Drowning....

[LonerStoner]

Thanks for this post. I really appreciate this prospective. I think it's a great idea to ask her now that I am missing trust out of the relationship and unhappy, what should I do to fix this. Im sure her answer wont be to go out and find someone else to help fix our marriage.

 

 

I tell her all the time she doesn't understand how I feel because I haven't cheated on her. She agrees with this, and continues to do whatever it takes to help me get over this. I do believe she is truly sorry for her actions. Can I say she wont do it again, NO. She has to earn this trust back if can ever be fully restored, IDK.

 

 

If you don't mind me asking, did you wife step out on you because she wasn't being fulfilled? If so, how were you able to deal with the hurt of being cheated on and also work on the things that were missing in the marriage at the same time.

 

 

Is it possible to do this at the same time you are grieving an affair? How do you provide affection and try and create an higher level of intimacy with someone that hurt you so bad.

 

 

Congrats on having a long fulfilling marriage, this gives me hope.

 

 

I am sorry you are faced with this. She was unhappy and was missing something so she cheated with another man. Tell her that now you are unhappy and you feel like something very important is missing in the marriage. Ask her what she thinks you should do to compensate for these feelings. She had an answer for the way she felt, and now you are asking for an answer for how you feel. For real, ask her. The wayward spouse seems to never put themselves in the shoes of the one they are cheating on. They really have no way of truly feeling how much damage they have done to the psyche of the one they are suppose to love. I think she is truly sorry and only you know if you have the love for her and the fortitude it will take to get by this. You have to consider that you are not to blame for the affair but you are responsible to show your wife that you love and appreciate her, everyday. I made some of your mistakes in the early years of my marriage and we had to face some of the challenges that you now face. It can be overcome and if you work at it you can have a marriage that will be stronger and a love that will hold fast. We have now been married for over 50 years and everyday I hold and kiss my wife, several times a day, tell her how much I love and appreciate her. After our troubles, we embarked on a honeymoon that is still going today. The secret is love and honest communication, everyday. Talk to her and ask her how she would feel if she was faced with what you feel. On a lighter side, I had a friend whose wife had an affair. He told her that under the circumstances she owed him sex with another women, the same number of times she had. He told her that he would never collect on the debt as long as there remained only two people in their marriage. They are still together and he has never collected on her debt. Remember, the key to a good marriage is love and honest communication from both of you. I do wish you well.

[zombiehead]

DNA test your child to make sure it is yours. I don't know if you said if her affair partner is married or not, if he is expose to his spouse. If you don't then you are an accomplice to the betrayal.

 

Is she being 100% transparent? Has she told you the complete truth? Did you ask her if she has cheated before?

 

I know others have mentioned having her take a polygraph test, but in my opinion if you have to strap your spouse up to a lie detector machine then pretty much the marriage is already dead, what's the point?

[LonerStoner]

I totally agree with this. My emotion health and a stability is way more important.

 

 

Do not sacrifice focusing on you getting better and then also trying to deal with being cheated on by diverting efforts to fix the marriage.

 

My suggestion is for you to make you and your child the top priority right now…If working on the marriage is interfering with your building yourself back up then the work on fixing the marriage is going to have to wait…You may be tempted to compromise with her because you are hurting so bad and want some relief; resist that temptation…There is no way you are going to get rid of the hurt this year so strive to build up your self-esteem and do not be side tracked by your wife’s issues and responsibilities.

 

You are in a battle for your emotional health and you cannot depend on your wife to help you with that; if she does then fine but you have to invest yourself in someone that you can trust most and that would be you…If you can get professional help and from your family, friends, and faith. Also, find someone that has been cheated on and has had a successful R or D for years and get their information so that you can take what is best for you.

 

The bottom line is for you to work on getting to a stage where you can live with her or without her and not be in constant pain. Make sure that you make yourself number one because you care more for you than she cares for you.

[DKT3]

Polygraphs don't actually need to be taken. I once you mention it to a WW you can judge from the reaction where you are in terms of thier honesty. Secondly, most of the time cheaters have to control the information so after they get angry(if they aren't being honest) you will get a little more truth.

