JamesHa]

also still open to the idea she could still be lying about this dudes relationship status.

[zanwalk]

also still open to the idea she could still be lying about this dudes relationship status.

 

Or, which is more likely, HE is lying about his relationship status.

 

I don't know of course, he may be genuine, but if he is he wouldn't want to be involved with a girl who is already in a relationship.

[Marc878]

Thank You!

 

Last night she locked herself in the guest room. Stayed in there til 1 today til I smoked her out.

 

I said "if there's nothing wrong we can always check your phone records"

 

She finally came out. She didn't want to face it.

 

I had to do a bit of digging to get it out of her.

 

She says there was no physical

first: "we talked about our problems"

Then opened up even more after calling her out on BS and said they've flirted and said sexual things about each other's body's etc. She gave me a timeline of all that happened.

 

All cheaters lie, hide and deny.

 

She did open up and tell me he was the one who dropped her off at the coffee shop at the meeting, they were in the car and had a long talk.

 

She owned up to destroying our relationship and felt horrible.

 

She has told me she doesn't want to be with him and wants to be with me. I've always felt that and never saw this dude as some amazing male model with this glamorous future. I never felt threatened or jealous of him.

 

He was in your realtionship though wasn't he. Most are blindsided and would have never expected the unexpected

 

I believe her that she ultimately wants to be w/ me and is using this dude as an escape to check out of reality.

 

She said she was really taking on OT and I believe that. I do believe shes busting her ass to help out with our financial situation.

 

The thing she is escaping is the financial ****storm we've been through.

She didn't blame me.

She owned that she really ****ed up.

 

I felt both guilty and pissed off. I still have a right to not trust her.

 

Shes been robbing the relationship emotionally

I've been robbing it financially.

 

Nothing excuses cheating.

 

And I pointed out that while she didn't cause the financial turmoil how in the hell can I pick myself up if our relationship is being drained.

 

Every betrayed person looks for an excuse to make it their fault. Cheating is a decision she made. You had nothing to do with that

I do feel solid in this being an emotional affair. Which is still absolutely horrible.

 

The betrayed syndrome. Accept any lie or excuse not to believe the unbelievable. If there is an EA with contact it's almost always a sexual affair

shes going to find a place to stay and we're going to separate until I figure out what i want to do with this. I cant have her driving my car and living like "ok we just had a talk now we're good"

 

I do think our relationship is repairable.

 

but definitely not now.

definitely not with her doing a **** ton to earn trust back .

 

 

And I need to be in a space where I want to deal with all that... and I simply don't right now.

 

My future is uncertain .. its rocky. But Its best for me to get her out so I can have a solid mind. (there's been times I've been solid, confident and on my game and I'd get thrown off by her being in fear or the energy being off)

 

Its best for both of us.. for her not to feel like shes not in financial turmoil. For me to stop having her help me and feeling guilty and less than a man about it.

 

I asked her what he had that I didn't...

 

her first answer was "A Clean Slate"

 

Ok, maybe you need a clean slate with someone you can trust

I said "that doesn't make sense because I'm working to create a clean slate"

 

She said mainly the emotional connection, the fun and being able to check out of financial worries.

 

So the next time there's a problem she checks out and finds another man to help make her feel good?

 

She also said he's single and none of his relationships work out, her and co-workers been trying to hook him up with somebody. This seems accurate because I remember her mentioning this guy 1 or 2 years ago before any of this went down.

 

Look, you aren't married to her. Do you really want to take a chance on this?

 

Better wake up to what she's capable of.

Edited July 15, 2017 by Marc878

[Marc878]

If you want the full truth do a deleted text recovery on her phone using Fonelab or some other deleted text recovery system.

 

For $50 it's worth the peace of mind

[ExpatInItaly]

I know this is a shock to the system, OP.

 

But you are absolutely doing the right thing in separating. You need some time and space to sort out your emotions and confusion. Good for you for staying strong on that.

 

I would be very wary in working this out with her, simply because she showed you she will behave destructively when the going gets tough in the relationship. She was also being deceptive and dishonest for quite a while there, and you probably don't know the full truth now either. Cheaters only usually confess to what they can't deny in the face of hard evidence.

 

As another poster suggested, if you want real answers you might want to consider retrieving her deleted messages. I tend to think once you've reached this point the relationship is already over, but it may at least give you a better idea as to how far this affair really went. I don't believe they were never physical. It's been going on too long and they've been alone together too many times.

