Always attracted to the odd ones out

[No_Go]

Yeah, why?

 

I don't know, I guess I'm a bit of a people pleaser so I feel invested in a guy very fast (i.e. give them a lot of benefits of the doubt instead of rejecting after signs of incompatibility start surfacing).

[Lorenza]

Very often a person, who themselves is struggling with emotional "issues", will seek someone with similar history so that they can turn their focus away from their own "issues". They want to help the other person rather than address their own needs.

 

How do you become more attracted to normal, healthy men? You gotta become more "normal" and healthy yourself first. You need more time to focus on just you.

 

My only option is to spend my life as single, I think. When I'm single I feel fairly normal and stable. But my dramatic, troubled, overly imaginative side is always there in me. I might keep in check while living vicariously through books and other people, but sometimes I get involved into something out of the blue. I don't know where it comes from and how to fix it. Right now continueing being lonely and secretly envious of other people seems like the only way to avoid heartbreaking drama.

[Lorenza]

I can relate. Especially when I was younger I was interested only in types on men that were unavailable, treated me badly, were abusive...

 

In my case I have a history of very disfunctional family that may explain it, but I haven't been able so far to find a therapist willing to discuss that. They all tell me, oh, you're highly functional, no point to return to the past

 

I'm recently out of a terrible relationship with many back and forths in the end and TBH I'm scared to death to start dating again. I usually find a BF very quickly, like the first or second guy that I go on date with, and so far my choices has been very poor...

 

Happy to hear you ended things with that idiot...

And I'm exactly the same, I find boyfriends pretty fast, well except this time. Been single for 7 months, the longest I've ever been on my own ever since I've started having RL. Maybe the fear is a good thing, it will give us some time to reflect.

[Redhead14]

My only option is to spend my life as single, I think. When I'm single I feel fairly normal and stable. But my dramatic, troubled, overly imaginative side is always there in me. I might keep in check while living vicariously through books and other people, but sometimes I get involved into something out of the blue. I don't know where it comes from and how to fix it. Right now continueing being lonely and secretly envious of other people seems like the only way to avoid heartbreaking drama.

 

When I'm single I feel fairly normal and stable -- This is the reason people isolate themselves. That is their comfort zone. The problem with that is that they "live in their heads" without external input and queues in order to be able to interact with the world effectively.

 

You might start with more satisfying social interaction -- clubs, church activities, hobbies. Trying new things and push your comfort zone some.

 

Choosing the dating partners you choose, really is about sabotaging. You're not really ready to have a relationship and so you seek out dating partners or are attracted to ones that have the least likelihood of succeeding and/or are distractions for you.

 

You keep focusing on YOU for a while longer and finding out who you really are -- what you like, what makes you happy, what doesn't make you happy, things you enjoy/don't enjoy and so on. Don't reflect on the past, focus on the future and on the things you can take control of. Mastering your environment/the one your dealt, is key to success in life. It gives you strength.

[Lorenza]

Oh, and I feel the happiest when someone shows me a sickening amount of attention. I feel in charge, I feel like I control the situation. When that is withdrawn, either by my choice or the other part, there's a palpable emptiness in me. It's like I can only be happy while someone craves me really badly.

[Redhead14]

Oh, and I feel the happiest when someone shows me a sickening amount of attention. I feel in charge, I feel like I control the situation. When that is withdrawn, either by my choice or the other part, there's a palpable emptiness in me. It's like I can only be happy while someone craves me really badly.

 

That is about having an external source of validation. Real and useful validation comes from within. Being able to sooth yourself, take pride in achievements, which includes what I said in my last post, mastering your environment and having and achieving personal goals, etc.

[Lorenza]

When I'm single I feel fairly normal and stable -- This is the reason people isolate themselves. That is their comfort zone. The problem with that is that they "live in their heads" without external input and queues in order to be able to interact with the world effectively.

 

You might start with more satisfying social interaction -- clubs, church activities, hobbies. Trying new things and push your comfort zone some.

 

Choosing the dating partners you choose, really is about sabotaging. You're not really ready to have a relationship and so you seek out dating partners or are attracted to ones that have the least likelihood of succeeding and/or are distractions for you.

 

You keep focusing on YOU for a while longer and finding out who you really are -- what you like, what makes you happy, what doesn't make you happy, things you enjoy/don't enjoy and so on. Don't reflect on the past, focus on the future and on the things you can take control of. Mastering your environment/the one your dealt, is key to success in life. It gives you strength.

