I hate my parents for having a lot of kids

[BettyDraper]

I agree that having children while not in a position to raise them is stupid. Maybe you're disrespectful because you look down on your parents' choices. That's understandable but still not right. I don't think it makes sense to hate your parents for their decisions. What's done is done.

 

What you need to do is move out. I was out when I was your age because I decided that I wasn't going to spend one more second in an abusive home.

[BettyDraper]

For the record, I'm 21 and still living with my family because where I'm from, it's the norm to still live with your parents EVEN up to your own marriage. But I don't plan on doing that. As soon as I finish law school, pass the bar, and go into practice, I'm moving out. I wish I could move out NOW, but I'm going to law school and I could only take on part-time jobs that obviously won't generate enough income for me to live on my own. I did the math, and it's just not feasible.

 

My point is: having kids is an ECONOMIC decision and shouldn't be driven by societal expectations and personal desires. I wish people understood that. You can't just have kids because you love your spouse so much or whatever. You can't just have kids because it's what people expect you to do when you're married. What a bunch of BS. Yeah, you can give love to your children, but they need a lot of things that "love" can't give.

 

 

 

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. Over the years I've learned to be self-motivated and to set goals for myself that I have to work towards. I've learned to be a lot more logical and practical in making decisions, and that includes marriage and having a family of my own. At this point the idea of having children in the future does not appeal to me at all, unless I'll have about 1 million in my bank account. I also want to marry a partner who'll be financially stable and who won't have any problems with me having a demanding career.

 

Sorry but the idea of wanting children purely based on being a millionaire is ludicrous. It shows how naive you are about how the world works while thinking that you know everything. That attitude is typical at your age though.

 

While I agree that couples should be financially stable before they have kids, I certainly don't believe that a million in the bank is necessary or even realistic for prospective parents. This is coming from a childfree woman so don't think that I'm trying to convert you.

 

Being financially stable and having a career are both factors that can change. Sometimes people become too ill to work. Recessions and depressions also happen which can dramatically change your situation.

[basil67]

I agree that people should try to avoid having kids if they can't afford to meet their needs. However, from what you write, it sounds like your needs were met. You had love, support, education, food and a roof over your head. They are continuing to support you in your future plans despite your appalling behaviour.

 

The things you are talking about are wants. Nice stuff. Extra curricular activties. Money for hobbies. These things are nice to have, but make no mistake, they are NOT needs.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I agree that people should try to avoid having kids if they can't afford to meet their needs. However, from what you write, it sounds like your needs were met. You had love, support, education, food and a roof over your head. They are continuing to support you in your future plans despite your appalling behaviour.

 

The things you are talking about are wants. Nice stuff. Extra curricular activties. Money for hobbies. These things are nice to have, but make no mistake, they are NOT needs.

 

It's hard to know just how appalling foreverdancer's behaviour has been without being there. It definitely sounds like, at times, she has been disrespectful to her parents. Being disrespectful is certainly not something that I'd advovate.

 

Perhaps foreverdancer needs to put things into perspective? She's gotten on the front foot to air her grievances without balancing that with the positives in her life. I'm sure that if she was asked, she would admit that she has good things in her life, too.

 

Most respondents here aren't prepared to look past what amounts to be a little bit of immaturity when it comes to valuing family. However, one can still love and value their family but still be frustrated at the same time. Unfortunately the OP contained the word "hate", so that was always going to get a lot here offisde from the outset.

 

I still feel that the OP has a valid point, to a degree. Life is about more than just existing. Like it or not, money opens doors and opportunities. Kids growing up in poor, working class households do not have access to the same valuable experiences and opportunities.

 

If the OP is making the best of her situation then she should be given some credit. It doesn't sound like her parents were inspiring in any way. Providing the essentials is mandatory as a parent. But providing more than just an existence can play a massive role in how successful an adult becomes.

[basil67]

I still feel that the OP has a valid point, to a degree. Life is about more than just existing. Like it or not, money opens doors and opportunities. Kids growing up in poor, working class households do not have access to the same valuable experiences and opportunities.

 

If the OP is making the best of her situation then she should be given some credit. It doesn't sound like her parents were inspiring in any way. Providing the essentials is mandatory as a parent. But providing more than just an existence can play a massive role in how successful an adult becomes.

 

Renee, I know your advice comes from a good place and I understand that you haven't experienced growing up as working class. But please don't use the term "poor working class". Yes, there may be some poor people at the very bottom end of the income scale, but by and large, working class have functional families who succeed in life.

