central Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 He's my ex, I should never have left him. Your situation isn't the typical one when discussing this topic, but I'm sorry that you haven't met a good man since. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 His wife already knows, and we're not sleeping together. He's my ex, I should never have left him, I've dated my share of available single men since him and it all went badly. I don't want anyone else anymore. I may just be afraid of relationships at all now, but even if that's the case, I'm probably better off in a hopeless emotional affair than another toxic relationship. A hopeless emotional affair IS toxic. It's just less obviously toxic than some other types of relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Some were behind his back, others I mentioned. I'm sure he thought I was bluffing with these...I wasn't. Though as hard as I tried to find a great, single guy to ride off happily into the sunset, I didn't. Not because there were no great candidates, there were, but I was so foolishly, head over heels in love that no one could measure up to the ridiculous standards I set which were all based around this MM. The date had to look like MM, talk like him, exude the same confidence, etc etc. No one was ever going to fill that creation I made. This is why affairs are so toxic. Pure craziness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 The date had to look like MM, talk like him, exude the same confidence, etc etc. No one was ever going to fill that creation I made. This is why affairs are so toxic. Pure craziness. MM is not from here so his name is very very uncommon, forms or variations of it but not the same. I met a guy with the same name as him and went on a date, actually two.... ya craziness..... Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 My exMM was the love of my life. I was 100% true to him in every way. I didn't want anyone else but he would try to push me to set up a threesome and asked me to try swinging with him but I didn't want to. It broke my heart over and over how he wanted other women besides just me and his wife. He was often on Craigslist meeting new women online, possibly met a few also over the 4.5 years we were together. He meant the world to me and I loved him with my entire heart. Turns out I was just someone he wanted sex from and nothing more since he picked his wife when the affair came to light. He hurt me so much and he wasn't even phased by the end of our relationship. I can't imagine being with anyone ever again. He left me completely devastated. I thought I was the only one. My exOM kept talking about wanting for me to be with another man in front of him and then for me to be with him afterwards. He said that it was his fantasy and he talked about it constantly. We had only had sex about 4 times. It's one reason that I realized that I had to end it with him, it felt so degrading. It does hurt to realize that they just wanted sex. He didn't seemed phased when I ended our relationship, either. That's good you broke up with him, you can do better than him. Just give yourself time to get over him and then maybe try to meet another man. There are some good ones out there. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I was the MW, but I do know a couple of my OM dated during our affair. There wasn't any agreement or specific conversation about it. More along the lines of an OM saying something like "When I was out with Susie I saw..." during casual conversation. I didn't mind. It wasn't really my business. I suspect that other OM also dated or had sex with other women, but I never asked and they never said. Again, not really my business. Link to post Share on other sites
Syre17 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I did, although it wasn't always behind her back. Sometimes she knew and sometimes she didn't. There were times that I didn't want to rub it in her face and other times when I really didn't care if she knew. I actually ran into my MW while I was out on a date once and during a period when we were not seeing each other...that was interesting... She hated the thought of me with other women. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Please keep this in mind if you have a one way exclusive relationship with OM/OW. At some point that relationship will end. You will move on. However if you develop a serious relationship witha single man at some point you will be asked about your romantic history. And that history will contain an inexplicable gap unless you tell him something less than the full truth. My wife was an OW to a MM before we got together. She told me something about that relationship. I didn't press for details but what she told me made everything make sense. Had the truth been hidden we would not be married today. She didn't want to outright lie and make up a 1.5 year romantic history. I wouldn't have believed it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 What, do people these days expect a full spreadsheet romantic resume with detailed explanation of hire/fire dates, performance reports, and explanations for any gap years? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 What, do people these days expect a full spreadsheet romantic resume with detailed explanation of hire/fire dates, performance reports, and explanations for any gap years? I think it is prudent to have these types of conversations. It shows if the other person has a current healthy/realistic mindset in regards to relationships. It can also show if that person is someone who blames others and does not self examine. At the end of the day any previous failed relationships had one thing in common.....I. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 What, do people these days expect a full spreadsheet romantic resume with detailed explanation of hire/fire dates, performance reports, and explanations for any gap years? Because we tend to want to know what we're getting into. Past behavior speaks to character, morals, beliefs, and they say past behavior is indicative of future behavior. I think of it like this... If you're ashamed to admit it, don't do it. If you do it, be prepared to admit it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 What, do people these days expect a full spreadsheet romantic resume with detailed explanation of hire/fire dates, performance reports, and explanations for any gap years? Hahahaha. I'm dying. But seriously- why would I need to give a play by play of who I dated and for how long? I don't think I have ever asked for a dating roster and CV Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) Hahahaha. I'm dying. But seriously- why would I need to give a play by play of who I dated and for how long? I don't think I have ever asked for a dating roster and CV Perhaps you should. Might save you some heartache down the road. I'd casually see and have sex with a guy without asking about his relationship and sexual history. Casual means it's not my business. But for a potential serious partner I want to know. Some behaviors are deal breakers. For example, I've been WW. For a lot of men that would be a deal breaker. I've had ONS and FWB. For some guys those are deal breakers, too. Edited June 21, 2017 by MJJean 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I'd definitely ask about their past, I just don't think I'd break it down year-by-year and go "Hmm, there's a mysterious gap between serious relationships here, what were you up to?" I mean I agree you should tell the truth about your history anyway, it just seemed a funny thought 1 Link to post Share on other sites
