I don't know what's real anymore

[elaine567]

...you are left with two choices:

 

A) stay with a cheater and live the life of betrayed spouse who is constantly looking over her shoulder

 

B) leave and start a new life.

 

I know, I know, you want a

 

C) things go back to the way the were.

 

Sorry, that wasn't one of the two choices.

 

^^^ 100 000 000x this.

 

YOU are young and have your whole life ahead of you, do not stay in this hell for one minute longer.

He has been cheating for almost your entire marriage, got caught, but continued anyway.

You said he is a "flirty" guy, I guess she is not his first nor his last...

YOU will just lurch from one crisis to another.

Yes, you have invested 7 years in this guy, but do not waste any more years.

YOU can't change him, he doesn't want to change.

[IndigoNight]

The last time I talked to her I asked her to leave us alone. That I wasn't leaving my husband. I feel like if she listened and stayed away that we could work. I am not trying to blame her but we didn't have any issues this big until she came into his life.

 

 

 

 

Do you think she alerted you to what had been going on to help you? When the OW/OM calls to tell the BS about an A, it is usually 1 of 2 reasons 1.) To tear the marriage apart, so they can have WS, or 2.) out of anger, and wanting to hurt the WS by revealing their indiscretions. Considering she kept seeing him, I would guess she picked number 1. (For your own sanity, you might want to stop talking to her because she isn't your friend, and has only her own interests in mind. Don't "ask" to be left alone, just don't talk to her.)

 

Why do you want to stay married to him? If he doesn't make you feel loved, and happy, or if he demeans you, why stay? If you don't want to have sex with him, why should he stay? (Sorry, but if he wants sex and you could care less, he will get it from someone else, or leave you.) If he is calling you fat, and you don't care if you're having sex or not, she is NOT the only issue in your marriage. Sorry.

 

I hate to say it, but the blame is on your husband, because he is married to you. She isn't. She owes you no loyalty or respect, he does. She didn't steal him. He had to be willing to stray. If he kept going back, do you honestly believe that he won't do it again, with her, or someone else? If you can't find proof of what he's been up to now, when you KNOW he has had an A, what makes you think you will next time? (Considering he wasn't leaving many clues to the A, I would bet it wasn't his first time being sneaky. Not saying he has had other A's, but that he has had to hide his activities in the past, perhaps with an ex. Being adept at covering one's tracks is a learned behavior.)

 

I understand you not wanting to tell friends or family about the A, because it can be humiliating and painful. You HAVE to talk to someone! Go to counseling, or find a solid friend or relative. It helps.

[whatsgoingon83]

A lot has happened but things are essentially the same. I was using his phone the other day and I saw an email come in from her. I lost it. He said she was the one trying to initiate contact and that he never responded and that he doesn't want to be with her but she isn't getting it. I only saw the first few lines which were talking about a texting app and to make sure it's deleted so I know he has been talking to her in some way. He told me he loved me and wanted to work on the marriage and that he will tell her to stop and won't engage with her anymore.

 

He has been posting pictures of us on Snapchat and social media. He is making it clear that he is with me. On paper, he is doing a lot of things right. However I was able to log in to the texting app and read some of their messages. It is true- he was telling her that they couldn't talk anymore but he was saying "while I'm married to her, you and I can't be anything". He didn't deny loving her, he said he thinks about her constantly but he isn't leaving me right now. That he's going to Try and see if the marriage can be fixed because he owes me this. He told her that I wasn't supposed to find out this way and that he had told her several times that he never wanted me to find out about the affair and now that I know, he can't just leave. She asked him how he could love her but choose to be with someone else and he said "because I am already married to her. She's my wife".

 

We are currently out of town together for a family event. We've been fine. No arguing. But I can't help wondering why he says things like that to her. Are they real? Is what he tells me real? Is he staying out of guilt even though I told him to go? He doesn't know I've seen the messages. I'm trying to see how things go and if there is more contact before doing anything. If he's cutting her out, then that means he's choosing to be with me and wants to be married to me right?

 

And I want to add: separating isn't an option. I told him that too. If he wants time away we will file for divorce. We are either married or divorcing. There's no in between. Separating is just an excuse for him to do what he wants for a while and then come back to me when he's had his fun.

Edited July 2, 2017 by whatsgoingon83

[usa1ah]

The last time I talked to her I asked her to leave us alone. That I wasn't leaving my husband. I feel like if she listened and stayed away that we could work. I am not trying to blame her but we didn't have any issues this big until she came into his life.

