Midwestmissy Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 he told me he never slept with her and I got tested. He was so insulted and called me a drama queen. yes really. then he told me months later that he had lied and I got tested again and so did he. it was humiliating after being faithful for almost 30 yrs. awful that his wife is being lied to. this is her reproductive health and she has a right to know whats happened. and as the mother of teenagers, I say to you what I say to them: unless you have both been tested and shown each other the results, use a condom. stds are not a joke. you knew he was lying to his wife, so you knew he was a capable and shameless liar. its all so awful, isn't it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 I got myself tested. I knew I was never going to be with him again. He and ow could dry rot from an std for all I cared. It was just plain nasty to subject me to her and the other husbands she was screwing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 It would be the first thing that I did... Even before I packed his bags and told him to leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 I think of all the std and other diseases that can be aquired by sexual contact. In our affair, I knew I was safe since I only had been with my exhusband who was only with me. However, my xMM had been with 10 other women in college and other women during our affair. He told his wife it was only me and that he used protection. One of his many threatening things he yelled at me right after d day was to never tell his wife we didn't use protection... for the four+ years that we were sexually active on a mostly daily basis, we never used protection. I know I need to get tested before I start a new relationship but does the spouse who decides to stay with his/her cheater think about possible diseases that may have been transferred? It completely grosses me out now that I am realizing how many women he had his d*ck in... Nasty!!! Why does it matter to you if his wife, or any other bs, gets tested for std's or not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Married cheater. That tells you everything you need to know. If he will lie to his wife, the woman he promised to spend his life with, it shouldn't come as any surprise that he also would lie to you. Every time that he lied to his wife about his whereabouts, his schedule, etc. during your affair? That was a 2x4 upside your head that he lacked integrity. Liars lie. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Sure, even though I used safe sex practices, my husband asked me to get tested come D Day and I did. It's a reasonable thing to request. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 It may be incredibly painful right now, so much so that you might wonder how you'll keep on going. You can and you will. Take time to grieve, eat nutritious food even if you don't feel hungry, try and rest, spend time with friends, treat yourself to a vacation or something else special. If you feel at the end of your rope, try venting your hurt and anger in a letter to him that you won't send. Make it as long as you need to, and add to it each day. It may even become a journal of sorts. read it through form time to time and you'll be surprised at how far you've come. It might be easier to hide from the hurt, but don't, as that will just prolong it. Face it head on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 I think of all the std and other diseases that can be aquired by sexual contact. In our affair, I knew I was safe since I only had been with my exhusband who was only with me. However, my xMM had been with 10 other women in college and other women during our affair. He told his wife it was only me and that he used protection. One of his many threatening things he yelled at me right after d day was to never tell his wife we didn't use protection... for the four+ years that we were sexually active on a mostly daily basis, we never used protection. I know I need to get tested before I start a new relationship but does the spouse who decides to stay with his/her cheater think about possible diseases that may have been transferred? It completely grosses me out now that I am realizing how many women he had his d*ck in... Nasty!!! Get tested now! Why on earth would you wait? You getting tested is not to protect someone else, its to protect yourself. I find it strange that it only grosses you out now that the affair is over... yet apparently not so much that you want to get tested immediately. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Get tested now! Why on earth would you wait? You getting tested is not to protect someone else, its to protect yourself. Exactly. Everyone Should Know About Asymptomatic STDs How Sexually Transmitted Infections Impact Fertility, Pregnancy & A Baby’s Health Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Yes get tested. If he wasn't using protection will you, it was doubtful that he was using it with anyone else.... And it's doubtful that these other women were being monogamous with him.... You get an idea of how these things snow ball. For me, a man that does not volunteer to use protection is a huge red flag - who knows how many people they have been barebacking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Joie Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 I think of all the std and other diseases that can be aquired by sexual contact. In our affair, I knew I was safe since I only had been with my exhusband who was only with me. However, my xMM had been with 10 other women in college and other women during our affair. He told his wife it was only me and that he used protection. One of his many threatening things he yelled at me right after d day was to never tell his wife we didn't use protection... for the four+ years that we were sexually active on a mostly daily basis, we never used protection. I know I need to get tested before I start a new relationship but does the spouse who decides to stay with his/her cheater think about possible diseases that may have been transferred? It completely grosses me out now that I am realizing how many women he had his d*ck in... Nasty!!! I got tested right away. I also made him get tested as a condition of trying to reconcile. I figured if I had to be humiliated and explain to our family doctor why after over a decade of marriage I needed to be tested for all STD's he could experience it also. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 I got tested and made him get tested and that was when he was promising me it was never physical. I wasn't about to trust my health on someone who lied to me for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 I can't believe you haven't been tested already. My WH got tested, I got tested (still do every year) and use condoms. I won't risk my health. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ahurtgirl Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 Celebrating one year of being affair free. Other than residual legal matters, I am content and happy. I still have no idea how I ever found myself in such a situation. I think sometimes it was for me to be able to guide my daughter in the future. I never knew a man could be so manipulating and use charm to get a woman to fall in love. If a man pursues her like crazy and won't give up, I can advise her to cut him off immediately. Real men don't pursue a woman. I want her to pursue a man and find one who won't charm her with lies about loving her and all those actions of sending flowers and taking her to special places and vacations... that is only a man trying to control her affection and attention. I will guide her to find a man who focuses on work not one who gives her attention. