When you really aren't comfortable going to a party with your spouse??

[BluesPower]

Yes don't go...

 

But eventually the drugs are going to be a problem. If you want a responsible man, you may be waiting a long time or forever.

 

Most of us grown people have put all of that stuff away by now.

 

But here is something more interesting from a guys point of view.

 

Here is the case of a woman that met a bad boy and liked him. He has probably been around and he knows what he is doing in the sack, like most of us who have been that. She was smitten. Cool.

 

So now she is really more straight laced and wants a settled life, he is still the bad boy. She just does not understand why he won't get over all the bad boy behavior.

 

For me, I am kind of a dual personality. I was a bad boy and I can be now if I need or want to be, but for the most part I have settled down.

 

What is funny is to me are the different types of women that hit on me depending on which mode I happen to be in at the time.

 

So when I am partying and drinking hard, playing music with a good group of players, basically just kicking A**, one type of girl will hit on me.

 

If I am just chilling and maybe hanging out with friends then it is a different type of woman that wants to hit on me.

 

All of this just makes me LOL...

[Redhead14]

I'm kinda thinking this is a case of a young woman marrying a man before she knew "who" she really was and wanted for herself for her future . . . and not having the benefit of insight and forethought for the type of person she would need to complement/support her goals.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm kinda thinking this is a case of a young woman marrying a man before she knew "who" she really was and wanted for herself for her future . . . and not having the benefit of insight and forethought for the type of person she would need to complement/support her goals.

 

You'd think, but read her previous posts. She chose this life for herself at an older age knowing exactly who her husband is.

[Redhead14]

You'd think, but read her previous posts. She chose this life for herself at an older age knowing exactly who her husband is.

 

I missed all that I guess . . . but the crux for her even at an older age, she still didn't know who SHE was yet and still didn't have the insight and forethought she needed to make a good choice for herself.

[Mapper71]

Here's the other thing about all this. Do you two do other things together fairly often? If so, then there isn't anything wrong with you declining to attend these kinds of parties at least sometimes. You are still an individual. Does he give you a hard time about not going? I'm suspecting that he does since you are asking about it. If not, what's the big deal - don't go.

 

If you want to make a real statement and get clear with him that you don't appreciate his partying ways, you can draw a line in the sand. "I'm not happy with all the drinking and partying and being around these friends doesn't help and so I'm not going to attend these parties."

 

He's not going to get a handle on all this if he doesn't get a wake up call. Addicts/alcoholics do not have the reasoning ability to be able to focus on how this affects their loved ones without getting some kind of hit upside the head.

 

If you are planning to have children with this man, he needs to start getting a grip now. More importantly, I agree, with Aries. You should start attending Al Anon meetings. It will be an eye opening experience for you. When he goes to this party, you go to Al Anon.

 

How old are you two? How long have you been married?

 

I don't often bring up doing things or going places because he's either too tired, too lazy, or in a bad mood due to a crappy day at work and just wants to stay home and play his video games because he hasn't been online with them in over 12 hours. Gasp! The times I do ask him to do something with me he will get excited about it and tell me that it sounds like fun, but when the time comes to do it he will makes excuses as to why he won't go so it seems fruitless for me to even bring up doing things when I know the ultimate answer will be no. Not every time, but most times. Or he'll go because it gets me out of the house (which he makes it seem like it's a huge burden for him to go an do something I want to do).

 

I'm 45 and he's 49. Been married 7 years, together for 13. No kids between us and I have zero desire to have any.

 

I admit that I drink as well, but I know when to stop. He has no self control and will just have one drink after another without even really thinking. Yesterday was his day off and I came home at 5PM and I could tell immediately he'd had too much to drink. He was loud and obnoxious and nonchalant. He had a couple cups of coffee and calmed down, but then went right back to drinking and got obnoxious again. Then I get so sick of that that I turn it around on him and do some obnoxious stuff and get in his face. And guess what? 15 seconds of me doing that to him and he starts getting upset with me for acting that way! Really??!! Perfectly fine for him to get loud and obnoxious for hours on end because "He's just having fun", but I do it for 15 seconds and I need to just stop being that way because it bothers him!

[S2B]

Mapper, why do you think you need to stay married to him while he does drugs, drinks too much and purposely misses work?

