When you really aren't comfortable going to a party with your spouse??

July 12, 2017

I'm kinda thinking this is a case of a young woman marrying a man before she knew "who" she really was and wanted for herself for her future . . . and not having the benefit of insight and forethought for the type of person she would need to complement/support her goals.

July 12, 2017

I'm kinda thinking this is a case of a young woman marrying a man before she knew "who" she really was and wanted for herself for her future . . . and not having the benefit of insight and forethought for the type of person she would need to complement/support her goals.

You'd think, but read her previous posts. She chose this life for herself at an older age knowing exactly who her husband is.

July 12, 2017

You'd think, but read her previous posts. She chose this life for herself at an older age knowing exactly who her husband is.

I missed all that I guess . . . but the crux for her even at an older age, she still didn't know who SHE was yet and still didn't have the insight and forethought she needed to make a good choice for herself.

July 12, 2017

Here's the other thing about all this. Do you two do other things together fairly often? If so, then there isn't anything wrong with you declining to attend these kinds of parties at least sometimes. You are still an individual. Does he give you a hard time about not going? I'm suspecting that he does since you are asking about it. If not, what's the big deal - don't go.

If you want to make a real statement and get clear with him that you don't appreciate his partying ways, you can draw a line in the sand. "I'm not happy with all the drinking and partying and being around these friends doesn't help and so I'm not going to attend these parties."

He's not going to get a handle on all this if he doesn't get a wake up call. Addicts/alcoholics do not have the reasoning ability to be able to focus on how this affects their loved ones without getting some kind of hit upside the head.

If you are planning to have children with this man, he needs to start getting a grip now. More importantly, I agree, with Aries. You should start attending Al Anon meetings. It will be an eye opening experience for you. When he goes to this party, you go to Al Anon.

How old are you two? How long have you been married?

I don't often bring up doing things or going places because he's either too tired, too lazy, or in a bad mood due to a crappy day at work and just wants to stay home and play his video games because he hasn't been online with them in over 12 hours. Gasp! The times I do ask him to do something with me he will get excited about it and tell me that it sounds like fun, but when the time comes to do it he will makes excuses as to why he won't go so it seems fruitless for me to even bring up doing things when I know the ultimate answer will be no. Not every time, but most times. Or he'll go because it gets me out of the house (which he makes it seem like it's a huge burden for him to go an do something I want to do).

I'm 45 and he's 49. Been married 7 years, together for 13. No kids between us and I have zero desire to have any.

I admit that I drink as well, but I know when to stop. He has no self control and will just have one drink after another without even really thinking. Yesterday was his day off and I came home at 5PM and I could tell immediately he'd had too much to drink. He was loud and obnoxious and nonchalant. He had a couple cups of coffee and calmed down, but then went right back to drinking and got obnoxious again. Then I get so sick of that that I turn it around on him and do some obnoxious stuff and get in his face. And guess what? 15 seconds of me doing that to him and he starts getting upset with me for acting that way! Really??!! Perfectly fine for him to get loud and obnoxious for hours on end because "He's just having fun", but I do it for 15 seconds and I need to just stop being that way because it bothers him!

July 12, 2017

I don't often bring up doing things or going places because he's either too tired, too lazy, or in a bad mood due to a crappy day at work and just wants to stay home and play his video games because he hasn't been online with them in over 12 hours. Gasp! The times I do ask him to do something with me he will get excited about it and tell me that it sounds like fun, but when the time comes to do it he will makes excuses as to why he won't go so it seems fruitless for me to even bring up doing things when I know the ultimate answer will be no. Not every time, but most times. Or he'll go because it gets me out of the house (which he makes it seem like it's a huge burden for him to go an do something I want to do).

I'm 45 and he's 49. Been married 7 years, together for 13. No kids between us and I have zero desire to have any.