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Real men do pursue women... they just do it in a healthy and respectful way. You missed a lot of very important signs - like the fact that he was married and he was love bombing you with flowers, and rings, and promises... I am glad that you are happy with where you are in your life. Wish you the best. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ahurtgirl Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 Actually, no, real men don't pursue. Men who have a narcissist personality pursue. I have spoken to counselors, relationship experts, religious leaders, and many happily married couples. ALL of them have explained to me that men like my exMM pursue... not good moral minded men. Good men let women come to them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Real men do pursue women... they just do it in a healthy and respectful way. You missed a lot of very important signs - like the fact that he was married and he was love bombing you with flowers, and rings, and promises... I am glad that you are happy with where you are in your life. Wish you the best. I agree, men who pursue women do it in a respectful and loving/kind way, not manipulative, married and game playing. I understand your pain and hurt but don't put fear into your daughter and give her idea's that any man who gives her flowers and tries to pursue her is like your exMM. That's putting your own emotional baggage on her and that's not fair. Guide her to see red flags and to take her time to get to know a man, you don't want to give her fears and unnecessary hang ups. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ahurtgirl Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 Also, I thought maybe the second reason I ended up in this situation was to protect others from my exMM. I made it very public what he and I had done. Sacrificing my own reputation in hopes of him not hurting yet another woman. Sadly, I found out he is in another new affair (his wife has no clue) while he works on reconciliation with her. Maybe in time I will understand more as to why the affair happened. Hopefully in time I won't care why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ahurtgirl Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 I agree, men who pursue women do it in a respectful and loving/kind way, not manipulative, married and game playing. I understand your pain and hurt but don't put fear into your daughter and give her idea's that any man who gives her flowers and tries to pursue her is like your exMM. That's putting your own emotional baggage on her and that's not fair. Guide her to see red flags and to take her time to get to know a man, you don't want to give her fears and unnecessary hang ups. I'm very gentle with how I guide her and she knew and met him since he originally was going to marry me. It's not emotional baggage to give advise to a child based on the wisdom you've learned as an adult. Emotional baggage is something completely different. You might want to read on that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 I'm very gentle with how I guide her and she knew and met him since he originally was going to marry me. It's not emotional baggage to give advise to a child based on the wisdom you've learned as an adult. Emotional baggage is something completely different. You might want to read on that. Respectfully said here, by telling her that ALL MEN who pursue her will hurt her, betray her, use her or whatever (due to your past with your exMM) is in fact, putting your past hurts on her. Have you personally had bad experiences with single guys who pursue you? Asked you out, given you flowers? And there's a difference between pursuing and bombarding someone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ahurtgirl Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 Third reason as to maybe why the affair happened or at least in how badly everything blow up and how the twist of events through the lawsuit revealed he is now involved with someone he pursued through my Facebook... maybe it can turn into a book or Lifetime movie. Everyone that I tell my experience remarks about how it should be made into a movie! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ahurtgirl Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 Respectfully said here, by telling her that ALL MEN who pursue her will hurt her, betray her, use her or whatever (due to your past with your exMM) is in fact, putting your past hurts on her. Have you personally had bad experiences with single guys who pursue you? Asked you out, given you flowers? And there's a difference between pursuing and bombarding someone. Yes, single guys do the same. I've seen it. Guys only pursue and give attention and time to women for their own selfish motive. If your spouse has done a great job of pursing you and showering you with attention and affection, it's only because he thinks by doing so, it makes you happy which in return gives him what he wants (a happy wife = a happy life). He knows if he doesn't give you the attention or affection you want, he won't get sex or a good meal or your appreciation. These type of men know how to use the system. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Yes, single guys do the same. I've seen it. Guys only pursue and give attention and time to women for their own selfish motive. If your spouse has done a great job of pursing you and showering you with attention and affection, it's only because he thinks by doing so, it makes you happy which in return gives him what he wants (a happy wife = a happy life). He knows if he doesn't give you the attention or affection you want, he won't get sex or a good meal or your appreciation. These type of men know how to use the system. Could it be the type of man you've attracted? IN my past experiences it's not been like you've described. Right now you're still reeling from everything, I'm sure in a year or two your views might change slightly and not be so abrasive. I do agree there are some men out there who are like this, but not all. Painting a brush and making them ALL the same is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ahurtgirl Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 Let's see... no, it's not me and who I attract. My exhusband who I was married to for over 20 years was NOT that type of man. He never pursued. He was very kind and caring. We are still best friends. He is an example to all men of how to treat and respect a woman. If he wasn't gay, we would still be married. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Actually, no, real men don't pursue. Men who have a narcissist personality pursue. I have spoken to counselors, relationship experts, religious leaders, and many happily married couples. ALL of them have explained to me that men like my exMM pursue... not good moral minded men. Good men let women come to them. I am so happy about this post. Thank you! I love you. My exMM came on to me HARD. I've never had anything like that happen to me before. In comparison, the only man who has ever loved me didn't pursue me. I chose him. I'm old fashioned so I like the man to pursue and my H is very old fashioned guy in every respect. He love bombs me now and puts me on pedestal. However, he never did those things in the beginning. It took time. It feels like my H loves me more now than in the beginning. My limerence happened fast and was so intense and painful. I had no idea what it was because I had never experienced it before. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts