He said he would call - but didn´t ... now what?!

[Redhead14]

Ugh . . . . . . . . .

[Versacehottie]

oh my gosh, you are putting soooooo many assumptions and pressure on things. Yes you do need some help--these are not normal thoughts (to feel hopeless and project so much from one event onto your whole life or what the other person means). What I am taking away from your posts on this thread is that you think having a guy will solve "you" which is why you want a dating psychologist. You would do much better and consequently be more successful with people (guys included) if you solve "you" first and then deal with guys. I'm not saying it has to go on forever or be a major thing but girl you are having major self-esteem issues & the hopeless thing scares me.--that stuff just needs a regular psychologist and all of you will benefit.

 

I don't think you should have reached out as you know but since you did, now why aren't you owning this & moving forward with him saying to call. It's not normal. So melodramatic. Sorry. This is a turn off to most people, especially guys who don't already have strong feelings for you and are just getting to know you. I actually don't think you are in the right head space to be in a relationship. Still sending you good thoughts to make it through this period in your life.

[coolheadal]

Last tuesday i went on a date and he said it was the first perfect date (we went in a green park, ate at restaurant, drank wine and hooked up all total of 6 hours socializing between 5PM to 11PM) and he baught me a cab home and said he would call me on monday after his trip to spain where he would attend his friend´s wedding.. its now thursday and he havent called!

 

i tried to call him once yesterday evening to no responce. His ex would be on the same trip (they went on their friends wedding) so im suspecting he is trying to get back together with her... cause after we slept together he told me she will be there but that he will try to avoid her and she broke up with him from nowhere in march after 3-years relationship.. it indicates to me he isnt over her and i made a huge mistake sleeping with him so soon. he said he already had rebounds and that it was something else with me but i dont know...

 

ive been crying all evening more or less (my eyes burns like fireballs) cause im so tired of guys "promising" me things but they only want to sleep with me it seems nothing more :'(

 

i want to talk to him to find out the resons behind him changing his heart.. as a closure. but im not sure if he will give me it since he´s been so quiet and didnt call back or anything yet...

 

It hurts so much and i really regret sleeping with him. Now in total 10 guys in my soon 30-year old life and i feel disgusting thinking about it.. even if most were with condom.. and almost realtionships but ive never gotten a boyfriend, seems im not good enough for anyone as a girlfriend despite being beautiful, intelligent, sexy, smart, caring etc...

 

It makes me so down i just want to go die if it was possible... but instead im here crying and getting a heartache and headache..

 

Im thinking about calling this guy one more time later today and if he doesnt pick upp phone write "Hi its me... Call back? I´d like to talk to you shortly, 243893507" ?

 

I liked him and thought it would be great for us to continue dating but apperantly he didnt felt the same despite his positive words that seemed like he wanted to meet me again but i was wrong.

 

please help with some wise words and suggestions, thank you.

 

My child you have to know there are players out there, he one of them. Not going to return your calls. He's move on to the next woman. Try not to take this hard but again this happens. If he really wanted to be with you he would have called you already. He's not picking up the phone so you know that he's not interested in you. I don't want to sound cold but I am telling you that's what he's doing..

 

Try to get yourself back on the same level and move on and date someone who wants you as for you the person you are in/out.. You don't want a shallow man that's what he was..

[d0nnivain]

Leave him be. None of this is about him.

 

 

What the heck is an "almost EX"? If you are not broken up, you have no business dating this new guy lest alone being annoyed that he is not chasing you.

 

 

If the "almost EX" is merely somebody you were infatuated with who didn't return your interest you really need therapy to figure out why you get so attached so fast. You need to learn to slow down. A good relationship takes time. You don't get the feelings you are looking for (a deep commitment) after a few hours; that type takes months & years to build.

[Lorenza]

Girl, you're all drama. Seems like you're so stuck in your quest of seeking validation that you no longer care who gives it and in what ways. You turn each and every encounter into a love story and then live through your little tragedies when reality hits you.

 

If you were in a right mindset, you'd see that nothing tragic is happening - in dating, things often fall through. There is no need to attach yourself to each and every man you find interesting and spend time talking to. You blow things way out of proportion (I read your other threads).

