When you really aren't comfortable going to a party with your spouse??

[stillafool]

Got a message from him on Facebook just now asking if he thinks we want to crash at their place tomorrow night, because they extended the option to anyone who wants to stay. Nope, that is the absolute last thing I want to do! We are getting there at 5PM and I'm certainly not going to be partying until 2AM! I'll be ready to go by 9. I told him he can take his bike and I'll take the car and if he wants to spend the night, he can.

 

Why are you going to a party you don't want to go to?

[Mapper71]

I even said in the message back to him that "I" personally don't want to stay over and that I'll probably be tired by 10PM. I said I know they are buddies and they can party it up, but it's not fun for me after a while and I get bored so we'll drive separate. He seems to understand that now, but if I do leave before him tomorrow night you can be sure he'll make a whole big scene about it.

 

It's no different for him when we are at one of my work functions and I can tell he's no longer having fun. He'll sit there like a bump on a log and say to me "I'm bored. Let's go." So if you can act like that when we're around people I like, I can act like that around your people. I remember when my friend and her husband visited us and one night we were all sitting outside. He went inside and after 15 minutes he still hadn't come out and I go look for him and he had gone to bed! Nice! Just not going to say anything and go to bed...at 9 PM!

Edited July 14, 2017 by Mapper71

[SoulCat]

Mapper, I really struggle to understand you.

 

You seem to be stuck in a marriage to a guy you have no love or respect for yet you choose to not do a damn thing about it. Apart from starting another thread here about yet another grievance about your horrible husband.

And, to be fair, not just your husband, there are plenty about his daughter, your mother and your colleagues.

Clearly you are not happy but you are not doing a damn thing to change anything.

 

 

Everything seems to be someone else's fault.

You claim your husband's friends 'hate' you, his daughter doesn't like you, your colleagues don't like you and exclude you, your mum has it in for you....

 

 

Do you not see that the common denominator is you? Maybe you exude disapproval, mistrust and negativity?

I have yet to read a happy, upbeat and positive post from you.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, from what you've posted your husband sounds much left to be desired but I can't help thinking you have got a massive role to play in all this dysfunction.

 

 

Sort it out. Get happy. Live life, you only got one.

Edited July 14, 2017 by SoulCat

[S2B]

Got a message from him on Facebook just now asking if he thinks we want to crash at their place tomorrow night, because they extended the option to anyone who wants to stay. Nope, that is the absolute last thing I want to do! We are getting there at 5PM and I'm certainly not going to be partying until 2AM! I'll be ready to go by 9. I told him he can take his bike and I'll take the car and if he wants to spend the night, he can.

 

This sounds like high school partying...and tossing in a few drugs to keep you up until half the night is gone.

 

You two are mis matched. Get out while you can without getting more entangled with his problems.

[Redhead14]

Everything seems to be someone else's fault.

You claim your husband's friends 'hate' you, his daughter doesn't like you, your colleagues don't like you and exclude you, your mum has it in for you.... -- that's the thing with the boards, we usually on hear one side. There are usually at least two sides and sometimes 3, 4, 5 sides.

 

This may be a chicken or egg situation. Was she at least a well-functioning, well-adjusted person before she married and is now feeling the effects of his alcoholism onher-- depression, bitterness, victim mindset, isolating? We can't know for sure. I'm thinking she did have some issues of her own that are contributing to the situation and especially since she married him in her late 30s (if I remember correctly) knowing who he was.

 

This is a typical scenario. If one partner is an alcoholic, the other gets dragged down with them and it affects the whole family and friend circle and it's very difficult after awhile to unravel.

 

The bottom line for her is to stop focusing on him for a while and get focused on just her and how she can change her behavior and get some counseling. She likely is giving off some negativity and that is a mild use of the word in her case, I'd say.

 

Apart from the fact that this guy does sound like he's an alcoholic and is a problem, it could just be about a woman who chose a partner with whom she is completely incompatible. His lifestyle choices/preference is are so different and he is surrounded by friends and family who are just just like him. Birds of a feather usually flock together. She's the odd bird out.

[Mapper71]

I was able to log on and see H's messages on Facebook and there was a message from the guy's wife to everyone going to the party saying "If you plan on crashing at the house to let them know so so can plan accordingly" H responds to her with "I don't think we'll be spending the night, but let me ping Mapper and see what she says". That's when he sent me the message asking if I'd want to stay there and I responded with I didn't. He then messages her back saying "Well save us a spot and we'll play it by ear. I plan on partying all night, but Mapper may peter out by midnight". Midnight??? And that's EARLY?! You'll be lucky if I make it until 10pm! We're getting there at about 5:30. He's going there with the total mindset that he is going to get rip roaring high and drunk and party like he's in college. He'll be 50 next year. I'm sorry, but I don't know anyone in my age group that goes to a party just assuming they will be too wasted to leave.

