When you really aren't comfortable going to a party with your spouse??

July 10, 2017

So this Saturday my husband's really good friend (albeit a friend he sees only a couple times a year) and his wife are having a housewarming party. We used to hang out with them quite a bit more up until a few years ago when this guy's wife decided she didn't really like my husband and they sort of had it out. About a year ago she and my H resolved their differences after being out one night and having a talk (I wasn't there at the time) but I haven't seen her in over 2 years but I have seen him a few times since he would always come out without her and meet up with us because, well...she didn't want anything to do with us. She and her best friend used to be Facebook friends with me and I even went to a few things with them without H, but they both took me off their friends list for whatever reason. Even back then I wasn't really up to hanging out with them if we were at their house because they would bust out things I wasn't comfortable wiht. It was fine if we were out because they didn't do that stuff.

So now this weekend we get to go hang out with them and their friends who probably hate us too. Not only am I uncomfortable because of that, but this guy and his wife have been known to do some heavier drugs when they are partying and my husband will join in with them because he used to do them to. He only smokes pot now, which I'm not happy with, but he doesn't even consider anything more than that unless he's around this guy. I know they've done mushrooms and acid and everybody except for me seems to smoke pot. Drugs are not my scene and never have been. My husband thinks that I must be lying when I tell him my friends don't do that stuff, but they don't. I am a pretty straight laced person and my only drug is alcohol. I'm sure the party will start out fine, since kids are invited, but as it progresses into the evening and the kids leave I can see it getting rowdy. We're going to get there around 5PM and I'm sure I'll be more than ready to leave before it even gets dark, but if I don't stay then H will have a fit and tell me to loosen up and have some fun. And once he starts drinking and smoking pot, he's going to get rowdy and probably not even care if I'm there or not. I'll be off sitting by myself as the only sober person and he'll be an idiot.

July 10, 2017

So this Saturday my husband's really good friend (albeit a friend he sees only a couple times a year) and his wife are having a housewarming party. We used to hang out with them quite a bit more up until a few years ago when this guy's wife decided she didn't really like my husband and they sort of had it out. About a year ago she and my H resolved their differences after being out one night and having a talk (I wasn't there at the time) but I haven't seen her in over 2 years but I have seen him a few times since he would always come out without her and meet up with us because, well...she didn't want anything to do with us. She and her best friend used to be Facebook friends with me and I even went to a few things with them without H, but they both took me off their friends list for whatever reason. Even back then I wasn't really up to hanging out with them if we were at their house because they would bust out things I wasn't comfortable wiht. It was fine if we were out because they didn't do that stuff.

So now this weekend we get to go hang out with them and their friends who probably hate us too. Not only am I uncomfortable because of that, but this guy and his wife have been known to do some heavier drugs when they are partying and my husband will join in with them because he used to do them to. He only smokes pot now, which I'm not happy with, but he doesn't even consider anything more than that unless he's around this guy. I know they've done mushrooms and acid and everybody except for me seems to smoke pot. Drugs are not my scene and never have been. My husband thinks that I must be lying when I tell him my friends don't do that stuff, but they don't. I am a pretty straight laced person and my only drug is alcohol. I'm sure the party will start out fine, since kids are invited, but as it progresses into the evening and the kids leave I can see it getting rowdy. We're going to get there around 5PM and I'm sure I'll be more than ready to leave before it even gets dark, but if I don't stay then H will have a fit and tell me to loosen up and have some fun. And once he starts drinking and smoking pot, he's going to get rowdy and probably not even care if I'm there or not. I'll be off sitting by myself as the only sober person and he'll be an idiot.

Why not just don't go?

Or go with another car and take off if it's not going to be any fun for you but your husband wants to stay.

July 10, 2017

If you can't get out of attending, go & leave when you want. Assure your husband you will be by to pick him up in the morning. Normally I'd say when he's ready to leave but that might not be until the wee hours & you don't need that. Also don't take separate cars because he's going to be in no shape to drive.

July 10, 2017

Sorry H, these people are a bunch of druggies that hate my guts. I am staying home. Have fun.

