Is my wife hiding something?

[suspiciousH]

yes by all means TRUST YOUR gut...not everybody's elses.

 

Your wife may not be doing anything inappropriate...you been spying and have found nothing.

 

Well, I wouldn't quite call the FB thread I stumbled on nothing. Some people would define what I saw on FB as an EA. But I don't because I didn't see any "I love you's," sexting, or plans for the future.

 

I'm also troubled by last summer's texting stats. From what I've read on LS that's a material smoking gun.

[SammySammy]

It's interesting to watch the cat and mouse game when the betrayer is smart enough to cover their tracks.

[suspiciousH]

Thanks for the thoughts, Jersey and S2B, and Blues.

 

Good points RE games and other apps that can be uninstalled/reinstalled. Not sure how I could get visibility into that without jailbreaking her phone. I may end up having to do that but I'm hoping to make progress using less invasive methods first. Also, I found a motion sensitive video camera disguised as a book for $120. Should be delivered to my office Friday or Monday. GPS and VAR will be back in place for Monday. I got a hold of one of the broadband receivers yesterday but am still waiting for the $5K device because it's much smaller (the one I got yesterday is the size of a briefcase) and includes more features.

 

Last night I was SO tempted to ask her about the unusual texting usage from last summer. But I didn't. In any event, I had a hard time sleeping. She came to bed after midnight and I got up and went downstairs to the PC until I was exhausted enough to sleep. I could tell she was scratching her head about that but she didn't say anything. At least Skype wasn't open again . . .

[Silveron]

Google activtrak it's awesome and free..

[suspiciousH]

Google activtrak it's awesome and free..

 

Great tip! I just watched the overview video and it seems perfect for my purposes. Thanks.

[Zona]

How often were they communicating via facebook 3 years ago?

 

EA's don't have to include a sexual component, but just things like intimacy, sharing personal details, comparing to and complaining about spouse, making time for contact by changing normal routines, taking steps to make sure it is hidden from your spouse, spending a lot of "alone time" together, fantasizing and talking about meeting in person.

 

Would you say the conversations had these elements?

 

Wiki has more information with links in regards to how experts define an EA BTW.

 

The things is, getting hit on is not uncommon for young women, married or not. That is just reality. It is how she reacts that makes the difference. If it was a few short conversations, I really wouldn't get overly suspicious. I suppose there are enough red-flags in her current behavior to warrant following up. Activtrak is a great tool for seeing what she is up to on her computer if you want to follow it further.

If she is signing out of skype everyday, that is weird. Who does that? How do you know she is using it though?

[Cephalopod]

In the end, if you find nothing through teh means you have been using, then you may need to pull out your wallet and hire a P.I. A good one can find out more in a day than you can in two weeks. They can be well worth the money.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well, I wouldn't quite call the FB thread I stumbled on nothing. Some people would define what I saw on FB as an EA. But I don't because I didn't see any "I love you's," sexting, or plans for the future.

 

I'm also troubled by last summer's texting stats. From what I've read on LS that's a material smoking gun.

 

That's what I mean... if you have something bothering you.., then by all means pursue it.

 

But pursue it because it bothers YOU not because it bothers someone else.

 

There's a fairly new guy here named mrboogie I think... he suspected and bam within three days he had his answers.

 

I hope your investigation goes as quickly as his did

[suspiciousH]

Nope sorry...

 

 

The GPS Turned up Nothing at all? It may be an online, maybe the face book guy, emotional affair. Does not make it better, just that there is no sex.

 

 

Hey Blues -- The GPS produced travel patterns/stops for an entire day at a time and in real-time, too. There were a couple addresses where she stopped that weren't familiar to me. I used Zillow to find out who the owner was. But she didn't visit those places more than once in the 3 1/2 weeks I tracked her. If a PA were ongoing with a guy in town would you expect no repeat visits during that period of time?

 

Also, she's a SAHM so I guess someone could be paying her visits but I would really be surprised if she was that bold because our neighbors would notice. That said, I doubt they would tell me even if they noticed anything unusual.

 

(Going forward I'll crosstab the GPS results with my public records database.)