 

He's not a partner in life - he's like a child at 49 years old.

 

If it's not adequate for your life/partner choices - then why not separate yourself from his inadequate tendencies?

[Redhead14]

I don't often bring up doing things or going places because he's either too tired, too lazy, or in a bad mood due to a crappy day at work and just wants to stay home and play his video games because he hasn't been online with them in over 12 hours. Gasp! The times I do ask him to do something with me he will get excited about it and tell me that it sounds like fun, but when the time comes to do it he will makes excuses as to why he won't go so it seems fruitless for me to even bring up doing things when I know the ultimate answer will be no. Not every time, but most times. Or he'll go because it gets me out of the house (which he makes it seem like it's a huge burden for him to go an do something I want to do).

 

I'm 45 and he's 49. Been married 7 years, together for 13. No kids between us and I have zero desire to have any.

 

I admit that I drink as well, but I know when to stop. He has no self control and will just have one drink after another without even really thinking. Yesterday was his day off and I came home at 5PM and I could tell immediately he'd had too much to drink. He was loud and obnoxious and nonchalant. He had a couple cups of coffee and calmed down, but then went right back to drinking and got obnoxious again. Then I get so sick of that that I turn it around on him and do some obnoxious stuff and get in his face. And guess what? 15 seconds of me doing that to him and he starts getting upset with me for acting that way! Really??!! Perfectly fine for him to get loud and obnoxious for hours on end because "He's just having fun", but I do it for 15 seconds and I need to just stop being that way because it bothers him!

 

bad mood due to a crappy day at work -- He's having crappy days at work because he goes there in a fog everyday.

 

I admit that I drink as well, but I know when to stop. -- That's probably what he told himself lots of times in the "early days" of his drinking.

 

He will certainly not take you seriously about his drinking if you are drinking at all . . . This is the mindset of an alcoholic -- immature -- "well, she does it and it's OK, but not for me?"

 

Physically, he's 49, mentally and emotionally, he's stunted at basically the age he was when he started drinking. Monitor yourself carefully. The spouse of an alcoholic finds themselves rowing that boat too because of stress, etc. Don't kid yourself if you find yourself drinking more often even if you don't go overboard, etc.

 

There is a book you should read that isn't about alcoholism. It's about the dynamics of a dysfunctional relationship. It's called the Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Read it. And, then get to Al Anon meetings regularly.

 

He will not change while the environment of enabling exists -- If you don't want to go to the party, you go somewhere else and start exercising your individuality and get really busy with your life. Be transparent about it, but you don't have to sit around while he is doing whatever the heck he wants.

 

And, if I were you, I'd open a credit card in your name only and keep it hidden. Don't use it unless and until you are preparing to leave him. Have the building blocks in place that empowers you to move on if he doesn't change or the situation gets worse -- and it will.

[Mapper71]

bad mood due to a crappy day at work -- He's having crappy days at work because he goes there in a fog everyday.

 

 

Actually his bad days seem to stem from either a customer or a coworker. He'll have the occasional people who come in and rub him the wrong way and then come home all upset because a guy was being a douche. But more often than not it's a coworker. He was working in another department before moving to his current one and the two guys he worked with were super cool for the first few months, but then one slowly started getting on his nerves. He's tell me he was never at the desk, always roaming the store and not even offering to help a customer if they were standing at the desk. Add to that the angry people who came in looking to have their stuff done and it wasn't a good fit for him. So in order to show management how much he hated it, he decided not to go in for a week, without pay. His classic thing to do when he gets stressed out. He figures it sends a message to them. I'm surprised so far the message hasn't been "You're fired for not showing up or calling in" but it never has. Not at this job and not at his previous place of employment.

 

Well then he moved to this other dept back in January and liked it a lot better. Liked the two guys he worked with. Kept telling me about this 22 year old he worked with who's a punk but he likes him. Well after a couple of months this guy started irritating him and he'd tell me about how much he's never at the desk and doesn't answer the phone or will leave a customer standing at the desk and never go back and help him...but he still liked him. But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!! Then when we were out with my manager and her husband the other night he brought up the whole incident and told them that this kid is a punk so he took the next day off to get his point across. Okay, you took a week not a day, and I can only imagine what they think of him taking off of work because someone upset him.

