Trtroles Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 Just because he wants to propose doesnt mean he will not cheat. People who are married for 30+ years cheat. People with 4-5 kids cheat. Healthy or not they cheat. Mental illnes or not they cheat. Just look at your words and see how you defend him is big Red Flag. Your boyfriend agreed with you but he is scared because of his previous relationship. He needs IC. Good luck to you. I have nothing more to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilyViolet Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 Just because he wants to propose doesnt mean he will not cheat. People who are married for 30+ years cheat. People with 4-5 kids cheat. Healthy or not they cheat. Mental illnes or not they cheat. Just look at your words and see how you defend him is big Red Flag. Your boyfriend agreed with you but he is scared because of his previous relationship. He needs IC. Good luck to you. I have nothing more to say. You're basing this on literally nothing. But I guess you know my bf better than me! I'm no way defending him because there's nothing to defend. It's weird even having to go into it to this level. It's really not something I think about a lot. Certainly a lot of bitter people on here. I can't really take on advice that is based on literally nothing. My bf doesn't want me to end the friendship, but your advice is to do it anyway? What kind of message does that send? I know my bf, I know when something is bothering him and he is not bothered by this. You consistently ignore the factors I've pointed out and the fact my bf is friends with his exes. I'm considering tell him about this thread so he can put the judges in place. I've been more than happy to listen to thoughts disagreeing with me. But people leaping in thrilling me they know how my bf feels is so silly. It's insulting. Name me ONE thing that I have done that is disrespectful. By your logic I should be on guard for literally every friendship I have, even if they are clearly committed to my partner and make an effort to include my own partner. You have nothing more to say because everything you're saying is based on assumption. I'm not defending my ex, I'm defending myself and my relationship from this absolute nonsense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) Hi Lily, I have read your OP and the responses of a number of folks on here and your replies to them. I have noted some of the facts that have emerged from a perusal of your thread and I am listing them as under. a) You came to this forum with a query as to whether you were crossing a line in contacting your ex boyfriend specifically because your current boyfriend expressed his unhappiness with your doing so. In coming to this website, you specifically chose the infidelity sub forum to lay out your dilemma. You could have posted in the General Relationship forum which would have been more appropriate. This does shed some light on your mind set. b) You stated that you had stopped contact with this ex boyfriend when he tried to kiss you while you were seeing another guy ( not your current partner) and you found that incident inappropriate. This incident occurred about two years ago. c) You recently found out that this ex boyfriend was suffering from cancer and you felt guilty about not having been there to offer moral support. You re established contact with him and since you, too, had suffered episodes of a debilitating disorder the two of you compared notes and offered each other support. Your current boyfriend was on board with this and even encouraged you to offer support. Your boyfriend has been aware of your relationship with your ex because you have been in the same friends circle much before the two of you became an item. I am not a hundred per cent certain but I think you mentioned that the two of you had even met and hung out with your ex and his partner. Correct me if I am wrong. d) You and your boyfriend ran into a former friend of his with whom his ex had cheated. This triggered your boyfriend rather strongly and as a result he asked you to cut contact with your ex. Although you were not really sure as to why your boyfriend asked you to do so you put two and two together and suspected this to be the reason. However, although you complied with your boyfriend's request you seemed to resent it as you were sure that your friendship with this guy was platonic and your boyfriend was welcome to check your communication with this ex anytime he wanted. e) You have stated repeatedly that you would never cheat on your boyfriend. Yet at the same time you have stated at least twice that you have cheated on some ex in the past as also been cheated on. If you could cheat once there is never saying that you won't in the future if certain conditions are met. f) In your OP you made a request that the folks on here should be brutally honest with you in expressing their opinions and not hold back, but every time someone tried to do so you shot them down by almost ridiculing them for having said something. You come across as pretty smug and full of yourself so one wonders why you even bothered to post here at all. You already had your answers and were quite deaf to what others were trying to tell you. Since you seem to have it all figured out you do not need the opinions of others. You are sufficient unto yourself. All in all I think it was much ado about nothing much in particular. Warm wishes. Edited June 20, 2017 by Just a Guy 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilyViolet Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 To me it wasn't much ado about nothing. The friendship does mean something to me, but my relationship and it's healthy progression means more. I have