 

Oh and to make things better, I see he also messaged the guy and said "Do you have any shrooms left?" and the guy responded "Unless someone brings some, we are all out". This is what I'm talking about. Not just the pot, but psychadellic mushrooms. I am guessing that the last time he stayed there a few months ago after they went to a concert that they did mushrooms. And I guarantee you that he will have a conniption if I leave early or make a big deal about it in front of everyone and tell me that I should stay and do mushrooms too. Eventually he'll get all snide and go "You do whatever. I'm having fun and staying."

[S2B]

Mapper, why don't you get out of this marriage? It obviously doesn't make you happy. Life is too short to live this way.

 

Your husband is a child in a man's body. You do t need to mother him any longer.

 

Why don't you end it? He's mooching off of you so he can play and party!

[stillafool]

I was able to log on and see H's messages on Facebook and there was a message from the guy's wife to everyone going to the party saying "If you plan on crashing at the house to let them know so so can plan accordingly" H responds to her with "I don't think we'll be spending the night, but let me ping Mapper and see what she says". That's when he sent me the message asking if I'd want to stay there and I responded with I didn't. He then messages her back saying "Well save us a spot and we'll play it by ear. I plan on partying all night, but Mapper may peter out by midnight". Midnight??? And that's EARLY?! You'll be lucky if I make it until 10pm! We're getting there at about 5:30. He's going there with the total mindset that he is going to get rip roaring high and drunk and party like he's in college. He'll be 50 next year. I'm sorry, but I don't know anyone in my age group that goes to a party just assuming they will be too wasted to leave.

 

Oh and to make things better, I see he also messaged the guy and said "Do you have any shrooms left?" and the guy responded "Unless someone brings some, we are all out". This is what I'm talking about. Not just the pot, but psychadellic mushrooms. I am guessing that the last time he stayed there a few months ago after they went to a concert that they did mushrooms. And I guarantee you that he will have a conniption if I leave early or make a big deal about it in front of everyone and tell me that I should stay and do mushrooms too. Eventually he'll get all snide and go "You do whatever. I'm having fun and staying."

 

So why are you going to the party again?

[Mapper71]

The night went pretty much as I had imagined it. Although I will say that the party was fun. I didn't see anything illegal going on, not even any pot although there probably was. They had brought in a DJ who was a high school friend of the guy and that made for a fun time. However, we got there a little after 5PM and, as I suspected, I was ready to go about 10PM. At least H was coherent the whole night and attentive to me, but I said I was going to leave and he was okay with it but he goes "Well I wish you'd stay". Well I wish you'd come home with me like any other normal husband would do, but you are so dead set on partying that you won't. I was home and in bed by 11PM. He spent the night there and didn't show up back home until almost noon and he looked horrible. He said he was up until 3AM. So basically 10 hours of partying! Within 5 minutes of getting home, he puked in the bathroom, took a shower and then took a 4 hour nap. He spent the rest of the night on the couch feeling queasy. He knew this was going to be the outcome, but yet he STILL did it.

[S2B]

Well Mapper YOU knew the outcome yet you did it too... and you stay too.

 

You have no one to blame but yourself.

[Mapper71]

Well Mapper YOU knew the outcome yet you did it too... and you stay too.

 

You have no one to blame but yourself.

 

I didn't spend the night there. I didn't go there knowing I would drink myself into oblivion and not be able to drive home. I was home and in bed by 11PM!

[Redhead14]

You cannot control him. That's the bottom line. You can only tell him what you want and need from him. If he doesn't want to accommodate you, then you have to decide whether or not this is something you can live with and let go of or leave him.

 

He is an adult, albeit a drunk apparently who has no self-control nor desire to change his ways. He is who he is. And you are who you are. Those two people are just not compatible in terms of lifestyle preference.

 

This thread isn't really about going to parties . . . this is about a bigger issue altogether. Stop trying to win this little battle. You're losing the war. You need to focus on that in order to come up with a broader and more focused and effective approach. Go see a counselor. He or she will help you strategize.

[S2B]

I didn't spend the night there. I didn't go there knowing I would drink myself into oblivion and not be able to drive home. I was home and in bed by 11PM!

 

I meant you stay married to him!

[Whoknew30]

Honestly, going by what you've wrote, you're a whiner. No one likes that. There's nothing more annoying to people then to see a grown adult that is capable of helping themselves but won't & just wants to pout & whine.

 

I don't know if you're husband has addiction issues or not but even if he does, you chose him as a grown woman, you knew what you were getting. As "normal husbands go" I don't see any glued to their wives at parties with good friends. Married couples hang out with others to socialize, spouses see each other at home. I think you just don't like his friends & feel uncomfortable, so you expect him to babysit you. I'm just being honest, if others are watching this, that's why they dint like you. You're the bump on the log. Your normal, doesn't sound normal in my experience. You count others drinks, sounds like you watch & judge everything.

 

If you don't like a situation, don't go. It sounds like your husband wants you there, to have a good time with you but starts having fun & then hides by the end of the night bc you're sitting there looking miserable.

 

If he's such an issue, then you have two options...leave or try & fix it. Niether will be accomplished by whining, only actions. Good luck.