Drowning....

[LonerStoner]

It seems that you all have reached the consensus that I am weak and stupid for attempting to reconcile.

 

 

Yes I have decided to try and reconcile. Every single negative thing about reconciliation that your guys have thrown out there, I have considered. Despite the possibility of a negative outcome, I still would like to try.

 

 

The whole point of me making this post was to get advice on how to cope, not to be informed of every possible way this could go bad over and over and over and over and over again. Don't you think I know this? I know this situation is pretty shi-tty and things will never be like how they were. I know the innocence of the relationship is gone. I know that what she did was pretty f-ed up, and I am not to blame. I know that its a chance that she can do this again. But I'd like to try and make it work.

 

 

Yes I'm hurt, yes I have trouble with the mind movies, yes I'm angry 1 minute, sad the next, happy the next and what ever other emotion I could possible have. I haven't forgiven her yet, I haven't let go of the situation, I haven't just swept it under the rug. Its only been 3 months since D-day, I know this takes time. Just was looking for advice on how to cope after you decide to reconcile given that your wife is doing a lot of the heavy lifting. If that makes me a weak, stupid individual then so be it. All the things I felt after being cheated on I thought every BS feels like regardless of reconciliation or not. But I guess the fact that I decided to reconcile that makes me a weak individual.

 

 

Yes my wife did a horrible thing, but it could have been much worse. You probably will say I have my rose colored glasses on, but reading most of these story's on here, YES it could of been worse. I was fortunate enough to not have to snoop. She stopped on her own and told me. Some may say it was selfishly to relieve some guilt, but hey if that's the case at least the guilt outweighed the pleasures of the relationship. She told me about the affair, blocked the guy on all social media, shut down her social media accounts, and changed her number....without me asking. Even though there shouldn't be a 1st choice or 2nd choice, I should be her all no matter what, but given the f-ed up situation I do feel like I'm her first choice. That sounds ridiculous saying that but whatever... 95% of the people on this board cant say that.

[BluesPower]

We don't mean to be harsh.

 

And maybe you are right. Maybe R is the right thing to do.

 

But with an affair like this, and the way that you have been responding, it is obvious that you have been a weak man through out your marriage.

 

I don't say that to be mean, I say that to help you understand that you cannot live your life like that and expect to be happy.

 

When your wife started complaining about you, she was already involved in the affair. Where her complaints valid, maybe but that is not the point.

 

If you made mistakes you made them, but being weak with any woman is not the way to go, and many many of the men here have made those mistakes.

 

Question is: How much do you know about the affair? How do you know if you know everything or if it is true.

 

Why did she confess and block him? Because he dumped her and she is pissed? If that is the case... If he had not dumped her would she still be screwing him. Does his wife know?

 

All of these questions have to be answered and in order to know the truth, she needs to take a polygraph. You still after 3 month do not have these answers and you have no idea what you are trying to forgive.

 

Has she had any other affairs? You don't know.

 

Until you understand the answers to all of the questions I and others have put to you, you really don't understand what happened.

 

Listen I have made these mistakes myself, I am guilty of being a fool just like you. But you know what... not any more.

 

Here is an example for me: New GF is concerned about some of my past behavior. (I was a bit whorish at times, not proud of it.)

 

So she needs so time to decide if we are going to do this long term. I gave her about a week, then it was "See you later". Well why be so hard about it? BECASUE I WONT LET SOMEONE KEEP ME ON A STRING.

 

Same thing with this situation you are in. I will bet that you already took her back in your heart because she did all those great things to block her new lover.

 

Who cares... The damage is done girl. If she wants YOU back she has to earn it. And the things she has done so far are just the basics. Just the first step. She has not even started the hard work yet.

 

Do you see where some of us are coming from? We are telling you these things for your own good...

[DKT3]

I think the problem is, no matter how you attempt to hide it you are trying to rugsweep this situation. Your wife isn't being honest, she has s minimizing her affair. Second problem is you day not want to know. I told you at the start of your thread. It has been suggested how to get all the truth and you've ignored or blown it off.

