OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[smalltownwriter]

No. I tried to make a separate thread and they merged them into the original one. I had the abortion like he asked. Then had to go through a D&C because there was remaining tissue. I know many would argue that it was the best choice, but every day I wish I still had that baby.

[elaine567]

I hope it's for good because I just can't take the emotional turmoil any longer.

 

You don't need to hope, you MAKE SURE it is for good.

Start taking control of your own life.

YOU are not a child any longer, you are actually the 32 yo mother of a small child and you need to start making decisions that are good for you and good for your child.

 

This man is actually "nuts", and like others here I believe he may actually have some sort of personality disorder, he lacks empathy, he manipulates, he uses people as pawns in a game and he is very good at the "pity play", so why are you putting yourself and your child at risk here?

 

Start looking for a new job and disappear. He will no doubt find some other victim to be cruel to, so do not spend one more moment of your time feeling sorry for him.

There is nothing but heart ache for you here.

YOU have spent years in turmoil over this idiot, it is now time to wake up and smell the coffee and start thinking of your child and her welfare.

Get out and find a new life for yourself.

YOU are choosing to be "weak" - stop it right now.

[BaileyB]

You are choosing this life for yourself. You are choosing to ride this emotional roller coaster... And you can chose to get off at any time.

 

I once took a course and there was a quote posted on the board that I've never forgotten. It simply said "nobody can treat you badly unless you let them."

 

I think this is true for you. He continues to jerk you around - only because you let him. And, he will continues to jerk you around when he comes to town for work - if you let him.

 

Don't let him...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Will it make his life better by making sure I will always be pining away for him?

 

 

Yes, because that's the kind of person he is.

 

You need to quit this job. You own your own business and this is not your career, right? Quit the job, block him on social media, and get him out of your life.

[smalltownwriter]

Okay so....I had been very good about not taking any of his bait these last few days, which, there was a lot. I couldn't block him from everything because I had not decided what to do about this work gig yet - like i said it's my dream career so I was trying to see if I could move to another company and do something similar first.

 

He reached out a ton. If it was just social or "I miss you," I ignored it completely.

 

He just told me this morning he told his wife he was really done and was moving out, they had the conversation. He's getting a weekly place while he looks for an apartment. He already booked a trip to come out here in a few days to see me. He is packing his things tomorrow while she is at work. Then he is going back at the end of the weekend to do furniture shopping and see his daughter. I of course had no idea any of this was going on because we weren't speaking.

 

Trust me, I am not trying to say I have forgiven him or things will be fine, or even that I trust him or want to be with him, I'm just wondering if this is for real. He said he is waiting a bit to file, so he isn't dealing all these blows at once. I do realize this might be a common occurrence, for them to move out and say this is it and then back out anyway. Is that the more likely scenario here? Please don't blast me for not being strong enough to tell him to screw off. I get it, based on what you know, he is a terrible person and I could never trust him, etc. I'm just trying to process all of this and get a handle on what the common theme is after they move out.

[BTDT2012]

He just told me this morning he told his wife he was really done and was moving out, they had the conversation. He's getting a weekly place while he looks for an apartment.

 

He said he is waiting a bit to file, so he isn't dealing all these blows at once.

 

 

It's not that difficult to get an apartment. Stop letting him play with you. Is he coming for work?

[smalltownwriter]

It's not that difficult to get an apartment. Stop letting him play with you. Is he coming for work?

 

He's getting the weekly place for one week and he has started his apartment hunt today. He wanted to get out as fast as possible to not drag it out. He's moving his things out tomorrow while she's gone so that he can make the move quickly but he will be here for a few days so that's less time he has to get an apartment.

 

He isn't coming for work, he is coming because there was a concert we were supposed to go to on Friday - my favorite artist, I'm a diehard fan - and it was supposed to be this special thing we were going to be able to do together that we had planned months ago. He is supposed to come for work at the end of the month for 3 weeks.

[smalltownwriter]

Also he said he isn't going to take his son to a hotel, who he has on a weekly basis, so he's either getting an apartment by next week or he's moving back in, I guess. His son will be back with him when he gets back.

[somanymistakes]

It's not that difficult to get an apartment. Stop letting him play with you. Is he coming for work?

 

I have a friend who's been stuck in a hotel for a month so far desperately trying to find an apartment to rent. Every single one he applies for is already snapped up by someone else. Housing can be hard.

 

I don't trust the MM in this story one bit, though.

