Getting Thrown Under The Bus As The OW

[cocorico]

I agree that women in general make it so easy for men to be manipulative, self serving and disrespectful to women.

 

Throw a few "I love yous" at a woman and she is putty in his hands.

Naivety rules.

Every day on this forum, women in dreadful relationships with frankly awful men (married or unmarried) exhibiting horrendous behaviours and doling out obvious manipulative nonsense, are absolving him of any blame, as he says he loves her...

 

NO rational thinking whatsoever.

If it was another women treating her this way she would be up in arms, but because she is "programmed" to accept such garbage from men she puts up with it.

A woman "in love" is supposed to put up with just about anything and even be grateful...

Many men especially married men in affairs, know that very well and take full advantage.

 

Is it then any wonder that his "I love yous" turn to dust on D-day?

 

Seriously? I've no idea where you live, but I don't know any women like this, or any men. Luckily.

[anika99]

Seriously? I've no idea where you live, but I don't know any women like this, or any men. Luckily.

 

We see it everyday on these forums. There is a thread on another board by a young woman who is engaged to an abusive cheating man. He has put her through years of pain but she doesn't want to leave him because she loves him and has seen the good in him.

 

Everyday we see both OW and BS believing every absurd thing their WS/MM tells them and are standing by these unworthy men. How can you read these boards and deny that this happens?

[anassa]

Most MM / MW are not con artists, nor predators. Most OW / OM are not victims - unless they choose to become such, or to deny their own agency so as to rationalise their behaviour to be consistent with their morality.

 

It is possible for both MM to prey on weak women as well as OW to admit responsiblity for putting themselves in a situation of suffering (and to take agency by leaving). These aren't mutually exclusive in my mind.

 

Women do tend to let emotions rule and fight for what they think is love. Whereas men rarely leave (statistical fact) because they place a higher emphasis on living peacefully, social and financial stability. I know that's a generalization but it's often true.

[BaileyB]

 

Women do tend to let emotions rule and fight for what they think is love. Whereas men rarely leave (statistical fact) because they place a higher emphasis on living peacefully, social and financial stability. I know that's a generalization but it's often true.

 

Bingo!

 

And yes, read these boards for a few days and you will see a pattern... Men who tell their OW anything they want to hear, offer great sex (and sometimes not even great sex), with a promise that "one day we will be together." These women have an amazing ability to block out the fact that there is a wife at home who has devoted her life to this man and their children (often because he tells them that the sex is bad and they are little more than roommates). Women who are sometimes willing to give up their reputation, their self-respect, and even sometimes their families because they believe their MM.

 

Then, when the relationship ends they are heartbroken because they often see themselves as "the victim" in this situation - the one who has been lied too rather than the perpetrator who has been doing the lying, cheating, and sneaking around... on the MM wife and sometimes even their own husband. I'm sure, wonderful women who but for a little bit of attention and a few "I love you's" lose all rational thought and fall right into his arms... and usually his bed.

Edited July 9, 2017 by BaileyB

[AlwaysGrowing]

Bingo!

 

And yes, read these boards for a few days and you will see a pattern... Men who tell their OW anything they want to hear, offer great sex (and sometimes not even great sex), with a promise that "one day we will be together." These women have an amazing ability to block out the fact that there is a wife at home who has devoted her life to this man and their children (often because he tells them that the sex is bad and they are little more than roommates). Women who are sometimes willing to give up their reputation, their self-respect, and even sometimes their families because they believe their MM.

 

Then, when the relationship ends they are heartbroken because they often see themselves as "the victim" in this situation - the one who has been lied too rather than the perpetrator who has been doing the lying, cheating, and sneaking around... on the MM wife and sometimes even their own husband. I'm sure, wonderful women who

 

but for a little bit of attention and a few "I love you's" lose all rational thought and fall right into his arms... and usually his bed.

 

And why cant that go both ways?

 

Why are men almost automatically labeled "predators"?