[spanz1]

"Oh, anyone can buy burners at Wal-mart." I have to admit that I didn't even know where one could even buy a burner at that point and I was surprised that she knew."

 

Well, THAT is what you go around the house and look for: the CHARGER for a burner phone. It is unlikely she is carrying the charger around in her purse. If you find one, THEN your gut feeling will be confirmed.

 

Barring any solid evidence, though, not always are a man's gut feelings on this true.

[Trtroles]

The only red flag are those texts. Why would she delete them if there is nothing to hide!!! You need to tell us more.

 

How is your sex life? Is she going out with girls? How much? Is she "friends" with women who are divorced because of cheating?

 

Cheating or not your marriage is already in trouble. When you go to bed your wife stays up until midnight. You live together but you dont communicate well. She spends her time online while you watch tv and what else. You could use your time better,like going out for walks,nice dinner,go for a ice-cream...

 

Take care.

[Zona]

Barring any solid evidence, though, not always are a man's gut feelings on this true.

 

I remembering seeing statistics that said when women suspect cheating they are right about 2/3 of the time, while men are only right about half the time. Couldn't find the article just now, so I don't know what it is based on.

 

I agree with other posters that even if your wife isn't cheating, you may have work to do on your marriage. Remember that sex and intimacy are utterly intertwined for most couples.

[suspiciousH]

How often were they communicating via facebook 3 years ago?

 

EA's don't have to include a sexual component, but just things like intimacy, sharing personal details, comparing to and complaining about spouse, making time for contact by changing normal routines, taking steps to make sure it is hidden from your spouse, spending a lot of "alone time" together, fantasizing and talking about meeting in person.

 

Would you say the conversations had these elements?

 

Wiki has more information with links in regards to how experts define an EA BTW.

 

The things is, getting hit on is not uncommon for young women, married or not. That is just reality. It is how she reacts that makes the difference. If it was a few short conversations, I really wouldn't get overly suspicious. I suppose there are enough red-flags in her current behavior to warrant following up. Activtrak is a great tool for seeing what she is up to on her computer if you want to follow it further.

If she is signing out of skype everyday, that is weird. Who does that? How do you know she is using it though?

 

The FB conversations were near daily over a month. He was making it clear that he wanted her (often using fairly obvious double entendre) and she would reply with comments like "LOL" "You're sweet" "naughty boy" and so forth. He talked about a "business trip" (he's a cop) to where we live but I never found anything from her that looked like a plan to meet. (But maybe that was only because I discovered the chat thread a couple days later.) No complaining about me that I could find. That said I'm not a Facebooker so I may not have found everything.

 

I assume she's using Skype because I don't use it and sometimes the app is open but logged-out when I get on the PC in the morning.

[suspiciousH]

The only red flag are those texts. Why would she delete them if there is nothing to hide!!! You need to tell us more.

 

How is your sex life? Is she going out with girls? How much? Is she "friends" with women who are divorced because of cheating?

 

Cheating or not your marriage is already in trouble. When you go to bed your wife stays up until midnight. You live together but you dont communicate well. She spends her time online while you watch tv and what else. You could use your time better,like going out for walks,nice dinner,go for a ice-cream...

 

Take care.

 

The red flags are the FB chat I discovered three years ago and the text usage from last summer. Nothing else other than some seemingly minor behavioral changes. For example, she has been a lot testier with the kids this year. And on a recent vacation to Southeast Asia she treated me the same way (at least during the second week of the vacation). That and overall greater flirtiness with guys.

 

Not sure you have nearly enough information to draw the conclusion that my wife and I don't communicate well. Sex life remains normal: three times a week on average. I do my best to mix things up so it stays interesting and I always make sure she reaches orgasm either before or at the same time as me. We don't fight much and when we do it's more of a calm disagreement. Frankly, I've given her an amazing life: attention and time (I don't golf with my buddies on the weekend; I hang with the family for the most part), excellent money, big house, lots of international travel, etc. So I can honestly say that there's not a hell of a lot to complain about. That said, this worry I've been experiencing makes me sullen at times and she doesn't like it.

 

She does Mom's Night Out occasionally but she doesn't drink. Maybe one of two of her acquaintances (not close friends) friends have divorced because of cheating.