 

If I'm being honest, I feel like OP doesn't really want to know. We see this alot here from BH. Scared to really know, so they make excuses like if I do that the marriage is over...what I translate that too is I'm scared of how she will react. This fear keeps a lot of BS from taking the steps to improve the situation.

 

If you don't take control these things can get ugly. You can't believe anything you can not verify. Being open with her phone means nothing..could have a second phone. Blocking on social media means nothing, could have secret accounts. We have seen all of that here.

[LonerStoner]

This would be easy to do if we didn't have a child.

 

 

It gets worse now, as I have my say !...

 

 

Loner, you currently have a dead "Fish" .

It stinks a little now, but wait. Every day that stench will eat away you fresh air, and regardless on how you "Dress" it, "Hide" it, tell yourself its a "Rose", its still a DEAD FISH, and the smell will linger until you throw it away.

 

 

She freakin had Sex with another man, and more than once.

They weren't playing peanuckle during their many encounters.

 

 

Did she comfort you then ?, also did she say she "Loved you" ?. NO, but, then she went back to this guy (And Possibly others, did you think of that ?) and continued to "Love you", and comfort you from the other guys bedroom, while allowing another man to DO HER !.

 

 

I'm sorry, salvage what ?. I can possibly see it, if it happened (Sex) once, and she fessed up like right away, but she didn't.

 

 

She went back for more, again, and again, and again, and again.

 

 

But hey, she loved you right ?, and she wanted the marriage to work so she showed another man some new sex tricks, just to stay up to speed in case you wanted some sex. .

Mind you, she couldn't say she was cheating then, because she had something else in her mouth preventing her from talking.

 

 

Yeah, what I said was crass, but its not a lie.

 

 

The LEAST you should do, is to leave for a while, and think it out on your own, without her there.

I believe you think you cant get anyone else, and is why your hanging on to the threads of a destroyed marriage, and again, that SHE destroyed.

You can, and there's plenty of guys here that did it, and are happy again with new women in their lives.

 

 

Leave her, and look at your options.

 

 

Cause at the moment, it looks like you lying down in front of your front door !.

If you decide to give it another try, you will at least show you took some decent action by leaving her.

 

 

She loves you dude....What utter CRAP !.

 

 

And MC my ASS !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[LonerStoner]

Married for 3 years...we are in our early 30's.

 

We are in the process of trying to reconcile. We are in MC, she's seems to be doing everything right. But I am just struggling with myself right now. I am on an emotion roller coaster.

 

No I don't know the guy. He's actually in his early 20's and has absolutely nothing to offer other than the obvious. She claims the fact that she knew this relationship would go no where made it easier to go through with.

 

 

Hi Lonerstoner, guess you are caught in a situation of being placed between a rock and a hard place. I am sorry if I missed it but I wanted to ask you how long have you been married? Also how old are you and your wife? It is early days right now so it is understandable that you are faced with conflicting emotions. You have been given good advice by folks on here and you should take your time to reflect on it all before you decide on a course of action. One thing is certain. Do not commit to reconciliation with your wife right now. Keep the option of divorce with you. Your wife's actions from here on out will determine whether she is prepared to make the effort to actually repair the marriage.. Both of you have to work to heal the marriage but her work load is much much more than yours. Her commitment to the marriage will reflect in her actions going forward.

 

 

I also wanted to ask you if you know who her AP was? Is he married? If so have you thought of informing his BS about the affair? Was it a workplace affair or was he an outsider? If it was a workplace affair and this guy was your wife's superior you may like to report him to the company.

 

 

Remember to look after yourself, eat properly, exercise and in general try and do things which make you feel good. Take your time about your future course of action and do not commit one way or another to your wife as to what your future plans are. Warm wishes.

[wmacbride]

op,

From what you say you both want to reconcile. That can be a wonderful thing, but in my experience, for it to really work out well, your wife needs to do a lot of work on herself. It's easy to say " I will never cheat again", but that doesn't make it so. She needs to figure out why she cheated, and take responsibility for it. By that I mean she has to accept that her behavior can't be blamed on anyone but herself.