[BTDT2012]

He's getting the weekly place for one week and he has started his apartment hunt today. He wanted to get out as fast as possible to not drag it out. He's moving his things out tomorrow while she's gone so that he can make the move quickly but he will be here for a few days so that's less time he has to get an apartment.

 

He isn't coming for work, he is coming because there was a concert we were supposed to go to on Friday - my favorite artist, I'm a diehard fan - and it was supposed to be this special thing we were going to be able to do together that we had planned months ago. He is supposed to come for work at the end of the month for 3 weeks.

 

This makes no sense It sounds like he orchestrated a fight with his wife (if he's telling the truth) and will be going back to his house after seeing you. You'd be better off going to that concert with a friend.

[deadsoul]

He's getting the weekly place for one week and he has started his apartment hunt today. He wanted to get out as fast as possible to not drag it out. He's moving his things out tomorrow while she's gone so that he can make the move quickly but he will be here for a few days so that's less time he has to get an apartment.

 

He isn't coming for work, he is coming because there was a concert we were supposed to go to on Friday - my favorite artist, I'm a diehard fan - and it was supposed to be this special thing we were going to be able to do together that we had planned months ago. He is supposed to come for work at the end of the month for 3 weeks.

 

Wanna know how to truly find out if he's serious? Tell him if he means all this crap he's shoveling you then prove it. Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever. Then when he feels ready, he can come back to you and if you are still interested and available, you can start something slowly. Oh yeah, you should also meet his STBXW to find out if all this is true.

 

Guess what? He won't do that. And neither will you, unfortunately. You are both addicted to each other and it's destroying you piece by piece. I wish I could give you the strength and the will to stop it, but I can't.

 

So I will leave you with, good luck and I hope it all works out for you and you are able to come back here and tell me I'm full of it. I want to be wrong. But deep down, do you truly believe it will work out based on his past behaviors?

[freengreen]

I couldnt read the whole thread... got furious in the middle of it.

 

This man has done every sort of torture possible and you want him??... Help me connect the dots if they are actually any.

 

First get the eff out of his life and then figure out why it was your best decission ever.

[jenkins95]

Wanna know how to truly find out if he's serious? Tell him if he means all this crap he's shoveling you then prove it. Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever. Then when he feels ready, he can come back to you and if you are still interested and available, you can start something slowly. Oh yeah, you should also meet his STBXW to find out if all this is true.

 

Guess what? He won't do that. And neither will you, unfortunately. You are both addicted to each other and it's destroying you piece by piece. I wish I could give you the strength and the will to stop it, but I can't.

 

So I will leave you with, good luck and I hope it all works out for you and you are able to come back here and tell me I'm full of it. I want to be wrong. But deep down, do you truly believe it will work out based on his past behaviors?

 

(((smalltownwriter)))

 

I tend to agree with deadsoul here (as I usually do!). There has been more back and forth in this story than a football match. How many more times are you going to leave the door open for him and make yourself vulnerable to being hurt?

 

I think deadsoul is spot on with this: -

 

"Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever."

 

If he can come to you a year from now, healthy and stable, divorce paper in hand...and he still wants you...and you still want him...then go for it!

 

Anything else is just inviting this awful cycle to hurt you over and over again and perpetuate.

 

Good luck smalltownwriter

[BaileyB]

(((smalltownwriter)))

 

I tend to agree with deadsoul here (as I usually do!). There has been more back and forth in this story than a football match. How many more times are you going to leave the door open for him and make yourself vulnerable to being hurt?

 

I think deadsoul is spot on with this: -

 

"Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever."

 

If he can come to you a year from now, healthy and stable, divorce paper in hand...and he still wants you...and you still want him...then go for it!

 

Anything else is just inviting this awful cycle to hurt you over and over again and perpetuate.

 

Good luck smalltownwriter

 

I totally agree. Good advice from dead soul.

[travelbug1996]

He's going back home honey. Don't get your hopes up.

 

He can't lie to you if you don't listen to him. He knows what you want to hear so he will continue to say it.

 

He knows that you are very vulnerable to words.

 

Please stop this. It is a mind f@#$.

[travelbug1996]

Wanna know how to truly find out if he's serious? Tell him if he means all this crap he's shoveling you then prove it. Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever. Then when he feels ready, he can come back to you and if you are still interested and available, you can start something slowly. Oh yeah, you should also meet his STBXW to find out if all this is true.

 

Guess what? He won't do that. And neither will you, unfortunately. You are both addicted to each other and it's destroying you piece by piece. I wish I could give you the strength and the will to stop it, but I can't.