 

He has s what's going to happen. You will continue on this path things will get better you will feel like you're on your way and than boom what you thought was a two month romp will actually have been your entire three year marriage, or that she continued after you knew.

 

You can't R when you don't have truth, it's building a house on a minefield, one day boom and all the painful work was for nothing

[Chaparral]

The big thing that stands out here is when she says the affair started and when she actually started showing red flags of an affair much earlier.

If you think you will catch her if she does it again beware that studies show only one in five affairs are actually caught.

You are in month three, counselors claim it takes 4-5 years to get over and recover from an affair.

I hate to see you divorce but you barely got past the honeymoon and a new baby before she went cougar on you. On a one to ten scale what number would you put on how much she loves considering she had no problem bedding a much younger man simply for kicks and giggles. What was her family worth to her if she would trade it all for a roll in the hay?

Go ahead and try reconciliation but read up on it on reconciliation threads and wayward wife threads. Also, you are free to bail at anytime. Adultery gives you a get out of jail card anytime you need to use it.

 

If you read a few other threads, you will notice every cheater lies about how many times, where, almost every detail etc. in order to save themselves from total disgrace.

 

At least get download the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and see what you might have done differently and how to keep a woman interested.

It's a relationship guide that's a bit misnamed. It isn't a sex manual haha.

 

Good luck but refuse any BS.

[drifter777]

Just because we cannot deliver a miracle - telling you how to cope with what she did - doesn't mean we're attacking your decision. What most of mean is that coping with what she did is NOT up to you alone. It is NOT something that you just have to "get over".

 

You don't even know that you are sweeping your emotions under the rug and hoping time will heal this wound. You don't understand that you are in denial of the real damage this has done to you. Ignorance is bliss - for a short while. Maybe come back and read this down the road when you are desperately grasping for real advice. When you cannot make it through a day without feeling a powerful contempt for her and a searing hatred of yourself for being such a fool. Until then, via con dios...

[Jersey born raised]

Have you tried reading the second chances forum?

 

What books have you read? How have you educated yourself?

[Oberfeldwebel]

I know that many have advised that this relationship can't be saved. While statistically they may be correct, that doesn't mean it can't happen in your case. Additionally, it does not mean that you shouldn't try. Is there a chance that reconciliation will fail? Certainly and it is possible that you could be hurt further and that is part of the reason that folks advise you to leave as they know the pain of failed reconciliation.

 

However, if you have a failed reconciliation or divorce immediately you are going to have a rough row to hoe either way. I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties work to fix the problems. While she is responsible for this mess, both of you are going to have to work to rebuild this relationship. If you are not in counseling, I highly recommend that you do so to help guide the reconciliation.

 

You two are going to have to learn to be brutally honest with one another. Also you have to learn that she can't fix you, only you can fix you. You know this woman better than anybody here, but you have to go into this with your eyes wide open. You are both going to have good days and bad days, but the bottom line is the relationship has to mean more to each of you than your own desires.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Lonestoner...

 

I had an affair 33 years ago... a one night physical affair. I was 28 years old and i had two small children. I had been married 11 years when i cheated. I confessed.

 

I have been watching this thread...waiting...to see the kind of stuff you are made of. and you finally showed me.

 

You see...reconciliation is hard...really really hard...and it takes two people working at it who put the relationship above everything else. Which means...it takes two people worth their salt...two people who are not afraid to work hard and reap the benefits. Two people...committed to making it work,...no matter what anybody else says.

 

I think you just might have what it takes.....

 

Listen...no one knows how you feel...no one knows how your wife feels....no one knows what she really did ...but her. If she has given you enough information for you to make the decision to reconcile...thats all you need.

 

My husband never made me take a poly...he never DNA's his kids....we did not have cell phones and internet....he did not check the phone records or follow me around.

 

I told him what happened...and he made the decision to allow me to remain his wife.

 

We have made many mistakes these past 33 years...we did not do everything right....and many folks on forums...years later...advised him to divorce me.

