Boyfriend feeling "pressure" from me about marriage

[Gaeta]

MJjean, please. The American laws aren't that much different than ours. Your CIA and our CSIS are closely connected and work in collaborations.

[Miss Peach]

Yes I agree. To me it's obvious the op isn't joking and is hinting strongly, even if she isn't consciously aware of it.

 

For me, 1.5 years is too short for getting married (I should say would have been too short, no way I'll ever do it now)

But everyone is different.

I can totally understand why the boyfriend would feel pressured, especially which his job, which is a genuine concern.

 

Is there a rush for you to get married op? Do you want children soon? Is the relationship good apart from this issue?

 

I agree that many people would deem 1.5 years too short but in that time he should at least be able to say whether he could see it on the table. If their goals are different (and if his career is that much of a concern to the point he might walk away) it might be better for them to part ways.

[kendahke]

While it seems he's got some legitimate concerns through this job which I'm sure he wants to keep, I think that in the final analysis, what is going on is that he's managing your expectations.

 

So cool--you're not looking to get hitched soon. I say enjoy what you do have if it's enjoyable as it is. If it isn't, then perhaps it's time to start looking at someone who doesn't have to or want to jump through government hoops.

 

I'd completely scale back any talk about friends and engagements with him since he's taking that as you dropping hints to him that you're wanting this from him. In the meantime, you need to figure out if you're cool with things as they are right now because he may not get to the point where he wants to go through whatever it is he's got to go through to marry a foreigner if his job is going to climb through his and your backgrounds and your family's background, etc.

[fred123]

Just being real here, if the girl I am dating starts hinting, joking, or talking about marriage and stuff all the time, I am gonna feel pressured. I don't blame the guy one bit. Women don't bring it up unless they are thinking about it. This sort of thing should be talked about, to determine if both parties are on the same page, but all the jokes and hints are not a good way to go about it.

 

If the guy has concerns about his career because of a possible marriage to a foreigner, I would suggest that he knows more about the affect it would have on his career than a few random Internet people who have to use Google.

 

If you trust this guy, you should take him for his word. If you really want to get married, and it seems you are thinking about it, you need to make sure that both of you are on the same page. If you let a guy know that this is something you want one day, let it go at that. Trying to force it can create a pushback.

 

if i was really into her and of the right age id be happy she is talking about that. pressure? its all relative depending on how much i like that person. he isnt that into her. he feels pressure because he isnt there yet and mmost likely wont ever get there.

[adilaurentis]

When my uncle was in a sensitive position and married a foreigner, his clearance was temporarily suspended while his intended was being investigated. Once the investigation was complete, his clearance was reinstated. Frankly, his career was slightly affected and he did end up leaving that position for a contracting job that also required clearances for him and his wife, which he also left once it became clear his marriage was hurting him in the office politics game. He ended up leaving his type job altogether and switched to a related job that didn't require clearances.

 

Interesting. I think that potential prospect is exactly what my boyfriend fears, and he is also concerned that he may not get into another industry easily if he's lost all he has now career-wise. May I ask where your uncle's wife was from? I heard that usually it shouldn't be a problem if the spouse is from a U.S. friendly country.

[adilaurentis]

Is there a rush for you to get married op? Do you want children soon? Is the relationship good apart from this issue?

 

Not really in a rush but I'm 30 and don't want to wait until I'm almost 40 or something to get married and think about kids. I feel like I can wait for another year or two while I continue to figure out our compatibilities and such but who knows. I do think marriage is a huge commitment and a lot of responsibilities, and I've also learned a few things from my friends who have been divorced.

 

The relationship is really good besides this issue. We've been progressing steadily and consistently which is also why he suddenly feels a lot of pressure about marriage because we're getting really serious. He's never had any serious relationships in the past and he doesn't really have many friends either.

[adilaurentis]

While it seems he's got some legitimate concerns through this job which I'm sure he wants to keep, I think that in the final analysis, what is going on is that he's managing your expectations.

 

So cool--you're not looking to get hitched soon. I say enjoy what you do have if it's enjoyable as it is. If it isn't, then perhaps it's time to start looking at someone who doesn't have to or want to jump through government hoops.

 

I'd completely scale back any talk about friends and engagements with him since he's taking that as you dropping hints to him that you're wanting this from him. In the meantime, you need to figure out if you're cool with things as they are right now because he may not get to the point where he wants to go through whatever it is he's got to go through to marry a foreigner if his job is going to climb through his and your backgrounds and your family's background, etc.