Are men never vulnerable? Can men never fall "victim" to women who slowly cross emotional boundaries? Dont OW tell MM what they want to hear?

 

The "slippery slope" pertains to both parties. Affairs do not happen when only one party is crossing boundaries, that would be called stalking.

 

I do think that women are much more likely to blameshift their choices. That is the main reason why women (WW) are less successful at R than men (WH). Men accept responsibility more readily. Women (WW) spend way too much mental energy making their affair "ok" in their minds...by claiming victimhood through the BH or the AP. Or by painting the affair as destiny beyond their control.

 

OW seem to use the same thought processes. Blameshifting, using all their mental energy to make "sense" of the affair (palatable)...everything but accepting their responsibility. The one thing that aides the most in recovery, taking ownership seems to be difficult for a lot of women.

 

Women are different than men, however, it doesnt automatically make us in the right and them in the wrong.

[BaileyB]

It goes both ways. It just seems that women are more likely to be on this site claiming to have been "hurt" by married men. But, it definitely goes both ways.

[Poppy47]

What are you, 25? You sound very naive when it comes to... well, anything I don't know a single man who behaves the way you are describing

Sounds like a very bad TV series script. I don't know a single man like that either.

xMM was nothing like that at all. My son in law isn't and neither is my grandson or my male friends.

 

I wonder where the poster obtains her knowledge.

 

Poppy.

[Ahurtgirl]

I ran into something while reading on affairs. As I read it, it finally made sense to me why I gave into and fell in love with my exMM. He was a phychopath. He literally had ever red flag they listed on "phychopaths and love". Itnow makes sense why I couldn't break free from him and why I am having such a hard time recovering. Finally... a light bulb has turned on. Man do I feel sorry for his wife. He has manipulated her also.

Excited to have found something that finally makes sense.!!!!

 

Anyone else find that their exMM was a phychopath?

[Scoutjr]

Where did you read this?

[QuestioningSoul]

Anyone can have any personality trait on the planet, but when you possess iron clad and healthy boundaries, no one, even a psychopath, will get through them.

[GeekLover]

It's a weight off the shoulders, isn't it? For the past 8 months I've been going over and over everything in my mind...trying to make sense of why my ex OM would leave me the moment he got finally got what he had been fighting for for years...for me to say that my H and I are splitting.

 

It made NO sense to me...but it finally does.

 

During my therapy session on Monday, I shed some tears...something I haven't done in quite some time now. The whole session ended up being about him. As I explained more about some of the events that took place, the things he would say to me, his actions...my therapist said the words I needed to hear:

 

"Those are traits of a narcissist."

 

The more I said, the more she validated it..."...that's the idealization", "...that was him devaluing you", "...that was the discard", "...that's what a narcissist says", ..."that's what a narcissist does".

 

 

She explained how he may not be full blown NPD, but the lists and examples out there DEFINITELY explain a lot of what happened in our relationship and how it ended:

 

I went off on him one night in a fit of anger and said things I didn't mean at the time, including that he was a narcissist.

 

I'm now wondering if I hit too close to home?

 

There's a reason why I didn't jump out of my marriage for him quickly. That little voice in my head MUST have been telling me something.

 

It's amazing how much pressure has been lifted from my shoulders this week. I finally feel like I'm on the right road toward complete closure now, which he denied me of because he refused to meet me or talk. He literally discarded and walked away. There's nothing left for me to hang on to anymore because even questioning the good times and motive behind all the things he did for me.

 

Good luck with your journey for peace.

[JuneL]

According to some figures out there, 4% of the population are sociopaths and another 1% psychopaths. They are everywhere, not limited to those getting into affairs.

[JuneL]

Does it really matter whether your affair partner is a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath? The fact is, you are the accomplice in the affair.

[GeekLover]

Anyone can have any personality trait on the planet, but when you possess iron clad and healthy boundaries, no one, even a psychopath, will get through them.

 

Excellent point. Totally true. That's why now the OP (and myself) should be focusing on herself so this will never happen again.

