Can an adult partner be Punished ?

[Phoenician]

Why can't you take the home help aside and tell her you want her to be more careful whilst she is mopping up around the piano. It is not just your wife's responsibility here. YOU don't want the piano spoiled so you need to make sure it isn't spoiled.

 

 

Let me understand one thing ,

 

if you husband got you a helper because you are lazy , and assisted you , you will just sit all day not even watching how she does things right ?

 

this is the way you reward him right ?

 

I work 13 f hours , how you want me to do it , spy by web camms ?

[Phoenician]

Ladies , let me understand one thing , do you Enforce a consequence on your partner if he does a mistake (Not to call it punishment) ?

 

How do you do it ?

[Phoenician]

And I wonder, why does your wife have a 24/7 helper in the home that takes responsibility for the cooking and cleaning? Is there a reason for that? Does your wife work? Is it possible that you have actually enabled this problem with your wife...

 

 

Simple reason : she is Lazy , and I am fine with it , what I am not fine with it is inability to take responsibility toward things she should do .

[elaine567]

From I guess you are angry for a lot of reasons. 1. You are dating a much younger woman, (she at 29 is almost 20 years your junior) and she obviously is now looking around at other "hot" guys and doesn't really care that you know it. I suspect she has some resentment building. 2. She is not giving you the sex you want and is giving you "duty" sex, whilst she is getting all hot and no doubt horny over this young stud at the pool... Whilst her "hang ups" mar your sex life I guess you are thinking she may not have so many hang-ups if she were to hook up with the pool guy... 3. You want to marry her but she has not even told her Muslim parents about you, as you are a Christian. 4. She is retains a lot of "space", preferring to live in her condo with her similarly aged flatmates than spend all of her time with you and your children. In fact she disappears when your children are around Your anger is no doubt bred out of frustration that things are not going quite as well as you would want with this woman and the pool incident just highlighted that. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/620623-should-i-marry-woman-lower-sex-drive#post7281864'>here

It appears you, and I quote "pressurised" your wife to give up her full time work.

Do you not think she would hold a lot of resentment towards you for that?

Is she not in fact punishing you for making her give up her f/t job, by spending her time shopping and filling her time off with trivia.

[Phoenician]

From here

It appears you, and I quote "pressurised" your wife to give up her full time work.

Do you not think she would hold a lot of resentment towards you for that?

Is she not in fact punishing you for making her give up her f/t job, by spending her time shopping and filling her time off with trivia.

 

 

what is here elena ?

[somanymistakes]

Ladies , let me understand one thing , do you Enforce a consequence on your partner if he does a mistake (Not to call it punishment) ?

 

How do you do it ?

 

I have never "enforced a consequence" with a partner because THAT SOUNDS EXTREMELY CREEPY. Partners are not animals to be trained!

 

Trying to use a euphemism does not make this whole idea sound any less creepy. The whole idea is creepy.

 

The only consequence you can 'enforce' with another adult is by breaking up with them. You do not have control over another adult, whether it be your brother or your friend or your wife. You have control over yourself.

 

You can ask your partner to change. If they do not change, you can leave.

[elaine567]

what is here elena ?

Not sure what happened there

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/575605-should-wife-work-4.html#post6851368

[Phoenician]

I have never "enforced a consequence" with a partner because THAT SOUNDS EXTREMELY CREEPY. Partners are not animals to be trained!

 

Trying to use a euphemism does not make this whole idea sound any less creepy. The whole idea is creepy.

 

The only consequence you can 'enforce' with another adult is by breaking up with them. You do not have control over another adult, whether it be your brother or your friend or your wife. You have control over yourself.

 

You can ask your partner to change. If they do not change, you can leave.

 

 

I like your honesty ,

and you seem to be right ,

 

unfortunately , leaving is not an option for me , at least for few years ; this is another topic ....

 

but this extreme also , I understand that if your partner did a mistake , like spent your money , hit your car , etc ,,,, and they refuse to take responsibility you will either just throw it behind your back or leave , right ?

[BaileyB]

A Wife should Obey her husband wishes when he asks for them respectfully ,

 

This makes more sense now.

 

I do not obey my partner, nor does he obey me. We work together, in partnership, to make life better and easier for each other. And, if either of us is really this unhappy, we have the ability to leave. That's the bottom line.

[Phoenician]

Not sure what happened there

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/575605-should-wife-work-4.html#post6851368

 

 

yes I did put pressure , talking to her , convincing her ; she opted not to leave work , and I was fine with it , I advised her to work part time , getting another salary from me because I prefered this setup ,

got her a helper so that she can be more confortable , etc ...