 

It's hard, because at times I really crave closeness and miss the feeling of another human touching me. It distracts me. All of my friends are paired up. I tell myself it's fine but it really isn't. Things that make me happy - sometimes they're enough, but sometimes they really aren't. Even if I'm not ready for a relationship and keep on sabotaging, the need is hard to ignore. At times it can really make me miserable. Also I really want someone's attention. It's like a circle.

[Redhead14]

It's hard, because at times I really crave closeness and miss the feeling of another human touching me. It distracts me. All of my friends are paired up. I tell myself it's fine but it really isn't. Things that make me happy - sometimes they're enough, but sometimes they really aren't. Even if I'm not ready for a relationship and keep on sabotaging, the need is hard to ignore. At times it can really make me miserable. Also I really want someone's attention. It's like a circle.

 

So break the circle. Do a lot more things that make you happy. That should be your distraction. When you keep focusing on negatives, you actually put yourself in a neurological loop. It becomes embedded in your brain activity which makes it more and more difficult. Do new things and give yourself a ton of positive self-talk.

 

And, guess what, while you're being happy and relaxed, you'll be more likely to attract someone who is really right for you.

[Versacehottie]

Well in your photos that you've posted before, you are really pretty. I'm guessing maybe you get a lot of attention from guys. Most people need to feel like they've EARNED attention from the guy (or girl) they want to be with. If you get it easily from others and a guy who is emotionally difficult, gives & withdraws it and you always feel like you are working for it, that can provide an intensity that you feel makes you worthy. It's like a dangerous combo of being both pretty & somewhat insecure (forgive me if I am wrong about the insecurity part). I think you look for outside validation and feel it most strongly from someone who takes you on a roller coaster. If you could give it to yourself (the validation that is) you might find more value in a normal, stable guy.

 

I also feel like I've noticed a sense of wanting to "go deep" in your posts. Sometimes (most of the time) these intense guys will do that but it can come with a dangerous, deeply flawed side. It almost feels false to an outsider looking in but it can give you the high you want. One of my friends is a lot like you. Well probably a couple of them. A normal, regular guy won't really be so intense early on, but when he shows some of his emotions as he becomes more into you, you can trust that they are real and probably unwavering (well relatively). I have to say, you really have made some great changes in yourself that I see & I do believe you when you say that you want to apply those to your life with the guys you pick. maybe you are just a few steps away from doing so?

 

You sound a little hooked on this one (family friend guy) so it might be hard to hold back. I think sometimes if you cared the most about yourself & what you have going on, you might see this as just a not great idea for you. It sounds on one level you know that but on another that you can't resist. You just need to find more in yourself that tips it in that direction (where you are the most important person in your own life). Good luck

[Lorenza]

Well in your photos that you've posted before, you are really pretty. I'm guessing maybe you get a lot of attention from guys. Most people need to feel like they've EARNED attention from the guy (or girl) they want to be with. If you get it easily from others and a guy who is emotionally difficult, gives & withdraws it and you always feel like you are working for it, that can provide an intensity that you feel makes you worthy. It's like a dangerous combo of being both pretty & somewhat insecure (forgive me if I am wrong about the insecurity part). I think you look for outside validation and feel it most strongly from someone who takes you on a roller coaster. If you could give it to yourself (the validation that is) you might find more value in a normal, stable guy.

 

I also feel like I've noticed a sense of wanting to "go deep" in your posts. Sometimes (most of the time) these intense guys will do that but it can come with a dangerous, deeply flawed side. It almost feels false to an outsider looking in but it can give you the high you want. One of my friends is a lot like you. Well probably a couple of them. A normal, regular guy won't really be so intense early on, but when he shows some of his emotions as he becomes more into you, you can trust that they are real and probably unwavering (well relatively). I have to say, you really have made some great changes in yourself that I see & I do believe you when you say that you want to apply those to your life with the guys you pick. maybe you are just a few steps away from doing so?

 

You sound a little hooked on this one (family friend guy) so it might be hard to hold back. I think sometimes if you cared the most about yourself & what you have going on, you might see this as just a not great idea for you. It sounds on one level you know that but on another that you can't resist. You just need to find more in yourself that tips it in that direction (where you are the most important person in your own life). Good luck

 

Thanks! And you're quite right, I do get the most intense feelings when a man keeps me on edge - he might say something borderline hurtful but then next thing I know he's sharing something vulnerable or telling what he feels for me in a very sensitive way. That does give me a sense of validation, like I'm getting through his prickly side and discovering something beautiful underneath that he will only show to me. And on it goes with a lot of back and forths. A wild ride.