July 10, 2017

Yeah given these details, I see no obligation to go to a party where people are going to get wasted on illegal drugs.

I go to work functions and other things with my husband where I go help him schmooze.... And often I rather not, but I go and show my support.

This is something different entirely though.

Personally I am way too old for that sort of BS

July 11, 2017

If your husband gets smashed on alcohol and pot once every 2 years, what's the big deal? Just drive separate cars and tell him to stay the night there.

July 11, 2017

Personally I am way too old for that sort of BS

Yeah, really.....

Maybe I am just a complete dud, but it's kinda surprising when I think about all the adults(im talking 40-60's), that can't get together and have some fun without getting lit up...BTDT....Left that crap in the dust(no pun intended) back in the 80's...

TFY

July 11, 2017

If you can't get out of attending, go & leave when you want. Assure your husband you will be by to pick him up in the morning. Normally I'd say when he's ready to leave but that might not be until the wee hours & you don't need that. Also don't take separate cars because he's going to be in no shape to drive.

Well he has to work until 5PM that day and the party is only about a mile or two from his work so most likely he'll take his motorcycle to work and then I'll drive myself rather than me taking him in and then picking him up for the party. But still, if I want to leave early and he's having a bunch of fun, he'll no doubt make a big deal about it and call me out in front of everyone and tell me to just hang out and have fun. But more than likely, at that point he won't even know I'm there because he'll be hanging out with the others.

2 years ago for the 4th of July we went to his buddies place. It was just alcohol and pot there, but we got there at about 6PM or so and it was fine and calm, but as the night progressed everyone started getting rowdy, including him. We're talking 30 and 40 year olds. At that point he was too busy being cool with all the others to care about where I was at. I was beat and it was midnight and I find him in the garage playing beer pong with a couple of the girls. He barely spoke to me and he kind of gave me a look like "Would you lighten up?". It's not fun for me when everyone else is being rowdy and here I am, sober and shy and tired and being looked at like I'm a pariah.

He's going to be 50 next year and he gets to acting like he's 20 when he's around these people. We went out for dinner and a live band with my coworker and her husband a few nights ago and that was nice. He probably found it extremely boring. We hung out for about 3 hours and then went home. They each had 2 drinks and then started drinking water and soda. That kind of night is fun for me. H doesn't understand the idea that you only have a couple of drinks and call it good. He will drink all night and then drive home. He can't understand when we meet up with my friends and he offers to buy them a shot or offer them some pot and they say no. He practically shoves the shot in their face for them to drink it and it agitates them. Everyone but him and his friends seem to have restraints.

July 11, 2017

If your husband gets smashed on alcohol and pot once every 2 years, what's the big deal? Just drive separate cars and tell him to stay the night there.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night, sometimes to the extreme. When he's around his friends, it's just amplified and he has to show off how cool he is. He likes to be the center of attention.

July 11, 2017

He drinks and smokes pot every single night, sometimes to the extreme. When he's around his friends, it's just amplified and he has to show off how cool he is. He likes to be the center of attention.

God, I hope there are no kids involved..

TFY

July 11, 2017

He drinks and smokes pot every single night, sometimes to the extreme. When he's around his friends, it's just amplified and he has to show off how cool he is. He likes to be the center of attention.

The issue here isn't drugs, the issue is the total lack of respect he has for you.

Smoking pot is no big deal to me, but if my boyfriend ignored me because of his friends or called me out and embarrassed me in front of them to make himself look cool, well he might get one chance but after that he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.

I hate to be harsh but you need to stop thinking of the small picture (the party) and start looking at the bigger picture (your whole relationship). It seems to me he does everything he wants and you're the one always making compromises. I hope you can see how unfair and toxic that situation can be.