 

You say that money gives more experience and opportunities, but money also works against life experience. Children who go to an elite school miss out on the opportunity to socialise with all those public school, working class kids - and those rich kids fail to get the understanding that working class doesn't mean 'poor' and that those kids don't miss out.

 

I have friends who wouldn't send their kids to a public school because they don't want their children having to deal with poorer kids. Or those kids who have behavioural issues. In this case, those parents are using money to actively limit the experienced gained by knowing people from financially diverse backgrounds. And they say it openly. "But a private school has such a different environment!". They do not understand that our year 12 daughter chose to attend our local public high school.

 

My friends and I grew up working class. We went to public schools. No, we didn't get to ski in Chamonix during our school holidays, we didn't have loads of Christmas gifts or name brand clothes. Our parents had one car. We caught buses and trains. We did not have had lots of money to spend on expensive extra curricular activities. But we made our own fun. We made wise choices. We got a thorough public school education and opportunity for university. Our parents were literate, with good work ethics and they set us up well.

 

I am now middle class rather than working class. But my sister is working class and her children have not missed out on any crucial parts of life experience and parental support.

 

"Poor" is grinding poverty. Poor is having both parents unemployed and without functional literacy. Poor is parents who have drug and alcohol issues caused by untreated mental health conditions. Poor is being stuck in the poverty circle of having nobody around to model having an education or job. Poor is having children who go to school without adequate breakfast. Poor is NOT being working class.

 

The OP is studying law for heaven's sake. She's clearly literate. I have read nothing in the OPs post which makes me think she comes from a poor family. The fact that she's sufficiently literate to study law makes me believe she was given adequate food, housing, clothing, emotional and academic support.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Chardonnay Renee, foreverdancer,

 

Both of you are young. foreverdancer considers her family to be poor and would like to have more money so that she can have a better life. Chardonnay Renee comes from a family with quite a bit of money and considers that because of it she has a better life.

 

Both of you will one day see life and its relationship to money very differently; however, it will take time and life experience to see it is so.

 

You will one day have discovered that the best things in life are free.

 

In the meantime, be kind to your parents! There will come a day when you will wish you had, and if you are kind to them the day will come when you'll be so glad!

[CC12]

For the record, I'm 21 and still living with my family because where I'm from, it's the norm to still live with your parents EVEN up to your own marriage. But I don't plan on doing that. As soon as I finish law school, pass the bar, and go into practice, I'm moving out. I wish I could move out NOW, but I'm going to law school and I could only take on part-time jobs that obviously won't generate enough income for me to live on my own. I did the math, and it's just not feasible.

 

It may be the norm, but it is not required. You are free to move out and be responsible for your own economic decisions. You are choosing to live with your parents as an adult. Don't act like you're stuck there. I think it's important that you realize that, because what your parents are doing for you is a gift that is making your life and your future much easier, and you are receiving that gift in a terrible manner.

 

You're 21, you've accomplished some things, and you're forming all these new and exciting adult opinions. But you have to know that you can't be so judgmental and combative about the way others choose to live their lives, and that includes your parents. You don't agree with their reproductive choices, their professional choices, their "economic decisions" and that's fine. But keep your opinions to yourself. It is beyond obnoxious to belittle others for their personal choices and it accomplishes exactly nothing. It just makes you look like a colossal dick. Leave them alone about it.

[anika99]

The OP posted in another thread that she just came back from a family vacation. Things can't be that bad if that did happen.

 

Exactly. People living in poverty don't go on vacation. Nor do they continue to support their adult children so that that they can study law.

[IndigoNight]

My daughter's best friend comes from a large family. They have been friends since elementary school, and both graduated with honors. Throughout their friendship, my daughter's best friend has been left out of many sleepovers and other functions because she has had to stay home and babysit her siblings.

 

While I do think helping out with the younger children could benefit her in many ways, I also see the damage it has done to her. She was not allowed to date; because she was too busy babysitting. She missed out on a LOT of school functions; because she had to stay home with her siblings.

 

So, her parents choice to have 6 children is not fair to the her, in the least. She has learned to be a parent long before she should have. Her brother, who is a year younger, has not had any of the same expectations put on him. He has always been free to join sports, have a life, etc.

 

While the OP may seem entitled in their first post, if she has a life anything like my daughter's best friend I can definitely empathize with her. My daughter's best friend is 20, and not allowed to move out because she is still expected to help raise the younger children. She also comes from a very religious family, and will not go against her parents. It is sad to see such a bright and caring young woman being trapped by choices her parents made. Unlike the OP she would never talk to her parents with any disrespect.