 

Very true. He immediately felt better after I said that I'm not looking to get married soon. He said he feels like he needs to get his career lined up well in order to be a good husband, a good father, and to be able to provide for his family. And in order to do that, he needs to have a job and the clearances are a must. Without a job he may never feel ready for a family.

 

I agree that I probably won't ever mention anything related to my friends' personal lives to him now, especially regarding dating/relationship/marriage type of topics or updates. But that sure is a legit concern that the prospect of his job situation has put a lot of uncertainties into our relationship, and I need to evaluate if it's worth it to stay in something that may fall apart at some point down the road.

[preraph]

Not really in a rush but I'm 30 and don't want to wait until I'm almost 40 or something to get married and think about kids. I feel like I can wait for another year or two while I continue to figure out our compatibilities and such but who knows. I do think marriage is a huge commitment and a lot of responsibilities, and I've also learned a few things from my friends who have been divorced.

 

The relationship is really good besides this issue. We've been progressing steadily and consistently which is also why he suddenly feels a lot of pressure about marriage because we're getting really serious. He's never had any serious relationships in the past and he doesn't really have many friends either.

 

I think if you remove all pressure from him (because it can actually cause cold feet too), he is more likely with you totally backing off to come at you with any commitment down the road a little ways than if you keep up the pressure. You can certainly set yourself a time limit and say to yourself, if we're not engaged by Jan 1, 2019, it's time for me to bail.

[MJJean]

"You are Canadian, may be unaware of cultural differences"......this made me laugh. Do you think we are all whities living in igloos and drive dog sleds? Man alive you need to come check out Vancouver/ the lower mainland BC.

 

Actually, I'm about 20 minutes from the Ambassador Bridge and fun and games in Ontario.

 

Frankly, Canadian law offers more protection for employees and renters than most US states offer by far. Canadian folks here are often surprised at the differences between us legally and socially.

 

MJjean, please. The American laws aren't that much different than ours. Your CIA and our CSIS are closely connected and work in collaborations.

 

Collaboration between government agencies doesn't equal similar laws and that's not even taking into account civilian contractor positions that require clearance. Often, civilian contactors are operating under stricter rules imposed by their employers than some government agency employees. In other words, just because the government would allow something doesn't mean the company will if he's working for a civilian contracting co.

 

Even in cases where the written law is similar, cultural differences mean those laws might not be applied the same way.

 

 

Interesting. I think that potential prospect is exactly what my boyfriend fears, and he is also concerned that he may not get into another industry easily if he's lost all he has now career-wise. May I ask where your uncle's wife was from? I heard that usually it shouldn't be a problem if the spouse is from a U.S. friendly country.

 

She was from South Korea. There was a man who worked with him who also left for the same reasons who was married to a Latvian lady.

[adilaurentis]

I think if you remove all pressure from him (because it can actually cause cold feet too), he is more likely with you totally backing off to come at you with any commitment down the road a little ways than if you keep up the pressure. You can certainly set yourself a time limit and say to yourself, if we're not engaged by Jan 1, 2019, it's time for me to bail.

 

Good point. I can certainly do that. However, the hard part for me now is the uncertainties with his job situation. I keep thinking that if there's a possibility that we may have to part ways some day because of his job then why should we even try to continue now? Wouldn't it be a lot worse if we waited until years later when we would have been together for so long already, which makes breaking up even harder and more painful?

 

I'm not someone that deals with uncertainties well and tend to prepare myself for the worst, which sucks. Some of my friends recommended that I need to trust him to make the best decision for him and for us right now, and stop talking about this issue. But it's hard for me to be all optimistic all of a sudden and keep being so lovey-dovey.

 

His logic is that he has to keep his job and build a career in order to "feel like a man" and be ready to get married; if he's lost his job because of me and won't get another fulfilling job then he's probably never going to feel ready to settle down.

[Gaeta]

Very true. He immediately felt better after I said that I'm not looking to get married soon. He said he feels like he needs to get his career lined up well in order to be a good husband, a good father, and to be able to provide for his family. And in order to do that, he needs to have a job and the clearances are a must. Without a job he may never feel ready for a family.

 

There are plenty of good jobs at the government that don't need top level clearances. It's his plan to get those clearances, he is chosing to have a position with high clearances. I am sure it's been a long career plan for him. If he knows all the obstacles to get there with a foreigh GF or Wife then why did he start a relationship with you?

 

I think he never intended to be serious with you. I am afraid you are Miss Right Now.

 

A man that wants to be with you would be more comforting. He'd say things like don't worry we're gonna make it work somehow. He wouldn't say things like stop pressuring me.

