Snooped phone and found things from past

[road]

Why were you snooping in the first place? If I was in your fiancee's shoes and you admitted to me that you'd snooped, we'd be over.

 

Two wrong don't make a right, yes she did some pretty awful stuff but so did you.

 

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

The only thing a person has to be mad about is that they got caught

doing something bad.

 

Only a fool leaves evidence after a crime. This lying GF, had no problem

lying, she should have no problem being caught specially when she

never made an effort to get her cheating past discovered.

 

GF had no problem doing what she did so she has no right to complain

that people (OP) found out.

[road]

Sorry but snooping is never a good thing IMO. I would consider it very disrespectful if either my husband or I snooped and I strongly believe it would end our marriage. It would make it clear to me that he didn't trust me at all if he snooped and I'm sure the same would apply if I was the one who snooped.

 

Snooping and finding out nothing only strengthens the trust. Gee how

could I be so paranoid?

 

However I have seen to many BH come on to forums where it took

pages of posts to get them to open their eyes because their WW was

cheating on them. Then snooping got them the truth.

 

Can't have it booth ways on snooping.

 

Stop a terrorist attack, it's good.

 

Testify in court and the guilty party sent to prison, good.

[elaine567]

Most people unless chronically insecure, paranoid, controlling or "crazy", tend to only resort to snooping because something is not right, something doesn't add up, something has changed and they cannot explain it.

They snoop and it seems to me they often do find something, their gut was screaming at them, they listened and their gut was right.

 

So whilst I would never condone snooping on a regular basis, then this suspicion based snooping is often very justified and it can save a lot of heart ache further on down the line.

[MJJean]

Sorry but snooping is never a good thing IMO. I would consider it very disrespectful if either my husband or I snooped and I strongly believe it would end our marriage. It would make it clear to me that he didn't trust me at all if he snooped and I'm sure the same would apply if I was the one who snooped.

 

I don't even understand the concept of snooping in a marriage. If two became one, well, then there is no such thing as snooping.

[Superchicken]

I don't even understand the concept of snooping in a marriage. If two became one, well, then there is no such thing as snooping.

 

Me too. I feel the same.

What is there to understand ?.

What is the big deal in looking in a freaking phone ?.

I don't give two sheeeets if my wife looks in my phone, pockets or underwear (Even while wearing them, although preferred .). If it makes her feel better, then freakin great !.

Why should I get pissed at her for it ?. I mean, I must have done something to trigger her.

Surely not because its "Snoop on your spouse Tuesday" or something.

 

 

Transparency is one of the most important things in a relationship.

 

 

Baaa, privacy my ass !.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Me too. I feel the same.

What is there to understand ?.

What is the big deal in looking in a freaking phone ?.

I don't give two sheeeets if my wife looks in my phone, pockets or underwear (Even while wearing them, although preferred .). If it makes her feel better, then freakin great !.

Why should I get pissed at her for it ?. I mean, I must have done something to trigger her.

Surely not because its "Snoop on your spouse Tuesday" or something.

 

 

Transparency is one of the most important things in a relationship.

 

 

Baaa, privacy my ass !.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted.

 

I agree 100%. There should be no secrets of any kind in a marriage. And if there are..it causes doubt... and if in a relationship we are doing our best to make each other feel safe there is no room for doubt.

 

Does this mean there is no privacy? Of course not... but if I am keeping a secret from my husband then chances are I am ashamed of it or afraid he will be angry if he finds out. In other words... I am probably doing something I should not be doing.

 

My husband and I share all accounts and passwords no matter what it is...

Does this mean we spy on each other? Nope... but it does mean we are always accountable. Does it mean we don't trust each other?nope..just the opposite... it means we do

[BMI03]

Most people unless chronically insecure, paranoid, controlling or "crazy", tend to only resort to snooping because something is not right, something doesn't add up, something has changed and they cannot explain it.

They snoop and it seems to me they often do find something, their gut was screaming at them, they listened and their gut was right.

 

So whilst I would never condone snooping on a regular basis, then this suspicion based snooping is often very justified and it can save a lot of heart ache further on down the line.

 

Totally agree. I have never snooped a phone before, or even thought about it. TO be honest it only came to my mind because she shared a stories with me about snooping pas boyfriend's phones and laptops, and how she didn't want to do it again because it just caused issues where there may not have been none. That said, in this case I see enough to believe there are things worth discussing, but I don't see there being any gut feel to snoop as regular relationship maintenance...but following a trail with evidence is different.

 

I flew back Sunday and we have been together since. No word from her if she has finished reading the email. I suspect she has but doesn't want to get into the heavy conversation until we have time on our hands to really discuss it in the time it deserves. We have been quite busy so that time will come eventually I suppose. It nothing from her in the next two weeks I will ask outright.

 

Thanks all.

[BMI03]

I thought I would send a follow up status on this one. The summer has ended and we have been enjoying ourselves over the last several months. The email continues to sit in her inbox, though despite asking her a couple of times in the month or two immediately following my sending it to see if she had looked at it all, she has answered that it was long and she had only gotten through the first half (the part about what I saw on her phone was in the second half). One day I asked if she had gotten through a more recent email I sent her about some deep thoughts and she told me yes, than donated the point that the only one she had not gone through fully yet was the other one referenced here in this thread.

