Girlfriend wants a break but sees up together in the future

[jjb117]

We spoke for basically 5 hours last night and the conversation was amazing .

 

For anyone reading this, look. It's easy for anyone here to claim she's trying to get with other guys during the summer, but I just know this isn't the case.

 

The conversation we had last night was a transparent one. We told each other everything. Put our guards down and told each other nothing but the truth.

 

To sum things up, she still loves me, she still misses me, and even though she is genuinely happy with life right now, she still wants me in her life. Not as friend either, but of course as her boyfriend.

 

Those words don't come out lightly. She means what she says and I know things will work out for when I come back.

 

This whole process was good for me to. I'm able to find happiness without the need for someone else. I don't need her in my life, but rather I want her in my life.

 

If only you guys knew her as much as I do. You'd understand that she isn't typical. She's dysfunctional, frustrating and imperfect in her own perfect way.

 

I don't see myself right now with anyone. She also said the same.

 

The conversation ended with wishing each other happiness and saying I love you. And after all of what has happened between her and I, I can guarantee that I do love her. Genuinely do.

 

I'll bring up whether she'd want to start again closer to August. As of now, I just want to continue spending time with friends and family. Thank you for all of your help. I greatly appreciate it.

[Blanco]

Well then why are you soliciting opinions from others if you're just going to push back on anything that doesn't jive with what you want to hear?

[dumbass2]

I'm sure that she is extremely happy that you are so understanding. Too understanding. This isn't what you want, it's just what she wants. If things don't go well for her she has you waiting for her until August. As long as you fully understand that there is a very high probability that you'll be waiting for nothing or she may come back to you and you find out she was with another guy while you remained loyal even though you two are broken up. Are you truly going to be okay with that? Play that scenario in your head.

Edited June 26, 2017 by dumbass2

[ExpatInItaly]

So if she wants you in her life as her boyfriend, what is stopping her from doing so right now if you're just going to get back together anyway in another couple months? I don't get that. What is she genuinely enjoying about her life right now? Not being committed or answerable to anyone? Because if that's the case, you're in for a nasty wake-up call, I'm afraid.

 

Being dysfunctional isn't charming or quirky. It's going to cause you more heartache if you're not careful. Don't be too passive in all of this, OP.

 

Did you two agree you can date or hook up with others on this break?

[jjb117]

To those who are wondering, I'm not "waiting" around. My motto has always been, be prepared for the worse, hope for the best, and always move forward. Let it be know that I am content with my life without her. I know I can find happiness without her. If there is someone else I'm interested in, of course I won't feel guilty about it. But one thing I know is that I'm not prepared to date others yet. It wouldn't be fair for the other girl if there were to be one anytime soon. I have flirted, nothing crazy, but I know at this very moment I should focus on myself. And I have been. I'm interning at a very successful company, I'm working out, I just got a new car, life has been good to me.

 

Again, to clear up the confusion, we are approx 16 hours away from each other. That's far. We're both busy. We both communicate differently via text. We both were not having thr best of time during long distance. I can't fault her for the break. I agreed to it. And though the pain comes in waves, it has helped me grow as a person. And I don't regret any of it.

 

There'd have to be an amazing guy to top me. Considering I'm her first love, and considering her family raves about me, and considering I've done nothing but be a gentleman, I just don't see how anyone could be best suited. If there were one, it would just be a small fling. Something temporary, something miniscule, anything but pointless.

 

After the phone call last night. I can't help but be happy for her. There's no anger after all that has happened. I have no grudges. I care for her and she cares for me. An amicable breakup is what we all strive for right?

[ExpatInItaly]

There'd have to be an amazing guy to top me. Considering I'm her first love, and considering her family raves about me, and considering I've done nothing but be a gentleman, I just don't see how anyone could be best suited.

 

And yet...she still let you go.