 

They didn't meet until we were already married. About a year after we married is when they became friends and it was all downhill from there.

 

Stop. This is not the OW or OM's fault. This seats squarely on your husband. He was s the one that took the marriage vows not the OW. You have this problem because your husband couldn't keep jr in his pants. You still have this problem because you decide to stay with a cheater with out making him accountable for his actions.

 

You have three choices.

 

1. Continue the course you are on and have a really messed up marriage.

 

2. Hold him accountable for his actions. Expose to family and friends and make him quite his current job and find another. Total transparency on electronics.

 

3. Divorce and find someone that loves you and that will be true to you.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Wish you the best.

[whatsgoingon83]

Stop. This is not the OW or OM's fault. This seats squarely on your husband. He was s the one that took the marriage vows not the OW. You have this problem because your husband couldn't keep jr in his pants. You still have this problem because you decide to stay with a cheater with out making him accountable for his actions.

 

You have three choices.

 

1. Continue the course you are on and have a really messed up marriage.

 

2. Hold him accountable for his actions. Expose to family and friends and make him quite his current job and find another. Total transparency on electronics.

 

3. Divorce and find someone that loves you and that will be true to you.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Wish you the best.

They don't work together anymore. I believe he was actually fired because of his relationship with this woman. When I found out about the affair his getting fired made more sense but they both said that wasn't the reason so who really knows.

 

I already have complete access to his phone and have linked hisphone to my iCloud account.

 

I have held him accountable. He knows that he cannot speak to her anymore and it seems like he's trying to do that but she continued to reach out to him. When I saw the most recent email we got into it again about this woman and he said he was done with her and had told her to stop but she kept trying. He said he'd never talk to her again and told her it was over and he didn't want to speak with her again. The problem is i logged into the texting app he used and read those messages- while he did say he didn't want to talk, he said they couldn't talk "while married" to me. It sounds as if he is still thinking about leaving. Which I guess makes sense- we don't know if we'll make it through this. But it's still a weird thing to say to her. He should be saying "I want nothing to do with you". Period. Not telling her he loves her and thinks about her all the time but is with me bc he's already married to me and has to see if we can fix it because he owes it to me.

Edited July 2, 2017 by whatsgoingon83

[BTDT2012]

This isn't about you. It's about him. Are you living with your family, or his? He needs to be in counseling. Don't accept half stepping from him. he's keeping her on the hook in case things don't work out, or he is still actively involved with her.

[whatsgoingon83]

This isn't about you. It's about him. Are you living with your family, or his? He needs to be in counseling. Don't accept half stepping from him. he's keeping her on the hook in case things don't work out, or he is still actively involved with her.

With my family.

 

I don't think he is involved with her b/c I did see the messages saying they can't continue to talk and while he's with me they can't talk. My concern is the way he ended it- I expected a "don't ever speak to me again, I am done with you and I love my wife". He was actually telling her that he loved her and thought of her constantly but that he owes me a chance to fix it even though he doesn't think it'll work.

 

He isn't the type to do counseling on his own. He told me he would go to marriage counseling if I wanted but I don't see him opening up and getting to the root of his issues. We had a few sessions but we haven't been back.

 

Both of us aren't great communicators and that's honestly what brought us to this point. And that's something he said even led to the affair- that he felt he could talk to her about anything and they had a good friendship. After a while that friendship turned into an emotional affair and then finally it became physical. I can get past the physical stuff. But my fear is this woman is stuck in his head and heart and if he really feels the way that he told her he did, our marriage has no chance.

 

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Or has anyone tried to reconcile but ultimately divorced? I don't know if I should give myself a deadline. I know it's fresh so both of our emotions are all over the place. I don't want to be in this situation a year from now. But I also don't want to give up too soon.

[road]

Why is the OW not blocked to make breaking NC hard for her?

[whatsgoingon83]

Why is the OW not blocked to make breaking NC hard for her?

Well she is blocked on his phone. Her attempts at communication have been via email which he didn't tell me about. Actually he lied to me about it because I asked if she had tried to contact him and he said no.

 

He said he told her not to contact him anymore as stated in my previous posts. That's my concern now- the way he told her to not contact anymore.

[road]

Then block her emails.

 

Shut down WH's old email and get him a new one and let

no one give it to the OW.

[elaine567]

Then block her emails.