 

You keep on repeating that you'll never find a boyfriend for life - well, with this attitude you certainly won't, I can agree with you there. Only when you're able to be on your own and not feel like you're miserable without a man to validate you, call you, text you etc - only then you'll be in a right mind to get into a relationship.

 

And another advice - don't sleep with men too early. You're not the kind of girl who can have recreational sex and then carry on like nothing happened. Anxious types should wait with sex.

[dumbass2]

I don't think you should be dating for a while. You're still very young. Take a few months off away from men and dating and try to be happy without a relationship for a bit. Just give it a break. Do you have a friend you can talk with and do stuff with?

[kendahke]

Not yet.. i feel sad about my "almost ex" having a new grilfriend and like this new relationship is staring bad with intercorse first date and him not calling the day he said he would and only now answering when im "chasing" otherwise it feels like he perhaps wouldnt even bother contacting me again not even through the app... and it's a downer.. makes me not so keen to give him my number etc..

 

Nothing has changed.

 

He still wants to have sex with other women when you're not around.

[Redhead14]

SadGirl, you need to stop dating and seeking a relationship for a long time. You are doing nothing but sabotaging yourself. Step back and get focused on just YOU for a while.

 

Every time you, in your perception, fail at a dating scenario, you are compounding the hurt and digging an emotional hole for yourself that you may never be able to pull yourself out of. Take a break. You need it.

[basil67]

I've been trying to seek help but where im from there is no.dating psychiatrists. And regular ones just try to see if I got some diagnosis such as borderline or ADD...

 

I feel hopeless

 

There is no such thing as a "dating psychiatrist" anywhere. What you do is see a regular psychiatrist, get a diagnosis and start treatment. When you've done that, you will have a better handle on your dating life...and the rest of your life.

 

While you remain resistant to seeing a psychiatrist, you will remain in this bad place. A good future is there waiting for you - but you've got to be ready to do the work to get there.

[spiderowl]

If he has said he would call you and he does not, that is the time to forget about this guy. He slept with you so he should be keeping in touch if he cares. Don't waste your mental energy on him. Guys like him are ten-a-penny.

 

Instead of blaming yourself for sleeping with this guy, maybe you need to think about the character of the guys you are choosing to spend time with. If you take longer before sleeping with them, you have a chance to get to know them better, to find out what they are really like. Most people cannot keep up a facade for long.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt. It is not your fault. I would definitely not recommend you try to call this guy again. He will not respect you if you 'chase' him and respect is everything. If you do not chase him, it is quite likely he will come around again trying to get another close night with you. That is the time to see how much effort he is willing to put into this relationship. Does he want to spend time with you just to enjoy your company or does he really only want sex? If the latter, he will give up easily.

 

We are all learning about relationships all the time. Some guys behave in this casual kind of way. The only thing we can do is to not let them treat us in a casual fashion and make it clear we have boundaries and standards.

[BaileyB]

Dating really shouldn't be this complicated. You had sex with the guy on the first date. He leaves and doesn't respond to your messages. For whatever reason, he is not interested.

 

You can continue to contact him, but that only makes you appear desperate and that is not attractive to any man. Why chase a guy who doesn't want to be chased? If a guy is interested, let him chase you. And keep in mind, he can't "chase" you if you have sex with him on the first date.

 

I'm sorry that you are sad because it didn't work out. But really, it was only one date. You should not be so invested with this guy that you are crying your eyes out because it didn't go anywhere... In the future, you really should reconsider the fact that you had sex with this guy on the first date if you don't want to be hurt. Take the time to get to know the guy, such that you are sure that he wants to date you (that he's not only interested in the sex).

 

I think there is merit in taking a break from dating for a while. And, some discussion with a counsellor about healthy boundaries when dating and in relationships would never hurt. Best wishes.

Edited June 29, 2017 by BaileyB

[basil67]

I've had a few incidents of first date sex. And if there's one piece of advice I can give, it's to always go into the venture knowing that there is a good chance it will be a one night stand. Anything more is a bonus and NOT to be expected.

 

It's foolish to have any expectations further than the one night.

