Jump to content

Wife wants to casually date


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted
Thanks for the comments, I am so confused what to do. I should follow everyone's advise and just file for divorce, but my life is way too hard to do this alone. I'm not sure I'm ready to abandon her yet. Trying to pay the bills and raise triplet boys under 4 by myself is exhausting. She is manipulating me and saying just enough to keep me from getting a divorce. When she comes out of i really need to be there for her. She is an addict and bi polar and her thoughts are irrational. I told her there is no way I'm going to stand around and let her date others. She deleted the profile in front of me and is really stating that she needs help. I found a place and she is ready to get her head clear. Other posters stated it may be to get back at my infidelities, which I will state has never happened. I'm as faithful as a man can be.

 

You are in for more drama and stupidity. You are doing nothing more than playing a Knight in Shining Armor and frankly, I'd be surprised if she ever seeks any treatment. For she has you to laugh at when she rips your heart out and stomps on it, only for you to apologize to her for bleeding on her shirt.

 

No dude, this marriage is totally a lost cause. But she'll never know it because you lack the backbone to do anything but give her a soft place to land. I feel sorry for you, as you are a total doormat, who only enables her crappy behavior by being an "Aw Shucks" pushover.

  • Like 1
Posted

So... After reading the initial posting... Sounds like she is trying to play your situation like she is entertaining the notion and trying to convince you into converting your marriage into an open relationship...

The problem is... You two don't sound like the couples that seem to be able to survive or flourish as a couple when it is an open relationship.

Your situation reads like your wife is working on trying to get into and execute an exit affair. It sounds like moving into an open relationship will pretty much end up destroying whats left of your relationship. This is usually a high risk endeavor that usually requires a completely different starting point and relationship dynamics than what is going on in this situation.

  • Like 1
Posted

All too often I see mental health issues used as an excuse for infidelity and promiscuity.

  • Like 5
Posted
All too often I see mental health issues used as an excuse for infidelity and promiscuity.

 

Yes. I understand this thought.

 

But ... there are some realities to some disorders. One doesn't have to accept them, as part of ones own life of course - as mature adults there is always the 'leave' option, we don't have to put up with it ultimately.

 

However, trying to force fit a 'normal' reasoned and logical thought process, as most of us have to a person with some types of disorder is just denying reality.

 

I watched for 10 years and more the family of my first wife scold, berate and give reasoned advice to my wifes sister who is bi-polar, an intelligent educated woman I might add, and yet ... to no avail. She understood the language, the english words, being used to admonish her, yet, inevitably, she'd go off her meds, have a manic episode and end up in some very serious situations.

 

We who live with partners or family members with mental disorders ultimately realise that our loved ones are adults and our society grants them the rights to live their own life - there is literally nothing you can do, aside from forced institutionalization, to control another adult and ultimately, for better or worse, this is probably how it should be.... when you really sit down and have a quiet think about it.

Posted

Hi Mumbles, if I may ask, why have you decided to stay with your wife when you know she has an incurable mental disorder that you can do nothing to cure? You seem very well informed about such a disorder and can pinpoint with accuracy how your wife is going to behave. Most of it is very damaging for your relationship. You also mentioned that your first wife's sister was bipolar( if I'm not mistaken? ). With that kind of knowledge I would have run a mile before committing to someone with these kinds of problems. There may be a very logical and reasonable explanation for your situation, it is just that I would be interested in your reasons if it foes not mean impinging on your privacy. Do feel free to correct any misconceptions on my part.

 

On another note, I feel sad to read stories like those of No username because of the fact that they are hurting and yet cannot bring themselves to take any decisive action to get out of an intolerable situation. I guess all of us here can only wish them the very best and hope that they will stir themselves out of their indecisiveness and take proactive steps to protect themselves and their children. Warm wishes

Posted

I'll answer the second part first:

 

On another note, I feel sad to read stories like those of No username because of the fact that they are hurting and yet cannot bring themselves to take any decisive action to get out of an intolerable situation. I guess all of us here can only wish them the very best and hope that they will stir themselves out of their indecisiveness and take proactive steps to protect themselves and their children.

 

First thing to remember, and its incredibly important - the spouse of a disordered person is almost without exception an abused person - they are a victim. It doesn't help the victim to beat them mercilessly about the head.

 

This doesnt imply that they are helpless wall flowers just wandering through life looking for abuse - but most are co-dependents who have their own issues.

 

Ultimately, all adults have the flee option. You can drop your life, close your bank accounts, sell your assets and simply disappear. We all have this option at every stage in our lives. Move city, state, even country, and start with a new canvas.