been in so many terrible and abusive relationships than I am very proactive and protective of this one. Maybe it seems like nothing, to me it's not. It may not seem like I took anything on from the advice but I did. I guess before my ending the friendship was reluctant, but the advice made me see why that priority was wrong. One comment that stuck with me was when I kept saying my bf has exes as friends and I was ok with that, that it doesn't matter because that just meant I wasn't jealous in the relationship but didn't mean he wasn't or wasn't entitled to his own boundaries and insecurities as given. I have a further update if anyone is interested. My partner came home from work and all is fine. He was happy because he didn't think he'd get to come home tonight, we went to the bedroom pretty much straight away and cos the weather is so nice decided to get a drink at a beer garden. It was lovely, he's asleep now, gotta be up at 3.30am. I think it's so much better that we were able to talk about it honestly Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilyViolet Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 What I love as well is that the joking is back. Me and my partner are very driven people and well known in the community, I think people would be surprised at our immature cheesy sense of humour. Like we'll do stuff like make really bad sexual innuendo that we find funny because it's so bad it doesn't even work and we say it in a cheesy suave voice, it can be about anything like hey do you wanna go to the salad garden? And they reply I'd like to make a salad in YOUR garden! I know that sounds so cringe and I can't even explain why it's funny to us, maybe it harks back to he immature days of having known each other 13 years. Sorry that's so boring but it's just I was really worried there that this was going to be an ongoing block in our intimacy. Do you think I'm being too hasty in thinking everything is really ok and this won't crop up again? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 lily.... I always encourage people to go with their gut feeling. I also think people are smart enough to know why they posted. They dont need me to tell them why...though often i do ASK them what they are looking for.... You remind me of another poster here...her name is whoknew30....go find her posts and see if you see a similar spirit. Good luck to you dear girl. I wish you the very best life has to offer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Hi Lily, my remark about it being much ado about nothing was not about your friendship with your ex or your relationship with your SO. It was indicative of the fact that this was something you could/should have resolved for yourself without having to post here especially on the infidelity forum. Posting here indicates that there are issues deeper than you are prepared to acknowledge. If there are and you are aware of them, then you would best be advised to seek help for those with a professional. The fact that you are in the age range of around 30 years and have been around in the dating game. By now you should not need others to tell you what is right or wrong when in a cmitted relationship. Your commitment should be paramount to your SO especially where trust issues are concerned and you do not need us to advise you on that. If you still think you do then it is time to do some soul searching. Just my opinion. Warm wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Ok but why though, it just seems extreme to me that I can't carry on a friendship with someone I've been friends with for like 10 years. I haven't given him any reason to suspect anything more than that. Also he is friends with a few of his exes, I have zero problems with this. It just seems a bit unreasonable to me. If I'm being blind then say so, but it just doesn't seem right to respect his feeling uncomfortable with it just like that without any give and take Is he there for his ex's like you are with yours? Or is it a hey how are you when he meets his? The thing is it is a trigger for him the brings up the past with the ones that cheated. Also, they cheated with his friends, so knowing the guy and going with you isn't going to change things with him. He can't help that. Your choice in this, you're BF or your ex. Would you be alright with your BF comforting one of his ex GF for an extended period of time? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 When you ask why it's an issue, you know you but your BF in a no win situation, right? Any answer he gives you is going to make him look like a control freak. What can he say with out looking like an azz. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 When you ask why it's an issue, you know you but your BF in a no win situation, right? Any answer he gives you is going to make him look like a control freak. What can he say with out looking like an azz. Thank goodness her updates indicate that they have resolved this issue and all is well again. OP, i am glad you were able to talk through and that the closeness and lightness is back. In relationships we have tough spots from time to time, and communicating and working on them together is, IMO, always the best approach. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Thank goodness her updates indicate that they have resolved this issue and all is well again. Yes, but is it resolved? Or is the bf in such a place that he can do little else but keep the peace without being seen as the "bad" guy. Usa1ah makes a good point. Any answer he gives you is going to make him look like a control freak. What can he say with out looking like an azz. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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