[BaileyB]

I ran into something while reading on affairs. As I read it, it finally made sense to me why I gave into and fell in love with my exMM. He was a phychopath. He literally had ever red flag they listed on "phychopaths and love". Itnow makes sense why I couldn't break free from him and why I am having such a hard time recovering. Finally... a light bulb has turned on. Man do I feel sorry for his wife. He has manipulated her also.

Excited to have found something that finally makes sense.!!!!

 

Anyone else find that their exMM was a phychopath?

 

To be clear, you share absolutely no responsibility in making the decision to fall into bed and have a relationship with a married man? You definitely didn't see the parade of red flags and recognize this man as a "psychopath" before you let him buy you a diamond ring?

 

Seriously, where do you get this stuff? Because, it makes absolutely no sense at all...

 

You chose to have an affair with a married man, and you got burned. You made a very bad decision and trusted the wrong person. And now, you are still hung up on him because you refuse to accept the truth of the situation or accept any personal responsibility in the whole affair. End of story.

Edited July 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[GeekLover]

Does it really matter whether your affair partner is a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath? The fact is, you are the accomplice in the affair.

 

I think it does. Not to place all the blame on someone else and take no ownership, but to help better yourself.

 

There are reasons why some people are unable to see the red flags that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths wave. Some people see them and know to avoid them-emotionally healthy people. Others miss them. I am one of those people. The OP is one of those people. Many people on these boards are those people.

 

I think it helps put things more in perspective for those involved in relationships such as these and provides a starting point for acknowledging what needs to be changed/fixed in someone's life so they can become one of those emotionally healthy people.

[GeekLover]

Does it really matter whether your affair partner is a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath? The fact is, you are the accomplice in the affair.

 

Absolutely. This too. The OP now needs to figure out WHY she wound up in this situation in the first place.

[GeekLover]

To be clear, you share absolutely no responsibility in making the decision to fall into bed and have a relationship with a married man? You definitely didn't see the parade of red flags and recognize this man as a "psychopath" before you let him buy you a diamond ring?

 

Seriously, where do you get this stuff? Because, it makes absolutely no sense at all...

 

You chose to have an affair with a married man, and you got burned. You made a very bad decision and trusted the wrong person. And now, you are still hung up on him because you refuse to accept the truth of the situation or accept any personal responsibility in the whole affair. End of story.

 

This is a great place to start. OP, why do you think you missed the flags? What needs to change in you so you see them next time?

[ClassyTaste]

Anyone can have any personality trait on the planet, but when you possess iron clad and healthy boundaries, no one, even a psychopath, will get through them.

 

Although this would be ideal. People with these problems can put on false fronts in the beginning. An experienced person can no longer be fooled. These people can mess up people with secure attachment too. I am trying to determine if the MM that has been in my life is a sociopath or if he is emotionally avoidant.

 

I then get mad at myself for wasting my time looking up materials on such a person.

 

The MM once awhile ago questioned if he was a sociopath. I thought he was kidding and we did not elaborate further.

[SammySammy]

There could be some interesting studies here.

 

What do psychologists call a person who blame-shifts and refuses to accept responsibility? Is there a correlation between them and cheating? Do sociopaths or psychopaths tend to be drawn to those people?

 

Interesting questions. Maybe we can find a pattern.

[ClassyTaste]

Another interesting fact I found while looking up this material: 98% of people with secure attachment and healthy coupling usually join together and stay together. This leaves them out of the dating pool past the 20s and early 30s. (The article was based on men) The majority of men who end up in the dating pool later on had problems that could not withstand a marriage or some never could attach and marry.

 

Healthy, securely attached men do not have illicit affairs. There may be some who have extraordinary circumstances as a really crazy wife or some other problems, but then they are the exit affairs.

 

So the significance of this is pretty alarming to single women. You have a pool of dysfunctional men.

 

A woman may falter between being securely attached and anxiously attached determined by circumstances at the time. Women who may be newly divorced or overcoming some obstacles can trip up believing the false front laid out before them.