[thefooloftheyear]

Actually his bad days seem to stem from either a customer or a coworker. He'll have the occasional people who come in and rub him the wrong way and then come home all upset because a guy was being a douche. But more often than not it's a coworker. He was working in another department before moving to his current one and the two guys he worked with were super cool for the first few months, but then one slowly started getting on his nerves. He's tell me he was never at the desk, always roaming the store and not even offering to help a customer if they were standing at the desk. Add to that the angry people who came in looking to have their stuff done and it wasn't a good fit for him. So in order to show management how much he hated it, he decided not to go in for a week, without pay. His classic thing to do when he gets stressed out. He figures it sends a message to them. I'm surprised so far the message hasn't been "You're fired for not showing up or calling in" but it never has. Not at this job and not at his previous place of employment.

 

Well then he moved to this other dept back in January and liked it a lot better. Liked the two guys he worked with. Kept telling me about this 22 year old he worked with who's a punk but he likes him. Well after a couple of months this guy started irritating him and he'd tell me about how much he's never at the desk and doesn't answer the phone or will leave a customer standing at the desk and never go back and help him...but he still liked him. But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!! Then when we were out with my manager and her husband the other night he brought up the whole incident and told them that this kid is a punk so he took the next day off to get his point across. Okay, you took a week not a day, and I can only imagine what they think of him taking off of work because someone upset him.

 

Uhhh.....how old is he again??

 

 

TFY

[Redhead14]

Actually his bad days seem to stem from either a customer or a coworker. He'll have the occasional people who come in and rub him the wrong way and then come home all upset because a guy was being a douche. But more often than not it's a coworker. He was working in another department before moving to his current one and the two guys he worked with were super cool for the first few months, but then one slowly started getting on his nerves. He's tell me he was never at the desk, always roaming the store and not even offering to help a customer if they were standing at the desk. Add to that the angry people who came in looking to have their stuff done and it wasn't a good fit for him. So in order to show management how much he hated it, he decided not to go in for a week, without pay. His classic thing to do when he gets stressed out. He figures it sends a message to them. I'm surprised so far the message hasn't been "You're fired for not showing up or calling in" but it never has. Not at this job and not at his previous place of employment.

 

Well then he moved to this other dept back in January and liked it a lot better. Liked the two guys he worked with. Kept telling me about this 22 year old he worked with who's a punk but he likes him. Well after a couple of months this guy started irritating him and he'd tell me about how much he's never at the desk and doesn't answer the phone or will leave a customer standing at the desk and never go back and help him...but he still liked him. But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!! Then when we were out with my manager and her husband the other night he brought up the whole incident and told them that this kid is a punk so he took the next day off to get his point across. Okay, you took a week not a day, and I can only imagine what they think of him taking off of work because someone upset him.

 

He's having crappy days at work because he goes there in a fog everyday.

 

Mentally and emotionally, he's stunted at basically the age he was when he started drinking.

 

his bad days seem to stem from either a customer or a coworker.-- It's always someone else's fault -- always.

 

This guy is descending to the very depths of his alcoholism and he's going to take you with him if you don't get really, really, real with yourself first and then him.

[S2B]

Actually his bad days seem to stem from either a customer or a coworker. He'll have the occasional people who come in and rub him the wrong way and then come home all upset because a guy was being a douche. But more often than not it's a coworker. He was working in another department before moving to his current one and the two guys he worked with were super cool for the first few months, but then one slowly started getting on his nerves. He's tell me he was never at the desk, always roaming the store and not even offering to help a customer if they were standing at the desk. Add to that the angry people who came in looking to have their stuff done and it wasn't a good fit for him. So in order to show management how much he hated it, he decided not to go in for a week, without pay. His classic thing to do when he gets stressed out. He figures it sends a message to them. I'm surprised so far the message hasn't been "You're fired for not showing up or calling in" but it never has. Not at this job and not at his previous place of employment.

 

Well then he moved to this other dept back in January and liked it a lot better. Liked the two guys he worked with. Kept telling me about this 22 year old he worked with who's a punk but he likes him. Well after a couple of months this guy started irritating him and he'd tell me about how much he's never at the desk and doesn't answer the phone or will leave a customer standing at the desk and never go back and help him...but he still liked him. But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!! Then when we were out with my manager and her husband the other night he brought up the whole incident and told them that this kid is a punk so he took the next day off to get his point across. Okay, you took a week not a day, and I can only imagine what they think of him taking off of work because someone upset him.