 

There is a very wise woman around here named mercy...and one time she made a post that was incredibky enlightening and i share it with you....

 

DO you love your wife more than what you hate she did?

 

Because this my friend is TRULY the bottom line. Reconciliation in every sense of the word...not settling....not reug sweeping....not existing....True Reconciliation...a marriage that thrives and grows will really require you to love her more than you hate what she did.

 

There is no doubt in my mind my husband loves me more than he hates what i did....no doubt at all....and if you share this with your wife...if you tell her you love her more than you hate what she did...you will give her what she needs to know.

 

You see...being a wayward is difficult becasue we know we destroyed our husband and our marriage...but we dont know what is required to "fix" it...and often times our husbands dont know how to tell us what we need to do. It is kind of like the blind leading the blind. Thats why i tell you..it requires both of you to be totally committed to HELPING each other heal.

 

You need remorse from her ...she needs forgiveness from you....and this process takes a very long time. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair....I say it takes a lifetime...and I dont mean that in a negative way. It takes a lifetime of loving and patience and understanding...a lifetime of happy and sad....good and bad...a lifetime of learning...

 

I suggest you both read the book how the help your spouse heal from your affair...by linda macdonald. Talk about it...it is 95 pages long and availble on line free.

 

I suggest you both go to therapy....especially her...to figure out what happened within herself that allowed her to become a person that validated cheating.She really needs to work on herself.

 

She needs to become completely and totally transparent with you....all accounts...all passwords....her itinerary every day. She needs to answer all of your questions...honestly.

 

She needs to reset her boundaries...with very strict ones....no girls night outs....she has to rebuild trust....and the only way to do that is to prove to you that she understands what she has done and is never going to allow herself that opportunity again.

 

She will do these things because she wants to...not becasue you require them.

 

Remorse is a learning process....she has to deal with her own pain first....and she will begin to understand how much pain she has caused you as well. I am sure at this point she regrets what she has done...I am sure she is sorry...and she wishes she could undo it...but give her time to understand remorse. She will eventually get there.

 

This process is two steps forward and one step back. There are days you will question if it is worth it....but i can tell you...keep your eyes on the prize...stay focused on the love you have for each other and for you little family.

 

Remember this...you can ALWAYS change your mind and get a divorce. You can always pull the plug and say..I cant do this....and you will know that you tried your best to save this broken marriage...and none of this was your fault. She made the choice to cheat...it doesn't matter how terrible the relationship may have been...or not....she made the choice to cheat. Not you....this is completely her decision. She was willing to risk losing her family...to cheat. This is the part she has to live with the rest of her life...and this is the part she has to figure out....WHY....why she was willing to do risk it all. The bottom line of course is becaseu she wanted to....but you both will want to dig deeper to find out the whys...and you may never get the answers. Waywards often say why cant you just get over it? Well...you will never get over it....never. But you can learn to live with it. Time is your friend.....time does heal....

 

Anyway...I wish you the very best of luck...whether you decide to reconcile or divorce.

[LonerStoner]

We don't mean to be harsh.

 

And maybe you are right. Maybe R is the right thing to do.

 

But with an affair like this, and the way that you have been responding, it is obvious that you have been a weak man through out your marriage.

 

I don't say that to be mean, I say that to help you understand that you cannot live your life like that and expect to be happy.

 

When your wife started complaining about you, she was already involved in the affair. Where her complaints valid, maybe but that is not the point.

 

If you made mistakes you made them, but being weak with any woman is not the way to go, and many many of the men here have made those mistakes.

 

 

I am completely and utterly confused as to why you perceive me as weak. Is it because I expressed, my pain and vulnerability in this thread? I actually think it takes a strong individual to express vulnerability. Its super easy to pretend to not care and move on.

 

Is it because after she expressed her unhappiness with my lack of emotion and affection I tried to show more affection and emotion? I feel like anybody that cares about the relationship would do the same. There's no doubt in my mind that she was cheating then but I had no clue. She didn't change how she acted toward me. My attempt to make here happy wasn't me trying to "nice" her back. I was just trying to be a good spouse and make her happy.