 

In the specific case of the OP, almost all the thread responses have been responses that are valid and useful in most normal situations but come from an angle of two mentally healthy people who are simply making life choices which do not align. This is plainly not the case in this situation.

 

I strongly recommend that the OP do a ton of research on Bi-polar ... and perhaps also on Cluster-B as some of the things said so far hint at co-morbidity which is very often the case. Also go and see a therapist, on their own, one who has an extensive background in dealing with PD. For the co-dependent, its imperative that they come to a full understanding that their spouse isn't like them ... in the most fundamental basic ways they are different and analogies with themselves and other healthy people relating to cause and effect must not be made.

 

We make decisions every day on how to deal with those around us - but generally we at least partially base those decisions on an assumption of common empathetic response. You know "I feel like this" in a scenario, so you, probably, feel much the same as me given the same scenario. This assumption must go out the window when dealing with disordered people.

 

 

Hi Mumbles, if I may ask, why have you decided to stay with your wife when you know she has an incurable mental disorder that you can do nothing to cure? You seem very well informed about such a disorder and can pinpoint with accuracy how your wife is going to behave. Most of it is very damaging for your relationship. You also mentioned that your first wife's sister was bipolar( if I'm not mistaken? ). With that kind of knowledge I would have run a mile before committing to someone with these kinds of problems. There may be a very logical and reasonable explanation for your situation, it is just that I would be interested in your reasons if it foes not mean impinging on your privacy. Do feel free to correct any misconceptions on my part.

 

I'm not a therapist and I don't have a great deal of knowledge. What I do have has come from doing a ton of research when things starting going seriously awry in my own relationship.

 

You'd have thought that spending so much time, earlier, with a bi-polar person that yes, I'd see the red flags early and wouldn't have even married my current wife. Really, thats a fair position to take. However, despite being in the same extended family as a bi-polar sufferer, I never took the time to really research the issue and come to grips with it. I remained blissfully ignorant (!!!??)

 

I don't, can't and won't ever have a 'normal' relationship with my current wife. Its just not possible. You can't ever truthfully and with honesty of intent, build an upwards spiraling life with such a person - you know, the joint mortgage, future combined dreams and accomplishments style of relationship - because ultimately, inevitably, a manic (or other) episode will occur which takes the disordered person and anyone within the blast zone back to base zero.

 

The answer for why I'm still here is that by compartmentalization I can lead my own life, with barriers around those things which are not disposable (by me) - so, to use a huge financial example, my house is mine, in my name and no joint-and-several mortgage, it can't be any other way. I engage my wife to join me in my life and experiences as befits her ability, determined largely by where she is in her current manic cycle.

 

I stay with her because I get things from interaction with her. Its really that simple. But co-dependents, like me, will do themselves an enormous mental favour by actually thinking about those things in a concrete way. The first thing to lose however is all notions of honour (along the lines of marriage contract type honour) and duty.

  • Like 1
Posted
Yes. I understand this thought.

 

But ... there are some realities to some disorders. One doesn't have to accept them, as part of ones own life of course - as mature adults there is always the 'leave' option, we don't have to put up with it ultimately.

 

However, trying to force fit a 'normal' reasoned and logical thought process, as most of us have to a person with some types of disorder is just denying reality.

 

I watched for 10 years and more the family of my first wife scold, berate and give reasoned advice to my wifes sister who is bi-polar, an intelligent educated woman I might add, and yet ... to no avail. She understood the language, the english words, being used to admonish her, yet, inevitably, she'd go off her meds, have a manic episode and end up in some very serious situations.

 

We who live with partners or family members with mental disorders ultimately realise that our loved ones are adults and our society grants them the rights to live their own life - there is literally nothing you can do, aside from forced institutionalization, to control another adult and ultimately, for better or worse, this is probably how it should be.... when you really sit down and have a quiet think about it.

 

The thing is that mental disorder or not, they know fundamentally that what they are doing by cheating is wrong.

 

That's what it boils down to for me. By taking the time, to lie and cover up their tracks, they know it's wrong.

 

The far better thing for someone with a mental disorder that they know leads them to sleep around or have the desire to, is to be upfront with their BF/GF from the beginning.

 

Of course they know if they did they, nobody would be with them. It's deception from the get go, however for those like yourself who find a coping mechanism... That's fine.

 

If someone believes in monogamy, they wouldn't be able to deal with it.