 

Shut down WH's old email and get him a new one and let

no one give it to the OW.

 

The OP has access to this email and can monitor the "supposed" NO communication with the OW.

If she shuts this one down, then he will only be more careful and find another way to communicate with the OW and the OP will not be able to monitor anything.

He thinks he is safe on this email address, if she gives away that she has access. makes a fuss and shuts it down then she is completely in the dark again.

 

My guess that with all this talk of love for the OW, he may be telling her "I want to fix my marriage now", but once the marriage is "fixed", ie the OP is a lot happier, then he will resume relations with the OW. He is in effect telling her to lay low.

The OP may not want to leave her marriage but she doesn't want to be a complete fool and blindly trust her husband either.

She wants to KNOW whether she can trust him

She therefore needs to know what her husband and the OW are up to, and this email account lets her do that.

If she gives him enough rope, he may just hang himself, OR she may find he IS committed to the marriage.

Who knows?

But if she makes a fuss, then he will take it all further underground and she will be clueless as to what is really happening.

[usa1ah]

They don't work together anymore. I believe he was actually fired because of his relationship with this woman. When I found out about the affair his getting fired made more sense but they both said that wasn't the reason so who really knows.

 

I already have complete access to his phone and have linked hisphone to my iCloud account.

 

I have held him accountable. He knows that he cannot speak to her anymore and it seems like he's trying to do that but she continued to reach out to him. When I saw the most recent email we got into it again about this woman and he said he was done with her and had told her to stop but she kept trying. He said he'd never talk to her again and told her it was over and he didn't want to speak with her again. The problem is i logged into the texting app he used and read those messages- while he did say he didn't want to talk, he said they couldn't talk "while married" to me. It sounds as if he is still thinking about leaving. Which I guess makes sense- we don't know if we'll make it through this. But it's still a weird thing to say to her. He should be saying "I want nothing to do with you". Period. Not telling her he loves her and thinks about her all the time but is with me bc he's already married to me and has to see if we can fix it because he owes it to me.

 

All cheaters blame the affair partner for everything. It is what they do. They never take responsibility for their actions unless they are truly remorseful and want to save the marriage.

[usa1ah]

Why are you fighting for a man that is telling his affair partner that he loves her but is staying with you just because he is married to you? That didn't keep him from cheating in the first place.

Edited July 3, 2017 by usa1ah

[whatsgoingon83]

Why are you fighting for a man that is telling his affair partner that he loves her but is staying with you just because he is married to you? That didn't keep him from cheating in the first place.

I guess in my mind I am thinking that he doesn't mean what he is telling her. Maybe he's just trying to let her go gently so she doesn't continue to mess with us. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself of this

 

It just doesn't make sense. Reading through these forums, I've seen so many stories of cheating husbands who tell their mistress that it's over in definite terms. They disclose all communication to their wife. They don't continue talking to the mistress several more times after the initial discovery. Every time I find out they are speaking or even if it's just her reaching out, he tells me it's the last time. Then I find out something else. Why go through all of this if he doesn't want it? That's why I'm still here because if he didn't want this, he wouldn't be here. And regardless of what he told her about loving her or for why he's still with me, at the end of the day, he is here. And that has to mean that he is choosing me at the risk of losing her.

 

Does that make sense to anyone or am I just completely losing it?

[whatsgoingon83]

Then block her emails.

 

Shut down WH's old email and get him a new one and let

no one give it to the OW.

If only that would help. He'd probably create a new one or she'd contact him on his work email. And as we already know, it doesn't help if I ask if there's been contact because he would only lie. Now that I've discovered that email I'm sure nothing will come in through that account which is why I didn't want to say anything in the first place. But when I saw it come in while I had his phone I just couldn't keep it to myself.

[aileD]

I guess in my mind I am thinking that he doesn't mean what he is telling her. Maybe he's just trying to let her go gently so she doesn't continue to mess with us. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself of this

 

It just doesn't make sense. Reading through these forums, I've seen so many stories of cheating husbands who tell their mistress that it's over in definite terms. They disclose all communication to their wife. They don't continue talking to the mistress several more times after the initial discovery. Every time I find out they are speaking or even if it's just her reaching out, he tells me it's the last time. Then I find out something else. Why go through all of this if he doesn't want it? That's why I'm still here because if he didn't want this, he wouldn't be here. And regardless of what he told her about loving her or for why he's still with me, at the end of the day, he is here. And that has to mean that he is choosing me at the risk of losing her.

