Miss Peach Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 so im assuming from your story your ex bf wanted to marry you but you weren't feeling it? would be nice to hear your story too In my case, I didn't put any 'pressure' on my ex BF and he got mad at me for not doing so. I had told him several times I could see that as a possibility and if he wanted to have a discussion about it I was willing to have one. Usually he would bring it up at strange times like during sex. Then he would get butthurt with me for not jumping onto the 'oh I want to get married right now' sort of thing. I ended up walking away in the end because he just couldn't communicate in a mature and straight forward way - even with me pushing him to a bit to open up and tell me what was going on. Our relationship ended with him picking fights with me to get a reaction and me telling him how hurtful it was. I pushed it too far and too frequently and I stopped reacting and so he pulled back more. I offered to talk with him but he made excuses so I let him be. Then he had the nerve to email me several days later asking me why I never called him. When we had our breakup talk, he couldn't seem to get that this wasn't the way to behave and that it was hurtful to me. I just couldn't picture marrying someone who couldn't communicate as I went through that in my first marriage and I don't want to spend the next 40+ years with someone who can't do basic communication. So I walked away. Outside of that issue, he was a bit rigid for my tastes sometimes but treated me wonderfully. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Ukraine? Yeah, I hate to say it, but that's going to be a problem in just about any capacity. How much of a problem depends upon what exactly he does and how tolerant his security office is on the matter. For what it's worth, I know a guy who reported a British girlfriend from the first date and he was forced to quit when he proposed. It is much more common than you might think. At the end of the day he has to make a decision about whether he wants you more than his job. Security issues aside, millions of couples face that exact choice every day, and there's no right or wrong answer. I wish you both the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adilaurentis Posted July 27, 2017 Author Share Posted July 27, 2017 Ukraine? Yeah, I hate to say it, but that's going to be a problem in just about any capacity. How much of a problem depends upon what exactly he does and how tolerant his security office is on the matter. For what it's worth, I know a guy who reported a British girlfriend from the first date and he was forced to quit when he proposed. It is much more common than you might think. At the end of the day he has to make a decision about whether he wants you more than his job. Security issues aside, millions of couples face that exact choice every day, and there's no right or wrong answer. I wish you both the best. I guess you are right. As an update, we did break up not long ago over this issue. Unfortunately he got the say from his security officer that basically his clearance would be lost or severely reduced if we were to live together or get married. It was insanely difficult for him to break the news to me that day but we broke up the same day after a long talk in person. The thing is, it's almost impossible for him to change jobs. He went through a period of unemployment two years ago when he tried applying for everything he could think of and nothing came around until his old (current) job renewed his contract. So that episode has registered with him that he's not really that marketable outside of his current field. He also loves what he does and he considers his job a mission, something that he's signed up for when he was a kid, to serve and defend his country which he considers very satisfying and noble. With someone like this, I really can't argue with him about picking me over what he loves to do. We've been hopeful that everything would be okay but in the end I guess my nationality is indeed a huge negative factor here. Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 I guess you are right. As an update, we did break up not long ago over this issue. Unfortunately he got the say from his security officer that basically his clearance would be lost or severely reduced if we were to live together or get married. It was insanely difficult for him to break the news to me that day but we broke up the same day after a long talk in person. Why didn't he think about this before? I mean, you didn't hide that you were from the Ukraine, did you? And how would he not know the ramifications of this? The conditions and limitations imposed on you by your security clearance are not a secret. They make you aware of them. This man sounds like a thoughtless person who lives in the present without any ideas about the future. After dating someone a year and a half, if they're not ready to marry, they're wasting your time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 I guess you are right. As an update, we did break up not long ago over this issue. Unfortunately he got the say from his security officer that basically his clearance would be lost or severely reduced if we were to live together or get married. It was insanely difficult for him to break the news to me that day but we broke up the same day after a long talk in person. The thing is, it's almost impossible for him to change jobs. He went through a period of unemployment two years ago when he tried applying for everything he could think of and nothing came around until his old (current) job renewed his contract. So that episode has registered with him that he's not really that marketable outside of his current field. He also loves what he does and he considers his job a mission, something that he's signed up for when he was a kid, to serve and defend his country which he considers very satisfying and noble. With someone like this, I really can't argue with him about picking me over what he loves to do. We've been hopeful that everything would be okay but in the end I guess my nationality is indeed a huge negative factor here. I'm really sorry to hear this, but he should have cut it off from the first date. That is an absolute dealbreaker in the national security community; you choose the job or your partner, but you can't have it both ways. Shame on him for continuing the relationship when he knew it would have to end this way. Best of luck in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Oh well you tried and now you learn something from the experience. Down the road you will look back at this and be relieved that you made the right decision as you sit at the table across from your husband enjoying your morning coffee. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I'm sorry. I know it's heartbreaking and hope you can at least someday look back and enjoy the time you did have with him. He might get recruited by someone and change jobs someday, but don't wait for him. I fully understand someone making their career their number one priority, because I have done it myself. I hope you find a new love soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adilaurentis Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 Why didn't he think about this before? I mean, you didn't hide that you were from the Ukraine, did you? And how would he not know the ramifications of this? The conditions and limitations imposed on you by your security clearance are not a secret. They make you aware of them. This man sounds like a thoughtless person who lives in the present without any ideas about the future. After dating someone a year and a half, if they're not ready to marry, they're wasting your time. He said that it did occur to him right at the beginning that it MIGHT be an issue down the road but this is new territory to him and there's no official writing with his job requirement about this so he wasn't really sure. I basically told him where I'm from on our second date so he reported me to his security officer that same week, which was the right thing to do. And throughout this whole year and a half nobody ever told him that it was going to be a big red flag. Basically they don't care if you're just dating. We were both really attracted to each other, and we weren't really moving fast when we first started dating. So I guess he figured that there's attraction here and things seemed to be going well, so he took a chance. I actually don't doubt about that. He told me about a month ago when he was really stressed out about this issue (also when I first posted this thread) that this problem had actually always been on his mind and some days it just seemed easier to deal with while other days he was just completely bothered. We were really getting serious, which is why he started the whole process of reporting intention of cohabitation. He basically wanted to check that if marriage is going to be an issue for us before it's too late. And turns out the investigation results weren't really in our favor, despite all the positive stories we'd heard earlier from his colleagues with similar experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adilaurentis Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 I'm really sorry to hear this, but he should have cut it off from the first date. That is an absolute dealbreaker in the national security community; you choose the job or your partner, but you can't have it both ways. Shame on him for continuing the relationship when he knew it would have to end this way. Best of luck in the future. That's what some of my friends said too, that he shouldn't have dragged me this long. However, neither of us were quite aware that this could be this serious. We did some research on our own about previous cases and saw different stories - some worked out with no problem while others suffered. He also had a few informal meetings with his security officers and colleagues, and was told that this is evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Some of his colleagues have wives from Thailand, Africa, Germany, etc. and were all fine. He really did his part to be as proactive as possible and tried to follow the rules every step of the way. I guess it really depends on the spouse's country of origin and the nature of his work. It's kinda sad that you always have to pick one, which basically says that they should not even try to even start anything with a foreigner. Is there really absolutely no chance that you could compromise and have both?? Because if you started anything and things really developed, then in the end it could be this heartbreaking results like our case here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adilaurentis Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 Oh well you tried and now you learn something from the experience. Down the road you will look back at this and be relieved that you made the right decision as you sit at the table across from your husband enjoying your morning coffee. Thank you. I guess I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing and don't have any closure. He was crying and sad when he broke the news to me and he kept saying that a part of his soul just died. He also said that he will always love me and that this would always be the "what if" case that he will remember and wonder forever. But he still seemed cold and firm that he's determined to end this and he's certain that there's no other options for us. In the past when we counted the good times we had and every time he would burst into tears, but the day we broke up he just seemed sad but also indifferent in a way. It makes me wonder that maybe when he was told about the decision at work, the security people said some other things to him that he couldn't really share with me. What also makes it really hard was that after he told me about the news on the phone and said he was on his way to see me, he brought back all my stuff that was left at his place. That just seemed ridiculously cold to me because if I were in his shoes, I'd be really sad and worn out for a while that I couldn't gather myself to pack away my significant other's stuff and send it back to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Didn't read whole thread just OP (sorry if I missed something) This is just my opinion and I hope it isn't too harsh, but I think this guy is very uncertain about long-term future with you and that is causing dissonance and stress inside of him. I feel most guys know within 1 1/2 year if the person they see themselves in it long-term, like marriage. They may be hesitant, but they know. JMO Link to post Share on other sites
Author adilaurentis Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 Didn't read whole thread just OP (sorry if I missed something) This is just my opinion and I hope it isn't too harsh, but I think this guy is very uncertain about long-term future with you and that is causing dissonance and stress inside of him. I feel most guys know within 1 1/2 year if the person they see themselves in it long-term, like marriage. They may be hesitant, but they know. JMO He actually very much wanted long term with me, which is why he started the process to check with his job whether we can live together next. Just over last weekend he was talking about how often he'd thought of what our wedding would look like and even kids, etc. Now this week news broke from his work that we basically cannot be together if he wants to keep his job Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 He actually very much wanted long term with me, which is why he started the process to check with his job whether we can live together next. Just over last weekend he was talking about how often he'd thought of what our wedding would look like and even kids, etc. Now this week news broke from his work that we basically cannot be together if he wants to keep his job Maybe he wasn't uncertain about his future because he didn't want it - but for practical reasons...which I guess ultimately was the case. I'm very sorry this happened . I wish you healing, love, and happiness. What's meant to be will be Link to post Share on other sites
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