 

 

Question is: How much do you know about the affair? How do you know if you know everything or if it is true.

 

 

I know everything that have posted thus far. I don't have any other info to disprove anything she told me. I am taking everything with a grain of salt

 

Why did she confess and block him? Because he dumped her and she is pissed? If that is the case... If he had not dumped her would she still be screwing him. Does his wife know?

 

 

I have answered these through out this post.

 

All of these questions have to be answered and in order to know the truth, she needs to take a polygraph. You still after 3 month do not have these answers and you have no idea what you are trying to forgive.

 

Has she had any other affairs? You don't know.

 

Until you understand the answers to all of the questions I and others have put to you, you really don't understand what happened.

 

Listen I have made these mistakes myself, I am guilty of being a fool just like you. But you know what... not any more.

 

Here is an example for me: New GF is concerned about some of my past behavior. (I was a bit whorish at times, not proud of it.)

 

So she needs so time to decide if we are going to do this long term. I gave her about a week, then it was "See you later". Well why be so hard about it? BECASUE I WONT LET SOMEONE KEEP ME ON A STRING.

 

Same thing with this situation you are in. I will bet that you already took her back in your heart because she did all those great things to block her new lover.

 

 

I don't understand how this example applies to my situation. How am I on a string? Yes my wife cheated, I decided to reconcile after assessing the situation.

 

Who cares... The damage is done girl. If she wants YOU back she has to earn it. And the things she has done so far are just the basics. Just the first step. She has not even started the hard work yet.

 

 

agreed!

 

Do you see where some of us are coming from? We are telling you these things for your own good...

 

 

I do understand where you are coming from. It just seems you are giving me all of the negative outcomes. I am not naive I have already considered every thing you are saying. My goal is to try and find ways to cope with these negative outcomes you gave me along with a few that I gave myself while trying to reconciles given that my wife is making an effort to fix things.

/QUOTE

[LonerStoner]

QUOTE=drifter777;7359412]Just because we cannot deliver a miracle - telling you how to cope with what she did - doesn't mean we're attacking your decision. What most of mean is that coping with what she did is NOT up to you alone. It is NOT something that you just have to "get over".

 

 

I know this. Just looking for advice from people that have tried to reconcile, I know there is no quick easy answer. I know that is not on me alone, but at some point you have to try and forgive especially if the wayward party is doing the heavy lifting. I know I am no where near forgiveness but I'd like to take a stab at it.

 

[wmacbride]

op,

you indicate you want to reconcile, and I am usually a huge fan of this.

 

As a first step, you need to be fully open with your wife and tell her how you feel. Leaving any anger or hurt inside will poison you, and wreck any chnace you both might have for a happy relationship with one another.

 

Second, see a lawyer asap. I'm not saying that to push you towards divorce, but because it will give you knowledge,and knowledge is power. It will also give you the knowledge that you have fully explored your options and are staying married because you want yo, not because you are stuck and have no other choice.

 

Third, spend some time thinking about what you need from your wife right now. That might chnace from day to day or even minute to minute right now,but let her know. She can't read your mind, and it's not fair to expect her to. If you need to , write it out and share it with her. Some couples keep a co journal, where they write thoughts they find to difficult to put into spoken words.

 

Fourth, find a counselor you both like. That can be hard sometimes, but they are out there. ( our first counselor was having an affair herself...we saw her out fawning all over some guy who wasn't her husband...we cancelled our next appointment as soon as we could...what's the saying about those who can do and those who can't teach:laugh::laugh:- just kidding-no insult intended to any teachers out there)

 

fifth, don't judge yourself and progress by anyone else's meter stick. As a bs, I can safely say there are times when it seems as if you are going back instead of forwards, but give it time.

 

My last piece of advice is to periodically take some time to take stock of how things are going. If you are moving forward, even if slowly, that's great. If you don't seem to be getting anywhere and a fair amount of time has passed, you might want to re-evaluate things.