 

That said, it isn't fair for parents to have as many children as they see fit, while expecting their other child(ren) to help raise them to the point of depriving them of their own childhood and life. Helping out it one thing, but being a built in babysitter should not be the child's responsibility.

[MJJean]

. My daughter's best friend is 20, and not allowed to move out because she is still expected to help raise the younger children. She also comes from a very religious family, and will not go against her parents. It is sad to see such a bright and caring young woman being trapped by choices her parents made. Unlike the OP she would never talk to her parents with any disrespect.

 

Like our OP, your friend is a grown adult and has options. They both CHOOSE their current living situations. For example, your friend could respectfully tell her parents she is moving out, but she chooses to stay. OP could get 4 or 5 roommates and add another part time job or increase her hours a bit and move out, but she chooses to stay.

[Els]

I still feel that the OP has a valid point, to a degree. Life is about more than just existing. Like it or not, money opens doors and opportunities. Kids growing up in poor, working class households do not have access to the same valuable experiences and opportunities.

 

I really doubt the OP's family is really all that hard up for money, considering that they are paying their adult daughter's way through law school, and it sounds like they are taking her on overseas vacations as well. She might have had a point if her parents were literally unable to provide basic needs for her as a child and she had to quit school to work at 16, but that is not the case. The way it currently sounds, she's a spoilt brat whose family has provided for their children more than sufficiently, but she thinks she's entitled to more.

[BaileyB]

The good news is, you are now an adult and you have the ability to make different decisions for yourself... That's just the way it goes... As my dear mother used to tell me, "when you get your own house, you can make your own decisions..."

 

I totally agree with the others in that the only way your parents failed was in raising an entitled, selfish, and ungrateful child. You have a lot to learn about life, my dear.

 

My hope for you is that your children, if you chose to have children, will be more respectful and grateful of the sacrifices that you will make for them.

Edited June 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I agree that people should try to avoid having kids if they can't afford to meet their needs. However, from what you write, it sounds like your needs were met. You had love, support, education, food and a roof over your head. They are continuing to support you in your future plans despite your appalling behaviour.

 

The things you are talking about are wants. Nice stuff. Extra curricular activties. Money for hobbies. These things are nice to have, but make no mistake, they are NOT needs.

 

For some the current generation, these things are needs. And, that is the problem... What we value and what we expect from life has changed, and this is the result.

[whichwayisup]

For the record, I'm 21 and still living with my family because where I'm from, it's the norm to still live with your parents EVEN up to your own marriage. But I don't plan on doing that. As soon as I finish law school, pass the bar, and go into practice, I'm moving out. I wish I could move out NOW, but I'm going to law school and I could only take on part-time jobs that obviously won't generate enough income for me to live on my own. I did the math, and it's just not feasible.

 

Your dad has busted his butt to provide and probably that money has helped you immensely aka YOU going to law school! Instead of griping and being judgemental and critical of your parents choices, appreciate them! My god, one day BOTH of your parents won't be around anymore. Yes the parents who love you UNCONDITIONALLY and provided for you, loved you all your life. You might look back full of regret by having so much hate and resentment for them.

 

I'D DO ANYTHING to have my father back, he passed away over 20 years ago.

 

You're blessed to still be living at home, having TWO parents who love you, provide for you etc...

 

I don't know what else to say except move out and be self sufficient, live life without the financial help of your parents.

 

You are lucky to have FOUR siblings. You see it as a curse? Many would want that because automatically you have four others who will always have your back and like your parents, love you unconditionally.

 

Be grateful instead of angry!

[LivingWaterPlease]

My daughter's best friend comes from a large family. They have been friends since elementary school, and both graduated with honors. Throughout their friendship, my daughter's best friend has been left out of many sleepovers and other functions because she has had to stay home and babysit her siblings.

 

While I do think helping out with the younger children could benefit her in many ways, I also see the damage it has done to her. She was not allowed to date; because she was too busy babysitting. She missed out on a LOT of school functions; because she had to stay home with her siblings.

 

So, her parents choice to have 6 children is not fair to the her, in the least. She has learned to be a parent long before she should have. Her brother, who is a year younger, has not had any of the same expectations put on him. He has always been free to join sports, have a life, etc.