 

I do get a lot of attention otherwise, will admit that. But it usually doesn't mean much to me, not that I belittle it but it just does nothing to affect me in any way. Only the attention of those certain type of men gives me the feeling of near intoxication. Like the attention of that relative meant nothing until I started discovering how unusual and troublesome he is. Only THEN I was like - wow, what is happening to me, why do I feel so good talking to him? Maybe you have a point in needing to work for it, but in my case it got a little warped.

 

The insecurity lies mostly in my financial situation, feeling a bit like a failure career wiseor feeling much worse than the people of the local nationality and that's because they do look down on immigrants like me. Especially who don't live up to a certain status.

In my earlier years I struggled with accepting my looks as well, but right now I'm pretty fine with it.

 

Exactly, regular guys start off pretty level and don't rush into oversharing and indulging too much. That is, unfortunately, what kills my attraction pretty fast though. If they're careful and well, normal, my interest dwindles immediately. I do want to go deep and preferably as soon as possible. But maybe that's not what most guys do.

 

I'm trying to find a compromise though. Talking about deeper stuff without forcing them to open up too soon, questions that reveal who they are as people without them needing to disclose their whole life stories and vulnerable spots. Cause damn, I cannot stand the "how was your Monday? What are your plans for the weekend? What will you do this summer?" types of questions and conversations about basically nothing. Will probably never fall in love with a guy who is that simple-minded.

 

But maybe I can succeed in finding a quirky, sensitive one without the emotional problems? I truly hope so.

[Lorenza]

So break the circle. Do a lot more things that make you happy. That should be your distraction. When you keep focusing on negatives, you actually put yourself in a neurological loop. It becomes embedded in your brain activity which makes it more and more difficult. Do new things and give yourself a ton of positive self-talk.

 

And, guess what, while you're being happy and relaxed, you'll be more likely to attract someone who is really right for you.

 

I would like to, but I won't be able to relax until I get into a better position financially and find a better job. Because my current job is awful and I'm usually so drained I can't just do lots of new and happy stuff. I'm just too physically tired and spend a lot of time in bed with my cat and books, or in best case meeting my friends.

 

I'm going back to studying in autumn, however, to learn new things and gain a chance at better life. Maybe then I'll feel worthy of more than dysfunctional relationships.

[Redhead14]

You are physically tired because of the stress . . . you need to find ways to release stress which, actually involves getting out and moving around. Walking, running, exercise of any kind to help get all that out which in turn will promote better sleep and a better frame of mind. Force yourself go for a walk at the very least a couple of times a week. If you can push through this for a bit, you'll find yourself feeling more refreshed and have more energy.

 

Curling up with your cat and reading is for when you are ready to go to bed and distract your mind at the end of the day when things are quiet, which is likely when a lot of your anxiety and dwelling, etc. occurs.

[Lorenza]

You are physically tired because of the stress . . . you need to find ways to release stress which, actually involves getting out and moving around. Walking, running, exercise of any kind to help get all that out which in turn will promote better sleep and a better frame of mind. Force yourself go for a walk at the very least a couple of times a week. If you can push through this for a bit, you'll find yourself feeling more refreshed and have more energy.

 

Curling up with your cat and reading is for when you are ready to go to bed and distract your mind at the end of the day when things are quiet, which is likely when a lot of your anxiety and dwelling, etc. occurs.

 

I'm working 4 night shifts in a row at the casino, so physical tiredness is mostly because of bad sleeping schedule, noisy workplace, stress. I'm very embarrassed of my current work. It's supposed to be just for the summer but I'm so ashamed I can't even bring myself to tell my dates what I'm doing. Nobody would look at me seriously with a job like that, it's not that much better than a stripper. So yeah, there's lots of psychological stress, you're right.

[Vyliss]

Just one question: Do you like the fact that with troubled men, you feel you can or want to help them? Do they make you feel needed?

[OatsAndHall]

I used to be the same way and it was pretty simple for me; dating women with "issues" provided a sense of security for me. I felt that I could go the extra mile, "fix them" and it would foster deeper feelings for me. And, a part of me figured that it would be a safe relationship because of the bad rational that "no one else would want them".

 

Boy was I wrong..

[Lorenza]

Just one question: Do you like the fact that with troubled men, you feel you can or want to help them? Do they make you feel needed?

 

Yeah, that either makes me feel needed or makes me wanna rescue them. I don't only prefer troubled men. I also choose troubled women as friends. I think I'd feel very good having a partner or friends whose well-being depended on me, if only they didnt take me for granted and mistreated me. I'm not saying that it's what's I'm gonna do, but I have to admit this to myself. I'd probably be happy in a co-dependant relationship.