 

two things to remember:

-her cheating was not your fault. that doesn't make her a bad person or mean you need to stop loving her,it just means that she has a lot of work to do on herself.

 

 

- you don't "have" to do anything. You don't have to forgive her, trust her or even love her anymore, but it sounds like you do. The forgiveness and trust will come in time- so long as she earns it. Give yourself the time to get there on your own, as if you force it, it may well end up falling apart.

 

best of luck to you and your wife

[Jersey born raised]

Forgiveness starts with acceptance from you of her adultery. A bitter pill that will cause your self-estem agita (heartburn indigestion) for decades on and off. Mrs Adams did not mention her husband a few years later committed adultery. She is always clear "reconcilation is a lifetime commitment". They both work on their marriage everyday, which is what every couple should do from day one. Which is why they are happy.

 

The hardest thing a BS can do is separate honest issues from the adultery and work on their own issues. When the WS points to these honest issues the BS only hears "it's your fault I did it". Well no, it is not your fault. It is your fault for not working on these issues but not the adultery.

 

There are many other points that need to be discussed but for now accept posters that are urging divoice are speaking from experience. Use these examples as common pitfalls to reconcilation to be avoided.

 

For now add "Not Just Friends" and 5 Love Languages to your reading list.

[Jersey born raised]

If you want more guidance on how to cope you need to read some of the material suggested, post your thoughts on it, share how applying is working out and ask for additional information. You need to provide more specific guidance to the posters. This is one of the reasons the only voices you hear are divioces.

 

Actions for yourself to take: random acts of kindness, make it a habit. What specific acts, read the materials suggested. (hint if you only speak russian and she only speaks English it is kinda hard to communicate)

[LonerStoner]

First of I would like to say thank you for your advice. I've been lurking around the board before I posted my story, and saw a couple of post from you. I was hoping you'd chime in and give your 2 cents. It's much appreciated!!! The true gem of this post...as simple as it may seem...is I need to make sure I love her more than I hate what she did. This is exactly why I'd like to try and reconcile. It's funny because it's seems so simple but I didn't realize through all the fog this is why I chose to reconcile. We are currently in MC and IC...and this is probably the best advice I have recieved. Thank you! I feel if we BOTH kept this in mind there just maybe a chance to make it.

 

Again this post is much appreciated...I should be paying you instead of the therapist :-)

 

Lonestoner...

 

I had an affair 33 years ago... a one night physical affair. I was 28 years old and i had two small children. I had been married 11 years when i cheated. I confessed.

 

I have been watching this thread...waiting...to see the kind of stuff you are made of. and you finally showed me.

 

You see...reconciliation is hard...really really hard...and it takes two people working at it who put the relationship above everything else. Which means...it takes two people worth their salt...two people who are not afraid to work hard and reap the benefits. Two people...committed to making it work,...no matter what anybody else says.

 

I think you just might have what it takes.....

 

Listen...no one knows how you feel...no one knows how your wife feels....no one knows what she really did ...but her. If she has given you enough information for you to make the decision to reconcile...thats all you need.

 

My husband never made me take a poly...he never DNA's his kids....we did not have cell phones and internet....he did not check the phone records or follow me around.

 

I told him what happened...and he made the decision to allow me to remain his wife.

 

We have made many mistakes these past 33 years...we did not do everything right....and many folks on forums...years later...advised him to divorce me.

 

There is a very wise woman around here named mercy...and one time she made a post that was incredibky enlightening and i share it with you....

 

DO you love your wife more than what you hate she did?

 

Because this my friend is TRULY the bottom line. Reconciliation in every sense of the word...not settling....not reug sweeping....not existing....True Reconciliation...a marriage that thrives and grows will really require you to love her more than you hate what she did.

 

There is no doubt in my mind my husband loves me more than he hates what i did....no doubt at all....and if you share this with your wife...if you tell her you love her more than you hate what she did...you will give her what she needs to know.