[aSadGirl]

SadGirl, you need to stop dating and seeking a relationship for a long time. You are doing nothing but sabotaging yourself. Step back and get focused on just YOU for a while.

 

Every time you, in your perception, fail at a dating scenario, you are compounding the hurt and digging an emotional hole for yourself that you may never be able to pull yourself out of. Take a break. You need it.

 

Thanks but i cant take a break.. its in the middle of summer here in my northen city.. i love to dress up in small dresses and high sandal-stilettos and perhaps pantyhose and no jacket for dates.. the winter is so long here.. reaches sep-april so whilte its summer im really trying to make the most of it dating-wise.. i love going on picknicks, sitting on a beach or outside sipping on a glass of wine.. not having to freeze...

 

i know you people always advise me to stop dating but im soon 30 years old! im stressed! i feel if im not even TRYING To go on dates - then im even more failure than at least tried...

 

I texted him my number some hours ago, i dont think he was asleep already but it seems he didnt call. i hope he does tomorrow otherwise we can consider all of you to be right about him that he will only reach out maybe on his convenience.

 

im so tired of not being prioritzed as number one.. and i see friends around me moving in together, getting kids.. getting married.. while im on square 1... stop dating would be square 0.

 

trust im, im not planning to go on a date for at least a week now but i cant stop dating for months in the middle of the summer.

 

i will however call a psycholog again to try to perhaps get the diagnosis ADD.. i already have borderline.. not that it would help that much but it would explain some of my everyday diffuculties of getting on time, keep everything clean/tidy.. concentration problems etc.

 

im still stuck here with fireballs in my eyes after all the tears.. ive read everything each one of you said and to most of you im grateful, believe it, even if i havent responded to everyone at least yet.. im too much of a mess to do that..

 

I´ve eaten Oxazepam/Klonazepam on days and sleep-pills on nights for several days in a row now.. i need to stop this and feel better soon but i dont know how...

 

i spoke to a care.person though a psychiatric line today on phone who asked me "what si best about you? what are you proud of? in what way are you a good friend?" hard questions sort of.. i do like som things about me but also many not.

 

i will try to call a psycholog tomorrow morning but even if i get one the queue is long and they only offer diagnosis-exploration not theraphy.. therapy costs too much, like 150$ / hour and im a student.. i dont have that sort of money and even if i would i probably would spend them on something more fun like a new dress, chocolate pralines or botox or something..

because therapy takes too long time and costs too much, it feels like only rich people can afford it in a good way!

[Versacehottie]

Thanks but i cant take a break.. its in the middle of summer here in my northen city.. i love to dress up in small dresses and high sandal-stilettos and perhaps pantyhose and no jacket for dates.. the winter is so long here.. reaches sep-april so whilte its summer im really trying to make the most of it dating-wise.. i love going on picknicks, sitting on a beach or outside sipping on a glass of wine.. not having to freeze...

 

i know you people always advise me to stop dating but im soon 30 years old! im stressed! i feel if im not even TRYING To go on dates - then im even more failure than at least tried...

 

I texted him my number some hours ago, i dont think he was asleep already but it seems he didnt call. i hope he does tomorrow otherwise we can consider all of you to be right about him that he will only reach out maybe on his convenience.

 

im so tired of not being prioritzed as number one.. and i see friends around me moving in together, getting kids.. getting married.. while im on square 1... stop dating would be square 0.

 

trust im, im not planning to go on a date for at least a week now but i cant stop dating for months in the middle of the summer.

 

i will however call a psycholog again to try to perhaps get the diagnosis ADD.. i already have borderline.. not that it would help that much but it would explain some of my everyday diffuculties of getting on time, keep everything clean/tidy.. concentration problems etc.

 

im still stuck here with fireballs in my eyes after all the tears.. ive read everything each one of you said and to most of you im grateful, believe it, even if i havent responded to everyone at least yet.. im too much of a mess to do that..

 

I´ve eaten Oxazepam/Klonazepam on days and sleep-pills on nights for several days in a row now.. i need to stop this and feel better soon but i dont know how...