I admit that I drink as well, but I know when to stop. He has no self control and will just have one drink after another without even really thinking. Yesterday was his day off and I came home at 5PM and I could tell immediately he'd had too much to drink. He was loud and obnoxious and nonchalant. He had a couple cups of coffee and calmed down, but then went right back to drinking and got obnoxious again. Then I get so sick of that that I turn it around on him and do some obnoxious stuff and get in his face. And guess what? 15 seconds of me doing that to him and he starts getting upset with me for acting that way! Really??!! Perfectly fine for him to get loud and obnoxious for hours on end because "He's just having fun", but I do it for 15 seconds and I need to just stop being that way because it bothers him!

bad mood due to a crappy day at work -- He's having crappy days at work because he goes there in a fog everyday.

I admit that I drink as well, but I know when to stop. -- That's probably what he told himself lots of times in the "early days" of his drinking.

He will certainly not take you seriously about his drinking if you are drinking at all . . . This is the mindset of an alcoholic -- immature -- "well, she does it and it's OK, but not for me?"

Physically, he's 49, mentally and emotionally, he's stunted at basically the age he was when he started drinking. Monitor yourself carefully. The spouse of an alcoholic finds themselves rowing that boat too because of stress, etc. Don't kid yourself if you find yourself drinking more often even if you don't go overboard, etc.

There is a book you should read that isn't about alcoholism. It's about the dynamics of a dysfunctional relationship. It's called the Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Read it. And, then get to Al Anon meetings regularly.

He will not change while the environment of enabling exists -- If you don't want to go to the party, you go somewhere else and start exercising your individuality and get really busy with your life. Be transparent about it, but you don't have to sit around while he is doing whatever the heck he wants.

And, if I were you, I'd open a credit card in your name only and keep it hidden. Don't use it unless and until you are preparing to leave him. Have the building blocks in place that empowers you to move on if he doesn't change or the situation gets worse -- and it will.

July 12, 2017

bad mood due to a crappy day at work -- He's having crappy days at work because he goes there in a fog everyday.

Actually his bad days seem to stem from either a customer or a coworker. He'll have the occasional people who come in and rub him the wrong way and then come home all upset because a guy was being a douche. But more often than not it's a coworker. He was working in another department before moving to his current one and the two guys he worked with were super cool for the first few months, but then one slowly started getting on his nerves. He's tell me he was never at the desk, always roaming the store and not even offering to help a customer if they were standing at the desk. Add to that the angry people who came in looking to have their stuff done and it wasn't a good fit for him. So in order to show management how much he hated it, he decided not to go in for a week, without pay. His classic thing to do when he gets stressed out. He figures it sends a message to them. I'm surprised so far the message hasn't been "You're fired for not showing up or calling in" but it never has. Not at this job and not at his previous place of employment.

Well then he moved to this other dept back in January and liked it a lot better. Liked the two guys he worked with. Kept telling me about this 22 year old he worked with who's a punk but he likes him. Well after a couple of months this guy started irritating him and he'd tell me about how much he's never at the desk and doesn't answer the phone or will leave a customer standing at the desk and never go back and help him...but he still liked him. But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!! Then when we were out with my manager and her husband the other night he brought up the whole incident and told them that this kid is a punk so he took the next day off to get his point across. Okay, you took a week not a day, and I can only imagine what they think of him taking off of work because someone upset him.

July 12, 2017

Actually his bad days seem to stem from either a customer or a coworker. He'll have the occasional people who come in and rub him the wrong way and then come home all upset because a guy was being a douche. But more often than not it's a coworker. He was working in another department before moving to his current one and the two guys he worked with were super cool for the first few months, but then one slowly started getting on his nerves. He's tell me he was never at the desk, always roaming the store and not even offering to help a customer if they were standing at the desk. Add to that the angry people who came in looking to have their stuff done and it wasn't a good fit for him. So in order to show management how much he hated it, he decided not to go in for a week, without pay. His classic thing to do when he gets stressed out. He figures it sends a message to them. I'm surprised so far the message hasn't been "You're fired for not showing up or calling in" but it never has. Not at this job and not at his previous place of employment.

Well then he moved to this other dept back in January and liked it a lot better. Liked the two guys he worked with. Kept telling me about this 22 year old he worked with who's a punk but he likes him. Well after a couple of months this guy started irritating him and he'd tell me about how much he's never at the desk and doesn't answer the phone or will leave a customer standing at the desk and never go back and help him...but he still liked him. But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!! Then when we were out with my manager and her husband the other night he brought up the whole incident and told them that this kid is a punk so he took the next day off to get his point across. Okay, you took a week not a day, and I can only imagine what they think of him taking off of work because someone upset him.