 

The process of reconciling can be painfully slow, but that's the nature of the beast. Think of your marriage like a house, and your wife blew it up. You want to rebuild, so look at the foundation. Do you feel there is enough there to do so? If you think there is, then you and your wife really need to try and decide what you want the finished structure to look like. What do you both feel is important? How will you get there? What will you both do to maintain the rebuilt home?

 

It might sometimes seem like one step forward, two steps back, but if you want to reconcile, you owe it to your son, and yourselves, to give it your best shot, and that means laying it all bare. You can't sweep your feelings under the rug, as they will fester and poison your relationship, and consequently, hurt your son. I'm to saying you should just dump it all on your wife, but that you need to be able to air your thoughts and feelings and have them respected.

[harrybrown]

did she get tested for stds?

 

did she use protection?

 

Did she do things with him that she did not do with you?

 

Did she finally admit to you that it was the best sex of her life?

 

She murdered your marriage. It is dead. You are pulling the old marriage around chained like a dead body changed to your leg.

 

Your marriage is dead! it will never be the same. You were still in the honeymoon stage of your marriage. Wait until you keep remembering this over and over. It hurts. You never forget.

 

You did not catch her this time. It will hurt so much more the next time.

 

You will keep hurting yourself by staying married to her. cut your losses.

 

She will do this again. She knows she can and you did not catch her.

 

She did not have to face D and having everyone know she cheated.

 

Did you have her tell her parents, your parents?

 

The anger comes later. So angry that she stabbed you in the back. and murdered your marriage.

 

So what is to stop her from cheating again? you did not file for D.

 

Did you expose? Did she have any pain or consequence? Just sweet memories of the sex with some hot guy. She can think about it when she is with you.

 

What has happened because she cheated? anything? Did she have a threesome with the AP? where does she keep her burner phone? She could be still in contact. It is difficult for her to give him up.

 

She lied to you before. She is still lying to you.

[barnabas17]

Oh my, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I'm glad you are opening up and seeking some support as this must feel like the deepest betrayal of trust. I think marital counselling is the right step, especially if it's from someone you both trust, a reputable pastor, an older married couple you both mutually respect....

 

Someone earlier made an insightful point regarding how, regardless, we must not be bitter about the past and that each person does change over time. Should forgiveness and renewed vows take place, you should start off fresh, forgiven though not forgotten, loving and not bitter. I found some solace in the truth that "love is a decision" not necessarily a feeling; oftentimes the feeling of love follows an act of being loving. Too often, we wait for the feeling of love to come before we act...I think doing the reverse is true.

 

Praying for the best in your situation. Enjoy your precious bundle/toddler-to-be each day.

[LonerStoner]

Thank you all for your comments. They are needed and much appreciated. Just trying to take it a day at a time and hope the intensity of the feeling I feel will decrease over time.

[harrybrown]

it gets worse before it gets better.

 

you go thru many stages over and over.

 

first you are shellshocked.

 

Then you get flaming angry,

 

sometimes you wake up and finally start realizing many more of her faults. She is no princess. She did this because she wanted to. She is not special and you realize what she did to you.

 

your love finally decreases. you stop wasting money going to marriage counseling. It takes a horrible person to do this to someone they are supposed to love. good thing she does not admit that she hates you.

 

 

you come to the point where you realize it will never be the same. you will never forget that she tried him on for size, because she wanted to.

 

no real consequences. what about the next time she wants to try this guy and that guy at that same time. So when she does it again it will get easier.

 

you did not catch her. at least you did not catch her in your bed with him.

and at least he did not send you a copy at your work of her giving him a blowjob on your bed, in your house.

 

 

your marriage will never be the same. sex with her is not special she has shared it with many. The H is the dumb one that she uses to keep working and paying the bills and raising the OM's babies.

 

She killed your marriage and your life will never be the same.

 

How can you trust her? Can't.

 

She would do this to you. (and it will be so much easier the next time)

 

Save yourself. File for D. and expose to the world.