 

Does that make sense to anyone or am I just completely losing it?

 

I didn't read your whole story yet so forgive me if I'm off base but I read this and can relate. My husband did the same thing. I kept catching him talking to her. He loved her. He sent "goodbye" letters that were more like "goodbye FOR NOW" letters, etc. he finally broke it off completely in a mutual way where he got her to agree to it.

 

We were in R for what I thought was 8 mos or so till I found out he was talking to her every day at work on his company phone. Supposedly she was "helping him" with our marriage...totally Platonic right? Sorry but you can't be friends with someone you had an affair with. It's not ok.

 

Anyway. Have you ever done a 180 with him? Me and my H were talking about divorce after I found this out. I mean why not right? If he's not going to stop talking to her then why even bother staying married? He claims he stopped talking to her but how am I to know anyway? It was an accident I found out. Now I have no access to his work phone...so who knows.

 

Anyway. He was kind of being I jerk ....not sure if he wanted to divorce or not. ...so I left for a couple days and ignored him. Send him a child support calculator and some mediation people and how much he can get for the house. Told him to leave me alone, which he did for a little but then started texting me and I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore (I never do that, I'm a doormat to him usually). And that I was praying about this and to leave me alone.

 

After a night of nothing he started to get scared I think. Anyway, when I came home he tells me that he now knows for a fact now he doesn't want to get divorced.

 

I think sometimes the 180 makes them realize that the whole world isn't revolving around THEIR timetable and that they aren't the ones that are making all the moves.

 

You let him think you're just waiting around for him then he's going to think all the cards are in his hand and he can play them as he wishes. Now if you take control of that and do something like refuse to speak to him or refuse to allow him to live under the marital roof if he's still talking to THE ENEMY OF YOUR MARRIAGE. Then maybe he will realize what it is that he wants (and there's a chance it might not be you)

 

Anyway...those are my thoughts. I commend you for trying to save your marriage and you have good views. But you're not helpless in this. You have a say. Remember that.

Edited July 3, 2017 by aileD

[Mrs. John Adams]

You cannot repair a relationship by yourself. Your partner has to meet you at least halfway and sadly it does not sound like he is willing to do that.

 

So the choice becomes... how long do you wait for him to stop his bad behavior and help you to feel safe and loved?

 

None of us can answer this question for you... only you know how much you can take.

 

All waywards certainly do not blame their ap...some waywards certainly do take responsibility for their actions... some waywards are accountable ... some waywards work toward reconciliation.

 

So...is your wayward accountable for what he has done? Is your wayward helping you to feel safe? Is your wayward asking you what he needs to do to help heal your relationship?

 

If the answers are no.. do you think he ever will be able to do these things for you? And if your answer is no... what do you think you need to do to feel better?

 

I could tell you that I would divorce him... and for me it might be the right answer... but is it the right answer for you? I don't know

[BluesPower]

At some point...

 

You are going to have to confront him on this. All of it, in a clear, non crazy way.

 

You will have to get your notes together and line all of that out and have the conversation. And be straight with him about all of it.

 

The question is that what are you prepared to do? If he will not come clean and tell the truth, are you ready to divorce? You need to decide, because if you have the talk and he does not comply and you do not follow through, he will never take you seriously.

 

Also, tons of WS trickle truth and keep their AP on a string just in case the marriage does not work out. It is common practice.

 

You have to decide what you are willing to do to get out of infidelity.

[usa1ah]

I guess in my mind I am thinking that he doesn't mean what he is telling her. Maybe he's just trying to let her go gently so she doesn't continue to mess with us. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself of this

 

It just doesn't make sense. Reading through these forums, I've seen so many stories of cheating husbands who tell their mistress that it's over in definite terms. They disclose all communication to their wife. They don't continue talking to the mistress several more times after the initial discovery. Every time I find out they are speaking or even if it's just her reaching out, he tells me it's the last time. Then I find out something else. Why go through all of this if he doesn't want it? That's why I'm still here because if he didn't want this, he wouldn't be here. And regardless of what he told her about loving her or for why he's still with me, at the end of the day, he is here. And that has to mean that he is choosing me at the risk of losing her.

 

Does that make sense to anyone or am I just completely losing it?

 

It shows that you truly love your husband. The problem is like you have read and commented about, he is not returning that love. He wouldn't tell the OM that he loved her still for no reason.

 

I am so sorry WGO83, you don't deserve this at all.