 

I'm not saying you're not a great guy. Not at all. But you have to realize that she - in certain ways - wasn't so attached that she wasn't able to walk away. A girl who is truly into you isn't going to risk losing a guy with all your great qualities.

Edited June 26, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Chi townD]

Dude, my spidey senses are all over the place. She's dating. She's going out with guys. Sorry to break that fact to you. And I don't care how much you think that she isn't, she pretty much told you that the reason for this "Break" is because she wants to hold you and kiss you and you can't be there to give her that. So, she wants someone else to take care of her physical needs until you two get back to school, then "All is right in the Universe! We can be boyfriend and girlfriend again!"

 

And if you find out that she's been with other guys, well....you can't get mad because we were on a break! Don't you love technicalities! Think about it dude! She told you that it would hurt to know that you would be with other girls, so don't tell her about it. Right? But, if she really loved you, then why the hell would she expect you to be with other girls? Because she knows she's going to be with other guys!!!!! In her mind, she can't expect you to be faithful when she knows she's not going to be with you! And if you don't date while you two are on a "break", well, that's not her fault. She told you that you two were no longer exclusive. Not her fault you didn't take advantage of that opportunity.

 

Dollars to Donuts, if you were to show up there to surprise her. I seriously doubt she would be happy about it. She's either going to get angry, or shocked as hell. Then frantically texting people or on her phone out of earshot of you conducting damage control.

 

Dude, I think you're getting played and you're just not seeing it.

[lauri]

I've been in your shoes before and was rationalizing everything to myself, similar to how you are, that I'm the best match and all she needed was a little space. But what I soon realized was that, even though on paper I was the "best" for her, she just wasn't attracted to me anymore like she used to be. She's playing you and you know your gut is telling you she is.

 

Her actions here are just showing you that she thinks that she can find someone better. There are two possible outcomes from this because in my opinion this is leading to a breakup:

 

1) You break up with her. She may say you're making a mistake and try to make you reconsider, but this is something you have to do and walk away. She isn't that into you anymore and you need to protect yourself. She will respect you more if you do this.

 

Or

 

2) You agree to her rules and stick around. She may date a bunch of other people, fool around with them or already have someone lined up that she wants to try out but not "cheat on you". She then will official end it with you or cut you off. Alternatively, she may try out a few new guys and not be happy, but come back to you and still not be happy. She will not respect you if you do this, that I can promise you. In the end, she will end up being the one breaking up with you in this scenario.

 

The rest is now up to you to decide what you should do. I know I'd choose option one having gone through this scenario before and choosing option two.

[usa1ah]

She just didn't want us to end up hating each other. The way we were in person and in long distance was completely different. She didn't want the love for me to deteriorate due to the frustration of an ldr. It's more than just physical intimacy but trying to keep the good and get rid of the bad. Not justifying this logic, but that's what I presume she meant by it all.

 

Love doesn't deteriorate because of distance. I was married for a month then shipped overseas for a year. Even before that I was going through boot camp and schools related to my MOS. We never talked or even hinted at a break. Just couldn't wait to get back to one another.

 

This spells trouble in my book. Sorry for the pain you are going through but be honest with her. If you are going to break it off do so now. If you are, explain your position. Simply, you love her and have no intention of being with someone else. But if she she is going to break up, then there is no promise for the future.

[jjb117]

The thing is, I do see it as a breakup. As I should.

 

Look at it like this. We're broken up, but with a high chance of being back together. I know she's not dating, mainly because she's been travelling with her mom and dad in different occasions. There's literally no time to see someone while on vacation if you're consistently doing things.

 

I'm close with her mom as well. It's just who she is. She'll go MIA, on her friends and even family for days if not weeks. It doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, it doesn't mean she doesn't miss you, she just does her own thing without the use of technology.

 

And technically I can't stop her from dating either. I even told her that yesterday. Her response? She just laughed and continued to say, "that's the last thing on my mind."