[Lorenza]

I used to be the same way and it was pretty simple for me; dating women with "issues" provided a sense of security for me. I felt that I could go the extra mile, "fix them" and it would foster deeper feelings for me. And, a part of me figured that it would be a safe relationship because of the bad rational that "no one else would want them".

 

Boy was I wrong..

 

I think I can relate to this. It's pretty accurate

[bluefeather]

Oh, and I feel the happiest when someone shows me a sickening amount of attention. I feel in charge, I feel like I control the situation. When that is withdrawn, either by my choice or the other part, there's a palpable emptiness in me. It's like I can only be happy while someone craves me really badly.

 

This sounds like a narcissistic trait.

[Lorenza]

This sounds like a narcissistic trait.

 

In which way? I'm not a narcissist.

[Bastile]

<----------- lol

 

Story of my life.

 

Thing is that it's no BS either. It's genuine feels, and that's why it's so potent. It's an extreme level of intimacy that typically transcends normal boring life.

 

One of the problems when I started learning “game” was the idea of emotional control. This idea that everyone needs to be smooth like James Bond – which is complete BS. That idea was the exact opposite of what had attracted some extremely attractive into my life before that. And the intimacy was amazing in some cases. Not even going to get into some of the things we'd done as they would probably appall the sexual practices part of the forum. So I needed to filter all the typical ideas through my own energy. Challenging certain accepted beliefs.

 

It's a balancing act developing from that point, though. Attraction, craziness, and connection is very different than holding down a ltr. Which is why I'd imagine that OP is still single, and it's a part of why I'm still single.

 

Interesting topic.

 

Do we settle for steady and boring, trying to control this side of our nature in order to fit into a ltr? Is that a part of maturing?

 

Who the hell knows. I'm just starting to take it seriously enough to try and figure out.

 

If it's not deep and meaningful, then I get bored very quick. Don't think I'll ever accept much less than that. But I've also found that a degree of distance has actually resulted in my longest relationships.

 

Maybe just the good die young?

[bluefeather]

In which way? I'm not a narcissist.

 

Narcissists crave attention just like you described in the quote. A sickening amount of attention. They feed off of the energy, like a psychic vampire. And when it's gone, they feel empty. Narcissists also know exactly the right kind of person to seek out for that kind of attention. It is in emotionally unstable individuals, because only emotionally unstable people would give an excessive amount of that kind of energy to someone. This could explain why you are attracted to that type.

[Lorenza]

 

If it's not deep and meaningful, then I get bored very quick. Don't think I'll ever accept much less than that. But I've also found that a degree of distance has actually resulted in my longest relationships.

 

Maybe just the good die young?

 

I'm not sure I'll be able to accept less either. Deep and meaningful connection is essential for me.

 

But in my case, I think that a part of me is rebelling against what relationships have become. Easy to discard, shallow, distant. You're supposed to talk about the mundane, be completely independent, have sex early and without getting to know each other's inner worlds. You see, the intensity I'm seeking has nothing to do with sex. Maybe because I'm from a conservative culture. Western relationships give me anxiety. They're not what's natural to me and what I saw growing up. I think I fear that and go overboard and dream about being in a co-dependant relationship as an extreme mean to counter what feels wrong to me.

[Lorenza]

Narcissists crave attention just like you described in the quote. A sickening amount of attention. They feed off of the energy, like a psychic vampire. And when it's gone, they feel empty. Narcissists also know exactly the right kind of person to seek out for that kind of attention. It is in emotionally unstable individuals, because only emotionally unstable people would give an excessive amount of that kind of energy to someone. This could explain why you are attracted to that type.

 

Well, I know for certain I'm not a narcissist and have very little in common with those people. There's little I can identify with. Oh and after going through a psychological evaluation some years ago, my results indicated nothing about that. Actually they came back with a GAD and a PTSD. Perhaps not only narcissists crave emotional intensity

[Nowty V]

The bottom line is fooked-up people do fooked-up things, unpredictably.

 

Said relationships are a roller-coaster of extreme bliss and kicks in the balls.

 

potentially, where ever your anxiety drives you, you may achieve a greater contentment from a more linear disposition and a relationship with someone who is also linear.

 

May not be as exciting, but could lead to so much 'More'.

[Lorenza]

The bottom line is fooked-up people do fooked-up things, unpredictably.

 

Said relationships are a roller-coaster of extreme bliss and kicks in the balls.

 

potentially, where ever your anxiety drives you, you may achieve a greater contentment from a more linear disposition and a relationship with someone who is also linear.

 

May not be as exciting, but could lead to so much 'More'.

 

Yes, I realise that as well

That's why I'm trying to change. It's not easy though. Need to admit quite a lot of messed up things to yourself.