 

While the OP may seem entitled in their first post, if she has a life anything like my daughter's best friend I can definitely empathize with her. My daughter's best friend is 20, and not allowed to move out because she is still expected to help raise the younger children. She also comes from a very religious family, and will not go against her parents. It is sad to see such a bright and caring young woman being trapped by choices her parents made. Unlike the OP she would never talk to her parents with any disrespect.

 

That said, it isn't fair for parents to have as many children as they see fit, while expecting their other child(ren) to help raise them to the point of depriving them of their own childhood and life. Helping out it one thing, but being a built in babysitter should not be the child's responsibility.

 

We are not born into this world with a rubber-stamped certificate that says we are all entitled to sleep overs with our peers.

 

It seems there are societies today in which the people are possibly the most self-centered, entitled beings to ever walk the face of this earth.

 

Then there are societies in which people are just thankful to have a roof over their heads and one meal a day!

 

Gratitude is one of the most fulfilling states-of-mind to live in. Do you know that it mimics antidepressants (prosac, for instance) in it's ability to cause the body to produce endorphins?

 

Yet people are whining, miserable, and complaining because they don't have what others they envy have. Or what they deem their due.

 

Listen, young people! Parents who hand their kids everything are doing them no favors at all!

 

My dad, a great believer in the work ethic and not handing anyone anything unless they'd worked for it tells a story about Henry Ford. His son was working after school sweeping the large office building. Someone walked by and said, "If my dad was Henry Ford, I wouldn't be sweeping office floors!" To which the young man replied, "Because my dad IS Henry Ford is exactly the reason why I'm sweeping office floors!"

 

Too bad OP has not had to work harder. Too bad she doesn't have to pay rent to live at home. Because maybe then she'd appreciate what she's been given!

Edited July 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request ~T

[BettyDraper]

Your dad has busted his butt to provide and probably that money has helped you immensely aka YOU going to law school! Instead of griping and being judgemental and critical of your parents choices, appreciate them! My god, one day BOTH of your parents won't be around anymore. Yes the parents who love you UNCONDITIONALLY and provided for you, loved you all your life. You might look back full of regret by having so much hate and resentment for them.

 

I'D DO ANYTHING to have my father back, he passed away over 20 years ago.

 

You're blessed to still be living at home, having TWO parents who love you, provide for you etc...

 

I don't know what else to say except move out and be self sufficient, live life without the financial help of your parents.

 

You are lucky to have FOUR siblings. You see it as a curse? Many would want that because automatically you have four others who will always have your back and like your parents, love you unconditionally.

 

Be grateful instead of angry!

 

She cannot be grateful because she is entitled. This is what happens when parents give their children way too much.

 

People thought I was spoiled because I complained about my mother being abusive. They thought I had a great life because I had two parents and we lived in a nice house. I would have given up the big house just to feel loved.

 

Because I had to live in poverty due to fleeing abuse, I don't have a lot of patience or respect for people who have many advantages yet they still complain.

[SummerDreams]

I can understand where you are coming from because my aunt has six kids. She has never worked and my uncle had to create some wealth by himself from scratch to raise his kids. The youngest is now 19. I know for a fact that they of course did not have everything the kids needed thoughout the years, they used (and still do) buy stuff with coupons or from cheap stores, wear used clothes and shoes, let alone that the kids could never have extra help to learn another language or be helped with their homework. All six of them though have had a different approach in life. I won't give details but I'll say that every kid is a different personality and deals with a hard situation differently. Some of them have had some trouble in their lives, some of them dealt with it stubbornly and made something in their lives.

 

I will also tell you one hugely important thing for me; I'm an only child while they all have brothers and sisters close to their age. Brothers and sisters are a blessing because you always have people to rely on, trust, confide in, talk to. Even if you have no friends your siblings will always be there for you and support you. I envy my cousins so much for this while I know this used to be frustrating for them while growing up. I had my own room, my own toys, the whole attention from my parents. They shared a room and they never had privacy. They had to wear each others' clothes while growing up. They had no support with their problems and there was never silence at home. I get it. But now they have each other. Our parents will eventually sadly die but they will always have one another. Trust me, one day you will be grateful for your parents' choice.

[William]

Folks, had a report that things have gotten a little heated on this one so I'll close it up for awhile and give it a chance to cool down.

 

Edit: After review and a bit of clean-up I'll leave it up to the OP if she would like the thread reopened after she catches up.