 

So I will leave you with, good luck and I hope it all works out for you and you are able to come back here and tell me I'm full of it. I want to be wrong. But deep down, do you truly believe it will work out based on his past behaviors?

 

 

Unfortunately she isn't strong enough right now to do this. The pain is not great enough.

[amomwhoknows]

So he is leaving his kids behind for you. Great guy you are "winning" This has disaster written all over it, but I suspect you know this.

 

And when he has to get you pregnant -- cause that seems to be his thing -- and then finds someone else to impregnate, etc -- please don't act surprised.

 

Here is the thing -- you aren't better off with him. YOur kid is definitely not better off with him and frankly, his kids are worse off with you. Do you have any idea how rough his divorce will be (if he is even being honest with you, which I would bet he isn't)?

 

this guy isn't worth any of this, and likely isn't worthy of you. But you are still making really poor choices -- it is too bad for you but horrible for your son.

[whichwayisup]

Unfortunately she isn't strong enough right now to do this. The pain is not great enough.

 

I agree with this, sadly.

 

Until you (smalltown) hit your rock bottom and can't function anymore, your life is going in circles with this MM.

 

I really hope some day soon you get therapy, gain self love and respect so you can finally be free of this unhealthy pattern (affair/relationship, whatever it is you have with him) and live a happier and full life. WITHOUT him in it!

 

He is selfish and is playing you. He isn't in love with you. If he was he would have divorced his wife a long time ago and he certainly would treat you with love and respect not hurt you and screw you over. He is poison!

[CloudyHead]

I wish you could learn from my mistakes (as I wished I had listened to others on this site) but you are too swept up in him. I was in your shoes. MM told me over and over that he was leaving his wife and kids. I finally decided that I was ready to move forward in my life without him. I started to fade away and I starting to enjoy life.

 

One morning, MM called me and said he had left his wife and kids. In two hours he was at my house. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had not let him into my life. That began almost six years of me wasting away. I lost my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. MM repeatedly cheated on me.

 

At the end, MM said horrible awful things to me and to my children and left. I soon discovered found he had started a relationship with a MW and said those things to end our relationship.

 

I did learn from MM that the awful things he said to me and my children were the same words he had said to his wife and kids when he left them. He never had a relationship with his sons after the left his wife. He always blamed me for him not having a relationship with them. When I learned what he said to his kids and wife, I told him that I was not the one to blame for the lack of a relationship - he was. He agreed. He still has no relationship with his sons or grandchildren.

 

It took me a long time to find myself. I was in a fog for close to a year. I saw MM about four months ago (after not seeing him for 1.5 years) when he walked into my business (unannounced). I felt nothing towards him except relief that he was no longer in my life.

 

Until you put yourself first in your life, you will never be able to let him go. You will continue to live in turmoil.

Edited August 23, 2017 by CloudyHead
update

[jenkins95]

CloudyHead, that's tough to read.

 

Come here for a big Jenks (((hug)))

 

I'm so glad you are in so much better a place now. I'm pulling for you and am sure you will make up for lost time and have a great rest of your life.

 

smalltown, (((hug))) for you too. Are you still visiting LS. Any updates? We're here for you

[ladydesigner]

I wish you could learn from my mistakes (as I wished I had listened to others on this site) but you are too swept up in him. I was in your shoes. MM told me over and over that he was leaving his wife and kids. I finally decided that I was ready to move forward in my life without him. I started to fade away and I starting to enjoy life.

 

One morning, MM called me and said he had left his wife and kids. In two hours he was at my house. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had not let him into my life. That began almost six years of me wasting away. I lost my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. MM repeatedly cheated on me.

 

At the end, MM said horrible awful things to me and to my children and left. I soon discovered found he had started a relationship with a MW and said those things to end our relationship.

 

I did learn from MM that the awful things he said to me and my children were the same words he had said to his wife and kids when he left them. He never had a relationship with his sons after the left his wife. He always blamed me for him not having a relationship with them. When I learned what he said to his kids and wife, I told him that I was not the one to blame for the lack of a relationship - he was. He agreed. He still has no relationship with his sons or grandchildren.

 

It took me a long time to find myself. I was in a fog for close to a year. I saw MM about four months ago (after not seeing him for 1.5 years) when he walked into my business (unannounced). I felt nothing towards him except relief that he was no longer in my life.