July 11, 2017

So this Saturday my husband's really good friend (albeit a friend he sees only a couple times a year) and his wife are having a housewarming party. We used to hang out with them quite a bit more up until a few years ago when this guy's wife decided she didn't really like my husband and they sort of had it out. About a year ago she and my H resolved their differences after being out one night and having a talk (I wasn't there at the time) but I haven't seen her in over 2 years but I have seen him a few times since he would always come out without her and meet up with us because, well...she didn't want anything to do with us. She and her best friend used to be Facebook friends with me and I even went to a few things with them without H, but they both took me off their friends list for whatever reason. Even back then I wasn't really up to hanging out with them if we were at their house because they would bust out things I wasn't comfortable wiht. It was fine if we were out because they didn't do that stuff.

So now this weekend we get to go hang out with them and their friends who probably hate us too. Not only am I uncomfortable because of that, but this guy and his wife have been known to do some heavier drugs when they are partying and my husband will join in with them because he used to do them to. He only smokes pot now, which I'm not happy with, but he doesn't even consider anything more than that unless he's around this guy. I know they've done mushrooms and acid and everybody except for me seems to smoke pot. Drugs are not my scene and never have been. My husband thinks that I must be lying when I tell him my friends don't do that stuff, but they don't. I am a pretty straight laced person and my only drug is alcohol. I'm sure the party will start out fine, since kids are invited, but as it progresses into the evening and the kids leave I can see it getting rowdy. We're going to get there around 5PM and I'm sure I'll be more than ready to leave before it even gets dark, but if I don't stay then H will have a fit and tell me to loosen up and have some fun. And once he starts drinking and smoking pot, he's going to get rowdy and probably not even care if I'm there or not. I'll be off sitting by myself as the only sober person and he'll be an idiot.

He drinks and smokes pot every night

And once he starts drinking and smoking pot, he's going to get rowdy and probably not even care if I'm there or not. I'll be off sitting by myself as the only sober person and he'll be an idiot -- Given the statement above, I'm guessing that's how you feel every night too. So what's the big deal?Since you have such strong feelings about people who are "druggies"/partiers, etc., I'd say you are contradicting/compromising your values by allowing this to happen under your own roof every night. And, you might want to consider that you are enabling his behavior. And, you may find yourself living with an alcoholic down the road, if you aren't already.

July 11, 2017

The issue here isn't drugs, the issue is the total lack of respect he has for you.

Smoking pot is no big deal to me, but if my boyfriend ignored me because of his friends or called me out and embarrassed me in front of them to make himself look cool, well he might get one chance but after that he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.

I hate to be harsh but you need to stop thinking of the small picture (the party) and start looking at the bigger picture (your whole relationship). It seems to me he does everything he wants and you're the one always making compromises. I hope you can see how unfair and toxic that situation can be.

I get that. I mean he seems to find all my friends so goody 2 shoes, when it's really just the fact that their 40 somethings who are acting their age and not trying to act like they are still in college. And the fact that I never made friends with the druggies growing up. He gets off on adrenaline stuff like motorcycles and punk rock and guitars and loud music and alcohol and pot. When he gets around his buddy then he acts like he acted with him 20 years ago. People are put off by him, at least the people who I'm friends with. He's loud and he'll start dropping f-bombs 5 minutes after meeting someone for the first time which I am so embarrassed by.

July 11, 2017

How did the two of you meet and fall in love?

July 11, 2017

How did the two of you meet and fall in love?

At a bar during Happy Hour! I probably liked him because I had grown up so sheltered and never really traveled much and he was a rebel who showed me a lot of stuff I missed. Of course now I would give anything for him to calm down and be responsible.

July 11, 2017

At a bar during Happy Hour! I probably liked him because I had grown up so sheltered and never really traveled much and he was a rebel who showed me a lot of stuff I missed. Of course now I would give anything for him to calm down and be responsible.

give anything for him to calm down and be responsible. -- It would have been better if we were at least working on all that before you married him.

You're, basically, waiting for your husband to grow up. I would send him home to his mother so she can finish the job she started.

July 11, 2017

I'm sure the party will start out fine, since kids are invited, but as it progresses into the evening and the kids leave I can see it getting rowdy.

How do the kids leave and the adults stay?

Anyway, your husband still has no care for your thoughts and feelings, and you're still going to do nothing about it.