  • Like 1
Posted

Hi Mumbles, thank you for your response to my post. Just to clarify, I have personal experience with Manic-Depressive disorder as my mother suffered from it. All those years ago medical science was probably not advanced enough for the kind of drugs that are available for management of such disorders today. I do not know if Bipolar disorder has degrees of severity but if it does then probably my mother suffered a slightly milder form of it. During her manic phase she was very energetic and lively and would take up some project or the other. I remember once she took up secretarial training and another time she started on a teachers training course. Of course she would not complete any of these projects because a little set back somewhere would trigger her depression and soon she would be in the depth of it. Her periods of the manic phase would last around eight or nine months and her depressive phase would last over a year and up to a year and a half. As children we found it very traumatic and could not understand what was going on. To my knowledge my mother was never promiscuous during her manic phase. However we all dreaded her depressive phase. My father who was much older than my mother, was psychologically and emotionally a very strong person and was able to handle her episodes stoically. Any other man would have deserted her but my father stuck by her. To be fair to him and my mother, neither was aware that she suffered from this disorder before their marriage. It manifested well after the birth of their first child.

 

Although my father had the fortitude to be able to handle my mother's disorder I know for a fact that in his place I would not have been able to handle something like this. Sandie is right when she says that Bipolar disordered people who go on promiscuous binges know exactly what they are doing. They are well aware of right from wrong yet they choose to do what they do knowing it is wrong. I know there are many people both men and women who are able to overlook their partner's cheating ways because they love them and, in a convoluted way, their deviant partners love them too. However, for most of the world such people would be considered c......ds. In any case all of us are entitled to live our lives by our own rules. No one else can tell us how to live it. So if No username chooses to live like this I guess we have no right to tell him otherwise. Warm wishes.

  • Like 1
Posted
All too often I see mental health issues used as an excuse for infidelity and promiscuity.

 

Especially where women are concerned. It's as if it must be a mental health issue that makes them cheat rather than the truth which is they are just promiscuous and want to experience other men. Men have a hard time accepting that truth.

  • Like 3
Posted
All too often I see mental health issues used as an excuse for infidelity and promiscuity.

 

I agree. I always wince when someone provides someone a diagnosis of some mental disorder to a poster. The poster shares his/her anecdote, no mention of mental disorder, keeps details in black and white and suddenly someone says she must have this or that...

 

Like someone else said, fundamentally, I believe these ladies (and men) know what they are doing is wrong. I also wonder at times why anyone would spend so much time trying to fix someone that they are convinced has a mental disorder instead of distancing themselves. I understand if you've been together for a decade(s), but while dating someone? Why subject yourself to additional strife introduced by someone you are dating?

 

Oh, well...

Posted
I agree. I always wince when someone provides someone a diagnosis of some mental disorder to a poster. The poster shares his/her anecdote, no mention of mental disorder, keeps details in black and white and suddenly someone says she must have this or that...

 

It is easier to do this and attempt to appear like a sage than to break the news to a new arrival their partner or spouse is just a garden variety arsehole. Because there MUST be some rational explanation on why this behavior is so prevalent right? A wave of Mental Illness that only appears in Relationships and not other day to day social interactions...just relationships.

 

 

If I had a dime for every time that someone in one of these subforums failed to bandy about either Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Bi Polar Disorder as the answer to why people cheat I'd be broke.

Posted
The thing is that mental disorder or not, they know fundamentally that what they are doing by cheating is wrong.

 

I don't believe this is correct actually. I know its controversial commonly talking about it - but fundamentally, for most disordered people, they actually feel that they are normal - yes, they gets tons of environmental feedback to the contrary, but they don't feel 'ill'.

 

So, those with a PD that has a preponderance for promiscuity, at a language level, they understand that people around them consider this behavior to be 'wrong' - internally though, they don't feel this way - in a profound way.

 

Basically, if you get the idea of "if insanity is normal, does being the only sane one actually mean I'm not sane?" you will understand, at least partially, whats going on.

 

All they really comprehend, at a deep thought level, is that other people, strangely and for no apparent reason, consider this to be bad behaviour. It doesn't follow, at all, that therefore this behaviour is _actually_ wrong - just that those around them consider it so.

 

Now, there is a difference between cluster-b types and bipolar types - I have to be careful not to confabulate, and I have done already to some degree, so caution - cluster-B's certainly won't have any problem in pursing other partners - why wouldn't they? Its normal behaviour that feeds their disorder.

 

Bipolar types, a lot of them anyway, have an innate preponderance in this direction, but it tends to only manifest during their episodes, and even then, you'd often need a 'perfect storm' to be present to enable this type of behaviour.

 

Honestly, most of us try to force fit our own ... or at least whats considered "normal" thought processes to those with PD's. Its harms only ourselves as the PD person, largely, won't care what you think unless you threaten their 'supply' and even then, they will likely abuse you into conformance with their fantasy world view rather than enact any real, deep level change in their own behaviour.