Edited June 23, 2017 by Gaeta

[kendahke]

There are plenty of good jobs at the government that don't need top level clearances. It's his plan to get those clearances, he is chosing to have a position with high clearances. I am sure it's been a long career plan for him. If he knows all the obstacles to get there with a foreigh GF or Wife then why did he start a relationship with you?

 

I think he never intended to be serious with you. I am afraid you are Miss Right Now.

 

A man that wants to be with you would be more comforting. He'd say things like don't worry we're gonna make it work somehow. He wouldn't say things like stop pressuring me.

 

I don't think it's anyone's place to tell a stranger to tell their boyfriend to give up his dream job. That sets up eventual bitterness and resentfulness, which is far worse to live through than waiting until the guy has his ducks in a row in order for him to be the kind of husband, father and provider that HE wants to be. I"d rather wait and have him whole and happy in his career than to have him half arsed and hard to get along with because I had to have my way.

[smackie9]

I have American friends, and I am a news/history geek, like a lot of Canadians are. We are next door for f sakes, of course we are going to be observing the differences in the laws...we travel there a lot because our Major cities are all along the border...I live just mins away from the Peach Arch border crossing. We go down for the cheap gas, milk and cheese lol.

[Gaeta]

I don't think it's anyone's place to tell a stranger to tell their boyfriend to give up his dream job. That sets up eventual bitterness and resentfulness, which is far worse to live through than waiting until the guy has his ducks in a row in order for him to be the kind of husband, father and provider that HE wants to be. I"d rather wait and have him whole and happy in his career than to have him half arsed and hard to get along with because I had to have my way.

 

I have never ever told OP to ask her bf to change his career plans if those are important to him.

 

I put my career plans on hold 10 years to follow a military husband around. Some people are willing to make career sacrifices for the sake of the relationship. If ever he is the type of man that would make such sacrifice then there are very interesting jobs available to him at the government without the need of top clearances.

 

We are learning through this thread that probebly her BF does not want to make sacrifices for the sake of the relationship so knowing OP is an obsticle to his dream career why did he start dating her?

 

My answer to this question is he never intented to make it serious with OP. A look at her history convinced me of that.

[smackie9]

I don't think it's anyone's place to tell a stranger to tell their boyfriend to give up his dream job. That sets up eventual bitterness and resentfulness, which is far worse to live through than waiting until the guy has his ducks in a row in order for him to be the kind of husband, father and provider that HE wants to be. I"d rather wait and have him whole and happy in his career than to have him half arsed and hard to get along with because I had to have my way.

Two different points of views....It's all depends on personality, coping skills, clear thinking, having a game plan and good communication.

 

As usually good communication needs to come into play in order for this to work to see if anyone is wasting their time or not.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't know whether this adds anything to the discussion, but it may be relevant that back when I had a Top Secret clearance (Naval Intelligence/DIA), I saw a hell of a lot more documents stamped "NOFORN" (not to be shared with foreign nationals) than I did "Top Secret".

 

 

The powers that be seem to take that sort of thing pretty seriously.

[adilaurentis]

We are learning through this thread that probebly her BF does not want to make sacrifices for the sake of the relationship so knowing OP is an obsticle to his dream career why did he start dating her?

 

I'm under the impression as well that he's not going to make career sacrifices for the sake of our relationship. In his defense though, he kept asking me if I'm still willing to be with him if he became a waiter, or was selling insurances, or in any kind of professional that's less than "noble" in some people's eyes. I think he's genuinely concerned that either he loses his current job because of my status, or he gets another job (potentially not as decent) and I'll leave him.

 

I really believe that he was seriously interested in me when we met and he decided to keep going and see what happens. At the moment when we first met, he only needed to report this as a foreign contact bound by affection, and he's recently told me that he'd realized the potential trouble this might cause for his job all along. The need to get this sorted out has become especially urgent lately due to the escalation of our relationship.

[adilaurentis]

I don't know whether this adds anything to the discussion, but it may be relevant that back when I had a Top Secret clearance (Naval Intelligence/DIA), I saw a hell of a lot more documents stamped "NOFORN" (not to be shared with foreign nationals) than I did "Top Secret".

 

 

The powers that be seem to take that sort of thing pretty seriously.

 

I wish there's more clear guidance with things like this. My BF said he'd tried to set up a meeting/discussion with a security officer or something for a while and never got a reply. He's heard of enough stories through coworkers or online forums but now just wants to get an official word from someone in charge and it seems impossible. Do they only take it seriously and trigger an investigation when the risk has already been posted (i.e. marrying a foreigner)?

[adilaurentis]

Two different points of views....It's all depends on personality, coping skills, clear thinking, having a game plan and good communication.

 

As usually good communication needs to come into play in order for this to work to see if anyone is wasting their time or not.