 

You see...being a wayward is difficult becasue we know we destroyed our husband and our marriage...but we dont know what is required to "fix" it...and often times our husbands dont know how to tell us what we need to do. It is kind of like the blind leading the blind. Thats why i tell you..it requires both of you to be totally committed to HELPING each other heal.

 

You need remorse from her ...she needs forgiveness from you....and this process takes a very long time. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair....I say it takes a lifetime...and I dont mean that in a negative way. It takes a lifetime of loving and patience and understanding...a lifetime of happy and sad....good and bad...a lifetime of learning...

 

I suggest you both read the book how the help your spouse heal from your affair...by linda macdonald. Talk about it...it is 95 pages long and availble on line free.

 

I suggest you both go to therapy....especially her...to figure out what happened within herself that allowed her to become a person that validated cheating.She really needs to work on herself.

 

She needs to become completely and totally transparent with you....all accounts...all passwords....her itinerary every day. She needs to answer all of your questions...honestly.

 

She needs to reset her boundaries...with very strict ones....no girls night outs....she has to rebuild trust....and the only way to do that is to prove to you that she understands what she has done and is never going to allow herself that opportunity again.

 

She will do these things because she wants to...not becasue you require them.

 

Remorse is a learning process....she has to deal with her own pain first....and she will begin to understand how much pain she has caused you as well. I am sure at this point she regrets what she has done...I am sure she is sorry...and she wishes she could undo it...but give her time to understand remorse. She will eventually get there.

 

This process is two steps forward and one step back. There are days you will question if it is worth it....but i can tell you...keep your eyes on the prize...stay focused on the love you have for each other and for you little family.

 

Remember this...you can ALWAYS change your mind and get a divorce. You can always pull the plug and say..I cant do this....and you will know that you tried your best to save this broken marriage...and none of this was your fault. She made the choice to cheat...it doesn't matter how terrible the relationship may have been...or not....she made the choice to cheat. Not you....this is completely her decision. She was willing to risk losing her family...to cheat. This is the part she has to live with the rest of her life...and this is the part she has to figure out....WHY....why she was willing to do risk it all. The bottom line of course is becaseu she wanted to....but you both will want to dig deeper to find out the whys...and you may never get the answers. Waywards often say why cant you just get over it? Well...you will never get over it....never. But you can learn to live with it. Time is your friend.....time does heal....

 

Anyway...I wish you the very best of luck...whether you decide to reconcile or divorce.

[Mrs. John Adams]

First of I would like to say thank you for your advice. I've been lurking around the board before I posted my story, and saw a couple of post from you. I was hoping you'd chime in and give your 2 cents. It's much appreciated!!! The true gem of this post...as simple as it may seem...is I need to make sure I love her more than I hate what she did. This is exactly why I'd like to try and reconcile. It's funny because it's seems so simple but I didn't realize through all the fog this is why I chose to reconcile. We are currently in MC and IC...and this is probably the best advice I have recieved. Thank you! I feel if we BOTH kept this in mind there just maybe a chance to make it.

 

Again this post is much appreciated...I should be paying you instead of the therapist :-)

 

the best payment would be...that the two of you live happily ever after

I cannot begin to tell you how blessed John and i are...and if we could make it...so can you! Dont you dare let anyone kill your hope!

[LonerStoner]

Thanks for taking the time to post. Everything you suggested is indeed helpful. Yesterday I have decided to start a journal. I feel I need an outlet for all of my swirling thoughts, more so the thoughts that lead to the same conversations with my wife that get us nowhere. She has been very patient in answering any questions I have but I find myself asking the same questions over and over. If I don't ask them, I bottle them up which doesn't feel too nice. So I'm going trying and get everything out on paper and see how that helps.

 

 

That is a marriage counseling horror story. She cant possibly think someone is going to take her serious. We are both in MC and IC, we both like our therapist so far.

 

 

op,

you indicate you want to reconcile, and I am usually a huge fan of this.