 

As I mentioned, my ex and I went through something similar several years back. I had suspicions about him and his coworker, and while I never had any evidence of cheating, I certainly had a gut feeling something wasn't right. He was having doubts about our relationship, I came to discover. We stayed together, with him telling me he took me for granted and felt sure he now wanted to stay, and this coworker actually married and moved away. But I never felt totally at ease with him after that; I felt like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it did. 4 years later, I found out he was having a full-blown affair with a different coworker (different workplace) and we ended it. My point in telling you this is that someone who is willing to jeopardize your relationship even once in this manner is very likely to do it again. Please, proceed with extreme caution.

[Poutrew]

Yeah.... about the No sex part.... without exception, that is what every cheating woman starts off with. After much teeth pulling, hair ripping, and argumentation, the story changes to kissing. Then, 'making out', but only once. Usually, it progresses after much pain to he 'made' me give him a blow job, usually with a description of how much better yours is than his - 'I hated it. It was stinky, small, misshapen, with warts and had green slime dripping from pus-filled sores all over it ( yet she puts it in her mouth)... You are da man, and I promise on my dear granny's grave that I will never ever do it again, honey... bla bla bla." They are both adults. She liked the way he was pumping her ego, so she returned the favor. Yes, there was sex. Count on it, and get a STD test.

Edited July 15, 2017 by Poutrew

[Space Ritual]

the biggest thing that pisses me off is that she had me feeling like I was insane, insecure and really cutting my confidence by the knees. Even before today's talk I told her if something's going on don't drag me along.

 

So I'm mad she knew I was suffering and she kept on with it.

 

Yes, because she really only cares about herself. What you are getting now is called Trickle Truth. There is far more to the story, of that I assure you.

 

So they only complemented each others bodies and they were together for Seven Hours?

 

I have oceanfront property to sell you in Kansas.

 

You are already the TT...see she will rationalize it as "I don't want to hurt you further by telling you the truth".

 

What she really means is "I can't tell you because if you knew teh truth you'd kick me out today."

 

So be prepared for

 

"We kissed"...which will turn into..."we caressed each other through clothes"..to..."We had sex one time"...Well, we had sex but I don't remember how many times".

 

So let me ask you something else.

 

She said she and her coworkers have been trying to hook him up with somebody? Why would they need to? This is a total lie. She is protecting him over you. That is why she kept gaslighting you.

 

What is probably the truth is that her coworkers probably not only encouraged your GF and him, but may in fact talked to her with the "You've been in a relationship for so long, you deserve this one dalliance".

 

In fact you are already backtracking...you said you think the relationship is reparable....no it isn't dude.

 

At the very least she needs to live somewhere else for awhile until you get you head together.

 

She has given you every Cheaters Handbook reason why she was messing about with this guy, and she tried to hide it...AND she only answered your questions when she was backed into a corner.

 

No, James. this is not reparable I am afraid.

 

She said he had "A Clean Slate".

 

She resents you for the financial difficulties, yet is comfortable living under your roof.

 

Dude the choice is clear. Anything short of kicking her ass out today is lollygagging. And lollygagging will lead you to rug sweep...and rugsweeping will give her justification to go do it again, if not with this guy, with someone else. Because not acting now will show her she can get away with it, cry a few crocodile tears, and you'll cave.

 

You have the collective experience of myself, along with many others who have commented on your thread and basically we are all in agreement because w know how the movie ends. Your situation is nowhere near unique. In fact it's petty cookie cutter and myself, Road, Blues Power, Try and Smackie could write the rest of the story and post it for you if you just wring your hands and do nothing.

 

And in that case all we would write is....

 

"I forgave her. I am back 6 months later because she never sopped seeing this guy and is talking to at least one other guy, making excuses for being gone, starting arguments on a Friday and going MIA until Sunday night.....Do you guys think we have a chance?"

 

You are on the green with one putt to sink to make you the "I Got Out Of Infidelity on The First Try Champion", complete with the Masters Jacket and the name of JAMESHA on the trophy.

 

One Putt away from moving on with your life.

 

Do not blow the Putt!

[Space Ritual]

She said mainly the emotional connection, the fun and being able to check out of financial worries.

 

 

That right there is all you need to know.

 

You've had it. You will never be able to trust her, ever again. I suspect she spent last night trying to get stories straight with her coworkers and this guy in case you come asking more questions. Anyone locking themselves in for 12 hours is doing some major attempts at damage control.

 

It's Over.

[lolablue17]

You need us for some reference to help you knowing your're position, so I'm sorry to give it to you.

 

1. It is known in police investigations, that the first investigation of a suspect (even when the cops aren't prepared) is the most reliable one, because after a while the suspect heal from his\her shock and starting to plan a story. The most unreliable investigation is in court (despite what you see on TV) because then the lawyers prepare a well planed version that is totally lack of spontaneity.