 

So, either she has not had the time to sit down and go through it; or, she decided that she does not want to go through it for fear of what it could open up; or, she has gone through it and has decided she does not want to breach this topic yet and so has left it to the sidelines where she would prefer it remain, at least for the time being.

 

I am not sure which of those options it is. Curious to what people here think.

 

It’s not an important or urgent part of my life, so I am ok with not talking about it for now. But it does jump to my mind at least every now and then and so I do still feel that eventually it will need to be discussed to ensure clear air.

 

I’ll update whenever that may be. But we are enjoying life so not going to push it.

[Cephalopod]

 

What I saw on her phone however: over the first two months after we met she continued to see one guy and slept with him drunk; continued to flirt, text a lot and connect once with another she had been more a FIB with; texted with at least several other guys, one in attempts to date; met at least two new guys, one of which she may have slept with; and by three months in had given her phone number to at least two or three more guys.

 

This all sounds horrible, however, for the first six months we were together and I divorcing, I can understand if she was scared of being taken advantage of, or putting too much into a relationship that in her mind may not pan out. So I chalked it up to her lack of security that I was actually finalizing things. Things have been fine the last couple of years since. I Put it behind me.

 

 

 

My my, she's quite the Scarlett O'Hara isn't she? Flirting, and carrying on with all those suitors...

 

 

Are you sure she isn't still doing so? Have you verified you are her one and only? I have a hard time believing that a girl who needs that many men orbiting around her is going to be happy settling on just one.

 

 

You better do some more sleuthing before you talk to her about anything, much less marry her.

[BMI03]

My my, she's quite the Scarlett O'Hara isn't she? Flirting, and carrying on with all those suitors...

 

 

Are you sure she isn't still doing so? Have you verified you are her one and only? I have a hard time believing that a girl who needs that many men orbiting around her is going to be happy settling on just one.

 

 

You better do some more sleuthing before you talk to her about anything, much less marry her.

 

As sure as one can be. My gut felt it before, and my gut was obviously right. My gut doesn’t feel it now. I don’t sense anything other than openness. It’s not done as a rule or anything, but there is no harm in using each other’s phones, iPads, etc. No hesitation to leave the phone on the bed with me while she is in the shower. No unaccounted for off-grid moments, etc. I feel secure now, mostly in that I believe my radar was easily set off previously. But admiringly, one can never fully 100% know. So in my mind, I am not in a bad place with her at all. Just some air to clear on the time period when this began that I think we both would eventually benifit from.

[standtall]

Get over it and put this one did bed....she had no contract with you during that era. Everyone has sins from the pre marriage days...

[Superchicken]

At the end of the day, she was banging other guys, and lied or "Misled" him about BANGING other guys !.

Period !.

 

 

Your off to a good start, with a liar, and cheat, cause she cheated with you , and then TOO you.

 

 

If she wanted to continue seeing other guys, she should have said so.

The fact she kept it secret is evident, and she sees these acts as non worrying.

 

 

But hey, I'm not the one getting married.. You are.

 

 

Maybe hold off till your over it, either way.

 

 

Till then, don't make mistake No. 2.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

Edited November 11, 2017 by Superchicken

[road]

Get over it and put this one did bed....she had no contract with you during that era. Everyone has sins from the pre marriage days...

 

Get over her sins against others is one thing. Her sins against

the OP is a different story.

[road]

As sure as one can be. My gut felt it before, and my gut was obviously right. My gut doesn’t feel it now. I don’t sense anything other than openness. It’s not done as a rule or anything, but there is no harm in using each other’s phones, iPads, etc. No hesitation to leave the phone on the bed with me while she is in the shower. No unaccounted for off-grid moments, etc. I feel secure now, mostly in that I believe my radar was easily set off previously. But admiringly, one can never fully 100% know. So in my mind, I am not in a bad place with her at all. Just some air to clear on the time period when this began that I think we both would eventually benifit from.

 

I miss the update till this morning. My thoughts is she read the

whole email bit denies doing so because she does not want to

admit to her cheating and her justifications to cheat.

 

Tell her you need her to finish reading that email today

and discuss it by lunch time today.

 

What is your response going to be after she owns up

to all of her cheating on you and if she reveals that she has

cheated on others before?

[BMI03]

I miss the update till this morning. My thoughts is she read the

whole email bit denies doing so because she does not want to

admit to her cheating and her justifications to cheat.

 

Tell her you need her to finish reading that email today

and discuss it by lunch time today.

 

What is your response going to be after she owns up

to all of her cheating on you and if she reveals that she has

cheated on others before?

 

She has been open to me that she has cheated before on others (outside a marriage), and so have I. We have been been clear with each other about this. And we have both had long conversations exploring the 'why' with each other. We have learned a lot about ourselves. I accept those things about her because I understand them quite thoroughly and have had the chance to ask any questions I had to really understand (and still can ask any time, which sometimes both of us do).

 

And it is not that I am un-understanding or crushed by what happened early in our relationship. I can understand why she had concerns that until my divorce was signed that she may be investing in something that wouldn't pan out. She never claimed to be exclusive with me at the time....her error came in telling me down the road that she HAD been exclusive with me when she wasn't. She wanted to paint a nicer picture of our developing relationship that was the reality.

 

So, I understand it, and I accept it. What I want now is to give it the conversation it deserves so it isn't a bad kept secret between us but instead is something we accept and move beyond together.