 

Did you get tested for stds? did she?

 

She does not care about your health.

 

go see your attorney today.

 

start doing things for yourself. and never again be the chump to get married.

 

wasted my life in marriage for over 40 years.

 

I was stupid and did not figure it out until he mailed the pictures to my office.

 

How would he know where I worked?????????????

 

go see your attorney.

[Cephalopod]

Thanks for you advice! I'm torn part of me wants to stay and the other half is just over it. I know it's not my fault this happened but I do feel like the issue in the marriage were duE to me Not being able to show my affection as much. She is a very affectionate person as well as her family. Me on the other hand...I wasn't raised like that. My mother barely told me she love me or hugged. She was a good mother just not affectionate. No excuses but I didn't really know how to be affectionate. I show my affection through doing thougtful things for her.

 

What details would you like?

 

Bunch of bull.

 

There are many women who don't feel like their husbands are affectionate enough who DON'T cheat. Many more than those who do. So that is just self-blame, and it won't serve you or her.

 

Your wife cheated because she has weak boundaries. She gave herself permission to step over the few she had to get what she wanted.

[aliveagain]

Married for 3 years...we are in our early 30's.

 

We are in the process of trying to reconcile. We are in MC, she's seems to be doing everything right. But I am just struggling with myself right now. I am on an emotion roller coaster.

 

No I don't know the guy. He's actually in his early 20's and has absolutely nothing to offer other than the obvious. [/b] She claims the fact that she knew this relationship would go no where made it easier to go through with.

 

What does the last bolded sentence in your post really say about the value she puts on your marriage, your new family if she was willing throw it all away for so little? Marriage counselling won't be much help because it doesn't do enough to find out what's broken in her. She needs independent counselling to find out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat. Marriage counselling works when you know the root cause of her FOO issues, you know what your working with.

 

Marriages with infidelity early on have a low survival record. How can you expect to keep her committed to your marriage when she can't even make it past year 3? What a way to remember the birth of your first child, she was so happy she had an affair. Your first goal is to get yourself out of infidelity, your second goal is to protect your child, your third is protect your finances. Talk to a lawyer, find out your rights, ask him about a postnuptial agreement(one that gives you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity). Wayward spouses that don't honour their word will be more willing to honour a contract if it leaves them with very little.

 

Lastly, don't have sex with her until you have both been tested for STD's. The humiliation of being tested acts as a future deterrent and wakes them up to the risk she put you, herself and even your new baby in. You will never forget what she did, the best you can do with enough counselling is learn to live with her betrayal. Stop the marriage counselling, get both of you into independent counselling, once you know the real issues decide if reconciliation is what you really want. She is broken, expose the O/M to his spouse if he has one(your wife knows a lot more about him then she is telling you).

[Jersey born raised]

It seems you are not ready to hear what posters are saying. So I would ask you to read the 5LoveLanguages. They have a web site. Read it and buy the book. I would also suggest you read "Not Just Friends".

[HereNorThere]

When the dust settles, your shame won't be from trusting the wrong woman. It will be from not trusting your own gut AFTER she got caught.

 

These things take TIME. Her first instinct will be to rugsweep and keep you buttered up. She will continue to deflect blame using the marriage, making you question everything about yourself, etc. She doesn't like feeling guilty and more importantly, she needs you to keep her secret. Look at how well it's working though. She cheated and somehow you've taken the blame for it! Well played cheater, well played.

 

She hasn't earned your trust or recommitment to the marriage. I know it, you know it, and she definitely knows it. She wouldn't have cheated in the first place if she didn't hedge her bets on you gulping down the sh*t sub with baked lays and a Powerade. Dude, you trust her way too much right now. You still haven't accepted the fact that your wife isn't who you think she is. She has a whole separate life away from you. Honestly, your blind spot for her is so huge, I'd be willing to bet this didn't stop. At the very least, I know she could pull one over on you again. You still have a dangerous soft spot for her. She's playing puppet master really well right now and you trust what she says. I have a bad feeling about your situation. Keep your guard up.

