31 years old & want baby, he doesnt

[Amas5750]

I guess im looking for reassurance that ive done the right thing.

 

Im 31 and hes 38. We have been datjng for nearly 2 years.

 

Yesterday i broke up with him, even though we still love each other, because i am needing to have a baby and he cant at all commit to having a baby 'right now'.

 

He is highly anxious, 'in survival mode' and is 'being pulled in a million direction'. He has an incredibly high power/stress job.

 

Having children is something i was very honest about from the beginning. I absolutely must have them (not negotiable).

 

He said, that he wishes he would want that and, once the stress n hectic pressures stop putting him in his current black hole that he could change his mind

 

I asked him if he would want to get married n his response was 'i cant right now'

He describes himself as being broken wuth no goals

He tells me he 'will never be happy'

He cried and vomited when i broke up with him, but through sobs told me im making the rught decision.

 

I did the right thing, right?

I cant hold out hope n endlessly wait 4 it to change

 

He said having a baby with ne and lesser high powered job would give him a panic attack. He said he needs to struve to "catch up".

 

So. As a woman that must have babies.. i did the right thing huh

[No_Go]

You did the right thing.

 

So did I: I also had a bf for 2 years (between 30 and 32), and he didn't commit to anything until the end although he was dangling carrots the whole time.

 

You saved yourself time. He would have strung you along for years.

 

In my next RL unless we have a master plan by the end of year 1, I'd be out. "Will do some day", years long 'saving for ring' or years long engagements are a joke - the guys just are not ready and think their gf-s/fiancees are dumb enough to wait for them.

[the_lost_1]

i'm probably irrelevant here but damn i can't imagine anyone trying to have a baby with me, what a wonderful feeling that must be. at least you know who you want or wanted to have baby with.

 

sorry about your breakup, get better soon. maybe he needs to see a therapist if he constantly describes himself like this. maybe you can give him a self help book gift?

[amaysngrace]

Yes you did the right thing. He could have passed those same faulty genes onto your kid.

[preraph]

It's not like you're over the hill to have a baby, though. You're only 31. Nowadays people 40 have them. But he sounds like a big mess. If someone tells you they are never happy, well that may be their nature and they may never be happy. He feels overwhelmed for whatever reason. Not everyone has to have babies, but if you want one, then either get yourself in a position to do it on your own with a big job with maternity leave that pays well, or find someone else but you can't get in a hurry about that.

 

I will tell you that if you have a baby despite him not being ready, you will be same as a single parent anyway. A friend of mine did it and that just justified him not doing anything he didn't want to do for the kid or for her. Don't ever force someone into being a parent because if you do choose someone to father your child who doesn't want to, that is you not thinking about what's good for the child. So I'm glad you chose to break up instead, but I do think he might change his mind in 5 years UNLESS as I said before he has always been unhappy and will always be an unhappy person.

[BaileyB]

You did the right thing.

 

This man is clearly telling you that he is not prepared/does not want the same things that you want in life. So, it's important not to waste any more time but to go about finding someone who does want what you want in your life. Good luck.

[stillafool]

Why doesn't anyone say "I want to get married and have children" anymore?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Why is there so much pressure for him to be so successful (as he deems it) in work? Where does that come from? Someone's gotta remind this man that you only live once and ya can't take it with you.

[stillafool]

Why is there so much pressure for him to be so successful (as he deems it) in work? Where does that come from? Someone's gotta remind this man that you only live once and ya can't take it with you.

 

Me thinks that is only an excuse to back OP up. He doesn't want kids right now.

[elaine567]

Me thinks that is only an excuse to back OP up. He doesn't want kids right now.

 

...or maybe ever...

[RecentChange]

Why doesn't anyone say "I want to get married and have children" anymore?

 

Because social pressures to conform are lessening.

 

I was 10 years old when I declared that I didn't want to have kids some day. I am 38 now, and I am still steadfast in that choice. It's the right one for me.

 

In a different era, or even a different region of the country that decision wouldn't have been as accepted and honored as it is now.

 

There was a time when it was thought it was very wrong for a woman not to want children. Times are changing.

[SammySammy]

You couldn't stay with him and achieve your goal of having a baby. So, leaving must have been the right thing for you.

 

It takes more than love to have a successful relationship.

[basil67]

I will echo what the others have said.

 

And I will add that while you will go through a grieving process after the breakup, please don't feel bad for him. He knew what you wanted and he made a choice which was contrary to that. He chose work over a future with you.

 

If he reaches out to you to tell you how much he's hurting, coldly remind him of this fact. Do not give him sympathy.

[Amas5750]

So. I broke up with a guy last week. We were dating nearly 2 years. Broke up with him cos he couldnt comit to marriage n kids (im 31 and hes 38).

 

He is a very, very successful guy in banking/finance. He is very high up. Wealthy... exceptionally smart and EXEPTIONALLY anxious..

 

So tonight he told me when we went on our once weekly date he would wonder how he could make the daye short (in time) so as to get back home and do work/assignments. Actually wondered how long it would have to be to keep me satisfied but short enough to hurry home.

 

Said he was "too busy to notice the decline in our relationship"

 

Said he could see i was miserable but had "so many balls to juggle" (masters degree study, extremely high up in career)

That only when i became the critical ball in the air that he needed to attend to then he would pay attn to me and take me on a date.

