Guys perception of women and their weight

[Els]

This begins and ends with you.

 

Although I will agree that men's tastes in what they find attractive in a woman varies greatly, I feel like your lack of confidence is the real problem here. Nothing is going to work until you fix how you see yourself.

 

Insecurity of any kind but especially body insecurity is a HUGE turn off to many men. Confidence is key.

 

We all have insecurities about the way we look. No one is perfect after all. You don't have to love every inch of yourself necessarily but you have to love yourself enough to know you're so much more than just your rolls and thick thighs and squishy belly.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree. Tbh, I think the reason the OP's guy disappeared likely had nothing to do with her at all - it's likely he was looking for casual sex to begin with. But I do think that the OP's insecurity attracts men like him who perceive such women as "easily manipulated", and turns off decent men who would be more likely to want an actual relationship.

 

After all, nobody wants to be in a relationship where their partner can't even let them see them naked without massive insecurity. I wouldn't want a partner like that. It would get exhausting really quickly.

[thefooloftheyear]

After all, nobody wants to be in a relationship where their partner can't even let them see them naked without massive insecurity. I wouldn't want a partner like that. It would get exhausting really quickly.

 

This is the long and short of it....And its not the guys fault, it's her hangup...

 

But I kinda disagree with the fact that he ghosted for other reasons...The reality is that you/me just don't know..It's easily possible that it IS the reason, because no guy except the most vicious is going to actually tell a woman that she is too fat/whatever..So they'll fabricate a BS excuse..I suppose it's fair to criticize the guy for slumming.....It's not a nice thing to do...

 

But if you stop and think about it, you won't find many attractive and/or well built guys pairing up with overweight or unkempt women...If you do, it's more than likely to be a case where the woman looked good when they met, then "settled" into her comfort zone..

 

TFY

Edited July 4, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[Shanex]

Interesting discussion and one that come and goes here. I liked imajerk, enigma and TFY posts specifically.

 

Hey, size 8 isn't awful and you most likely look normal with just some extra pounds. Enough to keep the hands of an honest man occupied as my grandpa would have said.

 

You see, we guys don't really friend zone women but we may FWB them instead, cruel but on the money comment. Some guys jokingly claim that 'any hole is a goal' etc.

 

As other people have stated, you are not morbidly obese and probably not unattractive this has more to do with your mind, your memories of your bigger body that's messing with you hence the insecurity.

[major_merrick]

So much of this weight issue is an issue of perception. We have thin girls who think they are too fat, men who want someone who is average, and we also have the "BBW" types who think they are God's gift to the world. We also have women's clothing companies who produce sizes that are awful to understand. So where is the sanity in this?

 

For a true evaluation of a person's weight, I would go by the numbers. What do the numbers indicate is a healthy weight for a person who is X feet Y inches tall? What is normal for that person's age? What kind of bone structure does that person have?

 

In my own life, I worked with this weight issue in the last year. My GF's said I looked great. I felt a bit squishy and uncomfortable. So I changed my diet a bit by getting rid of sugar, and lost about 25 lbs. By the numbers, my BMI/build indicates that I'm healthy. No, I don't have the toned mid-section that I wish I did, but it isn't worth it to me to do a bunch of work to get there.

 

OP, dress sizes don't mean much. And there is a man/woman for almost every woman out there within about 100 lbs of normal. So ask yourself this: What do the numbers say about you? If you are in or close to the normal range, then make a couple of minor changes, learn to be content, and then look for someone to date that has a decent personality..... because ghosting is a sure sign of a j@ck@$$ whether you weigh 100lbs or 400lbs.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

The average American woman is a size 14-16. At a size 8 you're quite small unless you're 4" tall. Many women try all their life to achieve a size 8.

 

I think the issue here is that you need to love yourself in all of your beauty!

[knabe]

The average American woman is a size 14-16. At a size 8 you're quite small unless you're 4" tall. Many women try all their life to achieve a size 8.

 

I think the issue here is that you need to love yourself in all of your beauty!

 

I was about to say the same. If someone finds a size 8 fat, it's his perspective that's off, not her size.

 

I used to be rail thin. Now I'm not. I occasionally flirt with the "womans" sizes in the department store but never actually cross the bridge (lol).

 

My fiance thinks I'm "sexy as hell" - his words - the man works out and looks like an adonis (to me, anyway).

 

Men are not a hive mind, just like women aren't. Now, I am active, energetic, and I know how to make the most of myself. But mostly I just like myself. Keep the lights on. I'm confortable in my own skin, even if I do have more skin than Kate Moss!

 

Try to shake this ghoster off. Look at yourself in a new and kinder light.

Edited July 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JuneL]

At the same time, you could have a girl who's natural build calls for a size 2 in clothes, and when she gains weight up to a size 8, suddenly, she is very flabby. Everyone is different.

 

This is actually true for many Asian women. In fact, the BMI cutoffs for people of Asian ethnic background are lower.

[jay1983]

Size 8 isn't too big, but tone and shape may tell another story.