She may request the thread reopened for comment via the Alert Us button ~T

 

------Thread reopened per starter request ~W

Edited June 30, 2017 by William
Reopened thread

[foreverdancer]

Okay... so I did some reflecting and I realized that it isn't right for me to blame my parents for everything and hate them. While I disagree with their choices and their beliefs and I'm still unconvinced about marrying for love and having kids myself, I'm more forgiving of them now. I'm glad I started this thread because there's no one I could talk to about this in real life (except for the school counselor who I'm going to see soon). I've been looking for part-time work so I'll be able to have my own allowance and not burden my parents with my own needs I could pay for myself. Thanks for the responses everyone (even though some were way too snarky for my liking).

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Okay... so I did some reflecting and I realized that it isn't right for me to blame my parents for everything and hate them. While I disagree with their choices and their beliefs and I'm still unconvinced about marrying for love and having kids myself, I'm more forgiving of them now. I'm glad I started this thread because there's no one I could talk to about this in real life (except for the school counselor who I'm going to see soon). I've been looking for part-time work so I'll be able to have my own allowance and not burden my parents with my own needs I could pay for myself. Thanks for the responses everyone (even though some were way too snarky for my liking).

 

Being teachable and open to constructive criticism is a great quality. Keep it up and good for you for getting a job.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Okay... so I did some reflecting and I realized that it isn't right for me to blame my parents for everything and hate them. While I disagree with their choices and their beliefs and I'm still unconvinced about marrying for love and having kids myself, I'm more forgiving of them now. I'm glad I started this thread because there's no one I could talk to about this in real life (except for the school counselor who I'm going to see soon). I've been looking for part-time work so I'll be able to have my own allowance and not burden my parents with my own needs I could pay for myself. Thanks for the responses everyone (even though some were way too snarky for my liking).

 

I saw your post as one of frustration. Understanding and agreeing with *some* of the issues you raised helped me empathise with you. Whilst I didn't buy into the word "hate", it still made me uncomfortable nonetheless.

 

I'm glad that you've reflected upon your situation and realised that your parents shouldn't be blamed to the degree you've done so. Resentment builds up and breeds very unhealthy and dysfunctional habits in relationships if gone unchecked. It's great that you now have a new outlook on things.

 

Sweety, you're only 21. Don't worry about kids and marriage now - worry about what is most important in your life moving forward - the rest will take care of itself. I'm 34 and I've only just had kids a year ago. You have plenty of time to figure all this stuff out.

[whichwayisup]

Okay... so I did some reflecting and I realized that it isn't right for me to blame my parents for everything and hate them. While I disagree with their choices and their beliefs and I'm still unconvinced about marrying for love and having kids myself, I'm more forgiving of them now. I'm glad I started this thread because there's no one I could talk to about this in real life (except for the school counselor who I'm going to see soon). I've been looking for part-time work so I'll be able to have my own allowance and not burden my parents with my own needs I could pay for myself. Thanks for the responses everyone (even though some were way too snarky for my liking).

 

I'm glad you're going to see the school counselor.

 

One question, why do you think you're a burden to your parents? Is this just for money reasons or personal (things going on in your life etc?) Can you talk to your parents at all about stuff? Just wondering on an emotional level how close you are.

 

It's good to get a job, you'll learn the value of money and feeling of hard work earning that money.

[foreverdancer]

I'm glad you're going to see the school counselor.

 

One question, why do you think you're a burden to your parents? Is this just for money reasons or personal (things going on in your life etc?) Can you talk to your parents at all about stuff? Just wondering on an emotional level how close you are.

 

It's good to get a job, you'll learn the value of money and feeling of hard work earning that money.

 

It's for money reasons. I have 4 siblings who are in still in school. I know my parents are happy to support my law school tuition, but I should be careful with asking for money because I know money isn't easy to come by for them. Hence my search for a part-time job to personally spend for my needs and for my parents not to worry about the allowance they have to give me.

 

I'm not that close with my parents. I only talk to them casually about my day, but I don't talk about personal things with them at all.

[S2B]

I'm confused... it is YOUR education. Why aren't you paying for it yourself?

 

You are an adult, yes? Why not work to support yourself and go to school? Debt for college is carried by most young folks. Student loans are designed to help with that.

 

What are you using there money and allowance for? How much do you work? Have you always worked?what jobs do you have experience in?

[basil67]

Your parents are PAYING for your law school tuition and have been giving you an allowance? A family who can pay for their child's university is not poor by any stretch of the imagination.

 

I think it's great that you're now starting to behave like an adult and get a job. But while you're at it, I think it's time you got out of your bubble and go and have a look at what "poor" really looks like.

Edited July 1, 2017 by basil67