starswewillnavigate Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 My exMM was the love of my life. I was 100% true to him in every way. I didn't want anyone else but he would try to push me to set up a threesome and asked me to try swinging with him but I didn't want to. It broke my heart over and over how he wanted other women besides just me and his wife. He was often on Craigslist meeting new women online, possibly met a few also over the 4.5 years we were together. He meant the world to me and I loved him with my entire heart. Turns out I was just someone he wanted sex from and nothing more since he picked his wife when the affair came to light. He hurt me so much and he wasn't even phased by the end of our relationship. I can't imagine being with anyone ever again. He left me completely devastated. Hurt Girl... I understand your pain. We make them the centre of our world and we're merely an option to them. xMM was always on the dating site we met on and I could always tell when he had a new girl as he fell off the face of the planet. Once that fizzled out, back he came. I did date other men during that time, although no one compared to him. Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Perhaps you should. Might save you some heartache down the road. I'd casually see and have sex with a guy without asking about his relationship and sexual history. Casual means it's not my business. But for a potential serious partner I want to know. Some behaviors are deal breakers. For example, I've been WW. For a lot of men that would be a deal breaker. I've had ONS and FWB. For some guys those are deal breakers, too. I just don't think everythinggggg needs to be disclosed. I may ask about serious relationships, why they ended, if they remained friendly. Stuff like that. But I'd never ask someone to start with 2005 and break down every person they dated and ask about gaps! Like wtf is that?? That's a bit much and it's not necessary. If a guy asked me for that much detail, I'd be turned off. That's crazy to me. I don't need to account for every month of my dating life for a guy to know if I'm worthy of dating. And I'd never expect a man to give me all that info either. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 What, do people these days expect a full spreadsheet romantic resume with detailed explanation of hire/fire dates, performance reports, and explanations for any gap years? No but to leave out the fact that one was an OM/OW is wrong. For some people that is a deal breaker. And, if that fact was made known they would not pursue a relationship with someone that was an AP. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I just don't think everythinggggg needs to be disclosed. I may ask about serious relationships, why they ended, if they remained friendly. Stuff like that. But I'd never ask someone to start with 2005 and break down every person they dated and ask about gaps! Like wtf is that?? That's a bit much and it's not necessary. If a guy asked me for that much detail, I'd be turned off. That's crazy to me. I don't need to account for every month of my dating life for a guy to know if I'm worthy of dating. And I'd never expect a man to give me all that info either. How about if they just wanted to know if you were an OW? Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I was the MW, but I do know a couple of my OM dated during our affair. There wasn't any agreement or specific conversation about it. More along the lines of an OM saying something like "When I was out with Susie I saw..." during casual conversation. I didn't mind. It wasn't really my business. I suspect that other OM also dated or had sex with other women, but I never asked and they never said. Again, not really my business. But isn't it your business to know if the person you're sleeping with is sleeping with and if they are using protection? It isnt just the married persons health they're jeopardizing....it's their clueless spouse too. Not coming down on you just something to ponder......did you even think about that during the A? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 How about if they just wanted to know if you were an OW? Hmm. Probably not in the beginning. If we were super serious as in possibly getting married I'd probably say it. But only b/c my future husband cheating on me is a deal breaker and I'd have to inform him why I feel so strongly about never forgiving a long-term emotional and physical affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author misspalmy Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 mm wont text me back, i have heard from him may 3 times about getting a dna test done one my son, his wifes idea, he wont tell me if he still wants it done, i going to ring him one last time about the dna test or its going to court. Link to post Share on other sites
Author misspalmy Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 Picking her over me hurts. yeah i know i got myself into this, but still hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Sorry you feel hurt and rejected. You will find someone new. Do things for yourself. exercise. Some like shopping. You can find people to spend time with and have fun. Go dancing. there are many places around. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Picking her over me hurts. yeah i know i got myself into this, but still hurts. Very interesting observation. One step further is to decipher whether it is the rejection that one is clinging to... not the actual love interest. Often, rejection is what fuels the extended longing, pining, looking for meaning that prevents/holds one back from moving on. By accepting ourselves and putting energy into ourselves to become the best "I" that I can be, we feel rejection by others less severely. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 mm wont text me back, i have heard from him may 3 times about getting a dna test done one my son, his wifes idea, he wont tell me if he still wants it done, i going to ring him one last time about the dna test or its going to court. In all honesty, if you're certain the child is his, I wouldn't contact him....I would go ahead and take it to court. There's really no need for you to reach out to him, considering he's not attempted any contact. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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