 

I know it doesn't make sense. We want to be with each other. We obviously like each other. We miss each other so why not be together? But it actually does make sense. The relationship and the way it stood during long distance was not the same. No one raves about long distance. It's never fun. I know for certain if we kept going, we'd break up for good. Things just weren't the same. The physical part matters and it matters to me too. But I'm not actively looking for someone else. I don't long for physical intimacy with just anyone, for right now only for her.

 

I've been here before asking different questions about different instances in our relationship. All I got were negative feedback when in the end, it turned out to be the opposite of what everyone was saying. And by August I do promise to come back here and tell all of you whether or not things worked out.

 

You have my word on that.

[ridingfar]

You've got blinders on, man. Wake up!

 

She's playing you and you're falling right into all the traps.

 

You're ignoring the facts. Don't be manipulated.

 

If you keep the blinders on and continue analyzing/interpreting all of the BS she's feeding you while blindly accepting it because it fits your agenda, you're gonna be a in a world of hurt.

[Chi townD]

The thing is, I do see it as a breakup. As I should.

 

Look at it like this. We're broken up, but with a high chance of being back together. I know she's not dating, mainly because she's been travelling with her mom and dad in different occasions. There's literally no time to see someone while on vacation if you're consistently doing things.

 

I'm close with her mom as well. It's just who she is. She'll go MIA, on her friends and even family for days if not weeks. It doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, it doesn't mean she doesn't miss you, she just does her own thing without the use of technology.

 

And technically I can't stop her from dating either. I even told her that yesterday. Her response? She just laughed and continued to say, "that's the last thing on my mind."

 

I know it doesn't make sense. We want to be with each other. We obviously like each other. We miss each other so why not be together? But it actually does make sense. The relationship and the way it stood during long distance was not the same. No one raves about long distance. It's never fun. I know for certain if we kept going, we'd break up for good. Things just weren't the same. The physical part matters and it matters to me too. But I'm not actively looking for someone else. I don't long for physical intimacy with just anyone, for right now only for her.

 

I've been here before asking different questions about different instances in our relationship. All I got were negative feedback when in the end, it turned out to be the opposite of what everyone was saying. And by August I do promise to come back here and tell all of you whether or not things worked out.

 

You have my word on that.

 

All of what you wrote doesn't make a lot of sense to me. If you see yourself together in August and you're not looking for anyone else, and you feel that she's not with anyone else.......then what exactly WAS the point of the break up?

[ExpatInItaly]

All of what you wrote doesn't make a lot of sense to me. If you see yourself together in August and you're not looking for anyone else, and you feel that she's not with anyone else.......then what exactly WAS the point of the break up?

 

Exactly.

 

OP, I know you were really hurt by all of this, but this doesn't make sense whatsoever. And that's because you're very likely not getting the full story from her. If she told you the complete and unvarnished truth about her feelings and what she's been up to during this "break", then it would likely make sense. It would probably cause you more pain but at least she wouldn't be talking in circles and not adding up.

 

The good thing is that first loves are almost never our last. You will eventually find great happiness but it probably won't be with this girl.

[Chi townD]

Look dude, you come on here and you wrote that all you get is negative comments. Well you have to understand that you are talking with people that have experience going through what you are going through. And, unfortunately, there's nothing positive about your story. So, people are going to comment in a way to try to minimized the pain.

 

It's like you're standing on railroad tracks and we see a train coming. We don't grab some lawn chairs and a tub of popcorn wait to see this train hit you. We're the type that will say, "Ummm....Dude? Trains coming, you might want to get off the tracks...."

[jjb117]

As I promised, I would come back.

 

A lot of things have happened since then so I would like to tell my story.

 

To start things off, we began to speak to each other a lot more frequently as the summer started to inch closer to the end. At first we hadn't spoken to each other in three weeks, then it lessen to two weeks and it got to the point where we spoke every two or three days. It felt as though we were going to get back together. It all started to feel like a reality.