 

If she wanted career as priority , why she accepted to have 3 children , none was a mistake , they were planned , she chose the timing .

 

And The pressure I am talking about is just by talking , communicating , never raised even my voice !

[Phoenician]

This makes more sense now.

 

I do not obey my partner, nor does he obey me. We work together, in partnership, to make life better and easier for each other. And, if either of us is really this unhappy, we have the ability to leave. That's the bottom line.

 

let me understand one thing , if he gets you someone to help you doing your responsibilities , and work extra to provide you with more money so that you fulfill your shopping desires and confortability , you will not even do efforts to make sure that this helper is doping her job .

 

before the helper I was doing 80-90% for 15 yrs .

 

The helper I am talking about is doing everything , everything at home except sleeping with me .

[Phoenician]

"The helper I am talking about is doing everything , everything at home except sleeping with me ."

 

I am not saying that I have any intention , just to make it clear

[elaine567]

yes I did put pressure , talking to her , convincing her ; she opted not to leave work , and I was fine with it , I advised her to work part time , getting another salary from me because I prefered this setup ,

got her a helper so that she can be more confortable , etc ...

 

If she wanted career as priority , why she accepted to have 3 children , none was a mistake , they were planned , she chose the timing .

 

And The pressure I am talking about is just by talking , communicating , never raised even my voice !

 

Her now "laziness" sounds like she is making a stand, proving a point, expressing her disapproval, passively aggressively showing you she is not happy with how you forced the issue.

"OK you want me to work part time, on your head be it." sort of a thing.

 

There is also your infidelity, maybe she is again "punishing" you for that by being non-cooperative.

[Phoenician]

Her now "laziness" sounds like she is making a stand, proving a point, expressing her disapproval, passively aggressively showing you she is not happy with how you forced the issue.

"OK you want me to work part time, on your head be it." sort of a thing.

 

There is also your infidelity, maybe she is again "punishing" you for that by being non-cooperative.

 

 

 

 

I respect your opinion ,

 

However it is really silly that any time I open a thread you start digging the whole history of my life posted on LS .

 

 

My infidelity is not related to this thread , and not related also to you .

 

Your judgement on me is based on racism from where I come and being a male .

 

stop drifting the subject and kindly answer the following . question :

 

if your partner misuse your trust financially , or hits your car not in a normal accident ( like he was a bit drunk ,or you told him 10 times that the car should not be driven because it needs maintenance , still he drove it ) .

 

in such an example how do you punish your partner ?

 

may be the word punish is extreme , call it anything else

 

how do you make your partner realize consequences .

 

kindly open another thread to judge me , in this thread be focused on the topic

[Phoenician]

and by the way ,

 

she has always been lazy as per her family , she is showing nothing , all what she wants since 18 years is one thing :

 

do nothing , sleep , watch tv .

[NuevoYorko]

Maybe your wife doesn't accept conditions like "punishment" and "obey" in marriage.

 

I feel bad for her.

[Grumpybutfun]

It sounds like you and your wife are more domestic partners than loving spouses, so my answer will be according to that end. You made a business arrangement where you procreate, have children and help each other through life. If either of you isn't adhering to that agreement, perhaps you need to reevaluate your contract. Punishment and obeying seems rather inappropriate in this setting.

Good luck,

G

[BaileyB]

and by the way ,

 

she has always been lazy as per her family , she is showing nothing , all what she wants since 18 years is one thing :

 

do nothing , sleep , watch tv .

 

You knew this before you married her. Why would you think it would be any different when you were married and had children? It's too late in the game to change the terms of the agreement now.

 

It seems there is a lot of resentment in your marriage, from both partners, and for good reasons. I can't say that I'd feel any different if my husband had been unfaithful and was using works like "obey" and "punishment."

 

I would respectfully suggest that perhaps, you are the one who is feeling the consequences for your decisions in this relationship.

[anika99]

Loving partners do not punish or impose consequences on each other. If that were the case should your wife not also punish you for your wrong doings? Doesn't sound like your a perfect spouse either so what consequences should your wife dish out to you? Where does it end? You two could just spend everyday trying to punish each other for what you each perceive to be the other's flaws or short comings. That sounds like a life of hell to me. I'd rather get divorced.

[Phoenician]

Maybe your wife doesn't accept conditions like "punishment" and "obey" in marriage.

 

I feel bad for her.

 

Those words are not used with my wife , and english is my second language .

 

And i am proud to Obey her too , it is a 2 way thing .

[Phoenician]

Loving partners do not punish or impose consequences on each other. If that were the case should your wife not also punish you for your wrong doings? Doesn't sound like your a perfect spouse either so what consequences should your wife dish out to you? Where does it end? You two could just spend everyday trying to punish each other for what you each perceive to be the other's flaws or short comings. That sounds like a life of hell to me. I'd rather get divorced.