 

Right after you through the bomb, When she was in shock, you could believe her much more, because it would have been spontaneous there for - more reliable. Honesty should come immediatelly.

 

2. But after she took more than 12 hours to think, what you got is her best made up story she can deliver. She is in damage control.

 

It reminds me of something. There was a chess match between 2 world's leader players. every one of them had 2 hours in total for his moves. Player A stopped his moves after 30 minutes, and was just thinking for almost an hour an a half, wasting almost all his timeframe. Then, 1-2 minute before the end, he started playing the rest of his moves, without thinking at all, and he won the game.

 

After the game people asked him about his strange strategy. "What were you thinking about for 90 minutes? His reply was - "THe situation on the board was similar to one I saw a few years ago in a local chess magazine. For almost 90 minutes, I calculated how many copies of the magazine were printed, and what is the chance that my opponent saw it too... When I figured out that he didn't see it, I knew how to win the game easily"

 

Back to your story. While closing herself in the guest room, she was calculating in a very cold mind what are her options. She could see that she cannot come up with nothing. She knew she must bring some goods to the table. So she tried to figure out what are your chances to discover and what.

 

Even after a whole night of planning, she still wasn't sure, so she took the cautious way. Trying with "only talking", then flirting, then comments on her\his body" etc... and of course "she takes full responsibility"... Hahaha

 

If after a whole night of deep thinking (It's her future on the stake), you still got only cheap trickle truth... Then there are only 3 options:

 

1. She thinks you're very stupid.

2. She is very stupid herself.

 

Because I guess that none of 1. or 2. is true, the only option is 3.

 

3. She knows she has a very little chance with the path she took (not admitting anything, and trickle truth), but the real truth is very very bad. So a little chance is better than no chance at all, what she belives will happen if you knew the truth.

 

Dude - Remember I was one of the people who thought she might not have cheated on you, and it could be 50%-50%. Now - I'm telling you - She is cheating on you, emotionally and physically. A full affair.

 

Think - Yesterday she felt that she lost everything, that it's done. Her future looked horrible yesterday. Yet, you offered her a way out, a hope, a great future. All she had to do is to tell you the truth right then. But she didn't!

 

Why didn't she tell you all this yesterday, if the truth was "only talking and sonme flirting"? It is very easy to tell the truth because it can't be denied. And if the truth is "lite", why not be honest and having you satisfied?

 

Sadly, because it was not the truth, and she needed enough time to fix her mind from the shock, and planning a story that you might believe. She's a fu***** liar. She despies your intelligence. UGGGHHH

Edited July 15, 2017 by lolablue17

[Space Ritual]

You need us for some reference to help you knowing your're position, so I'm sorry to give it to you.

 

1. It is known in police investigations, that the first investigation of a suspect (even when the cops aren't prepared) is the most reliable one, because after a while the suspect heal from his\her shock and starting to plan a story. The most unreliable investigation is in court (despite what you see on TV) because then the lawyers prepare a well planed version that is totally lack of spontaneity.

 

Right after you through the bomb, When she was in shock, you could believe her much more, because it would have been spontaneous there for - more reliable. Honesty should come immediatelly.

 

2. But after she took more than 12 hours to think, what you got is her best made up story she can deliver. She is in damage control.

 

It reminds me of something. There was a chess match between 2 world's leader players. every one of them had 2 hours in total for his moves. Player A stopped his moves after 30 minutes, and was just thinking for almost an hour an a half, wasting almost all his timeframe. Then, 1-2 minute before the end, he started playing the rest of his moves, without thinking at all, and he won the game.

 

After the game people asked him about his strange strategy. "What were you thinking about for 90 minutes? His reply was - "THe situation on the board was similar to one I saw a few years ago in a local chess magazine. For almost 90 minutes, I calculated how many copies of the magazine were printed, and what is the chance that my opponent saw it too... When I figured out that he didn't see it, I knew how to win the game easily"

 

Back to your story. While closing herself in the guest room, she was calculating in a very cold mind what are her options. She could see that she cannot come up with nothing. She knew she must bring some goods to the table. So she tried to figure out what are your chances to discover and what.

 

Even after a whole night of planning, she still wasn't sure, so she took the cautious way. Trying with "only talking", then flirting, then comments on her\his body" etc... and of course "she takes full responsibility"... Hahaha

 

If after a whole night of deep thinking (It's her future on the stake), you still got only cheap trickle truth... Then there are only 3 options:

 

1. She thinks you're very stupid.

2. She is very stupid herself.

 

Because I guess that none of 1. or 2. is true, the only option is 3.