 

During this whole time I was able to work at a Real Estate firm and I made pretty good money. I rarely spend any money in general, so I had a lot saved up. Instead of buying a new phone, new laptop or even a car, I decided to buy a flight ticket back to Massachusetts and buy a ticket to see John Mayer live. My friends then suggested to bring her, since John was primarily "our" artist as a couple. Though they suggested it, I finally made the call and bought to tickets. I asked her to come with me and of course she was delighted.

 

A few days ago we spoke about the details of the trip and that's when things went downhill. We agreed that we would crash at her apartment and then she mentioned that she had a couch. I was confused, so I then responded "I thought we were sleeping in the same bed?"

 

She didn't respond back for a day. Internally I knew this was a bad sign.

 

To simplify everything - she thought we were going with no expectations, possibly going as friends. She thought the whole summer that was what I was wanting or progressing for.

 

I couldn't believe it. Though I know I said some things that could sway her to believe that, I still believe I was clear with my intentions. She apparently disagreed. So the whole time we were going back and forth about things I said. I would give an example to support my argument, and then she did. There wasn't any name calling or anything of that nature but there was obvious tension.

 

I then ask her what she wanted. And she said that she wants to be friends. That life is better with me in it. That she would like to go on adventures with me and have me to fall back on. And lastly that at the moment there isn't a chance to get back. Possibly later but as of right now, no.

 

I was furious inside but I decided not to latch out. The conversation like I said before wasn't amicable so she left saying "I must clear my head and then later we can discuss."

 

It has been three days since that conversation and now i'm a weird situation that only I can blame myself for. Most likely I won't go to the concert with her because going as friends is not what I want and I'm not going to settle for anything less. I do have another friend who is willing to go with me but the more time passes, the more it seems to me that it is definitely over.

 

I'm as hopeful as they come. Maybe when and if she sees me it'll change things. Things have always been better when we're with each other physically. But i'm not betting on it.

 

I would like to say sorry to all of you, because I was in fact wrong. I saw the situation with blind eyes and I refused to take the advice you all were giving me.

 

I might be friends with her, one day. But not now.

[Blanco]

I then ask her what she wanted. And she said that she wants to be friends. That life is better with me in it. That she would like to go on adventures with me and have me to fall back on. And lastly that at the moment there isn't a chance to get back.

 

I mean, kudos to her for being honest, but wow. There you have it. She literally told you she wants to keep you around for an option; wants the benefits of you in her life without any of the relationship strings, and topped it off with a "maybe some day, but not today."

 

It's hard, but a clean break and do not look back. You may find yourself OK with being friendly with her some day, but you two should have no relationship of any kind for a very long time.

[jjb117]

To add more detail we still haven't really spoken about the concert. It's been a few days since that argument. Not sure if she still wants to go. My mom said I should give it one last shot, since emotions aren't dictated my logic.

 

But I think I know what's best for me at this point.

[Cookiesandough]

She wants to date/sleep with other guys an hopes to find someone she thinks is better, but if she doesn't, she wants you to still be there for backup. Sounds like a great plan for you,OP. /s

[jjb117]

At this point I kind of want to have a friends with benefits sort of thing with her until I find someone else

 

That's pretty ****ed up for me to say though lol

[Blanco]

To add more detail we still haven't really spoken about the concert. It's been a few days since that argument. Not sure if she still wants to go. My mom said I should give it one last shot, since emotions aren't dictated my logic.

 

But I think I know what's best for me at this point.

 

Your mom means well, but she's giving you false hope. This girl straight up told you that she wants to keep you around in case she can't find someone better.

 

You wanna show your ex that you won't accept being a fallback option? Start by not taking her to an expensive concert.

[Blanco]

At this point I kind of want to have a friends with benefits sort of thing with her until I find someone else

 

That's pretty ****ed up for me to say though lol

 

It's also a dumb thing to say, because people who want a relationship with someone aren't any good within the framework of a friends with benefit arrangement.