 

There aren't a bunch of red flags. That's why I'm investigating.

[Cephalopod]

You know, from what you are describing, it sounds to me like she enjoyed flirting with this guy but never went full on sexting or making arrangements to hook up. She most likely enjoyed the attention but kept the guy at "arm's length", so to speak, out of fear she would go too far. Maybe i'm completely off base here.

 

What she did was inappropriate and wrong, but I can't say I would classify it as full-on cheating...although it was definitely heading that direction.

 

The question I put to you is how much effort you plan on playing Sherlock?

 

Is this something you could see yourself getting obsessed over?

[Zona]

 

There aren't a bunch of red flags. That's why I'm investigating.

 

That FB conversation was totally inappropriate to say the least.

 

In any case, you will get your answer soon enough if you follow the advice you have been given here.

 

The fact your wife was giving the guy a big maybe, instead of a resolute no, will likely mean he will continue to chase her one way or the other. Don't underestimate what these kind of a-holes will do to get their hands on a married woman. You might want to find out is he is married and if so, let his wife know what he was saying to your wife. What a jerk.

[suspiciousH]

You know, from what you are describing, it sounds to me like she enjoyed flirting with this guy but never went full on sexting or making arrangements to hook up. She most likely enjoyed the attention but kept the guy at "arm's length", so to speak, out of fear she would go too far. Maybe i'm completely off base here.

 

What she did was inappropriate and wrong, but I can't say I would classify it as full-on cheating...although it was definitely heading that direction.

 

The question I put to you is how much effort you plan on playing Sherlock?

 

Is this something you could see yourself getting obsessed over?

 

Ceph -- Good points, questions.

 

No question that this kind of spying could become an obsession. In fact, I've noticed that reading other LS posts has increased my worry for reasons I don't completely understand. My plan is to investigate through Labor Day or until I find something material, whichever comes sooner. Do you think two months is enough time?

 

If all I end up with is what I now know then I would have to guess that she had some interest in a guy last summer, things got hotter than they should and the one of the two of them broke it off. Then I'll just have to leave it at that and decide whether or not I want to ask my wife about the text frequency last summer to gauge her reaction.

[S2B]

I think there's info to be found on the Skype front.

 

See if you can log into that. See who and how often/long she is

 

It's convenient she stays up so late - what does she say she's doing while you're sleeping?

[Doorstopper]

Here are a bunch of random thoughts about your situation:

 

You are already in a no-win situation. If you find something, you wife is having a PA or EA. But if you find nothing, you are going to wonder for the rest of your life, if something happened in the past, that is no longer going on.

 

How old are your kids? Could all the summer texting be because they were out of school for the summer. Or does she have friends who are teachers who she might be contacting more because school is out. Is current texting increasing, perhaps for the same reason it increased last summer?

 

When you say text frequency increased by 5x: From what to what? 100 texts to 500 may be innocuous, 1000 to 5000 and yeah, something may have been going on.

 

Check game apps for chat features. My wife's EA started on the dice for buddies app. If its an android phone, her google account will likely show all apps ever installed, even if they are no longer installed.

 

Does your wife use skype for her consulting?

 

If there was a burner phone, the texts over last summer would not have been there so I'm thinking its unlikely. Again, if there was a burner phone she likely wouldn't be skyping to an affair partner on your home computer.

 

Consciously or subconsciously, you belief that your wife may be having an affair could already be putting a strain on your marriage. This could change the dynamics of your relationship and give you more of a feeling that something is not right, reinforcing you belief that there may be an affair.

 

I wish you luck.

[sandylee1]

It is beginning to sound like a bit of an obsession, but I understand you want answers.

 

The conversation from 3 years ago sounds like she was flattered with his comments. Sure she could have shut him down, but she probably felt her response was harmless.

 

My response in a simile situation was "You should be so lucky". Then I changed the subject.

 

As far as the increased texts to a particular number, I'm not quite sure what the explanation is.

 

I do think he was disrespectful trying to make a move on your wife like that.

 

A VAR in the house and her car are good.

 

You have to get to a point where you stop stressing yourself and move forward if you don't find anything though.