 

As a first step, you need to be fully open with your wife and tell her how you feel. Leaving any anger or hurt inside will poison you, and wreck any chnace you both might have for a happy relationship with one another.

 

Second, see a lawyer asap. I'm not saying that to push you towards divorce, but because it will give you knowledge,and knowledge is power. It will also give you the knowledge that you have fully explored your options and are staying married because you want yo, not because you are stuck and have no other choice.

 

Third, spend some time thinking about what you need from your wife right now. That might chnace from day to day or even minute to minute right now,but let her know. She can't read your mind, and it's not fair to expect her to. If you need to , write it out and share it with her. Some couples keep a co journal, where they write thoughts they find to difficult to put into spoken words.

 

Fourth, find a counselor you both like. That can be hard sometimes, but they are out there. ( our first counselor was having an affair herself...we saw her out fawning all over some guy who wasn't her husband...we cancelled our next appointment as soon as we could...what's the saying about those who can do and those who can't teach:laugh::laugh:- just kidding-no insult intended to any teachers out there)

 

fifth, don't judge yourself and progress by anyone else's meter stick. As a bs, I can safely say there are times when it seems as if you are going back instead of forwards, but give it time.

 

My last piece of advice is to periodically take some time to take stock of how things are going. If you are moving forward, even if slowly, that's great. If you don't seem to be getting anywhere and a fair amount of time has passed, you might want to re-evaluate things.

 

two things to remember:

-her cheating was not your fault. that doesn't make her a bad person or mean you need to stop loving her,it just means that she has a lot of work to do on herself.

 

 

- you don't "have" to do anything. You don't have to forgive her, trust her or even love her anymore, but it sounds like you do. The forgiveness and trust will come in time- so long as she earns it. Give yourself the time to get there on your own, as if you force it, it may well end up falling apart.

 

best of luck to you and your wife

[LonerStoner]

I couldn't agree with you more...

 

 

This is definitely the hardest part. In my situation there were valid issues before she stepped out. So when trying to work on my issues my ego kicks in and says, she should be making me happy right now, her happiness at the moment doesn't matter. But then I realize it take 2, and try my best to remove the ego from the equation.

 

 

I will look into getting both books and educate myself more on the topic.

 

 

Forgiveness starts with acceptance from you of her adultery. A bitter pill that will cause your self-estem agita (heartburn indigestion) for decades on and off. Mrs Adams did not mention her husband a few years later committed adultery. She is always clear "reconcilation is a lifetime commitment". They both work on their marriage everyday, which is what every couple should do from day one. Which is why they are happy.

 

 

The hardest thing a BS can do is separate honest issues from the adultery and work on their own issues. When the WS points to these honest issues the BS only hears "it's your fault I did it". Well no, it is not your fault. It is your fault for not working on these issues but not the adultery.

 

There are many other points that need to be discussed but for now accept posters that are urging divoice are speaking from experience. Use these examples as common pitfalls to reconcilation to be avoided.

 

For now add "Not Just Friends" and 5 Love Languages to your reading list.

 

 

[Oberfeldwebel]

How are things going Loner?

[misspalmy]

hope you kick the cheating wife out, could you ever trust her again not to hurt you, and she try to blame you by saying you dont tell her you dont love her, she choose to cheat,

[Vincentstreet]

I am going make a wild claim here and say that your lack of manly principle and decisiveness is exactly why your wife has gone out and cheated on you in the first place. I understand emotional turmoil... but all this mushy soul searching here is only enabling her to have you in a knot. Lets all face it.. people cheat because they inevitably feel they can get away with it or they plain dont care. Why did she feel like she could get away with it ? Cos she thinks you are a man without the character to challenge her physically emotionally and intellectually.

 

I say kick her out, or leave... get yourself sorted, gym, hobbies, get your confidence back. She will soon see what she threw away and if you feel like it .. perhaps consider getting back. crazy thought... you may even NOT want her anymore.

 

The fact that you so willingly want to R... you prove your weak as an aplha male, a provider, a carer and a protector...

Harsh I know.. but someone had to say it.