 

Moreover, I didn't even get the sense that this girl wants to have sex with you at this point.

[usa1ah]

Are you really willing to wait around for the next 3 to 4 years waiting for she to decide?

 

Send a message and let her know that you decided to take someone else. That she can have the rest of her life to find what she wants. Best wishes.

 

Then block her number.

 

Find someone to go with you and have fun.

 

Don't be the guy that follows the girl around hoping for a chance.

[springy]

To add more detail we still haven't really spoken about the concert. It's been a few days since that argument. Not sure if she still wants to go. My mom said I should give it one last shot, since emotions aren't dictated my logic.

 

But I think I know what's best for me at this point.

 

So the concert is still seriously on the table? Where is your self worth? That last convo would have literally been the last conversation I had with someone who said those things to me.

[jjb117]

I never like to live my life wondering, "what if?"

 

Yes, it is still on the table. I'm an opportunist by nature, and I still have hope. If this is what it is going to take to learn a life lesson then so be it. I see no shame in that. Everyone here had to learn the hard way to gain wisdom. I'm young and I don't think I'll ever truly learn without having to go through the pain.

 

The only reason I feel this way is because things have only been great when we're together in person. We don't fight in person, but seem to always do eventually after communicating through text/call for a while. And if we do, we seem to easily move on. I always seem to learn something about her to, and then adjust accordingly (such as, she's not punctual, not a morning person, not a texting person).

 

But to respond to another individual - Even at my age I still own my own company oversees. I have over 15 employees thus far and we're looking to expand our product in over a few hundred stores. As an owner, you simply cannot be a push over or a yes man, so I do know my self worth. I also see the worth in her also, and that's the catch.

 

I'm not sure whether she still wants to go or not. It's been since Saturday since I've heard from her but I know eventually she will get back to me. Who knows how this story will unfold. My past relationships have always been nothing less but exciting and intriguing. John Mayer was our artist. Most of our precious moments had one of his songs playing in the background. It literally is the last chance I have. The tickets have been bought. The plane ticket has been bought. I'm going and at this point we'll have to see what happens.

 

Like I said before, I will update you all with whatever happens. Whether I rise or fall, I promise to let y'all know so that hopefully if it all works out or doesn't- someone who may be reading this later (maybe weeks, months, or years from now) will learn a bit from my experience.

[usa1ah]

I never like to live my life wondering, "what if?"

 

Yes, it is still on the table. I'm an opportunist by nature, and I still have hope. If this is what it is going to take to learn a life lesson then so be it. I see no shame in that. Everyone here had to learn the hard way to gain wisdom. I'm young and I don't think I'll ever truly learn without having to go through the pain.

 

The only reason I feel this way is because things have only been great when we're together in person. We don't fight in person, but seem to always do eventually after communicating through text/call for a while. And if we do, we seem to easily move on. I always seem to learn something about her to, and then adjust accordingly (such as, she's not punctual, not a morning person, not a texting person).

 

But to respond to another individual - Even at my age I still own my own company oversees. I have over 15 employees thus far and we're looking to expand our product in over a few hundred stores. As an owner, you simply cannot be a push over or a yes man, so I do know my self worth. I also see the worth in her also, and that's the catch.

 

I'm not sure whether she still wants to go or not. It's been since Saturday since I've heard from her but I know eventually she will get back to me. Who knows how this story will unfold. My past relationships have always been nothing less but exciting and intriguing. John Mayer was our artist. Most of our precious moments had one of his songs playing in the background. It literally is the last chance I have. The tickets have been bought. The plane ticket has been bought. I'm going and at this point we'll have to see what happens.

 

Like I said before, I will update you all with whatever happens. Whether I rise or fall, I promise to let y'all know so that hopefully if it all works out or doesn't- someone who may be reading this later (maybe weeks, months, or years from now) will learn a bit from my experience.

 

The thing is even if you win her now, she will never be faithful. So it you like sharing your girl, go for it.