Said it was "torture" to be on a date om the beach cos he wasnt "achieving and striving"

 

I knew he was a grump, we joked about it.... sounds like he really couldnt be bothered with me

 

He took himself overseas for a masters degree summer school for 3 weeks ... told me he felt guilty about leaving me at home so he tried to have less communication with me...as he would feel guilty.. so he busied himself ovee there.

 

All this from a man who states he loves me but he's so anxious and cant face the number of balls in the air that he has to juggle.

 

To his credit (if i can even say this) he is a top guy in his industry... too 5 in the country etc

 

Still... jeez

 

Any comment

.. i realise i was a bit of a side thought/ after thought to him now. How silly, i didnt understand thd extent of it.

[PegNosePete]

Any comment

Just that it sounds like you did the right thing. You weren't a priority in his life. If you want marriage and kids then you need to find someone you're more compatible with. Staying with this guy, you were just wasting your life.

[Gr8fuln2020]

His work was a much higher priority than yourself. He wasn't ready for what you want. He may be successful in the business world from which he excels, but for you, right now, he is not an extra-ordinary person to keep around. Don't settle b/c he is successful in ways that little to nothing to do with being with someone who will make you happy, fulfilled.

[eclipseIDE]

I guess im looking for reassurance that ive done the right thing.

 

Im 31 and hes 38. We have been datjng for nearly 2 years.

 

Yesterday i broke up with him, even though we still love each other, because i am needing to have a baby and he cant at all commit to having a baby 'right now'.

 

He is highly anxious, 'in survival mode' and is 'being pulled in a million direction'. He has an incredibly high power/stress job.

 

Having children is something i was very honest about from the beginning. I absolutely must have them (not negotiable).

 

He said, that he wishes he would want that and, once the stress n hectic pressures stop putting him in his current black hole that he could change his mind

 

I asked him if he would want to get married n his response was 'i cant right now'

He describes himself as being broken wuth no goals

He tells me he 'will never be happy'

He cried and vomited when i broke up with him, but through sobs told me im making the rught decision.

 

I did the right thing, right?

I cant hold out hope n endlessly wait 4 it to change

 

He said having a baby with ne and lesser high powered job would give him a panic attack. He said he needs to struve to "catch up".

 

So. As a woman that must have babies.. i did the right thing huh

Im curious what womens frame of mind is regarding this. So was this your soulmate? Did you guys have a great relationship?

 

What I see happening is youll settle for someone who will want children with you. Youll have your children and start to feel like youre lacking something in your life. Youll eventually start to resent the father of your children and blame him for not making you feel like you deserve how to feel. If youre married you will eventually cheat on him and blame him because you dont love him like you think you should. Even though he was willing to have children with you.

[Chilli]

He'd have to want to and decide to lighten he's load and start living instead , having a family and being with you and everything. And never having been in a marriage or family of his own by now yet he can't even manage one night out, he couldn't do it.

 

Unless your happy with lots of dresses and a gold credit card for company you'd be crazy.

[TheWoman]

My ex h sounds quite similar to the man you are describing, except he was willing to get married and have kids. What I didnt realise was that what he was committing to was to be a sperm donar and financial supporter, and that is it.

 

It can be very lonely and difficult parenting completely on your own, and being in a relationship with someone you and your children hardly ever see is also quite depressing. I do not recommend it. If marriage and children is what you want I suggest you go out and find someone also interested in participating.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sounds like he has his priorities messed up. Will he ever realize that life isn't all about power and success in business? Hopefully he will before it's too late!

[Bufo]

Let me tell you one thing. If you had a baby with him, you would have that baby, and the child, and the teenager all to yourself.

 

He's told you he isn't interested. Take him at his word. He isn't interested now and will not suddenly become the Ward Cleaver to your June.

 

He gets his feelings of self worth and accomplishment from his work. Many people do. I was one myself for awhile until I woke up. But he may not.

The first gal who wanted me for marriage and family just couldn't compete. I remained single until it dawned on me that he French saying "the cemeteries are filled with indispensable men" was correct. I changed, met my wife and have a family.

 

There are men out there who will share your goals. Keep your eyes open.

[aileD]

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

 

-the Fray

[MJJean]

Im curious what womens frame of mind is regarding this. So was this your soulmate? Did you guys have a great relationship?

 

What I see happening is youll settle for someone who will want children with you. Youll have your children and start to feel like youre lacking something in your life. Youll eventually start to resent the father of your children and blame him for not making you feel like you deserve how to feel. If youre married you will eventually cheat on him and blame him because you dont love him like you think you should. Even though he was willing to have children with you.

 

Or she stays with this hot mess of a crying, vomiting, anxiety riddled man, watches her fertile years pass, sees happily married families with children everywhere, cries every time she hears someone she knows is pregnant, resents and then hates this man, and leaves him to live the rest of her childless life.

Clearly he's not her soulmate. They aren't even compatible. They have very different lifestyles and life goals in mind.

[Amas5750]

I'm only 9 days post break up.

 

I just wanted to express my main emotion: fear. How do you all deal with fear?

 

I'm so scared. I'm terrified. I feel scared to live alone, scared that i will not trust another person, scared i now wont have kids, scared i will feel different to others, scared of every day and scared that this is endless and i wont feel better or secure again.

 

I feel scared and terrified- like i had tge rug ripped out from under me.

 

What should i feel about this fear? Can anyone relate?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think lots of us can relate. Are you in counseling? Have other IRL friends with whom you can talk about divorce/get encouragement from?

 

Are you a person of faith? I'm a Christian, so I've been able to get a lot of peace from my connection to God, and to other women who are also Christians and encourage me.