 

Until you put yourself first in your life, you will never be able to let him go. You will continue to live in turmoil.

 

(((CloudyHead))) I remember you. I came to LS as a MOW at that time. It's interesting to see this personality trait in a lot of MM my WH included. They are quite the manipulators and blameshifters. Not sure these types of personalities ever change as they cannot accept blame and reflect on their behavior. I'm glad you were able to find your clarity and move on for the better!

[smalltownwriter]

CloudyHead, that's tough to read.

 

Come here for a big Jenks (((hug)))

 

I'm so glad you are in so much better a place now. I'm pulling for you and am sure you will make up for lost time and have a great rest of your life.

 

smalltown, (((hug))) for you too. Are you still visiting LS. Any updates? We're here for you

 

Yes, I'm here. Reluctant to post because I know people think I'm a weak idiot. Which I guess I am. He signed a year lease on an apartment, he's in it with his son right now. She knows there is a possibility I might move in. he told me he's trying to stair step to filing for divorce so all the blows don't come at once. He came to see me last week, things went well but then again it was an escape from all our troubles so I don't put too much stock into that. Said while he was here that his wife said she was done auditioning to be his wife, she was going to work on herself and if he wanted to come back then they could talk. I'm supposed to go visit him next week for Labor Day. He scheduled an appointment with a urologist to get a vasectomy because we can't go through what we went through all over again. My head is all over the place.

 

I know everyone thinks I'm stupid and he's a POS, which is why I haven't really posted much. I've invested 2 years into this, it's hard to walk away when it seems like he is taking all the steps he said he would take so that we could be together but I'm also terrified he is going to change his mind and go back to his wife. He makes it clear he hates the situation. He went back to his house to pick up more stuff and said it was emotional and hard (he was there alone). But says he can't live without me and isn't changing his mind.

 

I'm pretty lost right now as to what the next steps are, and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, but that's what's going on.

[deadsoul]

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what a bunch of nameless internet strangers think. You have to do what's best for you. His actions so far have not been great, but if you believe the way you are doing this is working for you, then who cares what any of us say, right?

 

I do think you have doubts, but if he continues to show you he means business, then that's a good thing. I hope that for your relationship to stand a chance and work out, counseling is on the table for you both since you have had a rocky start. Again, just a suggestion.

 

Don't let our comments run you off, please keep posting. You are going through a lot, but the bottom line is are you happy? Don't let him determine your happiness. Only you can do that.

[deadsoul]

I wish you could learn from my mistakes (as I wished I had listened to others on this site) but you are too swept up in him. I was in your shoes. MM told me over and over that he was leaving his wife and kids. I finally decided that I was ready to move forward in my life without him. I started to fade away and I starting to enjoy life.

 

One morning, MM called me and said he had left his wife and kids. In two hours he was at my house. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had not let him into my life. That began almost six years of me wasting away. I lost my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. MM repeatedly cheated on me.

 

At the end, MM said horrible awful things to me and to my children and left. I soon discovered found he had started a relationship with a MW and said those things to end our relationship.

 

I did learn from MM that the awful things he said to me and my children were the same words he had said to his wife and kids when he left them. He never had a relationship with his sons after the left his wife. He always blamed me for him not having a relationship with them. When I learned what he said to his kids and wife, I told him that I was not the one to blame for the lack of a relationship - he was. He agreed. He still has no relationship with his sons or grandchildren.

 

It took me a long time to find myself. I was in a fog for close to a year. I saw MM about four months ago (after not seeing him for 1.5 years) when he walked into my business (unannounced). I felt nothing towards him except relief that he was no longer in my life.

 

Until you put yourself first in your life, you will never be able to let him go. You will continue to live in turmoil.

 

This part OP. If nothing else, this part right here is the most important thing to take away from this post. You are looking at how much time you've invested, none of that matters... don't make that be the reason you keep going in this.

 

And Cloudy? Even though it was a long time, you seem to be in a better place and hopefully you've found happiness. I'm sorry for all you've gone through, but huge kudos to use your experiences to help other people and let them know you get it and you understand.

[BaileyB]

No judgment here. It's your life and your decision.

 

My only word of caution is for his son. Please, don't move in to live with this man and his son while he is separating/divorcing the child's mother and trying to find a new normal with his son. I don't know how hold the child is, but it's devastating for a child to have a revolving door of adults coming and going from their lives... Let the dust settle and give the child some time before you ask him to adjust to this. The child's needs should always come before your own needs - especially when it is so soon after the separation.