 

You ask "who does that"?

 

Ummm, a person who has huge problems.

 

Problems you cannot fix Mapper... and problems you shouldn't continue living with.

 

When it's always someone else's fault - ya gotta start looking at who is truly the problem.

[JuneJulySeptember]

You keep piling on the negatives. It sounds almost as if you're making it up for fun. Then again, I feel that way about a lot of posts here, so maybe not.

 

I do know one guy who lives like that. He's 44 I think, and shows up to work stoned, is generally irresponsible, but responsible enough to keep his low stress job. He drinks to excess on weekends and very occasionally does harder drugs. I do even think he plays video games some.

 

His apartment is a disaster. It belongs on Hoarders. But he doesn't have a wife or girlfriend and actually does not even look.

[Redhead14]

But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!!

 

OP, alcohol affects the brain and the effects are compounded every single time they take a drink. And, even if they haven't had a drink in a couple of days, let's say, the brain is operating at diminished capacity. Reasoning ability/decision-making is affected. The statement above demonstrates that very clearly.

 

At his age, you should be on the look out for the physical symptoms of the disease of alcoholism -- jaundice - pancreatitis or cirrhosis, erectile dysfunction, kidney problems, heart problems.

 

Reasoning ability/decision-making is affected -- Is he responsible for the the household finances/future planning, etc.? Who manages all this? Him or you? If he's doing it all, you need to make sure you get involved and informed about the status of all financial accounts, etc. Is the house in both your names? Is there at least one car that is only in your name?

 

If you're in charge of all that, great, keep it up.

[Mapper71]

But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!!

 

OP, alcohol affects the brain and the effects are compounded every single time they take a drink. And, even if they haven't had a drink in a couple of days, let's say, the brain is operating at diminished capacity. Reasoning ability/decision-making is affected. The statement above demonstrates that very clearly.

 

At his age, you should be on the look out for the physical symptoms of the disease of alcoholism -- jaundice - pancreatitis or cirrhosis, erectile dysfunction, kidney problems, heart problems.

 

Reasoning ability/decision-making is affected -- Is he responsible for the the household finances/future planning, etc.? Who manages all this? Him or you? If he's doing it all, you need to make sure you get involved and informed about the status of all financial accounts, etc. Is the house in both your names? Is there at least one car that is only in your name?

 

If you're in charge of all that, great, keep it up.

 

Oh I'm in charge of EVERYTHING that goes on bill wise! At least what we are joint on. He's got his credit cards and student loan and bike loan which put him at about $30,000 in debt..which he has not told me about and I just found out by snooping. The only debt I have is the mortgage on the house, of course I know I am liable for his debts as well. I have ALWAYS been responsible with money. My car is in my name only, his car (which I bought for him!) is in his name. The house is in both our names, but I pay 90% of the mortgage because he can't afford to help. I pay 90% of the bills because he can't afford to help. I probably shell out close to $3000 a month on bills and groceries. If he's had a good paycheck he may throw me $300 or $400, but that's not even close to what he SHOULD give me for his share.

 

No way would I ever let him be in charge of bills!!

[Mapper71]

You ask "who does that"?

 

Ummm, a person who has huge problems.

 

Problems you cannot fix Mapper... and problems you shouldn't continue living with.

 

When it's always someone else's fault - ya gotta start looking at who is truly the problem.

 

Oh how I've wanted to tell him that every job he's had since I've known him he has complained that nobody else does their job. He is the only one who gets things done and everyone else is an idiot. Or how everyone is against him. Well if you are having an issue at every job, then don't you think that maybe YOU are the problem??!!

[Redhead14]

Oh I'm in charge of EVERYTHING that goes on bill wise! At least what we are joint on. He's got his credit cards and student loan and bike loan which put him at about $30,000 in debt..which he has not told me about and I just found out by snooping. The only debt I have is the mortgage on the house, of course I know I am liable for his debts as well. I have ALWAYS been responsible with money. My car is in my name only, his car (which I bought for him!) is in his name. The house is in both our names, but I pay 90% of the mortgage because he can't afford to help. I pay 90% of the bills because he can't afford to help. I probably shell out close to $3000 a month on bills and groceries. If he's had a good paycheck he may throw me $300 or $400, but that's not even close to what he SHOULD give me for his share.