Uhhh.....how old is he again??

TFY

July 12, 2017

Actually his bad days seem to stem from either a customer or a coworker. He'll have the occasional people who come in and rub him the wrong way and then come home all upset because a guy was being a douche. But more often than not it's a coworker. He was working in another department before moving to his current one and the two guys he worked with were super cool for the first few months, but then one slowly started getting on his nerves. He's tell me he was never at the desk, always roaming the store and not even offering to help a customer if they were standing at the desk. Add to that the angry people who came in looking to have their stuff done and it wasn't a good fit for him. So in order to show management how much he hated it, he decided not to go in for a week, without pay. His classic thing to do when he gets stressed out. He figures it sends a message to them. I'm surprised so far the message hasn't been "You're fired for not showing up or calling in" but it never has. Not at this job and not at his previous place of employment.

Well then he moved to this other dept back in January and liked it a lot better. Liked the two guys he worked with. Kept telling me about this 22 year old he worked with who's a punk but he likes him. Well after a couple of months this guy started irritating him and he'd tell me about how much he's never at the desk and doesn't answer the phone or will leave a customer standing at the desk and never go back and help him...but he still liked him. But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!! Then when we were out with my manager and her husband the other night he brought up the whole incident and told them that this kid is a punk so he took the next day off to get his point across. Okay, you took a week not a day, and I can only imagine what they think of him taking off of work because someone upset him.

He's having crappy days at work because he goes there in a fog everyday.

Mentally and emotionally, he's stunted at basically the age he was when he started drinking.

his bad days seem to stem from either a customer or a coworker.-- It's always someone else's fault -- always.

This guy is descending to the very depths of his alcoholism and he's going to take you with him if you don't get really, really, real with yourself first and then him.

July 12, 2017

You keep piling on the negatives. It sounds almost as if you're making it up for fun. Then again, I feel that way about a lot of posts here, so maybe not.

I do know one guy who lives like that. He's 44 I think, and shows up to work stoned, is generally irresponsible, but responsible enough to keep his low stress job. He drinks to excess on weekends and very occasionally does harder drugs. I do even think he plays video games some.

His apartment is a disaster. It belongs on Hoarders. But he doesn't have a wife or girlfriend and actually does not even look.

July 12, 2017

But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!!

OP, alcohol affects the brain and the effects are compounded every single time they take a drink. And, even if they haven't had a drink in a couple of days, let's say, the brain is operating at diminished capacity. Reasoning ability/decision-making is affected. The statement above demonstrates that very clearly.

At his age, you should be on the look out for the physical symptoms of the disease of alcoholism -- jaundice - pancreatitis or cirrhosis, erectile dysfunction, kidney problems, heart problems.

Reasoning ability/decision-making is affected -- Is he responsible for the the household finances/future planning, etc.? Who manages all this? Him or you? If he's doing it all, you need to make sure you get involved and informed about the status of all financial accounts, etc. Is the house in both your names? Is there at least one car that is only in your name?

If you're in charge of all that, great, keep it up.

July 12, 2017

But one day he had it out with him and then proceeded to take another full week off without pay to show management how he feels. Who does that??!!

OP, alcohol affects the brain and the effects are compounded every single time they take a drink. And, even if they haven't had a drink in a couple of days, let's say, the brain is operating at diminished capacity. Reasoning ability/decision-making is affected. The statement above demonstrates that very clearly.

At his age, you should be on the look out for the physical symptoms of the disease of alcoholism -- jaundice - pancreatitis or cirrhosis, erectile dysfunction, kidney problems, heart problems.

Reasoning ability/decision-making is affected -- Is he responsible for the the household finances/future planning, etc.? Who manages all this? Him or you? If he's doing it all, you need to make sure you get involved and informed about the status of all financial accounts, etc. Is the house in both your names? Is there at least one car that is only in your name?

If you're in charge of all that, great, keep it up.