 

3. She knows she has a very little chance with the path she took (not admitting anything, and trickle truth), but the real truth is very very bad. So a little chance is better than no chance at all, what she belives will happen if you knew the truth.

 

Dude - Remember I was one of the people who thought she might not have cheated on you, and it could be 50%-50%. Now - I'm telling you - She is cheating on you, emotionally and physically. A full affair.

 

Think - Yesterday she felt that she lost everything, that it's done. Her future looked horrible yesterday. Yet, you offered her a way out, a hope, a great future. All she had to do is to tell you the truth right then. But she didn't!

 

Why didn't she tell you all this yesterday, if the truth was "only talking and sonme flirting"? It is very easy to tell the truth because it can't be denied. And if the truth is "lite", why not be honest and having you satisfied?

 

Sadly, because it was not the truth, and she needed enough time to fix her mind from the shock, and planning a story that you might believe. She's a fu***** liar. She despies your intelligence. UGGGHHH

 

Absolute Spot on and sage advice from one of the most optimistic members of Loveshack.

 

James,

 

Lola is perhaps one of the most "Glass Half Full" posters in the history of this subforum. A great amount of the time, he is more than willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, even when the vast majority would vote to give someone the hook. Even when guys like me are saying "Oh Hell no"!

 

If you only take what the rest of us say with a pinch of salt, then you should heed Lola's advice. I can't remember the last time he was this incredulous at someone's explanation of their missteps. And if Lola is this incredulous, then I submit you would do well to run from your STBXGF with as much speed as possible.

[coolheadal]

Thank you for the real raw and relevant response.

 

I agree. My self esteem has taken a hit, I haven't felt powerful in my masculine as of lately (at least consistently).

 

We both agreed not to be married. We started out as a young couple and still pretty young. I met her at 20 and I was 23. I am now 30 and she's 27. So we simply weren't in a rush and weren't pressed to get married. If we belong together we'll do it. I understand other people's beliefs are different.

 

I gave her the benefit of the doubt when she went out with the guy.

 

my alarms went off... I was insecure in a relationship 11 years ago and I didn't want to re-live that. I worked on myself so much since then. I am happy that I came here today and called her ass out once things were getting louder and louder. I know better to act earlier if I find myself in a similar situation.

 

I will defend our relationship saying that we've built something great. I know it sounds stupid saying this now but we were 2 people with solid values and integrity. Always open to each other... never any trust issues. Communicated very well.

 

Never the type to party or drink. Introvert she keeps to herself. I am similar in some ways of not partying much at all and keeping to myself. I do express myself a lot more than her in the public eye.

 

She's not the "typical" woman if that politically correct. Not big on makeup never getting her nails done. naturally beautiful. Not a big shopper, minimalist. Not into much consumerism or partying.

 

She's always worked for herself and saved money well. (actually she could spend a bit more to treat herself) She never had high expectations for me to pay for anything for her. Main reason she has the car is because she never hassled me or pushed boundaries to get it. I just thought it'd make her life easier since I work from home.

 

I know her being in a relationship with me at 20 (more like 21 since her birthday was a month away). I know that may drive her to want to live and experience new things and could be a whole other reason we're in this mess now.

 

I'm not saying she's right.

I'm not saying I handled this all perfectly.

I'm not saying that I wasn't losing my game and confidence.

 

But this is a huge red mark on an otherwise solid relationship.

 

Not just some woman I had no business being with in the first place,

 

I haven't been ignoring the signs for years and the relationship from the beginning being a mistake.

 

In sports terms... she was a very solid draft pick with a lot of upside... had no concerns about her character. We won championships together. Then all of a sudden in Year 6 she made a really horrible choice that could cost her career. (so like Ray Rice but she didn't physically abuse me)

 

Oh now I get this picture of you two. So you two started off young adult now 6 years later she's started exploring the waters and you are so concern about her doing so. She's not your wife, even if you lived in common law state I don't think you two would make a good couple to raise kids and etc. You two are odd and even. Let her go James you just don't know the trouble your going to get yourself deeper into with her. So your her your protective of what she does too. Like you don't care in a sense but then you allow it to continue. She's not your blank and your not hers. You are just two people who have fallen into the cracks into a void of putting up with each other BS!

[OatsAndHall]

I'm not going to hop in and call her a liar at this point but her comment about a "clean slate" is bull****. I have heard that term tossed around far too many times in relationships and it basically equates to "everything is forgotten, we go back to square one (i.e. "dating") and see how it goes." That would be unacceptable for me given the fact that she has done the serious damage to the relationship. A "clean slate" approach is in order when BOTH parties have contributed to the serious damage in a relationship and you have not. In this situation, she needs to work on earning back your trust.