 

The clinical advice for those circling a PD person is to run away - yes really!

 

For those situations where that isn't feasible, because of family ties, or other reasons, is to construct walls around them, to reduce the size and severity of the blast zone. My thoughts in this thread are coming from the second instance - damage reduction, I am certainly not coming from the view that staying with such an individual is a good idea (generally speaking) nor from a healing point of view, for the most part, PD people can't be healed, only contained (drugs, therapy, boundaries).

  • Like 1
Posted
It is easier to do this and attempt to appear like a sage than to break the news to a new arrival their partner or spouse is just a garden variety arsehole. Because there MUST be some rational explanation on why this behavior is so prevalent right? A wave of Mental Illness that only appears in Relationships and not other day to day social interactions...just relationships.

 

 

If I had a dime for every time that someone in one of these subforums failed to bandy about either Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Bi Polar Disorder as the answer to why people cheat I'd be broke.

 

You are right on the money here.

 

But ...

 

Diagnosis of PD, certainly cluster-b, is based upon the observation of recurring behavior of this type and the other indicators of their particular brand of PD. If people are going round and round in their lives, displaying the same thought processes and actions and, despite being severely punished by society as a result _still_ continue to engage this circular life, then theres a fair chance that they are not simply a narcissistic asshat, but are somewhere on the spectrum of a PD.

 

Understand too that of course at a deep philosophical level, these things are just labels to help us categorize people. There has been a raging debate, for probably 100 years and more, as to whether there even _is_ such a thing as the 'personality' ... but that a much deeper conversation for another day :)

Posted
Sandie is right when she says that Bipolar disordered people who go on promiscuous binges know exactly what they are doing. They are well aware of right from wrong yet they choose to do what they do knowing it is wrong.

 

I think that there is a fundamental difference to how they view it though.

 

They don't, themselves, feel that its wrong at all. They are aware, when they are lucid, that _you_ feel its wrong, but they can't and won't ever really understand why you feel that way.

 

You might note, for example, that jails are full of mentally ill people. Not all, not by a long way, but there is a goodly proportion. Why is this? Certainly I'm not trying to advocate that breaking societies rules is ok, but those with illnesses, even PD's, don't fundamentally understand within themselves, why things happen to them as a result of their activities - they are living their 'normal' life doing their thing, but they simply don't see the boundaries.

 

They put their hand in the fire and are genuinely surprised to be burned.

Posted

My point is that if they didn't think it was wrong, they wouldn't try to hide it as they usually do. They'd bring a man home right in front of their existing partner.

 

I also agree that this tends to be attributed to women. It's like one can't accept that some women just like to have sex with different men, while in a committed relationship.

 

I do think it's a method of self protection in some ways because otherwise, the raw truth would be "my wife is a bit of a loose woman who puts it about" and no husband wants to believe that.

 

I've known so called bipolar sufferers instigate a 'break up' to go and have sex with other men. Then afterwards they return to the marriage or the boyfriend.

 

That way if it comes out of the excuse of being separated at the time is ready and waiting.

 

It gets put down to a manic episode. Lots of manipulation, but they know exactly what's what.

  • Like 2
Posted

You sound just like the guy from the movie "When a man loves a woman", except your wife treats you like a friend, not a lover.

  • Like 1
Posted

 

I also agree that this tends to be attributed to women. It's like one can't accept that some women just like to have sex with different men, while in a committed relationship.

 

I do think it's a method of self protection in some ways because otherwise, the raw truth would be "my wife is a bit of a loose woman who puts it about" and no husband wants to believe that.

 

 

 

This is the problem. Men don't want to believe that some women want to have sex the way a man does with many different partners and that she is not mentally ill; but just plain promiscuous.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

Hi Folks, I think there is a term for women who, in committed relationships sleep around with men other than their husbands. The term is hotwife/ hotgirlfriend. In such cases their husbands/ boyfriends actually encourage them and sometimes even egg them on to sleep with other men. Two reasons are advanced for this kind of behaviour. The first is that the husbands/ SOs want their women to explore their sexuality fully with other partners and the second reason is that the husbands/SOs get turned on by such activity of their wives/ girlfriends. However, where a husband is a truly monogamous man and cannot accept his wife/GF sleeping around, the relationship is doomed and even if reconciliation is tried, it will eventually fail. Women with a proclivity for sleeping around cannot have normal relationships with monogamous men. They will have to search out partners who accept the fact that they will sleep around. Nymphomaniacs also are promiscuous but they have a mental health problem. Hotwives are just otherwise healthy women with a tendency to sleep around.