 

i spoke to a care.person though a psychiatric line today on phone who asked me "what si best about you? what are you proud of? in what way are you a good friend?" hard questions sort of.. i do like som things about me but also many not.

 

i will try to call a psycholog tomorrow morning but even if i get one the queue is long and they only offer diagnosis-exploration not theraphy.. therapy costs too much, like 150$ / hour and im a student.. i dont have that sort of money and even if i would i probably would spend them on something more fun like a new dress, chocolate pralines or botox or something..

because therapy takes too long time and costs too much, it feels like only rich people can afford it in a good way!

 

Stopping dating is not square 0 if trying to date keeps knocking the very little self-confidence you have left. You will end up with a partner that will not be worthy of you because you are not at your best. I'm really glad that you are trying to find some help. I think that is step number one. This is not that big of a deal, only your reaction to it is. I'm not making light of your reaction just pointing out that if you are to keep dating you will repeatedly be disappointed and have what you consider "failures". Listen if this guy is not worthy of you or not a great person, you have lost nothing in losing him. Continually putting yourself in these situations where you characterize the outcomes this way IS a loss however. You just need to have stronger self-worth, a stronger base so you characterize this dating situations differently.

 

As far as trying to keep up with your friends' lives, you are just going to have to accept that yours is going according to YOUR plan and it's perfectly fine. If you are still a student, timing-wise you might be a bit behind them in terms of getting to a bf/husband/family stage. Still I'd rather wait than pick a bad/the wrong guy. That really is a simple concept. And it's a numbers game at the heart of things to meet and date enough people where you eventually run into the right guy for you. Stop beating yourself up by trying to keep up with imaginary deadlines. Plus a lot of times what lives appear to be on the surface, a perfect marriage or engagement are far from that. Enjoy summer as a single and perhaps dating girl.

[BaileyB]

Talk to your doctor about a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist. That may help with the cost if you don't have other insurance.

 

Definitely, try to find someone you can talk too. It's probably the best thing you can do for yourself. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

aSadGirl --

 

 

It's fine to want to dress up & enjoy summer. We simply want you to do it from a healthy happy place. Right now you are sad & desperate & you have no clue why you do the self destructive things you do. Until you address those issues we fear you are doomed to be alone.

 

 

Talk to the person who is prescribing your meds now. You shouldn't be on meds without talk therapy to go along with it.

[BaileyB]

aSadGirl --

 

 

It's fine to want to dress up & enjoy summer. We simply want you to do it from a healthy happy place. Right now you are sad & desperate & you have no clue why you do the self destructive things you do. Until you address those issues we fear you are doomed to be alone.

 

 

Talk to the person who is prescribing your meds now. You shouldn't be on meds without talk therapy to go along with it.

 

Absolutely. You shouldn't be in meds without talk therapy. Talk to your doctor.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry honey, truly I am. I've been there when I was a kid. Remember the rules -

 

1) If you have not heard from him within 48 hours after the first get together, you won't hear from him again 90% of the time. He might call you a few days later, you might have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to the request and you certainly will not see/hear from him again after the second get together.

 

2) Sex on the first date - Oh no, it's done. If you are just looking for a hook up, that's fine. But don't expect to have a relationship with him if you have sex on the first date. He (or you) practiced that old "bag it, tag it, give it cab fare" routine.

 

You'll be okay. Go out and bang someone else, have more experiences, become an adult woman who thinks like a man.

[Blanco]

No one can stop you from dating, but I promise you won't find a quality guy as you are now.

[Bastile]

Go out and bang someone else, have more experiences, become an adult woman who thinks like a man.

 

I seriously couldn't disagree more.

 

Don't "become a man", "bang someone else". Protect your feminine energy - it's attractive.

 

Just limit yourself to kissing on a first date. Go out, have fun, get to know people. Start there.

 

Believe me, if he has any genuine interest in you, or he's basically just halfway decent, he'll be fine with having sex on date 2,3,4,5.

 

Anyway, it's the weekend. Chin up and relax

 

Next week, reassess and start over.

[Arieswoman]

Just limit yourself to kissing on a first date. Go out, have fun, get to know people. Start there.