 

I suggest that you take a step back and stop bringing the financial woes into the situation. Yes, that is stress on any relationship but it isn't grounds for her to have an affair (emotional or otherwise). I think you are making a mistake by taking on any of the blame in this with regards to your bankruptcy as a bad money situation is fixable while an affair may not be.

 

It doesn't sound like you plan on giving her the boot at this point. Beware; you are opening yourself up for more stress, anxiety and worry. You are feeling some relief now as she has "confessed" and is showing remorse. I imagine she will clean up her act for awhile which will give you even more relief.. But how are you going to feel the next time she decides to work OT? How are you going to feel if she takes her phone into the bathroom? This could be a cyclical situation that will drive you up a wall even further.

[coolheadal]

James,

 

Your holding on to her like a fish on hook! Let that fish live and enjoy a different life that you didn't have with her. She's have fun now without you when she sneaks around with this other guy. You have mental issues and your can't cope and control her at the same time. You were young when you first where together now she's wants something different. You need to let this woman go. You need to get your life back on track, no women until you do. You are all over the place with this. Your other reply shown a man holding on to someone he already lost. Do the right thing by her and let her go!

[JamesHa]

this is awful.

 

She is resistant to separating

She says she wants to be of service and help me out and doesn't want to leave me here alone.

She's scared she'll never come back... never see me or our dog again (dont laugh.. shes like a human baby to us)

 

She's respecting her distance.. tried to get close but told her I need time to myself.

 

I didn't tell her she can stay here, I put it off to process everything.

 

I don't want to open up and get close to her.

 

I spilled my heart out and all my pain.. shes not defensive.. shes listening and shes realizing what she did.

 

I was firm with her and she agrees that our relationship is in shambles and she's afraid of losing me.

 

I said if there's any chance a **** load of work would need to be done and things are going to be a lot tougher when she cheated and its going to take a lot to regain my trust.

 

She never said for us to make in a clean slate.. she understands the reset button just can't be hit. The clean slate comment was why she cheated, she felt like with him there were no worries and it was an escape.

 

her going in the guest room to cope, definitely agree to polish up and prepare for her response which is a bad sign. Although this is also her usual response in a fight to close herself off. Shes always afraid of saying the wrong thing even in something that is not nearly as catastrophic as this.

 

She said he has msged her asking to meet up and **** and that she flirted with the idea and messed around on text but was too afraid to act on it. Not saying its true.

 

I've been interrogating her to death and expressing all pain that comes up of all the moments she's hurt me and lie to me etc. She swears up and down it didn't get physical and has been listening and not getting defensive.

 

 

On a conscious side of things I know that 2 people who really care can make their relationship stronger from something like this if both people are sincere. And of course it can also destroy it completely.

 

and it would be a huge task to build trust when shes still working with the guy.

 

I cant give in and pretend things are back to normal.

 

I definitely need space.

 

I know if we carry this on everything will be different

 

Its hard deciding to separate out of the house. Its very helpful and beneficial on many levels for both of us.

 

But convenience alone cant be the deciding factor. And we definitely cant operate like a couple. convenience and comfort is what ****ing got us here.

 

I dont know if itd be helpful for her distanced support or for her to be gone completely and I just figure **** out.

 

I'm mentally and emotionally drained.

 

I really do appreciate all of this support. and its powerful coming from really level headed reasonable people.

 

I need to check in internally.. I know im late as hell. I know the response is she should have been gone by now.

 

She at least shows right now she wants to get her hands dirty (in a good way) and rebuild.

 

I would like that, I know we're not married and we just have a dog... but I don't see that trying to work things out is only done when there's a contract and kids.

 

I'm not going to let myself down and allow this to get swept under the rug.

I know there's no reset button and taking that approach is suicide.

[usa1ah]

Wow, you have covered a lot of ground in a little amount of time.

 

I know you don't trust her, understandable. Ask her if she is will to take a polygraph and to answer the question about it not being physical with the OM.

 

If she jumps the chance to take it then there is a good chance it was just a EA. Ask if any photos were exchanged between the two of them.

 

There is a phone apps that will retrieve erased messages. Run one on her phone.

[coolheadal]

this is awful.

 

She is resistant to separating

She says she wants to be of service and help me out and doesn't want to leave me here alone.

She's scared she'll never come back... never see me or our dog again (dont laugh.. shes like a human baby to us)

 

She's respecting her distance.. tried to get close but told her I need time to myself.