Edited June 29, 2017 by HereNorThere

[ahmed8xm]

Reconciliation is painful

 

Personally i think

 

Reconciliation is not possible after infidelity

 

Especially for Men (Men and women are different)

 

Because You Will never forget (yes its the forever pain)

 

There are some posts where husbands leave their ww after some years

Because they know they cannot forget.

 

And let me tell you what i found out about infidelity

 

Cheaters will cheat no matter what kind of relationship they havr

 

As a guy you will.never be able to forget that you wife had the forbidde. Fun

At the risk of her marriage and now she have you.(who will forgive her)

 

Cheaters will never realize the pain they have given you

And you know what they will never regret the affair

Only some do (not 100%)

 

You will never forget that your wife was ****ing another man

And because of other man she was fighting with you

Telling you that you are not affectionate or blah blah

 

Dude i persinally believe that before an affair both are responisble for problems in their marriages sometime 50/50 and sometime 60/40 and some time 70/40.

 

But when one spouse commit infidelity

All the blame goes to the cheater

The bs has 0 responsibility

 

You know why because the BS could have done the same

They were also not happy with some things. But they never cheated

Yes its take two for a marraiage only two

Cheaters bring the other person in the mariage.

Do you feel the same?

 

Do not take any blame ok.

 

If soneone is going to cheat they will cheat no one can stop them

Its a choice she choose to spread her legs for him.

 

Marriage is pure before adultery.

But After infidelity ,..............i have no words.

 

So you have to decide if you can live with this imbalance

You will always think that she had fun witg some young guy and now her marriage is safe and you are dealing with this pain the ' obcessive thoughts' ' mind movies'.

I am not telling you to have some revenge ****

Because revenge sex may help you with some feeling

But this will not change your thoughts about your wife.

 

I personally believe Love is a volatile liquid placed in a bottle

Infidelity opens the the cap of bottle and the love evaporates

After some time that is why sone men say their love for their wife is gone and innocence is gone.

 

To be honest i think love is a choice you can choose to love and you can choose not to love

Its hard to believe but after some reasearch i believe its a choice

If you want to ask why then reply.

 

You dude the choice is yours what you want

 

Divorce and then a faithful wife

 

Or

 

A painful reconciliation

 

Only a BH(faithful wo never cheated or never was a OM) can understand your feelings and pain

Normal people(who never cheated or never been cheated on)

And cheaters will never 100%

Understand .

Your pain.

[Wade Lamare]

Hmmmm.

 

What do you know about this guy? And what do you know about the way this affair was conducted. Workplace, church/social group?

 

Not what you've been told, I wouldn't trust your wife's word at the moment only stuff you can verify.

 

While it is possible your wife confessed out of guilt (it does happen) it is also just as likely they had been found out in some way. Perhaps his wife/girlfriend found out. Perhaps they were seen by mutual friends or family.

 

How do you know that she blocked him? How do you know he didn't block her first at the demands of an angry SO?

 

I don't want to go all conspiracy theory on you but unless you really know all the details you don't know what you're dealing with. Forewarned is forearmed.

Unless you really know the facts you have no idea if the affair is simply dormant while they both paper over the cracks.

[Marc878]

This would be easy to do if we didn't have a child.

 

DNA testing. You wouldn't be the first to find out it's not yours

[LonerStoner]

Thanks everyone for all of your responses. I see pretty much the majority seems to be for divorce. I am leaning towards reconciliation however I know the road will be long and hard. Every thing you guys say I will experience I am or have experienced it. I feel pretty shi-tty right now but I hope things will get better for me.

 

 

Ahmed8xm, everything you said is pretty much spot on. I know I'm not to blame. Its pretty much on her to try and make this right. She's been pretty good at reassuring me, even when I am not in a pissy mood. She even suggested starting over and renewing our vows.