July 11, 2017

At a bar during Happy Hour! I probably liked him because I had grown up so sheltered and never really traveled much and he was a rebel who showed me a lot of stuff I missed. Of course now I would give anything for him to calm down and be responsible.

Oh the things we learn after happy hour....

Being so sheltered I can see how someone like him would seem so cool to you. But now, it isn't so cool anymore.

I wouldn't go to the party. Don't be fine with his behavior.

July 11, 2017

How do the kids leave and the adults stay?

Anyway, your husband still has no care for your thoughts and feelings, and you're still going to do nothing about it.

Well the parents who bring the kids will take them home and most likely stay home. It's just the single people and people without kids will stay and party.

July 12, 2017

Well he has to work until 5PM that day and the party is only about a mile or two from his work so most likely he'll take his motorcycle to work and then I'll drive myself rather than me taking him in and then picking him up for the party.But still, if I want to leave early and he's having a bunch of fun, he'll no doubt make a big deal about it and call me out in front of everyone and tell me to just hang out and have fun. But more than likely, at that point he won't even know I'm there because he'll be hanging out with the others.

For me, I don't really understand why a person would want their spouse/mate to stay at a place/event where they were bored or unhappy.

I mean, I do understand there's certain instances where you have to stick it out at weddings and such, but this is not one of those.

That's more the issue to me.

July 12, 2017

He drinks and smokes pot every single night, sometimes to the extreme. When he's around his friends, it's just amplified and he has to show off how cool he is. He likes to be the center of attention.

Oh. You're married to an addict then. I'm sorry.

You should leave him.

July 12, 2017

Is he still using prescription drugs Mapper?

No those were just after his accident. He hasn't had any prescription meds except for omeprazole (for his heartburn) in over a year.

July 12, 2017

mapper,

When you are involved with a person with an addiction there will always be a third party in the relationship.

Your husband is putting his relationship with drink/drugs before his relationship with you. Like people who cheat, he wants to have both relationships.

Unless there are consequences to his behaviour he will continue to do just that

The outcome of this all depends on how long you are prepared to take second place to his addiction.

So, the ball is in your court.

Have you thought about getting help (for yourself) from an AA group ?

July 12, 2017

Here's the other thing about all this. Do you two do other things together fairly often? If so, then there isn't anything wrong with you declining to attend these kinds of parties at least sometimes. You are still an individual. Does he give you a hard time about not going? I'm suspecting that he does since you are asking about it. If not, what's the big deal - don't go.

If you want to make a real statement and get clear with him that you don't appreciate his partying ways, you can draw a line in the sand. "I'm not happy with all the drinking and partying and being around these friends doesn't help and so I'm not going to attend these parties."

He's not going to get a handle on all this if he doesn't get a wake up call. Addicts/alcoholics do not have the reasoning ability to be able to focus on how this affects their loved ones without getting some kind of hit upside the head.

If you are planning to have children with this man, he needs to start getting a grip now. More importantly, I agree, with Aries. You should start attending Al Anon meetings. It will be an eye opening experience for you. When he goes to this party, you go to Al Anon.

How old are you two? How long have you been married?

July 12, 2017

Yes don't go...

But eventually the drugs are going to be a problem. If you want a responsible man, you may be waiting a long time or forever.

Most of us grown people have put all of that stuff away by now.

But here is something more interesting from a guys point of view.

Here is the case of a woman that met a bad boy and liked him. He has probably been around and he knows what he is doing in the sack, like most of us who have been that. She was smitten. Cool.

So now she is really more straight laced and wants a settled life, he is still the bad boy. She just does not understand why he won't get over all the bad boy behavior.

For me, I am kind of a dual personality. I was a bad boy and I can be now if I need or want to be, but for the most part I have settled down.

What is funny is to me are the different types of women that hit on me depending on which mode I happen to be in at the time.

So when I am partying and drinking hard, playing music with a good group of players, basically just kicking A**, one type of girl will hit on me.

If I am just chilling and maybe hanging out with friends then it is a different type of woman that wants to hit on me.

All of this just makes me LOL...

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When you really aren't comfortable going to a party with your spouse??

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