 

I didn't tell her she can stay here, I put it off to process everything.

 

I don't want to open up and get close to her.

 

I spilled my heart out and all my pain.. shes not defensive.. shes listening and shes realizing what she did.

 

I was firm with her and she agrees that our relationship is in shambles and she's afraid of losing me.

 

I said if there's any chance a **** load of work would need to be done and things are going to be a lot tougher when she cheated and its going to take a lot to regain my trust.

 

She never said for us to make in a clean slate.. she understands the reset button just can't be hit. The clean slate comment was why she cheated, she felt like with him there were no worries and it was an escape.

 

her going in the guest room to cope, definitely agree to polish up and prepare for her response which is a bad sign. Although this is also her usual response in a fight to close herself off. Shes always afraid of saying the wrong thing even in something that is not nearly as catastrophic as this.

 

She said he has msged her asking to meet up and **** and that she flirted with the idea and messed around on text but was too afraid to act on it. Not saying its true.

 

I've been interrogating her to death and expressing all pain that comes up of all the moments she's hurt me and lie to me etc. She swears up and down it didn't get physical and has been listening and not getting defensive.

 

 

On a conscious side of things I know that 2 people who really care can make their relationship stronger from something like this if both people are sincere. And of course it can also destroy it completely.

 

and it would be a huge task to build trust when shes still working with the guy.

 

I cant give in and pretend things are back to normal.

 

I definitely need space.

 

I know if we carry this on everything will be different

 

Its hard deciding to separate out of the house. Its very helpful and beneficial on many levels for both of us.

 

But convenience alone cant be the deciding factor. And we definitely cant operate like a couple. convenience and comfort is what ****ing got us here.

 

I dont know if itd be helpful for her distanced support or for her to be gone completely and I just figure **** out.

 

I'm mentally and emotionally drained.

 

I really do appreciate all of this support. and its powerful coming from really level headed reasonable people.

 

I need to check in internally.. I know im late as hell. I know the response is she should have been gone by now.

 

She at least shows right now she wants to get her hands dirty (in a good way) and rebuild.

 

I would like that, I know we're not married and we just have a dog... but I don't see that trying to work things out is only done when there's a contract and kids.

 

I'm not going to let myself down and allow this to get swept under the rug.

I know there's no reset button and taking that approach is suicide.

 

James,

 

She's toxic for you, she needs to move in with that other guy she wants to be with instead of you. Fun exciting and didn't have to worry about you is what it boils down. You need to think out of the box with her. She cheated on you both emotional and physical. She can lied to you and knows how to make you believe she telling you no lie but she is telling you lies. The dog can have visiting rights do not use the animal your pet as way she can come into you life again. She's done! You can have her as a friend but not as one living under the same roof. She need go AS-SOON-AS-POSSIBLE

 

This is your life right now you have to make it or break it! Don't break it let this woman go and not into the guest room she's not your guest she's your ex-lover, her new love of her life is the co-worker guy at work. She having fun with him at your own expense, your life your wants your needs, she's not giving you anything but her wants, her needs (are not to be with you on sexual note), she doesn't want to leave the house she's known for 6 years because that's her comfort-zone. You was there for her in time of need. Well now that need is met by another man she's having fun with!

 

Now be a man James and tell her she needs to go!

She can visit the dog but not at your house anymore. She can meet you at the park or playground. She can play with the dog while you are around. So she don't walk off with the dog by accident to find a excuse to come back to the house. She will be your friend only that's it she lost the fact that you and her where more than friends. She cheated it cost her your love for her this is the price she has to pay for the rest of her life. You have to make this known to her James.

 

I am teaching you from experience. I made a choice too with a woman living with me for almost 4 years. Same thing I gone through, but I was strong enough to get her out of my house. She didn't have money she wasted it on foolish things. I pay for her bus ticket 4 of them to get her to her girl friends house in another state. It's been like 3 years NC (NO CONTACT), still I see creditors in my mail box under her name they're after her. I have to work on that curb that also.

 

James, my story might be slightly different than your current situation but both women cheated on us emotionally I feel they should be out of our lives. But you have dog with her so you have to make sure the dog can see his mommy. But not in you house. That's your man cave now. When your ready to have your own new girl friend you don't need the old one in the house living in the guest room you see what I mean James. Let the current one go and live with her boy-toy coe-worker. She got money, by-the-way has she ever help you with bills and the house with her money or has it just been you? I was wondering where things stand there?