 

No way would I ever let him be in charge of bills!!

 

OP, you do not have a husband . . . you have a dysfunctional DEPENDENT and a parasite who is draining the life out of you. And, an alcoholic with a motorcycle???? God almighty, I will pray for you and anyone who is on the road when he is every day.

Edited July 12, 2017 by Redhead14

[S2B]

Oh I'm in charge of EVERYTHING that goes on bill wise! At least what we are joint on. He's got his credit cards and student loan and bike loan which put him at about $30,000 in debt..which he has not told me about and I just found out by snooping. The only debt I have is the mortgage on the house, of course I know I am liable for his debts as well. I have ALWAYS been responsible with money. My car is in my name only, his car (which I bought for him!) is in his name. The house is in both our names, but I pay 90% of the mortgage because he can't afford to help. I pay 90% of the bills because he can't afford to help. I probably shell out close to $3000 a month on bills and groceries. If he's had a good paycheck he may throw me $300 or $400, but that's not even close to what he SHOULD give me for his share.

 

No way would I ever let him be in charge of bills!!

 

So you pay for most things in your life. It wouldn't be a worry to remove him then...the car is yours as well so you could potentially sell it and bank the money.

 

Seems like you'd be ahead of the game...no one dragging you down and constantly disappointing you.

 

He's not a partner - he's a mooch.

[whichwayisup]

He drinks and smokes pot every single night, sometimes to the extreme. When he's around his friends, it's just amplified and he has to show off how cool he is. He likes to be the center of attention.

 

All the more reason for him NOT TO DRIVE there! Taking a motorcycle or a car is not a good idea. Tell him to cab it there.

 

Mapper if you don't want to go, don't go. Who cares if he gets angry at you! He's angry at you daily for the little things so what's one more to the list? The people there aren't your friends and as you say your H is probably going to do his own thing and you'll sit there bored and alone. Stay home, have a nice evening to yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Oh how I've wanted to tell him that every job he's had since I've known him he has complained that nobody else does their job. He is the only one who gets things done and everyone else is an idiot. Or how everyone is against him. Well if you are having an issue at every job, then don't you think that maybe YOU are the problem??!!

 

What's stopping you from saying that? Maybe it's time for you speak up.

[TheWoman]

Mapper your husband lives life on his own terms. So why dont you?

Dont go to the party, he sure wouldnt if he were you.

 

Bigger picture, you dont sound happy at all. You have just got the one life, maybe its time to consider what you want from it?

[Redhead14]

When you really aren't comfortable going to a party with your spouse?? -- With all the information that has come to light throughout the course of this thread, I find it interesting that this is what you came here to ask advice about.

 

That is the typical approach a client takes when they have become numb to a situation and can't or aren't ready to address the bigger picture. They are in denial and don't want to accept that they are in the position they are in. It's kinda like a person who says "I have this friend . . . ". OP, it appears to me that you are so dissociated from the marriage and him that you are focusing on topics instead of the bigger picture and simply in denial -- numbing yourself. If you are, you, yourself, are living in a kind of fog now. That's not healthy at all. If this is the case, it's way past time to end the marriage or, at the very least, get some real counseling for yourself and him, if you can get through to him.

Edited July 13, 2017 by Redhead14

[stillafool]

Mapper your posts are always complaints about your husband. I'm surprised you would even consider going any place with him the way you talk about him. If you don't like his friends just stay home with the kids. Why go if you are going to be sitting in a corner by yourself while they party and have a good time? Just stay home and dream of a divorce.

[BaileyB]

I would never go.

 

And, I'm left wondering yet again... Why do you stay with this guy? Stay home and dream of divorce....

Edited July 13, 2017 by BaileyB

[Mapper71]

Got a message from him on Facebook just now asking if he thinks we want to crash at their place tomorrow night, because they extended the option to anyone who wants to stay. Nope, that is the absolute last thing I want to do! We are getting there at 5PM and I'm certainly not going to be partying until 2AM! I'll be ready to go by 9. I told him he can take his bike and I'll take the car and if he wants to spend the night, he can.

[Redhead14]

I would tell him to ask them if they have a room he can rent . . .