[grays]

Your size and weight is only a problem in dating if you allow it to be. You aren't a huge girl, so you're ok there, but if you meet an absolutely tremendous looking guy such as the one you described, just know that he can likely get tremendous looking women.

 

She may very well be his idea of tremendously good looking. Not all guys think you gotta be skinny or super toned to be hot.

 

When I first started dating after my divorce i weighed 126 pounds and very toned, which was my depressed over breaking up weight. Since Ive gotten happier my weight has jumped up to 155. Ive felt really scared that men would be less attracted to me but it is much the opposite. And for some reason i tend to end up with guys who're really into weight lifting and working out in general and have awesome bodies. Some of them have specifically told me they arent into women who look like they spend all their time working out.

 

And as a woman who could be spending time w those guys... I prefer a guy with a little extra pudge. I like them kinda thick, with a soft belly/love handles. I truly dont dig a six pack or two percent body fat. I do love big muscle-y arms and shoulders and strong legs, but even that is just icing on the cake if hes a good guy. I am sure there are lots of guys with equivelent feelings. Not everyone is looking for a model. As they say, "models are made for modelling. Thick girls are made for cuddling."

[thefooloftheyear]

........................

Edited July 7, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[knabe]

A size 8 may not indicate thinness....but to use the word "fat," for a size 8 (unless she is 4'10" or something) is a bit much.

 

At any rate, the OP says she is a size 8, so no normal man is going to describe her as obese.

 

P.S. BMI is NOT an accurate way to determine obesity when used in isolation. No, it's not.

[stillafool]

Size 8 isn't too big, but tone and shape may tell another story.

 

Also height.

[SevenCity]

The average American woman is a size 14-16. At a size 8 you're quite small unless you're 4" tall. Many women try all their life to achieve a size 8.

 

I think the issue here is that you need to love yourself in all of your beauty!

 

Average size does not mean normal. It means that most of this country is overweight (guys and girls alike).

 

The girl I'm dating now is Asian (which is my preference likely due to their smaller size). She has such a hard time finding clothes that fit because everything is huge. She was amazed at how big Americans are compared to her country.

 

I've also noticed people getting larger and larger as the years go by. I had dinner at a friends and ate a slice of pizza. Their 10 year old niece had 2, and had no desire to soak up the grease on top with a paper towel before eating it. I couldn't believe a 10 year old could eat that much (she is very overweight).

 

Whereas I am attracted to a size 0 or 00, there are a lot of men who are attracted to larger size women. But as stated above, most guys will have sex with a larger girl - even if they are not really attracted to her. I've done it before as well.

 

Many guys have no issues having sex with a girl with also having no intentions of developing a relationship. OLD allows women to get together with guys who are "out of their league" and it gives the impression that they are more desired than they are. In reality, guys are often happy just to have sex and likely would not approach her in real life.

[SevenCity]

I could have quoted many posts, but this is the most obvious. Such a negative attitude to have.

 

The problem is that I find this fairly common in Western Women. The attitude of "I'm the prize, and any guy is lucky to have sex”. There was even a thread that I remember a few weeks back where a woman asked a simple question: “how can I be a better girlfriend?”. The response? “Don't. Just be yourself”.

 

As someone that comes from a very niche culture myself, and has went out with a diverse group of women (Eastern European, Latina, Western, etc), I find this to be a great weakness particular of many English girls. It's why they get easily outperformed.

 

Sure, if you want to believe that you can have flab, be “can't cook/won't cook”, or basically not improve your value in any way, and that guys should just be lucky to be in your presence, that's one way you can go through life. But what kind of guy are you filtering for with such a crap attitude?

 

Men get told how they can improve, women get told they don't need to. It's bizarre.

 

It's quite simple: my advice would be to eat less ice cream. Live a healthier lifestyle. And it will be much easier to attract better looking guys for ltr's. As someone else mentioned, It's a different thing to attract a good-looking guy with options for short term and long term. If you have an obvious insecurity, just get it sorted if possible.

 

Two types of people, those looking to improve – and those looking for excuses not to. Best not to fall into the mindset of the latter.

 

If you can imagine, this attitude has gotten worse as I've grown up. I went out a few times with one (white) girl and she said "I'll never cook for you". I said "I'll never make you my girlfriend" lol.

 

I don't blame the women for it - guys allow them to get away with it. It ruins dating for the rest of us who won't put up with it.

 

I think this attitude is why I tend not to date many white women and am often drawn to women of other cultures / backgrounds.

[major_merrick]

If you can imagine, this attitude has gotten worse as I've grown up. I went out a few times with one (white) girl and she said "I'll never cook for you". I said "I'll never make you my girlfriend" lol.

 

I don't blame the women for it - guys allow them to get away with it. It ruins dating for the rest of us who won't put up with it.

 

I think this attitude is why I tend not to date many white women and am often drawn to women of other cultures / backgrounds.