 

I also am coming around to agreeing with Mumbles on his view that for bipolar folk, sex binges are a normal part of their life and that there is nothing wrong with it. Schizophrenics who are otherwise considered mad by so called sane people believe that the world they live in is real. Those who have seen the movie "A beautiful mind" about the mathematics genius (Still alive) who was schizophrenic will appreciate this point of view. I remember reading an account on a forum which dealt with matters on women's sexuality where a man had to deal with the issues arising out of his wife's bipolar disorder. He had written in to say that in normal course when his wife was not having a manic phase, she was a model housewife and was loving, kind and dutiful, keeping a neat and clean home and fully attentive to him. However when her manic phase took over she would disappear from the house and frequent bars in the neighbourhood and pick up men and go off with them. Often, when her husband returned home he would not know where she was and would just have to wait for her to come home after her episode had subsided. Of course when she returned home she was very shamefaced and contrite about what she had done. The funny thing was that she was very scared that her husband would divorce her but of course he was not prepared to do so. Like Mumbles he was not going to abandon her. He finally came up with a unique solution acceptable to him which I won't go into but it does dovetail in with what Mumbles has been saying. Bipolar and similarly mentally affected people probably have no control over their actions when in a manic state. I guess this is the reason courts give the benefit of doubt to murderers who claim insanity as the cause of their actions. Warm wishes.

 

P. S. Wmacbride's quote at the bottom of her posts is particularly depressing. The Canadian government needs to come up with something better!

Edited by Just a Guy
Posted
Hi Folks, I think there is a term for women who, in committed relationships sleep around with men other than their husbands. The term is hotwife/ hotgirlfriend. In such cases their husbands/ boyfriends actually encourage them and sometimes even egg them on to sleep with other men. Two reasons are advanced for this kind of behaviour. The first is that the husbands/ SOs want their women to explore their sexuality fully with other partners and the second reason is that the husbands/SOs get turned on by such activity of their wives/ girlfriends.

 

The urban language for the above is a modern form of cuckolding. Traditional cuckolding is a wife who sleeps with any number of men without her husband knowing. In modern times its morphed into a fetish whereby the husband often does know, and, as you say, promotes the behaviour, even being present during 'activities'.

 

However, where a husband is a truly monogamous man and cannot accept his wife/GF sleeping around, the relationship is doomed and even if reconciliation is tried, it will eventually fail. Women with a proclivity for sleeping around cannot have normal relationships with monogamous men. They will have to search out partners who accept the fact that they will sleep around. Nymphomaniacs also are promiscuous but they have a mental health problem. Hotwives are just otherwise healthy women with a tendency to sleep around.

 

Perhaps. Nymphomaniacs are probably clinically classified as "Histrionic Personality Disorder" today I suspect.

 

I also am coming around to agreeing with Mumbles on his view that for bipolar folk, sex binges are a normal part of their life and that there is nothing wrong with it. Schizophrenics who are otherwise considered mad by so called sane people believe that the world they live in is real.

 

I think its fair to say that most PD people believe their reality to be real. Right and wrong are subjective and mentally healthy people generally, at some point take on the view of the majority ... thus promiscuity inside a marriage or otherwise presumed monogamous relationship becomes 'wrong' ... in the general view.

Posted
The urban language for the above is a modern form of cuckolding. Traditional cuckolding is a wife who sleeps with any number of men without her husband knowing. In modern times its morphed into a fetish whereby the husband often does know, and, as you say, promotes the behaviour, even being present during 'activities'.

 

 

 

 

What is it called when the wife wants to watch her husband having sex with other women?

Posted
What is it called when the wife wants to watch her husband having sex with other women?

 

 

 

LAZY !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

Posted
LAZY !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

 

You mean there is no clinical name for it? Why?

Posted

Thinking Nouser has left the building....:(

Posted

I think there may well be a number of women who would like the experience of being able to sleep with other men, with their husband accepting it. That's called an open relationship.

 

When an open relationship is declined, it kind of changes into a mental health issue.

 

We need to be accept that some women want to be married, but also want some extra.

 

Men who have women on the side aren't labelled with a mental disorder, unless it's really excessive.

 

Why can't we accept that some women like variety and aren't capable of monogamy?

 

Could it be perhaps the male ego can't accept that he isn't enough (sexually) for his wife... And it doesn't look like somehow it's a failing on his part if it's a mental illness. Something to do with feeling emasculated.

 

OP... How are you doing?

Posted
What is it called when the wife wants to watch her husband having sex with other women?

 

Cuckquean or Cuckqueen. Its the linguistic female Cuckold.

  • Like 1
×
×
  • Create New...