 

 

My mood has shifted a little but I still feel as if I'm in a dark hole. Despite all of her attempts at reconciliation I still cant shake this feeling. I know this will take time to get over, but I also know its kind of up to me to get over it. No matter how much a WS tries to rectify their wrong, its still up to the BS to accept their attempts. In some cases this may never happen. If that's the case for me I will cross that road when I get there. I don't see any harm in trying at this point especially if my wife is making a sincere attempt.

[LonerStoner]

Hmmmm.

 

What do you know about this guy? And what do you know about the way this affair was conducted. Workplace, church/social group?

The guy used to live in the neighborhood.

 

Not what you've been told, I wouldn't trust your wife's word at the moment only stuff you can verify.

 

 

This is indeed how I am living right now

 

While it is possible your wife confessed out of guilt (it does happen) it is also just as likely they had been found out in some way. Perhaps his wife/girlfriend found out. Perhaps they were seen by mutual friends or family.

 

 

I doubt this, I read the messages after she broke it to him. I went through her phone...He asked if it was anything he did wrong and she told him no...she just wants to work on her marriage.

 

How do you know that she blocked him? How do you know he didn't block her first at the demands of an angry SO?

 

 

I witnessed her block him and she also had to change her number because he kept calling from different numbers.

 

I don't want to go all conspiracy theory on you but unless you really know all the details you don't know what you're dealing with. Forewarned is forearmed.

Unless you really know the facts you have no idea if the affair is simply dormant while they both paper over the cracks.

 

 

This is very true and it's a risk you take with reconciliation. However, I am a firm believer in the dirt you do will eventually come to the light.

[BluesPower]

No i am sorry, you are totally wrong... It is not up to you to forgive in any way.

 

It is up to her to give you a reason to forgive. You are and should be in the drivers seat with the whole reconciliation.

 

You are not, now nor have you ever been, responsible for her affair. Your wife chose to screw you over. She chose to sleep with another man. She chose to have unprotected sex and put you at risk for AIDS or god knows what. That is 100% on her.

 

You on the other hand, you did not cheat. You chose to remain faithful.

 

While you are a weak man in general, you did nothing wrong. Her affair is 100% on her.

 

I guess you are going to try and reconcile. OK. So let's start asking the hard questions.

 

1) When exactly did it start?

2) When exactly did it end?

3) What is the exact time line?

4) What sex acts did she perform with him that she has denied you in the bed room?

5) How many times exactly did they have sex?

6) Has she been in contact with him since she confessed?

7) Has his wife been informed of the affair?

8) Have you exposed the affair to his wife and everyone else that you know. If not Why not, it is one of the few weapons that you have for preventing the affair from starting again.

9) Did she love him? The truth not some BS?

10) If he was to leave his wife would she want to leave you and be with him.

11) Why did you do this?

12) Did you have sex in out house?

13) Was he better in bed? You need the complete truth on this one...

14) Was he bigger than me?

15) and a million other questions....

 

Those are just a few of the questions that you need to be answered in order for you to even start to forgive her.

 

She has had you buffaloed for a while and since you are a weak man you have played right into her hands.

 

You really need to wake the hell up. I am not trying to be harsh, I am trying to show you what you are dealing with.

 

So you think she has been completely truthful with you? If the answer is no... Then brother, you have a super long way to go.

 

If you really choose to reconcile, she has to do the heavy lifting. And for gods sake do not allow her to get pregnant by you at all, until you actually know what you are dealing with.

 

Believe me when I say that you actually have zero idea what you are dealing with right now.

 

Please do not be a fool... There are so many woman out there waiting for a good guy to be with...

[drifter777]

My mood has shifted a little but I still feel as if I'm in a dark hole. Despite all of her attempts at reconciliation I still cant shake this feeling. I know this will take time to get over, but I also know its kind of up to me to get over it. No matter how much a WS tries to rectify their wrong, its still up to the BS to accept their attempts. In some cases this may never happen. If that's the case for me I will cross that road when I get there. I don't see any harm in trying at this point especially if my wife is making a sincere attempt.

 

This is not true - you are asking way too much from the wronged party here. Yes, if you are going to try to reconcile the BH needs to be OPEN to his WW's attempts to earn back trust and show how remorseful she is. That doesn't mean BH will accept it and reconciliation might fail, but in order to have a chance at success BH must be willing to consider eventual forgiveness.