 

I want to see you happy again then find a new woman that wants to be with you and doesn't even think of cheating on you. Those type you do not want in your life ever again. This woman you had she's done also she just holding on to you and your doing the same, because you never left each other but she's leaving you now for another guy. Do not let her BS you, stand your ground James!

 

You are not alone in this James we'll all guide you to the right path of life!

[lolablue17]

What ever you do, I wish you happiness, man...

[Space Ritual]

this is awful.

 

She is resistant to separating

She says she wants to be of service and help me out and doesn't want to leave me here alone.

She's scared she'll never come back... never see me or our dog again (dont laugh.. shes like a human baby to us)

 

She's respecting her distance.. tried to get close but told her I need time to myself.

 

I didn't tell her she can stay here, I put it off to process everything.

 

I don't want to open up and get close to her.

 

I spilled my heart out and all my pain.. shes not defensive.. shes listening and shes realizing what she did.

 

I was firm with her and she agrees that our relationship is in shambles and she's afraid of losing me.

 

I said if there's any chance a **** load of work would need to be done and things are going to be a lot tougher when she cheated and its going to take a lot to regain my trust.

 

She never said for us to make in a clean slate.. she understands the reset button just can't be hit. The clean slate comment was why she cheated, she felt like with him there were no worries and it was an escape.

 

her going in the guest room to cope, definitely agree to polish up and prepare for her response which is a bad sign. Although this is also her usual response in a fight to close herself off. Shes always afraid of saying the wrong thing even in something that is not nearly as catastrophic as this.

 

She said he has msged her asking to meet up and **** and that she flirted with the idea and messed around on text but was too afraid to act on it. Not saying its true.

 

I've been interrogating her to death and expressing all pain that comes up of all the moments she's hurt me and lie to me etc. She swears up and down it didn't get physical and has been listening and not getting defensive.

 

 

On a conscious side of things I know that 2 people who really care can make their relationship stronger from something like this if both people are sincere. And of course it can also destroy it completely.

 

and it would be a huge task to build trust when shes still working with the guy.

 

I cant give in and pretend things are back to normal.

 

I definitely need space.

 

I know if we carry this on everything will be different

 

Its hard deciding to separate out of the house. Its very helpful and beneficial on many levels for both of us.

 

But convenience alone cant be the deciding factor. And we definitely cant operate like a couple. convenience and comfort is what ****ing got us here.

 

I dont know if itd be helpful for her distanced support or for her to be gone completely and I just figure **** out.

 

I'm mentally and emotionally drained.

 

I really do appreciate all of this support. and its powerful coming from really level headed reasonable people.

 

I need to check in internally.. I know im late as hell. I know the response is she should have been gone by now.

 

She at least shows right now she wants to get her hands dirty (in a good way) and rebuild.

 

I would like that, I know we're not married and we just have a dog... but I don't see that trying to work things out is only done when there's a contract and kids.

 

I'm not going to let myself down and allow this to get swept under the rug.

I know there's no reset button and taking that approach is suicide.

 

Wow...I have to say when I urged you to take action I have to say you took our collective advice to heart.

 

Rather than put anything else in you head tonight, I would simply advise you that after what you accomplished over the last 24 hours is more than alot of people would have taken their entire relationship.

 

Speaking of which if you do decide to attempt a reconciliation,she has to let this guy go for good. And her toxic friends are out too.

 

I see she has already tried Love Bombing you. Right now she needs to be intimate in hopes that will pave the way for forgiveness.

 

So she has a lot to think about, as do you. If this guy has any work relationship with her, that needs to end.

 

She needs to send this guy a No Contact message with you witnessing it. Because a lot of times people say they will end it only to find out they haven't. That way you can hold her accountable if indeed she breaks NC.

 

I think she is in a lot deeper than she will admit right now. And is only admitting to what she thinks you know.

 

You don't have to decide right now, but you will be able to see how her actions line up with her words in the very n ear future. That will be crucial to discovering whether she is a good candidate for reconciliation.

 

I'll close by saying that even if you do try to work it out and you decide this is a deal breaker, that is well within your right. She has to be a safe person to be around for herself, so she never repeats such actions.

 

The work to do so by the cheater is usually too daunting a task with no guarantee of reconciliation, so they either can't or won't do the necessary work as they have a hard time dealing with inexact outcomes.

 

Get some sleep. we'll be here. You deserve not only some applause, but also my respect, because you acted.

[Superchicken]

I bet my last dollar it was more than a EA.

You don't go on this long seeing each other, and NOT do anything.

I'm sorry, but if you believe this, you are the lesser person.

Because you are in a "Don't want to believe it" stage, rest assured, something happened.

 

 

Get the text un-deleter, and do your search.