[suspiciousH]

Here are a bunch of random thoughts about your situation:

 

You are already in a no-win situation. If you find something, you wife is having a PA or EA. But if you find nothing, you are going to wonder for the rest of your life, if something happened in the past, that is no longer going on.

 

How old are your kids? Could all the summer texting be because they were out of school for the summer. Or does she have friends who are teachers who she might be contacting more because school is out. Is current texting increasing, perhaps for the same reason it increased last summer?

 

When you say text frequency increased by 5x: From what to what? 100 texts to 500 may be innocuous, 1000 to 5000 and yeah, something may have been going on.

 

Check game apps for chat features. My wife's EA started on the dice for buddies app. If its an android phone, her google account will likely show all apps ever installed, even if they are no longer installed.

 

Does your wife use skype for her consulting?

 

If there was a burner phone, the texts over last summer would not have been there so I'm thinking its unlikely. Again, if there was a burner phone she likely wouldn't be skyping to an affair partner on your home computer.

 

Consciously or subconsciously, you belief that your wife may be having an affair could already be putting a strain on your marriage. This could change the dynamics of your relationship and give you more of a feeling that something is not right, reinforcing you belief that there may be an affair.

 

I wish you luck.

 

Thanks, Doorstopper -- Excellent questions. Listed below are my thoughts.

 

- If I don't find anything going forward then I have to be man enough to put it behind me. I was able to do so for two years after discovering the FB chats. And I would hope that if some guys on LS are somehow able to eventually let go of an actual EA or PA (a miraculous feat IMHO) then I should be able to put some unsubstantiated doubts behind me.

 

- Kids are 8 to teens. I wasn't able to identify a reason why my wife's summer texting would be higher than other times of the year so I revisited the aggregate text counts on Sprint. She averages 100-125 text per month. During last summer she was averaging over 600. I compared those 2016 summer figures to summer texts in 2015: June=53, July=127, August=153. Not having a good understanding of the texting differentials that might signal an EA/PA, I couldn't say whether the increases last summer would necessarily lead an expert to conclude that something was going on.

 

- Wife doesn't use Skype for her PT consulting that I know of. Conference calls seem to be the collaboration tool of choice in her space and I know all those dial-in numbers. Even if she used Skype for work I would be surprised if many/any calls happened in the evening because her clients are all in the US.

 

- Good point about the potential burner phone fallacy.

 

- I agree that my worries, "cheating" research, and spying might play into confirmation bias. I need to be careful about that. Any suggestions on how to put/keep things in perspective is more than welcome.

[S2B]

What's your plan if you find something?

 

I see you have a plan if you don't find something - but have a plan either way...

[misspalmy]

without trust theres nothing,

 

you can stay see if something happens is she cheated

 

or leave and find someone new

[Zona]

Any suggestions on how to put/keep things in perspective is more than welcome.

 

Do just enough snooping to convince yourself she is not in close contact with another man on an ongoing basis, then stop. If she is, better to find out and deal with it than let it fester.

 

If everything is clean as far as you can tell, you should be able to move on.

 

If you don't do something to check on who she is potentially skyping (or other) with, it will be very hard to get it out of your mind.

 

Honestly I wouldn't bother with the VAR or GPS, or even phone. I would just focus on her computer. The fact she doesn't guard or lock her phone almost certainly means she is not using it to communicate with anyone bad, and a burner is unlikely for the reasons mentioned. The signing out of skype every night thing would bug me. Most people want to get messages while they are away.

[usa1ah]

Hey Blues -- The GPS produced travel patterns/stops for an entire day at a time and in real-time, too. There were a couple addresses where she stopped that weren't familiar to me. I used Zillow to find out who the owner was. But she didn't visit those places more than once in the 3 1/2 weeks I tracked her. If a PA were ongoing with a guy in town would you expect no repeat visits during that period of time?

 

Also, she's a SAHM so I guess someone could be paying her visits but I would really be surprised if she was that bold because our neighbors would notice. That said, I doubt they would tell me even if they noticed anything unusual.

 

(Going forward I'll crosstab the GPS results with my public records database.)

 

The single hits on the address could mean one and done. Maybe she only does ONS.