 

I agree. I think this is partly why both my good friend/ex and I have gone for girls who are somewhat outside of the traditional American WASP sphere. There's just something about the prevalent attitude these days that is off-putting. Women pick on men, and men pick on women. Hell, even lesbians are often at each other's throats these days. The bottom line, the way I see it, is this: There are no excuses. And that goes for men and women and whoever else is inbetween. There are no excuses for ills such as obesity, for slovenly living, or for refusing to work when you are able. No excuses for unreasonable expectations either.

 

I believe that relationships are exchanges. Each person brings both good and bad to the table, with the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Someone has to have a career, someone has to help at home. There has to be sexual chemistry, emotional bonding, and commitment. For one partner or another to "provide it all" while the other partner isn't expected to put forth effort is simply ridiculous.

[CptInsano]

I agree. I think this is partly why both my good friend/ex and I have gone for girls who are somewhat outside of the traditional American WASP sphere. There's just something about the prevalent attitude these days that is off-putting. [...]

 

Strange, I can't detect any of this here in the Midwest. Most women are as friendly as they always were. Granted, they did gain in size on average, but if that gain is in the right places I don't mind.

[JuneL]

Size 8 isn't too big, but tone and shape may tell another story.

 

I think each person has a different standard. My height is slightly above average in the US standard, and my natural size is 2 (was 0 when I was younger); whenever I have to go up to size 4, it's a warning sign for me to get fitter. I can definitely call myself "fat" if I ever have to go up to size 8.

[basil67]

I think each person has a different standard. My height is slightly above average in the US standard, and my natural size is 2 (was 0 when I was younger); whenever I have to go up to size 4, it's a warning sign for me to get fitter. I can definitely call myself "fat" if I ever have to go up to size 8.

 

Yes, you could call yourself "fat" at a size 8. I would suggest you never say it out loud. Calling yourself fat in front of a person who is your size or heavier would be really offensive.

 

If a size 8 friend called herself fat in front of me, I'd have to challenge her to what she thinks of my size 10-12. And no, there could be no good outcome to this conversation. Of course, if she said "I don't fit my clothes and have to get exercising again" it would not be offensive.

Edited July 17, 2017 by basil67

[JuneL]

Yes, you could call yourself "fat" at a size 8. I would suggest you never say it out loud. Calling yourself fat in front of a person who is your size or heavier would be really offensive.

 

If a size 8 friend called herself fat in front of me, I'd have to challenge her to what she thinks of my size 10-12. And no, there could be no good outcome to this conversation. Of course, if she said "I don't fit my clothes and have to get exercising again" it would not be offensive.

 

My apologies. I was trying to point out that different people have different "frames": someone with a size 8 doesn't necessarily look fitter than another person with a size 10-12.

[basil67]

Ah yes, good point about frames. Sorry I snapped.

[SolG]

My apologies. I was trying to point out that different people have different "frames": someone with a size 8 doesn't necessarily look fitter than another person with a size 10-12.

 

Ah yes, good point about frames. Sorry I snapped.

 

Hey basil just checking that you're tracking the sizing difference here. US 10 -12 is our AU 6 - 8. I'm not sure why it's a good thing over there for a grown woman to be size 0 - something we associate with infants.

 

It's almost a badge of honour in some quarters to be sub-zero. I'm so hot I'm negative!

 

But back to the OP... the impact of feeling bad about your physical self takes a toll on your sensuality. There is many a man out there (not all mind... but that's the nature of attraction) that will value a woman that loves her body flaws and all and revels in being a beautiful, sensual, confident albeit physically 'imperfect' woman. You don't have to be a super model to value your innate attractiveness. Those meant for you will respond.

[stillafool]

My apologies. I was trying to point out that different people have different "frames": someone with a size 8 doesn't necessarily look fitter than another person with a size 10-12.

 

Height also plays a part in the sizes that one wears also.

[salparadise]

I think in terms of, could I grab her by the ankle and slide her across the bed? Could I flip her over without incurring a back injury? If I'm not sure... not good. If it crosses my mind that she might weigh almost as much as me, not very appealing. I don't need skinny, proportionate is fine.

 

I've been unpleasantly surprised a few times lately when meeting women the first time from online. They seem to have become quite skilled at obfuscating the reality.

[dichotomy]

I think in terms of, could I grab her by the ankle and slide her across the bed? Could I flip her over without incurring a back injury?.

 

Right

 

Military presses are also a good check. Probably a little less than one rep max.

 

 

As are Turkish get ups.

 

 

 

With these in mind probably about 140-180lb for me.

 

 

But of course we could talk about deadlifts or squats - or even a fireman carry to the bedroom - then the sky is the limit - mmmmmm.

Edited July 18, 2017 by dichotomy

[major_merrick]

Right

 

Military presses are also a good check. Probably a little less than one rep max.

 

 

As are Turkish get ups.

 

 

 

With these in mind probably about 140-180lb for me.

 

 

But of course we could talk about deadlifts or squats - or even a fireman carry to the bedroom - then the sky is the limit - mmmmmm.

 

ROTFL at the "fireman carry." I like to be able to scoop up a girlfriend and carry her off. For me, that means under 150 lbs. My GFs are the perfect "portable" size... just right for cuddling up in my lap.

 

I guess we could say that the real definition is that "form follows function."