Further, no one ever just comes out and says they had sex with the OM.

Its always, "We didn't do anything", "We just talked"..

Come on, you can maybe talk for a day or two.

They have been at it for weeks on end, and for hours at a time.

Seriously ?, what can you talk about for days on end, and hours at a time.

Lastly, she blurted that they talked sexually.. Well, again, one can only talk about it for so long.

I now bet my mates last dollar, that she texted with selfies of her nude.

One always goes with the other. Selfies always follows sexting..

 

 

You need to keep that space, until she comes clean on everything.

Until then, you don't see everything that's before you.

 

 

You wouldn't sign a contract without reading the fine print would you ?.

So why restart the relationship when this person, has lied, hid her deception, and avoided getting caught.

She didn't care what you felt like before, so why now she cares ?.

 

 

Hold off on everything, and keep digging.

 

Oh, left one thing out.. She loves you and doesn't want him, and wants you.. Yeah.. Right, that's why she cheated.

BULL SHIAT!.

 

 

 

Ted

Edited July 16, 2017 by Superchicken

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not even consider a reconciliation until you are 100% satisfied that she is telling the complete truth. And I'm sorry to say, I very much doubt she is. And as she has now proved to you, she is not someone who you can trust to be honest. She is the type that lies and spins to cover her butt.

 

Retrieve those old deleted messages. Don't tell her you're doing so. Enlightening her would only give her the chance to think up a cover story for anything incriminating you might find. I guarantee, there will be something incriminating in there - why delete them otherwise?

 

Another poster suggested calling her bluff by telling her you would like her to pass a polygraph. You could try that, see if she coughs anything else up. She will probably get defensive, in which case, you know she's got something to hide. A partner who wants to prove their innocence would likely agree to this step given the circumstances. If she balks, remind her she's been dishonest with you for a long time so you cannot accept her word as the truth any longer. She's lost all credibility. Tell her you cannot begin to think about making this work without knowing if you're still being fooled.

 

Again, I think having to go to these levels indicates that the relationship is on very thin ice and likely not worth the trouble. She has already done a huge amount damage based on what you do know. What you don't know would likely blow this right apart...but at least you would not be reconciling on false pretenses.

[doyathinkso]

JamesHa, listen, she's JUST your girlfriend, not your wife!!

 

The way things have shaken out you are now putting WAY too much effort into this failing relationship. You know what normal people do when their boyfriend/girlfriend relationship goes sideways like yours has? They end it!

 

She has now failed the job interview for a spouse. There is no way on God's green Earth that you could ever trust her in the role of a wife. Do you have any idea how expensive and complicated and life-shattering a divorce is?

 

Chalk this girl up to experience and move on away from her.

 

Don't go on and on about how much time you two have spent together and whatnot. That is you getting sucked in by the 'sunk cost fallacy'.

 

Hopefully your next girlfriend will be someone of a better character. I know that you, my friend, will certainly be wiser.

[BluesPower]

JamesHa, listen, she's JUST your girlfriend, not your wife!!

 

The way things have shaken out you are now putting WAY too much effort into this failing relationship. You know what normal people do when their boyfriend/girlfriend relationship goes sideways like yours has? They end it!

 

She has now failed the job interview for a spouse. There is no way on God's green Earth that you could ever trust her in the role of a wife. Do you have any idea how expensive and complicated and life-shattering a divorce is?

 

Chalk this girl up to experience and move on away from her.

 

Don't go on and on about how much time you two have spent together and whatnot. That is you getting sucked in by the 'sunk cost fallacy'.

 

Hopefully your next girlfriend will be someone of a better character. I know that you, my friend, will certainly be wiser.

 

This is spot on. Why you are even considering getting back with her is a complete mystery. Send her packing.

 

I assure that there are a ton of girls out there that would love to be with you. No since wasting any more time with this one.

 

Pack her bags and put her out. You owe her nothing...

[road]

Polygraph testy time.

 

I have seen to many WW claim no sex because she knows

that her BH can not prove it was a PA and not just an EA.

 

Tell her that you need her to take a polygraph test. I'll bet

you dollars to doughnuts that her response will refuse to

take a polygraph test. Set up a test appointment then tell

her the time. The night before, or on the ride to the test, or

in the parking lot before you go in for the test she will

give you a confession.

 

This will be a partial confession known as the trickle truth.

Where she will admit to kissing, petting, maybe oral, but

will deny anything more. Then she will claim no need for

the test lets go home.

 

That is because she knows she did not give you the full truth.

Tell her the test is still on because you need to have the test

to confirm her confession.