[ClassyTaste]

There could be some interesting studies here.

 

What do psychologists call a person who blame-shifts and refuses to accept responsibility? Is there a correlation between them and cheating? Do sociopaths or psychopaths tend to be drawn to those people?

 

Interesting questions. Maybe we can find a pattern.

 

Then that draw would also apply to their spouses they chose as well. I believe trying to figure out what mistakes were made to avoid them in the future is being pro active and has nothing to do with blame shifting.

[Ahurtgirl]

You ask why I ended up in this situation... I felt all people were honest about how they felt. I never knew that prince charming was only charming because he wanted blow jobs and all the other BS he asked from me. I did all of it because I absolutely loved him. I didn't understand that psychopathic personality traits he had. He prettY much started the whole affair making me believe he was leaving his wife and I was the one he had been looking for. I never pursued him. He pursued me like crazy from the start. The first year I kept telling him that I wasn't ready to marry him, and he would pursue even harder. Looking back, I think if I had known this personality exists, I wouldn't have given him even a moment of my time. Given the situation and the person I am, having only dated one guy and married him, who is gay, I would guess I am not the only one who had the potential to fall into this guys web of lies. I also would guess that the wives on here who have husbands who have cheated on them and get angry at the process I am going through, also are being charmed by a phychopathic husband. I'm sure they hear a million lies from him so he can save face, on how his OW was crazy, that she pursued him, that he was a victim, that his wife is the love of his life, and I'm sure he is charming her with "putting in the work to save his marriage" to save his image, telling her how the OW meant nothing, just like he told the OW that his wife meant nothing... if you could have heard all the horrible things my exMM said about his wife and how the minute she found out, he immediately turned it around on me saying I was being vindictive and manipulative... you'd realize that at least in my situation, HE had issues.

I'm so thankful now, after reading about "psychopaths and love" that his wife kept him!!! Let her deal with her prince charming whose only reason for being charming is for his own selfish reasons. I had never heard so many I love yous in my life... he said it multiple times everyday for over four years, and the numerous calls every single daY the entire time, him saying how beautiful I was, etc., and helping my daughter, taking his kids and my daughter on outings, giving me gifts, even the arguments we had... now I realize it was all a part of him being a psychopath. Thank you God for saving me from what I thought I wanted!!!

Edited July 22, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[Ahurtgirl]

Does it really matter whether your affair partner is a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath? The fact is, you are the accomplice in the affair.

 

Yes, it actual does matter. If you read on 'emotional rape', 'psychopath love' and how men 'groom' women so that they will give them what they want, you'd understand how affairs really can be the responsibility of the man. I know who I am and this wasn't in my nature to do. If you are ignorant to believe that all affairs are by men and women who have low moral, low self esteem, are broken, etc., you are sadly mistaken. A psychopath has the ability to mess with your mind, make you believe all his lies, fall for his charm, brainwash you into doing things you would never normally do, etc.

It's so good to finally have an answer to how I ever got into an affair type situation.

[BaileyB]

He pretty much started the whole affair making me believe he was leaving his wife and I was the one he had been looking for. I never pursued him.

 

Looking back, I think if I had known this personality exists, I wouldn't have given him even a moment of my time.

 

It has nothing to do with his personality, and everything to do with you. This is exactly the moment that an emotionally healthy person would have seen a BIG RED FLAG and ended the relationship - before it even began. "He started the whole affair by telling me he was leaving his wife." He was NEVER available to you...

 

Further to your question last week last week: "When I start to date again, how to I recognize the unavailable men - the gay men and men who are married and not going to leave their wives."

 

If you understand one thing from this affair, learn this - married men are not available to you. Because you knew he was married, you should not have given him another moment of your time. Full stop.

 

This thought that he is a psychopath is just another way that you can shift the blame to this man for the fact that you got taken in and made some very bad choices. Stop obsessing about this despicable man, don't worry about his wife (she will take care of herself), and look inside you try to figure out why your thinking is so distorted about the whole affair...