Oh I'm in charge of EVERYTHING that goes on bill wise! At least what we are joint on. He's got his credit cards and student loan and bike loan which put him at about $30,000 in debt..which he has not told me about and I just found out by snooping. The only debt I have is the mortgage on the house, of course I know I am liable for his debts as well. I have ALWAYS been responsible with money. My car is in my name only, his car (which I bought for him!) is in his name. The house is in both our names, but I pay 90% of the mortgage because he can't afford to help. I pay 90% of the bills because he can't afford to help. I probably shell out close to $3000 a month on bills and groceries. If he's had a good paycheck he may throw me $300 or $400, but that's not even close to what he SHOULD give me for his share.

No way would I ever let him be in charge of bills!!

July 12, 2017

You ask "who does that"?

Ummm, a person who has huge problems.

Problems you cannot fix Mapper... and problems you shouldn't continue living with.

When it's always someone else's fault - ya gotta start looking at who is truly the problem.

Oh how I've wanted to tell him that every job he's had since I've known him he has complained that nobody else does their job. He is the only one who gets things done and everyone else is an idiot. Or how everyone is against him. Well if you are having an issue at every job, then don't you think that maybe YOU are the problem??!!

July 12, 2017

Oh I'm in charge of EVERYTHING that goes on bill wise! At least what we are joint on. He's got his credit cards and student loan and bike loan which put him at about $30,000 in debt..which he has not told me about and I just found out by snooping. The only debt I have is the mortgage on the house, of course I know I am liable for his debts as well. I have ALWAYS been responsible with money. My car is in my name only, his car (which I bought for him!) is in his name. The house is in both our names, but I pay 90% of the mortgage because he can't afford to help. I pay 90% of the bills because he can't afford to help. I probably shell out close to $3000 a month on bills and groceries. If he's had a good paycheck he may throw me $300 or $400, but that's not even close to what he SHOULD give me for his share.

No way would I ever let him be in charge of bills!!

OP, you do not have a husband . . . you have a dysfunctional DEPENDENT and a parasite who is draining the life out of you. And, an alcoholic with a motorcycle???? God almighty, I will pray for you and anyone who is on the road when he is every day.

Edited July 12, 2017 by Redhead14

July 13, 2017

He drinks and smokes pot every single night, sometimes to the extreme. When he's around his friends, it's just amplified and he has to show off how cool he is. He likes to be the center of attention.

All the more reason for him NOT TO DRIVE there! Taking a motorcycle or a car is not a good idea. Tell him to cab it there.

Mapper if you don't want to go, don't go. Who cares if he gets angry at you! He's angry at you daily for the little things so what's one more to the list? The people there aren't your friends and as you say your H is probably going to do his own thing and you'll sit there bored and alone. Stay home, have a nice evening to yourself.

July 13, 2017

Oh how I've wanted to tell him that every job he's had since I've known him he has complained that nobody else does their job. He is the only one who gets things done and everyone else is an idiot. Or how everyone is against him. Well if you are having an issue at every job, then don't you think that maybe YOU are the problem??!!

What's stopping you from saying that? Maybe it's time for you speak up.

July 13, 2017

Mapper your husband lives life on his own terms. So why dont you?

Dont go to the party, he sure wouldnt if he were you.

Bigger picture, you dont sound happy at all. You have just got the one life, maybe its time to consider what you want from it?

July 13, 2017

When you really aren't comfortable going to a party with your spouse?? -- With all the information that has come to light throughout the course of this thread, I find it interesting that this is what you came here to ask advice about.

That is the typical approach a client takes when they have become numb to a situation and can't or aren't ready to address the bigger picture. They are in denial and don't want to accept that they are in the position they are in. It's kinda like a person who says "I have this friend . . . ". OP, it appears to me that you are so dissociated from the marriage and him that you are focusing on topics instead of the bigger picture and simply in denial -- numbing yourself. If you are, you, yourself, are living in a kind of fog now. That's not healthy at all. If this is the case, it's way past time to end the marriage or, at the very least, get some real counseling for yourself and him, if you can get through to him.

Edited July 13, 2017 by Redhead14

July 13, 2017

Mapper your posts are always complaints about your husband. I'm surprised you would even consider going any place with him the way you talk about him. If you don't like his friends just stay home with the kids. Why go if you are going to be sitting in a corner by yourself while they party and have a good time? Just stay home and dream of a divorce.

July 13, 2017

I would never go.

And, I'm left wondering yet again... Why do you stay with this guy? Stay home and dream of divorce....

Edited July 13, 2017 by BaileyB

July 14, 2017

Got a message from him on Facebook just now asking if he thinks we want to crash at their place tomorrow night, because they extended the option to anyone who wants to stay. Nope, that is the absolute last thing I want to do! We are getting there at 5PM and I'm certainly not going to be partying until 2AM! I'll be ready to go by 9. I told him he can take his bike and I'll take the car and if he wants to spend the night, he can.

July 14, 2017

I would tell him to ask them if they have a room he can rent . . .

July 14, 2017

Got a message from him on Facebook just now asking if he thinks we want to crash at their place tomorrow night, because they extended the option to anyone who wants to stay. Nope, that is the absolute last thing I want to do! We are getting there at 5PM and I'm certainly not going to be partying until 2AM! I'll be ready to go by 9. I told him he can take his bike and I'll take the car and if he wants to spend the night, he can.

Why are you going to a party you don't want to go to?

July 14, 2017

I even said in the message back to him that "I" personally don't want to stay over and that I'll probably be tired by 10PM. I said I know they are buddies and they can party it up, but it's not fun for me after a while and I get bored so we'll drive separate. He seems to understand that now, but if I do leave before him tomorrow night you can be sure he'll make a whole big scene about it.

It's no different for him when we are at one of my work functions and I can tell he's no longer having fun. He'll sit there like a bump on a log and say to me "I'm bored. Let's go." So if you can act like that when we're around people I like, I can act like that around your people. I remember when my friend and her husband visited us and one night we were all sitting outside. He went inside and after 15 minutes he still hadn't come out and I go look for him and he had gone to bed! Nice! Just not going to say anything and go to bed...at 9 PM!

Edited July 14, 2017 by Mapper71

July 14, 2017

Mapper, I really struggle to understand you.

You seem to be stuck in a marriage to a guy you have no love or respect for yet you choose to not do a damn thing about it. Apart from starting another thread here about yet another grievance about your horrible husband.

And, to be fair, not just your husband, there are plenty about his daughter, your mother and your colleagues.

Clearly you are not happy but you are not doing a damn thing to change anything.

Everything seems to be someone else's fault.

You claim your husband's friends 'hate' you, his daughter doesn't like you, your colleagues don't like you and exclude you, your mum has it in for you....

Do you not see that the common denominator is you? Maybe you exude disapproval, mistrust and negativity?

I have yet to read a happy, upbeat and positive post from you.

Don't get me wrong, from what you've posted your husband sounds much left to be desired but I can't help thinking you have got a massive role to play in all this dysfunction.

Sort it out. Get happy. Live life, you only got one.

Edited July 14, 2017 by SoulCat

July 15, 2017

Everything seems to be someone else's fault.

You claim your husband's friends 'hate' you, his daughter doesn't like you, your colleagues don't like you and exclude you, your mum has it in for you.... -- that's the thing with the boards, we usually on hear one side. There are usually at least two sides and sometimes 3, 4, 5 sides.

This may be a chicken or egg situation. Was she at least a well-functioning, well-adjusted person before she married and is now feeling the effects of his alcoholism onher-- depression, bitterness, victim mindset, isolating? We can't know for sure. I'm thinking she did have some issues of her own that are contributing to the situation and especially since she married him in her late 30s (if I remember correctly) knowing who he was.

This is a typical scenario. If one partner is an alcoholic, the other gets dragged down with them and it affects the whole family and friend circle and it's very difficult after awhile to unravel.

The bottom line for her is to stop focusing on him for a while and get focused on just her and how she can change her behavior and get some counseling. She likely is giving off some negativity and that is a mild use of the word in her case, I'd say.

Apart from the fact that this guy does sound like he's an alcoholic and is a problem, it could just be about a woman who chose a partner with whom she is completely incompatible. His lifestyle choices/preference is are so different and he is surrounded by friends and family who are just just like him. Birds of a feather usually flock together. She's the odd bird out.

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When you really aren't comfortable going to a party with your spouse??

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