 

It is NOT up to you, or any BH, to "get over it". Just reading that makes me angry since so many cheating wives say this kind of thing to the husbands they betrayed. What you are trying to do - reconciliation - is really hard. It's painful and may take years. It may fail. But for you to have this attitude right now is a guarantee it will fail. Taking responsibility for HER decision to cheat will lead to you feeling contempt for her down the road and kill any chance you have for a happy marriage.

 

If your WW feels this same way - that it's up to you to get over it - then trying to reconcile is a compete waste of time. Unless you both can see this for what it is - she cheated on you because it was fun, exciting, and it felt good - then your marriage is doomed.

[wmacbride]

This is not true - you are asking way too much from the wronged party here. Yes, if you are going to try to reconcile the BH needs to be OPEN to his WW's attempts to earn back trust and show how remorseful she is. That doesn't mean BH will accept it and reconciliation might fail, but in order to have a chance at success BH must be willing to consider eventual forgiveness.

 

It is NOT up to you, or any BH, to "get over it". Just reading that makes me angry since so many cheating wives say this kind of thing to the husbands they betrayed. What you are trying to do - reconciliation - is really hard. It's painful and may take years. It may fail. But for you to have this attitude right now is a guarantee it will fail. Taking responsibility for HER decision to cheat will lead to you feeling contempt for her down the road and kill any chance you have for a happy marriage.

 

If your WW feels this same way - that it's up to you to get over it - then trying to reconcile is a compete waste of time. Unless you both can see this for what it is - she cheated on you because it was fun, exciting, and it felt good - then your marriage is doomed.

 

op,

 

I don't know if this will help or not, but we have gut feelings for a reason. If you want to reconcile but just can't seem to get there, ask your self why. It's very possible your gut knows what you should do. You jut have to listen to yourself and trust your instincts.

 

What are your instincts telling you? Are they telling you she's trying and that, eventually, you can trust her again, or is it screaming at you to to protect yourself?

[HereNorThere]

You're still in denial. That's okay, I get it. To be honest, the majority of us were as codependent as you are right now when we came here. Don't worry, the world will soon beat the rest of that hope out of you.

 

You still have not accepted the fact that this isn't something she did, it's part of WHO she is. I sense you that still hold onto hope that things will return to normal one day.

 

Sadly, they never will. It will get better some days, worse others, but overall, it will continue going downhill. Eventually, you will uncover new evidence that proves most of what you know is a lie. You will try to digest this new information and recover, lose more and more of yourself, and when she is finally done robbing you of your mental health, she'll take her kid and your earnings. Don't worry, she'll post pictures of her and OM's vacations paid for by your child support. Hey, great baby sitting opportunity for you to spend time with their kid!

 

I should charge you for this reading, but my crystal ball says you're going to need the money more than I am. Godspeed.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lonerstoner, I wanted to ask you why you are so keen on reconciling with your wife? What is so special about her that you feel you cannot do without her in your life? Alive again hit the nail on the head when he said that cheating so early on in your marriage bodes ill for a future without infidelity on the part of your wife possibly repeated many times over. Every time she gets an itch in her pants she will find someone else to scratch it, all the while blaming you for not fulfilling her needs, irrespective of the fact that those needs are not genuine. If you are prepared to live in an open marriage where you remain monogamous while your wife plays the field, then by all means go ahead and 'reconcile'. This is going to be the scene once you decide to stick around so prepare yourself mentally.

 

Your wife has a broken moral compass and there is going to be no repairing that because there have been no consequences to her cheating. She has played you for a fool and won hands down and now chapter two of your open marriage is going to be starting. All the neighbourhood guys will be licking their chops waiting to have their chance with her. Of course she will oblige all of them eventually. Unless of course you become a man again and start respecting yourself and lay down the law for your life the first commandment of which should be 'Divorce my wife'. BryanP comes to mind. Its your life. Live it free of unnecessary baggage. Warm wishes.