 

Good advice from bastile #45

 

When I was divorced and dating I made it a rule never to have first date sex because ;

 

a) I couldn't take the rejection if he didn't call again

b) I was screening for guys who wanted a relationship

c) I needed to know if his interest in me (as a person) was genuine

 

Some guys I dated got really nasty when I turned them down, so wasn't it a good job I didn't have sex with them?

 

One insisted we went for a meal, then when I refused to take him back to my place afterwards, complained about how much the meal had cost him. I put the cost of my meal on the table in front of him, told him that he couldn't buy me because I wasn't a hooker, put my coat on and walked out.

 

I learned from all this to screen guys better before I dated them and it was a steep learning curve, believe me

 

I also did work on myself, including assertiveness training.

 

Maybe you would also benefit from some counselling?

[Capris]

Asadgirl, you are not prioritizing yourself, how can you expect it from another? I know therapy can be expensive. You can find help online too, even self help books. But, you prefer to continue dating because you are afraid you will remain single for the rest of your life. This brings up my second point, you treat men like objects. You just want a boyfriend, pic nics and a future with them "for life". You don't seem to care who it is and what type of person he is. Acting this way will not get you there.

 

You will constantly be disappointed, this I can guarantee. Even if you find a BF. Please work on yourself and stop dating.

Also, you say you are disgusted of the fact that you have been with 10 guys but at least it was with a condom? Do you like sex or do you just use it as a way to make men like you?

Edited June 30, 2017 by Capris

[IndigoNight]

OP, does your college offer counseling services to students? If so, it is typically low cost, or included in the cost of tuition. If you have access to a crisis line, or emergency type therapy, they may be able to tell you what resources are available to you. When you call to make an appointment, you can ask if they offer a sliding-scale fee (your cost is based on your earnings).

 

Refusing to stop dating because the weather is nice, and you can wear cute clothes is a pretty flimsy excuse for refusing to get help. If you react like this (bawling, upset for days, needing medication, etc.) on every date that doesn't turn out how you think it should have, you probably should reevaluate your priorities. Or, learn to accept that you will end up in 3-5 date "relationships", or 70 hour phone call "relationships".

 

You keep asking for advice, but do you ever take any of the good advice given to you, repeatedly, on several threads? You really need to consider investing in yourself, and work on stabilizing your own life, before trying to find someone that will commit to you. A bad date should not devastate you. We've all had them, and learn to brush them off, and move on with our life. Rejection never feels good, but it doesn't have to hurt as bad as you are allowing it to.

 

You mention others not putting you first (prioritizing you). Why should they, when you do not put yourself first? At least not in a healthy way. You "joke" about how you'd rather be paying for botox or chocolates instead of therapy. Is that prioritizing you? Sure, on a very superficial level. Maybe you prefer superficial, since you don't seem to want to work very hard to get the help you have acknowledged that you need.

 

I've read most of your other threads, because I was trying to understand your perspective. You make a lot of excuses, but appear to do nothing to change the pattern of behavior that keeps leading to yet another bad date. The chances of finding a lasting relationship will increase, but only if you take the time to work on yourself first. Or, you can continue on the path you have been on, and expect to feel the same way as you do, every time a date doesn't turn into your "happily ever after".

[Lorenza]

Yes OP, dating excessively just because it's summer, is a pretty lousy excuse, especially when you're this unstable. But if you want to keep on sabotaging yourself, nobody's gonna be able to help you. I'm convinced that some of us get used to being miserable and it becomes our comfort zone (speaking from my own experience). But just have in mind that most men won't want to deal with our misery and non-existent self esteem. You can't love someone who doesn't love themselves.

[Whodatdog]

Until you value yourself, no one else will. You are worth dating, and you are worth having a relationship with a great guy. Believe that. But as long as you chase guys, and not make yourself a priority, no one else will either.

 

You look at every single first date as a boyfriend, it just doesnt work that way. It takes many dates to figure out if you are compatible with someone, if they are someone who you want a relationship with, if YOU are someone they want a relationship with. Stop crashing thru these guys like a wrecking ball, back up and give them a chance to want to get to know you. When you meet the right guy, you will know. But only if you give them the chance to get to know you.