 

Definitely. I envy people who are usually quite optimistic with all kinds of obstacles in life. I'm a worrier and tend to look for the worst outcome of a situation before thinking about solutions. My boyfriend is the same way - he can be paranoid and overly cautious about a lot of things and he's not exactly the most confident person out there.

 

I know I should probably stop nagging about this issue and just see how things unfold naturally because the nagging creates tension between us. I just can't help it, though, thinking that something might not work in the end and I would have wasted my time.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I think this man is throwing a lot of excuses your way because he's not sure if a future with YOU is what he wants.

 

I'm going through this myself with the man I'm dating. So I understand.

 

I think for me, great guy but something feels off or hollow or empty. Marriage is important to me, but I almost think sometimes you have to know in your heart if YOU want to marry the person your dating too.

 

I feel if they are not ready for a serious commitment with you, then you shouldn't make a commitment with them.

 

It's hard to break up because I don't want to be alone but wasting time with someone who doesn't want a commitment is almost the same as being alone anyway.

[Timshel]

Definitely. I envy people who are usually quite optimistic with all kinds of obstacles in life. I'm a worrier and tend to look for the worst outcome of a situation before thinking about solutions. My boyfriend is the same way - he can be paranoid and overly cautious about a lot of things and he's not exactly the most confident person out there.

 

I know I should probably stop nagging about this issue and just see how things unfold naturally because the nagging creates tension between us. I just can't help it, though, thinking that something might not work in the end and I would have wasted my time.

 

No, that is enough. The only thing wrong is that you know deep down that he isn't into you.

That's why you posted. You already know the truth and it's nonsense that within a year and a half you are scratching your head about this.

 

Love is not hard and it does find a way, despite a surprising amount of 'obstacles.'

 

Make plans to leave this relationship, i'm sorry. Do not marry a man who isn't beating your door down to marry you. He should be the nervous one, not you, he should be wondering if you will have him...not you.

[preraph]

I have to say though that there's a whole lot of men who aren't that keen on marrying anyone if they can keep from losing the woman without doing so.

[Miss Peach]

if i was really into her and of the right age id be happy she is talking about that. pressure? its all relative depending on how much i like that person. he isnt that into her. he feels pressure because he isnt there yet and mmost likely wont ever get there.

 

My ex BF wanted to marry me. He would bring it up from time to time and got mad I didn't seem to be doing that too. There are men out there who want to get married and it's not a form of 'pressure'.

 

I still don't think it's too early to see what he thinking about the possibility of marriage in general and to you OP. It doesn't mean he has to be certain but he should know enough to figure out if he could see it happening.

[fred123]

My ex BF wanted to marry me. He would bring it up from time to time and got mad I didn't seem to be doing that too. There are men out there who want to get married and it's not a form of 'pressure'.

 

I still don't think it's too early to see what he thinking about the possibility of marriage in general and to you OP. It doesn't mean he has to be certain but he should know enough to figure out if he could see it happening.

 

so im assuming from your story your ex bf wanted to marry you but you weren't feeling it? would be nice to hear your story too

[Gaeta]

I'm under the impression as well that he's not going to make career sacrifices for the sake of our relationship. In his defense though, he kept asking me if I'm still willing to be with him if he became a waiter, or was selling insurances, or in any kind of professional that's less than "noble" in some people's eyes. I think he's genuinely concerned that either he loses his current job because of my status, or he gets another job (potentially not as decent) and I'll leave him.

That's just a load of BS. He is trying to make you feel guilty by insinuating if he would lose his job he'd end up flipping burgers at MacDonald. He goes from one extreame from another. If he loses SOME of his security clearanc he could still stay at the government but with a different type of job, he'd keep a good salary, his pension plan and all his social benefits. He is being dramatic.

 

He does not want a regular job, he want so play James Bond and James Bond don't marry. So let him play James Bond.

 

I really believe that he was seriously interested in me when we met and he decided to keep going and see what happens. At the moment when we first met, he only needed to report this as a foreign contact bound by affection, and he's recently told me that he'd realized the potential trouble this might cause for his job all along. The need to get this sorted out has become especially urgent lately due to the escalation of our relationship.

 

He is more worried about the impact it will have on his job than the risk of losing you.

 

He will not make any type of sacrifice for you. He is career oriented and he wants top clearance, make it easy for him and break up. The children and the beautiful house on top of a hill he is seeing in his future aren't with you. You know that right? He's ok with keeping status quo with you as long as his job will let him. If it goesn another 5 years he'll keep it status quo 5 years. It's to his advantage, not yours though as a woman looking forward to marriage and motherhood.