 

when I did something wrong she did punish me , depriving me from intimacy ,or adding services on my shoulder , and many other ways .

 

she is LD , Iam HD so punishing me was very easy .

 

 

I spent hundreds of nights rejected ;

 

 

for 18 years , tried and tried and tried to treat her like a queen,

 

so before you guys start throwing stones , please try to immagine yourself in a situation .

[Mrs. John Adams]

when I did something wrong she did punish me , depriving me from intimacy ,or adding services on my shoulder , and many other ways .

 

she is LD , Iam HD so punishing me was very easy .

 

 

I spent hundreds of nights rejected ;

 

 

for 18 years , tried and tried and tried to treat her like a queen,

 

so before you guys start throwing stones , please try to immagine yourself in a situation .

 

Do you think a spouse who withholds sex from their spouse is punishing them? Or could it be they are just selfish? Or could they just be not interested?

 

I am not sure one answer applies to everyone and there must be all kinds of reasons people withhold sex....punishment might be a reason...but then it might not.

 

Punishment ....reprimanding....to me means one spouse has to think they have become the parent....the dominating one....the one who is right and thas made the decisions the other one is wrong.

 

I think you can be disrepectful...with out implementing punishment.

[basil67]

All what I expect in this case is to watch the B when she does mistakes.

 

No, it is not your wife's job to supervise an inept employee. The employee should be fired and you rehire someone who knows how to clean.

[Phoenician]

Do you think a spouse who withholds sex from their spouse is punishing them? Or could it be they are just selfish? Or could they just be not interested?

 

-Some spouses like mine use sex for punishment because it is an available tool that hurts the spouse more than it can hurt them being Low desire and the spouse is high desire .

 

in my case my wife should be extreemly pleased ( do my part of responsibilities as well as hers , services ,etc ) so that she accepts my initiation.

she has never initiated sex.

when it happens , she enjoys it to the max , because even in bed she orgasms multiple times before i even starts having mine .

 

yes , unfortunately she is selfish .

 

 

I am not sure one answer applies to everyone and there must be all kinds of reasons people withhold sex....punishment might be a reason...but then it might not.

 

Punishment ....reprimanding....to me means one spouse has to think they have become the parent....the dominating one....the one who is right and thas made the decisions the other one is wrong.

 

I think you can be disrepectful...with out implementing punishment.

 

let me clarify that When I talk about punishing my wife ,I mean making her responsible for her actions ,

for instance I told her to take care of something , yet when the problem happens , she won't ;

 

told her 2 month back to get her car revised because maintenace was due , after 2 weeks i reminded her , she said she doesn't have time ; on the third week I her to use e my car to commute on any saturday and I will take it for her ; the next 2 saturdays she drove her car and forgot it ; the third saturday I woke up early and told her to

leave her car so that i take it to garrage , I went out later to find that she took her car to work .

 

the same day she called me with a dead car from the road , I went and made all necessary to take it to garrage the hard way .

 

The car engine got corrupted and costed a lot of money to fix it ;

 

when I saw her I told her calmly that she has to pay this month some bills ( I usually pay them all), she exploded saying That I shouldn't have helped my mom in some payments....

 

I just told her that this is irresponsible ; she witheld sex for 2 weeks to punish me .

 

 

so when i wrote earlier punishment I really meant taking responsibility of actions , which is never happening , because it is always somebody else fault when a problem happen .

[Phoenician]

No, it is not your wife's job to supervise an inept employee. The employee should be fired and you rehire someone who knows how to clean.

 

Basil , let me ask you one thing ,

 

suppose you work 6 hours aday, your husband work 12-13 ;with 3 kids on board ; your H does 70-80% of services ; yet you nag about the 20%.

 

your Husband makes more efforts and get you a helper of your choice who does everything at home ( cleaning , cooking , everything .)

 

We agreed as per her request that I don't interfer with the helper work, so that she doesn't get misleading instructions ; which is great for me .

 

you are satisfied with the helper work , but nobody is perfect ; all what's needed is to tell her and give her proper instructions .

 

wouldn't it be logical that you supervise the helper properly ?

 

 

Regarding the incidence of piano spoiled by the excessive use of water to clean ; I warned calmly couple of times my wife to make sure that if water is used to clean , all wooden furniture should be dried to avoid they get spoiled .

 

 

when I saw the piano in terrible stated I didn't overreact , i just reminded her what I said before ; her answer was simple : " I didn't know that the piano base is wooden !"